If you want to speed up the ripening of a pineapple, so that you can eat it faster, then you can do it by standing it upside down (on the leafy end).

Two guys were sitting in a bar getting really drunk. After awhile, just drinking gets boring, so the first guy looks at the second guy and says, "Hey, you want to go up for a ride in my airplane?" The second guy says, "Wow, you have an airplane? Let's go!" So they get some more beer and go for a tour around the city in the plane. Eventually they get bored with this too, so they decide to land. The drunk pilot starts circling around looking for a place to land, and he sees an airstrip close by. He says his new buddy along for the ride, "Let's land here. It looks like it's as good a place as any." So he circles around and goes in for a landing, but at the last minute he swerves and pulls back up. "Shit!" he says, "That is the SHORTEST runway I have ever seen! How is anyone supposed to land on it?" But since it's the only runway nearby, he decides to try again, with the same result. Getting pretty irritated, the pilot says to his friend, "All right, I'm going to try ONE more time, and if I can't land it we're just going to crash and hope we don't die." So they end up crashing, and miraculously neither is hurt. When they crawl out of the wreckage, the first guy is swears and gesticulates wildly at the runway. "I'm gonna find whoever designed this crazy runway and wring his neck! He must be total moron! No one could land on anything that short!" The second guy looks around and says "Yeah, but look how wide it is!"