1. You know you're over the hill when you are arranging your hair instead of combing it. 2. You know you're over the hill when your idea of a good workout is standing up. 3. You know you're over the hill when you start picking your teeth out of the popcorn.

Chuck Norris once visited a restaurant in Hiroshima back in 1945 and ordered a BigMac. when the waiter didn't know what it was, Chuck made him explode.

Where can you buy panties made of fertilizer bags and bras made out of beer cans? Fredericks of Poland.

Three elderly ladies were discussing the trials of getting older. One said, "Sometimes I catch myself with a jar of mayonnaise in my hand in front of the refrigerator and can't remember whether I need to put it away, or start making a sandwich." The second lady chimed in, "Yes, sometimes I find myself on the landing of the stairs and can't remember whether I was on my way up or on my way down." The third one responded, "Well, I'm glad I don't have that problem; knock on wood," she raps her knuckles on the table, then says, "That must be the door, I'll get it."

Waiter: "How did you find your steak, sir,"? Young Man: "Quite accidentally, I assure you. I moved that piece of lettuce and there it was."

The young man entered the Ice Cream Palace and asked, "What kinds of ice cream do you have?""Vanilla, chocolate, strawberry," the girl wheezed as she spoke, patted her chest and seemed unable to continue."Do you have laryngitis?" the young man asked sympathetically."Nope," she whispered, "just vanilla, chocolate and strawberry."

It is illegal for bar owners to sell beer unless they are simultaneously brewing a kettle of soup.

Your Starship Captain just might be a redneck if... Your shuttlecraft has been up on blocks for over a month. He paints flames and a NRA sticker on the warp nacelles. You have a shuttle called "Billy Joe Bob." He refers to Klingons as "Critters." He refers to Photon Torpedoes as "Popguns." He has the sensor array repaired with a bent coathanger and aluminum foil. He installs a set of bullhorns on the front of the saucer section. He says, "Got your ears on, good buddy" instead of "open hailing frequencies." He hangs fuzzy dice over the viewscreen. He rewires his communicator into his belt buckle. He keeps a six-pack under his command chair and a gun rack above it. He says, "Yee-Ha!" instead of "Engage." He has a hand-tooled holster for his phaser. He insists on calling his executive officer "Bubba." He sets the fore viewscreen to reruns of "Bassmaster." He programs the food replicator for beer, ribs, and turnip greens. He paints the starship John Deere green. He refers to a Pulsar as a "Blue Light Special." He refers to the Mutara Nebula as a "swamp." His moonshine is stronger than Romulan Ale. He sings "Lucille" instead of "Kathleen." His idea of dress uniform is CLEAN bib overalls. He wears mirrored shades on the Bridge. He sets phaser to "Cajun."

This 85-year-old couple, having been married almost 60 years, died in a car crash. They had been in good health the last 10 years, mainly due to her interest in health food and exercise.When they reached the pearly gates, St. Peter took them to their mansion, which was decked out with a beautiful kitchen, master bath suite and Jacuzzi.As they oohed and aahed, the old man asked Peter how much all this was going to cost. "It`s free," Peter replied. "This is Heaven."Next they went out back to survey the championship golf course in the backyard. They would have golfing privileges every day, and each week the course would change to a new one, representing the great golf courses on Earth.The old man asked, "What are the greens fees?"Peter`s reply, "This is Heaven -- you play for free."Next they went to the clubhouse and saw the lavish buffet lunch with the cuisines of the world laid out."How much to eat?" asked the old man."Don`t you understand yet? This is Heaven, it`s FREE!" Peter replied with some exasperation."Well, where are the low-fat and low-cholesterol tables?" the old man asked timidly.Peter lectured, "That`s the best part -- you can eat as much as you like of whatever you like and you never get fat and you never get sick. This is Heaven."With that the old man went into a fit of anger, throwing down his hat and stomping on it, and shrieking wildly.Peter and his wife both tried to calm him down, asking him what was wrong. The old man looked at his wife and said, "This is all your fault. If it weren`t for your blasted bran muffins, I could have been here 10 years ago!"

Before the inauguration, George W. was invited to a 'get acquainted' tour of the White House. After drinking several glasses of iced tea, he asked President Clinton if he could use his personal bathroom. He was astonished to see that the President had a solid gold urinal! That afternoon, George W. told his wife, Laura, about the urinal. "Just think," he said, "when I am President, I'll have my own personal gold urinal!" Later, when Laura had lunch with Hillary at her tour of the White House, she told Hillary how impressed George had been with his discovery of the fact that, in the President's private bathroom, the President had a gold urinal. That evening, Bill and Hillary were getting ready for bed. Hillary turned to Bill and said, "Well, I found out who peed in your saxophone."

The customer in the Italian restaurant was so pleased with his meal that he asked to speak to the chef. The owner proudly led him into the kitchen and introduced him to the chef. "Your veal parmigiana was superb," the customer said. "I just spent a month in Italy, and yours is better than any I ever had over there." "Naturally," the chef said. "Over there, they use domestic cheese. Ours is imported!"

The following is a "history" collected by teachers throughout the United States, from eighth grade through college level. Read carefully, and you will learn a lot. =-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- The inhabitants of ancient Egypt were called mummies. They lived in the Sarah Dessert and traveled by Camelot. The climate of the Sarah is such that the inhabitants have to live elsewhere, so certain areas of the dessert are cultivated by irritation. The Egyptians built the Pyramids in the shape of a huge triangular cube. The Pyramids are a range of mountains between France and Spain. The Bible is full of interesting caricatures. In the first book of the Bible, Guinesses, Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree. On of their children, Cain, once asked, "Am I my brother's son?" God asked Abraham to sacrifice Isaac on Mount Montezuma. Jacob, son of Isaac, stole his brother's birth mark. Jacob was a patriarch who brought up his twelve sons to be patriarchs, but they did not take it. One of Jacob's sons, Joseph, gave refuse to the Israelites. Pharaoh forced the Hebrew slaves to make bread without straw. Moses led them to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread, which is bread made without any ingredients. Afterwards, Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten commandments. David was a Hebrew king skilled at playing the liar. He fought with the Philatelists, a race of people who lived in the Biblical times. Soloman, one of David's sons, had 500 wives and 500 porcupines. Without the Greeks we wouldn't have history. The Greeks invented three kinds of columns - Corinthian, Doric, and Ironic. They also had myths. A myth is a female moth. One myth says that the mother of Achilles dipped him in the River Stynx until he became intollerable. Achilles appears in The Iliad, by Homer. Homer also wrote The Oddity, in which Penelope was the last hardship that Ulysses endured on his journey. Actually, Homer was not written by Homer but by another man of that name. Socrates was a famous Greek teacher who went around giving people advice. They killed him. Socrates died from an overdose of wedlock. In the Olympic games, Greeks ran races, jumped, hurled the biscuits, the threw the java. The reward to the victor was a coral wreath. The government of Athens was democratic because people took the law into their own hands. There were no wars in Greece, as the mountains were so high that they couldn't climb over to see what their neighbors were doing. When they fought with the Persians, the Greeks were outnumbered because the Persians had more men. Eventually, the Ramons conquered the Greeks. History calls people Romans because they never stayed in one place for very long. At Roman banquets, the guests wore garlic in their hair. Julius Caesar extinguished himself on the battlefields of Gaul. The Ides of March murdered him because they thought he was going to be made king. Nero was a cruel tyranny who would turture his poor subjects by playing the fiddle to them. Then came the Middle Ages. King Alfred conquered the Dames. King Arthur lived in the Age of Shivery, King Harold mustarded his troops before the Battle of Hastings, Joan of Arc was canonized by Bernard Shaw, and victims of the Black Death grew boobs on their necks. Finally, Magna Carta provided that no free man should be hanged twice for the same offense. In medevil time most of the people were alliterate. The greatest writer of the time was Chaucer, who wrote many poems and versus and also wrote literature. Another tale tells of William Tell, who shot an arrow through an apple while standing on his son's head. The Renaissance was an age in which more individuals felt the value of their human being. Martin Luther was nailed to the church door at Wittenberg for selling papal indulgences. He died a horrible death, being excommunicated by a bull. It was the painter Donatello's interes in the female nude that made him the father of the Renaissance. It was an age of great inventions and discoveries. Gutenberg invented the Bible. Sir Walter Raleigh is a historical figure because he invented cigarettes. Another important invention was the circulation of blood. Sir Francis Drake circumcised the world with a 100 foot clipper. The government of England was a limited mockery. Henry VIII found walking difficult because he had an abbess on his knee. Queen Elizabeth was the "Virgin Queen." As a queen she was a success. When Elizabeth exposed herself before her troops, they all shouted, "hurrah." Then her navy went out and defeated the Spanish Armadillo. The greatest write of the Renaissance was William Shakespear. Shakespear never made much money and is only famous because of his plays. He lived at Windsor with his merry wives, writing tragedies, comedies and errors. In one of Shakespear's famous plays, Hamlet rations out his situation by relieving himself in a long soliloquy. In another, Lady Macbeth tried to convince Macbeth to kill the Kind by attack his manhood. Romeo and Juliet are an example of a heroic couplet. Writing at the same time as Shakespear was Miguel Cervantes. He wrote Donkey Hote. The next great author was John Milton. Milton wrote Paradise Lost. Then his wife died and he wrote Paradise Regained. During the Renaissance America began. Christopher Columbus was a great navigator who discovered America while cursing about the Atlantic. His ships were called the Nina, the Pinta, and the Santa Fe. Later, the Pilgrims crossed the Ocean, and this was known as Pilgrims Progress. When they landed at Plymouth Rock, they were greeted by the Indians, who came down the hill rolling their war hoops before them. The Indian squabs carried porpoises on their back. Many of the Indian heroes were killed, along with their cabooses, which proved very fatal for them. The winter of 1620 was a hard one for the settlers. Many people died and many babies were born. Captain John Smith was responsible for all this.

A husband comes home with a half-gallon of ice cream and asks his wife if she wants some. "How hard is it?" she asks. "About as hard as my dick." he replies. "Ok, then pour me some!"

A Guide to Love and Sex for Virgins As a young, modern virgin of the nineties, you no doubt have many questions concerning romance, love, even s..e..x. In this sensitive and frank "question and answer" format, noted sex therapist Dr Ruth explains everything you've ever wondered about. Q: Where can I find the man of my dreams? A: This is a difficult question, since every virgin probably has a different ideal of what their own personal Prince Charming should act and look like. However, when it comes to finding Mr Right, I can give you a good suggestion on where to start - and that's in a bar. That's right, go to a bar... preferably the kind that smells of stale beer and lots of men crowded around watching a sports event on television. Pick a man that looks interesting - it's best to stay away from the shallow "pretty boys" in designer clothes with bulging muscles. Instead, I recommend you pick somebody a little older and wiser, possibly reassuring pot belly. Boldly approach him, offer to buy him a few beers, then invite him back to your place. He'll advise you from there. Q: How do I know if I found Mr Right? A: Unfortunately, there's no sure way to tell. Therefore, I suggest you try out many different kinds of men and many different kinds of bars. Q: Do men like aggresive virgins? A: Definitely. Although they don't admit it, men are often shy - so it's up to you to be bold. In addition to bars, don't be afraid to approach men on streetcorners, in restaurants, even in restrooms. Break the ice with simple "hello", followed by an offer to buy them dinner, drinks - even an expensive gift. Then invite them to back to your place. Q: What if a man's married? A: Go for it. This is a great opportunity to enjoy the valuable experience a married man possesses, without being tied down by any sort of commitment. Q: But what if I fall in love with a married man? A: This is a tough one, especially if you're a woman and find yourself pregnant. Ask him how he feels about his wife and family. If he says his wife doesn't understand him and he's thinking of leaving her, believe him and continue your relationship, secure in the knowledge that he'll soon make good his promise. Married men rarely lie about such important matters. Q: How do I know if I'm ready for sex? A: Ask your boyfriend. He'll know when the time is right. When it comes to love and sex, experienced men are much more responsible, since they're not confused emotionally as virgins. It's a proven fact. Q: Should I have sex on the first date? A: YES. Before if possible. Q: What exactly happens during the act of sex? A: Again, this is entirely up to the man. The important thing to remember is that you must do whatever he tells you without question. Sometimes, however, he may ask you to do certain things that may at first seem strange to you. Do them anyway. Q: How long should the sex act last? A: This is a natural and normal part of nature, so don't feel ashamed or embarrassed. After your man has finished making love, he'll have a natural desire to leave you suddenly, and go out with his friends to play golf. Or perhaps another activity, such as going out with his friends to the bar for the purpose of consuming large amounts of alcohol and sharing a few personal thoughts with his buddies. Don't feel left out - while he's gone you can busy yourself by doing his laundry, cleaning his apartment, or perhaps even going out to buy him an expensive gift. He'll come back when he's ready. Q: What is "afterplay"? A: After a man has finished making love, he needs to replenish his manly energy. "Afterplay" is simply a list of important activities for you to do after the lovemaking. This includes lighting his cigarette, making him a sandwich or pizza, bringing him a few beers, or leaving him alone to sleep while you go out and buy him an expensive gift. Q: Does the size of the penis matter? A: Yes. Although many virgins believe that quality, not quantity, is important, studies show this is simply not true. The average erect male penis measures about six centimeters. Anything longer than that is extremely rare and, if by some chance your lover's sexual organ is seven centimeters or over, you should go down on your knees and thank you lucky stars and do everything possible to please him, such as doing his laundry, cleaning his apartment and buying him an expensive gift. Q: What about the orgasm? A: What about it? There's no such thing. It's a myth. Q: Are you sure? A: Will you stop asking so many questions? Do you distrust experienced men or something? Instead, prove how much you care for your boyfriend by going out and buying him an expensive gift.

Ha! They couldn't hit an elephant at this dist... Don't unplug it, it will just take a moment to fix. Let's take the shortcut, he can't see us from there. What happens if you touch these two wires tog-- We won't need reservations. It's always sunny there this time of the year. Don't worry, it's not loaded. They'd never make him a manager. You can make it easy... that train isn't coming fast. Gimmee a match. I think my gas tank is empty. Wife, these biscuits are tough. Let's see if it's loaded. Step on her, boy, we're only going 75. Just watch me dive from that bridge. If you knew anything, you wouldn't be a traffic cop. Lemme have that bottle; I'll try it. What? Your mother is going to stay another month? Say, who's boss of this joint, anyhow? "C'mon ya wimps, one more beer, it's open ocean out there, what're we gonna hit?" --Captain Hazelwood, Exxon Valdez "Luke, I lied. Bill Shatner is your real father." --Darth Vader "A-four and a-three and a-two and a-one..." --Lawrence Welk "Don't worry about the Rover. That's no cliff." --NASA techie "And now that I'm running my life support equipment through Windows 95, I'll never have to worry about -- beeeeeeeep..." "I eat guys like you for breakfast!" --Jeffrey Dahmer "Here I sit all broken-hearted..." --Elvis Presley "How's he gonna read that magazine rolled up like that?" --insect "No, dude, this stuff is completely natural and safe, man. That's why it's called 'herbal.'" "How many frickin' times do I have to say, 'In the form of a question', people?!?" --Alex Trebek "Yoko, why don't *you* try to sing one?" "Took your parking space? Well at least *I* didn't murder my wife and an innocent waiter!"

Have you got any broken biscuits? Yes, I have. Well, you shouldn't be so clumsy!

Q: What do you call a room full of blondes with PMS and yeast infections? A: A wine and cheese party!

Yo momma is so stupid that she thought Mick Jagger was a breakfast sandwich!

A fleeing Taliban, desperate for water, was trudging through the Afghanistan desert when he saw something far off in the distance. Hoping to find water, he hurried towards it, only to find a little old Jewish man at a small stand selling ties. The Taliban asked,?Do you have water? The Jewish man replied,?I have no water. Would you like to buy a tie? They are only $5.? The Taliban shouted,?Infidel! I do not need an over-priced tie! I need water! I should kill you, but I must find water first!? ?OK, OK? said the old Jewish man,?It does not matter that you do not want to buy a tie and that you hate me. I will show you that I am bigger than that. If you continue over that hill to the east for about two miles, you will find a lovely restaurant. It has all the ice cold water you need. Shalom.? Muttering, the Taliban staggered away over the hill. Several hours later he staggered back, almost dead??Your f***ing brother won?t let me in without a tie!?

Q: What does a skeleton order at a restaurant? A: Spare ribs!