A lady goes to the doctor and complains that her husband is losing interest in sex. The doctor gives her a pill, but warns her that it's still experimental. He tells her to slip it into his mashed potatoes at dinner, so that night, she does just that. About a week later, she’s back at the doctor, where she says, "Doc, the pill worked great! I put it in the potatoes like you said! It wasn't five minutes later that he jumped up, raked all the food and dishes onto the floor, grabbed me, ripped all my clothes off, and ravaged me right there on the table!" The doctor says, "I’m sorry, we didn’t realize the pill was that strong! The foundation will be glad to pay for any damages." "Nah," she says, "that's okay. We're never going back to that restaurant anyway."

Here's a handy guide to getting out those pesky fabric stains: Blood - Spill more blood around area of stain so it won't stand out as much. Ink - Fall to knees and plead, "Why, God, why? Why dost thou test me so?" Grass - Write the name of your liquid detergent on stain. Wash. Hold up to camera, and show off the unbelievable results. Mud - Place large iron-on NASCAR patch over stain. Apply heat for 60 seconds. Tomato Sauce - Take out the mook responsible for your tomato-sauce stain by executing him gangland-style in the back of the head. Capeche? Coffee - Rub cream and sugar into stain. Apply oral suction. Enjoy rich, robust coffee-stain flavor. Wine - Apply mixture of 1/2 rum and 1/2 Coke to self until you no longer care about some little freaking stain. Chewing Gum - Using permanent marker, draw dotted line around stain. Cut carefully on dotted line. Nail Polish - Nail-polish stains are actually quite lovely. Why not leave them in for a pleasing "homecrafted" look? Copyright 1998 Onion, Inc., All rights reserved.

Dear Tech Support: Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed that the new program began making unexpected changes to the accounting modules, limiting access to flower and jewelry applications that had operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0. In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.9 but installed undesirable programs such as NFL 5.0 and NBA 3.0. Conversation 8.0 no longer runs and HouseCleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system. I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail. --Desperate *************************************** Dear Desperate, Keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an entertainment package, while Husband 1.0 is an operating system. Try to enter the command: "C:/ I THOUGHT YOU LOVED ME" and install Tears 6.2. Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications: Guilty 3.0 and Flowers 7.0. But remember, overuse can cause Husband 1.0 to default to GrumpySilence 2.5, HappyHour 7.0 or Beer 6.1. Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will create "Snoring Loudly" wave files. DO NOT install MotherInLaw 1.0 or reinstall another Boyfriend program. These are not supported applications and will crash Husband 1.0. In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. Consider buying additional software to improve performance. I personally recommend HotFood 3.0 and Lingerie 5.3. --Tech Support.

No one may carry an ice cream cone in their back pocket if it is Sunday.

A tourist walked into a fish and chip shop in Ireland. "I'll have fish and chips twice," he orders. "Sure, I heard you the first time," came the reply.

December 1 Blanch carcass from Thanksgiving turkey. Apply gold leaf, turn upside down and use as a sleigh to hold Christmas Cards. December 2 Have Mormon Tabernacle Choir record outgoing Christmas message for answering machine. December 3 Using candlewick and handgilded miniature pine cones, fashion cat-o-nine-tails. Flog Gardener. December 4 Repaint Sistine Chapel ceiling in ecru, with mocha trim. December 5 Grind lenses for new eyeglasses. December 6 Fax family Christmas newsletter to Pulitzer committee for consideration. December 7 Debug Windows '98 December 10 Align carpets to adjust for curvature of Earth. December 11 Lay Faberge egg. December 12 Take Dog apart. Disinfect. Reassemble. December 13 Collect dentures. They make excellent pastry cutters, particularly for decorative pie crusts. December 14 Install plumbing in gingerbread house. December 15 Replace air in mini-van tires with Glade "holiday scents" in case tires are shot out at mall. December 17 Blow glass Christmas tree ornaments. Cut tree in Montana. December 19 Adjust legs of chairs so each Christmas dinner guest will be same height when sitting at his or her assigned seat. December 20 Dip sheep and cows in egg whites and roll in confectioner's sugar to add a festive sparkle to the pasture. December 21 Drain city reservoir; refill with mulled cider, orange slices and cinnamon sticks. December 22 Float votive candles in toilet tank. December 23 Seed clouds for white Christmas. December 24 Do my annual good deed. Go to several stores. Be seen engaged in last minute Christmas shopping, thus making many people feel less inadequate than they really are. December 25 Bear son. Swaddle. Scent manger with homemade potpourri. December 26 Organize spice racks by genus and phylum. December 27 Build snowman in exact likeness of God. December 28 Say it is good. Rest for five minutes. December 29 Dig up sand from quarry and make new chips for my four computers. December 30 Float wicks in 4000 dishes of oil, place on lawn, and spell out Happy New Year as a greeting to my friends on the MIR space station. December 31 New Year's Eve! Give staff their resolutions. Call one friend in each time zone of the world as the calendar changes. January 1 Stay out of jail.

Jack goes to the doctor and says "Doc I'm having trouble getting my penis erect, can you help me?" After a complete examination the doctor tells Jack, "Well the problem is that the muscles around the base of your penis are damaged. There's really nothing I can do for you unless you're willing to try an experimental treatment." Jack asks sadly, "And that would be?" "Well," the Doctor explains, "What we would do is take the muscles from the trunk of a baby elephant and implant them in your penis." Jack thinks about it silently then says, "Well the thought of going through life without ever having sex again is too much, let's go for it." Jack went under the knife, and, after a period of recovery and healing, returned to the Doc for his blessing. Following the examination, the Doc pronounced Jack "healed and ready for action". Eager to use his experimentally enhanced equipment, Jack planned a romantic evening for his girlfriend and took her to one of the nicest restaurants in town, anticipating a happy conclusion to the evening. In the middle of dinner he felt a stirring between his legs that continued to the point of being painful. To release the pressure, Jack placed his napkin on his lap and unzipped his fly. His penis immediately sprung from his pants, flipped the napkin on the floor, went to the top of the table, grabbed a bread roll and then returned to his pants! His girlfriend was stunned at first but then, imagining the possibilities, said with a sly smile and a gleam in her eye, "That was incredible! Can you do it again?" Jack groaned, "Probably, but I don't think I can fit another roll in my ass."

Special offers Sam is hungry and stops off for a bite to eat at Minkys Kosher Salt Beef Bar. When the waiter asks him whether he’d like a drink to start, he orders a Maccabi beer. "A good choice sir, we have a special offer on this beer tonight – it’s only going to cost you 1p." "1p?" exclaims Sam, "that’s really cheap." Then Sam quickly looks through the menu and says, "I’d like a big plate of your best Salt Beef with latkes, haimisher cucumbers and English mustard." "Certainly," replies the barman, "but that’s going to cost you real money." "So how much is real money?" asks Sam. "5p," replies the waiter. "5p?" says Sam, "that’s ridiculous. You’ll loose money on this. I’d like to talk to the owner. Where is he?" "He’s upstairs with my wife," replies the waiter. "What`s he doing upstairs with your wife?" asks Sam. "The same thing as I`m doing to his business," replies the waiter.

Top Ten Things I Have Learned Interning At the LATE SHOW10. "Television is a magical dreamland of paying delivery guys and replacing toner cartridges"9. "Late Show T-shirts are made in a sweatshop under the Ed Sullivan Theater"8. " hours of work go into writing Dave`s so-called `fan mail`"7. " differences allow you to distinguish Dave`s twin poodles, Chablis and Chardonnay"6. "Any idiot can become famous if they own a suit and can read a cue card"5. "New York is a wonderful place to meet hookers"4. " I`m asked, `Have you ever wasted four months of your life?` I`ll be ready with an answer"3. "`t go to Dave`s barber"2. " make Dave`s coffee, add two scoops of French roast for every cup of Dewar`s"1. "My parents lie and say I intern for Leno"

What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup? Anyone can roast beef.

I put instant coffee in a microwave and almost went back in time.

What did the mayonnaise say to the refrigerator? "Close the door Can't you see I'm dressing?"

A girl has brought her fiance home for dinner. After dinner, the fiance and the girl's father go into the study for a man to man talk. "So, what are you doing right now?" asks the father. "I am a theology scholar," replies the fiance. "Do you have any plans of employment?" "I will study and God will provide." "What about the children?" asks the man. "God will provide." "And your house and car?" "Again, God will provide," says the fiance. After the talk, the girl's mother asks the father, "So what did you two talk about?" The man replies, "He has no plans of employment, but on the other hand, he thinks I'm God."

Have you ever noticed that the waiter who takes your order is not the one who brings your food anymore? What is THAT about? And which waiter are you tipping, anyway? I think next time I go to a restaurant I`ll just say, "Oh, sorry, I only eat the food. The guy who pays the bill will be along shortly."

A waiter approached the man studying the menu carefully at the fancy restaurant. "May I take your order, sir?" he asked."Well, I was wondering how you prepare your chickens." The man replied."Oh, it`s nothing too special, sir," the waiter confided. "We just tell them straight out that they`re going to die."

The World's Best Champions & Chocolate don't even remotely compare to Chuck Norris!

POEM: The night before Chanukah [My thanks to BMS for the following] `Twas the night before Chanukah and all over the place There was noise, there was kvetching Soch ah disgrace! The kinderlach, sleeping, uneasily felt The chocolate rush from the Chanukah gelt. And me in the easyboy, so stuffed with latkes, I stretched the elastic which held up my gatkes. When up on the roof A fat alter kocker was making a kvitch. I jumped up real quick and I ran to the door, Was it a bandeet, or only a shnorrer? He wasn`t alone; he had eight ferdelach, And called them by name as he gave a gebrach: "On Moishe, on Yankel, on Itzik, on Sam, On Mendel, on Shmendrick, on Feivush, on Ham, My kidneys are kvelling, do you give a damn?" He had a white beard and payess to boot, And to keep out the cold, he had such a nice suit! A second from Peerless, I could tell at a glance, But the cut was okay, and so were the pants. He was triple XL, a real groisser goof, So I yelled out, "Meshuggeneh! Get off from mein roof!" He jumped down and said as he shook hands with me, "Max Klaus is the name. You have maybe some tea?" So I gave him a gleisel, while he shook his white mop, Mutt`ring, "Always the same thing, They`re dreying my kop!" From Vancouver to Glacer Bay, Outremont to Reginek, Every shmo in the world hakks meir a cheinik! They`re screaming for presents, and challah with shmaltz, And from Brooklyn alone, the back pain, gevaltz!" So we sat and yenta’d, and we spun the old dreydels, (He took all of my money, and one of my kanidels) He said, "Business is not bad, a living I make, But I`m getting too old for this Chanukah fake; And the cell phones, you see how my pacemaker dings? For two cents I`d quit, and move to Palm Springs?" And he gave a geshrei as he fled mit a lacht, "Gut Yontif to all, Veh is Mir, such a nacht!"

All we ever seem to hear is Jewish jokes so here are two gentile jokes Patrick goes into the John Lewis Menswear department and says, "This is a very fine jacket. How much is it?" The salesman says, "It`s £500." Patrick says, "OK, I`ll take it." Sean calls his mother. "Mother, I know you `re expecting me for dinner tonight, but something important has come up and I can`t make it." His mother says, "OK."

A couple was arranging for their wedding, and asked the bakery to inscribe the wedding cake with "1 John 4:18" which reads "There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear." The bakery evidently lost, smudged or otherwise misread the noted reference, and beautifully inscribed on the cake "John 4:18" ... "for you have had five husbands, and the man you have now is not your husband."

Jim invited his mother for dinner, during the course of the meal; his mother couldn't help but notice how lovely Jim's room mate, Angie, was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between the two, and this only made her more curious. Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between Jim and his room mate than met the eye. Reading his mum's thoughts, Jim volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Angie & I are just room mates". About a week later, Angie came to Jim saying, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I have been unable to find the frying pan, you don't suppose she took it do you?" "Well I doubt it, but I'll e-mail her just to be sure" said Jim. So he sat down and wrote an email. DEAR MOTHER, I AM NOT SAYING THAT YOU "DID" TAKE THE FRYING PAN FROM MY HOUSE. I'M NOT SAYING THAT YOU "DID NOT" TAKE THE FRYING PAN BUT THE FACT REMAINS THAT IT HAS BEEN MISSING EVER SINCE YOU WERE HERE FOR DINNER. LOVE JIM Several days later, Jim received an email from his mother which read: DEAR SON, I AM NOT SAYING THAT YOU "DO" SLEEP WITH ANGIE, AND I AM NOT SAYING THAT YOU "DO NOT" SLEEP WITH ANGIE, BUT THE FACT REMAINS THAT IF SHE WAS SLEEPING IN HER OWN BED, SHE WOULD HAVE FOUND THE FRYING PAN BY NOW. LOVE MOM.