Q: What does a skeleton order at a restaurant? A: Spare ribs!

LIFE`S OBSERVATIONS:1. Marriage changes passion; suddenly you`re in bed with a relative.2. Sign in a Chinese Pet Store: "Buy one dog, get one flea."3. I have my own little world. But it`s OK, they know me here.4. Money can`t buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.5. If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?6. I don`t approve of political jokes. I`ve seen too many of them get elected.7. The most precious thing we have is life. Yet it has absolutely no trade-in value.8. I love being married. It`s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.9. Shopping tip: You can get shoes for a couple of bucks at the bowling alley.10. I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore I am perfect.11. How come we choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?12. Isn`t having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing section in a swimming pool?

A Man's World! How many men does it take to open a beer? None. It should be opened by the time she brings it. -------------------------------------- Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman? Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you. ------------------------------------- Why do women have smaller feet than men? It's one of those "evolutionary things" that allows them to stand closer to the kitchen sink. ------------------------------------ How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart? When she starts her sentence with "A man once told me..." --------------------------------- How do you fix a woman's watch? You don't. There is a clock on the oven. --------------------------------- Why do men break wind more than women? Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required pressure. --------------------------------- If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first? The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in. ----------------------------------- What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig? A woman that won't do what she's told. ------------------------------------ I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always. ------------------------------------ I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months: I don't like to interrupt her. ----------------------------------- Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%. It's called a Wedding Cake. ----------------------------------- Marriage is a 3-ring circus: Engagement Ring, Wedding Ring, Suffering. ------------------------------------ Our last fight was my fault: My wife asked me "What's on the TV?" I said, "Dust!" ----------------------------------- In the beginning, God created the earth and rested. Then God created Man and rested. Then God created Woman. Since then, neither God nor Man has rested. ---------------------------------------- Why do men die before their wives? They want to. ---------------------------------------- A beggar walked up to a well-dressed woman shopping on Rodeo Drive and said, "I haven't eaten anything for days." She looked at him and said, "God, I wish I had your willpower." --------------------------------------- Young Son: "Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?" Dad: That happens in every country, son. -------------------------------------- A man inserted an advertisement in the classified: "Wife Wanted." The next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."

Which dog is always without a tail? A hot dog.

Beer Bottle: You break me, you get 1 year of bad luck! Mirror: You kiddin' me? You break me, then y'all get 7 years bad luck! Condom: Hahaha...

The dinner party Freda and Moshe Levy won 8 million pounds in the National Lottery. They immediately went out to begin a life of living in luxury. They bought a luxurious mansion in Northwood, surrounded themselves with all the material wealth imaginable and decided to hire a butler. After much searching, they found the perfect one. One day, they instructed the butler to set up a dinner for four because they were inviting their friends, the Cohens, over for dinner and they will be going out for the day. When they returned that evening, they found the table set for six. When they asked the butler why six places were set when they specifically instructed him to set the table for four, the butler replied: "The Cohens called and said that they were bringing the Bagels."

Chuck Norris has Pop Rocks and Coke for breakfast.

A boy is about to go on his first date, and is nervous about what to talk about. He asks his father for advice. The father replies: "My son, there are three subjects that always work. These are food, family, and philosophy."The boy picks up his date and they go to a soda fountain. Ice cream sodas in front of them, they stare at each other for a long time, as the boy`s nervousness builds. He remembers his father`s advice, and chooses the first topic. He asks the girl: "Do you like potato pancakes?" She says "No," and the silence returns.After a few more uncomfortable minutes, the boy thinks of his father`s suggestion and turns to the second item on the list. He asks, "Do you have a brother?" Again, the girl says "No" and there is silence once again.The boy then plays his last card. He thinks of his father`s advice and asks the girl the following question: "If you had a brother, would he like potato pancakes?"

Great A Hot & Juicy Story Well, I was loafin' around the salad bar at the burger stand one chili day on Coney Island, when I Frito-Lay'd my eyes on the sweetest little tomato I'd ever seen. Let's just say I could tell she wasn't gonna be ice-cold or taste like some of those cheaper spreads I'd eaten. So I mustard up my courage and I whispered, "Hey, Mama Bird! You got a sweet set of sesame-seed buns, and I'd live to bury my open-face in your McMuffin snack pack. And maybe later I could drive-in my Jumbo Jack in your Box. So, what's your name, anyway?" "Wendy," she replied, and said that her buns were always hot and fresh. Well, it seemed like an invitation to me, so I unzipped my French-fly, pulled down my hash-browns and whipped out my Quarter-Pounder. She took one look at my foot-long Weinerschnitzel and said, "Holy enchirito, what a Whopper! I haven't seen a sausage and a pair of McNuggets like that since I was in the sack with Long John Silver over at the Colonel's place, and I probably won't see another 'til Foster freezes over. And believe me, I relish the thought of squeezin' the mayonnaise right outta that big Sloppy Joe of yours." I said, "Look, honey...those meatheads are just horseradish. I'm the supreme Burger King around here. And by the way, aren't you hungry?" "Yeah," she shot back, "I haven't even had my breakfast, Jack." It wasn't long before she was munching on my Big Mac and eventually took down the whole enchilada. I could tell I wouldn't be able to hold the pickles or hold the lettuce much longer, so I just blew a whole gallon of my lo-cal secret sauce to go. She took a big gulp and giggled, "Oooh, that's fast food. A bit salty, but quality you can taste...and finger lickin' good, too!" She said, "So what's yer name, hot dog? Orange you Julius?" "No," I replied, but you can call me Pizza Man, 'cause I deliver!" Well anyway, I turned her around, tore off her wrapper, and wedged my Big Boy between her patties and right up into her hot cherry bendover. She screamed, "I FOUND THE BEEF, I FOUND THE BEEF!" which just gave me the urge to keep pounding my SuperBurrito in and out...in and out...and in and out...and in and out of her hot little micro. Well, we were still playing Pup 'n' Taco , when she confessed her real name wasn't Wendy...but Ronald. Hey, it wasn't my bag, but at least I wouldn't have to worry about taking her over to see Dr. Pepper to have him pull a Carl's Jr. out of her oven. Yeah, little did I know that I had spend the night not with a saucy little fish filet, but with a flaming Dairy Queen!

Thanks for nothing One morning, Shlomo and Sadie decided to go out for breakfast. The waitress at The Almond Tree told them that the special that morning was two eggs, tomatoes, mushrooms, hash browns and toast for £3.99. "That sounds good," said Sadie, "but I don`t want the eggs." "OK," said the waitress, but I will then have to charge you £4.50." "Why," asked Shlomo, "it doesn’t make sense. "Because you will then in effect be ordering a la carte," the waitress replied. "Do you mean I`ll have to pay for not taking the eggs?" Sadie asked. "Yes, " replied the waitress. "OK then, I`ll take the special," says Sadie. "How do you want your eggs done?" asked the waitress. "Raw and in the shell," Sadie replied. At the end of the meal, Sadie took the two eggs home.

What musical instrument goes with cheese? Picklelo.

Immodest Proposal #1: Daylight Savings Time Reform Richard S. Holmes, RICH@suhep.phy.syr.edu It happens every spring: crocuses, baseball , and the switch to Daylight Savings Time . Coming off DST is not hard. In the Fall, we set our clocks back one hour. We all get an extra hour to sleep, and those who forget find themselves at church, or the airport, or wherever an hour early. Embarassing, but not catastrophic. But in the Spring we set the clocks forward, and the trouble begins. We lose an hour of sleep. Forgetful people miss Mass, planes, breakfast, and the big game on TV. Some are thrown into disarray for up to a full week. Annual losses due to DST confusion have been estimated at over a million dollars. I myself have missed a flight to Washington and a showing of The Seven Samurai because of DST. There is no need for such tragic waste. We can -- we should and must -- urge our lawmakers to reform Daylight Savings Time as follows: Setting clocks back is easy; setting them forward is difficult. Therefore, let us keep the fall ritual as it is. However, one Sunday each Spring, let us set our clocks not one hour forward, but TWENTY-THREE HOURS BACKWARD. Think of all the advantages. We will not lose an hour of sleep; we will gain a day of rest. It will be Saturday all over again. You will never again miss Confession, or an airplane, or the Redskins game. Naturally, if this were the whole plan, our calendars would fall behind one day in each year. However, the second part of the Revised DST Plan deals with this. Every four years, instead of adding a day, let us SUBTRACT THREE DAYS. Furthermore, let these be Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday, which according to recent polls are the least popular days. If done in February, which seems reasonable considering what a miserable month it is, this would have the beneficial side effect of shortening the excruciating presidential primary season by an effective four days. The advantages of this plan are clear. Let us waste no time. With a determine d effort we can have Reformed Daylight Savings Time by Spring of next year. Write your congressperson today!

What’s the time, than? Yitzhak had just moved into a new flat in Hendon and was out celebrating with his friend Benny. At 2am, he invited Benny back to his flat where they continued to celebrate. Then Benny said, "Before I go, why not show me around?" So Yitzhak proudly showed Benny his flat and all the high tech it contained. Then he took Benny into his bedroom where his friend couldn’t help but notice a very large brass gong and hammer on the chest of drawers. "Is that a dinner gong?" asked Benny. "It`s not really a gong, Benny, it’s more like a talking clock," Yitzhak replied. "A talking clock? Are you serious?" said Benny. "Of course," replied Yitzhak. "So how does it work?" said Benny. "Watch this," replied Yitzhak, as he picked up the hammer and gave the gong an ear shattering pounding. They stood looking at each other for a moment when suddenly, someone in the flat next door screamed, "Stop that, you inconsiderate oaf. It`s quarter to three in the morning."

The City Health Inspector walks into a new restaurant unannounced and takes a seat to where he can see the kitchen. While he is sitting there, an order goes back for a pizza. The chef appears and the Health Inspector nearly chokes when he see that he is not wearing a shirt. The chef then proceeded to grab a lump of pizza dough and press it out flat on his bare chest. Appalled, the Health Inspector had barely finished writing up this infraction when an order came back for a hamburger. The cook proceeded to grab a handful of ground meat and pressed it into a perfect patty in his armpit. Shocked and bewildered, the Health Inspector called for the manager and explained the gravity of the deplorable conditions he had seen. "That's nothing," said the manager, "you should come back at five in the morning when he makes the donuts!"

Bring a Yoo-Hoo chocolate milk drink to the shower with you. Complain about a stomach ache, then moan "Ohhhh, um, uh-oh," and squirt the Yoo-Hoo down the drain "ditch" for all to see.

Why won't anyone eat the dogs birthday cake? Because he always slobbers out the candles!

A doctor and his wife were having a big argument at breakfast. "You aren't so good in bed either!", he shouted and stormed off to work. By mid morning, he decided he'd better make amends and called home. "What took you so long to answer?" "I was in bed." "What were you doing in bed this late?" "Getting a second opinion."

Where do pirates drink their beer? In schooners.

Bruise Lee: inept martial-arts student Merlyn Streep: professional magician Sean Cannery: manager, fish-packing plant Splint Eastwood: respected osteopath Bette Fidler: skilled symphony musician Marlon Brandy: maker of fine liqueurs Jackie Masonry: journeyman bricklayer Draw Barrymore: portrait artist Leanardo de Cappuccino: founder, coffee-shop chain.

Men are like coffee. The best ones are rich, hot and can keep you up all night.