Q: Does subliminal advertising work? A: That's an interesting question. The American public was first introduced to the idea of subliminal advertising in 1957 by James M. Vicary. In a press conference announcing the formation of the Subliminal Projection Company, Vicary claimed that he was able to increase sales of popcorn and Coke through the use of subliminal advertising. According to Vicary, during a six-week test in a movie theater, he was able to drive up sales of popcorn by 57.5% and sales of Coke by 18.1% simply by flashing the slogans "drink Coke" and "eat popcorn" over the movie for 1/3,000th of a second every five seconds. As plausible as his assertions might have been, there was little evidence to support them. For one thing, Vicary refused to reveal where he conducted his experiment or document it in any meaningful way. What's more, psychologists who performed similar experiments concluded that a subliminal ad was no more compelling than a billboard glimpsed from the corner of the eye. In an effort to vindicate his claim, Vicary agreed to run the subliminal message "telephone now" during a Canadian broadcast. Like other documented cases, the experiment failed. Telephone usage didn't increase noticeably, and not a single viewer guessed Vicary's message. While neither this experiment nor previous experiments disproved conclusively the effectiveness of subliminal ads, American broadcasters were so convinced of the ineffectiveness of subliminal messages that they simply volunteered not to run them. BTW, If you're still unconvinced and would like to see more research on the subject, you'll be happy to know that we're running our own little subliminal experiment. We can't tell you about it now, but in the coming weeks we'll reveal our findings.

A family was having dinner on Mother's Day. For some reason the mother was unusually quiet. Finally the husband asked what was wrong. "Nothing," said the woman. Not buying it, he asked again. "Seriously, what's wrong?" "Do you really want to know? Well, I'll tell you. I have cooked and cleaned and fed the kids for 15 years and on Mother's Day, you don't even tell me so much as "Thank you." "Why should I?" he said. "Not once in 15 years have I gotten a Father's Day gift." "Yes," she said, "but I'm their real mother."

Chuck Norris can't get through his steak breakfast without a fifth of whiskey.

Did you hear about the butcher who backed up into the meat grinder? He got a little behind in his work.

Little Johnny had become a real nuisance while his father tried to concentrate on his Saturday afternoon poker game with friends and relatives. His father tried every way possible to get Johnny to occupy himself...television, ice cream, homework, video games...but the youngster insisted on running back and forth behind the players and calling out the cards they held. The other players became so annoyed that they threatened to quit the game and all go home. At this point, the boy's uncle stood up, took Johnny by the hand, and led him out of the room. The uncle soon returned back to the poker table without Johnny, and without comment the game resumed. For the rest of the afternoon, little Johnny was nowhere to be seen and the card players continued without any further interruptions. After the poker game ended, the father asked Johnny's uncle, "What in the world did you say to Johnny? I haven't heard a peep from him all day!" "Not much," the boy's uncle replied. "I just showed him how to masturbate."

Three construction workers were down town working on a high-rise. A black guy, a Mexican, and a Polish guy. Come lunch time, the three sit down together on a beam and open their lunchboxes. The black guy opens his box and finds chicken wings and grits. "Man, I hate this crap. I've been eating this stuff since I was a kid." The Mexican opens his box and finds burritos and rice. "Me too man. I've had to eat this shit since I was little too." The Polish guy opens his box and finds a PB&J sandwich. "I'm with you guys. I've been eating this stuff for way too long." A week later, the three workers were up on the 30th floor. Come lucnch time, the three sit down together on the beam and open thier lunchboxes. The black guy opens his, and sure enough, chicken wings and grits. "Son of a bitch. I swear, if I get this crap one more time, I'm jumping." The Mexican opens his box, and there it is, burritos and rice. "Me too man. I'm sick of this crap. If I get this crap again, I'm jumping too." The Polish guy opens his box, and sure enough, a PB&J sandwich. "I'm with you guys. If I get another one of these damn sandwiches, I'm jumping with you two." A week passes, and the three are working on the 50th floor. Lunch time comes, and the three sit down together. The black guy opens his box, sees the chicken wings and grits. Standing up, he says goodbye to his friends and jumps to his death. The Mexican opens his box, and sure enough, burritos and rice. Saying goodbye to his friend, he too, jumps to his death. The Polish guy opens his box, sees the PB&J sandwich, and jumps to his death as well. A few days later at the funeral, the wives of the three workers were standing around and condoling each other. "I just don't get." the black guy's wife said. "He never told me he didn't like chicken wings or grits." "I know," the Mexican's wife said. "He never told me about the burritos or rice. I would have gladly made him something else." As the two talked, they noticed that the Polish guy's wife was still crying her eyes out. "There, there, dear. It'll be alright." they said to her. "I-I just don't understand it," she cried. "I mean, each day he made his own damn lunch."

What are apricots? Where monkeys sleep.

For all you Sadies out there, an explanation to help you understand ‘man-speak’ [My thanks to Stan C for the following] IT`S A GUY THING: There’s no rational thought pattern connected with this and you have no chance at all of making it logical. CAN I HELP WITH DINNER?: What he really wanted to say was, "Why isn`t dinner already on the table?" UH HUH; SURE, HONEY; OR YES, DEAR: This is a conditioned response and means absolutely nothing. IT WOULD TAKE TOO LONG TO EXPLAIN: This is another way of saying, "I have no idea how it works." I WAS LISTENING TO YOU. IT`S JUST THAT I’VE THINGS ON MY MIND: What this really means is, "I wasn’t listening to you because I was wondering if that blond over there was wearing a bra." TAKE A BREAK DARLING, YOU’RE WORKING TOO HARD: What he really wanted to say was, "I can`t hear the football match on the TV. Please turn off the vacuum cleaner." THAT`S INTERESTING, DEAR: This is another way of saying, "Are you still talking?" YOU KNOW HOW BAD MY MEMORY IS: This means, "I remember all the words to `My Way`; the name of the first girl I kissed; and the registration numbers of every car I`ve owned - but I forgot your birthday." I WAS THINKING ABOUT YOU SO I GOT YOU THESE FLOWERS: This really means, "The girl selling flowers on the corner was a real beauty, so I bought some from her." HEY, I`VE GOT MY REASONS FOR WHAT I`M DOING: But what he didn’t add was, "And I sure hope I think of some pretty good reasons soon.” WHAT DID I DO THIS TIME?: What he really wanted to say was, "What did you catch me at this time?" I HEARD YOU: What this means is, "I haven`t the foggiest clue what you just said and I’m hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you don`t spend the next 3 days yelling at me. YOU KNOW I COULD NEVER LOVE ANYONE ELSE: This really means, "I’m used to the way you shout at me, and I realise it could be worse." YOU LOOK TERRIFIC: What he really wanted to say was, "Please don`t try on one more outfit, I`m absolutely starving."

THERE WAS THIS FLY THAT WAS HOVERING OVER A LAKE, A FISH SEEN THIS FLY AND SAID "YOU KNOW IF THAT FLY WOULD JUST DROP 6 MORE INCHES I COULD GET THAT FLY" IN THE WOODS NEARBY A BEAR SEEN WHAT WAS GOING ON AND HE SAID "YOU KNOW IF THAT FLY WOULD JUST DROP 6 MORE INCHES THAT FISH COULD GET THAT FLY, AND I COULD GET THAT FISH" IN THE SAME WOODS THERE WAS A HUNTER SITTING ON A LOG EATING HIS SANDWICH, AND HE SEEN WHAT WAS GOING ON, AND HE SAID "YOU KNOW IF THAT FLY WOULD JUST DROP 6 MORE INCHES, THAT FISH COULD GET THAT FLY, THAT BEAR COULD GET THAT FISH, AND I COULD GET THAT BEAR" PEEKING FROM BEHIND A TREE WAS THIS MOUSE, AND IT SEEN WHAT WAS GOING ON, AND THE MOUSE SAID "YOU KNOW IF THAT FLY WOULD JUST DROP 6 MORE INCHES THAT FISH COULD GET THAT FLY, THAT BEAR COUD GET THAT FISH, THAT HUNTER COULD GET THAT BEAR, AND I COULD GET THAT SANDWICH" SNEAKING UP THRU THE GRASS WAS A CAT, AND IT SEEN WHAT WAS GOING ON, AND THE CAT SAID "YOU KNOW IF THAT FLY WOULD JUST DROP 6 MORE INCHES THAT FISH COULD GET THAT FLY, THAT BEAR COULD GET THAT FISH, THAT HUNTER COULD GET THAT BEAR, THAT MOUSE COULD GET THE SANDWICH, AND I COULD GET THAT MOUSE" ALL OF A SUDDEN THAT FLY DROPPED 6 INCHES AND "BAM" EVERYTHING HAPPENED AT ONCE, JUST AS PLANNED, EXCEPT WHEN THE CAT WENT TO POUNCE ON THE MOUSE IT WAS RUNNING SO FAST THAT IT OVER SHOT THE LOG, AND WOULD UP IN THE LAKE. THE MORAL OF THIS STORY IS:? EVERY TIME A FLY DROPS SIX INCHES A PUSSY GETS WET.

If you lived as a child in the 40's, 50's, 60's or 70's how did you survive? Looking back, it's hard to believe that we have lived as long as we have... As children, we would ride in cars with no seat belts or air bags. Riding in the back of a pickup truck on a warm day was always a special treat. Our baby cribs were covered with bright colored lead-based paint. We had no childproof lids on medicine bottles, doors, or cabinets, and when we rode our bikes, we had no helmets. We drank water from the garden hose and not from a bottle. Horrors! We would spend hours building our go-carts out of scraps and then rode down the hill, only to find out we forgot the brakes. After running into the bushes a few times we learned to solve the problem. We would leave home in the morning and play all day, as long as we were back when the streetlights came on. No one was able to reach us all day. No cell phones. Unthinkable. We played dodgeball and sometimes the ball would really hurt. We got cut and broke bones and broke teeth, and there were no lawsuits from these accidents. They were accidents. No one was to blame, but us. Remember accidents? We had fights and punched each other and got black and blue and learned to get over it. We ate cupcakes, bread and butter, and drank sugar soda but we were never overweight... we were always outside playing. We shared one grape soda with four friends, from one bottle and no one died from this. We did not have Playstations, Nintendo 64, X-Boxes, video games at all, 99 channels on cable,video tape movies, surround sound, personal cell phones, Personal Computers, Internet chat rooms ... we had friends. We went outside and found them. We rode bikes or walked to a friend's home and knocked on the door, or rung the bell or just walked in and talked to them. Imagine such a thing. Without asking a parent! By ourselves! Out there in the cold cruel world! Without a guardian. How did we do it? We made up games with sticks and tennis balls and ate worms and although we were told it would happen, we did not put out very many eyes, nor did the worms live inside us forever. Little League had tryouts and not everyone made the team. Those who didn't, had to learn to deal with disappointment... Some students weren't as smart as others so they failed a grade and were held back to repeat the same grade... Horrors! Tests were not adjusted for any reason. Our actions were our own. Consequences were expected. No one to hide behind. The idea of a parent bailing us out if we broke a law was unheard of. They actually sided with the law, imagine that! This generation has produced some of the best risk-takers and problem solvers and inventors ever. The past 50 years has been an explosion of innovation and new ideas. We had freedom, failure, success and responsibility, and we learned how to deal with it all. And you're one of them. Congratulations!

There was this couple who had been married for 50 years. They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning and the old gentleman said to his wife, "Just think honey, we`ve been married for 50 years." "Yeah," she replied. "Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together." "I know," the old man said. "We were probably sitting here as naked as jaybirds fifty years ago." "Well," Granny snickered, "What do you say...should we?" Whereupon the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table. "You know honey," the little old lady breathlessly replied, "My nipples are as hot for you as they were fifty years ago." "I wouldn`t be surprised," replied Gramps, "One`s in your coffee and the other one`s in your oatmeal."

Chuck Norris can have his cake and eat it too.

Guy: I hope I don't get a cake on my birthday. Girl: Why? Guy: Because I wouldn't be able to blow the candles out. Girl: Why? Guy: Because you just took my breath away!

A young couple decided to wed. As the big day approached, they grew apprehensive. Each had a problem they had never before shared with anyone, not even each other. The Groom-to-be, overcoming his fear, decided to ask his father for advice. "Father," he said, "I am deeply concerned about the success of my marriage." His father replied, "Don't you love this girl?" "Oh yes, very much," he said," but you see, I have very smelly feet, and I'm afraid that my fiance will be put off by them." "No problem," said dad, "all you have to do is wash your feet as often as possible,and always wear socks, even to bed." Well, to him this seemed a workable solution. The bride-to-be, overcoming her fear, decided to take her problem up with her mom." Mom," she said, "When I wake up in the morning my breath is truly awful." "Honey," her mother consoled, "everyone has bad breath in the morning." "No, you don't understand,. My morning breath is so bad, I'm afraid that my fiance will not want to sleep in the same room with me." Her mother said simply, "Try this. In the morning, get straight out of bed, and head for the kitchen and make breakfast. While the family is busy eating, move on to the bathroom and brush your teeth. The key is, not to say a word until you've brushed your teeth." "I shouldn't say good morning or anything?" the daughter asked. "Not a word," her mother affirmed. "Well, it's certainly worth a try," she thought. The loving couple were finally married. Not forgetting the advice each had received, he with his perpetual socks and she with her morning silence, they managed quite well. That is, until about six months later. Shortly before dawn one morning, the husband wakes with a start to find that one of his socks had come off. Fearful of the consequences, he frantically searches the bed. This, of course, wakes his bride and without thinking, she asks, "What on earth are you doing?" "Oh, my," he replies, "you've swallowed my sock!"

There is a new Barbie doll on the market - Fast Food Barbie ...also known as McBarbie...you want fries with that?

Chuch Norris eats one sided pancakes for breakfast.

Marge: "Homer, you never listen to anything I say " Homer: "Thank you. I would like an omelet."

If Microsoft operated Restaurants Patron: Waiter! Waiter: Hi, my name is Bill, and I'll be your Support Waiter. What seems to be the problem? Patron: There's a fly in my soup! Waiter: Try again, maybe the fly won't be there this time. Waiter: Maybe the soup is incompatible with the bowl; what kind of bowl are you using? Patron: A SOUP bowl! Waiter: Can you remember everything you did before you noticed the fly in your soup? Patron: I sat down and ordered the Soup of the Day! Waiter: Have you considered upgrading to the latest Soup of the Day?

Ministerial CandidatesThe following is a confidential report on several candidates being considered for a ministry position.ADAMGood man but problems with his wife. Also one reference told of how he and his wife enjoy walking nude in the woods.JESUSSeldom stays in one place very long. And, of course, he`s single. Has a messiah complex.NOAHProne to unrealistic building projects.ABRAHAMThough the reference reported wife swapping, the facts seem to show he never slept with another man`s wife, but did offer to share his own wife.JOSEPHA big thinker but a braggart. Believes in dream interpreting, and has a prison record. Had been accused of adultery.MOSESA modest and meek man but poor communicator, even stuttering at times. Sometimes blows his stack and acts rashly.JOBComplains a lot.DAVIDThe most promising leader of all until we discovered his affair with his neighbour`s wife. His kids are out of control. Worse yet, he`s a proponent of instrumental music in worship.SOLOMONGreat preacher but our parsonage would never hold all those wives. Good with building projects though. Rather extravagant.ELIJAHProne to depression. Collapses under pressure. Spends too much time in wilderness. Loner. No wife that we know of.SAMSONHair is too long.JONAHRefused God`s call into ministry until he was forced to obey by getting swallowed up by a great fish. He told us the fish later spit him out on the shore near here. Known to pout when things don`t go his way. We hung up.MELCHIZEDEKGreat credentials at current work place, but where does this guy come from? No information on his resume about former work records. Every line about parents was left blank and he refused to supply a birth date.JOHNSays he`s a Baptist but definitely doesn`t dress like one. Has slept outdoors for months on end. Has a weird diet. Provokes denominational leaders. Is too social and political minded. Offends politicians and isknown to lose his head on occasion.PETERToo blue collar. Has a bad temper. Has even been known to curse. Had a big run-in with Paul in Antioch. Aggressive, but a loose cannon. Probably speaks in tongues. Claims to have visions.PAULPowerful CEO type leader and fascinating preacher. However, short on tact, unforgiving with younger ministers, harsh and has been known to preach all night. Controversial on women`s issues. Admits to speaking in tongues. Has recommended young men to drink wine. Little chance that he will ever marry.TIMOTHYToo young.METHUSELAHToo old. WAY too old.JUDASHis references are solid. A steady plodder. Conservative and pragmatic. Good connections. Knows how to handle money. We`re inviting him to preach this Sunday. Possibilities here.

On their anniversary night, the husband sat his wife sat down in the den with her favorite magazine, turned on the soft reading lamp, slipped off her shoes, patted and propped her feet and announced that he was preparing dinner all by himself."How romantic!" she thought.Two-and-a-half hours later, she was still waiting for dinner to be served. She tiptoed to the kitchen and found it in a colossal mess.Her harried husband, removing something indescribable from the smoking oven, saw her in the doorway. "Almost ready!" he vowed. "Sorry it took me so long -- I had to refill the pepper shaker.""Why, honey, how long could that have taken you?""More`n an hour, I reckon. Wasn`t easy stuffin` it through those dumb little holes."