Quinoa Chunky Vegetable Soup (Vegan)
My Whole Food Life
Four high school boys afflicted with spring fever skipped morning classes. After lunch they reported to the teacher that they had a flat tire. Much to their relief she smiled and said: "Well, you missed a test today so take seats apart from one another and take out a piece of paper." Still smiling, she waited for them to sit down. Then she said: "First Question: Which tire was flat?"
3 men were locked up in jail for 100 years for some terrible crime. They could all have one thing each in jail. The first guy wanted beer, the second guy wanted naked woman and the third guy wanted marijuana. 100 years later they checked up on them. The first guy said "oh gosh no more beer, full, drunk." The second guy said "oh, the woman fight, well im going gay." Then the third guy said "Does anyone have a lighter?"
A Russian, an Italian and an Irishman got out of work and were deciding where to go for a drink. The Irishman said "Let's all go to O'Learys. With every third round, the bartender will give each of us a free Guiness." The Italian said "That sounds good, but if we go to Baldini's with every third round they bring a free bottle of wine to the table." The Russian said "That sounds fine but if we go to Gouvstof's we drink for free all night and then go out into the parking lot and get laid." "That sounds to good to be true!" the Irishman exclaimed. "Have you actually been there?" "No," the Russian replied, "but my wife goes there all the time."
1. You just tried to enter your password on the microwave. 2. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of three. 3. You call your son's beeper to let him know it's time to eat. He emails you back from his bedroom, "What's for dinner?" 4. Your daughter sells Girl Scout Cookies via her web site. 5. You chat several times a day with a stranger from South Africa, but you haven't spoken with your next door neighbor this year. 6. You check the ingredients on a can of chicken noodle soup to see if it contains Echinacea. 7. Your grandmother asks you to send her a JPEG file of your newborn so she can create a screen saver. 8. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is home. 9. Every commercial on television has a web-site address at the bottom of the screen. 10. You buy a computer and 6 months later it is out of date and now sells for half the price you paid. 11. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn't have the first 20 or 30 years of your life, is cause for panic and turning around to go get it. 12. Using real money, instead of credit or debit, to make a purchase would be a hassle and take planning. 13. Cleaning up the dining room means getting the fast food bags out of the back seat of your car. 14. Your reason for not staying in touch with family is that they do not have e-mail addresses. 15. You consider second-day air delivery painfully slow. 16. Your dining room table is now your flat filing cabinet. 17. Your idea of being organized is multiple-colored Post-it notes. 18. You hear most of your jokes via e-mail instead of in person. 19. You get an extra phone line so you can get phone calls. 20. You disconnect from the Internet and get this awful feeling, as if you just pulled the plug on a loved one. 21. You get up in morning and go online before getting your coffee. 22. You wake up at 2 am to go to the bathroom and check your E-mail on your way back to bed. 23. You start tilting your head sideways to smile. :) 24. You're reading this. 25. Even worse; you're going to forward it to someone else.
How rich is rich? The story is told that Lord Rothschild and Sir Isaac Wolfson met one day in the City. During a pleasant conversation, they decided to treat themselves each to a new Rolls Royce and so they took a taxi to the nearest RR showroom. When they got there, they both fell in love with the same pale blue Rolls Royce Ecstasy on display. But there was only one of these cars in the showroom. The sales manager heard what was going on and said to the two famous millionaires, “It’s not a problem, gentlemen. If you both want one, I can get another pale blue Ecstasy from our other branch here within 45 minutes.” “OK,” said Lord Rothschild, “get it. In the meantime, we’re going for a coffee.” When they returned to the showroom, there stood two beautiful, gleaming, pale blue Rolls Royce Ecstasy saloons. Sir Isaac took out his chequebook but before he could open it, Lord Rothschild waved it away and said, “I wouldn’t hear of it, my dear fellow. These are on me – you paid for the coffees.
Four-year-old Jared was eating a hot dog when he dropped it on the floor. He quickly picked it up and was about to take another bite when his mom said, "No, Jared, you can't eat that now it has germs." Jared pondered the thought a moment and replied, "Jesus, germs, and Santa Claus - that's all I ever hear and I haven't seen one of them yet!"
Rene Descartes walks into a bar. Bartender says, "have a beer?" Descartes says, "I think...not..." and disappears.
William: May I have some money for the man crying outside? Mum: What crying man? William: The one that's crying, 'Ice cream! Ice Cream!'.
A beautiful young New York woman was so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the ocean. But just before she could throw herself from the docks, a handsome young sailor stopped her. "You have so much to live for," said the sailor. "Look, I?m off to Europe tomorrow and I can stow you away on my ship. I?ll take care of you, bring you food every day, and keep you happy." With nothing to lose, combined with the fact that she had always wanted to go to Europe, the woman accepted. That night the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a lifeboat. From then on, every night he would bring her three sandwiches and make love to her until dawn. Three weeks later she was discovered by the captain during a routine inspection. "What are you doing here?" asked the captain. "I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she replied. "He brings me food and I get a free trip to Europe. Plus he?s screwing me." "He certainly is," replied the captain. "This is the Staten Island Ferry".
Yesterday, scientists in the United States revealed that beer contains small traces of female hormones.To prove their theory, they fed one hundred men twelve pints of beer and observed that 100% of them started talking nonsense and couldn`t drive.
A drunk man who smelled like a beer sat down on a subway seat next to a priest. The man's tie was stained, his face was smeared with red lipstick, and a half empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began to read. After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked 'Say Father, what causes arthritis?' The priest replies 'My son, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap wicked women, too much alcohol and comtempt for your fellow man' 'Well I'll be darned' the drunk muttered, returning to his newspaper. The priest thinking about what he said, nudged the drunk and apologised. 'I'm sorry to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?' 'I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does.'.
You Know It's Your Last Day At Work When... You hand a bank teller an envelope, and when she asks, "What's this?" you realize you just dropped the company's deposit in a mailbox. A woman comes into the store, you turn to the other salesman and say, "I waited on the last fat ugly old lady. This one's yours." Your boss is standing behind you. It's his wife. While your boss is at lunch, you sneak in and look at some confidential information on his computer. You spill coffee on the keyboard. It shorts out. You return from a week's vacation to find that you had scheduled *this* week as vacation, not last week. You take a "sick" day. The next morning the boss asks you, "So, how was the fishing on Rock Creek yesterday?"
Dr. Lecter got his recipe of liver and fava beans from Chuck Norris.
Three rednecks were trying to sneak into the Olympic Village while in Atlanta to scoop souvenirs and autographs. The first says, "Let's watch the registration table to see if there's a crack in the security system that we can utilize to scam our way in." Immediately, a burly athlete walks up to the table and states, "Angus MacPherson. Scotland. Shotput." He opens his gym bag to display a shotput to the registration attendant. The attendant says, "Very good, Mr. MacPherson. Here is your packet of registration materials, complete with hotel keys, passes to all Olympic events, meal tickets, and other information." The first guy gets inspired and grabs a small tree sapling, strips off the limbs and roots, walks up the registration table and states: "Chuck Wagon. Canada. Javelin." The attendant says, "Very good, Mr. Wagon. Here is your packet of registration materials, hotel keys, passes, meal tickets, and so forth. Good luck!" The second guy grabs a street utility manhole cover, walks up to the registration table and states: "Dusty Rhodes. Australia. Discus." The attendant says, "Terrific, Mr. Rhodes. Here is your packet of registration materials, hotel keys, a full set of passes, and meal tickets. Enjoy yourself." They scamper in, but suddenly realize the third guy is missing. They groan, because he's a simpleton from the hills of Vermont. They forgot to make sure he doesn't do something stupid and blow their cover stories. Just then he walks proudly up to the table with a roll of barbed wire under his arm and states: "Foster Bean. Hardwick, Vermont. Fencing."
The local courtroom was packed as testimony began in the sentencing hearing of a woman convicted of murdering her husband of 20 years by poisoning his coffee. The defense attorney knew he had his work cut out for him trying to make his client appear more sympathetic to the Judge, especially since she had been so "matter-of-fact" about the whole thing all during the trial. "Mrs. Roth," he began, "was there any point that morning where you felt pity for your husband?" "Well... yeah... I guess..." she replied. "And when was that?" pressed the attorney. "Well...," she replied, "when he asked for his third cup."
Is that you? Becky is making love to her ‘toy boy’ when she hears her Bernie’s car coming up the drive. "Hurry," she says to him, "stand in the corner, my husband’s here." Becky quickly rubs baby oil all over him and dusts him with a thick layer of talcum powder. "Don`t move until I tell you to," she whispers to him, "pretend you`re a statue." "What`s this, darling?" says Bernie as he enters the bedroom. "Oh, it`s just a statue," replies Becky. "The Golds next door bought one for their bedroom and when I saw it, I liked it so much, I got one for us too." Nothing more was said, not even when they later go to bed for the night. At 2am, Bernie quietly slips out of bed, goes down to the kitchen and returns with a cold salt beef sandwich on rye and a glass of orange juice. "Here," he whispers to the statue, "eat this. I stood like a shmuck at the Golds for 2 days and nobody even offered me a glass of water."
It is illegal for liquor stores to sell food or grocery stores to sell any alcohol except beer that is at most 3.2% alcohol.
Q: Why did the cookie go to the doctor? A: He was feeling crummy!
Q: Where do you learn how to make ice cream? A: Sundae School.
Waiter, my lunch is talking to me! Well you did ask for a tongue sandwich!