You know you are addicted to coffee if ... You short out motion detectors.

Reminiscing Ruth, Hetty and Naomi, all three in their 80s, are sitting together in their retirement home reminiscing about the good old days. Ruth says, "I remember when I used to be able to buy lovely big cucumbers at the greengrocers for no more than 1p each. They were giants , not like the little cucumbers on sale today." Hetty then says, "Well I remember the giant onions I used to be able to buy for ½ p each. Every week, I always bought two of them (and she demonstrates the size of the two onions with her hands as she talks) for my chicken soup." Naomi, who has been sitting quietly listening to Ruth and Hetty, then says, "I couldn’t hear a word either of you were saying, but I remember the guy you were talking about."

Someone, somewhere said these [My thanks to Stan C for the following] Food has replaced sex in my life. Now I can`t even get into my own pants. Marriage changes passion. Suddenly you`re in bed with a relative. I saw a woman wearing a T-shirt with "Guess" on it. So I said "Implants?" She hit me. I don`t do drugs. I get the same effect just standing up fast. I live in my own little world. But it`s OK, they know me here. If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal? I love being married. It`s great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life. I’m a nobody and nobody is perfect. Therefore, I am perfect. Everyday I beat my own previous record for the number of consecutive days I`ve stayed alive. Isn`t having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing section in a swimming pool? Why is it that most nudists are people you don`t want to see naked? Snowmen fall from Heaven unassembled.

An Blonde calls her boyfriend and says, "Please come over here and help me, I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get it started." Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished? The girl says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a tiger." Her boyfriend decides to go over and help her with the puzzle. She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzles spread all over the table. He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box. He turns to her and says, "First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a tiger. Second, I'd advise you to relax. Let's have a cup of coffee, then put all these Frosties back in the box."

The newly married man came home from work to find his new bride stretched languorously on the sofa, dressed in a negligee. "Guess what I got planned for dinner?" she asked seductively. "And don't you dare tell me you had it for lunch today."

One day, little Billy comes home from kindergarten for lunch. Not finding his mother in the kitchen, or the living room, he heads upstairs to check her bedroom. He opens the door, and what does he see, but his father, who had also come home for lunch, stripped naked, on top of his mother, also naked, heavily into the act of lovemaking. Not wanting to traumatize the boy, the parents continue as if nothing was wrong. Billy watches, and after a couple of minutes asks,"Daddy, can I climb on and have a horsie ride?" "Of course, Son, we're a family." So Billy climbs on and after a few more minutes his mother starts moaning and writhing wildly. "Hang on Dad!", cries Billy, "this is where me and the mailman usually falls off!"

Moshe was eating in a Chinese restaurant and was chatting to his Chinese waiter.Moshe commented upon what a wise people the Chinese were."Yes," replied the waiter, "we`re wise because our culture is 4,000 years old. But Jewish people are also very wise, are they not?"Moshe replied, "Yes, we are. Our culture is 5,000 years old."The waiter was surprised to hear this. "That can`t be true," he replied, "where did your people eat for a thousand years?"

Chuck Norris puts the "hurt" in yoghurt.

Chuck Norris can down a 30 pack in one sip. But beers for pussies he only drinks whisky... which he chases with whisky.

A travelling salesman was passing through a small town in the West when he saw a little old man sitting in a rocking chair on the stoop of his house. The little old man looked so contented that the salesman couldn't resist going over and talking to him. "You look as if you don't have a care in the world," the salesman told him. "What is your formula for a long and happy life?" "Well," replied the little old man, "I smoke six packs of cigarettes a day, I drink a quart of bourbon every four hours and six cases of beer a week. I never wash and I go out every night." "My goodness," exclaimed the salesman, "that's just great! How old are you?" "Twenty-five," was the reply.

What do snowmen eat for lunch? Icebergers!

Yo momma is so fat that the only exercise she gets is when she chases the ice cream truck.

It will be a mitzvah! One day, as Judith is reaching inside her fridge for something for dinner, she notices a plastic-wrapped chicken right at the back, on the bottom shelf. She removes it from the fridge and she’s not happy with what she sees. This is a chicken she bought many weeks ago and has forgotten about. It’s looking very ragged and unappetising - even a bit smelly. But just as she`s about to throw it in the bin, her husband Harry stops her. "Don’t do that," says Harry. "Our neighbour Bernie has been out of work for months and he and his family probably haven’t had a roast chicken meal for ages. I think you should give him the chicken." "But it`s no good, it’s probably gone off," says Judith. "It doesn`t matter," says Harry, "just do it. It will be a mitzvah!" So Judith gives the chicken to her next door neighbour. But then, two days later, they learn that Bernie is terribly sick and has been taken to the local hospital. "We must go to the hospital right away," says Harry, "and pay Bernie a visit – it will be a mitzvah!" The day following their visit, they learn that Bernie has died. "Oy gevalt," cries Judith, "what on earth shall we do, Harry?" "What shall we do?" Harry replies, "We shall go to Bernie’s levoyah, that’s what. It will be a mitzvah!" Two days after attending Bernie’s levoyah, Harry says, "Judith, we`ve got to pay a visit to Bernie’s family while they’re sitting shivah. It will be a mitzvah!" So Judith and Bernie go next door to join the family in prayers for the loss of their husband and father. By the time they return home, Judith is crying. "Harry," she sobs, "don’t you think it was wrong of us to give Bernie that old chicken?" "You must be joking, Judith," replies Harry. "From that one old chicken, we got ourselves four mitzvahs!" levoyah: funeral shivah: 7 day period of mourning mitzvah: good deed.

While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly shut-ins, I often take my four-year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds. She was unfailingly intrigued by the various appliances of old age, particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs. One day I found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered, "The tooth fairy will never believe this!"

What's red and invisible? No tomatoes.

What is the difference between a banana and a bell? You can only peel the banana once.

At a nursing home in Florida, a group of senior citizens were sitting around talking about their aches and pains."My arms are so weak I can hardly lift this cup of coffee," said one."I know what you mean. My cataracts are so bad I can`t even see my coffee," replied another."I can`t turn my head because of the arthritis in my neck," said a third."My blood pressure pills make me dizzy," another contributed."I guess that`s the price we pay for getting old," winced an old man.Then there was a short moment of silence."Thank God we can all still drive," said one woman cheerfully.

The day care bus driver drives with a bus full of Sun City seniors down a highway, when a little old lady taps him on his shoulder. She offers him a handful of almonds, which he gratefully munches up. 15 minutes later she taps him on his shoulder again and hands him another handful of almonds. She repeats this gesture about 8 times. After the 9th time he asks the lady why they do not eat the almonds themselves. She replied that it is not possible because of their old teeth. They can not chew them. "Why do you buy them then?" he asks, puzzled. Where upon the lady answers, "We just love to lick the chocolate around them".

Mr. Gable had a leak in the roof over his dining room, so he called a repairman to take a look at it. "When did you first notice the leak?" the repairman inquired. Mr. Gable scowled. "Last night, when it took me two hours to finish my soup!"

Twenty Responses to Use With Telemarketers 1. If they want to loan you money, tell them you just filed for bankruptcy and you could sure use some money. 2. If they start out with, “How are you today?” say, “I’m so glad you asked, because no one these days seems to care, and I have all these problems. My arthritis is acting up, my eyelashes are sore, my dog just died . . .. “ 3. If they say they’re John Doe from XYZ Company, ask them to spell their name. Then ask them to spell the company name. Then ask them where it is located, how long it has been in business, how many people work there, how they got into this line of work if they are married, how many kids they have, etc. Continue asking them personal questions or questions about their company for as long as necessary. 4. This works great if you are male. Telemarketer: “Hi, my name is Judy and I’m with XYZ Company. “ You: Wait for a second and with a real husky voice ask, “What are you wearing?” 5. Cry out in surprise, “Judy? Is that you? Oh my God! Judy, how have you been?” Hopefully, this will give Judy a few brief moments of terror as she tries to figure out where she could know you from. 6. Say “No” over and over. Be sure to vary the sound of each one, and keep a rhythmic tempo, even as they are trying to speak. This is most fun if you can do it until they hang up. 7. If MCI calls trying to get you to sign up for the Family and Friends Plan, reply, in as sinister a voice as you can, “I don’t have any friends, would you be my friend?” 8. If the company cleans rugs, respond: “Can you get out blood? Can you get out goat blood? How about human blood?” 9. After the Telemarketer gives his or her spiel, ask him or her to marry you. When they get all flustered, tell them that you can’t just give your credit card number to a complete stranger. 10. Tell the Telemarketer that you work for the same company, and they can’t sell to employees. 11. Answer the phone. As soon as you realize it is a Telemarketer, set the receiver down, scream, “Oh my God!” and then hang up. 12. Tell the Telemarketer you are busy at the moment and ask him/her if he/she will give you his/her home phone number so you can call him/her back. When the Telemarketer explains that telemarketers cannot give out their home numbers say, “I guess you don’t want anyone bothering you at home, right?” The Telemarketer will agree and you say, “Me either!” Hang up. 13. Ask them to repeat everything they say, several times. 14. Tell them it is dinner time, but ask if they would please hold. Put them on your speaker phone while you continue to eat at your leisure. Smack your food loudly and continue with your dinner conversation. 15. Tell the Telemarketer you are on “home incarceration” and ask if they could bring you some beer. 16. Ask them to fax the information to you, and make up a number. 17. Tell the Telemarketer, “Okay, I’ll listen to you. But I should probably tell you, I’m not wearing any clothes.” 18. Insist that the caller is really your buddy Leon, playing a joke. “Come on, Leon, cut it out! Seriously, Leon, how’s your momma?” 19. Tell them you are hard of hearing and that they need to speak up . . .. louder . . . louder . . . 20. Tell them to talk very slowly, because you want to write every word down.