William: May I have some money for the man crying outside? Mum: What crying man? William: The one that's crying, 'Ice cream! Ice Cream!'.

A beautiful young New York woman was so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the ocean. But just before she could throw herself from the docks, a handsome young sailor stopped her. "You have so much to live for," said the sailor. "Look, I?m off to Europe tomorrow and I can stow you away on my ship. I?ll take care of you, bring you food every day, and keep you happy." With nothing to lose, combined with the fact that she had always wanted to go to Europe, the woman accepted. That night the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a lifeboat. From then on, every night he would bring her three sandwiches and make love to her until dawn. Three weeks later she was discovered by the captain during a routine inspection. "What are you doing here?" asked the captain. "I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she replied. "He brings me food and I get a free trip to Europe. Plus he?s screwing me." "He certainly is," replied the captain. "This is the Staten Island Ferry".

Yesterday, scientists in the United States revealed that beer contains small traces of female hormones.To prove their theory, they fed one hundred men twelve pints of beer and observed that 100% of them started talking nonsense and couldn`t drive.

A drunk man who smelled like a beer sat down on a subway seat next to a priest. The man's tie was stained, his face was smeared with red lipstick, and a half empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began to read. After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked 'Say Father, what causes arthritis?' The priest replies 'My son, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap wicked women, too much alcohol and comtempt for your fellow man' 'Well I'll be darned' the drunk muttered, returning to his newspaper. The priest thinking about what he said, nudged the drunk and apologised. 'I'm sorry to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?' 'I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does.'.

You Know It's Your Last Day At Work When... You hand a bank teller an envelope, and when she asks, "What's this?" you realize you just dropped the company's deposit in a mailbox. A woman comes into the store, you turn to the other salesman and say, "I waited on the last fat ugly old lady. This one's yours." Your boss is standing behind you. It's his wife. While your boss is at lunch, you sneak in and look at some confidential information on his computer. You spill coffee on the keyboard. It shorts out. You return from a week's vacation to find that you had scheduled *this* week as vacation, not last week. You take a "sick" day. The next morning the boss asks you, "So, how was the fishing on Rock Creek yesterday?"

Dr. Lecter got his recipe of liver and fava beans from Chuck Norris.

Three rednecks were trying to sneak into the Olympic Village while in Atlanta to scoop souvenirs and autographs. The first says, "Let's watch the registration table to see if there's a crack in the security system that we can utilize to scam our way in." Immediately, a burly athlete walks up to the table and states, "Angus MacPherson. Scotland. Shotput." He opens his gym bag to display a shotput to the registration attendant. The attendant says, "Very good, Mr. MacPherson. Here is your packet of registration materials, complete with hotel keys, passes to all Olympic events, meal tickets, and other information." The first guy gets inspired and grabs a small tree sapling, strips off the limbs and roots, walks up the registration table and states: "Chuck Wagon. Canada. Javelin." The attendant says, "Very good, Mr. Wagon. Here is your packet of registration materials, hotel keys, passes, meal tickets, and so forth. Good luck!" The second guy grabs a street utility manhole cover, walks up to the registration table and states: "Dusty Rhodes. Australia. Discus." The attendant says, "Terrific, Mr. Rhodes. Here is your packet of registration materials, hotel keys, a full set of passes, and meal tickets. Enjoy yourself." They scamper in, but suddenly realize the third guy is missing. They groan, because he's a simpleton from the hills of Vermont. They forgot to make sure he doesn't do something stupid and blow their cover stories. Just then he walks proudly up to the table with a roll of barbed wire under his arm and states: "Foster Bean. Hardwick, Vermont. Fencing."

The local courtroom was packed as testimony began in the sentencing hearing of a woman convicted of murdering her husband of 20 years by poisoning his coffee. The defense attorney knew he had his work cut out for him trying to make his client appear more sympathetic to the Judge, especially since she had been so "matter-of-fact" about the whole thing all during the trial. "Mrs. Roth," he began, "was there any point that morning where you felt pity for your husband?" "Well... yeah... I guess..." she replied. "And when was that?" pressed the attorney. "Well...," she replied, "when he asked for his third cup."

Is that you? Becky is making love to her ‘toy boy’ when she hears her Bernie’s car coming up the drive. "Hurry," she says to him, "stand in the corner, my husband’s here." Becky quickly rubs baby oil all over him and dusts him with a thick layer of talcum powder. "Don`t move until I tell you to," she whispers to him, "pretend you`re a statue." "What`s this, darling?" says Bernie as he enters the bedroom. "Oh, it`s just a statue," replies Becky. "The Golds next door bought one for their bedroom and when I saw it, I liked it so much, I got one for us too." Nothing more was said, not even when they later go to bed for the night. At 2am, Bernie quietly slips out of bed, goes down to the kitchen and returns with a cold salt beef sandwich on rye and a glass of orange juice. "Here," he whispers to the statue, "eat this. I stood like a shmuck at the Golds for 2 days and nobody even offered me a glass of water."

It is illegal for liquor stores to sell food or grocery stores to sell any alcohol except beer that is at most 3.2% alcohol.

Q: Why did the cookie go to the doctor? A: He was feeling crummy!

Q: Where do you learn how to make ice cream? A: Sundae School.

Waiter, my lunch is talking to me! Well you did ask for a tongue sandwich!

The facelift - 2 Morris decides to have a facelift for his birthday. He spends £5,000 at Bushey hospital and feels really good about the result. But would others see how good he looked? So he thought he would put this to the test. On his way home, he stops off at Brent Cross shopping centre. He first of all goes into Smiths, buys a newspaper and says to the girl behind the cash desk, "I hope you don`t mind me asking, but how old do you think I am?" "About 35," came the reply. "I`m actually 47," Morris says, feeling really happy. Then he goes into Fenwicks for lunch and asks the waitress the same question, to which the reply is, "Oh you look about 29 ". "I am actually 47." This makes him feel really good. In the car park on the way out, Morris meets two elderly ladies and asks them the same question. One of them winks to the other and replies, "I can’t really tell. I am 70 years old and my eyesight is not as good as it used to be. But when I was younger, there was a sure way of telling a man’s age. If you let me put my hand down your trousers for a few minutes, I will certainly be able to tell your exact age." As there was no one around, Morris thought why not and let her slip her hand down his trousers. Five minutes later, the lady says, "OK, it`s done. I now know that you are 47." Stunned, Morris says to her, "That was brilliant. How did you do that? " She replies, giggling, "We were behind you in the Fenwick’s queue."

Now that Uday & Qusay have been eliminated, a lot of their lesser-known family members are coming to the attention of American authorities. Among the brothers are: Sooflay ...the restaurateur Guday... the half-Australian brother Huray... the sports fanatic Begay...the gay brother Kuntay & Kintay...the twins from the African mother Sayhay...the baseball player Ojay...the stalker / murderer Gulay...the singer / entertainer Ebay...the Internet czar Biliray...the country music star Ecksray...the radiologist Puray...the blender factory owner Regay...the half-Jamaican brother Tupay...the one with bad hair And the sisters are: Pusay...the 'loose' 22 yr. old Lattay...the coffee shop owner Bufay...the 300 pound sister Dushay...the clean sister Phayray...the zoo worker in the gorilla house Sapheway...the grocery store owner Ollay...the half-Mexican sister Gudlay...the prostitute.

One Sunday morning Joe burst into the living room and said, "Dad, Mom, I have some great news for you! I am getting married to the most beautiful girl in town. She lives a block away and her name is Susan. After dinner, Joe's dad took him aside, "Son, I have to talk with you.. Your mother and I have been married 30 years. She's a wonderful wife but she has never offered much excitement in the bedroom, so I used to fool around with women a lot. Susan is actually your half-sister, and I'm afraid you can't marry her." Joe was heart-broken. After eight months he eventually started dating girls again. A year later he came home and very proudly announced, "Dianne said yes! We are getting married in June." Again his father insisted on another private conversation and broke the sad news. "Diane is your half-sister too, Joe, I am very sorry about this." Joe was furious! He finally decided to go to his mother with the news. "Dad has done so much harm. I guess I am never going to get married", he complained. "Every time I fall in love, Dad tells me the girl is my half-sister." His mother just shook her head. "Don't pay any attention to what he says, dear. He's not really your father."

At a medical convention, a male doctor and a female doctor start eyeing each other. The male doctor asks her to dinner and she accepts. As they sit down at the restaurant, she excuses herself to go and wash her hands. After dinner, one thing leads to another and they end up in her hotel bedroom. Just as things get hot, the female doctor interrupts and says she has to go and wash her hands. Once she comes back they go for it. After the sex session, she gets up and says she is going to wash her hands. As she comes back the male doctor says, "I bet you are a surgeon". She confirms and asks how he knew. "Easy, you're always washing your hands." She then says, "I bet you're an anesthesiologist." Male doctor: "Wow, how did you guess?" Female doctor: "I didn't feel a thing."

Chuck Norris owns a chain of fast-food restaurants throughout the southwest. They serve nothing but barbecue-flavored ice cream and Hot Pockets.

Q: What do you call a wiener dog at the beach? A: A hot dog!

What do you call a bull that runs into a threshing machine? Hamburger!