A woman was leaving a 7-11 with her morning coffee when she noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery. A long black hearse was followed by a second long black hearse about 50 feet behind. Behind the second hearse was a solitary woman walking a pit bull on a leash. Behind her were 200 women walking single file. The woman couldn't stand her curiosity. She respectfully approached the woman walking the dog and said, "I am so sorry for your loss and I know now is a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this. Whose funeral is it?" The woman replied, "Well, the first hearse is for my husband." "What happened to him?" The woman replied, "My dog attacked and killed him." She inquired further, "Well, who is in the second hearse?" The woman answered, "My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my husband when the dog turned on her." A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passes between the two women. "Could I borrow that dog?" "Get in line."

One day a guy on a vacation heard of an Indian with an amazing memory, so he decided to visit the Indian and see what the big deal was. He went to the Indian and asked him, "What did you eat for breakfast on July 2, 1961?" The Indian replied, "Eggs." The same man came back 10 years later to see the Indian again. He greeted him by saying, "How." The Indian said, "Fried."

What did one plate say to the other plate? Dinner is on me!

Because I’m a man Because I’m a man, when I catch a cold I need someone to bring me soup and take care of me while I lie in bed and moan. You`re a woman - you never get as sick as I do, so for you this isn`t a problem. Because I’m a man, I can be relied upon to purchase basic groceries, like milk or bread. Don’t expect me to find exotic items like ‘cumin’ or ‘tofu’. For all I know, these are the same thing. And never, ever expect me to purchase anything for which "feminine hygiene product" is a euphemism. Because I’m a man, there’s no need to ask me what I`m thinking about. The answer is always ‘sex’, ‘cars’ or ‘sport’. Because I’m a man, I don’t want to visit your mother or have her come visit us or talk to her when she calls or think about her any more than I have to. Whatever you got her for Mother`s Day is OK - I don`t need to see it. And don`t forget to pick up something for my mother too. Because I’m a man, you don`t have to ask me if I liked the movie. If you`re crying at the end of it, chances are I didn`t. And if you’re feeling amorous afterwards, then I’ll certainly remember the name and recommend it to others. Because I’m a man, I think what you`re wearing is fine. I thought what you were wearing 5 minutes ago was also fine. Either pair of shoes is fine. With or without the belt, it looks fine. Your hair is fine. You look fine. Can we just go now? Because I’m a man, and this is the year 2005, I will share equally in the housework. You just do the laundry, the cooking, the cleaning, the vacuuming and the dishes. I`ll do the rest, like looking for my socks.

Jon left for a two day business trip to Chicago. He was only a few blocks away from his house when he realized he'd left his plane ticket on top of his dresser. He turned around and headed back to the house. He quietly entered the door, walked into the kitchen. He saw his wife washing the breakfast dishes, wearing her skimpiest negligee. She looked so good that he tiptoed up behind her, reached out, and squeezed her left tit. "Leave only one quart of milk," she said. "Jon won't be here for breakfast tomorrow."

In the winter of 1990, I was asked to appear on a television talk show in Toronto, Ontario, Canada. At the end of our first day of taping I was on my way back to my plush, high-rise, cable-TV, twenty-four-hour room service hotel, when I saw something I'd never seen before. Lying on the sidewalk against a building in four inches of snow was a man sleeping with only a cardboard blanket to keep him from being completely exposed to the freezing cold. What really broke my heart was when I realized that he wore no shoes or socks. I thought to stop and help him but was not quite sure what to do. As the traffic light turned green, it seemed life was demanding that I move along. So I did. Back in the "anything I wanted was mine" environment of my hotel, I promptly forgot about the man on the street. Several days later, prior to the morning taping, I was having coffee and Danish in the green room at the station. All of the "important" people had left the room and it was just me and the janitor remaining. I had seen him quietly go about his business every day while I was there, and he never said a word except "Good morning" or "Can I get anything for you, sir?" He always had a smile to give to everyone. When I asked him how he was feeling today, he told me that he'd been having to ride his bike to work in the snow and that he'd been feeling rather sorry for himself. . .that is, until he saw a man sleeping down on the corner of Yonge Street and Bloor with just a piece of cardboard for covering from the cold and no shoes. I almost choked on my Danish as I heard him go on to relate how he was so moved with compassion for the man that he went around the corner to a store and bought the man a pair of socks and shoes. As I heard his story, I saw in my mind a poster that used to be in an old friend's bedroom when I was a teenager. It was a picture of a child handing someone a flower and the caption read: "The smallest deed always exceeds the grandest of intentions." I stood there wishing it was me who had bought the shoes and socks for the man, when they called my name to come to the set. As I got to the studio, they were just concluding an interview with a social worker who specialized in benevolence for eastern Ontario. The social worker relayed a story about Mother Teresa, who when asked once how she had accomplished such great things in her life responded, "None of us can do anything great on our own, but we can all do a small thing with great love." When I went home that day, I looked for the man on the street. He was gone, but I knew it wouldn't be long before someone took his place. from Chicken Soup for the Country Soul.

A doctor and his wife were having a big argument at breakfast. "You aren't so good in bed either!" he shouted and stormed off to work. By midmorning, he decided he'd better make amends and phoned home. After many rings, his wife picked up the phone. "What took you so long to answer?" "I was in bed." "What were you doing in bed this late?" "Getting a second opinion."

Why are fried onions like a photocopy machine? They keep repeating themselves.

It was an emotional wedding. Even the cake was in tiers.

Two guys were sitting in a bar getting really drunk. After awhile, just drinking gets boring, so the first guy looks at the second guy and says, "Hey, you want to go up for a ride in my airplane?" The second guy says, "Wow, you have an airplane? Let's go!" So they get some more beer and go for a tour around the city in the plane. Eventually they get bored with this too, so they decide to land. The drunk pilot starts circling around looking for a place to land, and he sees an airstrip close by. He says his new buddy along for the ride, "Let's land here. It looks like it's as good a place as any." So he circles around and goes in for a landing, but at the last minute he swerves and pulls back up. "Shit!" he says, "That is the SHORTEST runway I have ever seen! How is anyone supposed to land on it?" But since it's the only runway nearby, he decides to try again, with the same result. Getting pretty irritated, the pilot says to his friend, "All right, I'm going to try ONE more time, and if I can't land it we're just going to crash and hope we don't die." So they end up crashing, and miraculously neither is hurt. When they crawl out of the wreckage, the first guy is swears and gesticulates wildly at the runway. "I'm gonna find whoever designed this crazy runway and wring his neck! He must be total moron! No one could land on anything that short!" The second guy looks around and says "Yeah, but look how wide it is!"

Sighting #1: I was at the airport, checking in at the gate, when the airport employee asked, "Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?" I said, "If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?" He smiled and nodded knowingly, "That's why we ask." Sighting #2: The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it is safe to cross the street. I was crossing with an intellectually challenged co-worker of mine, when she asked if I knew what the buzzer was for. I explained that it signals to blind people when the light is red. She responded, appalled, "What on earth are blind people doing driving?" Sighting #3: At a good-bye lunch for an old and dear co-worker who is leaving the company due to "rightsizing," our manager spoke up and said, "This is fun. We should have lunch like this more often." Not another word was spoken. We just looked at each other like deer staring into the headlights of an approaching truck. Sighting #4: I worked with an Individual who plugged his power strip back into itself and for the life of him could not understand why his system would not turn on. Sighting #5: : A friend had a brilliant idea for saving disk space. He thought if he put all his Microsoft Word documents into a tiny font they'd take up less room. When he told me, I was with another friend. She thought it was a good idea too. Sighting #6: : Tech Support: "How much free space do you have on your hard drive?" Individual: "Well, my wife likes to get up there on that Internet, and she downloaded ten hours of free space. Is that enough?" Sighting #7: : Individual: "Now what do I do?" Tech Support: "What is the prompt on the screen?" Individual: "It's asking for 'Enter Your Last Name.'" Tech Support: "Okay, so type in your last name." Individual: "How do you spell that?" Sighting # 8: When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up our car, we were told that the keys had been accidentally locked in it. We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver's side door. As I watched from the passenger's side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered it was open. "Hey," I announced to the technician, "It's open!" "I know," answered the young man. "I already got that side."

Bubba was bragging to his boss one day, "You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them." Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, "OK, Bubba how about Tom Cruise?" "Sure, yes, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it. " So Bubba and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise's door, and sure enough, Tom Cruise, shouts, "Bubba! Great to see you! You and your friend come right in and join me for lunch!" Although impressed, Bubba's boss is still skeptical. After they leave Cruise's house, he tells Bubba that he thinks Bubba's knowing Cruise was just lucky. "No, no, just name anyone else," Bubba says. "President Clinton," his boss quickly retorts. "Yes," Bubba says, "I know him, let's fly out to Washington." And off they go. At the White House, Clinton spots Bubba on the tour and motions him and his boss over, saying, "Bubba, what a surprise, I was just on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in and let's have a cup of coffee first and catch up." Well, the boss is very shaken by now, but still not totally convinced. After they leave the White house grounds, he expresses his doubts to Bubba, who again implores him to name anyone else. "The Pope," his boss replies. "Sure!" says Bubba. "My folks are from Poland, and I've known the Pope a long time." So off they fly to Rome. Bubba and his boss are assembled with the masses in Vatican Square when Bubba says, "This will never work. I can't catch the Pope's eye among all these people. Tell you what, I know all the guards so let me just go upstairs and I'll come out on the balcony with the Pope." And he disappears into the crowd headed toward the Vatican. Sure enough, half an hour later Bubba emerges with the Pope on the balcony. But by the time Bubba returns, he finds that his boss has had a heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics. Working his way to his boss' side, Bubba asks him, "What happened?" His boss looks up and says, "I was doing fine until you and the Pope came out on the balcony and the man next to me said, "Who's that on the balcony with Bubba?"

Chuck Norris doesn't use a microwave to pop his popcorn. He simply sits the package on the counter and the kernals jump in fear of a round house kick.

John invited his mother over for dinner. During the meal, his mother couldn't help noticing how attractive and shapely the housekeeper was. Over the course of the evening, she started to wonder if there was more between John and the housekeeper than met the eye. Reading his mom's thoughts, John volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, my relationship with my housekeeper is purely professional." About a week later, the housekeeper came to John and said, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. You don't suppose she took it, do you?" John said, "Well, I doubt it, but I'll write her a letter just to be sure." So he sat down and wrote: "Dear Mother, I'm not saying you 'did' take a gravy ladle from my house, and I'm not saying you 'did not' take a gravy ladle. But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner." Several days later, John received a letter back from his mother: Dear Son, I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with your housekeeper, and I'm not saying that you 'do not' sleep with your housekeeper. But the fact remains that if you were sleeping in your own bed, you would have found the gravy ladle by now." Love, Mom.

Chinese Torture A young man is wandering and lost in a forest when he comes upon a small house. Knocking on the door, he is greeted by an ancient Chinese man with a long gray beard. "I`m lost," said the young man. "Can you put me up for the night?" "Certainly," the Chinese man said, "but on one condition. If you lay a finger on my daughter, I will inflict upon you the three worst Chinese tortures known to man." "OK," said the man, thinking that the daughter must be pretty old, and entered the house. During dinner, the daughter came down the stairs. She was young, beautiful, and had a fantastic body. She was obviously attracted to the young man as she couldn`t keep her eyes off him during the meal. Remembering the old man`s warning, he ignored her and went up to bed alone. During the night, he could bear it no longer and snuck into her room for a night of passion. He was careful to keep everything quiet, so the old man wouldn`t hear. Near dawn, he crept back to his room, exhausted but happy. He woke to feel a pressure on his chest. Opening his eyes, he saw a large rock on his chest with a note on it that read, "Chinese Torture 1: Large rock on chest." "Well, that`s pretty crappy," he thought."If that`s the best the old man can do, then I don`t have much to worry about." He picked the boulder up, walked over to the window, and threw the boulder out. As he did so, he noticed another note on it that read, "Chinese Torture 2: Rock tied to left testicle." In a panic he glanced down and saw the rope that was already getting close to taut. Figuring that a few broken bones was better than castration, he jumped out of the window after the boulder. As he plummeted towards the ground, he saw a large sign on the ground that read, "Chinese Torture 3: Right testicle tied to bed post." By Jamie Dugdale.

Chuck Norris went to burger king and got an egg McMuffin sandwich at 4pm.

I spilled spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone. I saw a bank that said '24 Hour Banking', but I don't have that much time. I went down the street to the 24-hour grocery. When I got there, the guy was locking the front door. I said, 'Hey, the sign says you're open 24 hours.' He said, 'Yes, but not in a row.' I invented the cordless extension cord. I bought some used paint. It was in the shape of a house. Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. I think I've forgotten this before. It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to have to paint it. A friend of mine once sent me a post card with a picture of the entire planet Earth taken from space. On the back it said, 'Wish you were here.' I have a full-size map of the world. At the bottom it says '1 inch = 1 inch'. I hardly ever unroll it. My friend has a baby. I'm recording all the noises he makes so later I can ask him what he meant. Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time. Yesterday I parked my car in a tow-away zone when I came back the entire area was missing. There was a power outage at a department store yesterday; twenty people were trapped on the escalators. I worked in a health food store once. A guy came in and asked me, 'If I melt dry ice, can I take a bath without getting wet?' When I get real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great parking spot, then sit in my car and count how many people ask me if I'm leaving. I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the place. There's a fine line between fishing and standing on the shore looking like an idiot. I like to paint passing lines on curved roads. I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done. I bought some batteries, but they weren't included, so I had to buy them again. I saw a close friend of mine the other day. He said 'Stephen, why haven't you called me?' I said, 'I can't call everyone I want. My phone has no 'five' on it.' He said, 'How long have you had it?' I said, 'I don't know, my calendar has no 'seven's on it.' I saw a man with a wooden leg, and a real foot. I replaced the headlights on my car with strobe lights. Now it looks like I'm the only one moving. I wrote a song, but I can't read music. Every time I hear a new song on the radio I think 'Hey, maybe I wrote that.' I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography. I got my driver's license photo taken out of focus on purpose. Now when I get pulled over the cop looks at it and says 'Here, you can go.' I put instant coffee in a microwave, and almost went back in time. I just bought a microwave fireplace. You can spend an evening in front of it in only eight minutes. Women. Can't live with 'em, can't shoot 'em. I was going to tape some records onto a cassette, but I got the wires backwards. I erased the all of the records. When I returned them to my friend, he said, 'Hey, these records are all blank.' I filled out an application that said 'In Case Of Emergency Notify:' I wrote 'Doctor.' I bought some powdered water, but I didn't know what to add. If you take an Oriental and turn him around so he faces west, does he become disoriented? One day I got on the usual bus, and when I stepped in, I saw the most gorgeous blonde Chinese girl. I sat beside her. I said, 'Hi,' and she said, 'Hi,' and then I said, 'Nice day, isn't it?' and she said, 'I saw my analyst today and he says I have a problem.' So I asked, 'What's the problem?' She replied, 'I can't tell you. I don't even know you.' I said, 'Well sometimes it's good to tell your problems to a perfect stranger on a bus.' So she said, 'Well, my analyst said I'm a nymphomaniac and I only like Jewish cowboys. By the way, my name is Denise.' I said, 'Hello, Denise. I'm Bucky Goldstein.' Ever notice how irons have a setting for PERMANENT press? I don't get it. I Xeroxed a mirror. Now I have an extra Xerox machine. Sponges grow in the ocean. That just kills me. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be if that didn't happen. After they make Styrofoam, what do they ship it in? You know that feeling when you lean back too far on a stool and catch yourself just before you fall backwards? I feel like that all the time.

The joker One evening, Moshe and his partner Abe were having dinner together to celebrate a recent business deal. They were having a great time when suddenly Moshe began to find it hard to breathe. He said, "Abe, help me, I tink I hev svallowed a bone." "Are you choking, Moshe?" said Abe. "No, dem it - I’m being serious."

Three Pastors from the south were having lunch in a diner. One said, "Ya know, since summer started I've been having trouble with bats in my loft and attic at church. I've tried everything-noise, spray, cats-nothing seems to scare them away. Another said, "Yea, me too. I've got hundreds living in my belfry and in the attic. I've even had the place fumigated, and they won't go away." The third said, "I baptized all mine, and made them members of the church... Haven't seen one back since!"

A man and wife were eating in a very exclusive restaurant when a gorgeous woman came up to the table, put her arm around the man and gave him a kiss , and said 'I'll see you later.' The wife said 'Who is that?' to which he replied 'That's my mistress. The wife then said 'I want a divorce, because that is just too much.' He replied that it was up to her, but pointed out that there would no longer be a Lexus in the garage, shopping in Paris or skiing in Gstaad. Just then one of their friends came in to the restaurant with a gorgeous woman on his arm. The wife asked 'Who's that with Bob? and her husband replied 'Oh, that's his mistress.' The wife looked again and said 'Ours is prettier '.