Q: What do you call a wiener dog at the beach? A: A hot dog!

What do you call a bull that runs into a threshing machine? Hamburger!

What`s your name? That`s a beautiful name. Can I ask you one single, impulsive question? Are you in love at the present moment? I`m not the type of guy to impede on another man`s happiness but if the answer is "No" I`d like to continue with my rhapsody. Has anybody ever told you that you glide? It`s a very special quality, every other girl in this place merely plods along but you glide, girls who glide need guys who make them "thump." You think about him, you can`t eat, you can`t sleep, you watch the phone waiting for it to ring. Girls who glide need guys who make them "thump," I can make you "thump." Have dinner with me.

A hotdog walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender replies, "Sorry, we don't serve food here".

A beautiful woman loved growing tomatoes, but couldn't seem to get her tomatoes to turn red. One day, while taking a stroll, she came upon a gentleman neighbor who had the most beautiful garden full of huge red tomatoes. The woman asked the gentlemen,"What do you do to get your tomatoes so red?" The gentlemen responded, "Well, twice a day I stand in front of my tomato garden naked in my trench coat and flash them. My tomatoes turn red from blushing so much." Well, the woman was so impressed; she decided to try doing the same thing to her tomato garden to see if it would work. So twice a day for two weeks she flashed her garden hoping for the best. One day the gentleman was passing by and asked the woman, "By the way, how did you make out? Did your tomatoes turn red?" "No", she replied, "but my cucumbers are enormous."

"Look at me." an elderly Yuppie boasted to his guests at his birthday bash. "I've aged like a fine old carefully stored wine." "I certainly have to agree with that." piped-up his obviously long suffering wife. "Henry's cork's been stationary for years."

You know you are addicted to coffee if ... You short out motion detectors.

Reminiscing Ruth, Hetty and Naomi, all three in their 80s, are sitting together in their retirement home reminiscing about the good old days. Ruth says, "I remember when I used to be able to buy lovely big cucumbers at the greengrocers for no more than 1p each. They were giants , not like the little cucumbers on sale today." Hetty then says, "Well I remember the giant onions I used to be able to buy for ½ p each. Every week, I always bought two of them (and she demonstrates the size of the two onions with her hands as she talks) for my chicken soup." Naomi, who has been sitting quietly listening to Ruth and Hetty, then says, "I couldn’t hear a word either of you were saying, but I remember the guy you were talking about."

Someone, somewhere said these [My thanks to Stan C for the following] Food has replaced sex in my life. Now I can`t even get into my own pants. Marriage changes passion. Suddenly you`re in bed with a relative. I saw a woman wearing a T-shirt with "Guess" on it. So I said "Implants?" She hit me. I don`t do drugs. I get the same effect just standing up fast. I live in my own little world. But it`s OK, they know me here. If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal? I love being married. It`s great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life. I’m a nobody and nobody is perfect. Therefore, I am perfect. Everyday I beat my own previous record for the number of consecutive days I`ve stayed alive. Isn`t having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing section in a swimming pool? Why is it that most nudists are people you don`t want to see naked? Snowmen fall from Heaven unassembled.

An Blonde calls her boyfriend and says, "Please come over here and help me, I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get it started." Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished? The girl says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a tiger." Her boyfriend decides to go over and help her with the puzzle. She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzles spread all over the table. He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box. He turns to her and says, "First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a tiger. Second, I'd advise you to relax. Let's have a cup of coffee, then put all these Frosties back in the box."

The newly married man came home from work to find his new bride stretched languorously on the sofa, dressed in a negligee. "Guess what I got planned for dinner?" she asked seductively. "And don't you dare tell me you had it for lunch today."

One day, little Billy comes home from kindergarten for lunch. Not finding his mother in the kitchen, or the living room, he heads upstairs to check her bedroom. He opens the door, and what does he see, but his father, who had also come home for lunch, stripped naked, on top of his mother, also naked, heavily into the act of lovemaking. Not wanting to traumatize the boy, the parents continue as if nothing was wrong. Billy watches, and after a couple of minutes asks,"Daddy, can I climb on and have a horsie ride?" "Of course, Son, we're a family." So Billy climbs on and after a few more minutes his mother starts moaning and writhing wildly. "Hang on Dad!", cries Billy, "this is where me and the mailman usually falls off!"

Moshe was eating in a Chinese restaurant and was chatting to his Chinese waiter.Moshe commented upon what a wise people the Chinese were."Yes," replied the waiter, "we`re wise because our culture is 4,000 years old. But Jewish people are also very wise, are they not?"Moshe replied, "Yes, we are. Our culture is 5,000 years old."The waiter was surprised to hear this. "That can`t be true," he replied, "where did your people eat for a thousand years?"

Chuck Norris puts the "hurt" in yoghurt.

Chuck Norris can down a 30 pack in one sip. But beers for pussies he only drinks whisky... which he chases with whisky.

A travelling salesman was passing through a small town in the West when he saw a little old man sitting in a rocking chair on the stoop of his house. The little old man looked so contented that the salesman couldn't resist going over and talking to him. "You look as if you don't have a care in the world," the salesman told him. "What is your formula for a long and happy life?" "Well," replied the little old man, "I smoke six packs of cigarettes a day, I drink a quart of bourbon every four hours and six cases of beer a week. I never wash and I go out every night." "My goodness," exclaimed the salesman, "that's just great! How old are you?" "Twenty-five," was the reply.

What do snowmen eat for lunch? Icebergers!

Yo momma is so fat that the only exercise she gets is when she chases the ice cream truck.

It will be a mitzvah! One day, as Judith is reaching inside her fridge for something for dinner, she notices a plastic-wrapped chicken right at the back, on the bottom shelf. She removes it from the fridge and she’s not happy with what she sees. This is a chicken she bought many weeks ago and has forgotten about. It’s looking very ragged and unappetising - even a bit smelly. But just as she`s about to throw it in the bin, her husband Harry stops her. "Don’t do that," says Harry. "Our neighbour Bernie has been out of work for months and he and his family probably haven’t had a roast chicken meal for ages. I think you should give him the chicken." "But it`s no good, it’s probably gone off," says Judith. "It doesn`t matter," says Harry, "just do it. It will be a mitzvah!" So Judith gives the chicken to her next door neighbour. But then, two days later, they learn that Bernie is terribly sick and has been taken to the local hospital. "We must go to the hospital right away," says Harry, "and pay Bernie a visit – it will be a mitzvah!" The day following their visit, they learn that Bernie has died. "Oy gevalt," cries Judith, "what on earth shall we do, Harry?" "What shall we do?" Harry replies, "We shall go to Bernie’s levoyah, that’s what. It will be a mitzvah!" Two days after attending Bernie’s levoyah, Harry says, "Judith, we`ve got to pay a visit to Bernie’s family while they’re sitting shivah. It will be a mitzvah!" So Judith and Bernie go next door to join the family in prayers for the loss of their husband and father. By the time they return home, Judith is crying. "Harry," she sobs, "don’t you think it was wrong of us to give Bernie that old chicken?" "You must be joking, Judith," replies Harry. "From that one old chicken, we got ourselves four mitzvahs!" levoyah: funeral shivah: 7 day period of mourning mitzvah: good deed.

While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly shut-ins, I often take my four-year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds. She was unfailingly intrigued by the various appliances of old age, particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs. One day I found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered, "The tooth fairy will never believe this!"