By Robert Kirby, February 10, 2000 If you are a man, chances are you have forgotten that Thursday is Valentine's Day. Now that you know, this seems a good time to pause for a large hysterical fit. The angst you are feeling right now stems from a complete lack of understanding about what makes a woman feel romantic. I don't know either, but I did look it up on the Internet. Not counting about 5,000 Web sites that seem to correlate the word "romance" with "hot mamas," here's what I found out. HOW TO ROMANCE A WOMAN: Call her. Hug her. Compliment her. Smile at her. Laugh with her. Cry with her. Cuddle with her. Shop with her. Give her jewelry and flowers. Hold her hand. Write love letters to her. Go to the end of the Earth and back again for her. Conversely, if a woman wants to romance a man, she would only need to show up wearing anything remotely revealing, including a hazardous-material suit. This may sound like an oversimplification of gender romance differences, but it isn't far from reality. It's always Valentine's Day for men, if you get my drift. Women need a special day. Because it involves a woman's feelings, Valentine's Day is something of a mystery to men. So is the top of a box of Cheeze Doodles, but we'll save that for another column. The following is a basic guide to Valentine's Day survival for men, which was faxed to me by the nice ladies down at "Romance Anonymous," formerly known as "Men Are Pigs But We Can't Kill Them." STEP ONE: The minimum requirement is to let the woman know that you care. The least expensive way is to look at her -- preferably somewhere on her face -- and say, "I love you, ." If you forget her name, don't bother with the rest of the steps. You're dead. STEP TWO: A Valentine card is an acceptable nonverbal token of appreciation. Best of all, it's cheap. Good Valentines are pink with lots of lace and have cute words such as "I'll love my sugar bunny forever and ever and ever and ... " Bad Valentine cards say, "Good for one free quart of motor oil." STEP THREE: Candy. For some scientific reason that makes no sense, women regard chocolate the same way men view beer. While a handful of M&Ms is OK, women tend to expect something a bit nicer. Wrapped for starters. By the way, since the candy is supposed to be for her, she's going to notice any test bites. Stay out of it. STEP FOUR: Jewelry. A bit pricier, especially if you didn't bother with steps 1-3. If you did, you might get by with a small but hideously expensive ring, necklace, or tiara. Keep in mind that most women, even in Utah, do not consider aluminum, tin or a Mylar balloon to be a precious metal. STEP FIVE: Lingerie. Be careful. Few men are smart enough about women to figure out their underwear. Not only does it have to be the right size and caliber, it must also match any of the approximately 8 billion feelings she currently has about herself. To be safe, tell the clerk that you're looking for something that can't be used to strangle you in your sleep. STEP SIX: Romantic getaways are good for couples with more than 0.002 kids. Studies prove that not even bacteria can reproduce when a toddler is beating on the bedroom door with a Fisher-Price toy. Depending on the size of your family, the romantic getaway may have to cross at least three international boundaries. STEP SEVEN: Unlike men, women give points for trying. So do something. Anything is better than nothing. If you don't believe me, I can show you last year's knot on the back of my head.

Waiter, there is a spider drowning in my soup! It hardly looks deep enough to drown in sir!

A wino dug around through all his pockets and produced $5.00. He went to the corner market, laid out the cash and asked for as much cheap wine as he could get. The clerk handed him 2 bottles and the wino departed. He went down the alley, downed both bottles, and passed out. A little while later a homosexual, depressed from a night of rejection, wandered down the same alley. He saw the wino, thought about it, and decided he would have his way after all. However, upon finishing the deed, he felt really guilty. He checked and only had $10.00, so he put it in the wino's coat. The next night, the wino discovers the $10.00, walks into the corner store and asks for as much wine as her could get. The clerk hand over 4 bottles which the wino then takes down the alley, consumes, and passes out. Sure enough, the same homosexual passes through the alley. This time, however, he is with 9 of his gay friends. Upon seeing the wino, he confesses the previous night's deed. His friends are intrigued, so as a group, they take their turns with the wino. And like the night before, each one leaves $10.00 for the wino. The next day the wino finds the $100.00 and goes into the corner store. He asks the clerk for 2 bottles of the nicest wine that his $100.00 could get him. The astonished clerk replies that for $100.00, he could get 40 bottles of the cheap stuff. The wino demands finer wine, explaining that the 'cheap stuff' was really tearing his ass up.

First cannibal: Come and have dinner in our but tonight. Second cannibal: What are you having? First cannibal: Hard-boiled legs.

Did you hear about the skeleton that walked into a bar and ordered a beer and a mop?

The poor tailor [My thanks to Ronda Hegeman for the following joke] Abe was a poor tailor whose shop was next door a 2star Michelin restaurant. Every day for lunch, Abe would eat his black bread and herring in the small garden at the back of his shop. He would always smell the wonderful odours emanating from the next door restaurant`s kitchen. One day, the restaurant sent Abe an invoice. Abe went to see the manager to ask why. The manager replied, "You’re enjoying my food, so you should pay for it." Abe refused to pay and the restaurant sued him. At the hearing, the judge asked the restaurant to present their side of the story. They said, "Every day, this man comes and sits near our kitchen and visibly smells our food whilst eating his. We are obviously adding value to his cheap food and we deserve to be recompensed for it." The judge then asked Abe, "And what do you have to say about that?" Abe said nothing but stuck his hand in his pocket and rattled around the coins he had inside. The judge asked him, "What’s the meaning of that?" Abe replied, "I am paying for the smell of his food with the sound of my money."

Three women: one engaged, one married, and one a mistress, are chatting about their relationships and decide to amaze their men...that night all three will wear a black leather bra, stiletto's and a mask over their eyes. After a few days they meet again... The engaged girlfriend: "The other night, when my boyfriend came back home, he found me with the leather bodice, 12 cms stilettos and mask. He saw me and said: "you are the woman of my life, I love you"...then we made love all night long. The mistress: Ah! Me, too. The other night I met my lover in the office and I was wearing the leather bodice, mega stilettos, mask over my eyes and a raincoat, when I opened the raincoat... he did not say anything...but we had wild sex all night. The married one: "the other night I sent the kids to stay at my mothers for the night, I got myself ready-- leather bodice, super stilettos and mask over my eyes. My husband comes back from work, opens the door and says: "Hi, Batman! What's for dinner?"

What is your dog's favorite breakfast? Pooched eggs!

True or False?1. Apples, not caffeine, are more efficient at waking you up in the morning.2. Alfred Hitchcock did not have a bellybutton.3. A pack-a-day smoker will lose approximately 2 teeth every 10 yrs.4. People do not get sick from cold weather; it`s from being indoors a lot more.5. When you sneeze, all bodily functions stop, even your heart!6. Only 7 per cent of the population are lefties.7. 40 people are sent to the hospital for dog bites every minute.8. Babies are born without knee caps. They don`t appear until they are 2-6 years old.9. The average person over fifty will have spent 5 years waiting in lines.10. The toothbrush was invented in 1498.11. The average housefly lives for one month.12. 40,000 Americans are injured by toilets each year.13. A coat hanger is 44 inches long when straightened.14. The average computer user blinks 7 times a minute.15. Your feet are bigger in the afternoon than the rest of the day.16. Most of us have eaten a spider in our sleep.17. The REAL reason an ostrich sticks its head in the sand is to search for water.18. The only 2 animals that can see behind themselves without turning their heads are the Rabbit and the Parrot.19. John Travolta turned down the starring roles in "An Officer and a Gentleman" and "Tootsie".20. Michael Jackson owns the rights to the South Carolina State anthem.21. In most television commercials advertising milk, a mixture of white paint and a little thinner is used instead of real milk.22. Prince Charles and Prince William NEVER travel on the same airplane, just in case there is a crash.23. The first Harley Davidson motorcycle built in 1903 used a tomato can for a carburetor.24. Most hospitals make money by selling the umbilical cords cut from women who give birth. They are reused in vein transplant surgery.25. Humphrey Bogart was related to Princess Diana. They were 7th cousins.26. If coloring weren`t added to Coca-Cola, it would be Green.ALL OF THE ABOVE ARE TRUEDon`t you just love number 16?

IMPORTANT NEWS TO ALL GUYS THAT GO OUT TO CLUBS OR BARS Men, be more alert and cautious when getting a drink offer from girl. Good girls out there, please forward this message to your guy friends. Girlfriends, take heed! There is a new drug that is in liquid form. The drug is now being used by female sexual predators at parties to induce their male victims to have sex with them. The shocking news is that the drug is available virtually anywhere! It goes by the street name "Beer". All girls have to do is buy a "Beer" or two for almost any guy and then simply ask the guy home for no-strings-attached sex. Men are rendered literally helpless against such tactics.

Meyer’s second pet Meyer’s parrot had died and he was lonely once again. He quickly decided that life would be more fun if he had another pet. So Meyer went back to the Golders Green pet store and told the owner that he wanted to buy another pet, but this time a bit more unusual. After some discussion, he finally bought a talking centipede, which came in a little white box to use for his house. Meyer took the box home. He found a good place to put it and decided he would immediately take his new pet to the local pub to have a drink and show it off. He asked the centipede in the box, "Would you like to go to The Leather Bottle with me and have a beer?" But there was no answer from his new pet. This bothered Meyer a bit, but he waited a few minutes and then asked his pet again, "How about going to The Leather Bottle and having a drink with me?" But again, there was no answer from his new friend and pet. So Meyer waited a few minutes more, thinking about the situation. He decided to ask one more time, this time putting his face up against the centipede`s house and shouting, "Hey, you in there! Would you like to go to The Leather Bottle and have a drink with me?" A little voice came out of the box: "I heard you the first time! I`m putting on my shoes."

Which baseball team is currently the favourite with hamburger fans? The Cincinnati Reds -because they're the Big Bread Machine!

THE LAST 10 THINGS A MAN WOULD EVER SAY 10- I think Barry Manilow is one cool mother-fucker! 9- While I'm up, can I get you a beer? 8- I'm absolutely wrong, you must be right! 7- Her tits are just way too big. 6- Sometimes, I just want to be held. 5- That chick on "Murder, She Wrote" gives me a woody. 4- We haven't been to the mall in ages...let's go shopping so I can hold your purse. 3- Sure, I would love to wear a condom. 2- Fuck Monday night football, let's watch "Murphy Brown." 1- I think we are lost, we'd better pull over and ask directions. THE LAST 10 THINGS A WOMEN WOULD EVER SAY 10- Could our relationship be more physical? I'm tired of just being friends. 9- Go ahead and leave the toilet seat up. It's easier for me to douche that way. 8- I think hairy butts are really sexy. 7- Hey, get a whiff of that one! 6- Please don't throw that old T-shirt away...the holes in the armpits are just too cute. 5- This diamond is way too big. 4- I won't even put that thing in my mouth unless I get to swallow. 3- Wow, Bruce, it really is 14 inches. 2- Does this make my butt look too small? 1- I'm wrong, YOU MUST be right!

Two brooms were hanging in the closet and after a while they got to know each other so well, they decided to get married. One broom was, of course, the bride broom. The other the groom broom. The bride broom looked very beautiful in her white dress. The groom broom was handsome and suave in his tuxedo. The wedding was lovely. After the wedding, at the wedding dinner, the bride-broom leaned over and said to the groom-broom "I think I am going to have a little whisk broom!" "IMPOSSIBLE!" said the groom broom. "WE HAVEN'T EVEN SWEPT TOGETHER"

Conversation in a restaurant – part 2 "What would you do if I suddenly died, Maurice?" says Sadie, "Would you marry again?" "No, Sadie, definitely not," replies Maurice. "Why ever not?" says Sadie. "Don`t you like being married?" "You know I do," replies Maurice. "Then why do you say you wouldn`t get married again?" asks Sadie. "OK, Sadie, I was wrong," replies Maurice, trying to end the conversation, "Yes, I would get married again." Sadie then puts on a sad look and continues his ‘interrogation’. "You really would re-marry?" Maurice doesn’t answer this but just groans very quietly. "So would you live with her in … our house?" asks Sadie. "Why not?" replies Maurice, beginning to enjoy himself, "it’s paid for, there’s no outstanding mortgage." "And would you take my photos out of our silver frames and replace them with her photos?" asks Sadie. "Yes, why not," replies Maurice, "that would seem like the correct thing to do." "And would you sleep with her in our marital bed, where we conceived our children?" asks Sadie. "So where else do you think we would sleep?" replies Maurice. "And would she use my golf clubs?" asks Sadie. "Oh no," replies Maurice, "she`s left-handed." Silence fills the air, then …"Oh, sh*t," says Maurice.

A husband, who has six children, begins to call his wife “mother of six” rather than by her first name. The wife, amused at first, chuckles. A few years down the road, the wife has grown tired of this. "Mother of six," he would say, "what’s for dinner tonight? Get me a beer!" She gets very frustrated. Finally, while attending a party with her husband, he jokingly yells out, "Mother of six, I think it's time to go!" The wife immediately shouts back, "I'll be right with you, father of four!"

The efficiency expert concluded his lecture with a note of caution. "You don't want to try these techniques at home." "Why not?" asked someone from the back of the audience. "I watched my wife's routine at breakfast for years," the expert explained. "She made lots of trips to the refrigerator, stove, table and cabinets, often carrying just a single item at a time. 'Hon,' I suggested, 'Why don't you try carrying several things at once?'" The voice from the back asked, "Did it save time?" The expert replied, "Actually, yes. It used to take her 20 minutes to get breakfast ready. Now I do it in seven."

A little boy was lost at a large shopping mall A little boy was lost at a large shopping mall. He approached a uniformed policeman and said, "I've lost my dad!" The cop asked, "What's he like?" The little boy replied, "Beer and women with big boobs."

The following were actually taken from recent classified ads in newspapers: 1 MAN, 7 WOMAN HOT TUB -- $850/offer AMANA WASHER $100. OWNED BY CLEAN BACHELOR WHO SELDOM WASHED. SNOW BLOWER FOR SALE... ONLY USED ON SNOWY DAYS. FREE PUPPIES...PART GERMAN SHEPHERD - PART DOG 2 WIRE MESH BUTCHERING GLOVES: 1 5-finger, 1 3-finger, PAIR: $15 TICKLE ME ELMO, STILL IN BOX, COMES WITH IT'S OWN 1998 MUSTANG, 5L, AUTO, EXCELLENT CONDITION $6800 COWS, CALVES NEVER BRED... ALSO 1 GAY BULL FOR SALE. 83 TOYOTA HUNCHBACK -- $2000 STAR WARS JOB OF THE HUT -- $15 FREE PUPPIES: 1/2 COCKER SPANIEL - 1/2 SNEAKY NEIGHBOR'S DOG FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER. 8 YEARS OLD. UNPLEASANT LITTLE DOG. GERMAN SHEPHERD 85 lbs. NEUTERED. SPEAKS GERMAN. FREE. FULL SIZED MATTRESS. 20 YR WARRANTY. LIKE NEW. SLIGHT URINE SMELL. FREE 1 CAN OF PORK & BEANS WITH PURCHASE OF 3 BR 2 BATH HOME. FOR SALE: LEE MAJORS - $50 NORDIC TRACK $300 HARDLY USED. CALL CHUBBIE BILL'S SEPTIC CLEANING "WE HAUL AMERICAN MADE PRODUCTS" SHAKESPEARE'S PIZZA - FREE CHOPSTICKS HUMMELS - LARGEST SELECTION EVER "IF IT'S IN STOCK, WE HAVE IT!" HARRISBURG POSTAL EMPLOYEES GUN CLUB GEORGIA PEACHES- CALIFORNIA GROWN - 89 cents lb. NICE PARACHUTE: NEVER OPENED - USED ONCE - SLIGHTLY STAINED FREE: FARM KITTENS. READY TO EAT. AMERICAN FLAG - 60 STARS - POLE INCLUDED $100 TIRED OF WORKING FOR ONLY $9.75 PER HOUR? WE OFFER PROFIT SHARING AND FLEXIBLE HOURS. STARTING PAY: $7 - $9 PER HOUR. NOTICE: TO THE PERSON OR PERSONS WHO TOOK THE LARGE PUMPKIN ON HIGHWAY 87 NEAR SOUTHRIDGE STORAGE: PLEASE RETURN THE PUMPKIN AND BE CHECKED. PUMPKIN MAY BE RADIOACTIVE. ALL OTHER PLANTS IN VICINITY ARE DEAD. EXERCISE EQUIPMENT: QUEEN SIZE MATTRESS & BOX SPRINGS-$175. OUR SOFA SEATS THE WHOLE MOB AND IT'S MADE OF 100% ITALIAN LEATHER. JOINING NUDIST COLONY! MUST SELL WASHER & DRYER $300. GROUND BEAST: 99 cents lb. GAS CLOUD CLEARS OUT TACO BELL. OPEN HOUSE - BODY SHAPERS TONING SALON- FREE COFFEE & DONUTS FULLY COOKED BONELESS SMOKED MAN - $2.09 lb.

By Mikki Halpin and Victoria Maat www.thegeekhandbook.com So, your crush on the bass player from Vibrating Sandbox has finally died a whimpering death and you're wondering where to go from here. All the scenester dudes are either dating a series of interchangeable high-school riot grrrls in baby doll dresses and an overdose of manic panic, or permanently shacked up with some bitter old lady who pays all the bills. Which will it be, a wifely prison or a humiliating one night stand? Into this void of potential mates comes a man you may not have considered before, a man of substance, quietude and stability, a cerebral creature with a culture all his own. In short, a geek. Where The Geek Dude Lurks While they are often into alternative music, geek dudes tend not to go to shows too often. Instead you'll find them hanging out with their friends, discussing the latest hardware revolution or perfecting their Bill Gates impressions. You know how some people wear t-shirts with their favorite bands on them, thus showing that they went to certain shows? Well, geek dudes wear t-shirts with the logos of different software companies on them, thus showing that they are up on the latest, um, releases. A small, though convivial, rivalry may be detected here amongst the geek dudes. Try wearing one yourself and see if he strikes up a conversation. Of course the best way to meet a geek dude is through the Internet. All geeks harbor a secret fantasy about meeting some girl in cyberspace, carrying on an e-mail romance in which he has the chance to combine an activity he is comfortable with, computing, with one he is very uncomfortable with, socializing. To many geek dudes, cyberdating is just an advanced form of some kind of video game, but they are frustrated by a lack of players. Their lack is your strength. Imprinting You might notice that these men harbor some strange ideas about how the world works and some particularly strange ideas about women. There is a reason for this. Because they've had limited interpersonal experience, geek dudes must look elsewhere for behavior models. Lacking a real world social milieu, geeks often go through a transference stage with such narratives, and try to model their interactions on them. Thus, certain media images and themes come to have an overly cathected, metaphorized reality to them, while the rest of us view such programming as mere entertainment. Case in point, our next topic... The Trek factor If you're not up on your Star Trek, you can forget about getting or keeping a geek dude. And I'm not just talking vintage-era Captain Kirk and Spock either. You've got to be up on your The Next Generation, your Deep Space Nine, your Voyager. Armed with your own knowledge of Federation policies, you can better gauge when and how to act. For extra help in learning how to relate in their own language, check out the Klingon Language Institute. Once You've Nabbed Him Of course, catching that geek guy is only half the battle. Keeping him by your side is another story altogether. I was privileged to speak with Miss Victoria Maat, who not only got herself a geek guy but was also clever enough to marry him just a few short months ago. She interrupted her newlywed bliss to give us a few tips on the care and feeding of a geek man: Geeks are sensitive and caring lovers and husbands. If you can hang with the techno-lifestyle, they make the best mates. They are the most attractive people, not flashy or hunky, but the kind who get cuter and more alluring over time . Definitely give geeks a chance. Geek Cuisine Geeks tend towards packaged, junk foods since they prefer to work and think and aren't all that into cooking for themselves. Make sure that your geek understands that you are not merely a replicator, and provide him with home cooked food. A batch of chocolate chip cookies will let him know that you love him. You do have to monitor your geek for weight gain; however, remember that most of their days are spe.