Is that you? Becky is making love to her ‘toy boy’ when she hears her Bernie’s car coming up the drive. "Hurry," she says to him, "stand in the corner, my husband’s here." Becky quickly rubs baby oil all over him and dusts him with a thick layer of talcum powder. "Don`t move until I tell you to," she whispers to him, "pretend you`re a statue." "What`s this, darling?" says Bernie as he enters the bedroom. "Oh, it`s just a statue," replies Becky. "The Golds next door bought one for their bedroom and when I saw it, I liked it so much, I got one for us too." Nothing more was said, not even when they later go to bed for the night. At 2am, Bernie quietly slips out of bed, goes down to the kitchen and returns with a cold salt beef sandwich on rye and a glass of orange juice. "Here," he whispers to the statue, "eat this. I stood like a shmuck at the Golds for 2 days and nobody even offered me a glass of water."

It is illegal for liquor stores to sell food or grocery stores to sell any alcohol except beer that is at most 3.2% alcohol.

Q: Why did the cookie go to the doctor? A: He was feeling crummy!

Q: Where do you learn how to make ice cream? A: Sundae School.

Waiter, my lunch is talking to me! Well you did ask for a tongue sandwich!

The facelift - 2 Morris decides to have a facelift for his birthday. He spends £5,000 at Bushey hospital and feels really good about the result. But would others see how good he looked? So he thought he would put this to the test. On his way home, he stops off at Brent Cross shopping centre. He first of all goes into Smiths, buys a newspaper and says to the girl behind the cash desk, "I hope you don`t mind me asking, but how old do you think I am?" "About 35," came the reply. "I`m actually 47," Morris says, feeling really happy. Then he goes into Fenwicks for lunch and asks the waitress the same question, to which the reply is, "Oh you look about 29 ". "I am actually 47." This makes him feel really good. In the car park on the way out, Morris meets two elderly ladies and asks them the same question. One of them winks to the other and replies, "I can’t really tell. I am 70 years old and my eyesight is not as good as it used to be. But when I was younger, there was a sure way of telling a man’s age. If you let me put my hand down your trousers for a few minutes, I will certainly be able to tell your exact age." As there was no one around, Morris thought why not and let her slip her hand down his trousers. Five minutes later, the lady says, "OK, it`s done. I now know that you are 47." Stunned, Morris says to her, "That was brilliant. How did you do that? " She replies, giggling, "We were behind you in the Fenwick’s queue."

Now that Uday & Qusay have been eliminated, a lot of their lesser-known family members are coming to the attention of American authorities. Among the brothers are: Sooflay ...the restaurateur Guday... the half-Australian brother Huray... the sports fanatic Begay...the gay brother Kuntay & Kintay...the twins from the African mother Sayhay...the baseball player Ojay...the stalker / murderer Gulay...the singer / entertainer Ebay...the Internet czar Biliray...the country music star Ecksray...the radiologist Puray...the blender factory owner Regay...the half-Jamaican brother Tupay...the one with bad hair And the sisters are: Pusay...the 'loose' 22 yr. old Lattay...the coffee shop owner Bufay...the 300 pound sister Dushay...the clean sister Phayray...the zoo worker in the gorilla house Sapheway...the grocery store owner Ollay...the half-Mexican sister Gudlay...the prostitute.

One Sunday morning Joe burst into the living room and said, "Dad, Mom, I have some great news for you! I am getting married to the most beautiful girl in town. She lives a block away and her name is Susan. After dinner, Joe's dad took him aside, "Son, I have to talk with you.. Your mother and I have been married 30 years. She's a wonderful wife but she has never offered much excitement in the bedroom, so I used to fool around with women a lot. Susan is actually your half-sister, and I'm afraid you can't marry her." Joe was heart-broken. After eight months he eventually started dating girls again. A year later he came home and very proudly announced, "Dianne said yes! We are getting married in June." Again his father insisted on another private conversation and broke the sad news. "Diane is your half-sister too, Joe, I am very sorry about this." Joe was furious! He finally decided to go to his mother with the news. "Dad has done so much harm. I guess I am never going to get married", he complained. "Every time I fall in love, Dad tells me the girl is my half-sister." His mother just shook her head. "Don't pay any attention to what he says, dear. He's not really your father."

At a medical convention, a male doctor and a female doctor start eyeing each other. The male doctor asks her to dinner and she accepts. As they sit down at the restaurant, she excuses herself to go and wash her hands. After dinner, one thing leads to another and they end up in her hotel bedroom. Just as things get hot, the female doctor interrupts and says she has to go and wash her hands. Once she comes back they go for it. After the sex session, she gets up and says she is going to wash her hands. As she comes back the male doctor says, "I bet you are a surgeon". She confirms and asks how he knew. "Easy, you're always washing your hands." She then says, "I bet you're an anesthesiologist." Male doctor: "Wow, how did you guess?" Female doctor: "I didn't feel a thing."

Chuck Norris owns a chain of fast-food restaurants throughout the southwest. They serve nothing but barbecue-flavored ice cream and Hot Pockets.

Q: What do you call a wiener dog at the beach? A: A hot dog!

What do you call a bull that runs into a threshing machine? Hamburger!

What`s your name? That`s a beautiful name. Can I ask you one single, impulsive question? Are you in love at the present moment? I`m not the type of guy to impede on another man`s happiness but if the answer is "No" I`d like to continue with my rhapsody. Has anybody ever told you that you glide? It`s a very special quality, every other girl in this place merely plods along but you glide, girls who glide need guys who make them "thump." You think about him, you can`t eat, you can`t sleep, you watch the phone waiting for it to ring. Girls who glide need guys who make them "thump," I can make you "thump." Have dinner with me.

A hotdog walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender replies, "Sorry, we don't serve food here".

A beautiful woman loved growing tomatoes, but couldn't seem to get her tomatoes to turn red. One day, while taking a stroll, she came upon a gentleman neighbor who had the most beautiful garden full of huge red tomatoes. The woman asked the gentlemen,"What do you do to get your tomatoes so red?" The gentlemen responded, "Well, twice a day I stand in front of my tomato garden naked in my trench coat and flash them. My tomatoes turn red from blushing so much." Well, the woman was so impressed; she decided to try doing the same thing to her tomato garden to see if it would work. So twice a day for two weeks she flashed her garden hoping for the best. One day the gentleman was passing by and asked the woman, "By the way, how did you make out? Did your tomatoes turn red?" "No", she replied, "but my cucumbers are enormous."

"Look at me." an elderly Yuppie boasted to his guests at his birthday bash. "I've aged like a fine old carefully stored wine." "I certainly have to agree with that." piped-up his obviously long suffering wife. "Henry's cork's been stationary for years."

You know you are addicted to coffee if ... You short out motion detectors.

Reminiscing Ruth, Hetty and Naomi, all three in their 80s, are sitting together in their retirement home reminiscing about the good old days. Ruth says, "I remember when I used to be able to buy lovely big cucumbers at the greengrocers for no more than 1p each. They were giants , not like the little cucumbers on sale today." Hetty then says, "Well I remember the giant onions I used to be able to buy for ½ p each. Every week, I always bought two of them (and she demonstrates the size of the two onions with her hands as she talks) for my chicken soup." Naomi, who has been sitting quietly listening to Ruth and Hetty, then says, "I couldn’t hear a word either of you were saying, but I remember the guy you were talking about."

Someone, somewhere said these [My thanks to Stan C for the following] Food has replaced sex in my life. Now I can`t even get into my own pants. Marriage changes passion. Suddenly you`re in bed with a relative. I saw a woman wearing a T-shirt with "Guess" on it. So I said "Implants?" She hit me. I don`t do drugs. I get the same effect just standing up fast. I live in my own little world. But it`s OK, they know me here. If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal? I love being married. It`s great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life. I’m a nobody and nobody is perfect. Therefore, I am perfect. Everyday I beat my own previous record for the number of consecutive days I`ve stayed alive. Isn`t having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing section in a swimming pool? Why is it that most nudists are people you don`t want to see naked? Snowmen fall from Heaven unassembled.

An Blonde calls her boyfriend and says, "Please come over here and help me, I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get it started." Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished? The girl says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a tiger." Her boyfriend decides to go over and help her with the puzzle. She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzles spread all over the table. He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box. He turns to her and says, "First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a tiger. Second, I'd advise you to relax. Let's have a cup of coffee, then put all these Frosties back in the box."