I spilled spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone. I saw a bank that said '24 Hour Banking', but I don't have that much time. I went down the street to the 24-hour grocery. When I got there, the guy was locking the front door. I said, 'Hey, the sign says you're open 24 hours.' He said, 'Yes, but not in a row.' I invented the cordless extension cord. I bought some used paint. It was in the shape of a house. Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. I think I've forgotten this before. It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to have to paint it. A friend of mine once sent me a post card with a picture of the entire planet Earth taken from space. On the back it said, 'Wish you were here.' I have a full-size map of the world. At the bottom it says '1 inch = 1 inch'. I hardly ever unroll it. My friend has a baby. I'm recording all the noises he makes so later I can ask him what he meant. Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time. Yesterday I parked my car in a tow-away zone when I came back the entire area was missing. There was a power outage at a department store yesterday; twenty people were trapped on the escalators. I worked in a health food store once. A guy came in and asked me, 'If I melt dry ice, can I take a bath without getting wet?' When I get real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great parking spot, then sit in my car and count how many people ask me if I'm leaving. I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the place. There's a fine line between fishing and standing on the shore looking like an idiot. I like to paint passing lines on curved roads. I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done. I bought some batteries, but they weren't included, so I had to buy them again. I saw a close friend of mine the other day. He said 'Stephen, why haven't you called me?' I said, 'I can't call everyone I want. My phone has no 'five' on it.' He said, 'How long have you had it?' I said, 'I don't know, my calendar has no 'seven's on it.' I saw a man with a wooden leg, and a real foot. I replaced the headlights on my car with strobe lights. Now it looks like I'm the only one moving. I wrote a song, but I can't read music. Every time I hear a new song on the radio I think 'Hey, maybe I wrote that.' I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography. I got my driver's license photo taken out of focus on purpose. Now when I get pulled over the cop looks at it and says 'Here, you can go.' I put instant coffee in a microwave, and almost went back in time. I just bought a microwave fireplace. You can spend an evening in front of it in only eight minutes. Women. Can't live with 'em, can't shoot 'em. I was going to tape some records onto a cassette, but I got the wires backwards. I erased the all of the records. When I returned them to my friend, he said, 'Hey, these records are all blank.' I filled out an application that said 'In Case Of Emergency Notify:' I wrote 'Doctor.' I bought some powdered water, but I didn't know what to add. If you take an Oriental and turn him around so he faces west, does he become disoriented? One day I got on the usual bus, and when I stepped in, I saw the most gorgeous blonde Chinese girl. I sat beside her. I said, 'Hi,' and she said, 'Hi,' and then I said, 'Nice day, isn't it?' and she said, 'I saw my analyst today and he says I have a problem.' So I asked, 'What's the problem?' She replied, 'I can't tell you. I don't even know you.' I said, 'Well sometimes it's good to tell your problems to a perfect stranger on a bus.' So she said, 'Well, my analyst said I'm a nymphomaniac and I only like Jewish cowboys. By the way, my name is Denise.' I said, 'Hello, Denise. I'm Bucky Goldstein.' Ever notice how irons have a setting for PERMANENT press? I don't get it. I Xeroxed a mirror. Now I have an extra Xerox machine. Sponges grow in the ocean. That just kills me. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be if that didn't happen. After they make Styrofoam, what do they ship it in? You know that feeling when you lean back too far on a stool and catch yourself just before you fall backwards? I feel like that all the time.

The joker One evening, Moshe and his partner Abe were having dinner together to celebrate a recent business deal. They were having a great time when suddenly Moshe began to find it hard to breathe. He said, "Abe, help me, I tink I hev svallowed a bone." "Are you choking, Moshe?" said Abe. "No, dem it - I’m being serious."

Three Pastors from the south were having lunch in a diner. One said, "Ya know, since summer started I've been having trouble with bats in my loft and attic at church. I've tried everything-noise, spray, cats-nothing seems to scare them away. Another said, "Yea, me too. I've got hundreds living in my belfry and in the attic. I've even had the place fumigated, and they won't go away." The third said, "I baptized all mine, and made them members of the church... Haven't seen one back since!"

A man and wife were eating in a very exclusive restaurant when a gorgeous woman came up to the table, put her arm around the man and gave him a kiss , and said 'I'll see you later.' The wife said 'Who is that?' to which he replied 'That's my mistress. The wife then said 'I want a divorce, because that is just too much.' He replied that it was up to her, but pointed out that there would no longer be a Lexus in the garage, shopping in Paris or skiing in Gstaad. Just then one of their friends came in to the restaurant with a gorgeous woman on his arm. The wife asked 'Who's that with Bob? and her husband replied 'Oh, that's his mistress.' The wife looked again and said 'Ours is prettier '.

One Sunday in a Midwest city a young child was "acting up" during the morning worship hour. The parents did their best to maintain some sense of order in the pew but were losing the battle. Finally the father picked the little fellow up and walked sternly up the aisle on his way out. Just before reaching the safety of the foyer the little one called loudly to the congregation, "Pray for me! Pray for me!" A daddy was listening to his child say his prayer "Dear Harold". At this, dad interrupted and said, "Wait a minute -how come you called God 'Harold'"? The little boy looked up and said, "That's what they call Him in church. You know the prayer we say, "Our Father, who art in Heaven, Harold be Thy Name." And this particular four-year-old prayed: "And forgive us our trash baskets as we forgive those who put trash in our baskets." During the minister's prayer one Sunday, there was a loud whistle from one of the back pews. Gary's mother was horrified. She pinched him into silence, and after church asked: "Gary, whatever made you do such a thing?" Gary answered soberly: "I asked God to teach me to whistle... and He just then did!" One night Mike's parents overheard this prayer: "Now I lay me down to rest, and hope to pass tomorrow's test, If I should die before I wake, that's one less test I have to take." A five-year-old said grace at family dinner one night. "Dear God, thank you for these pancakes..." When he concluded, his parents asked him why he thanked God for pancakes when they were having chicken. He smiled and said, "I thought I'd see if He was paying attention tonight." A little boy's prayer: "Dear God, please take care of my daddy and my mommy and my sister and my brother and my doggy and me. Oh, please take care of yourself, God. If anything happens to you, we're gonna be in a big mess." A rabbi said to a precocious six-year-old boy: "So your mother says your prayers for you each night Very commendable. What does she say?" The little boy replied, "Thank God he's in bed!". A woman invited some people to dinner. At the table, she turned to her six- year-old daughter and said, "Would you like to say the blessing?". "I wouldn't know what to say," the little girl replied. "Just say what you hear Mommy say," the mother said. The little girl bowed her head and said, "Dear Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner?" Johnny had been misbehaving and was sent to his room. After a while he emerged and informed his mother that he had thought it over and then said a prayer. "Fine", said the pleased mother. "If you ask God to help you not misbehave, He will help you." "Oh, I didn't ask Him to help me not misbehave," said Johnny. "I asked Him to help you put up with me."

The following list of phrases and their definitions might help you understand the fuzzy language of science and medicine. These special phrases are also applicable to anyone reading a PhD dissertation or academic paper."IT HAS LONG BEEN KNOWN"...I didn`t look up the original reference."A DEFINITE TREND IS EVIDENT"...These data are practically meaningless."WHILE IT HAS NOT BEEN POSSIBLE TO PROVIDE DEFINITE ANSWERS TO THE QUESTIONS"...An unsuccessful experiment but I still hope to get it published."THREE OF THE SAMPLES WERE CHOSEN FOR DETAILED STUDY"...The other results didn`t make any sense."TYPICAL RESULTS ARE SHOWN"...This is the prettiest graph."THESE RESULTS WILL BE IN A SUBSEQUENT REPORT"...I might get around to this sometime, if pushed/funded."IN MY EXPERIENCE"...Once."IN CASE AFTER CASE"...Twice."IN A SERIES OF CASES"...Thrice."IT IS BELIEVED THAT"...I think."IT IS GENERALLY BELIEVED THAT"...A couple of others think so, too."CORRECT WITHIN AN ORDER OF MAGNITUDE" ...Wrong. Wrong. Wrong."ACCORDING TO STATISTICAL ANALYSIS"...Rumor has it."A STATISTICALLY-ORIENTED PROJECTION OF THE SIGNIFICANCE OF THESE FINDINGS"...A really wild guess."A CAREFUL ANALYSIS OF OBTAINABLE DATA"...Three pages of notes were obliterated when I knocked over a beer glass."IT IS CLEAR THAT MUCH ADDITIONAL WORK WILL BE REQUIRED BEFORE A COMPLETE UNDERSTANDING OF THIS PHENOMENON OCCURS"...I don`t understand it...and I never will."AFTER ADDITIONAL STUDY BY MY COLLEAGUES"...They don`t understand it either."A HIGHLY SIGNIFICANT AREA FOR EXPLORATORY STUDY"...A totally useless topic selected by my committee.

By Robert Kirby, February 10, 2000 If you are a man, chances are you have forgotten that Thursday is Valentine's Day. Now that you know, this seems a good time to pause for a large hysterical fit. The angst you are feeling right now stems from a complete lack of understanding about what makes a woman feel romantic. I don't know either, but I did look it up on the Internet. Not counting about 5,000 Web sites that seem to correlate the word "romance" with "hot mamas," here's what I found out. HOW TO ROMANCE A WOMAN: Call her. Hug her. Compliment her. Smile at her. Laugh with her. Cry with her. Cuddle with her. Shop with her. Give her jewelry and flowers. Hold her hand. Write love letters to her. Go to the end of the Earth and back again for her. Conversely, if a woman wants to romance a man, she would only need to show up wearing anything remotely revealing, including a hazardous-material suit. This may sound like an oversimplification of gender romance differences, but it isn't far from reality. It's always Valentine's Day for men, if you get my drift. Women need a special day. Because it involves a woman's feelings, Valentine's Day is something of a mystery to men. So is the top of a box of Cheeze Doodles, but we'll save that for another column. The following is a basic guide to Valentine's Day survival for men, which was faxed to me by the nice ladies down at "Romance Anonymous," formerly known as "Men Are Pigs But We Can't Kill Them." STEP ONE: The minimum requirement is to let the woman know that you care. The least expensive way is to look at her -- preferably somewhere on her face -- and say, "I love you, ." If you forget her name, don't bother with the rest of the steps. You're dead. STEP TWO: A Valentine card is an acceptable nonverbal token of appreciation. Best of all, it's cheap. Good Valentines are pink with lots of lace and have cute words such as "I'll love my sugar bunny forever and ever and ever and ... " Bad Valentine cards say, "Good for one free quart of motor oil." STEP THREE: Candy. For some scientific reason that makes no sense, women regard chocolate the same way men view beer. While a handful of M&Ms is OK, women tend to expect something a bit nicer. Wrapped for starters. By the way, since the candy is supposed to be for her, she's going to notice any test bites. Stay out of it. STEP FOUR: Jewelry. A bit pricier, especially if you didn't bother with steps 1-3. If you did, you might get by with a small but hideously expensive ring, necklace, or tiara. Keep in mind that most women, even in Utah, do not consider aluminum, tin or a Mylar balloon to be a precious metal. STEP FIVE: Lingerie. Be careful. Few men are smart enough about women to figure out their underwear. Not only does it have to be the right size and caliber, it must also match any of the approximately 8 billion feelings she currently has about herself. To be safe, tell the clerk that you're looking for something that can't be used to strangle you in your sleep. STEP SIX: Romantic getaways are good for couples with more than 0.002 kids. Studies prove that not even bacteria can reproduce when a toddler is beating on the bedroom door with a Fisher-Price toy. Depending on the size of your family, the romantic getaway may have to cross at least three international boundaries. STEP SEVEN: Unlike men, women give points for trying. So do something. Anything is better than nothing. If you don't believe me, I can show you last year's knot on the back of my head.

Waiter, there is a spider drowning in my soup! It hardly looks deep enough to drown in sir!

A wino dug around through all his pockets and produced $5.00. He went to the corner market, laid out the cash and asked for as much cheap wine as he could get. The clerk handed him 2 bottles and the wino departed. He went down the alley, downed both bottles, and passed out. A little while later a homosexual, depressed from a night of rejection, wandered down the same alley. He saw the wino, thought about it, and decided he would have his way after all. However, upon finishing the deed, he felt really guilty. He checked and only had $10.00, so he put it in the wino's coat. The next night, the wino discovers the $10.00, walks into the corner store and asks for as much wine as her could get. The clerk hand over 4 bottles which the wino then takes down the alley, consumes, and passes out. Sure enough, the same homosexual passes through the alley. This time, however, he is with 9 of his gay friends. Upon seeing the wino, he confesses the previous night's deed. His friends are intrigued, so as a group, they take their turns with the wino. And like the night before, each one leaves $10.00 for the wino. The next day the wino finds the $100.00 and goes into the corner store. He asks the clerk for 2 bottles of the nicest wine that his $100.00 could get him. The astonished clerk replies that for $100.00, he could get 40 bottles of the cheap stuff. The wino demands finer wine, explaining that the 'cheap stuff' was really tearing his ass up.

First cannibal: Come and have dinner in our but tonight. Second cannibal: What are you having? First cannibal: Hard-boiled legs.

Did you hear about the skeleton that walked into a bar and ordered a beer and a mop?

The poor tailor [My thanks to Ronda Hegeman for the following joke] Abe was a poor tailor whose shop was next door a 2star Michelin restaurant. Every day for lunch, Abe would eat his black bread and herring in the small garden at the back of his shop. He would always smell the wonderful odours emanating from the next door restaurant`s kitchen. One day, the restaurant sent Abe an invoice. Abe went to see the manager to ask why. The manager replied, "You’re enjoying my food, so you should pay for it." Abe refused to pay and the restaurant sued him. At the hearing, the judge asked the restaurant to present their side of the story. They said, "Every day, this man comes and sits near our kitchen and visibly smells our food whilst eating his. We are obviously adding value to his cheap food and we deserve to be recompensed for it." The judge then asked Abe, "And what do you have to say about that?" Abe said nothing but stuck his hand in his pocket and rattled around the coins he had inside. The judge asked him, "What’s the meaning of that?" Abe replied, "I am paying for the smell of his food with the sound of my money."

Three women: one engaged, one married, and one a mistress, are chatting about their relationships and decide to amaze their men...that night all three will wear a black leather bra, stiletto's and a mask over their eyes. After a few days they meet again... The engaged girlfriend: "The other night, when my boyfriend came back home, he found me with the leather bodice, 12 cms stilettos and mask. He saw me and said: "you are the woman of my life, I love you"...then we made love all night long. The mistress: Ah! Me, too. The other night I met my lover in the office and I was wearing the leather bodice, mega stilettos, mask over my eyes and a raincoat, when I opened the raincoat... he did not say anything...but we had wild sex all night. The married one: "the other night I sent the kids to stay at my mothers for the night, I got myself ready-- leather bodice, super stilettos and mask over my eyes. My husband comes back from work, opens the door and says: "Hi, Batman! What's for dinner?"

What is your dog's favorite breakfast? Pooched eggs!

True or False?1. Apples, not caffeine, are more efficient at waking you up in the morning.2. Alfred Hitchcock did not have a bellybutton.3. A pack-a-day smoker will lose approximately 2 teeth every 10 yrs.4. People do not get sick from cold weather; it`s from being indoors a lot more.5. When you sneeze, all bodily functions stop, even your heart!6. Only 7 per cent of the population are lefties.7. 40 people are sent to the hospital for dog bites every minute.8. Babies are born without knee caps. They don`t appear until they are 2-6 years old.9. The average person over fifty will have spent 5 years waiting in lines.10. The toothbrush was invented in 1498.11. The average housefly lives for one month.12. 40,000 Americans are injured by toilets each year.13. A coat hanger is 44 inches long when straightened.14. The average computer user blinks 7 times a minute.15. Your feet are bigger in the afternoon than the rest of the day.16. Most of us have eaten a spider in our sleep.17. The REAL reason an ostrich sticks its head in the sand is to search for water.18. The only 2 animals that can see behind themselves without turning their heads are the Rabbit and the Parrot.19. John Travolta turned down the starring roles in "An Officer and a Gentleman" and "Tootsie".20. Michael Jackson owns the rights to the South Carolina State anthem.21. In most television commercials advertising milk, a mixture of white paint and a little thinner is used instead of real milk.22. Prince Charles and Prince William NEVER travel on the same airplane, just in case there is a crash.23. The first Harley Davidson motorcycle built in 1903 used a tomato can for a carburetor.24. Most hospitals make money by selling the umbilical cords cut from women who give birth. They are reused in vein transplant surgery.25. Humphrey Bogart was related to Princess Diana. They were 7th cousins.26. If coloring weren`t added to Coca-Cola, it would be Green.ALL OF THE ABOVE ARE TRUEDon`t you just love number 16?

IMPORTANT NEWS TO ALL GUYS THAT GO OUT TO CLUBS OR BARS Men, be more alert and cautious when getting a drink offer from girl. Good girls out there, please forward this message to your guy friends. Girlfriends, take heed! There is a new drug that is in liquid form. The drug is now being used by female sexual predators at parties to induce their male victims to have sex with them. The shocking news is that the drug is available virtually anywhere! It goes by the street name "Beer". All girls have to do is buy a "Beer" or two for almost any guy and then simply ask the guy home for no-strings-attached sex. Men are rendered literally helpless against such tactics.

Meyer’s second pet Meyer’s parrot had died and he was lonely once again. He quickly decided that life would be more fun if he had another pet. So Meyer went back to the Golders Green pet store and told the owner that he wanted to buy another pet, but this time a bit more unusual. After some discussion, he finally bought a talking centipede, which came in a little white box to use for his house. Meyer took the box home. He found a good place to put it and decided he would immediately take his new pet to the local pub to have a drink and show it off. He asked the centipede in the box, "Would you like to go to The Leather Bottle with me and have a beer?" But there was no answer from his new pet. This bothered Meyer a bit, but he waited a few minutes and then asked his pet again, "How about going to The Leather Bottle and having a drink with me?" But again, there was no answer from his new friend and pet. So Meyer waited a few minutes more, thinking about the situation. He decided to ask one more time, this time putting his face up against the centipede`s house and shouting, "Hey, you in there! Would you like to go to The Leather Bottle and have a drink with me?" A little voice came out of the box: "I heard you the first time! I`m putting on my shoes."

Which baseball team is currently the favourite with hamburger fans? The Cincinnati Reds -because they're the Big Bread Machine!

THE LAST 10 THINGS A MAN WOULD EVER SAY 10- I think Barry Manilow is one cool mother-fucker! 9- While I'm up, can I get you a beer? 8- I'm absolutely wrong, you must be right! 7- Her tits are just way too big. 6- Sometimes, I just want to be held. 5- That chick on "Murder, She Wrote" gives me a woody. 4- We haven't been to the mall in ages...let's go shopping so I can hold your purse. 3- Sure, I would love to wear a condom. 2- Fuck Monday night football, let's watch "Murphy Brown." 1- I think we are lost, we'd better pull over and ask directions. THE LAST 10 THINGS A WOMEN WOULD EVER SAY 10- Could our relationship be more physical? I'm tired of just being friends. 9- Go ahead and leave the toilet seat up. It's easier for me to douche that way. 8- I think hairy butts are really sexy. 7- Hey, get a whiff of that one! 6- Please don't throw that old T-shirt away...the holes in the armpits are just too cute. 5- This diamond is way too big. 4- I won't even put that thing in my mouth unless I get to swallow. 3- Wow, Bruce, it really is 14 inches. 2- Does this make my butt look too small? 1- I'm wrong, YOU MUST be right!

Two brooms were hanging in the closet and after a while they got to know each other so well, they decided to get married. One broom was, of course, the bride broom. The other the groom broom. The bride broom looked very beautiful in her white dress. The groom broom was handsome and suave in his tuxedo. The wedding was lovely. After the wedding, at the wedding dinner, the bride-broom leaned over and said to the groom-broom "I think I am going to have a little whisk broom!" "IMPOSSIBLE!" said the groom broom. "WE HAVEN'T EVEN SWEPT TOGETHER"