What's red and invisible? No tomatoes.

What is the difference between a banana and a bell? You can only peel the banana once.

At a nursing home in Florida, a group of senior citizens were sitting around talking about their aches and pains."My arms are so weak I can hardly lift this cup of coffee," said one."I know what you mean. My cataracts are so bad I can`t even see my coffee," replied another."I can`t turn my head because of the arthritis in my neck," said a third."My blood pressure pills make me dizzy," another contributed."I guess that`s the price we pay for getting old," winced an old man.Then there was a short moment of silence."Thank God we can all still drive," said one woman cheerfully.

The day care bus driver drives with a bus full of Sun City seniors down a highway, when a little old lady taps him on his shoulder. She offers him a handful of almonds, which he gratefully munches up. 15 minutes later she taps him on his shoulder again and hands him another handful of almonds. She repeats this gesture about 8 times. After the 9th time he asks the lady why they do not eat the almonds themselves. She replied that it is not possible because of their old teeth. They can not chew them. "Why do you buy them then?" he asks, puzzled. Where upon the lady answers, "We just love to lick the chocolate around them".

Mr. Gable had a leak in the roof over his dining room, so he called a repairman to take a look at it. "When did you first notice the leak?" the repairman inquired. Mr. Gable scowled. "Last night, when it took me two hours to finish my soup!"

Twenty Responses to Use With Telemarketers 1. If they want to loan you money, tell them you just filed for bankruptcy and you could sure use some money. 2. If they start out with, “How are you today?” say, “I’m so glad you asked, because no one these days seems to care, and I have all these problems. My arthritis is acting up, my eyelashes are sore, my dog just died . . .. “ 3. If they say they’re John Doe from XYZ Company, ask them to spell their name. Then ask them to spell the company name. Then ask them where it is located, how long it has been in business, how many people work there, how they got into this line of work if they are married, how many kids they have, etc. Continue asking them personal questions or questions about their company for as long as necessary. 4. This works great if you are male. Telemarketer: “Hi, my name is Judy and I’m with XYZ Company. “ You: Wait for a second and with a real husky voice ask, “What are you wearing?” 5. Cry out in surprise, “Judy? Is that you? Oh my God! Judy, how have you been?” Hopefully, this will give Judy a few brief moments of terror as she tries to figure out where she could know you from. 6. Say “No” over and over. Be sure to vary the sound of each one, and keep a rhythmic tempo, even as they are trying to speak. This is most fun if you can do it until they hang up. 7. If MCI calls trying to get you to sign up for the Family and Friends Plan, reply, in as sinister a voice as you can, “I don’t have any friends, would you be my friend?” 8. If the company cleans rugs, respond: “Can you get out blood? Can you get out goat blood? How about human blood?” 9. After the Telemarketer gives his or her spiel, ask him or her to marry you. When they get all flustered, tell them that you can’t just give your credit card number to a complete stranger. 10. Tell the Telemarketer that you work for the same company, and they can’t sell to employees. 11. Answer the phone. As soon as you realize it is a Telemarketer, set the receiver down, scream, “Oh my God!” and then hang up. 12. Tell the Telemarketer you are busy at the moment and ask him/her if he/she will give you his/her home phone number so you can call him/her back. When the Telemarketer explains that telemarketers cannot give out their home numbers say, “I guess you don’t want anyone bothering you at home, right?” The Telemarketer will agree and you say, “Me either!” Hang up. 13. Ask them to repeat everything they say, several times. 14. Tell them it is dinner time, but ask if they would please hold. Put them on your speaker phone while you continue to eat at your leisure. Smack your food loudly and continue with your dinner conversation. 15. Tell the Telemarketer you are on “home incarceration” and ask if they could bring you some beer. 16. Ask them to fax the information to you, and make up a number. 17. Tell the Telemarketer, “Okay, I’ll listen to you. But I should probably tell you, I’m not wearing any clothes.” 18. Insist that the caller is really your buddy Leon, playing a joke. “Come on, Leon, cut it out! Seriously, Leon, how’s your momma?” 19. Tell them you are hard of hearing and that they need to speak up . . .. louder . . . louder . . . 20. Tell them to talk very slowly, because you want to write every word down.

Time flies like an arrow, but fruit flies like a banana.

A man walks into a restaurant with an ostrich behind him, and as he sits, the waitress comes over and asks for their order. The man says,"I'll have a hamburger, fries and a coke," and turns to the ostrich. "What's yours?" "I'll have the same," says the ostrich. A short time later the waitress returns with the order. "That will be $6.40 please," and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out exact change for payment. The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, "I'll have a hamburger, fries and a coke," and the ostrich says, "I'll have the same." Once again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change. This becomes a routine until late one evening, the two enter again. "The usual?" asks the waitress. "No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and salad," says the man. "Same for me," says the ostrich. A short time later the waitress comes with the order and says, "That will be $12.62." Once again the man pulls exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table. The waitress can't hold back her curiosity any longer. "Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change out of your pocket every time?" "Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and I found an old lamp. When I rubbed it a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, just put my hand in my pocket, and the right amount of money would always be there." "That's brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people would wish for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!" "That's right! Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there," says the man. The waitress asks, "One other thing, sir, what's with the ostrich?" The man replies, "My second wish was for a chick with long legs.

When the employees of a restaurant attended a fire safety seminar, they watched a fire official demonstrate the proper way to operate an extinguisher. "Pull the pin like a hand grenade," he explained, "then depress the trigger to release the foam." Later an employee was selected to extinguish a controlled fire in the parking lot. In her nervousness, she forgot to pull the pin. The instructor hinted, "Like a hand grenade, remember?" In a burst of confidence she pulled the pin -- and hurled the extinguisher at the blaze.

Q: What`s the difference between a man and E.T.?A: E.T. phoned home.Q: How do men get excersize at the beach?A: By sucking in their stomachs every time they see a bikini.Q: What`s a man`s idea of helpin with the housework?A: Lifting his legs so you can vacuum.Q: Why are all dumb blond jokes oneliners?A: So men can understand them.Q: How do women define a 50/50 relationship?A: We cook/they eat; We clean/they dirty; We iron/ they wrinkle.Q: What is the difference between government bonds and men?A: Government bonds mature.Q: How are men like noodles?A: They are always in hot water, they lack taste, and they need dough.Q: Why is psychoanalysis a lot quicker for men than for women?A: When it`s time to go back to his childhood, he`s already there.Q: Why is it good that there are female astronauts?A: When the crew gets lost in space at least the women will ask for directions.Q: What does a man consider to be a seven course meal?A: A hot dog and a six pack.Q: What`s the best way to force a man to do sit ups?A: Put the remote control between his toes.

I don’t have a beer gut, I have a protective covering for my rock hard abs.

Well-known lodging chain announced it was creating a line of nofrills hotels. The only way you'll see a chocolate on the pillow now is if the last guest was eating an M&M.

You know you are addicted to coffee if ... You don`t even wait for the water to boil anymore.

Who Knew? 1. To remove a bandage painlessly, Saturate the bandage with vodka. The stuff dissolves adhesive. 2. To clean the caulking around bathtubs and showers, Fill a trigger-spray bottle with vodka, spray the caulking, Let set five minutes and wash clean. The alcohol in the vodka kills mold and mildew. 3. To clean your eyeglasses, Simply wipe the lenses with a soft, Clean cloth dampened with vodka. The alcohol in the vodka cleans the glass and kills germs. 4. Prolong the life of razors by filling a cup with vodka And letting your safety razor blade soak in the alcohol after shaving. The vodka disinfects the blade and prevents rusting. 5. Spray vodka on wine stains, Scrub with a brush, and then blot dry. 6. Using a cotton ball, apply vodka to your face. As an astringent to cleanse the skin and tighten pores. 7. Add a jigger of vodka to a 12-ounce bottle of shampoo. The alcohol cleanses the scalp, removes toxins from hair, And stimulates the growth of healthy hair. 8. Fill a sixteen-ounce trigger-spray bottle with vodka And spray bees or wasps to kill them. 9 Pour one-half cup vodka And one-half cup water into a Ziploc freezer bag And freeze for a slushy, refreshing ice pack for aches, Pain or black eyes. 10. Fill a clean, used mayonnaise jar With freshly packed lavender flowers, Fill the jar with vodka, seal the lid tightly And set in the sun for three days. Strain liquid through a coffee filter, Then apply the tincture to aches and pains. 11. To relieve a fever, use a wash cloth to rub vodka on your chest and back as a liniment. 12. To cure foot odor, Wash your feet with vodka. 13 Vodka will disinfect And alleviate a jellyfish sting. 14. Pour vodka over an area affected with poison ivy To remove the urushiol oil from your skin. 15. Swish a shot of vodka over an aching tooth. Allow your gums to absorb some of the alcohol to numb the pain. ...And silly me! I've only been drinking the stuff.

Where do young cows eat lunch? In the calf-ateria.

What's a man's idea of a balanced diet? Beer in each hand!

Q: What do you get when you cross an elephant and a banana?A: | elephant | * | banana | * sin.

The dream. Moshe was taking to his psychiatrist. "I had a weird dream recently," he says. "I saw my mother but then I noticed she had your face. I found this so worrying that I immediately awoke and couldn`t get back to sleep. I just stayed there thinking about it until 7am. I got up, made myself a slice of toast and some coffee and came straight here. Can you please help me explain the meaning of my dream?" The psychiatrist kept silent for some time, then said, "One slice of toast and coffee? Do you call that a breakfast?"

If there were no food left, what could people do? Country people could eat their forest preserves and city people could have their traffic jams.

A man calls room service at his hotel. "I want a breakfast of two eggs burned black around the edges, undercooked bacon, weak coffee,watery orange juice and cold, hard, unbuttered toast", asks the man. "Why the hell would you want a terrible breakfast like that?", asks the room service guy. "I'm homesick", replies the man.