Marge: "Homer, you never listen to anything I say " Homer: "Thank you. I would like an omelet."

If Microsoft operated Restaurants Patron: Waiter! Waiter: Hi, my name is Bill, and I'll be your Support Waiter. What seems to be the problem? Patron: There's a fly in my soup! Waiter: Try again, maybe the fly won't be there this time. Waiter: Maybe the soup is incompatible with the bowl; what kind of bowl are you using? Patron: A SOUP bowl! Waiter: Can you remember everything you did before you noticed the fly in your soup? Patron: I sat down and ordered the Soup of the Day! Waiter: Have you considered upgrading to the latest Soup of the Day?

Ministerial CandidatesThe following is a confidential report on several candidates being considered for a ministry position.ADAMGood man but problems with his wife. Also one reference told of how he and his wife enjoy walking nude in the woods.JESUSSeldom stays in one place very long. And, of course, he`s single. Has a messiah complex.NOAHProne to unrealistic building projects.ABRAHAMThough the reference reported wife swapping, the facts seem to show he never slept with another man`s wife, but did offer to share his own wife.JOSEPHA big thinker but a braggart. Believes in dream interpreting, and has a prison record. Had been accused of adultery.MOSESA modest and meek man but poor communicator, even stuttering at times. Sometimes blows his stack and acts rashly.JOBComplains a lot.DAVIDThe most promising leader of all until we discovered his affair with his neighbour`s wife. His kids are out of control. Worse yet, he`s a proponent of instrumental music in worship.SOLOMONGreat preacher but our parsonage would never hold all those wives. Good with building projects though. Rather extravagant.ELIJAHProne to depression. Collapses under pressure. Spends too much time in wilderness. Loner. No wife that we know of.SAMSONHair is too long.JONAHRefused God`s call into ministry until he was forced to obey by getting swallowed up by a great fish. He told us the fish later spit him out on the shore near here. Known to pout when things don`t go his way. We hung up.MELCHIZEDEKGreat credentials at current work place, but where does this guy come from? No information on his resume about former work records. Every line about parents was left blank and he refused to supply a birth date.JOHNSays he`s a Baptist but definitely doesn`t dress like one. Has slept outdoors for months on end. Has a weird diet. Provokes denominational leaders. Is too social and political minded. Offends politicians and isknown to lose his head on occasion.PETERToo blue collar. Has a bad temper. Has even been known to curse. Had a big run-in with Paul in Antioch. Aggressive, but a loose cannon. Probably speaks in tongues. Claims to have visions.PAULPowerful CEO type leader and fascinating preacher. However, short on tact, unforgiving with younger ministers, harsh and has been known to preach all night. Controversial on women`s issues. Admits to speaking in tongues. Has recommended young men to drink wine. Little chance that he will ever marry.TIMOTHYToo young.METHUSELAHToo old. WAY too old.JUDASHis references are solid. A steady plodder. Conservative and pragmatic. Good connections. Knows how to handle money. We`re inviting him to preach this Sunday. Possibilities here.

On their anniversary night, the husband sat his wife sat down in the den with her favorite magazine, turned on the soft reading lamp, slipped off her shoes, patted and propped her feet and announced that he was preparing dinner all by himself."How romantic!" she thought.Two-and-a-half hours later, she was still waiting for dinner to be served. She tiptoed to the kitchen and found it in a colossal mess.Her harried husband, removing something indescribable from the smoking oven, saw her in the doorway. "Almost ready!" he vowed. "Sorry it took me so long -- I had to refill the pepper shaker.""Why, honey, how long could that have taken you?""More`n an hour, I reckon. Wasn`t easy stuffin` it through those dumb little holes."

Q: How many men does it take to make popcorn?A: Four, one to hold the pot, and three to act macho and shake the stove.Q: How do you save a man from drowning?A: Take your foot off of his head.Q: How are men like parking spaces?A: The good ones are always taken and all that is left are handicapped.

Two college seniors had a week of exams coming up. They decided to party instead. Their biggest exam was on Wednesday, and they showed up telling the professor that their car had broken down the night before due to a very flat tire and they needed a bit more time to study. The professor told them that they could have another day to study. That evening, both of the boys crammed all night until they were sure that they knew just about everything. Arriving to class the next morning, each boy was told to go to two separate classrooms to take the exam. Each boy just shrugged and went to the two different parts of the building. As each sat down, they read the first question. "For 5 points, explain the contents of an atom." At this point, they both thought that this was going to be a piece of cake, and answered the question with ease. Then, the test continued. "For 95 points, tell me which tire it was"...

What does a squid sheriff form? An octoposse!

A guy had told all of his friends about the great steak he'd eaten downtown the day before. A group of them decided to head down and see if was really as large and delicious as he was making it out to be. The group was seated in the back of the restaurant. After looking over the menu, they ordered and waited, hungrily, for their large, delicious pieces of gigantic steaks. To their collective disappointment, the waiter brought out some of the smallest steaks they'd ever seen. "Now see here," the very embarrassed guy said to the waiter. "Yesterday when I came down here you served me a BIG, juicy, steak. Today, though, when I have my friends invited, you serve small miniature steaks! What is the meaning of this?" "Yes, sir," replied the waiter, "yesterday you were sitting by the window."

The American tourist in Dublin had been complaining a great deal about the food. "Here," he said to the waitress holding out a piece of meat for inspection, "do you call that pig?" "Which end of the fork, sir?" the waitress asked sweetly.

Q: How does a man show that he is planning for the future? A: He buys 2 cases of beer instead of one.

Two women had been having a friendly lunch when the subject turned to sex. "You know, John and I have been having some sexual problems," Linda told her friend. That's amazing!" Mary replied, "So have Tom and I. We're thinking of going to a sex therapist," said Linda. "Oh, we could never do that! We'd be too embarrassed!" responded Mary. "But after you go, will you please tell me how it went?" Several weeks passed and they met met for lunch again. "So, how did the sex therapy work out, Linda?" "Things couldn't be better!", Linda exclaimed. "We began with a physical exam, and afterward the doctor said he was certain he could help us. He told us to stop at the grocery store on the way home and buy a bunch of grapes and a dozen donuts. He told us to sit on the floor nude, and toss the grapes and donuts at each other. Every grape that went into my vagina, John had to get it out with his tongue. Every donut that I ringed his penis with, I had to eat. Our sex life is wonderful, in fact it's better than it's ever been!" With that endorsement, Mary talked her husband into an appointment with the same sex therapist. After the physical exams were completed the doctor called Mary and Tom into his office. "I'm afraid there is nothing I can do for you," he said. But doctor," Mary complained, "You did such good for Linda and John, surely you must have a suggestion for us! Please, please, can't you give us some help? Any help at all?" "Well, OK," the doctor answered. "On your way home, I want you to stop at the grocery store and buy a sack of apples and a box of Cheerios..."

"Well OK here's the grand tour." the Matr'D continued, "Over here we have an all night casino where you always win. Over there is the hotel where you will be spending your eternity, furnished with all the luxuries you can possibly dream of. And in the back there is an all night restaurant filled with all the most beautiful women you can imagine and are ready to do your every bidding and of course the food is great also."

What soft drink do pigs like best? Root beer.

How can you tell if you have been spending too much time at home on the Internet? Your spouse emails you a message saying dinner is ready and she/he uses the address "Your spouse@home.com."

Are There Jews In China? Yitzhak and Moshe were eating in a Chinese restaurant in London. "Yitzhak," asked Moshe, "Are there any Jews in China?" "I don`t know," Yitzhak replied. "Why don`t you ask the waiter? I`d be surprised if there were no Jews in China. Our people are scattered everywhere." When the waiter came by, Moshe asked, "Are there any Chinese Jews?" "I don`t know sir, let me ask," the waiter replied, and went back to the kitchen. The waiter returned a few minutes later and said, "No, sir. No Chinese Jews." "Are you sure?" Moshe asked. "I ask everyone," the waiter replied. "We have orange Jews, prune Jews, tomato Jews and grape Jews, but no one ever hear of Chinese Jews!"

It's funny, when I walk into a spider web I demolish his home and misplace his dinner yet I still feel like the victim.

We all have one ginger friend that claims to be "strawberry blonde".

Another version of The Good Wife Guide This article (believe it or not) is an actual extract from a Home Economics textbook printed in the early 1960’s. It is absolutely true and it was written in a serious manner – it was not written as a joke. So you women out there, please don’t blame me. In fact I for one am glad things have changed in the 21st century as much as they have! Challenge. If anyone wants to prepare, “The Good Husband Guide” as you think it might have been written in the 1960’s, then send it to me. Have dinner ready. Plan ahead even the night before, to have a delicious meal ready on time for his return from work. This is a way of letting him know that you have been thinking about him and are concerned about his needs. Prepare yourself. Take 15minutes to rest so you will be refreshed when he arrives. Touch up your make-up, put a ribbon in your hair and be fresh looking. He has just been with a lot of work weary people. Be a little gay and a little more interesting for him. His boring day may need a lift and one of your duties is to provide it. Clear away the clutter. Make one last trip through the main part of the house just before your husband arrives. Gather up schoolbooks, toys, papers etc and then run a dust cloth over the tables. During the colder months of the year you should prepare and light a fire for him to unwind by. After all, catering for his comfort will provide you immense personal satisfaction. Make the evening his. Never complain if he goes out to dinner or other places of entertainment without you. Instead, try to understand his world of strain and pressure and his very real need to be at home and relax. Try to make sure your home is a place of peace, order and tranquillity. Don’t complain if he’s late home for dinner or even stays out all night. Count this as minor compared to what he might have gone through that day. Make him comfortable. Have him lean back in a comfortable chair. Have a cool or warm drink ready for him. Arrange the pillow and offer to take off his shoes. Speak in a low, soothing and pleasant voice. Remember, he is the master of the house and as such will always exercise his will with fairness and truthfulness. Once he has had a chance to have his evening meal, clear the dishes and wash up promptly. If your husband should offer to help decline his offers – he may feel obliged to repeat this offer and after a long working day he does not need the extra work. Encourage your husband to pursue his hobbies and interests and be supportive without seeming to encroach. If you have any little hobbies try not to bore him speaking of these, as women’s interests are often rather trivial compared to men’s. at the end of the evening tidy the home ready for the morning and again think ahead to his breakfast needs. Once you have both retired to the bedroom prepare yourself for bed as promptly as possible. Your tired husband does not want to queue for the bathroom, as he would have to do for his train. However, try to remember to look your best when going to bed. Try to achieve a look that is welcoming without being obvious. If you need to apply face cream or hair rollers wait until he is asleep as this can be shocking to a man last thing at night.

Yo momma is so stupid that she thinks Fleetwood Mac is a new hamburger at McDonald's!

I took my two sons, ages seven and five to the playground at our local park. My seven year old was very proud as he was able to read the sign with all the rules to his brother. "Do not jump on the merry-go-round when in motion." "Go down the slide while sitting only." "Only one child on a swing at a time." There were about twenty rules and the boys promised to obey them all, if I would trust them and let them play without Daddy standing by. They said that they were too old to be watched and their friends would tease them calling them babies if Dad stayed. I made them promise to be good and obey the rules, and rejoined my wife preparing our picnic lunch. When it was time to get the children, I decided to watch them at a distance for a while to see how reliable they were in following my instructions. I found that they obeyed most of the printed instructions. That is, all but one. They would get on the tall semicircular slide and go down head first or backward. Angerly, I picked up the children and took them over to the posted regulations and made my seven year old read it aloud again. Then I asked the boys what they had to say for themselves. My five year old answered immediately, "Don't be silly, Dad. No one uses a slide rule anymore!"