I took my two sons, ages seven and five to the playground at our local park. My seven year old was very proud as he was able to read the sign with all the rules to his brother. "Do not jump on the merry-go-round when in motion." "Go down the slide while sitting only." "Only one child on a swing at a time." There were about twenty rules and the boys promised to obey them all, if I would trust them and let them play without Daddy standing by. They said that they were too old to be watched and their friends would tease them calling them babies if Dad stayed. I made them promise to be good and obey the rules, and rejoined my wife preparing our picnic lunch. When it was time to get the children, I decided to watch them at a distance for a while to see how reliable they were in following my instructions. I found that they obeyed most of the printed instructions. That is, all but one. They would get on the tall semicircular slide and go down head first or backward. Angerly, I picked up the children and took them over to the posted regulations and made my seven year old read it aloud again. Then I asked the boys what they had to say for themselves. My five year old answered immediately, "Don't be silly, Dad. No one uses a slide rule anymore!"

A man comes home from an exhausting day at work, plops down on the couch in front of the television, and tells his wife, "Get me a beer before it starts." The wife sighs and gets him a beer. Fifteen minutes later, he says, "Get me another beer before it starts." She looks cross, but fetches another beer and slams it down next to him. He finishes that beer and a few minutes later says, "Quick, get me another beer, it's going to start any minute." The wife is furious. She yells at him "Is that all you're going to do tonight? Drink beer and sit in front of that TV? You're nothing but a lazy, drunken, fat slob, and furthermore ..." The man sighs and says, "It's started ..."

A man eating at restaurant says to his waiter, 'waiter, there's a fly in my soup!' The waiter replies, 'That, sir, is entirely possible, you see our cook used to be a tailor.'.

The American investment banker was at the pier of a small coastal Mexican village when a small boat with just one fisherman docked. Inside the small boat were several large yellow fin tuna. The American complimented the Mexican on the quality of his fish and asked how long it took to catch them.The Mexican replied, "Only a little while."The American then asked, "Why didn`t you stay out longer and catch more fish?"The Mexican said, "With this I have more than enough to support my family`s needs."The American then asked, "But what do you do with the rest of your time?"The Mexican fisherman said, "I sleep late, fish a little, play with my children, take siesta with my wife, Maria, stroll into the village each evening where I sip wine and play guitar with my amigos, I have a full and busy life."The American scoffed, "I am a Harvard MBA and could help you. You should spend more time fishing; and with the proceeds, buy a bigger boat: With the proceeds from the bigger boat you could buy several boats. Eventually you would have a fleet of fishing boats. Instead of selling your catch to a middleman you would sell directly to the processor; eventually opening your own cannery. You would control the product, processing and distribution. You would need to leave this small coastal fishing village and move to Mexico City, then Los Angeles and eventually New York where you will run your ever-expanding enterprise."The Mexican fisherman asked, "But, how long will this all take?"To which the American replied, "15 to 20 years.""But what then?" asked the Mexican.The American laughed and said that`s the best part. "When the time is right you would announce an IPO and sell your company stock to the public and become very rich, you would make millions.""Millions?...Then what?"The American said, "Then you would retire. Move to a small coastal fishing village where you would sleep late, fish a little, play with your kids, take siesta with your wife, stroll to the village in the evenings where you could sip wine and play your guitar with your amigos."

A man is dining in a fancy restaurant, and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He had been checking her out since he sat down, but lacked the nerve to talk with her.Suddenly she sneezes and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket towards the man. He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back."Oh my, I am so sorry," the woman says as she pops her eye back in place. "Let me buy you dessert to make it up to you."They enjoy a wonderful dessert together, and afterwards, the woman invites him to the theater followed by drinks. After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap...and stay for breakfast the next morning.The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy is amazed! Everything has been incredible! "You know," he said, "you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?" "No," she replies... "You just happened to catch my eye."

What do they call a coffee break at the Lipton Tea Company?

Mother Banana: Why didn't you go to school today? Little Banana: Because I didn't peel well.

Q: How do you turn white chocolate into dark chocolate? A: Turn off the light.

The One ring from LOTR is an undigested cheerio that Chuck Norris had for breakfast.

A man comes to the doctor and says: "Doc, no matter what i do in bed i can't satisfy my wife". So the doctor sends him to the old train-station, where he is to find a very well-built guy that can help him. And so, the man goes there, finds the big guy and asks him for help. The guy says: "No problem, sir. You see this banana-skin? Invite me to your house while you are having sex, and i will wave it at you and your wife during the whole time. I promise you that she will reach satisfaction in no time". So, they head off to the man's house. When the woman opens the door, he asks her to go to bed, cause they are going to have some great sex. And so they begin, and the big man is waving the banana-skin. After 30 minutes, still the wife doesn't reach satisfaction. "Give it to me, i will wave and you will have the sex", says the man angrily. Ans so, he starts waving, and the big guy is having sex with the wife. After exactly two mintues, she reaches her peack. "You see, you Idiot", says the man to the big-guy with rage, "this is how you are supposed to wave a banana!".

There are three friends named Mad, Brain, and Fight. One day Fight went missing and his friends Mad and Brain started searching for him. Then Brain said, "Mad, let's file a missing person report with the police." When they were about to walk into the police station, Brain said, "Mad, you go and make the report. I will wait for you here." Mad said, "Okay." Mad walked in but no police officers paid attention to him. Then he saw a policeman drinking a cup of coffee. Mad went to the officer, smacked the table, and the cup of coffee flew in the air, landing in the officer's lap. Angry, the policeman asked, "Are you looking for a fight?" Mad replied, "Yes, I am." The policeman asked, "Are you mad?" Mad replied, "Yes, I am Mad." The policeman then asked, "Don't you have a brain?" Mad replied, "Brain is outside sir."

Why did the man drown in a bowl of cake mix? He got pulled under by a particularly strong current.

What did the Buddhist say to the hot dog vendor? Make me one with everything.

A man goes to a diner. On the menu it says, "Breakfast Served Anytime" so, when the waitress comes he orders French Toast during the Renaissance.

When the store manager returned from lunch, he noticed his clerk's hand was bandaged, but before he could ask about the bandage, the clerk said he had some very good news for him. "Guess what, sir?" the clerk said. "I finally sold that terrible, ugly suit we've had so long!" "Do you mean that repulsive pink-and-blue double-breasted thing?" the manager asked. "That's the one!" "That's great!" the manager cried, "I thought we'd never get rid of that monstrosity! That had to be the ugliest suit we've ever had! But tell me. Why is your hand bandaged?" "Oh," the clerk replied, "after I sold the guy that suit, his guide dog bit me."

A man gets married and shortly afterwards his wife dies. A friend tries to console him and asks, "What happened to your wife?" "She died of poison from eating mushrooms," said the husband. This man gets married a second time, and not long after the marriage, this second wife dies. The same friend tries to console the grieving husband and asks, "What happened to your second wife?" "She died of poison from eating mushrooms," was also the reply from the husband. This man takes a third wife and, not very long after the marriage, the third wife dies. The consoling friend asks, "What happened to your third wife? Was it mushroom poisoning?" The grieving husband responds, "No, she died of a broken neck." "A broken neck!" replies the friend. "Yes," says the husband, "she wouldn't eat her mushrooms."

Our local Eden Corn Festival is this weekend. My favorite part is the crowning of the Corn Queen, otherwise know as Queened Corn. All the girls are absolutely beautiful - not a hominy one in the bunch. The winner is usually a fairly husky girl - the thin as a stalk types don`t seem to win. And it helps to wear really flashy earrings. They present her with a lovely peach cobbler for a prize. One year some folks thought the contest was fixed, but they couldn`t come up with a kernal of evidence!

Q: Why does Ms. Mushroom go out with Mr. Mushroom? A: Because he is a fungi .

In all their months of marriage not once did he charter a jet to get her peanut butter sandwiches or fly a mime troupe in from France like Poppa did for Momma.

You find yourself listening to talk radio. You daughter says she got pierced and you look at her ears. The pattern on your shorts and couch match. You fondly remember your powder blue leisure suit. You think Tragically Hip is when a middle-aged man gets a new sports car, hair piece and a 20 year old girlfriend. You criticize the kids of today for their satanic suicide-inducing music, forgetting that you rocked to Alice Cooper and Black Sabbath. You call the police on a noisy party next door instead of grabbing beer and joining it. You turn down free tickets to a rock concert because you have to work the next day. When grass is something that you cut, not cultivate. When jogging is something you do to your memory. Getting a little action means your prune juice is working. All the cars behind you flash their headlights. You remember the "Rolling Stones" as a rock group not a corporation. You bought your first car for the same price you paid for your son's new running shoes. You actually ASK for your father's advice. You don't know how to operate a fax machine. When someone mentions SURFING you picture waves and a surf board.