Three mice are sitting in a bar in a pretty rough neighbourhood late at night trying to impress each other about how tough they are. The first mouse pounds a shot of scotch, slams the glass onto the bar, turns to the second mouse and says, "When I see a mousetrap, I lie on my back and set it off with my foot. When the bar comes down, I catch it in my teeth, bench press it twenty times to work up an appetite, and then make off with the cheese." The second mouse orders up two shots of sour mash, pounds them both, slams each glass onto the bar, turns to the first mouse and replies: "Yeah, well when I see rat poison, I collect as much as I can, take it home, grind it up into a powder, and add it to my coffee each morning so I can get a good buzz going for the rest of the day." The first mouse and the second mouse then turn to the third mouse. The third mouse lets out a long sigh and says to the first two, "I don't have time for this bull. I gotta go home and screw the cat."

Spouse #1: Honey, this coffee tastes like dirt. Spouse #2: That`s not surprising, dear, it was just ground this morning.

Q: Why does hamburger have lower energy than steak?A: Because it`s in the ground state.

How does a man show he's planning for the future? He buys two cases of beer instead of one.

Jewish Mothers • Mothers only offer advice twice, when you want it and when you don’t. • A mother’s love is a better cure than chicken soup, but chicken soup is cheaper. • Your mother is the only person who knows more about you than you know about yourself. • If you can’t remember whether or not you called your mother, you didn’t. • The motherly advice you ignore will always turn out to be the best advice she ever gave you. • If you forget, your mother will remind you of all your mistakes so you don’t repeat them. • Anything you do can be criticized by your mother - even doing nothing. • You can’t "out mother" your mother. Don’t even try. • Never lie to your mother. And if you do, never think you got away with it. • The harder you try to hide something from your mother, the more she resembles a webcam. • The older you are, the more you feel like a child around your mother. • Mother’s way is best. If you don’t believe it, ask her.

A young couple, married just a couple of weeks, returns from their honeymoon to face the beginning of their new lives. The next morning the husband wakes up, showers, dresses and makes his way to the kitchen where he sees his new wife crying. So the husband inquires, "What's wrong, Honey?" "Well, I came down here this morning to surprise you with a big breakfast, but I can't cook or clean." The husband smiles his biggest smile and says, "There, there sweetie! I don't care that you can't cook and clean. Come on up to the bedroom and I'll show you what I'd like for breakfast." So off they went to the bedroom. That afternoon, the husband comes home for lunch to find his new wife crying again in the kitchen. "What's wrong now, Sweetie?" "Well, the same thing as this morning. I came in here to make you something for lunch and I just can't cook." Again the husband smiles and says, "Why don't you come back up to the bedroom and I'll have my lunch there!" So off they went to the bedroom again. That evening the new husband comes home, walks in the house and sees his new bride naked sliding down the banister of the stairs. Up she runs, and WHOOSH down the banister. After the third trip the husband asks, "What are you doing, Honey?" "Warming up your supper!" she replies.

A man at a restaurant asks the waiter, "How do you prepare your chickens? The waiter replies, "Nothing special. We just tell`em they`re gonna die..

News We Just Couldn't Pass Up A study published in New Scientist magazine has confirmed what common sense would dictate -- when porcupines mate, they do it very carefully. Tom Kroon won't have to worry about finding parking space near his house in Grand Rapids, Mich. Kroon, 64, refused to be evicted from the only home he has ever known, so city officials will build a public parking lot around it. Virginia Beach, Va., bank tellers handed over the loot when a robber demanded cash. They also slipped in an explosive dye pack that burns at about 400 degrees. The crook stuffed the loot down the front of his pants and was out the door before he realized something was wrong. A Milwaukee man was robbed at gunpoint on a golf course and was glad all the thieves took was his cash. "I was really afraid they were going to steal my golf clubs," he said. He played the course again the next day. Compiled by Ivan Weiss, Seattle Times, July 19, 1997 An Australian prisoner who wrote a "happy anniversary card" for Port Arthur mass-murderer Martin Bryant was acquitted of using the postal service to send offensive material. A Brazilian woman faces up to 15 years in jail for kidnapping the mother of a self-described real-estate agent who allegedly swindled her in a deal. A motorist led officers on a freeway chase until his sport-utility vehicle apparently ran out of gas, but the pursuit didn't end there. The man jumped out of the vehicle and began pushing it. California Highway Patrol officers waited until he tired and then arrested him. Compiled by Ivan Weiss, Seattle Times, December 20, 1997 A Warren, R.I., man found what he thought was a novelty cigarette lighter in the shape of a miniature handgun. When he pulled the trigger to produce a flame, the "lighter" fired a .22-caliber bullet. No one was hurt. A Columbus, Ohio, woman who mowed her lawn topless was convicted of disorderly conduct and fined $40. The judge said it was because she had been drinking. Connecticut lottery devotees did a double take when the same winning numbers, 8-2-8, were drawn two days in a row. Northbridge, Mass., police caught a former doughnut-shop employee who robbed the place after he left a trail of coins leading to his apartment. Hudson the dog, who lives in London, saved the life of his arch-rival, Zoe the cat, by barking until their owner rescued Zoe from a spinning clothes dryer. Compiled by Ivan Weiss, The Seattle Times, January 31, 1998 A rubber cow-pie prop from "The Beverly Hillbillies" was auctioned off recently by Universal Studios as part of an on-line charity fund-raiser. Fishermen in Russia's Far East have been buying up Chinese-made Barbie dolls and using their golden hair as bait. A New York parolee turned the tables on his parole officer and had him arrested for soliciting a $10,000 bribe. A lawmaker seeking re-election to the Danish Parliament has said the country's 11 million pigs should be given toys to play with. An Australian cricket player, desperate for some plain food after two weeks in India, called home for an emergency shipment of canned baked beans and spaghetti. A Newport News, Va., man was sentenced to five months in jail on five counts of being a Peeping Tom after his lip prints matched ones left on a window. A Saegertown, Pa., man who said he was tired of looking at two telephone service boxes at the edge of his property ripped them up with a tractor, state police said. He could not be reached for comment. His phone is no longer in service. Compiled by Ivan Weiss, The Seattle Times, March 7, 1998 Angry at the quality of their dinner after a grueling day on duty, about 200 Sri Lankan policemen fired shots into the air and set fire to their food. Victoria, B.C., authorities have taken a newborn baby from its mother because of a health threat at home -- overexposure to detergent. Hong Kong's Buddhist clergy have warned the faithful that phony monks who have wives and smoke cigarettes are preying on the faithful at funerals. Creve Coeur, Ill., p.

One morning while making breakfast, a man walked up to his wife and pinched her on her bottom and said, "You know if you firmed this up we could get rid of your girdle." While this was on the edge of intolerable, she thought herself better and replied with silence. The next morning the man woke his wife with a pinch on the breast and said, "You know if you firmed these up we could get rid of your bra." This was beyond a silent response, so she rolled over and grabbed him by the penis. With a death grip in place she said, "You know if you firmed this up we could get rid of the postman, the gardener, the pool man and your brother."

The word 'Kill' was invented by Chuck Norris. Other words were 'Die', 'Beer', and 'What'.

A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He has been checking her out since he sat down, but lacks the nerve to talk with her. Suddenly she sneezes and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket towards the man. He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back. Oh my, I am sooo sorry," the woman says as she pops her eye back in place. "Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you." They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards the woman invites him to the theater followed by drinks. After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap...and stay for breakfast the next morning. The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy is amazed! Everything had been incredible! You know," he said, "you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?" No, she replies... The suspense is killing you...) "You just happened to catch my eye."

A couple had been married for many years, and their son had gotten old enough to date. One day the boy brought a girl over to dinner. The mother was thrilled with her son's choice and couldn't wait for the wedding. However, the father was upset and, eventually, the boy asked,?Dad, why don't you seem happy with her. Mom likes her a lot.? The father explained,?No son, there's nothing wrong with the girl. It's just that I cheated on your mother a long time ago, and the girl you've been dating is my daughter by that woman.? So the boy dumped her and found himself another girl. Again, he brought her home to the mother's delight, but the father again told him this girl was actually his half-sister. The boy lost his temper and told his mother what his father had said. Furious, the mother shouted,?Don't listen to him, sweetheart! He isn't even your father!?

I killed a 6-pack just to watch it die My car's not a tree hugger, I'm drunk you idiot! Beer -- Helping Ugly People Get Laid Since 1837 Rehab is for Quitters I may be drunk, but you are down right ugly, and I shall be sober in the morning An Irishman is not drunk so long as he can hold on to one blade of grass and not fall off the earth. Milk sucks, got beer? 1 Tequila 2 Tequila 3 Tequila Floor Save a tree; eat a beaver. A cat by any other name is still a furry little hairball that shits behind the couch. Does this condom make me look fat? If my dog had a face as ugly as your's, I would shave his ass and teach him to walk backwards! I need someone really bad, are you really bad? I used to wonder why God made ugly people, then I realized it was so people like me could get a good laugh. Firefighters: we find them hot, and leave them wet! Can I have your number, I'll call you when my dog is in heat. Sweet guys open my heart, smart guys open my mind, but only fine guys can open my legs. Sex is evil, evil is sin, sins are forgiven, so stick it back in.

A lady tells her husband to go to the store to buy some cigarettes. He walks down to the store only to find it closed. So he goes into a nearby bar to use the vending machine. At the bar he sees a beautiful woman and starts talking to her. They have a couple of beers and one thing leads to another and they end up in her apartment. After theyve had their fun, he realizes its 3AM and says, "Oh no, its so late, my wifes going to kill me. Have you got any talcum powder?" She gives him some talcum powder, which he proceeds to rub on his hands and then he goes home. His wife is waiting for him in the doorway and she is pretty angry. Where the hell have you been?" "Well, honey, its like this. I went to the store like you asked, but they were closed. So I went to the bar to use the vending machine. I saw this great looking girl there and we had a few drinks and one thing led to another and I ended up in bed with her." "Oh yeah? Let me see your hands!" She sees his hands are covered with powder and... "You God damn liar! You were playing pool again!" Moral of the story: Always tell your wife the truth. She wont believe you anyway. At least your conscience is clear.

Waiter, what's this fly doing in my soup? Um, looks to me to be backstroke, sir�?

A man goes into a restaurant with his wife. The waiter approaches the table and asks for their order. "I'll have your biggest, juiciest steak," he says. "But sir, what about the mad cow?!" asks the waiter. "Oh," answers the man, "she'll order for herself."

This is an excerpt from Dave Barry's book A Guide to Guys. On the differences between men and women... Let's say a guy named Roger is attracted to a woman named Elaine. He asks her out to a movie; she accepts; they have a pretty good time. A few nights later he asks her out to dinner, and again they enjoy themselves. They continue to see each other regularly, and after a while neither one of them is seeing anybody else. And then, one evening when they're driving home, a thought occurs to Elaine, and, without really thinking, she says it aloud: "Do you realize that, as of tonight, we've been seeing each other for exactly six months?" And then there is silence in the car. To Elaine, it seems like a very loud silence. She thinks to herself: Geez, I wonder if it bothers him that I said that. Maybe he's been feeling confined by our relationship; maybe he thinks I'm trying to push him into some kind of obligation that he doesn't want, or isn't sure of. And Roger is thinking: Gosh. Six months. And Elaine is thinking: But, hey, I'm not so sure I want this kind of relationship, either. Sometimes I wish I had a little more space, so I'd have time to think about whether I really want us to keep going the way we are, moving steadily toward ... I mean, where are we going? Are we just going to keep seeing each other at this level of intimacy? Are we heading toward marriage? Toward children? Toward a lifetime together? Am I ready for that level of commitment? Do I really even know this person? And Roger is thinking: ... so that means it was... let's see... February when we started going out, which was right after I had the car at the dealer's, which means ... lemme check the odometer ... Whoa! I am way overdue for an oil change here. And Elaine is thinking: He's upset. I can see it on his face. Maybe I'm reading this completely wrong. Maybe he wants more from our relationship, more intimacy, more commitment; maybe he has sensed -- even before I sensed it -- that I was feeling some reservations. Yes, I bet that's it. That's why he's so reluctant to say anything about his own feelings. He's afraid of being rejected. And Roger is thinking: And I'm gonna have them look at the transmission again. I don't care what those morons say, it's still not shifting right. And they better not try to blame it on the cold weather this time. What cold weather? It's 87 degrees out, and this thing is shifting like a darn garbage truck, and I paid those incompetent thieves $600. And Elaine is thinking: He's angry. And I don't blame him. I'd be angry, too. I feel so guilty, putting him through this, but I can't help the way I feel. I'm just not sure. And Roger is thinking: They'll probably say it's only a 90-day warranty. That's exactly what they're gonna say, the scumballs. And Elaine is thinking: Maybe I'm just too idealistic, waiting for a knight to come riding up on his white horse, when I'm sitting right next to a perfectly good person, a person I enjoy being with, a person I truly do care about, a person who seems to truly care about me. A person who is in pain because of my self-centered, schoolgirl romantic fantasy. And Roger is thinking: Warranty? They want a warranty? I'll give them a darn warranty. I'll take their warranty and stick it right up their ... "Roger," Elaine says aloud. "What?" says Roger, startled. "Please don't torture yourself like this," she says, her eyes beginning to brim with tears. "Maybe I should never have ... Oh my, I feel so ..." "What?" says Roger. "I'm such a fool," Elaine sobs. "I mean, I know there's no knight. I really know that. It's silly. There's no knight, and there's no horse." "There's no horse?" says Roger. "You think I'm a fool, don't you?" Elaine says. "No!" says Roger, glad to finally know the correct answer. "It's just that ... It's that I ... I need some time," Elaine says. (There is a 15-second pause while Roger, thinking as fast as he can, tries to come up with a safe response. Finally.

There were three guys in a bar. Two are talking about the amount of control they have over their wives. The third remains silent. After a while, one of the first two turned to the third and sez "Well... what about you, what sort of control do you have over your wife?" "Well, on our honeymoon, I made damn sure my wife came to me on her hands and knees." he bragged and took another sip of beer. His friends were amazed! "What happened then?" they asked, almost in unison. "Well, then she said, 'Get the hell out from under that bed and fight like a man!' " he admitted.

A Scotsman, an Irishman, and an Englishman had dinner together. When the waiter came with the bill, the Scotsman promptly said he would take it. The next day the newspaper carried a headline: "English Ventriloquist Murdered In Restaurant."

A teacher was trying to get one of her students to understand a math problem by asking him this: If there are 3 birds on a powerline and a man shot one of them, how many birds are left. He answered none, because the gunshot scared the other birds away, she answered back,"I like the way you think." Then the student asked the teacher if there are three women sitting on a bench eating ice cream, one is licking the ice cream, one is biting the ice cream, and the other is sucking the ice cream, which of the three are married? The teacher turned bight red and said,"The one that is sucking the ice cream." He answered,"No, the one with the wedding ring, BUT I LIKE THE WAY U THINK."