One day, when Billy came home from school, his mom asked him how his day went. He said, "We're learning about sexual education." She smiled, and said, "At least he's learning something usefull." Billy went up to his room. A little later, Billy's mom went up to his room to call him down to dinner. She opens his door and sees him jerking off. She says, "Billy, when you're done with your homework, supper's on the table."

An engineer, an accountant, a chemist and a bureaucrat were bragging about how smart their dogs are.The engineer called to his dog, "T-square, do your stuff". The dog took out paper and pen, and drew a circle, a squareand a triangle. Everyone agreed he was smart.The accountant called, "Sliderule, do your stuff". The pooch went to the kitchen, got a dozen cookies and made four stacks of three. Everyone was impressed.The chemist called, "Beaker, do your stuff." The dog went to the fridge for a quart of milk, got a ten ounce glass and poured exactly eight ounces without spilling a drop. Everyone agreed that was great.The bureaucrat called, "Coffee Break,do your stuff!". Coffe Break ate the cookies, drank the milk, chewed the paper, claimed he injured his mouth doing so, filed a grievance for unsafe working conditions, put in for workers' compensation and took extended sick leave.

A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office. After the check-up, the doctor took the wife aside and said, "If you don't do the following, your husband will surely die". 1.Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast and send him off to work in a good mood. 2.At lunch time, make him a warm, nutritious meal and put him in a good frame of mind before he goes back to work. 3.For dinner, fix an especially nice meal, and don't burden him with household chores. 4.Have sex with him several times a week and satisfy his every whim. On the way home, the husband asked his wife what the doctor had told her. "You're going to die," she replied.

Chuck Norris had a bowl of nails for breakfast...without any milk.

Two executives working in the garment center are having lunch together. Goldstein says to his friend, "Last week was one of the worst weeks of my entire life." "What happened?" asks Birnbaum. Goldstein moans, "My wife and I went to Florida on vacation. It rained for seven days and seven nights, so my wife went out and spent thousands of dollars on the credit card. I came back to New York and found out that my brother-in-law accountant has been ripping me off for millions. And, to top it all off, when I came in to work on Monday morning, I found my son having sex with the garment model on my desk!" "You think you had a bad week?" responds Birnbaum. "My week was even worse! I went to Florida on vacation with my wife and it rained for seven days and seven nights, so my wife went out and spent thousands on the credit card. Then, when I got back to New York, I found out that my brother-in-law accountant has been ripping me off for millions. And, to top it all off, when I came in to work on Monday morning, I found my son having sex with the garment model on my desk!" "How can you say that your week was worse than mine?" asks Goldstein. "It was identical!" "You shmuck!" replies Birnbaum. "I manufacture men's garments..."

Moshe in conversation "What time is it?" Standard response: "Sorry, I don`t know." Moshe’s response: "What am I, a clock?" "I hope things turn out OK." Standard response: "Thank you." Moshe’s response: "I should be so lucky!" "Hurry up, dinner is ready." Standard response: "OK. Be right there." Moshe’s response: "Alright already, I`m coming. What`s with the `hurry` business? Is there a fire?" "Rifka and I just got engaged." Standard response: "Congratulations!" Moshe’s response: "She could do with putting on a few pounds." "Would you like to go riding with us?" Standard response: "Just say when." Moshe’s response: "Riding, shmiding! Do I look like a cowboy?" To guest of honour at birthday party: Standard remark: "Happy birthday." Moshe’s remark: "A year smarter you should become." "Isn’t it a beautiful day?" Standard response: "It sure is." Moshe’s response: "So the sun is out, what else is new?" Answering son’s call: Standard remark: "It`s been ages since you called." Moshe’s remark: "You didn`t wonder if I`m dead yet?"

During lunch at work, I ate 3 plates of beans . When I got home, my husband seemed excited to see me and exclaimed delightedly, "Darling I have a surprise for dinner tonight." He then blindfolded me and led me to my chair at the dinner table. I took a seat and just as he was about to remove my blindfold, the telephone rang. He made me promise not to touch the blindfold until he returned and went to answer the call. The beans I had consumed were still affecting me and the pressure was becoming unbearable, so while my husband was out of the room I seized the opportunity, shifted my weight to one leg and let one go. It was not only loud, but it smelled like a fertilizer truck running over a skunk in front of a garbage dump! I took my napkin from my lap and fanned the air around me vigorously. Then, shifting to the other leg, I ripped off three more. The stink was worse than cooked cabbage. Keeping my ears carefully tuned to the conversation in the other room, I went on releasing atomic bombs like this for another few minutes. The pleasure was indescribable! Eventually the telephone farewells signaled the end of my freedom, so I quickly fanned the air a few more times with my napkin, placed it on my lap and folded my hands back on it feeling very relieved and pleased with myself. My face must have been the picture of innocence when my husband returned, apologizing for taking so long. He asked me if I had peaked through the blindfold, and I assured him I had not. At this point, he removed the blindfold, and twelve dinner guests seated around the table, with their hands to their noses, chorused, "Happy Birthday!"

A worried Mrs. Melchnik sprang to the telephone when it rang and listened with relief to the kindly voice in her ear. "How are you, darling?" it said. "What kind of a day are you having?" "Oh, mother," said the housewife, breaking into bitter tears, "I've had such a bad day. The baby won't eat and the washing machine broke down. I haven't had a chance to go shopping, and besides, I've just sprained my ankle and I have to hobble around. On top of that, the house is a mess and I'm supposed to have two couples to dinner tonight." The mother was shocked and was at once all sympathy. "Oh, darling," she said, "sit down, relax, and close your eyes. I'll be over in half an hour. I'll do your shopping, clean up the house, and cook your dinner for you. I'll feed the baby and I'll call a repairman I know who'll be at your house to fix the washing machine promptly. Now stop crying. I'll do everything. In fact, I'll even call George at the office and tell him he ought to come home and help out for once." "George?" said the housewife. "Who's George?" "Why, George Your husband ...Is this 555 1374? "No, this is 555 1375." "Oh, I'm sorry. I guess I have the wrong number." There was a short pause and the housewife said, "Does this mean you're not coming over?"

A waitress walks up to one of her tables in a New York City restaurant and notices that the three Japanese businessmen seated there are furiously masturbating. She yells, "What the hell do you guys think you are doing?" One of the Japanese men explains, "Can't you see? We are all berry hungry." The waitress begs the question, "So, how is whacking-off in the middle of the restaurant going to help that situation?" One of the other Japanese men replies, "The menu say,FIRST COME, FIRST SERVED!"

A blonde says to a brunette, ``Excuse me, but each time I sip my coffee, my eye seems to hurt.

Pig farmers have never done well in the United States. Most Americans prefer beef to pork. Hamburger is an American favorite but contains no ham. The porcine raisers were hopeful to see a significant increase in their business after the scares about health over beef, but most of the benefits had gone to the poultry and fish industries, Sale of ham and bacon remained virtually unchanged. Because of this, The National Porcine Association hired a major Madison Avenue advertising firm to boost sale of pork products. They decided on an intensive campaign to saturate magazines television and radio with ads urging people to eat pork patties. The campaign was given an extra boost when Congress was convinced to designate the second of February as the day when every family would be urged to eat pork sausage. That day would be celebrated nationally, of course, as ... Ground Hog Day.

Incontinence Hotline...Can you hold, please? Lysdexia: a peech imspediment we live to learn with... If only women came with pull-down menus and on-line help. Would the Standing Committee please sit down? 43.3% of statistics are meaningless! The difference between tax avoiding and evasion is 10 Years. Circular Definition: see Definition, Circular. Madness takes its toll; please have exact change... It said 'Insert disk #3', but only two will fit. For a REAL sponge cake, BORROW all the ingredients. Bacon & eggs - Hens are involved but pigs are committed. Which is the non-smoking lifeboat? |||||||\\\\____ The domino effect at work. Originality is the art of concealing your sources. Just fill out one simple form to win a Tax Audit! Paper clips are the larval stage of coat hangers.

Jewish Doctors The following quotes were taken from actual medical records from Israeli hospitals... • Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this lady pregnant. • She is numb from her toes down. • By the time he was admitted, his rapid heart had stopped and he was feeling better. • Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year. • On the second day the knee was better and on the third day it had completely disappeared. • She has had no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night. • The patient has been depressed ever since she began seeing me in 1983. • Patient was released to outpatient department without dressing. • I have suggested that he loosen his pants before standing and then, when he stands with the help of his wife, they should fall to the floor. • The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed. • Discharge status: Alive but without permission. • Healthy appearing decrepit 69 year-old male, mentally alert but forgetful. • The patient refused an autopsy. • The patient has no past history of suicides. • Patient has left his white blood cells at another hospital. • The patient`s past medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40 pound weight gain in the past three days. • She slipped on the ice and apparently her legs went in separate directions in early December. • The patient experienced sudden onset of severe shortness of breath with a picture of acute pulmonary oedema at home while having sex, which gradually deteriorated in the emergency room. • The patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch. • The patient was in his usual state of good health until his aeroplane ran out of gas and crashed. • When she fainted, her eyes rolled around the room.

After my check-up [My thanks to Daniel S for the following] Moshe and his friends Abe, Max and Nathan meet at Brent Cross shopping centre for a coffee - as they do every Monday. They sit down and Moshe starts to discuss the importance of regular medical check-ups. He asks his friends, "So when did you all last have a medical?" All reply it was years ago. So Moshe tells them of doctor Myers, a wonderful doctor he went to and who gave him the best examination he’s ever had. He suggests they each contact doctor Myers and book a check-up ASAP. They agree to do so and take down the doctor’s phone number. The following Monday, Moshe asks his friends, "Nu, how went the medicals?" "After my check-up," says Abe, "doctor Myers asked me how old I was. I said I was seventy and he said I could expect to live another 30 years. I was so relieved and happy to hear that." "After my check-up," says Max, "doctor Myers also asked me how old I was. When I said I was eighty he said I could expect to live another 20 years. You can’t believe how fantastic it was for an eighty-year old to hear that." Nathan is looking very sad and doesn’t say anything at first. But Moshe eventually persuades him to discuss how his medical went. "Being older than all of you," says Nathan, "I have been loathe to see a doctor. But when Moshe told us of doctor Myers, I reluctantly booked to see him. After my check-up, the doctor asked me how old I was. When I said I was ninety, he looked at me and said, ‘Thanks for coming. Have a nice day.’"

A Frenchman and an Italian were seated next to an Australian on an overseas flight. After a few cocktails, the men began discussing their home lives. "Last night I made love to my wife four times," the Frenchman bragged, "and this morning she made me delicious crepes and she told me how much she adored me." "Ah, last night I made love to my wife six times," the Italian responded, "and this morning she made me a wonderful omelet and told me she could never love another man." When the Australian remained silent, the Frenchman smugly asked, "And how many times did you make love to your wife last night?" "Once," he replied. "Only once?" the Italian arrogantly snorted. "And what did she say to you this morning?" "Don't stop."

A man walks up to the bar with an ostrich behind him, and as he sits, the bartender comes over, and asks for his order. The man says, "I'll have a beer," and turns to the ostrich. "What about you?" "I'll have a beer too," says the ostrich. The bartender pours the beer and says "That will be $3.40 please," and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out exact change for payment. The next day, the man and ostrich come again, and the man says "I'll have a beer," and the ostrich says, "I'll have the same." Once again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change. This becomes a routine until, late one evening, the two enter again. "The usual?" asks the bartender. "Well, it's close to last call, so I'll have a large scotch" says the man. "Same for me," says the ostrich. "That will be $7.20," says the bartender. Once again the man pulls exact change out of his pocket and places it on the bar. The bartender can't hold back his curiosity any longer. "Excuse me sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change out of your pocket every time?" "Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I just put my hand in my pocket, and the right amount of money will always be there." "That's brilliant!" says the bartender. "Most people would wish for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!" "That's right! Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there," says the man. The bartender asks, "One other thing, sir, what's with the ostrich?" The man replies "My second wish was for a chick with long legs."

There is a new trend in our office; everyone is putting names on their food. I saw it today, while I was eating a sandwich named Kevin.

Chuck Norris eats steel, bricks, and glass for breakfast. He also shits skyscrapers.

After drinking 5 cups of coffee, Chuck Norris stepped behind a tree and pissed so hard he knocked a Cessna 172 out of the air in mid flight.

The other day at work I ran into Bob. We chatted over lunch and he dropped a bombsell on me. "Rodney" he said, "Becky and I are going to get a divorce". I was stunned. "Why? What happened, you two seem so happy together" "Well" he said, "ever since we got married, my wife has tried to change me. She got me to stop drinking, smoking, running around at all hours of the night and more. She taught me how to dress well, enjoy the fine arts, gourmet cooking, classical music and how to invest in the stock market." "Are you a little bitter because she spent so much time trying to change you." I probed. "Nah, I'm not bitter. Now that I'm so improved, she just isn't good enough for me."