Doctor, doctor, I keep thinking I'm a slice of bread. Doctor: You've got to stop loafing around.

10 WAYS TO KNOW IF YOU HAVE PMS Everyone around you has an attitude problem. You're adding chocolate chips to your cheese omelet The dryer has shrunk every last pair of your jeans. Your husband is suddenly agreeing to everything you say. You're using your cellular phone to dial up every bumper sticker that says, "How's my driving - call 1-800-***-****." Everyone's head looks like an invitation to batting practice. You're convinced there's a God and he's male. You're counting down the days until menopause. You're sure that everyone is scheming to drive you crazy. The ibuprofen bottle is empty and you bought it yesterday.

How do you make a hamburger smile? Pickle it gently!

INTERVIEW WITH THE EASTER BUNNY * Written by John Scalzi With the possible exception of Santa Claus himself, there is not a busier mammal on the face of the earth than the Easter Bunny. Once a year, the Easter Bunny hops into the home of hundreds of millions of boys and girls all over the globe, dropping off chocolates, candy and eggs as part of the celebration of Easter. Joe Reporter spent a few minutes with the Easter Bunny as he was preparing for this year's task, for a tell-all, no-holds-barred interview. If you thought you knew the Easter Bunny, you just may be surprised. Joe Reporter: Thanks for talking to us. Easter Bunny: No problem. Do you mind if I eat while we talk? I've been in a rush recently. JOE: Go right ahead. We've got a list of questions here, compiled from our members, and I'll just go down the list if you don't mind. EB: Ready when you are. JOE: The first question comes from Ted, in Dayton, Ohio. He writes: "We all know that Santa's Workshop is located at the North Pole. Does the Easter Bunny have a workshop, and if so, where is it located?" EB: Well, Ted, the answer is yes, I do have a workshop. It's located in San Bernardino, California. JOE: San Bernardino? EB: That's right. JOE: You have to understand that most people would have figured some place like Easter Island. EB: Have you *been* to Easter Island? What a rock! It's the single most isolated piece of land on the planet. By the time we shipped fresh eggs there, we'd have chickens. Besides, San Bernardino has the sort of motivated labor pool we need. JOE: Elves? EB: Laid-off aerospace workers. JOE: They would seem to be a little overqualified. EB: Maybe. But now we have some lovely chocolate stealth bombers. JOE: Our next question comes from Cindy, in Tempe. She writes: "Why is the Easter Bunny a bunny? Why couldn't it have been the Easter Kitty, or the Easter Puppy?" EB: That's a very good question. In fact, in the late 70s, we as an organization decided to play around with the whole "bunny" thing by recruiting prominent local animals to deliver Easter baskets. In 1978, when the experiment was at its height, we had an Easter Bunny, an Easter Coyote, an Easter Manatee and an Easter Komodo Dragon. JOE: What happened? EB: It just didn't work out. The Komodo dragon ate the eggs, the coyote just flaked out, and the manatee, if I may say so, was just about as dumb as a stick. There were some other problems with the program, too. The less we talk about the whole Easter Man-Eating Bengali Swamp Tiger episode, the better. Now we stick with bunnies. We know bunnies. We can work with bunnies. Bunnies don't eat anyone. JOE: Bob in Honolulu asks: "Is there is just one Easter Bunny? Moreover, has the same Easter Bunny been the Easter Bunny for the last couple of millennia?" EB: The fact of the matter is that there are quite a few Easter Bunnies, and we've never made a secret about that. Unlike the Santa Claus operation, which works under the improbable assumption that one guy delivers all those presents - JOE: Are you saying that Santa is a sham? EB: I didn't say that. I never said that. What I am saying is that *we* don't work under the same sort of constraints. I mean, think about it. One bunny delivering baskets to several hundred million homes across the planet? The friction from the atmosphere alone would turn the poor guy into a bunny briquette. There'd be hideous charcoal smudges all over the baskets. "Easter Bunny" is a job description, not a proper name. It's like "Postal Carrier," except our employees very rarely become disgruntled. JOE: So why are you THE Easter Bunny? EB: Because I'm boss. You're not an Easter Bunny until I say you are. JOE: How does one become an Easter Bunny? EB: Well, it's not just hopping down the bunny trail, I'll tell you. First, for reasons already explained, you have to be a bunny. After that, we have a psychological evaluation and a battery of physical tests you have to pass. We can't.

Two guys were riding in a car, arguing about how to say the name of the city that they were in. One said "Louieville" and the other "Louiseville." They went on arguing and arguing, until they came upon a fast-food restaurant. The one guy goes inside and says to the waitress, "Tell me the name of the place where I am right now really, really, really slowly." The waitress goes, "Bur-ger-King."

I think a great gift for the President of the United States would be a chocolate gun. But since he is probably a very busy man, you will need to run up and hand it to him really fast.

Rabbis are just as fallible as we are Here are three ‘Freudian Slips’ supposedly made by rabbis: - 1. A rabbi wished someone in his congregation who was going in for a biopsy, "I hope you have a successful autopsy." 2. Another rabbi told his congregation, "I’m still a bit numb because yesterday, I was seduced by my dentist." 3. Yet another rabbi was very upset to hear that someone in his congregation had been seen drinking "Pork Wine."

A man walks into a restaurant and growls at the maitre d', "Do you serve crabs here?" the maitre d' responds "We serve anyone. Have a seat sir."

Waiter: "Tea or coffee, gentlemen?" 1st customer: "I'll have tea." 2nd customer: "Me, too - and be sure the glass is clean!" Waiter: "Two teas. Which one asked for the clean glass?"

There were three guys in a bar. Two are talking about the amount of control they have over their wives. The third remains silent. After a while, one of the first two turned to the third and sez "Well... What about you, what sort of control do you have over your wife?" "Well, on our honeymoon, I made damn sure my wife came to me on her hands and knees." he bragged and took another sip of beer. His friends were amazed! "What happened then?" they asked, almost in unison. "Well, then she said, 'Get the hell out from under that bed and fight like a man!' " he admitted.

You've probably heard of "deja vu," the illusion of having previously experienced a situation that is happening now. Here are some related expressions Feel like I've... ...milked this cow before: deja moo ...seen this strange animal before: deja gnu ...smelled this bad odor before: deja phew ...visited this menagerie before: deja zoo ...scared this person away before: deja boo ...read this mystery book before: deja clue ...been in this courtroom before: deja sue ...felt this bad before: deja rue ...felt this sad before: deja blue ...expanded this way before: deja grew ...seen this slime before: deja goo ...learned this stuff before: deja knew ...waited in line before: deja queue ...eaten this dinner before: deja stew ...pursued this person before: deja woo ...forgotten this your name before: deja who ...had this feeling of deja vu before: deja too ...seen these twins before: deja two ...used this beer recipe before: deja brew ...been on this airplane before: deja flew ...came up with this innovation before: deja new ...fed these pigeons before: deja coo ...sketched this portrait before: deja drew ...ended this relationship before: deja through ...felt this ill before: deja flu ...sheared this sheep before: deja ewe ...munched on this gum ball before: deja chew ...sat through this sermon before: deja pew ...played in this wet grass before: deja dew ...admired this scenery before: deja ooo ...lost it under the bed before: deja shoo ...exposed the real facts before: deja true.

Why did the web developer walk out of a restaurant in disgust? The seating was laid out in tables.

Once a person was eating a banana. But a guy went up to him and asked, "Where is Stanley Street? I want to know this because my name is Stanley Cup." So the person guided him to GM Place and said,"Bye!"

A guy walked into a tavern and sat down on a barstool. He ordered a beer and a shot glass of whiskey. The bartender was surprised to see him place the shot glass into the pocket of his overcoat. The man proceeded to drink his beer, then reached into his coat pocket and removed the shot glass, empty. He ordered another beer and shot glass of whiskey, and again placed the shot glass into his coat pocket. Again he removed the glass empty, then ordered another round. Overcome by curiosity, the bartender asked the man why he kept putting the shot glass into his pocket. "Oh," he said, "that's for the Colonel?" "The Colonel? Who's the Colonel?" The man reached into his pocket and removed a little man, about 12 inches high, dressed in the uniform of a British army colonel. He placed the little man on the counter. "Is he real?" asked the bartender. "Sure he's real. Colonel, would you mind walking up and down the bar a little way?" The little colonel marched briskly a few feet up the bar and turned around, then marched back to where the man sat. "That's the most amazing thing I've ever seen! Can he talk too?" "Of course he can talk," said the man. "Colonel, why don't you tell him about the time that you were stationed in Africa and called that witch doctor a liar?"

Woburn: In bars, it is illegal to "walk around" with a beer in your hand.

A farmer, who went to a big city to see the sights, asked the hotel's clerk about the time of meals. "Breakfast is served from 7 to 11, dinner from 12 to 3, and supper from 6 to 8," explained the clerk. "Look here," inquired the farmer in surprise, "when am I going to get time to see the city?"

Top Ten Inspirational Sayings We`d Like to See at the Nurse`s Station 10. Rome did not create a great empire by having meetings; they did it by killing all those who opposed them. 9. If at first you don`t succeed...try management. 8. TEAMWORK means never having to take all the blame yourself. 7. Hang in there...retirement is only 35 years away! 6. Go the extra mile...it makes your supervisor look incompetent. 5. When the going gets tough, the tough take a coffee break. 4. Administration...we waste time so you don`t have to. 3. The beatings will continue until morale improves. 2. A person who smiles in the face of adversity, probably has a scapegoat. 1. Succeed in spite of Administration.

You know you are addicted to coffee if ... You soak your dentures in coffee overnight.

A lady goes to the doctor and complains that her husband is losing interest in sex. The doctor gives her a pill, but warns her that it's still experimental. He tells her to slip it into his mashed potatoes at dinner, so that night, she does just that. About a week later, she’s back at the doctor, where she says, "Doc, the pill worked great! I put it in the potatoes like you said! It wasn't five minutes later that he jumped up, raked all the food and dishes onto the floor, grabbed me, ripped all my clothes off, and ravaged me right there on the table!" The doctor says, "I’m sorry, we didn’t realize the pill was that strong! The foundation will be glad to pay for any damages." "Nah," she says, "that's okay. We're never going back to that restaurant anyway."

Here's a handy guide to getting out those pesky fabric stains: Blood - Spill more blood around area of stain so it won't stand out as much. Ink - Fall to knees and plead, "Why, God, why? Why dost thou test me so?" Grass - Write the name of your liquid detergent on stain. Wash. Hold up to camera, and show off the unbelievable results. Mud - Place large iron-on NASCAR patch over stain. Apply heat for 60 seconds. Tomato Sauce - Take out the mook responsible for your tomato-sauce stain by executing him gangland-style in the back of the head. Capeche? Coffee - Rub cream and sugar into stain. Apply oral suction. Enjoy rich, robust coffee-stain flavor. Wine - Apply mixture of 1/2 rum and 1/2 Coke to self until you no longer care about some little freaking stain. Chewing Gum - Using permanent marker, draw dotted line around stain. Cut carefully on dotted line. Nail Polish - Nail-polish stains are actually quite lovely. Why not leave them in for a pleasing "homecrafted" look? Copyright 1998 Onion, Inc., All rights reserved.