Q: what did the grape say when the elephant trod on it? A Nothing, it just gave a little wine.

One day an old lady and an old man were sitting on their porch when the old lady says "Hey pa, why don't you run down to the restaurant and get us some ice cream." Pa said, "Ok I will go right now." Ma told him that she had better write it down for him, because he always forgets. He said no he would be fine, so off he went to the restaurant. When he got back he handed her a hamburger and she said "Dang it pa, I knew you would forget, I told you to get mustard on mine!"

A pastor's church was getting too large for him to cover all of the duties so he had a clone made of himself. All was going well, he could be in two hospitals at once praying for the sick, attend two meetings at the same time, this was his answer for his busy life. Suddenly, the genes went crazy and the cloned preacher's personality changed. He started making passes towards women, yelling at drivers who cut him off, and making obscene gestors. This concerned the pastor so he and the clone took a day off and went to the Sears Tower, ate lunch, and enjoyed the view from the top. While the clone was looking at the skyline through the telescope, the pastor pushed him over the side and that was the end of the clone. When the pastor left the building and walked past the crowd that had gathered, the police stopped him and placed him under arrest. "Under arrest"? What's the charge? Making an obscene clone fall.

Q: Why can't you tell an egg a joke? A: Because it will crack up.

The Chaplain had been assigned to the ship and he noticed how much grief the cooks caught from the crew and how they gave back as much as they got. He talked to the Food Service Officer and decided to talk to the cooks and get them to be more cheerful when they served the meals to the sailors coming down the line. A smile and a cheerful comment, a willingness to serve them will reap great benefits he told them. After his pep talk the Food Service Officer and the Chaplain stood back and watched the food being served. A new sailor aboard walked down the line but he didn't like anything he saw so he just carried his tray down the line till he got to the desert section. He picked up a saucer containing a large piece of chocolate cake. The Mess Specialist looked at him, "Is that all you're gonna eat?" he asked. The sailor said, "Yeah, the rest of it don't look too appetizing." The Mess Specialist smiled and said, "Well, in that case would you like two pieces of cake?" The Chaplain smiled and nudged the Food Service Officer in the ribs, "I told you my talk did them some good." The kid said, "Yeah, man, I'd appreciate it." The cook leaned over and cut the piece of cake on the tray in half.

The tailor [My thanks to Ronda Hegeman for the following joke] Old Avrahom was a poor tailor whose shop was next door to an upmarket French restaurant. Every day at lunch time, Avrahom would go out the back of his shop and eat his black bread and herring while smelling the wonderful odours coming from the restaurant`s kitchen. But one day, Avrahom was surprised to receive an invoice from the restaurant for ‘enjoyment of food’. So he went to the restaurant to point out that he had not bought anything from them. The manager said, "You’re enjoying our food, so you should pay us for it." Avrahom refused to pay and the restaurant sued him. At the hearing, the judge asked the restaurant to present their side of the case. The manager said, "Every day, this man comes and sits outside our kitchen and smells our food while eating his. It is clear that we are providing added value to his poor food and we deserve to be recompensed for it." The judge turns to Avrahom and said, "What do you have to say to that?" Avrahom didn’t say anything but stuck his hand in his pocket and rattled the few coins he had inside. The judge asked him, "What is the meaning of that?" Avrahom replied, "I’m paying for the smell of his food with the sound of my money."

In case you need further proof that the human race is doomed because of stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods.On a Sears hairdryer: Do not use while sleeping. .On a bag of Fritos: You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside. On a bar of Dial soap: "Directions: Use like regular soap." On some Swanson frozen dinners: "Serving suggestion: Defrost." .On Tesco`s Tiramisu dessert : "Do not turn upside down."! On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding: "Product will be hot after heating." On packaging for a Rowenta iron: "Do not iron clothes on body." On Boot`s Children Cough Medicine:"Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication." On Nytol Sleep Aid: "Warning: May cause drowsiness." On a Japanese food processor: "Not to be used for the other use." On Sunsbury`s peanuts: "Warning: contains nuts." On an American Airlines packet of nuts: "Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts." On a child`s superman costume: "Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly."On a Swedish chainsaw: "Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals."

Sarah Palin has hired Chuck Norris to prepare her Alaskan Thanksgiving Day dinner because he is the only person alive that can cram a 1,200 pound moose in her oven.

What happens if you play tabletennis with a bad egg? First it goes ping, then it goes pong.

An old Jewish man went to a diner every day for lunch. He always ordered the soup du jour. One day the manager asked him how he liked his meal. The old man replied , "Vas goot, but you could give a little more bread." So the next day the manager told the waitress to give him four slices of bread. "How was your meal, sir?" the manager asked. "Vas goot, but you could give a little more bread," came the reply. So the next day the manager told the waitress to give him eight slices of bread. "How was your meal today, sir?" the manager asked. "Vas goot, but you could give maybe a little more bread," came the reply. So...the next day the manager told the waitress to give him a whole loaf of bread with his soup. "How was your meal, sir?" the manager asked, when he came to hand him the bill. "Vas goot, but you could give maybe a little more bread," came the reply once again. The manager was obsessed with seeing this customer say that he is satisfied with his meal, so he went to the bakery, and ordered a six-foot-long loaf of bread. When the man came in as usual the next day, the waitress and the manager cut the loaf in half, buttered the entire length of each half, and laid it out along the counter, right next to his bowl of soup. The old man sat down, and devoured his bowl of soup, and both halves of the six-foot-long loaf of bread. The manager now thinks he will get the answer he is looking for, and when the old man came up to pay for his meal, the manager asked in the usual way, "How was your meal TODAY, sir?" The old Jew replied, "It vas goot as usual, but vy you are back to giving only two slices bread!"

You know you are addicted to coffee if ... The only time you`re standing still is during an earthquake.

An old man decided his old wife was getting hard of hearing. So he called her doctor to make an appointment to have her hearing checked. The Doctor said he could see her in two weeks, and meanwhile there's a simple, informal test the husband could do to give the doctor some idea of the dimensions of the problem. "Here's what you do. Start about 40 feet away from her, and speak in a normal conversational tone and see if she hears you. If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and so on until you get a response." So that evening she's in the kitchen cooking dinner, and he's in the living room, and he says to himself, "I'm about 40 feet away, let's see what happens." "Honey, what's for supper?" No response. So he moves to the other end of the room, about 30 feet away. "Honey, what's for supper?" No response. So he moves into the dining room, about 20 feet away. "Honey, what's for supper?" No response. On to the kitchen door, only 10 feet away. "Honey, what's for supper?". No response. So he walks right up behind her. "Honey, what's for supper?" "For the FIFTH time, CHICKEN!"

John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, between the legs of me wife!" That won him the top prize for the best toast of the night! He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the best toast of the night." She said, "Aye, what was your toast?" John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in Church beside me wife." "Oh that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said. The next day, Mary ran into one of John's toasting buddies on the street corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize, the other night, with a toast about you, Mary." She said, "Aye and I was a bit surprised me self! You know,he's only been there twice! Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come."

"First," said the playboy, "I'm going to buy you a few drinks and get you a bit loose." "Oh no you're not," said the girl. "Then I'll take you to dinner and ply you with a few more drinks." "Oh no you're not." "Then I'll take you to my place and keep serving you drinks." "Oh no you're not." "Then I'm going to make violent, passionate love to you." "Oh no you're not." "And I'm not going to wear a condom either!" said the guy. "Oh yes you are!" said the girl.

Who was the most famous pirate octopus? Captain Squid!

Top Ten Things to Describe a Stupid Person 1. A few crumbs short of a crouton. 2. A few clowns short of a circus. 3. A few fries short of a Happy Meal. 4. An experiment in Artificial Stupidity. 5. A few beers short of a six-pack. 6. A few peas short of a casserole. 7. The wheel`s spinning, but the hamster`s dead. 8. One Fruit Loop shy of a full bowl. 9. One taco short of a combination plate. 10. A few feathers short of a whole duck.

An old man and an old woman were sitting at the breakfast table on the morning of their 50th wedding anniversary. The old man said,"You know, 50 years ago, we were probably sitting here buck naked." The woman said, "Why don't we try that again?" So they stripped and sat down at the table again. Soon the old woman said, "Honey, my titties are as hot for you today as they were 50 years ago." The man replied, "Of course they are dear, one's in your oatmeal and the others in your coffee!"

A couple goes for a meal at a Chinese restaurant and orders the "Chicken Surprise." The waiter brings the meal, served in a lidded cast-iron pot. Just as the wife is about to serve herself, the lid of the pot rises slightly and she briefly sees two beady little eyes looking around before the lid slams back down. "Good grief, did you see that?" she asks her husband. He hasn't, so she asks him to look in the pot. He reaches for it and again the lid rises, and he sees two little eyes looking around before it slams down. Sputtering in a fit of pique, he calls the waiter over, describes what is happening, and demands an explanation! "Please sir," says the waiter, "what you order?" The husband replies, "Chicken Surprise." "Ah... so sorry," says the waiter, "I brought you Peeking Duck."

A Frenchman, an Italian and a Texan were discussing love-making. "Last night I made love to my wife three times" boasted the Frenchman. "She was in sheer ecstasy this morning..." "Ah, last night I made love to my wife six times", the Italian responded, "and this morning she made me a wonderful omelet and told me she could never love another man." When the Texan remained silent, the Frenchman smugly asked, "And how many times did you make love to your wife last night?" "Once." he replied. "Only once?" the Italian arrogantly snorted. "And what did she say to you this morning?" "Don't stop."

Where does Ice Cream go to school? Answer: Sundae School.