A little boy was lost at a large shopping mall A little boy was lost at a large shopping mall. He approached a uniformed policeman and said, "I've lost my dad!" The cop asked, "What's he like?" The little boy replied, "Beer and women with big boobs."

The following were actually taken from recent classified ads in newspapers: 1 MAN, 7 WOMAN HOT TUB -- $850/offer AMANA WASHER $100. OWNED BY CLEAN BACHELOR WHO SELDOM WASHED. SNOW BLOWER FOR SALE... ONLY USED ON SNOWY DAYS. FREE PUPPIES...PART GERMAN SHEPHERD - PART DOG 2 WIRE MESH BUTCHERING GLOVES: 1 5-finger, 1 3-finger, PAIR: $15 TICKLE ME ELMO, STILL IN BOX, COMES WITH IT'S OWN 1998 MUSTANG, 5L, AUTO, EXCELLENT CONDITION $6800 COWS, CALVES NEVER BRED... ALSO 1 GAY BULL FOR SALE. 83 TOYOTA HUNCHBACK -- $2000 STAR WARS JOB OF THE HUT -- $15 FREE PUPPIES: 1/2 COCKER SPANIEL - 1/2 SNEAKY NEIGHBOR'S DOG FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER. 8 YEARS OLD. UNPLEASANT LITTLE DOG. GERMAN SHEPHERD 85 lbs. NEUTERED. SPEAKS GERMAN. FREE. FULL SIZED MATTRESS. 20 YR WARRANTY. LIKE NEW. SLIGHT URINE SMELL. FREE 1 CAN OF PORK & BEANS WITH PURCHASE OF 3 BR 2 BATH HOME. FOR SALE: LEE MAJORS - $50 NORDIC TRACK $300 HARDLY USED. CALL CHUBBIE BILL'S SEPTIC CLEANING "WE HAUL AMERICAN MADE PRODUCTS" SHAKESPEARE'S PIZZA - FREE CHOPSTICKS HUMMELS - LARGEST SELECTION EVER "IF IT'S IN STOCK, WE HAVE IT!" HARRISBURG POSTAL EMPLOYEES GUN CLUB GEORGIA PEACHES- CALIFORNIA GROWN - 89 cents lb. NICE PARACHUTE: NEVER OPENED - USED ONCE - SLIGHTLY STAINED FREE: FARM KITTENS. READY TO EAT. AMERICAN FLAG - 60 STARS - POLE INCLUDED $100 TIRED OF WORKING FOR ONLY $9.75 PER HOUR? WE OFFER PROFIT SHARING AND FLEXIBLE HOURS. STARTING PAY: $7 - $9 PER HOUR. NOTICE: TO THE PERSON OR PERSONS WHO TOOK THE LARGE PUMPKIN ON HIGHWAY 87 NEAR SOUTHRIDGE STORAGE: PLEASE RETURN THE PUMPKIN AND BE CHECKED. PUMPKIN MAY BE RADIOACTIVE. ALL OTHER PLANTS IN VICINITY ARE DEAD. EXERCISE EQUIPMENT: QUEEN SIZE MATTRESS & BOX SPRINGS-$175. OUR SOFA SEATS THE WHOLE MOB AND IT'S MADE OF 100% ITALIAN LEATHER. JOINING NUDIST COLONY! MUST SELL WASHER & DRYER $300. GROUND BEAST: 99 cents lb. GAS CLOUD CLEARS OUT TACO BELL. OPEN HOUSE - BODY SHAPERS TONING SALON- FREE COFFEE & DONUTS FULLY COOKED BONELESS SMOKED MAN - $2.09 lb.

By Mikki Halpin and Victoria Maat www.thegeekhandbook.com So, your crush on the bass player from Vibrating Sandbox has finally died a whimpering death and you're wondering where to go from here. All the scenester dudes are either dating a series of interchangeable high-school riot grrrls in baby doll dresses and an overdose of manic panic, or permanently shacked up with some bitter old lady who pays all the bills. Which will it be, a wifely prison or a humiliating one night stand? Into this void of potential mates comes a man you may not have considered before, a man of substance, quietude and stability, a cerebral creature with a culture all his own. In short, a geek. Where The Geek Dude Lurks While they are often into alternative music, geek dudes tend not to go to shows too often. Instead you'll find them hanging out with their friends, discussing the latest hardware revolution or perfecting their Bill Gates impressions. You know how some people wear t-shirts with their favorite bands on them, thus showing that they went to certain shows? Well, geek dudes wear t-shirts with the logos of different software companies on them, thus showing that they are up on the latest, um, releases. A small, though convivial, rivalry may be detected here amongst the geek dudes. Try wearing one yourself and see if he strikes up a conversation. Of course the best way to meet a geek dude is through the Internet. All geeks harbor a secret fantasy about meeting some girl in cyberspace, carrying on an e-mail romance in which he has the chance to combine an activity he is comfortable with, computing, with one he is very uncomfortable with, socializing. To many geek dudes, cyberdating is just an advanced form of some kind of video game, but they are frustrated by a lack of players. Their lack is your strength. Imprinting You might notice that these men harbor some strange ideas about how the world works and some particularly strange ideas about women. There is a reason for this. Because they've had limited interpersonal experience, geek dudes must look elsewhere for behavior models. Lacking a real world social milieu, geeks often go through a transference stage with such narratives, and try to model their interactions on them. Thus, certain media images and themes come to have an overly cathected, metaphorized reality to them, while the rest of us view such programming as mere entertainment. Case in point, our next topic... The Trek factor If you're not up on your Star Trek, you can forget about getting or keeping a geek dude. And I'm not just talking vintage-era Captain Kirk and Spock either. You've got to be up on your The Next Generation, your Deep Space Nine, your Voyager. Armed with your own knowledge of Federation policies, you can better gauge when and how to act. For extra help in learning how to relate in their own language, check out the Klingon Language Institute. Once You've Nabbed Him Of course, catching that geek guy is only half the battle. Keeping him by your side is another story altogether. I was privileged to speak with Miss Victoria Maat, who not only got herself a geek guy but was also clever enough to marry him just a few short months ago. She interrupted her newlywed bliss to give us a few tips on the care and feeding of a geek man: Geeks are sensitive and caring lovers and husbands. If you can hang with the techno-lifestyle, they make the best mates. They are the most attractive people, not flashy or hunky, but the kind who get cuter and more alluring over time . Definitely give geeks a chance. Geek Cuisine Geeks tend towards packaged, junk foods since they prefer to work and think and aren't all that into cooking for themselves. Make sure that your geek understands that you are not merely a replicator, and provide him with home cooked food. A batch of chocolate chip cookies will let him know that you love him. You do have to monitor your geek for weight gain; however, remember that most of their days are spe.

... Bank Accounts. Without a lot of money, they don't generate much interest. ... Blenders. You need one, but you're not quite sure why. ... Chocolate Bars. Sweet, smooth, and they usually head right for your hips. ... Coffee. The best ones are rich, warm, and can keep you up all night long. ... Commercials. You can't believe a word they say. ... Computers. Hard to figure out and never have enough memory. ... Coolers. Load them with beer and you can take them anywhere. ... Copiers. You need them for reproduction, but that's about it. ... Curling Irons. They're always hot, and they're always in your hair. ... Government Bonds. They take so long to mature. ... Horoscopes. They always tell you what to do and are usually wrong. ... Lava Lamps. Fun to look at, but not all that bright. ... Mascara. They usually run at the first sign of emotion. ... Popcorn. They satisfy you, but only for a little while.

Chuck Norris can eat tomato soup with chopsticks.

Passenger: Does this bus go to London? Conductor: No. Passenger: But it says London on the front. Conductor: There's an advertisement for baked beans on the side, but we don't sell them!

Three brothers wanted to give their blind mom a birthday gift. The first got her a big beautiful house. The second got her a brand new luxury vehicle with a driver. The third got her a talking parrot to keep her company. When they all got together, they wanted to know which gift she liked best. She said they were all great but she thanked her third son because she liked the chicken dinner best.

Chuck norris eats "man bear pig" bacon for breakfast with al gore blood v8 juice.

Two Tourists Two tourists were driving through Wisconsin. As they were approaching Oconomowoc, they started arguing about the pronunciation of the town's name. They argued back and forth until they stopped for lunch. As they stood at the counter, one tourist asked the blonde employee. "Before we order, could you please settle an argument for us? Would you please pronounce where we are... very slowly? The blonde girl leaned over the counter and said, Burrrrrr, gerrrrrr, Kiiiing."

Doctor, doctor, I keep thinking I'm a slice of bread. Doctor: You've got to stop loafing around.

10 WAYS TO KNOW IF YOU HAVE PMS Everyone around you has an attitude problem. You're adding chocolate chips to your cheese omelet The dryer has shrunk every last pair of your jeans. Your husband is suddenly agreeing to everything you say. You're using your cellular phone to dial up every bumper sticker that says, "How's my driving - call 1-800-***-****." Everyone's head looks like an invitation to batting practice. You're convinced there's a God and he's male. You're counting down the days until menopause. You're sure that everyone is scheming to drive you crazy. The ibuprofen bottle is empty and you bought it yesterday.

How do you make a hamburger smile? Pickle it gently!

INTERVIEW WITH THE EASTER BUNNY * Written by John Scalzi With the possible exception of Santa Claus himself, there is not a busier mammal on the face of the earth than the Easter Bunny. Once a year, the Easter Bunny hops into the home of hundreds of millions of boys and girls all over the globe, dropping off chocolates, candy and eggs as part of the celebration of Easter. Joe Reporter spent a few minutes with the Easter Bunny as he was preparing for this year's task, for a tell-all, no-holds-barred interview. If you thought you knew the Easter Bunny, you just may be surprised. Joe Reporter: Thanks for talking to us. Easter Bunny: No problem. Do you mind if I eat while we talk? I've been in a rush recently. JOE: Go right ahead. We've got a list of questions here, compiled from our members, and I'll just go down the list if you don't mind. EB: Ready when you are. JOE: The first question comes from Ted, in Dayton, Ohio. He writes: "We all know that Santa's Workshop is located at the North Pole. Does the Easter Bunny have a workshop, and if so, where is it located?" EB: Well, Ted, the answer is yes, I do have a workshop. It's located in San Bernardino, California. JOE: San Bernardino? EB: That's right. JOE: You have to understand that most people would have figured some place like Easter Island. EB: Have you *been* to Easter Island? What a rock! It's the single most isolated piece of land on the planet. By the time we shipped fresh eggs there, we'd have chickens. Besides, San Bernardino has the sort of motivated labor pool we need. JOE: Elves? EB: Laid-off aerospace workers. JOE: They would seem to be a little overqualified. EB: Maybe. But now we have some lovely chocolate stealth bombers. JOE: Our next question comes from Cindy, in Tempe. She writes: "Why is the Easter Bunny a bunny? Why couldn't it have been the Easter Kitty, or the Easter Puppy?" EB: That's a very good question. In fact, in the late 70s, we as an organization decided to play around with the whole "bunny" thing by recruiting prominent local animals to deliver Easter baskets. In 1978, when the experiment was at its height, we had an Easter Bunny, an Easter Coyote, an Easter Manatee and an Easter Komodo Dragon. JOE: What happened? EB: It just didn't work out. The Komodo dragon ate the eggs, the coyote just flaked out, and the manatee, if I may say so, was just about as dumb as a stick. There were some other problems with the program, too. The less we talk about the whole Easter Man-Eating Bengali Swamp Tiger episode, the better. Now we stick with bunnies. We know bunnies. We can work with bunnies. Bunnies don't eat anyone. JOE: Bob in Honolulu asks: "Is there is just one Easter Bunny? Moreover, has the same Easter Bunny been the Easter Bunny for the last couple of millennia?" EB: The fact of the matter is that there are quite a few Easter Bunnies, and we've never made a secret about that. Unlike the Santa Claus operation, which works under the improbable assumption that one guy delivers all those presents - JOE: Are you saying that Santa is a sham? EB: I didn't say that. I never said that. What I am saying is that *we* don't work under the same sort of constraints. I mean, think about it. One bunny delivering baskets to several hundred million homes across the planet? The friction from the atmosphere alone would turn the poor guy into a bunny briquette. There'd be hideous charcoal smudges all over the baskets. "Easter Bunny" is a job description, not a proper name. It's like "Postal Carrier," except our employees very rarely become disgruntled. JOE: So why are you THE Easter Bunny? EB: Because I'm boss. You're not an Easter Bunny until I say you are. JOE: How does one become an Easter Bunny? EB: Well, it's not just hopping down the bunny trail, I'll tell you. First, for reasons already explained, you have to be a bunny. After that, we have a psychological evaluation and a battery of physical tests you have to pass. We can't.

Two guys were riding in a car, arguing about how to say the name of the city that they were in. One said "Louieville" and the other "Louiseville." They went on arguing and arguing, until they came upon a fast-food restaurant. The one guy goes inside and says to the waitress, "Tell me the name of the place where I am right now really, really, really slowly." The waitress goes, "Bur-ger-King."

I think a great gift for the President of the United States would be a chocolate gun. But since he is probably a very busy man, you will need to run up and hand it to him really fast.

Rabbis are just as fallible as we are Here are three ‘Freudian Slips’ supposedly made by rabbis: - 1. A rabbi wished someone in his congregation who was going in for a biopsy, "I hope you have a successful autopsy." 2. Another rabbi told his congregation, "I’m still a bit numb because yesterday, I was seduced by my dentist." 3. Yet another rabbi was very upset to hear that someone in his congregation had been seen drinking "Pork Wine."

A man walks into a restaurant and growls at the maitre d', "Do you serve crabs here?" the maitre d' responds "We serve anyone. Have a seat sir."

Waiter: "Tea or coffee, gentlemen?" 1st customer: "I'll have tea." 2nd customer: "Me, too - and be sure the glass is clean!" Waiter: "Two teas. Which one asked for the clean glass?"

There were three guys in a bar. Two are talking about the amount of control they have over their wives. The third remains silent. After a while, one of the first two turned to the third and sez "Well... What about you, what sort of control do you have over your wife?" "Well, on our honeymoon, I made damn sure my wife came to me on her hands and knees." he bragged and took another sip of beer. His friends were amazed! "What happened then?" they asked, almost in unison. "Well, then she said, 'Get the hell out from under that bed and fight like a man!' " he admitted.

You've probably heard of "deja vu," the illusion of having previously experienced a situation that is happening now. Here are some related expressions Feel like I've... ...milked this cow before: deja moo ...seen this strange animal before: deja gnu ...smelled this bad odor before: deja phew ...visited this menagerie before: deja zoo ...scared this person away before: deja boo ...read this mystery book before: deja clue ...been in this courtroom before: deja sue ...felt this bad before: deja rue ...felt this sad before: deja blue ...expanded this way before: deja grew ...seen this slime before: deja goo ...learned this stuff before: deja knew ...waited in line before: deja queue ...eaten this dinner before: deja stew ...pursued this person before: deja woo ...forgotten this your name before: deja who ...had this feeling of deja vu before: deja too ...seen these twins before: deja two ...used this beer recipe before: deja brew ...been on this airplane before: deja flew ...came up with this innovation before: deja new ...fed these pigeons before: deja coo ...sketched this portrait before: deja drew ...ended this relationship before: deja through ...felt this ill before: deja flu ...sheared this sheep before: deja ewe ...munched on this gum ball before: deja chew ...sat through this sermon before: deja pew ...played in this wet grass before: deja dew ...admired this scenery before: deja ooo ...lost it under the bed before: deja shoo ...exposed the real facts before: deja true.