A man goes into a fish n chip shop with a salmon under his arm. He asks `Do you sell fish cakes here?` `No` was the reply. `Shame, it`s his birthday.

Retirement activities Arnold is doing some shopping at Brent Cross Shopping Centre when he meets Lionel. They haven’t seen each other for many years. "So what are you doing with yourself these days, Lionel?" asks Arnold. "Well," replies Lionel, "I used to work for Rothschilds Bank but I retired last year." "Lucky old you," says Arnold, "so what do you do with yourself all day?" "I get up late each morning," replies Lionel, "have my breakfast and then lie down on my veranda and relax. At midday, I go inside for some lunch. Then I go outside and lie on my veranda again. At the end of the day, I have dinner and drink only the finest of wines. Then I light up a good cigar. Later on, I go lie on my veranda again." "Wow," says Arnold, "that sounds fantastic to me. I envy you. Please God I should make enough money to retire soon." When Arnold gets home, he tells his wife Naomi all about his conversation with Lionel. After hearing Arnold’s story, Naomi asks, "Did he tell you his wife`s name?" "I`m not sure," replies Arnold, "but I think it`s Veranda."

Scientist revealed that beer contains small traces of female hormones. To prove their theory, they fed 100 men 12 pints of beer and observed that 100 percent of them gained weight, talked incessantly without making sense, and couldn`t drive. "No further testing is planned.

Yo momma is so greasy that I buttered my popcorn with her leg hairs.

A guy is going on an ocean cruise and he tells his doctor that he's worried about getting seasick. The doctor suggests, ''Eat two pounds of stewed tomatoes before you leave the dock.'' The guy replies, ''Will that keep me from getting sick, Doc?'' The doctor says, "No, but it'll look really pretty in the water.''.

"What's the matter with your dinner?" "Can you describe it for me please in case I need to tell my doctor later what I've eaten!"

A Jewish man took his Passover lunch to eat outside in the park. He sat down on a bench and began eating. A little while later a blind man came by and sat down next to him. Feeling neighborly, the Jewish man passed a sheet of matzo to the blind man. The blind man handled the matzo for a few minutes, looked puzzled, and finally exclaimed, "Who wrote this stuff?"

Johnny: Daddy, are caterpillars good to eat? Father: Have I not told you never to mention such things during meals! Mother: Why did you say that, Junior? Why did you ask the question? Johnny: It's because I saw one on daddy's lettuce, but now it's gone.

There were two buddies, one with a Doberman Pinscher and the other with a Chihuahua. The guy with the Doberman Pinscher says to his friend, "Let's go over to that restaurant and get something to eat." The guy with the Chihuahua says, "We can't go in there. We've got dogs with us." The buddy with the Doberman Pinscher says, "Just follow my lead." They walk over to the restaurant, the guy with the Doberman Pinscher puts on a pair of dark glasses and he starts to walk in. The bouncer at the door says, "Sorry, mac, no pets allowed." The man with the Doberman Pinscher says, "You don't understand. This is my seeing-eye-dog." The bouncer says, "A Doberman Pinscher?" He answers, "Yes, they're using them now; they're very good and protect me from robbers, too." The man at the door says, "Come on in." The buddy with the Chihuahua figures, "What the heck," so he puts on a pair of dark glasses and starts to walk in. Once again the bouncer says, "Sorry, pal, no pets allowed." The guy with the Chihuahua says, "You don't understand. This is my seeing-eye dog." The bouncer at the door says, "A Chihuahua?" The man with the Chihuahua says, "A Chihuahua? They gave me a Chihuahua?!"

A little change On his way back from work one evening, Benny gets hit by a car as he crosses Threadneedle Street and is knocked unconscious. To the bystanders, he looks in a bad way. A Priest happens to be passing and not knowing Benny’s religion, administers last rites. But immediately, Benny`s eyes open and he’s quickly fully awake. "What were you saying to me?" asks Benny. The Priest tells him about the last rites. "I suppose a little bit of a different religion won’t hurt," says Benny, "thanks." Benny can’t wait to tell his family about his experience. When he gets home, he says to his wife, "Yetta, you won`t believe what’s just happened to me." But she tells him, "Later, Benny, later. I don`t have time. I’m late for my supervision meeting. I’ve left your dinner in the oven. See you later." So Benny goes up to his daughter’s room and says, "Leah, you won`t believe what’s just happened to me." But she says, "Sorry, Dad, I’m on the phone planning my weekend. Could you please come back later, and close the door behind you, will you." He then goes to look for his son who he finds driving the car out the garage. "Maurice, you won`t believe what’s just happened to me." But his son says, "Dad, I’m late for a date. I need the car and some money. Can you lend me £100 please? I’ll talk to you tomorrow." So Benny goes back into his house, shakes his head and says, "I’ve only been a gentile for two hours and already I hate three Jews."

Bill Clinton and Al Gore go into a local diner for lunch. As they read the menu the waitress comes over and askes Clinton, "Are you ready to order?" Clinton replies, "Yes, I'd like a quickie." "A quickie?!?" the waitress replies. "Sir, given the current situation of your personal life I don't think that is a good idea. I'll come back when you are ready to order from the menu." She walks away. Gore leans over to Clinton and says, "It's pronounced Quiche."

Bragging A Frenchman and an Italian were seated next to an American on an overseas flight. After a few cocktails, the men began discussing their home lives. "Last night I made love to my wife four times," the Frenchman bragged, "And this morning she made me delicious crepes and she told me how much she adored me." "Ah, last night I made love to my wife six times," the Italian responded, "And this morning she made me a wonderful omelet and told me she could never love another man." When the American remained silent, the Frenchman smugly asked, "And how many times did you make love to your wife last night?" "Once," he replied. "Only once?" the Italian arrogantly snorted. "And what did she say to you this morning?" "Don't stop."

A young couple got married. When the wife prepared to bake a ham to celebrate their first Thanksgiving, she carefully cut off each end before placing it in the pan.Her husband asked her why she did that and she replied, "I don`t know - it`s what my mother always did. But I can ask her."She called Mom, who responded, "I always saw your Grandma do it, so I did the same."They decided to check further, so the young woman called Grandma, who explained, "It was the only way I could get it to fit into my pan."

Computer Ease! The following are new Windows messages that are under consideration for the planned Windows 2000: 1. Smash forehead on keyboard to continue. 2. Enter any 11-digit prime number to continue. 3. Press any key to continue or any other key to quit. 4. Press any key except ... no, No, NO, NOT THAT ONE! 5. Press Ctrl-Alt-Del now for IQ test. 6. Close your eyes and press escape three times. 7. Bad command or file name! Go stand in the corner. 8. This will end your Windows session. Do you want to play another game? 9. Windows message: "Error saving file! Format drive now? " 10. This is a message from God Gates: "Rebooting the world. Please log off." 11. To "shut down" your system, type "WIN." 12. BREAKFAST.SYS halted... Cereal port not responding. 13. COFFEE.SYS missing... Insert cup in cup holder and press any key. 14. CONGRESS.SYS corrupted... Reboot Washington D. C? 15. File not found. Should I fake it? 16. Bad or missing mouse. Spank the cat? 17. Runtime Error 6D at 417A: 32CF: Incompetent User. 18. Error reading FAT record: Try the SKINNY one? 19. WinErr 16547: LPT1 not found. Use backup. 20. User Error: Replace user. 21. Windows VirusScan 1.0 - "Windows found: Remove it? " 22. Welcome to Microsoft's World - Your Mortgage is Past Due... 23. If you are an artist, you should know that Bill Gates owns you and all your future creations. Doesn't it feel nice to have security? 24. Your hard drive has been scanned and all stolen software titles have been deleted. The police are on the way.

A family of tortoises went into a cafe for some ice cream. They sat down and were about to start when father tortoise said , "I think its going to rain, Junior, will you pop home and fetch my umbrella?"So off went Junior for father's umbrella,but three days later he still hadn't returned. " I think , dear," said mother tortoise to father tortoise,"that we had better eat Juniors ice cream before it melts." And a voice from the door said,"If you do that I won't go."

Four high school boys afflicted with spring fever skipped morning classes. After lunch they reported to the teacher that they had a flat tire. Much to their relief she smiled and said: "Well, you missed a test today so take seats apart from one another and take out a piece of paper." Still smiling, she waited for them to sit down. Then she said: "First Question: Which tire was flat?"

3 men were locked up in jail for 100 years for some terrible crime. They could all have one thing each in jail. The first guy wanted beer, the second guy wanted naked woman and the third guy wanted marijuana. 100 years later they checked up on them. The first guy said "oh gosh no more beer, full, drunk." The second guy said "oh, the woman fight, well im going gay." Then the third guy said "Does anyone have a lighter?"

A Russian, an Italian and an Irishman got out of work and were deciding where to go for a drink. The Irishman said "Let's all go to O'Learys. With every third round, the bartender will give each of us a free Guiness." The Italian said "That sounds good, but if we go to Baldini's with every third round they bring a free bottle of wine to the table." The Russian said "That sounds fine but if we go to Gouvstof's we drink for free all night and then go out into the parking lot and get laid." "That sounds to good to be true!" the Irishman exclaimed. "Have you actually been there?" "No," the Russian replied, "but my wife goes there all the time."

1. You just tried to enter your password on the microwave. 2. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of three. 3. You call your son's beeper to let him know it's time to eat. He emails you back from his bedroom, "What's for dinner?" 4. Your daughter sells Girl Scout Cookies via her web site. 5. You chat several times a day with a stranger from South Africa, but you haven't spoken with your next door neighbor this year. 6. You check the ingredients on a can of chicken noodle soup to see if it contains Echinacea. 7. Your grandmother asks you to send her a JPEG file of your newborn so she can create a screen saver. 8. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is home. 9. Every commercial on television has a web-site address at the bottom of the screen. 10. You buy a computer and 6 months later it is out of date and now sells for half the price you paid. 11. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn't have the first 20 or 30 years of your life, is cause for panic and turning around to go get it. 12. Using real money, instead of credit or debit, to make a purchase would be a hassle and take planning. 13. Cleaning up the dining room means getting the fast food bags out of the back seat of your car. 14. Your reason for not staying in touch with family is that they do not have e-mail addresses. 15. You consider second-day air delivery painfully slow. 16. Your dining room table is now your flat filing cabinet. 17. Your idea of being organized is multiple-colored Post-it notes. 18. You hear most of your jokes via e-mail instead of in person. 19. You get an extra phone line so you can get phone calls. 20. You disconnect from the Internet and get this awful feeling, as if you just pulled the plug on a loved one. 21. You get up in morning and go online before getting your coffee. 22. You wake up at 2 am to go to the bathroom and check your E-mail on your way back to bed. 23. You start tilting your head sideways to smile. :) 24. You're reading this. 25. Even worse; you're going to forward it to someone else.

How rich is rich? The story is told that Lord Rothschild and Sir Isaac Wolfson met one day in the City. During a pleasant conversation, they decided to treat themselves each to a new Rolls Royce and so they took a taxi to the nearest RR showroom. When they got there, they both fell in love with the same pale blue Rolls Royce Ecstasy on display. But there was only one of these cars in the showroom. The sales manager heard what was going on and said to the two famous millionaires, “It’s not a problem, gentlemen. If you both want one, I can get another pale blue Ecstasy from our other branch here within 45 minutes.” “OK,” said Lord Rothschild, “get it. In the meantime, we’re going for a coffee.” When they returned to the showroom, there stood two beautiful, gleaming, pale blue Rolls Royce Ecstasy saloons. Sir Isaac took out his chequebook but before he could open it, Lord Rothschild waved it away and said, “I wouldn’t hear of it, my dear fellow. These are on me – you paid for the coffees.