An average person in the U.S. eats 35 tons of food in a lifetime.

You think John the Baptist started the SBC. You think God's presence is strongest on the back three pews. You think "Amazing Grace" is the national anthem. You judge the quality of the sermon by the amount of sweat worked up by the preacher. Your definition of fellowship has something to do with food. You ever wondered when Lottie Moon and Annie Armstrong would get paid off. You honestly believe that the Apostle Paul spoke King James English. You think worship music has to be loud. You think Jesus actually used Welch's grape juice and saltine crackers. You judge the quality of a service by its length. You ever wake up in the middle of the night craving fried chicken and interpret that feeling as a call to preach. You believe that you are supposed to take a covered dish to heaven. You have never sung the third verse of any hymn. You have never put an IOU in the offering plate. You think someone who says "Amen" while the preacher is preaching might be a Charismatic. You complain that the pastor only works one day and then he works too long. You clapped in church and felt guilty about it all week. You are old enough to get a senior discount at the pharmacy, but not old enough to promote to the Senior Adult Sunday School; you think the only promotion after that is the cemetery. You are upset that Joshua brought down the wall of Jericho and think that the deacons should recommend that the church pay for it to prevent a general ruckus. You are upset that the last hymn in the new hymnal is numbered "666." You happen to know that Lottie Moon is not a member of the Unification Church. You wonder when they are ever going to get that Cooperative Program thing paid for. Original author unknown.