A sandwich walks into a bar. The barman says: "Sorry, we don't serve food in here."

Many of us have been there. Something just doesn't click with the new boss. Or maybe we're just horribly incompetent, or miserably incapable of performing up to standard. Whatever the reason, sometimes in our lives, we've got to calculate the odds of being canned. Take this quiz and find out you chances of survival in the job world. 1. The boss appears at your cubicle and finds you playing DOOM at your desk. You... A: swear to take the game off your hard drive forever, but first make a copy for his kid. B) inform him that you're planting a virus in the program so that everyone who plays it on company time will get reported to Human Resources. C) Tell him that whatever he wants will have to wait until you've finished the level. 2. There's a cush job opening in the mail department, stuffing envelopes with free samples. It pays twice as much as your current position. What do you do? A: Meekly suggest to your boss that transferring you might improve the morale of everyone who's been working with you. B) Politely ask your boss for a transfer and offer to split the salary increase 50/50 with him. C) Barge into your boss's office and demand reassignment so that you, "Won't have to work under someone who should have retired before he became a laughing-stock." 3. When your boss throws a party and invites everyone in the office except you, what do you do? A: Stay home and watch 'I Love Lucy' reruns. B) Show up at the party anyway, with a really expensive bottle of wine and a briefcase full of small, unmarked bills. C) Go over to your boss's house after everyone has left and throw rocks at the windows, shouting obscenities. 4. Your boss criticizes your work unjustly; what do you do? A: Listen politely, and then apologize. B) Blame someone else. C) Climb on top of your desk, and hold up a piece of paper on which you've written the word "union." 5. When the CEO parks his car in your spot, you... A: Wash and wax it, then leave your business card under the windshield wiper. B) Key it ... then tell the CEO's secretary you saw your boss near it, loitering suspiciously. C) Key it ... then proudly tell the CEO's secretary that you did it. 6. Your boss asks you to play Kooky the Clown for his kid's fifth birthday party, what do you do? A: Offer to pay for the costume rental and cake, too. B) Agree to do it, then blackmail a co-workers into doing it while pretending to be you. C) Agree to do it, then show up as yourself and tell the children that Kooky is dead. 7. Your boss' gorgeous daughter comes on to you. How do you react? A: Tell her that you feel it would be unethical for you to date the boss's daughter, but that you would be honored to pay for her to go to the movie by herself. B) Slip her a mickey, then marry her before she sobers up. C) Tell her you would love to go out with her, because you like cheap women, but you prefer them to be at least slightly attractive. 8. The boss accuses you of not keeping the office clean. You... A: clean the office while he supervises. B) tell him that you delegated the job, then fire the underling you supposedly gave the job to. C) clean the office again, but this time, you use your boss' face. -- SCORING -- Mostly A's: You have nothing to worry about. They'll never fire you because you're a doormat. Mostly B's: You're not just going to keep your job, with your complete disregard for other peoples feelings, you'll positively shoot up the ladder of success. Congratulations! You're a real jerk. Mostly C's: You are a career kamikaze. The boss would have fired you long ago, but he's terrified of what you might do.

The last time Chuck Norris was invited to the White House, the invitation said 'come as you are', so that's how he went - wearing nothing but a pair of assless chaps and a beer.

I came across this phrase in a book yesterday: "FENDER SKIRTS". A term I haven't heard in a long time and thinking about "fender skirts" started me thinking about other words that quietly disappear from our language with hardly a notice. Like "curb feelers" and "steering knobs." Since I'd been thinking of cars, my mind naturally went that direction first. Kids, you will probably have to find some elderly person over 50 to explain some of these terms to you. Remember "Continental kits?" They were rear bumper extenders and spare tire covers that were supposed to make any car as cool as a Lincoln Continental. When did we quit calling them "emergency brakes?" At some point "parking brake" became the proper term. But I miss the hint of drama that went with "emergency brake." Didn't you ever wait at the street for your dad to come home, so you could ride the "running board" up to the house? Here's a phrase I heard all the time in my youth but never anymore - "store-bought." Of course, just about everything is store-bought these days. But once it was bragging material to have a store-bought dress or a store-bought bag of candy. "Coast to coast" is a phrase that once held all sorts of excitement and now means almost nothing. Now we take the term "world wide" for granted. This floors me. On a smaller scale, "wall-to-wall" was once a magical term in our homes. In the '50s, everyone covered his or her hardwood floors with, wow, wall-to-wall carpeting! Today, everyone replaces their wall-to-wall carpeting with hardwood floors. Go figure. Most of these words go back to the '50s, but here's a pure-'60s word I came across the other day - "rat fink." Ooh, what a nasty put-down! Here's a word I miss - "percolator." That was just a fun word to say. And what was it replaced with? "Coffee maker." How dull. Mr. Coffee, I blame you for this. I miss those made-up marketing words that were meant to sound so modern and now sound so retro. Words like "DynaFlow" and "Electrolux." Introducing the 1963 Admiral TV, now with "SpectraVision!" Food for thought - Was there a telethon that wiped out lumbago? Nobody complains of that anymore. Maybe that's what castor oil cured, because I never hear mothers threatening kids with castor oil anymore. Some words aren't gone, but are definitely on the endangered list. The one that grieves me most "supper." Now everybody says "dinner." Save a great word. Invite someone to supper. Discuss fender skirts. Someone forwarded this to me. I thought some of us of a "certain age" would remember most of these. So, just for fun, Pass it along to others of "a certain age."

NOTICE OF REVOCATION OF INDEPENDENCE To the citizens of the United States of America, In the light of your failure to elect anybody as President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves and, by extension, the free world, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective today. Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchial duties over all states, commonwealths and other territories including New Jersey. To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, please comply with the following acts: 1. Look up "revocation" in the now official Oxford Dictionary . Start spelling English words correctly. 2. Learn at least the first 4 lines of "God Save The Queen" 3. Start referring to "soccer" as football 4. Declare war on Quebec and France 5. Arrest Mel Gibson for treason 6. Close down the NFL. Learn to play rugby 7. Enjoy warm flat beer and steak and kidney pudding. Train waitresses to be more aggressive with customers and not to tell you their names before you eat. 8. July 4th is no longer a public holiday, this has been replaced with November 5th 9. All members of this British Crown Dependency will be required to take 6 weeks annual vacation and observe statutory tea breaks. 10. Driving on the left is now compulsory - recall all cars to effect the change immediately. 11. Report to our Consulate General in NY - M Wragg - for your new passport and job allocation. 12. Have Meg Ryan report to the Prince Andrews Bedchamber. 13. Add the Royal insignia to the top of the Washington Monument - and the Queens Christmas speeches to the Lincoln Memorial. 14. Stop referring to the World Series of Baseball and instead call it the National Series of USA, Cuba and Japan. Tax collectors from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisiton of all revenues due . Thank you for your cooperation and have a nice day!

Recently scientists revealed that beer contains small traces of female hormones. To prove their theory, the scientists fed 100 men twelve bottles of beer each. The scientists observed that 100% of the male test group gained weight, talked excessively without making sense, became emotional, and couldn't drive. No further testing is planned.

A sweet little boy surprised his grandmother one morning and brought her a cup of coffee. He made it himself and was so proud. He anxiously waited to hear the verdict on the quality of the coffee. The grandmother had never in her life had such a bad cup of coffee, and as she forced down the last sip she noticed three of those little green army guys in the bottom of the cup. She asked, "Honey, why would three little green army guys be in the bottom of my cup?" Her grandson replied, "You know grandma, it's like on TV... 'The best part of waking up is soldiers in your cup.' "

You have lost at least one tooth opening a beer bottle.

An Australian man was sitting in his favorite restaurant when a Japanese bloke said to him, "I am sick of seeing your big round eyes." The Australian replied, "Put on a blind fold." The Japanese man asked, "Where do I get one? The Australian then said, "Here take my shoe lace."

Three men were sitting together bragging about how they had told their new wives what their household duties were to be. The first man had married a woman from Tennessee. He bragged that he had told his wife she was going to do all the dishes and house cleaning. He said it took a couple days, but on the third day he came home to a clean house and the dishes were done. The second man had married a woman from Florida. He bragged that he had given his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes and the cooking. On the first day he didn't see any results, but the next day it was better. By the third day, his house was clean, the dishes were done and he had a huge dinner on the table. The third man married a girl from Long Island. He boasted that he told her that her duties were to keep the house clean, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed and hot meals on the table for every meal. He said the first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything but by the third day most of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye just enough to fix himself a bite to eat, load the dishwasher, find a cleaning lady, and telephone a landscaper.

A cowboy rode into town and stopped at the saloon for a drink. Unfortunately, the locals always had a habit of picking on newcomers. When he finished, he found his horse had been stolen.He comes back into the bar, handily flips his gun into the air, catches it above his head without even looking and fires a shot into the ceiling. "Who stole my horse?" he yelled with surprising forcefulness.No one answered."I`m gonna have another beer and if my horse ain`t back outside by the time I`m finished, I`m gonna do what I dun back in Texas and I don`t want to have to do what I dun back in Texas!"Some of the locals shifted restlessly.He had another beer, walked outside, and his horse was back! He saddled up and started to ride out of town.The bartender wandered out of the bar and asked, "Say partner, what happened in Texas?"The cowboy turned back and said, "I had to walk home!"

An American, a Vietnamese, a Mexican, a Brazilian, a Canadian, a German, a Turk, and a Russian walk into a fancy restaurant. When they got to the front desk, they were kicked out because they did not have a Thai.

Q: what did the nacho say to the taco? A: I"m nacho friend.

1. Announce that you would like to start a new family tradition, and proceed to take off your clothes at the dinner table. 2. Open the oven, shove hunks of velveeta into the turkey while it cooks. Tell mom it adds the coolest flavor. 3. Whenever someone at the table says a word beginning with the letter R, make a loud "BUZZ"ing noise. 4. Bring along old recorded football games, pop them in the VCR when Dad's not looking. 5. Suck your cranberry sauce loudly through a straw. 6. Hold your nose while you eat. 7. Recite the tragic and abusive conditions known to exist at turkey farms. 8. Mid-meal turn to mom and say, "See Mom, I told you they wouldn't notice, you were worried for nothing." 9. Load your plate up high, then take it to the kitchen, toss it all in the blender, and take your "shake" back to the table. Announce that you've got a new fear of choking. 10. When you arrive, promise that your date won't be more than an hour late, he/she just has to wait for the warden to get together all the necessary release forms, and then they are free to go.

There were three guys talking in the pub. Two of them are talking about the amount of control they have over their wives, while the third remains quiet. After a while one of the first two turns to the third and says, "Well, what about you, what sort of control do you have over your wife?" The third fellow says, "I'll tell you. Just the other night my wife came to me on her hands and knees." The first two guys were amazed. "Wow! What happened then?" they asked. The third man took a healthy swallow of his beer, sighed and uttered, "She said, 'Get out from under the bed and fight like a man!'"

Seriously, when the crooked hamburger took it on the 1am, where did it go? Heidelburg-er, Germany!

Knock Knock Who's there! Bacon! Bacon who? Bacon a cake for your birthday!

An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen. The two elderly gentlemen were talking, and one said, "Last night,we went out to a new restaurant, and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly." The other man said, "What was the name of the restaurant?" The first man thought and thought and finally said, "What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love? You know... the one that is red and has thorns." "Do you mean a rose?" "Yes," the man said. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, "Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?"

What do you call an egg from outer space? An unidentified flying omelet!

Mum:Come on,John,eat your breakfast; you'll be late for school. John:I don`t want to go to school.The teachers don`t like me,the children don`t like me-even the caretaker doesn`t like me Mum;All the same, you must go. John:Why should I go? Mum:Well,for one thing you`re forty five years old,and for another your the headmaster.