Waiter, there is a fly in my wine! Well you did ask for something with a little body in it!

How to Impress a Woman Compliment her Cuddle her Kiss her Caress her Love her Stroke her Tease her Comfort her Protect her Hug her Hold her Dine her Listen to her Care for her Stand by her Support her Go to the ends of the earth for her How to Impress a Man Show up naked Bring beer.

The Washington Post's "Style Invitational" asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting or changing one letter, and supply a new definition. Here are some recent winners: Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly. Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of obtaining sex. Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high. . . . Tatyr: A lecherous Mr. Potato Head. Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the recipient who doesn't get it. Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late. Hipatitis: Terminal coolness. Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease. Burglesque: A poorly planned break-in. Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like a serious bummer. Glibido: All talk and no action. Dopeler effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly. Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a refund from the IRS, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.

Every "Hormone Hostage" knows that there are days in the month when all a man has to do is open his mouth and he takes his life in his hands. This is a handy guide that should be as common as a driver's license in the wallet of every husband, boyfriend or significant other. DANGEROUS: What's for dinner? SAFER: Can I help you with dinner? SAFEST: Where would you like to go for dinner? DANGEROUS: Are you wearing THAT? SAFER: Gee, you look good in brown. SAFEST: Wow! Look at you! DANGEROUS: What are you so worked up about? SAFER: Could we be overreacting? SAFEST: Here's fifty dollars. DANGEROUS: Should you be eating that? SAFER: You know, there are a lot of apples left. SAFEST: Can I get you a glass of wine with that? DANGEROUS: What did you DO all day? SAFER: I hope you didn't overdo today. SAFEST: I've always loved you in that robe.

Jewish cannibals [My thanks to Hilary for the following] Two Jewish cannibals are stewing a pot of food over a fire. "Oy veh," says the first cannibal, "I really do hate my mother-in-law." The second cannibal replies, "Nu? So leave her and just drink the chicken soup and lockshen."

Things children say Sam watches his mother breastfeeding his new baby sister. After a while he asks, "Mummy, why have you got two? Is one for hot and one for cold milk?" Sarah asks her bubbeh, "How old are you?" Bubbeh replies, "I’m so old, darling, I just don’t remember any more." So Sarah says, "If you don`t remember, you must look in the back of your panties. Mine say five to six." Maurice hugs and kisses his mother goodnight. "I love you so much, mummy, that when you die, I`m going to bury you outside my bedroom window." Little Moshe steps onto the bathroom scales and asks his mother, "How much do I cost?" Miriam is engrossed in a young couple that are hugging and kissing in a restaurant. Without taking her eyes off them, she asks, "Why is she whispering in his mouth, mummy?" Little Issy is in his bedroom looking worried. When his mother asks what was troubling him, he replies, "I don`t know what`ll happen with this bed when I get married, mummy. How will my wife fit in?" Howard is listening to his father reading him a Bible story. "The man named Lot was warned to take his wife and flee out of the city but his wife looked back and was turned to salt." Concerned, Howard asks, "What happened to the flea, daddy?" Sadie is with her mother when they meet a very elderly and wrinkled woman that her mother knows. Sadie looks at the woman for a while and then asks, "Why doesn`t your skin fit your face?"

I`ll cook you dinner if you cook me breakfast.

The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray: "Take only ONE. God is watching." Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies. A child had written a note, "Take all you want. God is watching the apples.

During the wedding rehearsal, the groom approaches the pastor with an unusual offer. "Look, I'll give you $100 if you'll change the wedding vows. When you get to the part where I'm supposed to promise to 'love, honor, and obey' and 'be faithful to her forever,' I'd appreciate it if you'd just leave that out." He passes the minister a $100 bill and walks away satisfied. On the day of the wedding, when it comes time for the groom's vows, the pastor looks the young man in the eye and says, "Will you promise to prostrate yourself before her, obey her every command and wish, serve her breakfast in bed every morning of your life, and swear eternally before God and your lovely wife that you will not ever even look at another woman, as long as you both shall live?" The groom gulps, looks around, and says in a tiny voice, "Yes," then leans toward the pastor and hisses, "I thought we had a deal." The pastor puts a $100 bill into the groom's hand and whispers, "She made me a better offer."

40. Oh I just couldn't. Hell, she's only sixteen. 39. I'll take Shakespeare for 1000, Alex. 38. Duct tape won't fix that. 37. Lisa Marie was lucky to catch Michael. 36. Come to think of it, I'll have a Heineken. 35. We don't keep firearms in this house. 34. Has anybody seen the sideburns trimmer? 33. You can't feed that to the dog. 32. I thought Graceland was tacky. 31. No kids in the back of the pickup, it's just not safe. 30. Wrasslin's fake. 29. Honey, did you mail that donation to Greenpeace? 28. We're vegetarians. 27. Do you think my gut is too big? 26. I'll have grapefruit and grapes instead of biscuits and gravy. 25. Honey, we don't need another dog. 24. Who's Richard Petty? 23. Give me the small bag of pork rinds. 22. Too many deer heads detract from the decor. 21. Spittin is such a nasty habit. 20. I just couldn't find a thing at Walmart today. 19. Trim the fat off that steak. 18. Cappuccino tastes better than espresso. 17. The tires on that truck are too big. 16. I'll have the arugula and radicchio salad. 15. I've got it all on the C drive. 14. Unsweetened tea tastes better. 13. Would you like your salmon poached or broiled? 12. My fiance, Bobbie Jo, is registered at Tiffany's. 11. I've got two cases of Zima for the Super Bowl. 10. Little Debbie snack cakes have too many fat grams. 09. Checkmate. 08. She's too young to be wearing a bikini. 07. Does the salad bar have bean sprouts? 06. Hey, here's an episode of "Hee Haw" that we haven't seen. 05. I don't have a favorite college team. 04. Be sure to bring my salad dressing on the side. 03. I believe you cooked those green beans too long. 02. Those shorts ought to be a little longer, Darla. 01. Nope, no more for me. I'm drivin tonight.

A brain walks into a bar and says, "I'll have a pint of beer please." The barman looks at him and says "Sorry, I can't serve you." "Why not?" askes the brain. "You're already out of your head."

Most women don’t know where to look when they’re eating a banana.

A polar bear goes into a bar and says to the barman "Could I have a pint of beer and ... a packet of crisps please?". The barman says "Certainly what's with the enormous paws?"

Girl: How much is a soft drink? Waitress: Fifty cents. Girl: How much is refill? Waitress: The first is free. Girl: Well then, I'll have a refill.

Q: Why did the Tomato go out with a prune? A: Because he couldn`t find a date!

A man walked into a bar with his alligator and asked the bartender "Do you serve lawyers here?" "Sure do," replied the bartender. "Good," said the customer, "Give me a beer, and I'll have a lawyer for my gator."

Tongue: A variety of meat, rarely served because it clearly crosses the line between a cut of beef and a piece of dead cow. Yogurt: Semi-solid dairy product made from partially evaporated and fermented milk. Yogurt is one of only three foods that taste exactly the same as they sound. The other two are goulash and squid. Recipe: A series of step-by-step instructions for preparing ingredients you forgot to buy, in utensils you don't own, to make a dish the dog won't eat. Porridge: Thick oatmeal rarely found on American tables since children were granted the right to sue their parents. The name is an amalgamation of the words "Putrid," "hORRId," and "sluDGE." Preheat: To turn on the heat in an oven for a period of time before cooking a dish, so that the fingers may be burned when the food is put in, as well as when it is removed. Oven: Compact home incinerator used for disposing of bulky pieces of meat and poultry. Microwave Oven: Space-age kitchen appliance that uses the principle of radar to locate and immediately destroy any food placed within the cooking compartment. Calorie: Basic measure of the amount of rationalization offered by the average individual prior to taking a second helping of a particular food.

Jewish Food Latkes: A pancake-like structure not to be confused with anything the House of Pancakes would put out. In a latke, the oil is in the pancake. It is made with potatoes, onions, eggs and matzo meal. Latkes can be eaten with apple sauce but NEVER with maple syrup. There is a rumour that in the time of the Maccabees they lit a latke by mistake and it burned for eight days. What is certain is you will have heartburn for the same amount of time. It`s a GOOD thing. Matzo: The Egyptians` revenge for leaving slavery. It consists of a simple mix of flour and water - no eggs or flavour at all. When made well, it could actually taste like cardboard. Its redeeming value is that it does fill you up and stays with you for a long time. However, it is recommended that you eat a few prunes soon after. Kasha Varnishkes: One of the little-known delicacies which is even more difficult to pronounce than to cook. It has nothing to do with varnish, but is basically a mixture of buckwheat and bow-tie macaroni . Why a bow-tie? Many sages discussed this and agreed that some Jewish mother decided that "You can`t come to the table without a tie." Blintzes: Not to be confused with the German war machine. Can you imagine the N.J. Post 1939 headlines: "Germans drop tons of cheese and blueberry blintzes over Poland - shortage of sour cream expected." Basically this is the Jewish answer to Crepe Suzette. Kishka: You know from Haggis? Well, this ain`t it. In the old days they would take an intestine and stuff it. Today we use parchment paper or plastic. And what do you stuff it with? Carrots, celery, onions, flour, and spices. But the trick is not to cook it alone but to add it to the cholent and let it cook for 24 hours until there is no chance whatsoever that there is any nutritional value left. Kreplach: It sounds worse than it tastes. There is a Rabbinical debate on its origins. One Rabbi claims it began when a fortune cookie fell into his chicken soup. The other claims it started in an Italian restaurant. Either way it can be soft, hard, or soggy and the amount of meat inside depends on whether it is your mother or your mother-in-law who cooked it. Cholent: This combination of noxious gases had been the secret weapon of Jews for centuries. The unique combination of beans, barley, potatoes, and bones or meat is meant to stick to your ribs and anything else it comes into contact with. At a fancy Mexican restaurant I once heard this comment from a youngster who had just had his first taste of Mexican Fried Beans: "What! Do they serve leftover cholent here too?" My wife once tried something unusual for guests: She made cholent burgers for Sunday night supper. The guests never came back. Gefilte Fish: A few years ago, I had problems with my filter in my fish pond and a few of them got rather stuck and mangled. My son looked at them and commented "Is that why we call it `Ge Filtered Fish`?" Originally, it was a carp stuffed with a minced fish and vegetable mixture. Today it usually comprises of small fish balls eaten with horse radish which is judged on its relative strength in bringing tears to your eyes at 100 paces. Bagels: How can we finish without the quintessential Jewish Food, the bagel? Like most foods, there are legends surrounding the bagel although I don`t now any. There have been persistent rumours that the inventors of the bagel were the Norwegians who couldn`t get anyone to buy smoked lox. Think about it: Can you picture yourself eating lox on white bread? Rye? A cracker? Naaa. They looked for something hard and almost indigestible which could take the spread of cream cheese and which doesn`t take up too much room on the plate. And why the hole? The truth is that many philosophers believe the hole is the essence and the dough is only there for emphasis.

At our local restaurant you can eat dirt cheap - but who wants to eat dirt?

A sandwich walks into a bar. The barman says: "Sorry, we don't serve food in here."