Forget Something? Because their memories were getting so bad with old age, Sadie and Sam had to put things in writing to help them remember them. One night, Sam got up from watching the usual TV soap and said to Sadie, "I’m going to the kitchen for something to eat. Do you want anything while I`m there?" Sadie said, "Yes, Sam, some ice cream, please." Just as Sam set off she added, "And write it down." "Don’t worry, I can remember ice cream," said Sam. Then Sadie said, "I also want strawberries on my ice cream... Write it down." "No need, I can remember ice cream with strawberries," he replied. Sadie added, "But I also want whipped cream on top of the strawberries." Sam nodded, but left the room without writing anything down. When he returned, Sam was carrying a plate of cold roast beef with mustard. "Now see what you`ve done," she said, "You’ve forgotten the toast I asked for."

The cake is a lie, and there's a reason you can't have it; Chuck Norris is that cake.

A guy walks into a bar and orders a drink. After a few more he needs to go to the can. He doesn't want anyone to steal his drink so he puts a sign on it saying, "I spat in this beer, do not drink!". After a few minutes he returns and there is another sign next to his beer saying, "So did I!"

One day, a HR woman was hit by a bus and killed. Her soul arrived in heaven and she was met by St.Peter. "Welcome to Heaven. Before you get settled in, it seems we have a problem. We've never once had HR manager make it this far. What we're going to do is let you have a day in Hell and a day in Heaven, then you can choose your eternity" said St.Peter. St.Peter put her in an elevator, it went down-down-down. The doors opened, she stepped onto a beautiful golf course. In front of her were all her fellow HR professionals. They were all dressed in evening gowns. They ran up and kissed her. They played golf and she enjoyed steak and lobster dinner. She met the Devil who was a really nice guy, she had great time telling jokes and dancing. When it was time to leave, everyone shook her hand and waved good-bye. So she spent the next 24 hours lounging around on the clouds, playing the harp and singing. "Now you must choose your eternity" he said. She paused and then replied, "Well, Heaven has been great but I think I had a better time in Hell." So she went down-down-down. When the doors opened, she was standing in a desolate wasteland covered in garbage. Her friends were dressed in rags and were picking up garbage for the evening meal. The Devil came up to her and put his arm around her and laughed. "I don't understand," she stammered. "Yesterday I had great time here, there was a golf course and we ate lobster. Now all there is a wasteland and all my friends look miserable." The Devil looked at her and grinned, "that's because yesterday we were recruiting you, but today you're staff."

How many men does it take to make popcorn? Four, one to hold the pot, and three to act macho and shake the stove.

You know the Super Bowl, that's what Chuck Norris eats his breakfast out of.

Bentley and his wife and son were sitting at the dinner table when the boy suddenly blurted out, "Gee, you're dumb, Mom. You don't know anything." "Now, son," scolded Bentley, "you musn't be picky about your mother's little faults."

You know you are addicted to coffee if ... You get a speeding ticket even when you`re parked.

Knock Knock Who's there! Celery! Celery who? Celery me you lunch will you, I'm hungry!

Alternatives Benjamin and Sarah, who were both in their 80’s, invited their grandson Morris to dinner one evening. Morris was impressed by the way Benjamin preceded every request to Sarah with endearing terms - Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart, Sugar Plum, etc. The couple had been married over 50 years and clearly they were still very much in love. While Sarah was in the kitchen, Morris said to Benjamin, "Grandpa. I think it`s wonderful that after all these years you still call grandma those loving pet names." Benjamin hung his head. "I have to tell you the truth, Benjy," he said, "I forgot her name about 10 years ago."

I was once in a play called Breakfast In Bed. Did you have a big role? No, just toast and marmalade.

My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way. -- Henny Youngman My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met. -- Rodney Dangerfield A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong. -- Milton Berle I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury. -- George Burns What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband? About 30 pounds. -- Cindy Garner I bought my wife a new car. She called and said, "There was water in the carburetor." I said, "Where's the car?" She said, "In the lake." -- Henny Youngman Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight. -- Phyllis Diller The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret. -- Henny Youngman People are always asking couples whose marriages have endured at least a quarter of a century for their secret for success. Actually, it is no secret at all. I am a forgiving woman. Long ago, I forgave my husband for not being Paul Newman. -- Erma Bombeck After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband, "You know, I was a fool when I married you." The husband replied, "Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn't notice." When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her. I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months - I don't like to interrupt her. My girlfriend told me I should be more affectionate. So I got two girlfriends. A man said his credit card was stolen but he decided not to report it because the thief was spending less than his wife did. Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are beautiful.

Relationships Moishe and his wife Sadie are having dinner at an upmarket restaurant in Golders Green when an attractive young redhead walks by, smiles at Moishe and says, "Hello Moishe." Sadie immediately asks, "And who was that girl who just spoke to you?" Moishe replies, "Oh her, that`s my mistress." "You have a mistress? I don’t believe you. How long has this been going on?" says Sadie. "About ten years, on and off." answers Moishe. "Ten years?", says Sadie. "You bastard! I`ll see a solicitor tomorrow and start divorce proceedings. I’ll ruin you, you wait and see." "Now hold on Sadie," responds Moishe, "just think about it for a minute. If we get a divorce, you will only get only half of what we have together now. You won`t have our big house in Hampstead, you’ll no longer get a new Lexus as your birthday present from me each year, you won`t be able to play golf all day with your friends, you won’t …." But before Moishe can continue, a blonde walks past and says to him, "Hello, nice to see you again." Sadie asks, "And who was that, another of your ‘girls’?" Moishe replies, "No, that`s Hyme’s mistress." "You mean that Hyme also has a mistress?" says Sadie, surprised. Moishe answers, "Of course, she’s been with him for nearly twelve years." Sadie then says, proudly, "I like ours a lot better."

A woman was leaving a 7-11 with her morning coffee when she noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery. A long black hearse was followed by a second long black hearse about 50 feet behind. Behind the second hearse was a solitary woman walking a pit bull on a leash. Behind her were 200 women walking single file. The woman couldn't stand the curiosity. She respectfully approached the woman walking the dog and said, "I am so sorry for your loss, and I know now is a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this. Whose funeral is it?" The woman replied, "Well, that first hearse is for my husband." "What happened to him?" The woman replied, "My dog attacked and killed him." She inquired further, "Well, who is in the second hearse?" The woman answered, "My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my husband when the dog turned on her." A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passed between the two women. "Can I borrow the dog?" "Get in line!"

Chuck Norris buys his cereal at Home Depot.

The local restaurant was so sure that its host was the strongest man around that they offered a standing $1000 bet. The host would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and hand the lemon to a patron. Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice out would win the money. Many people had tried over time , but nobody could do it. Then one day, this scrawny little man came in, wearing thick glasses and a polyester suit, and said in a tiny, squeaky voice, "I'd like to try the bet." After the laughter had died down, the host said "OK," grabbed a lemon, and squeezed away. Then he handed the wrinkled remains of the rind to the little man. But the crowd's laughter turned to total silence as the man clenched his fist around the lemon and six drops fell into the glass. As the crowd cheered, the host paid the $1000, and asked the little man, "What do you do for a living? Are you a lumberjack, a weightlifter, or what?" The man replied, "I work for the IRS."

The Zen Master is visiting New York City from Tibet. He goes up to a hot dog vendor and says, "Make me one with everything." The hot dog vendor fixes a hot dog and hands it to the Zen Master, who pays with a $20 bill. The vendor puts the bill in the cash box and closes it. "Where's my change?" asks the Zen Master. The vendor responds, "Change must come from within."

Yo momma is so stupid that when I was drowning and yelled for a life saver, she said 'Cherry or Grape?'.

Marriage Rivkah awakens one night to find that her husband Howard is not in bed with her. She goes downstairs to look for him and finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes away a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee. "What`s the matter, dear?" she asks tenderly, "why are you down here in the middle of the night?" Howard looks up from his coffee. "Do you remember, Rivkah, how young we both were when we first started dating?" "Yes, I remember," Rivkah replies. Howard’s voice is brimming with emotion. "Do you also remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car making love?" "How could I forget?" says Rivkah. "And do you remember he put a gun against my head and said, `Either you marry my daughter or I`ll see to it that you go to jail for 30 years?`" "I remember that well," Rivkah softly replies, taking hold of his hand. Howard wipes away a tear and says, "I would have got out today."

A man joined a big Multi National Company as a trainee. On his first day, he dialed the pantry and shouted into the phone : "Get me a cup of coffee, quickly!" The voice from the other side responded: "You fool, you've dialed the wrong extension! Do you know who you're talking to?" "No" replied the trainee. "It's the Managing Director of the company, idiot!" The trainee shouted back: "And do you know who YOU are talking to, you IDIOT?" "No!" replied the Managing Director indignantly. "Good!" replied the trainee and put down the phone.