HALLOWEEN FUNNIES part III What kind of cereal do monsters eat? Ghost-Toasties. Mommy, mommy, teacher keeps saying I look like a werewolf. Be quiet, dear, and go and comb your face What kind of monster is safe to put in the washing machine? A wash and wear wolf. What's the first thing ghosts do when they get into a car?- They boo-kle their seatbelts. What has webbed feet, feathers, fangs and goes quack-quack? Count Duckula. What game do little cannibals like to play at parties? Swallow the leader. Why are monsters huge and hairy and ugly? Because if they were small and round and smooth they'd be M&M's.

Q: What's a blonde's favourite wine? A: "Daaaddy, I want to go to Miaaami!"

How can you tell when a blonde has been baking chocolate chip cookies? There's M&M shells all over the floor.

An American manufacturer is showing his machine factory to a potential customer from Albania. At noon, when the lunch whistle blows, two thousand men and women immediately stop work and leave the building. "Your workers, they're escaping!" cries the visitor. "You've got to stop them." "Don't worry, they'll be back," says the American. And indeed, at exactly one o'clock the whistle blows again, and all the workers return from their break. When the tour is over, the manufacturer turns to his guest and says, "Well, now, which of these machines would you like to order?" "Forget the machines," says the visitor. "How much do you want for that whistle?"

A fly was buzzing along one morning when he saw a lawn mower someone had left out in their front yard. He flew over and sat on the handle, watching the children going down the sidewalk on their way to school. One little boy tripped on a crack and fell, spilling his lunch on the sidewalk. He picked himself up, put his lunch back in the bag and went on. But he missed a piece of bologna. The fly had not eaten that morning and he sure was hungry. So he flew down and started eating the bologna. In fact he ate so much that he could not fly, so he waddled across the sidewalk, across the lawn, up the wheel of the lawn mower, up the handle, and sat there resting and watching the children. There was still some bologna laying there on the sidewalk. He was really stuffed, but that baloney sure did look good. Finally temptation got the best of him and he jumped off the handle of the lawn mower to fly over to the baloney. But alas he was too full to fly and he went splat!, killing him instantly. The moral of the story: Don't fly off the handle when you are full of baloney.

Some retired deputy sheriffs went to a retreat in the mountains. To save money, they decided to sleep two to a room. No one wanted to room with Daryl because he snored so badly. They decided it wasn't fair to make one of them stay with him the whole time, so they voted to take turns. The first deputy slept with Daryl and comes to breakfast the next morning with his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot. They said, "Man, what happened to you?" He said, "Daryl snored so loudly, I just sat up and watched him all night." The next night it was a different deputy's turn. In the morning, same thing--hair all standing up, eyes all blood-shot. They said, "Man, what happened to you? You look awful!" He said, "Man, that Daryl shakes the roof. I watched him all night." The third night was Frank's turn. Frank was a big burly ex-football player; a man's man. The next morning he came to breakfast bright eyed and bushy tailed. "Good morning," he said. They couldn't believe it! They said, "Man, what happened?" He said, "Well, we got ready for bed. I went and tucked Daryl into bed and kissed him good night. He sat up and watched me all night long."

Way to keep healthy level of insanity in the workplace 1. Page yourself over the intercom. 2. Find out where your boss shops and buy exactly the same outfits. Always wear them one day after your boss does. 3. While sitting at your desk, soak your fingers in "Palmolive." 4. Put up mosquito netting around your cubicle. 5. Every time someone asks you to do something, ask them if they want fries with that. 6. Put your garbage can on your desk. Label it "IN." 7. Determine how many cups of coffee are "too many." 8. Put decaf in the coffeemaker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has gotten over their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso. 9. In the memo field of all your checks, write "for sexual favors." 10. If you have a glass eye.

Chuck Norris once opened a can of Campbells chicken noodle soup with his eyeballs.

A man entered his doctor's office with a cucumber up his nose, a carrot in his left ear and a banana stuck in his right ear. "Doc," he asked, "What's wrong with me?" "Simple," replied the doctor, "You aren't eating right."

Recipe for Banana Bread Ingredients: 2 Laughing Eyes 2 Loving Arms 2 Well Shaped Legs 2 Firm Milk Containers 1 Fur Lined Mixing Bowl 2 Large Nuts 1 Large Banana Method: 1. Look into Loving Eyes. 2. Fold in Loving Arms. 3. Spread Well Shaped Legs. 4. Squeeze and massage Milk Containers gently until Fur Lined Mixing Bowl is well greased. Check frequently with middle finger. 5. Add Banana - work in and out until well creamed. 6. Cover with Nuts and sigh with relief. Cake done when Banana becomes soft. Be sure to wash mixing utensils and don't lick the bowl. N.B. If cake begins to rise leave town immediately.

What do polar bears have for lunch? Ice burger!

How do they prevent crime in hamburger country? With burger alarms!

Can a hamburger marry a hot dog? Only if they have a very frank relationship!

Martha Stewart doesn't live here! * I'm creative; you can't expect me to be neat, too! * Ring Bell for Maid Service. If no answer, do it yourself! * You may touch the dust in this house, but please don't write in it! * If you write in the dust, please don't date it! * I would cook dinner, but I can't find the can opener! * I came, I saw, I decided to order take out. * If you don't like my standards of cooking, lower your standards. * A messy kitchen is a happy kitchen, and this kitchen is delirious. * Help keep the kitchen clean - eat out. * Countless numbers of people have eaten in this kitchen and gone on to lead normal lives. * My house was clean last week; too bad you missed it!

How do you make a hamburger green? Find a yellow cheeseburger and mix it with a blue one!

Old Man On A Bench An old man of ninety was sitting on a park bench crying. A policeman noticed this and asked him why he was crying. "Well," says the old fellow, "I just got married to a twenty-five year old woman. Every morning she makes me a wonderful breakfast, and we have then have fun together laughing and relaxing. In the afternoon she makes me a wonderful lunch and then we make fun together laughing and relaxing again. At dinner time she makes me a wonderful supper and then we relax more and enjoy ourselves." The policeman looks at the old man and says, "You shouldn't be crying! You should be the happiest man in the world!" So the old man says, "I know! I'm crying because I don't remember where I live!"

Cannibal Boy: I've brought a friend home for dinner. Cannibal Mom: Put him in the fridge and we'll have him tomorrow.

Waiter, there's a fly in my soup! Don't worry sir, the spider on the breadroll will get 'em.

What is the title of the new Vietnamamese cookbook? 100 way to wok your dog.

Waiter, there is a fly in my wine! Well you did ask for something with a little body in it!