A woman is having a hard time getting her tomatoes to ripen so she goes to her neighbor with her problem. The neighbor says, "All you have to do is go out at midnight and dance around in the garden naked for a few minutes, and the tomatoes will become so embarrassed, they will blush bright red." The woman goes out at midnight and dances around her garden naked for a few minutes. The next morning, the neighbor comes over to the woman's house and asks the woman if her tomatoes have turned red. The woman says "No, they're still green, but I noticed the cucumbers grew four inches!"

It's a hot day, and everyone is on the beach. And it's strange, because everyone has bought an ice-cream cone, and is feeding the sea-gulls with it; two gulls to each person. So I went bought an ice-cream, and straight away the gulls came down to steal it. So of course I chased them away, but they kept on coming, and then this old man wonders over in my direction. He's got an ice-cream, and two gulls eating it. And he says: "You'll never stop them, so do what everyone else is doing: relax, enjoy yourself, and let the gulls have the ice-cream..." "Why?" I asked. "Because," he said, "that way you'll be chilling two birds with one cone."

The after-life Moshe and Rebecca make a vow that whoever dies first would come back and inform the other of the after-life. Their fear is that there is no after-life. Many, many years later, Moshe dies and true to his word, he makes contact. "Rebecca …. Rebecca," he says, "can you hear me?" "Is that you, Moshe?" asks Rebecca. "Yes, Becky," he replies, "I`ve come back, just as we agreed." "So what`s it like, Moshe?" asks Rebecca. "Well Becky, it’s like this," replies Moshe. "Every morning, I get up and have sex. I have breakfast and then off to the golf course where I have sex. I sunbathe and then have sex twice. I have lunch, another romp around the golf course, then sex all afternoon. After dinner, it’s the golf course again, then I have sex until late. It likes this every day." "Oh Moshe," says Rebecca, "you really must be in heaven." "Not exactly, Becky," says Moshe, "I`m a rabbit on the Hampstead Garden Suburb golf course."

Jack and Tom, are having a beer in a saloon when a cowboy walks in with an Indian's head under his arm. He hands it to the bartender, and the bartender hands him money. The bartender turns to them and says, "I hate Indians. Last week they burnt my barn to the ground and killed my wife and three kids. Anybody brings me the head of an Indian, I'll give them a thousand bucks." Jack and Tom guzzle their beers and leave to go hunt Indians. After a while, they finally spot one. Jack throws a rock, it hits him on the head, the Indian falls off his horse, and rolls seventy feet down a ravine. The two cowboys make their way down the ravine and Tom pulls out his knife to claim their trophy. Jack says, "Tom, take a look at this." Tom says, "Not now, I'm busy." Jack says, "I really think you should have a look." Tom says, "Asshole.

What`s the pirate`s favorite restaurant? Trick question because it`s either Jolly Roger or Long John Silver`s.

I went to a hot dog stand with my pet snake. I said," May I please have a hot dog for my snake?" The waitress replied, "I'm sorry, but we're all out of buns." I said, "My anaconda don't want none unless you've got buns, hun!"

What do you call a neurotic octopus? A crazy, mixed-up squid.

If government is going to put health warning labels on beer, wine and liquor, let's at least have a little truthfulness about the matter! WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to wake up with breath that could knock a buzzard off a shit truck at 100 yards. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like an idiot. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring story over and over again until your friends want to smash your head in. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the boss what you REALLY THINK while photocopying your butt at the office Christmas party. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell ever happened to your pants anyway. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the morning and see something really scary . WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, handsomer, and smarter than some really, really huge biker guy named "Big Al".

You know you are addicted to coffee if ... Your first-aid kit contains two pints of coffee with an I.V. hookup.

You know you are addicted to coffee if ... You can jump-start your car without cables.

Aren’t children fantastic? [My thanks to Sue for the following] 1. I was driving with my three young children one warm summer evening when a woman in the convertible ahead of us stood up and waved. She was stark naked. I was still in shock when I heard my 5 year old daughter Suzy shout from the back, "Mummy, she isn`t wearing a seat belt." 2. My 4 year old son Benjy came running out of the bathroom to tell me he`d dropped his toothbrush down the toilet. So I fished it out and threw it in the bin. Benjy stood there thinking for a moment, then ran to my bathroom and came out with my toothbrush. He held it up and said with a charming little smile, "We better throw this one out too then mummy, because it fell in the toilet a few days ago. 3. Little Moshe got lost at the Maccabi club and found himself in the women`s changing room. When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks, with ladies grabbing towels and running to hide. Moshe watched in amazement and shouted, "What`s wrong, haven`t you ever seen a little boy before?" 4. While working for my shul delivering lunches to elderly Jewish women living at home, I used to take my 4 year old daughter Esther with me. She was always intrigued by the various appliances of old age, such as walking sticks, zimmer frames and wheelchairs. One day I found Esther staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass of water. As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered, "The tooth fairy will never believe this." 5. When 4 year old Sam opened the family bible, something fell out of it. He picked up the object and looked at it. It was old leaf that had been pressed between the pages. "Mummy, look what I found," he said. "What have you found, bubbeleh?" I asked. Sam replied, "I think it`s Adam`s underwear."

While on a road trip, an elderly couple stopped at a roadside restaurant for lunch. After finishing their meal, they left the restaurant and resumed their trip. When leaving, the elderly woman unknowingly left her glasses on the table. And, she didn't miss them until after they had been driving about twenty minutes. By then, to add to the aggravation, they had to travel quite a distance before they could find a place to turn around in order to return to the restaurant to retrieve her glasses. All the way back, the elderly husband became the classic grouchy old man. He fussed and complained and scolded his wife relentlessly during the entire return drive. The more he chided her, the more agitated he became. He just wouldn't let up one minute. To her relief, they finally arrived at the restaurant and as the woman got out of the car and hurried inside to retrieve her glasses, the old geezer yelled to her, "While you.

A farmer buys a young rooster. As soon as he brings the bird to the farm, it rushes & fucks all 150 hens. The farmer is impressed thinking about all the eggs the hens would hatch. At lunch, the rooster again screws all 150 hens. The farmer gets a bit worried now. The next day, he finds the rooster fucking the ducks, geese, & a parrot too which is now scaring him. Later that day, he finds the rooster lying pale, half-dead with vultures circling over its head. The farmer says, "You horny bastard, you deserve this." The rooster opens one eye, points up, & whispers, "Shh! Don't shout, let them land!"

This guy dies and is sent to Hell. Satan meets him and shows him the doors to three rooms and says he must choose one of the rooms to spend eternity in. So Satan opens the first door. In the room there are people standing in cow manure up to their necks. The guy says "No, please show me the next room". Satan shows him the next room and this has people with cow manure up to their noses. And so he says no again. Finally, Satan shows him the third and final room. This time there are people in there with cow manure up to their knees drinking cups of tea and eating cakes. So the guy says, "I'll choose this room". Satan says O.K. The guys is standing in there eating his cake and drinking his tea thinking, "Well, it could be worse", when the door opens. Satan pops his head around, and says "O.K. tea-break is over. Back on your heads!"

Academy of Mudgeology Some selections from our catalog: Course number/Title/ MUS147 HOW TO HUM: LECTURE AND LAB HIS024 U.S. HISTORY SINCE ABOUT AN HOUR AGO GEO222 COUNTRIES THAT ARE ORANGE ON MAPS ENG537 SURVEY IN ENG LIT: SIR FRANCIS BACON AND LORD HENRY SAUSAGE POLS834 U.S. DOMESTIC POLICY: IF FROGS COULD VOTE ANT248 AMISH PARTY GAMES FR106 ELEMENTARY FRENCH TOAST COM193 TOPICS FROM "GREEN ACRES": LIFE AND TIMES OF MR. HANEY HIS456 THE HISTORY OF SOUP CHE546 THE SCIENCE OF PLAY-DOH PHI101 THE RAMBLINGS OF DEAD, DRUNKEN PHILOSOPHERS ARC555 ARCHITECTURE OF THE BRADY BUNCH HOME MOO108 THE BOVINE ERA, PART IV: COW HISTORY SINCE 1784 ENG327 SHAKESPEAREAN MEMOS, MENUS, AND GROCERY LISTS ANT764 NOMADIC TRIBES OF SUB-SAHARAN AFRICA THAT ARE REALLY JUST LOST MATH001 COMPREHENSIVE STUDY OF THE NUMBER SEVEN POLS497 POLITICAL PARTY ETHICS ARC123 DESIGNING MODERN CITIES USING LEGOS MATH198 MATHEMATICS SO HARD THAT NO ONE CAN DO IT COM253 UNDERSTANDING THE PLOT TWISTS IN "MELROSE PLACE" A-S546 TOPICS IN MODERN ART: USING A LIVER AS A PAINT BRUSH HPR314 BEGINNING YAHTZEE ENG893 THE ROMANTIC PROSE OF BARNEY FIFE PHY276 HYPNOTIZING YOUR PETS TEL115 MUNSTERS/ADDAMS FAMILY: A COMPARISON STUDY ENG690 STOOGE CRITICISM: THE SHEMP YEARS Thanks to stampo.

Why should you take care of your grandparents in an Indian restaurant? In case your Nan slips into a Korma.

The Chocolate Bar by Ken I Havesum.

What soup weighs 2,000 pounds? Wonton.

A wilderness area asked hikers to fill out comment cards. These are actual comments left by hikers. Trail needs to be reconstructed. Please avoid building trails that go uphill. Too many bugs and leaches and spiders and spider webs. Please spray the wilderness to rid the area of these pests. Please pave the trails so they can be plowed of snow during the winter. Chairlifts need to be in some places so that we can get to wonderful views without having to hike to them. The coyotes made too much noise last night and kept me awake. Please eradicate these annoying animals. A small deer came into my camp and stole my jar of pickles. Is there a way I can get reimbursed? Please call XXX-XXX-XXXX. Reflectors need to be placed on trees every 50 feet so people can hike at night with flashlights. Escalators would help on steep uphill sections. Need more signs to keep area pristine. A McDonalds would be nice at the trailhead. The places where trails do not exist are not well marked. I brought lots of sandwich makings, but forgot bread. If you have extra bread, leave it in the yellow tent at V Lake. Too many rocks in the mountains.

HALLOWEEN FUNNIES part III What kind of cereal do monsters eat? Ghost-Toasties. Mommy, mommy, teacher keeps saying I look like a werewolf. Be quiet, dear, and go and comb your face What kind of monster is safe to put in the washing machine? A wash and wear wolf. What's the first thing ghosts do when they get into a car?- They boo-kle their seatbelts. What has webbed feet, feathers, fangs and goes quack-quack? Count Duckula. What game do little cannibals like to play at parties? Swallow the leader. Why are monsters huge and hairy and ugly? Because if they were small and round and smooth they'd be M&M's.