Mum:Come on,John,eat your breakfast; you'll be late for school. John:I don`t want to go to school.The teachers don`t like me,the children don`t like me-even the caretaker doesn`t like me Mum;All the same, you must go. John:Why should I go? Mum:Well,for one thing you`re forty five years old,and for another your the headmaster.

Did you hear about the 2 men from the monastery who opened up a fast food seafood restaurant? One was the fish friar, and the other was the chip monk.

A magician was employed by a Shipping Line to entertain the passengers during cruises. The captain owned a parrot which always insisted on being part of the acts put on by the magician. He would perch on the edge of the stage and screech, "He does it with a mirror" or "He's got it up his sleeve." The magician was furious, but since the bird was a favorite with the captain and he was anxious to retain his position for future cruises, he maintained an angry silence. One evening as the magician worked, the parrot continued to harass the unfortunate man. Sadly the ship ran into a mine which had become detached from the sea floor after a storm. The explosion tore the bow off the ship which sank within a few minutes. Amid the wreckage and the lifeboats, the magician sat on one end of a table from the first class dining room. At the other end sat the parrot, dirty and disheveled, his feathers caked with fuel oil. For some time they eyed each other malevolently s.

Houston: Beer may not be purchased after midnight on a Sunday, but it may be purchased on Monday.

Tom: What did the banana say to the elephant? Nick: I don't know. Tom: Nothing. Bananas can't talk.

Knock Knock Who's there? Chuck! Chuck who? Chuck in a sandwich for lunch.

Man to a woman: Do you know the difference between a blowjob and a cheeseburger is? Woman: No Man: Lets have lunch sometime... Sent by jim.

A greyhound is sitting in pub, drinking its beer when the door opens and a horse comes in. It sits down beside another horse and starts to talk of its troubles. "Same as before, Des" says the horse "I get to within a hundred feet of the winning post and I fall over". The other horse commiserates, "That happening to all of us flat racers, Red. It must some sort of disease" The dog interrupts "I can't believe it , that's exactly what happened to me at Whitecity yesterday". The horses look at each in surprise; "Will you look at that. A talking dog "

The celebratory Chinese meal Yitzhak and Hannah decide to eat out to celebrate their 50th wedding anniversary and after some deliberation, they choose the KOSHER MOSHE Chinese restaurant. When they arrive, they discuss the menu with the waiter and agree to share the chef`s special ‘Chicken Surprise.’ After a short wait, the waiter brings over their meal, which is served inside a lidded cast iron pot, and departs without removing the lid. Hannah is ready to start eating but before she can reach over to the pot, the lid suddenly rises by 1cm all by itself. Hannah looks closely at the pot and briefly sees two beady little eyes looking at her. Then the lid slams back down again. Hannah is worried. "Did you see that?" she asks Yitzhak. "No, darling, I didn’t," replies Yitzhak. "So look in the pot already," she tells Yitzhak. As he reaches for the lid, it again rises up by 1cm all by itself. Yitzhak looks closely and sees two beady little eyes looking at him. Then the lid firmly slams back down again. Hannah starts to panic and shouts at Yitzhak, "Call the manager over, CALL THE MANAGER OVER." So Yitzhak gets the manager and they tell him what they saw and demand an explanation. "Well sir, I think I can explain," says the manager. "What did you order?" "We both chose the same," Yitzhak replies, "the Chicken Surprise." "Oh I do apologize," says the manager, "the waiter brought you the ‘Peking Duck` by mistake."

Hear today, gone tomorrow [My thanks to Stan C for the following] Now that Moshe, Gary and Abe have retired, they enjoy meeting once a week for a round of golf. They are, thank God, all healthy except for having poor hearing. One day, during a round of golf, Moshe says, "Windy, isn`t it?" "No," replies Abe, "it`s Thursday." And Gary says, "So am I. Let`s have a beer."

Mum, what are you cooking? It`s bean soup! I don't care what it has been; I just want to know what it is now!

A man goes to his doctor for his annual physical complaining of all kinds of mysterious ailments -- lack of sleep, no drive, very little appetite, nervous, etc. After a complete exam, the doctor can find nothing physically wrong and suspects the man is suffering from depression. The two had been friends for many years, so the doctor did not hesitate to ask the man about his personal life. "Well, if you must know," said the patient, "I cannot stand my wife. She's made my life unbearable. I fantasize all the time about killing that damn witch. In fact, if you are truly my friend, you'll give me some kind of untraceable poison to give her, so I may end my misery." The doctor explained that not only was that illegal, it would in fact, violate his oath to save lives. He said, "Besides, you'll get life in prison yourself, at best. I'll tell ya what though, I can give you this powerful aphrodisiac to slip into her coffee. You can then 'love her to death'. No jury in the world is going to convict a man for loving his wife too much. She'll be gone in a month at best." The man blessed the doctor, went home and started putting the love elixir in his wife's coffee the very next morning. Three weeks later, the doctor hasn't heard a word from his friend, and becomes concerned. After office hours, he stops by his friend's house to see if all is well. He finds his friend sitting on the sun deck, wrapped in a blanket, even though it's a warm Spring day. The man's face was gaunt and pale, he'd lost Lord knows how much weight,and looked terrible. The doctor asked, "What the Hell happened?" The man said, "I followed your advice to the letter. That woman and I made love like a pair of crazed rabbits, day and nite." Then, he chuckled, causing a terrible wheeze. Just then the wife appeared from inside the house. All slim and trim and dressed in tennis clothes; smiling, she said she was off for a few sets of tennis. As she leaped into her new sports car, her husband cackled and said to the doctor, "Look at that dumb crazy bitch. She hasn't a lick of sense. If she only knew she has less than a week to live she wouldn't be so God damn frisky."

Signs Hillary Clinton Does Not Understand New York* Actually ate a street vendor hot dog.* Sees Statue of Liberty and asks, "Oh, is that new?"* Believes the Mets can take it all the way this year.* Gave speech to Hasidic Jews in which she promised to "fight for the rights of you Amish folk."* Had an exploratory committee look into what an extended middle finger means.* Keeps asking when she`ll get to meet Batman.* Featured guest at her fundraisers: Reggie Miller.* Thinks the "subway" is just some place Bill takes her for their anniversary dinner.* Paid $25,000 for a sidewalk Rolex.

Ways To Annoy Osama Bin LadenPoint out the lice in his beard to make him feel self-conscious.Pause for a moment, listen carefully, and say, "Doesn`t that sound a lot like a B-52?"Ask him if he`s looking forward to replacing Hitler as Satan`s favorite chew toy in the lowest inferno of Hell.Tell him all about your great vacation to Saudi Arabia, where you went absolutely everywhere and did everything, just stomped all over the place.Use his satellite phone to call the time and weather line in Buenos Aires and leave it off the hook.Tell him how much less you paid for your Kalashnikov rifle.Now that you know the address of his secret cave hideout, fill out magazine subscription cards for him for the Wine Spectator and Penthouse. But do not, under any circumstances, send him Popular Mechanics.Order him ten Domino`s pizzas with extra ham topping.Correct him when he ends a sentence with a preposition.Ask whether the Taliban gets cable, because you haven`t seen "Sex and the City" for weeks.Yank the end of his turban really hard to make him spin around like a top.Switch all the CD`s in the jewel boxes in his CD collection, so that when he reaches for Michael Bolton, he`ll actually get the Mohammed Rafi.Mine his bathroom.Leave business cards for the Israeli Mossad in his Rolodex.Take pictures of all his wives and post them on www.AmIhotOrNot.comAsk him if he wears boxers or briefs. Check. Take pictures. Again, post these on www.AmIhotOrNot.comGive him a Hot Chicks of Palestine calendar.Ask him if Paradise is different for each person, and whether in your own paradise you`ll get to "kick his butt every day for eternity".Refer to him as "Osama-osama-fee-fi-fo-fama bin Laden".Ask whether suicide bombers have to pay union dues.Tell him it`s lovely what he`s done with his cave, but that it`d look much nicer covered with huge, smoking craters.At dinner, imply that the Northern Alliance has much prettier place settings.Claim you once saw him at a Hooter`s in Muncie wearing a yarmulke.Ask him if he wouldn`t mind if you opened the door and shined your laser pointer on his forehead for a few minutes.Tell him that this is the worst pyjama party you`ve ever attended.Ask for some pork rinds and a good brew to wash them down.Ask him if he provides his employees with a 401K plan.Complement him on all his poppies outside, but mention that a few day lilies would be a nice accent.Ask whether the Taliban is hoping to be bombed ahead into the Stone Age, or perhaps the Iron Age if enough shell casings survive.Explain that America is a land of freedom and opportunity, filled with people of every race, religion, and background, including millions of women strong enough to knock the crap out of him.Claim that they serve much better falafel at the public executions in Sudan.Ask him if he`s pursuing the Lesser Jihad, the Greater Jihad, or the "Completely Whacked Out of his Freaking Gourd" Jihad.Swirl your drink thoughtfully and mention, "Just think, in a few weeks you might fit in this glass!"Check to see if Saddam is on his speed-dial list.They have to wait a few years to see current television shows in Afghanistan, so give away the secret of who`s having a baby on Friends.Warn him that you`re "in a New York state of mind."Mention that his wives look quite fetching in their burkas, and ask whether they`ve ever thought of modeling.Ask him, "say, where do you keep all those Stinger missiles?" just in case he`ll be caught off guard and answer correctly.Play a game of Monopoly with him. Make him play the thimble. See if he charges interest. Claim that his properties are your "holy lands" and blow up his hotels.Offer to take him "clubbing" in Tel Aviv with your friends Saul and Ivan.When you leave, wave and say, "Shalom!"

There is a robbery at the cereal factory. The robber doesn't want any witnesses and there is only one man in the building so he decides to shoot him. The robber puts the gun up to the man's head and says, "Any last requests?" and the manager says, "Life."

WASHINGTON, DCCalifornia decriminalized the sale of Caesar salad this week -- and it`s not a moment too soon, the Libertarian Party said today."When you outlaw Caesar salad, only outlaws will eat Caesar salad," noted the party`s Director of Communications, Bill Winter. "That`s why, on the issue of Caesar salad, we Libertarians have always been pro-legalization."Selling Caesar salad became a crime last year when California legislators passed a new health law banning the sale of food that used raw eggs as an ingredient. Unexpectedly, the law included Caesar salad, which uses uncooked eggs in its unique dressing.Restaurant owners and fans of the popular salad were outraged. The outcry convinced state legislators to file a new bill to cancel the criminal status of Caesar salad -- and, presumably, end what might have become a flourishing black market in contraband romaine lettuce, raw eggs, and Parmesan cheese.The bill, signed into law by Governor Pete Wilson on Monday, has Libertarians cheering -- but a little surprised."We have to compliment California legislators for their rare display of good sense," acknowledged Winter. "Although we`re a bit surprised that they were courageous enough to toss the Caesar salad law entirely."Libertarians had expected politicians to take a more timid, gradual approach, said Winter, perhaps...* Implementing a five-day waiting period for Caesar salad, so the government could do a medical background check for raw-eggallergies.* Legalizing only "medical Caesar salad" -- whereby people with a vitamin deficiency could get a doctor`s permission to buy a small amount of Caesar salad for their own personal use.* Launching an anti-Caesar salad TV advertising blitz, perhaps with a commercial showing a frying pan, and then showing a frying pan with a raw egg in it. The voice-over could be: "This is your brain. This is your brain on Caesar salad."* Allowing only adults, 21 and over, the right to buy Caesar salad, on the grounds that it may be an adolescent`s gateway-salad to stronger stuff, like macaroni salad or three-bean salad.But Libertarians say they are delighted with the bold, unexpected victory over the "Just Say No to Caesar Salad" lobby -- and argue that it`s a win for libertarianism and the American way of life."We support the Constitutional right of every American to keep and bear a Caesar salad -- or, rather, to eat and buy a Caesar salad," said Winter. "All joking aside, it`s a setback for those political eggheads who think they have the right to micromanage every aspect of our lives -- down to the type of salad we buy in a restaurant. Hopefully, politicians will learn ... TO JUST LETTUCE ALONE."

Why did the potato cross the road?He saw a fork up ahead.How do you describe an angry potato?Boiling Mad.Why didn`t the mother potato want her daughter to marry the famous newscaster?Because he was a commontater.Why wouldn`t the reporter leave the mashed potatoes alone?He desperately wanted a scoop.What do you say to an angry 300-pound baked potato?Anything, just butter him up.What does a British potato say when it thinks something is wonderful?It`s mashing!What do you call a baby potato?A small fry!

Waiter, there's a fly in my soup! Yes, it's the rotting meat that attracts them!

Ted: I had the worst dream last night. I dreamed I ate a 2 ton marshmallow. Steve: What's wrong with that? Ted: When I woke up my pillow was gone.

At a dinner party, several of the guests were arguing whether men or women were more trustworthy. "No woman," said one man, scornfully, "can keep a secret." "I don't know about that," huffily answered a woman guest. "I have kept my age a secret since I was twenty-one." "You'll let it out some day," the man insisted. "I hardly think so!" responded the lady. "When a woman has kept a secret for twenty-seven years, she can keep it forever."