One night Marry Poppins ate at a restaurant and ordered cauliflower, cheese, and four hard boiled eggs. The waiter asked her how she liked the food, and she said that the cauliflower was great, but the eggs were awful. The waiter told her that she may write in the comment book. As she left she wrote, "SUPERCAULIFLOWERCHEESEBUTEGGSWEREQUITEARTOCIOUS!"

What is the meaning of life? All evidence to date suggests it's chocolate.

Bubba and Billy were driving down the road while drinking beer when they spotted a roadblock ahead. "We're gonna get busted," whimpered Billy. "Don't worry," said Bubba. "We'll just pull over and finish drinkin' these beers, then peel off the label and stick it on our foreheads and then toss the bottles under the seat. Just let me do the talking." They downed the beer, threw the empties out of sight and put the labels on their foreheads. When they reached the roadblock, the police officer asked, "You boys been drinking?" "No, sir," said Bubba, pointing at the labels. "Me and Billy are on the patch."

"Why do you look so glum today?", the teacher asked young Johnny. "I didn't have no breakfast," Johnny mumbled. "You poor dear," said the teacher. "Now, to return to our geography lesson, Johnny, where is the French border?" "In bed with my mom. That's why I didn't have no breakfast."

During a dinner party, the hosts` two little children entered the dinning room totally nude and walked slowly around the table. The parents were so embarrassed that they pretended nothing was happening and kept he conversation going. The guests cooperated and also continued as if nothing extraordinary was happening. After going all the way around the room, the children left, and there was a moment of silence at the table, during which one child was heard to say, "You see, it is vanishing cream!.

Chuck Norris once turned wine into water by roundhouse kicking it to its base components.

"Waiter!" shouted the furious diner, "How dare you serve me this! There's a damn TWIG in my soup!" "My apologies," said the waiter. "I'll inform the branch manager."

A monster goes to a petrol station and says: Fill me up The man at the petrol station replies: You have to have a car for me to do that!. The monster replies: But I had a car for lunch!

Chuck Norris CAN grind coffe beans in his hands.

The snack bar next door to an atom smasher was called "The Fission Chips."

A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office. After his checkup,the doctor called the wife into his office alone. He said, "Your husband is suffering from a very severe disease, combined with horrible stress. If you don't do the following, your husband will surely die." "Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Try to be pleasant in general, and make sure he stays in a good mood. For lunch make him a nutritious meal. For dinner prepare something nice and healthy again. Don't burden him with chores, as he probably had a hard day. Don't discuss your problems with him, it will only make his stress worse. And most importantly, make love with your husband several times a week and satisfy his every whim. "If you can do this for the next 1 to 2 months, I think your husband will regain his health completely. On the way home, the husband asked his wife, "What did the doctor say?" "You're going to die," she replied.

A blonde goes into a restaurant and notices there's a "peel and win" sticker on her coffee cup. So she's peels it off and starts screaming, "I've won a motor home! I've won a motor home!" The waitress says, "That's impossible. The biggest prize is a free lunch." But the blonde keeps screaming, "I've won a motor home! I've won a motor home!" Finally the manager comes over and says, "Ma'am, I'm sorry, but you're mistaken. You couldn't possibly have won a motor home because we didn't have that as a prize!" The blonde says, "No it's not a mistake. I've won a motor home!" She hands the ticket to the manager and he reads... " W I N A B A G E L "

Three guys were working on a high rise building project: Steve, Bill and Charlie. Steve falls off and is killed instantly. As the ambulance takes the body away, Charlie says, "Someone should go and tell his wife." Bill says, "OK, I`m pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I`ll do it." 2 hours later, he comes back carrying a 6-pack. Charlie says, "Where did you get that, Bill?" "Steve`s wife gave it to me." "That`s unbelievable, you told the lady her husband was dead and she gave you the beer?" Bill says,"Well not exactly. When she answered the door, I said to her, `You must be Steve`s widow.`" She said, "`No, I`m not a widow." And I said, "Wanna bet me a six-pack?"

What kind of murderer has fiber? A cereal killer.

How do you change a blonde's mind? Buy her another beer.

A 7 year-old and a 4 year-old are in their bedroom. "You know what?" says the 7 year-old, "I think it's time we started swearing. When we go downstairs for breakfast, I'll swear first, then you." "Okay," replies the 4 year-old. In the kitchen, when the mother asks the 7 year-old what he wants for breakfast, he answers, "I'll have Coco Pops, bitch." *WHACK* He goes flying out of his chair, crying his eyes out. The mother looks at the 4 year-old & sternly asks, "And what do you want?" "Dunno," he replies, "But it won't be fucking Coco Pops."

Three tourists were driving through Wales. As they were approaching Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch, they started arguing about the pronunciation of the town`s name. They argued back and forth until they stopped for lunch. As they stood at the counter one asked the blonde employee, "Before we order, could you please settle an argument for us? Would you please pronounce where we are... very slowly?" The girl leaned over the counter and said, "Burrrrrr, gerrrrrr, Kiiiiiing."

What female Jewish judges might say "I have a question for the blonde juror in the red at the end. Can I ask you if you are married? You’re not – Oy, do I have a son for you." "Stop already with this discussion of oral sex. It`s dirty, dirty, dirty!" "Look at that face! How can a nice boy like him be guilty?" "Enough with the objections already! And stand up straight - your mother would die if she saw you like this. Not that she ever sees much of you anymore, I`ll bet." "Objection, schmobjection. You and the DA, come back to my chambers and we`ll talk this out over a nice hot cup tea." "I’ve just awarded you £1M and you can`t even thank me? I take it back!" "Fine, go have your little conference with your client and leave me here, sitting alone, up on the bench." "If you don`t try the chicken soup, it`s five days in jail for contempt." "Evidence, shmevidence. He just looks guilty." "Oh, you want to object, do you? You don`t think I can do my job? Well, how about you come up and take this gavel, Mr. Smarty Pants? Here, I`ll put it on the desk - right next to my heart. No, go ahead, take it. You`re right, I`m just a senile old woman and should probably be sent off to some sort of home. Your Aunt Myra really likes her room, why don`t you give her a call? But really, I shouldn`t have to remind you to call your Aunt Myra. I guess you just don`t love her anymore, either. I should have expected it, you being a big shot lawyer now. Would it kill you to just believe me once instead of always having to argue? Overruled."

A man entered a restaurant and sat at the only open table. As he sat down, he knocked the spoon off the table with his elbow. A nearby waiter reached into his shirt pocket, pulled out a clean spoon, and set it on the table. The diner was impressed. "Do all the waiters here carry spoons in their pockets?" The waiter replied, "Yes. Ever since an Efficiency Expert visited our restaurant... He determined that 17.8% of our diners knock the spoon off the table. By carrying clean spoons with us, we save trips to the kitchen." The diner ate his meal. As he was paying the waiter, he commented, "Forgive the intrusion, but do you know that you have a string hanging from your fly?" The waiter replied, "Yes, we all do. Seems that the same Efficiency Expert determined that we spend to much time washing our hands after using the men's room. So, the other end of that string is tied to my penis. When I need to go, I simply pull the string, do my thing, and then return to work. Having never touched myself, there really is no need to wash my hands. Saves a lot of time." "Wait a minute," said the diner, "how do you get your penis back in your pants?" "Well, I don't know about the other guys, but I use the spoon."

There is a brunette, redhead, and a blonde who build skyscrapers for a living, and everyday they eat their lunch on top of the skyscraper. The brunette opens her lunch and sees that there is a hoagie in there and she says "If my mom packs me a hoagie again, then I'm going to kill myself." Then the redhead opens her lunch and there’s rice in there, and she says "If my mom gets me rice one more time, then I'm going to commit suicide." Then the blonde opens her lunch and finds fish in there and she said she'll kill herself if she has fish again. The next day the brunette opens her lunch and gets a hoagie so she jumps off the skyscraper and dies. The redhead gets rice again so she jumps and dies also. Then the blonde got the same lunch and died too. Later that day their mothers came to the crime scene and the brunettes mother said "She could of told me she wanted something else, I would've packed it." The redhead’s mother said "Only if she told me she didn’t want rice." Then the blonde’s mother said "Uuuummm, I don’t pack my daughters lunch, she does it herself."