There is a brunette, redhead, and a blonde who build skyscrapers for a living, and everyday they eat their lunch on top of the skyscraper. The brunette opens her lunch and sees that there is a hoagie in there and she says "If my mom packs me a hoagie again, then I'm going to kill myself." Then the redhead opens her lunch and there’s rice in there, and she says "If my mom gets me rice one more time, then I'm going to commit suicide." Then the blonde opens her lunch and finds fish in there and she said she'll kill herself if she has fish again. The next day the brunette opens her lunch and gets a hoagie so she jumps off the skyscraper and dies. The redhead gets rice again so she jumps and dies also. Then the blonde got the same lunch and died too. Later that day their mothers came to the crime scene and the brunettes mother said "She could of told me she wanted something else, I would've packed it." The redhead’s mother said "Only if she told me she didn’t want rice." Then the blonde’s mother said "Uuuummm, I don’t pack my daughters lunch, she does it herself."

BEER: It`s not just for breakfast anymore.

Son Of A Bitch Fish A irish priest took a sabbatical to a fishing lodge. On the last day of his trip he hooked a monster fish and proceeded to reel it in. The guide holding a net, yelled "Look at the size of that Son of a Bitch!" Son, I`m a irish priest. Your language is uncalled for! No, irish father, that`s what kind of fish it is. A Son of a Bitch fish! Really? Well help me land this Son of a Bitch! Once in the boat, they marveled at the monster. irish father, that is the biggest Son of a Bitch I`ve ever seen. Yes, it is a big Son of a Bitch. What should I do with it? Why eat it of course. You`ve never tasted anything as good as that Son of a Bitch! Elated, the irish priest headed home to the church. While unloading his gear, and his prize catch, Sister Mary inquired about his trip. "Take a look at this big Son of a Bitch I caught!" Sister Mary gasped and clutched her rosary, "irish father!" It`s ok Sister. That`s what kind of fish it is. A Son of a Bitch fish! Oh, well then what are you going to do with that big Son of a Bitch? Why, eat it of course. The guide said nothing compares to the taste of a Son of a Bitch. The Sister informed the irish priest that the Pope was scheduled to visit in a few days and that they should fix the Son of a Bitch for dinner. "I`ll even clean the Son of a Bitch", she said. As she was cleaning the huge fish, the Friar walked in. What are you doing Sister? irish father wants me to clean this big Son of a Bitch for the Pope`s dinner. Sister! I`ll clean it if you`re so upset! Please watch your language! No, no, no. It`s called a Son of a Bitch fish. Really. Oh, well in that case I`ll fix up a great meal and that Son of a Bitch can be the main course! Let me know when you`ve finished cleaning that Son of a Bitch. On the night of the Pope`s visit, everything was perfect. The Friar had prepared an excellent meal, there was wine, and the fish was excellent. The Pope said, "This is great fish, where did you get it?" "I caught the Son of a Bitch!" proclaimed the proud irish priest. The Pope`s eyes opened wide, but he said nothing. "And I cleaned the Son of a Bitch!" exclaimed the sister. The Pope sat silent in disbelief. And the friar added, "And I prepared the Son of a Bitch, using a special recipe!" The Pope looked at each of them. Slowly a big smile creeped across his face, and he said... "You fuckers are alright!"

Q: Why is having a wank like eating McDonald's? A: Because it's always exactly the same and afterwards you ….swear you'll never do it again.

A man goes to the doctor and tells him that he hasn't been feeling well. The doctor examines him, leaves the room and comes back with three different bottles of pills. The doctor says, "Take the green pill with a big glass of water when you get up. Take the blue pill with a big glass of water after lunch. Then just before going to bed, take the red pill with another big glass of water." Startled to be put on so much medicine the man stammers, "Jeez doc, exactly what's my problem?" The Doctor says, "You're not drinking enough water."

Three older ladies were discussing the travails of getting older. One said, "Sometimes I catch myself with a jar of mayonnaise in my hand in front of the refrigerator and can't remember whether I need to put it away, or start making a sandwich." The second lady chimed in, "Yes, some times I find myself on the landing of the stairs and can't remember whether I was on my way up or on my way down." The third one responded, " Well, I'm glad I don't have that problem; knock on wood," as she rapped her knuckles on the table, then told them "That must be the door, I'll get it!"

Three guys were working on a high-rise building project - Steve, Bruce and Bluey. Steve falls off and is killed instantly. As the ambulance takes the body away, Bruce says, "Someone should go and tell his wife." Bluey says, "OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I'll do it." Two hours later, he comes back carrying a case of Foster's. Bruce says, "Where did you get that, Bluey?" "Steve's wife gave it to me," Bluey replies. "That's unbelievable! You told the lady her husband was dead and she gave you the beer?" "Well not exactly," Bluey says. "When she answered the door, I said to her,'You must be Steve's widow'. She said, 'No, I'm not a widow.' And I said, 'I'll bet you a case of Foster's you are'."

A bakery owner hires a young female clerk who likes to wear very short skirts and thong panties. One day a young man comes into the store, glances at the clerk and glances at the loaves of bread behind the counter. Noticing the length of her skirt and the location of the raisin bread - on the very top shelf - he politely says to the young woman, "I'd like some raisin bread, please." She climbs up a ladder to reach the raisin bread, providing the young man with an excellent view, just as he surmised she would. When she comes down the ladder, he says he really should get two loaves as he is having company for dinner. As the clerk retrieves the second loaf of bread, one of the other male customers notices what is going on. Thinking quickly, he orders a loaf of raisin bread so he can continue to enjoy the view. With each trip up the ladder, the young lady seems to catch the eye of another male customer. Pretty soon, each male customer is asking for raisin bread just to watch the young woman climb up and down. After many trips, she is tired, irritated and thinking she is really going to have to try the raisin bread herself. Once again she is up the ladder retrieving a loaf of raisin bread for another male customer. She stops and fumes, glaring at the men below. She notices an elderly man standing among the crowd of males looking up at her who hasn't placed an order yet. Thinking to save herself another trip up and down the ladder, she yells at the elderly man, "Is yours raisin, too?" "No," croaked the old man, "but it's a quiverin'..."

A man walks into a bar one night. He goes up to the bar and asks for a beer. "Certainly, sir, that'll be 1 cent." "One penny?!" exclaimed the guy. The barman replied, "Yes." So, the guy glances over at the menu, and he asks, "Could I have a nice juicy T-bone steak, with fries, peas, and a salad?" "Certainly sir," replies the bartender, "but all that comes to real money." "How much money?" inquires the guy. "Four cents," he replies. "Four cents?!" exclaims the guy. "Where's the guy who owns this place?" The barman replies, "Upstairs with my wife." The guy says, "What's he doing with your wife?" The bartender replies, "Same as what I'm doing to his business."

Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out"? Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp which no decent human being would eat? Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer? If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him? Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane? If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat? Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is? Why does your OB-GYN leave the room when you get undressed if they are going to look up there anyway? Why does goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs! What do you call male ballerinas? Why ARE Trix only for kids? If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that Acme crap, why didn't he just buy dinner? Why is a person that handles your money called a 'Broker'? If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests? If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from? If a man is talking in the forest, and no woman is there to hear him, is he still wrong? If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons? Is Disney World the only people trap operated by a mouse? Why do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune? Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup? Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere, but call it a hemorrhoid when it's in your ass? Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out the window.

A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office. After his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone. He said, "Your husband is suffering from a very severe disease, combined with horrible stress. If you don't do the following, your husband will surely die." "Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant, and make sure he is in a good mood. For lunch make him a nutritious meal. For dinner prepare an especially nice meal for him. Don't burden him with chores, as he probably had a hard day. Don't discuss your problems with him, it will only make his stress worse. And most importantly, make love with your husband several times a week and satisfy his every whim." If you can do this for the next 10 months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health completely. On the way home, the husband asked his wife. "What did the doctor say?" "You're going to die," she replied.

Last week, I went to a furniture store to look for a decaffeinated coffee table. They couldn`t help me. For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier. I put them in the same room and let them fight it out.

Why do only 10% of men make it to heaven? Because if they all went, it would be Hell. How are husbands like lawn mowers? They're hard to get started, they emit noxious odors, and half the time they don't work. Why do female black widow spiders kill the males after mating? To stop the snoring before it starts. How many men does it take to tile a bathroom? Two. If you slice them very thinly. What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name? You didn't hold the pillow down long enough. How does a man show he's planning for the future? He buys two cases of beer instead of one. What makes a man think about a candlelight dinner? A power failure. What has eight arms and an IQ of 60? Four guys watching a football game. Why did God create man before woman? He didn't want any advice. Why do doctors slap babies' butts right after they're born? To knock the penises off the smart ones. Why do men have a hole in their penis? So their brains can get some oxygen now and then.

Advice From Men To Women... Never buy a 'new' brand of beer because 'it was on sale.'... If we're in the backyard and the TV in the den is on, that doesn't mean we're not watching it... Don't tell anyone we can't afford a new car. Tell them we don't want one... Whenever possible please try to say whatever you have to say during commercials... Please don't drive when you're not driving... Don't feel compelled to tell us how all the people in your stories are related to one another: We're just nodding, waiting for the punchline... The quarterback who just got pummeled isn't trying to be brave. He's just not crying. Big difference!... When the waiter asks if everything's okay, a simple 'Yes' is fine.

After having their 11th child, an Alabama couple decided that was enough. So, the husband went to his doctor and told him that he and his wife didn't want to have any more children. The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem. The doctor instructed him to go home, get a cherry bomb, light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10. The Alabamian said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest man, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me" So, the couple drove to Georgia to get a second opinion. The Georgia physician was just about to tell them about the procedure for a vasectomy when he noticed that they were from Alabama. This doctor instead told the man to go home and get a cherry bomb, light it, place it in a beer can, hold it to his ear and count to 10. Figuring that both learned physicians couldn't be wrong, the man went home, lit a cherrybomb and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count. "1, 2, 3, 4, 5 . . . . ", at which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs and resumed counting on his other hand.

Rule #1: When in doubt - buy him a cordless drill. It does not matter if he already has one. I have a friend who owns 17 and he has yet to complain. As a man, you can never have too many cordless drills. No one knows why. Rule #2: If you cannot afford a cordless drill, buy him anything with the word ratchet or socket in it. Men love saying those two words. "Hey George, can I borrow your ratchet?" "OK. By-the-way, are you through with my 3/8-inch socket yet?" Again, no one knows why. Rule #3: If you are really, really broke, buy him anything for his car. A 99-cent ice scraper, a small bottle of de-icer or something to hang from his rear view mirror. Men love gifts for their cars. No one knows why. Rule #4: Do not buy men socks. Do not buy men ties. And never buy men bathrobes. I was told that if God had wanted men to wear bathrobes, he wouldn't have invented Jockey shorts. Rule #5: You can buy men new remote controls to replace the ones they have worn out.If you have a lot of money buy your man a big-screen TV with the little picture in the corner. Watch him go wild as he flips, and flips, and flips. Rule #6: Do not buy a man any of those fancy liqueurs. If you do, it will sit in a cupboard for 23 years. Real men drink whiskey or beer. Rule #7: Do not buy any man industrial-sized canisters of after shave or deodorant. I'm told they do not stink - they are earthy. Rule #8: Buy men label makers. Almost as good as cordless drills. Within a couple of weeks there will be labels absolutely everywhere. "Socks. Shorts. Cups. Saucers. Door. Lock. Sink." You get the idea. No one knows why. Rule #9: Never buy a man anything that says "some assembly required" on the box. It will ruin his Special Day and he will always have parts left over. Rule #10: Good places to shop for men include Northwest Iron Works, Parr Lumber, Home Depot, John Deere, Valley RV Center, and Les Schwab Tire. (NAPA Auto Parts and Sears' Clearance Centers are also excellent men's stores. It doesn't matter if he doesn't know what it is. "From NAPA Auto,eh? Must be something I need. Hey! Isn't this a starter for a '68 Ford Fairlane? Wow! Thanks." Rule #11 Men enjoy danger. That's why they never cook - but they will barbecue. Get him a monster barbecue with a 100-pound propane tank. Tell him the gas line leaks. "Oh the thrill! The challenge! Who wants a hamburger?" Rule #12: Tickets to a Patriots game are a smart gift. However, he will not appreciate tickets to "A Retrospective of 19th Century Quilts." Everyone knows why. Rule #13: Men love chainsaws. Never, ever, buy a man you love a chainsaw. If you don't know why - please refer to Rule #8 and what happens when he gets a label maker. Rule #14: It's hard to beat a really good wheelbarrow or an aluminum extension ladder. Never buy a real man a step ladder. It must be an extension ladder. No one knows why. Rule #15: Rope. Men love rope. It takes us back to our cowboy origins, or at least The Boy Scouts. Nothing says love like a hundred feet of 3/8" manilla rope. No one knows why.

Lexington: It is illegal to transport an ice cream cone in your pocket.

Do you feel like a glass of carrot juice? Why? Do I look like one?

The lady was a Southern Baptist who attended services and taught Sunday School every week. On one Sunday, an out of town acquaintance, a gentleman, was in the pew right behind her. He noted what a fine looking woman she was. While they were taking up the collection, the man leaned forward and said, "Hey, how about you and I having dinner on Tuesday?" "Why Yes, that would be nice," the lady responded. Well, the gentleman couldn't believe his luck. On Tuesday he picked the lady up and took her to the finest restaurant in that part of South Carolina. When they sat down, the gentleman looked over at her and suggested, "Would you like a cocktail before dinner?" "Oh, no," said our circumspect fine example of southern womanhood, "What ever would I tell my Sunday School class?" Well, our gentleman was setback a bit, so he didn't say much until after dinner. When he pulled out a pack of cigarettes and asked, "Would you like a smoke?" "Oh my goodness no!," said the woman "I couldn't face my Sunday School class if I did." Our boy felt pretty low after that, so they left, got in his car and as he was driving the lady home, they passed the local Holiday Inn. He'd been morally rebuffed twice already, so he figured he had nothing to lose so he ventured forth with, "Ahhh . mmmm how would you like to stop at this motel?" "Sure, that would be nice," she said in anticipation. The gentleman couldn't believe his ears, and did a fast U turn right then and there and drove back to the motel and checked in. The next morning after a wild and passionate night, the gentleman awoke first. He looked at the lovely Dixie darling lying there in the bed and with remorse thought, "What have I done? He shook her awake and pleaded, "I've got to ask you one thing, whatever are you going to tell your Sunday School class?" The lady said, "The same thing I always tell them. 'You don't have to smoke and drink to have a good time'"

It’s magic Moishe goes to Brent Cross shopping centre with his ten-year-old son, Paul. Paul is flicking a 20p coin up in the air with his thumb and each time catching it between his teeth. But then someone bumps into Paul and the 20p coin goes straight down his throat. Paul starts to choke and soon begins to turn blue. Moishe starts to panic and shouts and screams for someone to help him. An ordinary looking man in a blue suit is sitting on a bench drinking coffee and reading his newspaper. He puts down his cup and paper, gets up and walks towards Paul, who is now close to collapse. When he gets to him, the man takes hold of Paul’s testicles and squeezes them gently but firmly. Straight away, Paul coughs up the 20p coin into the man’s free hand. The man gives the coin to Moishe and walks back to his bench to finish off his coffee. Not a word was said during this event. Moishe is overwhelmed with gratitude and quickly goes over to the man to thank him. The man looks embarrassed and tells Moishe he doesn’t have to thank him. But Moishe says, "You’re a hero. I`ve never heard of anyone doing what you just did - it was pure magic. What are you, a doctor?" "Oh, no, " the man replies, "I work for the Inland Revenue."