Four men were bragging about how smart their dogs are. The first man was an engineer, the second man was an Accountant, the third man was a Chemist and the fourth was a Government Worker. To show off, the Engineer called to his dog, "T-square, do your stuff!". T-square trotted over to a desk, took out some paper and a pen, and promptly drew a circle, a square, and a triangle. Everyone agreed that was pretty smart. But the Accountant said his dog could do better. He called his dog and said, "Slide Rule, do your stuff!". Slide Rule went out into the kitchen and returned with a dozen cookies. He divided them into 4 equal piles of 3 cookies each. Everyone agreed that was good. But the Chemist said his dog could do better. He called his dog and said, "Measure, do your stuff!". Measure got up, walked over to the fridge, took out a quart of milk, got a 10 ounce glass from the cupboard and poured exactly 8 ounces without spilling a drop. Everyone agreed that was good. The three men turned to the Government Worker and said, "What can your dog do?". The Government Worker called to his dog and said, "Coffee Break, do your stuff!". Coffee Break jumped to his feet, ate the cookies, drank the milk, dumped on the paper, sexually assaulted the other three dogs, claimed he injured his back while doing so, filed a grievance report for unsafe working conditions, put in for Worker's Compensation and went home on sick leave.

I used to drink all brands of beer. Now, I am older Budweiser!

What`s the key to a great Thanksgiving dinner? The turKEY.

A man walks into a bar on the top floor of a skyscraper. He sits down and orders a beer. After taking a drink he sees the guy next to him go over to the window and jump out! "Holy cow! Did you see that!? That guy just jumped out the window!" The bartender does nothing. So the man takes another sip. A minute later the same guy walks in, orders another drink, chugs it, and jumps out the window again. "Jesus! He just jumped again!" The bartender ignores the man. So the man sits puzzled. The guy comes back into the bar, and orders another drink. "How did you survive that jump?".."I ordered a floatie drink, if you drink it in a certain amount of time, you can float." So the guy quickly orders a 'floatie' drink. He takes it from the bartender, and chugs it. He then jumps out the window and...SPLAT! Right on the sidewalk! The Bartender then says, "You know, Superman...you can be a real jerk when you're drunk."

After I had purchased movie tickets for myself and my girlfriend, she went inside to find seats while I got some popcorn. By the time I was served, the previews were being shown. I stumbled my way through the dark, sat down, and gave my girlfriend a kiss. Then I heard a familiar voice say, "John, I'm back here."

What do sea monsters eat for lunch? Fish and ships.

What is yellow and goes click-click? A ball-point banana. Witch: Will I lose my looks as I get older? Wizard: With luck, yes. Witch.

This simple five question test will help determine how drunk you really are. Begin by answering each of the five questions below truthfully. Then determine your score based on question answer values provided. Lastly, compare your score to the results for a final answer.1. Think about your wife. In your mind, is she: the most beautiful woman alive; a beautiful woman; attractive; ugly as sin.2. Think about your job. In your mind, is it: the best job on the planet; a good job; a decent job; the most annoying job ever.3. Try walking. What happened? Did you: find it impossible to stand up; fall after standing up; walk fifty feet before falling flat on your face; walk one thousand feet without falling.4. How did you get to the bar? I got here in: my brand new chauffer-driven limo; a brand new car; a used car; a rented, rusted, and damaged 1950 japanese import.5. What do you think of your strength? I am: invincible; stronger than anyone in the bar; as strong as the average man; a weak and pathetic being.Question answer valuesFor every question answered with an A, add ten points.For every question answered with a B, add five points.For every question answered with a C, do not change the score.For every question answered with a D, subtract five points.For every question answered with an E, add one hundred points.ResultsFor scores ranging from fifty to 135, congratulations. You`re over and above the normal drunk. Generally, at least they are able to select a valid option. An e option does not even exist on this test. You should probably check yourself into a hospital for alcohol poisoning.For scores ranging from thirty-five to fifty, you had ten too many beers. If you plan on driving home, make out a will first--that is, if you can even remember your own name. Lastly, don`t even think about standing up.For scores ranging from fifteen to thirty-five, you have had one too many beers. Don`t drive unless you want a higher insurance rate. Standing up will probably result in injury.For scores ranging from zero to fifteen, you may want to stop drinking now. You have probably had enough beers but don`t drive unless you want a ticket. If you choose to ignore the tip to stop drinking, it is not a problem; you probably still have the ability to stand up.For scores ranging from negative twenty-five to zero, you must just be getting started! I bet you don`t even have one beer in you. In terms of driving, you are probably just getting out of the car and are walking to the bar this very moment.

Young woman sat down in small restaurant, a waitress came over to take her order. "I'll have a hamburger please." "Burger!" she yelled over her shoulder. Then woman added. "Make that well done." Waitres turned away again. "Torture it!" she yelled.

What do you call a dangerous fish who drinks too much? A beer-a-cuda!

How do you fix a broken pizza? With tomato paste.

Chuck Norris can drink soup with a fork faster than you can beg for mercy.

The only reason Godzilla goes back into the ocean is because Chuck Norris is expecting him...for dinner.

Teacher: What is Ba + Na2? Pupil: Banana.

When Chuck Norris goes to a fast food place, his order is ready before he walks in.

An elderly man was at home, dying in bed. He smelled the aroma of his favorite chocolate chip cookies baking. He wanted one last cookie before he died. He fell out of bed, crawled to the landing, rolled down the stairs, and crawled into the kitchen where his wife was busily baking cookies. With waning strength he crawled to the table and was just barely able to lift his withered arm to the cookie sheet. As he grasped a warm, moist, chocolate chip cookie, his favorite kind, his wife suddenly whacked his hand with a spatula. "Why?" he whispered. "Why did you do that?" "They're for the funeral!"

Directions Shlomo goes to see his psychiatrist. "Doctor, my wife Fay is being unfaithful to me. Every night, she goes to Palwin’s Wine Bar and picks up a man. She sleeps with anybody who asks her to. I`m going crazy with worry. What on earth should I do?" Relax," says the Doctor, "take a couple of deep breaths and try to calm down. Now, first of all tell me exactly where Palwin’s Wine Bar is."

So, this mushroom walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender says, "Sorry, but we don't serve your kind here." Then the mushroom says, "Why, I'm a fun guy."

Why are bananas never lonely? Because they hang around in bunches.

During the wedding rehearsal, the groom approached the pastor with an unusual offer. "Look, I'll give you $100 if you'll change the wedding vows. When you get to me and the part where I'm to promise to 'love, honor and obey' and 'forsaking all others, be faithful to her forever,' I'd appreciate it if you'd just leave that part out." He passed the minister a $100 bill and walked away satisfied. The next day during the wedding ceremony, the time came for the bride and groom to exchange their vows. The pastor looked the young man in the eye and said, "Will you promise to prostrate yourself before her, obey her every command and wish, serve her breakfast in bed every morning of your life, and swear eternally before God and your lovely wife that you will not ever even look at another woman, as long as you both shall live?" The groom gulped, looked around, and said in a tiny voice, "Yes." He then leaned toward the pastor and hissed, "I thought we had a deal." The pastor put the $100 bill into the groom's hand and whispered back, "She made me a much better offer."