You Know You Have Had Too Much Coffee When...*Juan Valdez names his donkey after you*You get a speeding ticket even when you`re parked*You grind your coffee beans in your mouth*You sleep with your eyes open*You have to watch videos in fast-forward*You lick your coffee pot clean*Your eyes stay open when you sneeze*The nurse needs a scientific calculator to take your pulse*You can type sixty words a minute with your feet*You can jump-start your car without cables*Your only sources of nutrition comes from "Sweet & Low"*You don`t sweat, you percolate*You`ve worn out the handle on your favorite coffee mug*You go to AA meetings just for the free coffee*You`ve worn the finish off you coffee table*The Taster`s Choice couple wants to adopt you*Starbuck`s owns the mortgage on your house*You`re so wired you pick up FM radio*Your life`s goal is to "amount to a hill of beans"*Instant coffee takes too long*You want to be cremated just so you can spend eternity in a coffee can*You name your cats "Cream" and "Sugar"*Your lips are permanently stuck in the sipping position*Your first-aid kit contains two pints of coffee with an I.V. hookup.

How much does a Chinese restaurant weigh? Won Ton.

School lunches are not generally popular with those that have to eat them, and sometimes with good reason. "What kind of pie do you call this?" asked one schoolboy indignantly. "What's it taste of?" asked the cook. "Glue!" "Then it's apple pie, the plum pie tastes of soap."

A cowboy rode into town and stopped at a saloon for a drink. Unfortunately, the locals always had a habit of picking on strangers, which he was. When he finished his drink, he found his horse had been stolen. He goes back into the bar, handily flips his gun into the air, catches it above his head without even looking and fires a shot into the ceiling. "WHICH ONE OF YOU SIDEWINDERS STOLE MY HOSS?" he yelled with surprising forcefulness. No one answered. "ALL RIGHT I'M GONNA HAVE ANOTHA BEER, AND IF MY HOSS AIN'T BACK OUTSIDE BY THE TIME I FINISH, I'M GONNA DO WHAT I DUN IN TEXAS! AND I DON'T LIKE TO HAVE TO DO WHAT I DUN IN TEXAS!" Some of the locals shifted restlessly. He had another beer, walked outside, and his horse is back! He saddles-up and starts to ride out of town. The bartender wanders out of the bar and asks, "Say partner, before you go... what did happen in Texas?" The cowboy turned back and said, "I had to walk home."

Feline Physics LawsLaw of Cat InertiaA cat at rest will tend to remain at rest, unless acted upon by some outside force - such as the opening of cat food, or a nearby scurrying mouse.Law of Cat MotionA cat will move in a straight line, unless there is a really good reason to change direction.Law of Cat MagnetismAll blue blazers and black sweaters attract cat hair in direct proportion to the darkness of the fabric.Law of Cat ThermodynamicsHeat flows from a warmer to a cooler body, except in the case of a cat, in which case all heat flows to the cat.Law of Cat StretchingA cat will stretch to a distance proportional to the length of the nap just taken.Law of Cat SleepingAll cats must sleep with people whenever possible, in a position as uncomfortable for the people involved, and as comfortable as possible for the cat.Law of Cat ElongationA cat can make her body long enough to reach just about any counter top that has anything remotely interesting on it.Law of Cat ObstructionA cat must lay on the floor in such a position to obstruct the maximum amount of human foot traffic.Law of Cat AccelerationA cat will accelerate at a constant rate, until he gets good and ready to stop.Law of Dinner Table AttendanceCats must attend all meals when anything good is served.Law of Rug ConfigurationNo rug may remain in its naturally flat state for very long.Law of Obedience ResistanceA cat`s resistance varies in proportion to a human`s desire for her to do something.First Law of Energy ConservationCats know that energy can neither be created nor destroyed and will, therefore, use as little energy as possible.Second Law of Energy ConservationCats also know that energy can only be stored by a lot of napping.Law of Refrigerator ObservationIf a cat watches a refrigerator long enough, someone will come along and take out something good to eat.Law of Electric Blanket AttractionTurn on an electric blanket and a cat will jump into bed at the speed of light.Law of Random Comfort SeekingA cat will always seek, and usually take over, the most comfortable spot in any given room.Law of Bag/Box OccupancyAll bags and boxes in a given room must contain a cat within the earliest possible nanosecond.Law of Cat EmbarrassmentA cat`s irritation rises in direct proportion to her embarrassment times the amount of human laughter.Law of Milk ConsumptionA cat will drink his weight in milk, squared, just to show you he can.Law of Furniture ReplacementA cat`s desire to scratch furniture is directly proportional to the cost of the furniture.Law of Cat LandingA cat will always land in the softest place possible; often the mid- section of an unsuspecting, reclining human.Law of Fluid DisplacementA cat immersed in milk will displace her own volume, minus the amount of milk consumed.Law of Cat DisinterestA cat`s interest level will vary in inverse proportion to the amount of effort a human expends in trying to interest him.Law of Pill RejectionAny pill given to a cat has the potential energy to reach escape velocity.Law of Cat CompositionA cat is composed of Matter + Anti-Matter + It Doesn`t Matter.

Joe, the neighborhood chronic borrower approached his neighbor, "Ray, may I borrow your axe?" "Not today," Ray replied, "I have to make soup." "What kind of excuse it that?!" demanded Joe. "Well," confessed Ray, "I admit its a lousy excuse. But, if I don't want to loan you my axe, one excuse is as good as another."

A man is dining in a fancy restaurant, and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He had been checking her out since he sat down, but lacked the nerve to talk with her. Suddenly she sneezes and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket towards the man. He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back. "Oh my, I am so sorry," the woman says as she pops her eye back in place. "Let me buy you dessert to make it up to you." They enjoy a wonderful dessert together, and afterwards, the woman invites him to the theater followed by drinks. After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place and stay for breakfast the next morning. The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy is amazed! Everything has been incredible! "You know," he said, "you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?" "No," she replies, "you just happened to catch my eye."

PATIENT: Doctor, doctor. I've come up in spots like cherries on a cake. DOCTOR: Ah, you must have analogy.

All the farmers for a hundred miles around were attending the wedding of a young Australian couple. Waiting for things to get started, they were somewhat shocked to see the bride's father storm up the aisle, jacket off, sleeves rolled up, and obviously very angry. "The weddin's off," he shouted, "Everybody bugger off!" Dismayed and muttering, the guests repaired to the parking lot, grumbling about their missed opportunity for free beer. One guest, a friend of the bride's father, held back, and approached him. "What's the problem?" he asked. "Someone stole a keg of beer, and some bastard fucked the bride!", exclaimed the father. The guest, taken aback, and rendered speechless, left the church, joining the other farmers. A few minutes later, the father reappeared and yelled "All right! Everyone back inside! The weddin's on again!" As the farmers filed back into the church, the friend again approached the father of the bride, and asked "What happened to make you change your mind?" Grinning sheepishly, he replied, "Oh, well, we... uh... we found the keg of beer."

Before the inauguration, George W. was invited to a 'get acquainted' tour of the White House. After drinking several glasses of iced tea, he asked President Clinton if he could use his personal bathroom. He was astonished to see that the President had a solid gold urinal! That afternoon, George W. told his wife, Laura, about the urinal. "Just think," he said, "when I am President, I'll have my own personal gold urinal!" Later, when Laura had lunch with Hillary at her tour of the White House, she told Hillary how impressed George had been with his discovery of the fact that, in the President's private bathroom, the President had a gold urinal. That evening.

Definition of Outdoor Barbecuing It's the only type of cooking a "real" man will do. When a man volunteers to do such cooking, the following chain of events is put into motion. The woman goes to the store. The woman fixes the salad, vegetables, and dessert. The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along with the necessary cooking utensils, and takes it to the man, who is lounging beside the grill. The man places the meat on the grill. The woman goes inside to set the table and check the vegetables. The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is burning. The man takes the meat off the grill and hands it to the woman. The woman prepares the plates and brings them to the table. After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes. The man asks the woman how she enjoyed "her night off." And, upon seeing her annoyed reaction, concludes that there's just no pleasing some women.

Old Abraham was a poor tailor whose shop was next door to a very upscale French restaurant. Every day at lunch time, Abraham would go out the back of his shop and eat his black bread and herring while smelling the wonderful odors coming from the restaurant's kitchen. One day, Abraham was surprised to receive an invoice from the restaurant for 'enjoyment of food'. So he went to the restaurant to point out that he had not bought anything from them. The manager said, "You're enjoying our food, so you should pay us for it." Abraham refused to pay and the restaurant sued him. At the hearing, the judge asked the restaurant to present their side of the case. The manager said, "Every day, this man comes and sits outside our kitchen and smells our food while eating his. It is clear that we are providing added value to his poor food and we deserve to be compensated for it." The judge turns to Abraham and said, "What do you have to say to that?" Abraham didn't say anything but stuck his hand in his pocket and rattled the few coins he had inside. The judge asked him, "What is the meaning of that?" Abraham replied, "I'm paying for the smell of his food with the sound of my money."

Shipwrecked At the end of a hard year’s work, Moshe decides to take a holiday right away and he books himself on a Caribbean cruise. The first few days of the cruise are perfect but then calamity - the ship sinks and Moshe ends up on a small, uncharted island. He looks around and sees that there is nothing nearby except bananas and coconuts. Still, these are better than starving to death. Ten weeks later, as he is sitting in the shade, to his surprise a small boat lands on the beach and the most beautiful woman he has ever seen gets out, walks over to him and says, "Hi." He can’t believe his luck. He replies, "Hi to you too. Where on earth have you come from? How did you get here? What’s your name?" "Hold on," she says, "one question at a time. I landed on the other side of this island about 10 weeks ago when my cruise liner sank. I’ve just rowed here from the other side. Oh, and my name is Hannah." "That’s amazing, Hannah," he says. "My name is Moshe. You were lucky to have a rowboat wash up with you." "Oh, this?" replies Hannah, "I made it myself out of raw materials I found on the island. The oars are made from pine tree branches, I wove the bottom from palm branches and the sides came from a Eucalyptus tree." "But where did you get the tools from?" he asks. "Oh, I made the tools myself," replies Hannah. "I found an unusual strata of exposed alluvial rock which I heated in my kiln. It melted into a soft iron-like material which I used to make the tools which in turn I used to make the boat." Moshe is silent. He can’t believe her skills. "If it’s OK with you, why don’t I now row you to my place?" she says. Moshe just nods his acceptance. It takes Hannah just ten minutes to row to her placed. As they near the shore, Moshe is surprised to see a stone walkway leading up to a very smart sky blue bungalow. Hannah ties up her boat at a small jetty using a hand made flaxen rope, and they enter the bungalow. "It`s not really much," says Hannah, "but to me, Moshe, it’s home. Please sit down and I’ll get you a drink." "No thanks," Moshe replies, "I just couldn’t drink any more coconut juice." "But you don’t have to have coconut juice," says Hannah, "How about a Pina Colada? I’ve made a still." As they sit down on her hand made couch drinking their Pina Coladas, Moshe looks around and is amazed at what Hannah has achieved in such a short time. After a while, Hannah gets up and says, "I’m going to slip into something more comfortable. While you’re waiting, why don’t you take a shower and then have a shave? You’ll find a razor in the bathroom cabinet." Moshe goes into the bathroom and runs his bath. It even has hot water from a kind of thermal heating device Hannah has rigged up. After his bath, he goes to the wooden cabinet and finds a razor made of shells roped together inside a swivel mechanism. While he’s having an excellent shave, Moshe thinks, "Hannah is unbelievable, truly amazing - whatever will I discover next? She can do anything." When he returns, Hannah greets him wearing only a few carefully placed vine leaves and smelling of honeysuckle - she looks utterly fantastic. Hanna beckons Moshe to sit next to her, which he does. Hannah smiles at Moshe in a seductive manner and slithers up closer to him. "Moshe," she says, staring into his eyes, "we`ve both been out here for 10 weeks. Now you’ve found me, is there something you really feel like doing right now, something you`ve been longing to do for all these weeks. You know..." Moshe can`t believe it. "You mean …… I can check my e-mail from here?"

Yo momma's so poor, when I told her about the Last Supper, she thought the food stamps had run out.

Clever signs Over a gynaecologist’s office - "Dr. Levy, at your cervix." On Yitzhak the plumber`s truck - "I repair what your husband fixed." Also on Yitzhak the plumber`s truck - "Don`t sleep with a drip. Call me." On Cohen’s Pizza shop - "7 days without pizza makes one weak." Also on Cohen’s Pizza shop - "Buy my pizza. I knead the dough." In Moshe the plastic surgeon`s office - "Hello. Can I pick your nose?" On Hyman the electrician`s truck - "Let me remove your shorts." On a maternity room door at a Jewish hospital - "Push. Push. Push." At Benny the optometrist`s office - "If you don`t see what you`re looking for, you`ve come to the right place." In Abe the podiatrist`s office - "Time wounds all heels." In Shlomo the veterinarian`s waiting room - "Back in 5mins. Sit! Stay!" In Issy’s restaurant window - "Don`t stand there and be hungry. Come on in and get fed up." In the front yard of Isaac’s funeral home - "Drive carefully. I`ll wait." On Benjy’s radiator shop - "Best place in town to take a leak."

Your mama so fat, she had a dream about marshmallows and woke up and her pillows were gone.

A family took their frail, elderly mother to a nursing home and left her, hoping she would be well cared for. The next morning, the nurses bathed her, fed her a tasty breakfast, and set her in a chair at a window overlooking a lovely flower garden. She seemed okay, but after a while she slowly started to tilt sideways in her chair. Two attentive nurses immediately rushed up to catch her and straighten her up. Again she seemed okay, but after a while she slowly started to tilt over to her other side. The nurses rushed back and once more brought her back upright. This went on all morning. Later, the family arrived to see how the old woman was adjusting to her new home. "So Ma, how is it here? Are they treating you all right?" "It's pretty nice," she replied. "Except they won't let me fart."

The Perfect Worker 1 Bob Smith, my assistant programmer, can always be found 2 hard at work in his cubicle. Bob works independently, without 3 wasting company time talking to colleagues. Bob never 4 thinks twice about assisting fellow employees, and he always 5 finishes given assignments on time. Often he takes extended 6 measures to complete his work, sometimes skipping coffee 7 breaks. Bob is a dedicated individual who has absolutely no 8 vanity in spite of his high accomplishments and profound 9 knowledge in his field. I firmly believe that Bob can be 10 classed as a high-caliber employee, the type which cannot be 11 dispensed with. Consequently, I duly recommend that Bob be 12 promoted to executive management, and a proposal will be 13 executed as soon as possible. Addendum: That idiot was standing over my shoulder while I wrote the report sent to you earlier today. Kindly re-read only the odd numbered lines.

Age Succesful Date 17 "tongue" 25 "breakfast" 35 "She didn't set back my therapy." 48 "I didn't have to meet her kids." 66 "Got home alive."

It`s called "fast" food because you`re supposed to eat it really fast. Otherwide, you might actually taste it.