How do you make gold soup? Put 14 carrots in it.

John Smith was the only Protestant to move into a large Catholic neighborhood. On the first Friday of Lent, John was outside grilling a big juicy steak on his grill. Meanwhile, all of his neighbors were eating cold tuna fish for supper. This went on each Friday of Lent. On the last Friday of Lent, the neighborhood men got together and decided that something had to be done about John, he was tempting them to eat meat each Friday of Lent, and they couldn't take it anymore. They decided to try and convert John to Catholicism. They went over and talked to him and were so happy that he decided to join all of his neighbors and become a Catholic. They took him to Church, and the Priest sprinkled some water over him, and said, "You were born a Baptist, you were raised a Baptist, and now you are a Catholic." The men were so relieved, now their biggest Lenten temptation was resolved. The next year's Lenten season rolled around. The first Friday of Lent came, and just at supper time, when the neighborhood was setting down to their tuna fish dinner, came the wafting smell of steak cooking on a grill. The neighborhood men could not believe their noses! WHAT WAS GOING ON? They called each other up and decided to meet over in John's yard to see if he had forgotten it was the first Friday of Lent? The group arrived just in time to see John standing over his grill with a small pitcher of water. He was sprinkling some water over his steak on the grill, saying, "You were born a cow, you were raised a cow, and now you are a fish."

Ten holiday differences explained 1. Christmas is one day. It’s the same day every year, December 25. Jews love Christmas as it’s another paid day off work. We go to the cinema, eat at a Chinese restaurant and go Israeli dancing. Chanukah is 8 days. It starts the evening of the 24th of Kislev, whenever that falls. No one is ever sure - until that is, a Christian friend asks when Chanukah starts, forcing us to consult a calendar. We all have the same calendar, provided free with the Jewish Chronicle newspaper. 2. Christmas is a major holiday. Chanukah is a minor holiday with the same theme as most of the other Jewish holidays – ‘They attempted to kill us, we survived, so let`s eat already’. 3. There is only one way to spell Christmas. No one can decide how to spell Chanukah, Chanukah, Chanukka, Channukah, Hanukah, Hannukah. 4. Christmas is a time of pressure for husbands and boyfriends because their partners expect special gifts. Jewish men are relieved of that burden because, surprisingly, no one expects a diamond ring on Chanukah. 5. Christians get wonderful presents such as jewellery, perfume and digital cameras. Jews get practical presents such as scarves, underwear, socks and pyjamas. 6. Christmas end up in high electricity bills. But because candles are used for Chanukah, Jews are spared such high bills. We even feel good because we aren’t adding to the energy crisis. 7. Christmas carols are beautiful (Silent Night, Come O Ye Faithful). Chanukah songs are about clay dreidels and similar. Nevertheless, we are proud that many carols were written and sung by Barbara Streisand and Neil Diamond. 8. Homes getting ready for Christmas smell great with the sweet aromas of cookies and cakes. Everyone is in a festive mood. Homes getting ready for Chanukah smell of frying oil and potatoes and onions. Everyone as usual is talking loudly and at the same time. 9. Women have great fun baking Christmas cookies, but Jewish women burn their eyes and cut their hands grating potatoes and onions making latkes on Chanukah - a reminder of our suffering through the ages. 10. Many Christians believe in the virgin birth. Jews think, "Come on Joseph, bubela, snap out of it. Your woman is pregnant, you didn`t sleep with her and now you want to blame God. Here, take the number of my psychoanalyst. He might be able to help you."

A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog vendor and says "Make me one with everything."

What ghost is handy in the kitchen? A recipe spook.

25 Signs That You Are Italian And Live In The 3rd Millennium ~ 1. You just tried to enter your password on the microwave 2. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of three 3. You call your son`s beeper to let him know it`s time to eat. He emails you back from his bedroom, "What`s for dinner?" 4. Your daughter sells Girl Scout Cookies via her web site. 5. You chat several times a day with a stranger from South Africa, but you haven`t spoken with your next door neighbor yet this year. 6. You check the ingredients on a can of chicken noodle soup to see if it contains Echinacea. 7. Your grandmother asks you to send her a JPEG file of your newborn so she can create a screen saver. 8. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is home. 9. Every commercial on television has a web-site address at the bottom of the screen. 10. You buy a computer and 6 months later it is out of date and now sells for half the price you paid. 11. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn`t have the first 20 or 30 years of your life, is cause for panic and turning around to go get it. 12. Using real money, instead of credit or debit, to make a purchase would be a hassle and take planning. 13. Cleaning up the dining room means getting the fast food bags out of the back seat of your car. 14. Your reason for not staying in touch with family is that they do not have e-mail addresses. 15. You consider second-day air delivery painfully slow. 16. Your dining room table is now your flat filing cabinet. 17. Your idea of being organized is multiple-colored Post-it notes. 18. You hear most of your jokes via e-mail instead of in person. 19. You get an extra phone line so you can get phone calls. 20. You disconnect from the Internet and get this awful feeling, as if you just pulled the plug on a loved one. 21. You get up in morning and go online before getting your coffee. 22. You wake up at 2 am to go to the bathroom and check your E-mail on your way back to bed. 23. You start tilting your head sideways to smile. 24. You`re reading this. 25. Even worse; you`re going to forward it to someone else.

1. Nodding and looking at your watch would be deemed an acceptable response to "I love you." 2. Hallmark would make "Sorry, what was your name again?" cards. 3. When your girlfriend really needed to talk to you during the game, she would appear in a little box in the corner of the screen during a half time. 4. Breaking up would be a lot easier. A smack to the bum would pretty much do it. 5. Birth control would come in ale or lager. 6. The funniest guy in the office would get to be CEO. 7. "Sorry I'm late, but I got hammered last night" would be an acceptable excuse for tardiness. 8. It'd be considered harmless fun to gather 30 friends, put on horned helmets, and go pillage a nearby town. 9. Lifeguards could remove citizens from beaches for violating the "public ugliness" ordinance. 10. Tanks would be far easier to rent. 11. Instead of a beer belly, you'd get "beer biceps." 12. Instead of an expensive engagement ring, you could present your wife-to-be with a giant foam hand that said, "You're #1!" 13. Valentine's Day would be moved to February 29th so it would only occur in leap years. 14. Cops would be broadcast live, and you could phone in advice to the pursuing cops. Or to the crooks. 15. Two words: Ally McNaked. 16. The victors in any athletic competition would get to kill and eat the losers. 17. The only show opposite Monday Night Football would be Monday Night Football from a Different Camera Angle. 18. It would be perfectly legal to steal a sports car, as long as you returned it the following day with a full tank of gas. 19. Every man would get four real Get Out of Jail Free cards per year. 20. When a cop gave you a ticket, every smart-alec answer you responded with would actually reduce your fine. As in: Cop: "You know how fast you were going?" You: "All I know is, I was spilling my beer all over the place." Cop: "Nice one. That's $10 off." 21. Daisy Duke shorts would never again go out of style. 22. Telephones would automatically cut off after 30 seconds of conversation.

Q: What did the grape say when it was stepped on? A: Nothing, it just let out a little wine.

Once, Chuck Norris ate 200 grapes, and peed out wine.

A rather naive gentleman was found by a friend sitting on the floor eating a pound of butter and a quart of ice cream. The friend asked him what he thought he was doing. The reply, "My doctor told me to go on a low fat diet.

A man walked into a crowded restaurant and caught the eye of a harried waiter. " You know, he said, "it`s been 10 years since I came in here. "Don`t blame me, the waiter snapped. "I`m working as fast as I can..

A man walks into a doctor's office. He has a cucumber up his nose, a carrot in his left ear and a banana in his right ear. Man: "What's the matter with me?" Doctor: "You're not eating properly."

According to the principle of the sandwich, if you put butter on both sides the sandwich will hang in the air.

An avid line dancing couple go to the doctor for a check up because they are having trouble remembering anything but, all the latest line dances. The doctor finds them in excellent health , but suggests that writing things down may help their memories off the dance floor. That night the husband gets up to go the kitchen and the wife asks for a dish of ice cream, suggesting that maybe he write it down. He says "I don't need to write it down" She says "Well I want Strawberries on it, so maybe you better write it down" "I don"t need to write it down" He says and walks off in a huff. Twenty minutes later he comes back with a plate of bacon and eggs. "I told you to write it down" she says, "You forgot my toast".

A person has to have a warm heart and a cold beer.

On the lighter side of religion, here are some actual sentences found in church bulletins and newsletters: 1) Don't let worry kill you. Let the Church help. 2) Thursday night - potluck supper. Prayer and medication to follow. 3) Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community. 4) For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs. 5) The rosebud on the altar this morning is to announce the birth of David Alan Belzer, the sin of Rev. and Mrs. Julius Belzer. 6) This afternoon there will be a meeting in the south and north ends of the church. Children will be baptized at both ends. 7) Tuesday at 4pm there will be an ice cream social. All ladies giving milk will please come early. 8) Wednesday, the Ladies Liturgy Society will meet. Mrs. Jones will sing "Put Me In My Little Bed" accompanied by the pastor. 9) Thursday at 5pm there will be a meeting of the Little Mothers Club. All wishing to become Little Mother, please see the minister in his private study. 10) This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Lewis to come forward and lay an egg on the altar. 11) The service will close with "Little Drops Of Water". One of the ladies will start and the rest of the congregation will join in. 12) Next Sunday, a special collection will be taken to defray the cost of the new carpet. All those wishing to do something on the new carpet will come forward and get a piece of paper. 13) The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind and they may be seen in the church basement Friday. 14) A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow. 15) At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice. 16) Weight Watchers will meet at 7 p.m. at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance. 17) The 1991 Spring Council Retreat will be hell May 10 and 11. 18) Pastor is on vacation. Massages can be given to church secretary. 19) Eight new choir robes are currently needed, due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones. 20) Mrs. Johnson will be entering the hospital this week for testes. 21) The senior choir invites any member of the congregation who enjoys sinning to join the choir. 22) Please join us as we show our support for Amy and Alan in preparing for the girth of their first child. 23) Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children. 24) The associate minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign slogan last Sunday: "I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours."

What did the ice cream say to the unhappy cake? "Hey, what's eating you?"

A man walked into a cowboy bar and ordered a beer just as President Bush appeared on the television. After a few sips, he looked up at the television and mumbled, "Now, there's the biggest horse's ass I've ever seen." A customer at the end of the bar quickly stood up, walked over to him, and decked him. A few minutes later, as the man was finishing his beer, Mrs. Bush appeared on the television. "She's a horse's ass too," the man. This time, a customer at the other end of the bar quickly stood up, walked over to him, and knocked him off his stool. "Damn it!" the man said, climbing back up to the bar. "This must be Bush country!" "Nope," the bartender replied. "Horse country!"

When Chuck Norris goes out for sushi, instead of eating sushi, he only eats the wasabi. He says it tastes like ice cream.

Chuck Norris' crotch cakes do not taste like Twinkies.