Waiter, there is a fly in my soup! Sorry sir, maybe I've forgotten it when I removed the other three.

Two rednecks, Bubba and Earl, were driving down the road drinking a couple of bottles of Bud. The passenger, Bubba, said "Lookey thar up ahead, Earl, it's a police roadblock! We're gonna get busted fer drinkin' these here beers!" "Don't worry, Bubba," Earl said. "We'll just pull over and finish drinkin' these beers then peel off the label and stick it on our foreheads, and throw the bottles under the seat." "What fer?", asked Bubba. "Just let me do the talkin', OK?," said Earl. Well, they finished their beers, threw the empties out of sight & put label on each of their foreheads. When they reached the roadblock, the sheriff said, "You boys been drinkin'?" "No, sir," said Earl while pointing at the labels. "We're on the patch."

One day while walking down the street a highly successful Human Resources Director was hit by a bus and she died. Her soul was met at the Pearly gates by St. Peter himself. "Welcome to Heaven," said St. Peter. "Before you get settled in, it seems we have a problem. You see, we've never had a Human Resources Director make it this far and we're not really sure what to do with you." "No problem, just let me in," said the woman. "Well, I'd like to, but I have higher orders. What we are going to do is let you have a day in Hell and a day in Heaven and then you can choose whichever one you want to spend an eternity in." "Actually, I think I've made up my mind, I prefer to stay in Heaven," said the woman. "Sorry,we have rules... " And with that St. Peter put the executive in an elevator and it went down to hell. The doors opened and she found herself stepping out onto the putting green of a beautiful golf course. In the distance was a country club and standing in front of her were all her friends - fellow executives that she had worked with and they were all cheering for her. They ran up and kissed her on both cheeks and talked about old times. They played an excellent round of golf and at night went to the country club where she enjoyed an excellent steak and lobster dinner. She met the Devil who was actually a really nice guy and she had a great time telling jokes and dancing. Everybody shook her hand and waved good-bye as she got in the elevator. The elevator opened at the Pearly gates and she found St. Peter waiting for her. She spent the next 24 hours lounging around on the clouds and playing the harp and singing. She had a great time and before she knew it her 24 hours were up and St. Peter came and got her. "So you have spent a day in hell, and a day in Heaven. Now choose your eternity," he said. The woman replied: "Well I never thought I would say this, I mean, Heaven has been really great and all, but I think I had a better time in Hell." So St. Peter escorted her to the elevator and again she went back to Hell. When the doors opened she found herself standing in a desolate wasteland covered in garbage and filth. She saw her friends were dressed in rags and were picking up the garbage and putting it in sacks. The Devil came up to her and put his arm around her. "I don't understand," stammered the woman, "yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and a country club and we ate lobster and we danced and had a great time. Now all there is are wastelands and garbage and all my friends look miserable." The Devil looked at her and smiled. "Yesterday we were recruiting you. Today, you're staff..."

Knock Knock Who's there! Bernadette! Bernadette who? Bernadette ate all my dinner and now I'm starving!

A dinner speaker was in such a hurry to get to his engagement that when he arrived and sat down at the head table, he suddenly realized that he had forgotten his false teeth. Turning to the man next to him he said, "I forgot my teeth." The man said, "No problem." With that he reached into his pocket and pulled out a pair of false teeth. "Try these," he said. The speaker tried them. "Too loose," he said. The man then said, "I have another pair...try these." The speaker tried them and responded, "Too tight." The man was not taken back at all. He then said, "I have one more paid of false teeth...try them." The speaker said, "They fit perfectly." With that he ate his meal and gave his address. After the dinner meeting was over, the speaker went over to thank the man who had helped him. "I want to thank you for coming to my aid. Where is your office? I've been looking for a good dentist." The man replied, "I'm not a dentist. I'm the local undertaker."

Ice Cream Knock KnocksKnock! Knock!Who`s there?Ice cream!Ice cream who?Ice cream if you throw me in the cold, cold water!Knock! Knock!Who`s there?Ice cream soda!Ice cream soda who?ICE CREAM SODA PEOPLE CAN HEAR ME...Knock KnockWho`s there?Ice cream!Ice cream who?Ice cream of Jeannie!

ConFuSciouS SayS: "man who run in front of car get tired" "man who run behind car get exhausted" "man with one hand in pocket not neccessarily jingling change" "To prevent hangover stay drunk!" "Passionate kiss like spider`s web - soon lead to undoing of fly." "Virginity like bubble. One prick - all gone!" "Foolish man give wife grand piano. Wise man give wife upright organ." "Man who walk thru airport turnstyle sideways going to BANGkok." "Man with one chopstick go hungry." "Penis put in vacuum cleaner get sucked off." "Woman who eat banana get cream in mouth." "Man trapped in whore house get jerked around." "Man who scratches ass should not bite fingernails." "Man with tool in woman`s mouth, not necessarily a dentist." "Man who eat many prunes get good run for money." "Man with hand in pocket is having a ball." "Baseball is wrong. Man with four balls cannot walk!" "Panties not best thing on earth, but next to it." "Put rooster in freezer to get a stiff cock." "Man who pull out too fast leave rubber." "A man with his hands in pockets feels foolish, but a man with holes in pockets feels nuts." "Woman who wear G-string, high on crack!" "War doesn`t determine who`s right. War determines who`s left." "Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cat house." "Man who sleep in cathouse by day, sleep in doghouse by night." "Man with hand in bush not necessarily trimming shrubs." "Man who fight with wife all day, get no piece at night!" "If you park, don`t drink, accidents cause people." "Man who tell one too many light bulb jokes soon burn out!" "It takes many nails to build crib, but one screw to fill it." "Man who eat many prunes, sit on toilet many moons." "Man who bounce woman on bed spring this spring have offspring next spring." "Man who drive like hell, bound to get there!" "Man who sit on tack get point!" "Man who stand on toilet is high on pot!" "Man with hole in pocket feel cocky all day!" "People who live in plexi-glass houses should not throw abrasive cleansers." "Man who lives in glass house should change in basement" "Boy who go to bed with sexual problem wake up with problem in hand" "People who make Confucious joke speak bad English." "He who fishes in other man`s well often catches crabs."

Steve, Bob and Jeff are all working on some very high scaffolding. Suddenly, Steve falls off and is killed instantly. After the ambulance leaves with Steve's body, Bob and Jeff realise they'll have to inform his wife. Bob says he's good with this sort of sensitive stuff, so he volunteers to do it. After two hours, he returns carrying a six-pack of beer. "So, did you tell her?" Asks Jeff. "Yep." Replies Bob. "Hey, where did you get the six-pack?" "She gave it to me." "What?!" Exclaims Jeff. "You just told her that her husband died, and she gave you a six-pack?!" "Sure. When she answered the door, I asked her whether she was Steve's widow. 'Widow?' She said. 'No, no..I'm not a widow. You must be mistaken.' So I said, 'I'll bet you a six-pack you are!'"

10. Cats' facial expressions 9. The need for the same style of shoes in different colors 8. Why bean sprouts aren't just weeds 7. Fat clothes 6. Taking a car trip without trying to beat your best time 5. The difference between beige, off-white, and eggshell 4. Cutting your bangs to make them grow 3. Eyelash curlers 2. The inaccuracy of every bathroom scale ever made AND, the Number One thing only women understand: 1. OTHER WOMEN.

How does a man take a bubble bath? He eats beans for dinner.

During a dinner party, the hosts' two little children entered the dining room totally nude and walked slowly around the table. The parents were so embarrassed that they pretended nothing was happening and kept he conversation going. The guests cooperated and also continued as if nothing extraordinary was happening. After going all the way around the room, the children left, and there was a moment of silence at the table, during which one child was heard to say, "You see, it is vanishing cream!"

Two robins were sitting in a tree. "I`m really hungry", said the first one. "Me, too", said the second. "Let`s fly down and find some lunch."They flew to the ground and found a nice plot of plowed ground full of worms. They ate and ate and ate `til they could eat no more."I`m so full I don`t think I can fly back up to the tree," said the first one."Me neither, let`s just lay here andbask in the warm sun", said the second."OK" said the first.They plopped down, basking in the sun. No sooner than they had fallen asleep, a big fat tomcat snuck up and gobbled them up.As he sat washing his face after his meal, he thought, "I love baskin` robins."

Why was the monster standing on his head at the birthday party? He heard they were having upside-down cake!

One morning while making breakfast, a man walked up to his wife and pinched her on her butt and said, "You know if you firmed this up we could get rid of your girdle." While this was on the edge of intolerable, she thought, and replied with silence. The next morning the man woke his wife with a pinch on the tit and said,"You know if you firmed these up we could ge rid of your bra." This was beyond a silent response, so she rolled over and grabbed him by the dick. With a death grip in place she said, "You know if you firmed this up we could get rid of the postman, the gardener, the pool man and your brother.

Is chicken soup good for your health? Not if you're the chicken!

Walking away from dinner Yetta and Sarah, both well known braggers, meet one Sunday at Brent Cross shopping centre. "I held a fantastic dinner party last night," says Yetta, "my guests had so much good food and wine available to them that when they left to walk over to their cars, they were all doubled-over." Without missing a beat, Sarah replies, "From your house they could walk?"

The funeral procession One morning, as Sarah is leaving Starbucks with her usual take-away coffee, she notices an unusual funeral procession coming along the road towards her. At the front is a large black hearse and 20 yards behind this is a second black hearse. A solitary woman is walking behind the second hearse with an Alsatian on a lead. Behind the woman are 50 other women walking single file. Sarah is very curious and goes over to the woman with the dog and says, "I’m sorry about your loss." "Thank you," says the woman, "you’re very kind." "I know it’s a bad time to ask," says Sarah, "but whose funeral is this?" "It’s my husband`s funeral," replies the woman. "So what happened to him?" asks Sarah. The woman replies, "My dog attacked and killed him." "And who is in the second hearse?" asks Sarah. The woman answers, "My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my husband when the dog turned on her." A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passes between the two women. "Can I borrow the dog?" asks Sarah. "Go to the back of the line," replies the woman.

And the winner is… Whenever Freda goes shopping, she carefully scrutinizes everything she buys and always battles to get the best deals. Today is the turn of the local delicatessen. As soon as she enters the shop, she looks around and puts a few items in her trolley. Then she goes over to the cash desk and says to the owner, "I don`t like the look of this whitefish of yours." "Lady," says the owner, "if you’re buying for looks, then don`t buy whitefish. Buy goldfish instead." "Clever doesn’t suit you," she replies sarcastically, "but I’ll take it." Then pointing to the chicken in her basket, she says, "And what about this here chicken, it has a broken leg." "Look lady," says the owner, "do you want to eat it or dance with it?" "Ha Ha, very funny you’re not," says Freda. "OK. But before you weigh the chicken, I want you to take out the bones." "Listen lady," says the owner, "Because I buy with bones, you`ll buy with bones." "But I never pay for chicken with bones," says Freda. "OK," says the owner, "no bones, then," as he starts removing the bones. "Thank you," says Freda smiling, "you’re a mensh. Now put the bones in a separate bag for soup. Oh…and never mind the flesh - I don`t like your chicken anyway."

Your mother's so fat, when she goes to a restaurant she doesn't get a menu, she gets an estimate.

Over the years, the Butterball Turkey Talk-Line staff have had their share of memorable calls -- inquiries that stand out from the crowd because they're heartwarming or amusing. We asked some of the veteran staff members to tell us their favorites; plus, we rounded up a bunch of our own personal favorites from the Talk-Line archives. Its hard to beat the call from a trucker who planned to cook his Thanksgiving turkey on the engine of his truck , but some of these come pretty close. Warning: do not attempt to adjust your screen -- these are real incidents, true stories -- from the front lines! * Home alone, a Kentucky woman was in the doghouse when she called the Butterball Turkey Talk-Line. While preparing the turkey, her Chihuahua jumped into the bird's body cavity and couldn't get out. She tried pulling the dog and shaking the bird, but nothing worked. She and the dog became more and more distraught. After calming the woman down, the Talk-Line home economist suggested carefully cutting the opening in the cavity of the turkey wider. It worked and Fido was freed! * Taking turkey preparation an extra step, a Virginian wondered, "How do you thaw a fresh turkey?" The Talk-Line staffer explained that fresh turkeys aren't frozen and don't need to be thawed. * Don't wait until the last minute! On Thanksgiving Day, a Georgian woman took the "Be prepared" motto to heart. She had just agreed to host Thanksgiving Dinner and called the Talk-Line a year ahead of time for turkey tips. * Thanksgiving Dinner on the run. A woman called 1-800-323-4848 to find out how long it would take to roast her turkey. To answer the question, the Talk-Line home economist asked how much the bird weighed. The woman responded, "I don't know, it's still running around outside." * Tofu turkey? No matter how you slice it, Thanksgiving just isn't Thanksgiving without turkey. A restaurant owner in California wanted to know how to roast a turkey for a vegetarian menu. * White meat, anyone? A West Coast woman took turkey preparation to extremes by scrubbing her bird with bleach. Afterward, she called the Talk-Line to find out how to clean off the bleach. To her dismay, she was advised to dispose of the turkey. * A young girl called on behalf of her mother who needed roasting advice. To provide approximate roasting times, the home economist asked what size the turkey was. Without asking her mother the little girl paused, then replied, "Medium."