"May I take your order?" the waiter asked. "Yes, how do you prepare your chickens?" "Nothing special sir," he replied. "We just tell them straight out that they're going to die."

What did the hot dog say when he crossed the finish line? I`m the wiener!

Meg's mother was visiting her daughter at camp. 'How did you find the steak dinner?' she asked. 'With a magnifying glass!'.

Q: How does a man show he's planning for the future? A: He buys two cases of beer instead of one.

Gurl, you remind me of a box of chocolates... Cause I want to take your top off.

No lawyers allowed- Prosecutors will be violated! If two lawyers were drowning, and you could only save one of them, would you read the paper or go to lunch?

Top Ten Things You Don`t Want To Hear From A Guy At Starbucks10. "We ran out of coffee filters, so I`m using one of my old undershirts."9. "Try our triple cappuccino -- It`s a legal alternative to crack."8. "Let me make sure that`s not too hot."7. "You know, I licked every one of these stirrers."6. "One Decaf Venti Skim Latte -- 39 dollars."5. "Sugar with that?"4. "Grande Caramel Macchaito? Talk English!"3. "If I catch any of you people going into a Dunkin` Donuts for coffee, I`ll break your legs!"2. "Some whipped cream for you... and some whipped cream for me."1. "After work, I`m gonna pick up a hooker-uccino."

He does not have a beer gut; he has developed a LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY. He is not quiet; he is a CONVERSATIONAL MINIMALIST. He is not stupid; he suffers from MINIMAL CRANIAL DEVELOPMENT. He is not balding; he is in FOLLICLE REGRESSION. He is not afraid of commitment; he is MONOGAMOUSLY CHALLENGED.. He is not a male chauvinist pig; he has SWINE EMPATHY.

A little old lady sits at the luncheonette counter and orders a hamburger. The huge guy behind the counter bellows, "ONE BURGER!" The cook, who's even bigger, screams, "BUR-GER!" Whereupon he grabs a huge hunk of chopped meat, stuffs it in his bare armpit, pumps his arm a few times to squeeze it flat, and tosses it on the grill. The old lady says, "That's the most disgusting thing I've ever seen!" The counterman says, "Yeah? You should be here in the morning when he makes the doughnuts!"and orders a hamburger. The huge guy behind the counter bellows, "ONE BURGER!" The cook, who's even bigger, screams, "BUR-GER!" Whereupon he grabs a huge hunk of chopped meat, stuffs it in his bare armpit, pumps his arm a few times to squeeze it flat, and tosses it on the grill. The old lady says, "That's the most disgusting thing I've ever seen!" The counterman says, "Yeah? You should be here in the morning when he makes the doughnuts!"

When Ariel Sharon came to Washington for meetings with George W. and for a state dinner, Laura Bush decided to bring in a special Kosher chef and offer a truly Jewish meal. At the dinner that night, the first course served is matzo ball soup. George W. looks at this and after learning what it is called, he tells an aide that he can't eat such a gross and strange-looking brew. The aide says that Mr. Sharon will be insulted if he doesn't at least taste it. Not wanting to cause any trouble (after all, he ate sheep's eye in honor of Arab guests), George W. gingerly lowers his spoon into the bowl and retrieves a piece of matzo ball and some broth. He hesitates, then swallows. A big grin appears on his face. He finds that he really likes it, so he digs right in and finishes the whole bowl. "That was delicious," Bush says to Sharon. "Do you Jews eat any other part of the matzo, or just the balls?"

To: All staff, Los Alamos National Laboratory From: Bill Richardson, Secretary of Energy Dear staff members: Due to an unfortunate overreaction by the Republican Congress to our minor difficulties in the security area, we're being forced to tighten up just a bit. Effective Monday: 1. The brown paper bag in which we store the computer disk drives that contain the nation's nuclear secrets will no longer be left on the picnic table at the staff commissary during lunch hour. It will be stored in "the vault." I know this is an inconvenience to many of you, but it's a sad sign of the times. 2. The three-letter security code for accessing "the vault" will no longer be "B-O-B." To confuse would-be spies, that security code will be reversed. Please don't tell anybody. 3. Visiting scientists and graduate students from Libya, North Korea and mainland China will no longer be allowed to wander the hallways without proper identification. Beginning Monday, they will be required to wear a stick-on lapel tag that clearly states, "Hello, My Name Is . . . ."The stickers will be available at the front desk. 4. The computer network used for scientific calculations will no longer be hyper linked via the Internet to such Web sites as www.moammar.com, www.swedechicks.com, or www.hackers-r-us.com. Links to all Disney sites will be maintained, however. 5. Researchers bearing a security clearance of Level 5 and higher will no longer be permitted to exchange updates on their work by posting advanced-physics formulas on the men's room walls. 6. On "Bowling Night," please check your briefcases and laptop computers at the front counter of the Bowl-a-Drome instead of leaving them in the cloakroom. Mr. Badonov, the front-counter supervisor, has promised to "keep un eye on zem" for us. 7. Staff members will no longer be allowed to take home small amounts of plutonium, iridium or uranium for use in those "little weekend projects around the house." That includes you parents who are helping the kids with their science fair projects. 8. Thermonuclear devices may no longer be checked out for "recreational use." We've not yet decided if exceptions will be made for Halloween, the Fourth of July or New Year's Eve. We'll keep you posted. 9. Employees may no longer "borrow" the AA batteries from the burglar alarm system to power their Game Boys and compact-disc players during working hours. 10. And, finally, when reporting for work each day, all employees must enter through the front door. Raoul, the janitor, will no longer admit employees who tap three times on the side door to avoid clocking in late. I know this crackdown might seem punitive and oppressive to many of you, but it is our sworn duty to protect the valuable national secrets that have been entrusted to our care. Remember: Security isn't a part-time job-it's an imperative, all 37 1/2 hours of the week! Sincerely, Bill.

By the time a Marine pulled into a little town, every hotel room was taken. "You've got to have a room somewhere," he pleaded. "Or just a bed, I don't care where." "Well, I do have a double room with one occupant - an Air Force guy," admitted the manager, "and he might be glad to split the cost. But to tell you the truth, he snores so loudly that people in adjoining rooms have complained in the past. I'm not sure it'd be worth it to you." "No problem," the tired Marine assured him. "I'll take it." The next morning the Marine came down to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed. "How'd you sleep?" asked the manager. "Never better." The manager was impressed. "No problem with the other guy snoring, then?" "Nope, I shut him up in no time" said the Marine. "How'd you manage that?" asked the manager. "He was already in bed, snoring away, when I came in the room," the Marine" explained. "I went over, gave him a kiss on the cheek, said, 'Goodnight, beautiful,' and he sat up all night watching me."

I was an Air Force ICBM launch control officer in South Dakota. Two officers pulled 24-hour alerts in a launch control center that was surrounded by several Minuteman II silos. The facility and the silos were separated by several miles. We were not allowed to leave the "capsule" until relieved the next day, and we were supported by several on-site personnel in the support building upstairs. The capsules were Spartan, but each boasted a small refrigerator and a small microwave. On one tour of duty, the cook called down around lunch time and informed us that she was cleaning her oven and that hot food would be unavailable for a short time. Later, around supper time, she called down again and apologized that she had dismantled her oven to clean it, was having trouble reassembling it, and would again be unable to heat our food orders. We were somewhat annoyed, but, being the kinder, gentler military officers we were, told her "No problem. Just send down the frozen meals and we'll 'nuke' them ourselves." Several seconds of dead silence on the phone followed before she whispered, "You can DO that?"

What do they call Santa's helpers? Subordinate Clauses What do you call Santa Clause after he's fallen into a fireplace? Krisp Kringle Who sings "Love Me Tender," and makes Christmas toys? Santa's little Elvis Which of Santa's reindeers needs to mind his manners the most? "Rude"olph What did the Gingerbread Man put on his bed? A cookie sheet What reindeer has the cleanest antlers? Comet What is the cow's holiday greeting? Mooooory Christmas What does Santa like to eat? A jolly roll Where do Santa's reindeers like to stop for lunch? Deery Queen What does Santa say when he is sick? OH OH NO! If athletes get athlete's foot, what do astronauts get? Missile toe How does Santa Claus take pictures? With his North Pole-aroid. What do you call the fear of getting stuck while sliding down a chimney? Santa Claus-trophbia What do you call a cat on the beach at Christmas time? Sandy Claus The 3 stages of man: He believes in Santa Claus. He doesn't believe in Santa Claus. He is Santa Claus.

A guy has celery sticking out of one ear, lettuce out of the other, and a zucchini up his nose.He goes to the doctor and asks him what`s wrong.The doctor tells him, "Well, for one thing, you`re not eating right."

Did you ever notice, when you are sitting at a red light, that when the person in front of you pulls up a couple of inches, you are compelled to move up too? Do we really think we are making progress toward our destination? "Whew, I thought we would be late, but now that I am nine inches closer, I can stop for coffee and a danish!"

The helpful waiter Rachel had not seen her Israeli relatives for years, so she was very excited when her Aunt Leah and Uncle Yitzhak came to visit her in London. To celebrate their visit, Rachel took them to an old-fashioned Kosher restaurant in Hendon. "I`ll have the kreplach," Rachel told the waiter. "The kreplach is from last night," explained the waiter. "Better you should order something made fresh today. How about stuffed peppers?" "OK, let it be stuffed peppers." The waiter turns to Aunt Leah. "And you?" "Bring please the pot roast." "Look, lady, the pot roast is strictly for goyim. If you want something special, try the flanken." "All right then, so bring the flanken." Uncle Yitzhak studied the menu carefully then said to the waiter, "I can`t make up my mind. What do you suggest?" "Suggest!" cried the waiter. "On a busy night like this who has time for suggestions?"

Once upon a time there lived a woman who had a maddening passion for baked beans. She loved them but unfortunately they had always had a very embarrassing and somewhat lively reaction to her. Then one day she met a guy and fell in love. When it became apparent that they would marry she thought to herself, " He is such a sweet and gentle man, he would never go for this carrying on." So she made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans. Some months later her car broke down on the way home from work. Since she lived in the country she called her husband and told him that she would be late because she had to walk home. On her way she passed a small diner and the odor of the baked beans was more than she could stand. Since she still had miles to walk, she figured that she would walk off any ill effects by the time she reached home. So, she stopped at the diner and before she knew it, she had consumed three large orders of baked beans. All the way home she putt-putted. And upon arriving home she felt reasonably sure she could control it. Her husband seemed excited to see her and exclaimed delightedly, "Darling, I have a surprise for dinner tonight." He then blindfolded her and led her to her chair at the table. She seated herself and just as he was about to remove the blindfold from his wife, the telephone rang. He made her promise not to touch the blindfold until he returned. He then went to answer the phone. The baked beans she had consumed were still affecting her and the pressure was becoming almost unbearable, so while her husband was out of the room she seized the opportunity, shifted her weight to one leg and let it go. It was not only loud, but it smelled like a fertilizer truck running over a skunk in front of pulpwood mill. She took her napkin and fanned the air around her vigorously. Then, she shifted to the other cheek and ripped three more, which reminded her of cabbage cooking. Keeping her ears tuned to the conversation in the other room, she went on like this for another ten minutes. When the phone farewells signaled the end of her freedom, she fanned the air a few more times with her napkin, placed it on her lap and folded her hands upon it, smiling contentedly to herself. She was the picture of innocence when her husband returned, Apologizing for taking so long, he asked her if she peeked, and she assured him that she had not. At this point, he removed the blindfold, and she was surprised! There were twelve dinner guests seated around the table to wish her a Happy Birthday!

He loved her very much. He wanted this Valentine's day to be special, so he had ordered a bottle of her favorite liquor imported from France and it had arrived in time for the occasion. On his way home, he stopped at the local florist. He had planned to have a bouquet made with her favorite flower, white anemones. But to his dismay, he found that the florist had sold all her flowers and had only a few sterns of feathery ferns left for decoration. In a moment of inspiration, he had the answer. He asked the florist to make a bouquet using the flask of liquor instead of flowers and what she produced was magnificent well beyond his expectations. He added a card, and proceeded home. When he arrived, his wife was beautiful in her most elegant gown, and it was apparent that she had spent much of the day preparing a romantic candlelight dinner for the two of them. He presented her with his gift, and she opened the card to read, "Absinthe makes the heart grow fonder." With a tear in her eye, she whispered to him lovingly, "Yes, and with fronds like these, who needs anemones."

It seems a young farm boy accidentally overturned his wagon load of corn. The farmer who lived nearby heard the noise. "Hey Willis!" the farmer yelled. "Forget your troubles. Come in and eat dinner with us. Then I'll help you get the wagon back up." "That's mighty nice of you," Willis answered, "but I don't think Pa would like me to." "Nonsense, come on!" the farmer insisted. "Well, okay," the boy finally agreed, "but Pa won't like it." After a hearty dinner, Willis thanked his host. "I feel a lot better now, but I know Pa is going to be real upset." "Don't be foolish!" the neighbor said with a smile. "By the way, where is your Pa?" "Under the wagon."