A vacationing penguin is driving his through Arizona when he notices that the oil pressure light is on. He gets out to look and sees oil dripping out of the motor. He drives to the nearest town and stops at the first gas station. After dropping the car off, the penguin goes for a walk around town. He sees an ice-cream shop and, being a penguin in Arizona, decides that something cold would really hit the spot. He gets a big dish of ice cream and sits down to eat. Having no hands he makes a real mess trying to eat with his flippers. After finishing his ice cream, he goes back to the gas station and asks the mechanic if he's found the problem. The mechanic looks up and says "It looks like you blew a seal." "No no," the penguin replies, "it's just ice cream."

FINALLY, a way to know what to pitch and what to save! THE GAG TEST Anything that makes you gag is spoiled . EGGS When something starts pecking its way out of the shell, the egg is probably past its prime. DAIRY PRODUCTS Milk is spoiled when it starts to look like yogurt. Yogurt is spoiled when it starts to look like cottage cheese. Cottage cheese is spoiled when it starts to look like regular cheese. Regular cheese is nothing but spoiled milk anyway and can't get any more spoiled than it is already. MAYONNAISE If it makes you violently ill after you eat it, the mayonnaise is spoiled. FROZEN FOODS Frozen foods that have become an integral part of the defrosting problem in your freezer compartment will probably be spoiled - by the time you pry them out with a kitchen knife. EXPIRATION DATES This is NOT a marketing ploy to encourage you to throw away perfectly good food so that you'll spend more on groceries. Perhaps you'd benefit by having a calender in your kitchen. MEAT If opening the refrigerator door causes stray animals from a three-block radius to congregate outside your house, the meat is spoiled. BREAD Sesame seeds and Poppy seeds are the only officially acceptable "spots" that should be seen on the surface of any loaf of bread. Fuzzy and hairy looking white or green growth areas are a good indication that your bread has turned into a pharmaceutical laboratory experiment. LETTUCE Bibb lettuce is spoiled when you can't get it off the bottom of the vegetable crisper without Comet. CANNED GOODS Any canned goods that have become the size or shape of a softball should be disposed of. Carefully. CARROTS A carrot that you can tie a clove hitch in is not fresh. RAISINS Raisins should not be harder than your teeth. POTATOES Fresh potatoes do not have roots, branches, or dense, leafy undergrowth. CHIP DIP If you can take it out of its container and bounce it on the floor, it has gone bad. EMPTY CONTAINERS Putting empty containers back into the refrigerator is an old trick, but it only works if you have a wife or a maid. UNMARKED ITEMS Generally speaking, Tupperware containers should not "burp" when you open them. GENERAL RULE OF THUMB Most food cannot be kept longer than the average life span of a hamster. Keep a hamster in your refrigerator to gauge this.

What do sea monsters have for dinner? Fish and ships.

You can't be a real country unless you have a BEER and an airline - it helps if you have some kind of a football team, or some nuclear weapons, but at the very least you need a BEER.

The nibbler Rabbi Levy was running behind with his daily schedule because he had attended a number of unforeseen events. His next port of call was Mrs. Gold. As soon as he arrived at the nursing home, the matron said, "Rabbi, Mrs. Gold has been waiting to see you all day. She was afraid you had forgotten all about her." The Rabbi apologized, and went straight to Mrs. Gold’s room. He sat down in the chair next to her bed and after he had said a few words of encouragement to her, she began to talk about her day. Whilst he was listening, he noticed a small bowl of peanuts next to her, so he interrupted and asked her if she would mind if he took a few of the peanuts. "No, of course not," she replied and continued talking at length about her day. A few minutes later, Rabbi Levy interrupted her again and said, "Mrs. Gold, I`m sorry but I`ve eaten almost all of your peanuts." Mrs. Gold smiled at him and said, "Don`t worry about it Rabbi, I can`t eat peanuts - I just like to nibble the chocolate off them."

"None for me, thanks. That Skoal will do a number on your teeth." "Hey, shut up! I can't hear the race." "Dating your own sister? Man, that's sick!" "My God, this is a splendid Merlot!" "Hey, you with the large chest. Out of the way! We're trying to watch a race here!" "Chesterton, be a good lad and retrieve the Wall Street Journal from my atache case." "What a coincidence, Hank. All my friends are boycotting Hooters, too!" "These are even better seats than we had for the Lionel Richie concert!" "Whew! No more beer for me, fellas." "And now... Singing our National Anthem, international recording artist, Boy George!"

Q: Why did the student eat his homework? A: His teacher said it was a piece of cake.

Chuck Norris doesn't take the cake, the cake sees Chuck Norris and begs to be devoured.

Chuck Norris once ate a whole cake before his friends could tell him there was a stripper in it.

For the engineers among us who understand that the obvious is not always the solution, and that the facts, no matter how implausible, are still the facts ... A complaint was received by the Pontiac Division of General Motors: "This is the second time I have written you, and I don't blame you for not answering me, because I kind of sounded crazy, but it is a fact that we have a tradition in our family of ice cream for dessert after dinner each night. But the kind of ice cream varies so, every night, after we've eaten, the whole family votes on which kind of ice cream we should have and I drive down to the store to get it. It's also a fact that I recently purchased a new Pontiac and since then my trips to the store have created a problem. You see, every time I buy vanilla ice cream, when I start back from the store my car won't start. If I get any other kind of ice cream, the car starts just fine. I want you to know I'm serious about this question, no matter how silly it sounds: 'What is there about a Pontiac that makes it not start when I get vanilla ice cream, and easy to start whenever I get any other kind?'" The Pontiac President was understandably skeptical about the letter, but sent an engineer to check it out anyway. The latter was surprised to be greeted by a successful, obviously well-educated man in a fine neighborhood. He had arranged to meet the man just after dinner time, so the two hopped into the car and drove to the ice cream store. It was vanilla ice cream that night and, sure enough, after they came back to the car, it wouldn't start. The engineer returned for three more nights. The first night, the man got chocolate. The car started. The second night, he got strawberry. The car started. The third night he ordered vanilla. The car failed to start. Now the engineer, being a logical man, refused to believe that this man's car was allergic to vanilla ice cream. He arranged, therefore, to continue his visits for as long as it took to solve the problem. And toward this end he began to take notes: he jotted down all sorts of data, time of day, type of gas used, time to drive back and forth, etc. In a short time, he had a clue: the man took less time to buy vanilla than any other flavor. Why? The answer was in the layout of the store. Vanilla, being the most popular flavor, was in a separate case at the front of the store for quick pickup. All the other flavors were kept in the back of the store at a different counter where it took considerably longer to find the flavor and get checked out. Now the question for the engineer was why the car wouldn't start when it took less time. Once time became the problem -- not the vanilla ice cream -- the engineer quickly came up with the answer: vapor lock. It was happening every night, but the extra time taken to get the other flavors allowed the engine to cool down sufficiently to start. When the man got vanilla, the engine was still too hot for the vapor lock to dissipate. Moral of the story: even insane-looking problems are sometimes real.

A small boy was looking at the red ripe tomatoes growing in the farmer`s garden. "I`ll give you my two pennies for that tomato," said the boy pointing to a beautiful, large, ripe fruit hanging on the vine."No," said the farmer, "I get a dime for a tomato like that one."The small boy pointed to a smaller green one, "Will you take two pennies for that one?""Yes," replied the farmer, "I`ll give you that one for two cents.""OK," said the lad, sealing the deal by putting the coins in the farmer`s hand, "I`ll pick it up in about a week."

You know you are addicted to coffee if ... You have to watch videos in fast-forward.

Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks?

"What flavors of ice cream do you have?" inquired the customer. "Vanilla, strawberry, and chocolate," answered the new waitress in a hoarse whisper. Trying to be sympathetic, the customer asked, "Do you have laryngitis?" "No..." replied the new waitress with some effort, "just...erm... vanilla, strawberry, and chocolate."

A man was on a business trip to the great state of Texas. Upon arriving at the airport, he happened to walk by one of the tallest men he'd ever seen. When he remarked about this to his taxi driver, the driver responded "Yessir, everything's big in Texas!" Later that day, after settling into his hotel room, the man went down to the bar for dinner. The bartender asked if he'd like to start off with a beverage. "I'll have a beer," said the man, and the bartender nodded. Half a minute later, the bartender returned carrying a huge 5-gallon beer mug, filled to the brim, and plunked it down in front of the astonished business man. "All I asked for was a beer! You expect me to drink all that?!" cried the man. The bartender replied, "Well-sir, you ordered a beer and that's just what I brought. I guess somebody shoulda warned ya' that everything's big in Texas!" Well the man ordered the steak for dinner, and when it came, he received yet another shock. The steak was gargantuan -- a 64 oz. T-bone! When the bartender saw the shocked and somewhat frightened look on the man's face, he simply shrugged and said "Everything's big in Texas!" Finally the man had consumed as much of the beer and steak as he could, and asked the bartender to direct him to the nearest restroom. The bartender said "Down the hall and to the right," but since the man had just drank a gallon or two of beer, he was a bit tipsy and accidentally went down the hall and to the LEFT, where the hotel's swimming pool was located. A moment later the bartender heard a bunch of splashing and hollering so he came running to see what was the matter. Sure enough the man had fallen right into the pool and was thrashing and hollering as if the water were battery acid. Mystified, the bartender yelled "You alright mister? You need help?" The man simply screamed, "JUST DON'T FLUSH THIS THING!"

AGE DRINK 17 Wine Coolers 25 White wine 35 Red wine 48 Dom Perignon 66 Shot of Jack with an Ensure chaser.

Customer: What is this fly doing in my alphabet soup? Waiter: Probably learning to read.

There was a black man, a white man, and a chinese man. They were wondering in the middle of nowhere trying to find a place to sleep. The black man looked at the white man and said, "It's your fault we ain't got no place to stay." The white man says, "How?" "Because you bought a 2002 mustang for your son," said the black man. The white man replied, "Well you spent our savings on 100 cases of fried chicken and kool-aid!" The chinese man didn't say a word, he only pointed. Then they all looked and saw that there was a farm with a small white house. They hurried up to the door and knocked generously. Just then a huge man steps out of the door. "What do you want," he said. They all asked the farmer could he spare them a warm place to stay for the night. The farmer said that it was okay just as long as they didn't steal any food from his crops. He let them sleep in the barn with the animals. After the farmer left the barn the black man shot up and said, "C'mon yall lets try to find something to eat." "We'd better not," said the chinese man. "The white man said, "Why not? He won't notice a few apples or potatoes missing." It made sense to them so they quietly went out into the fields and began to pick everything in sight. What they hadn't planned on was the farmer being there. The farmer pointed his shotgun at the three men. He said he ought to shoot them for disobeying him after he gave them a place to sleep. "Instead of shooting you, being that you're hungry and all, I'll let each of you pick out your favorite fruit and come back with it," said the farmer. The three men were excited. First the white man came back with some grapes. Secondly the black man came back with some oranges. The farmer said, "Okay, white man, I want you to take those grapes and shove them up your a**!" The white shook his head but the farmer cocked his shotgun again. He did as he was told. Next, the black man's face was turning white. "You know what to do," said the farmer. The black man had to follow through. He screamed during the whole process. He said, "Is there a draft in here? I ain't got no butt crack, I got a butt canyon." Then the farmer said, "Where's that chinese fellow?" The two men looked at each other and fell out laughing. The farmer said, "What are you laughing at?" "The black man said, "The chinese man is in the watermelon patch!"

What to do when your dinner is interrupted: - Ask them if they've got beer - Start speaking in tongues - Tell them that person doesn't live there anymore. Give them the number of an adult service and tell them that it is her/his new number - Tell them that you're not there right now - Ask them if they accept coupons - Start selling them something else - If someone calls soliciting donations, tell them you're poor and ask for money instead - Start preaching your religion to them - Pretend you're a recording and say "The number you have reached is not in service. Please check the number and dial again, or talk to your operator for assistance. Recording A4." Extra points for imitating the 3 rising tones at the beginning. - Try to hypnotise the telemarketer - Play a recording of a busy signal - Put on some really annoying music and put the phone up to the stereo. - Ask the telemarketer if he/she is single. Then try hitting on him/her. Be sure to mention your various medical problems, your fascination with odd smells and your shrine to the Lawrence Welk Show. - Use one of those voice changers to disguise your voice - Rap all your replies to the telemarketer's questions, especially if you're white. - Ask the TM if he/she minds if you talk to him/her on the toilet. Then take a plastic Heinz ketchup bottle and squeeze out ketchup repeatedly - Speak in ragga chant - Try to rhyme with everything the telemarketer says - Tell the TM that the person he/she is trying to reach is a victim of black magic and has been turned into a poodle. - Tell the TM that the person s/he is trying to reach has passed on, and that you're the ghost of him/her. - Sell them on the "value of high colonics". Explain your "dedication to good health" in your most convincing, passionate voice.

Chuck Norris can eat the flesh of banana without peeling it.