I told my wife I was going to make a bike out of spaghetti. She couldn't believe it when I rode pasta.

When you take the bus... When the bus stops for a food break, instead of following the other passengers to a restaurant, sit outside in front of the big picture window on the ground with a struggling burlap sack. Open the sack and remove some small, live animal and eat it like a feral dog would, in the view of everyone else. Make lots of growling noises, snarl and snap at people who get too close.

What did the boy banana say to the girl banana? "You have a lot of appeal."

Two cannibals were having lunch. "Your wife makes a great soup," said one to the other. "Yes!" agreed the first. "But I'm going to miss her terribly."

As the family gathered for a big dinner together, the youngest son announced that he had just signed up at an army recruiter`soffice.There were audible gasps around the table, then some laughter, as his older brothers shared their disbelief that he could handlethis new situation. "Oh, come on, quit joking," snickered one. "You didn`t really do that, did you?""You would never get through basic training," scoffed another.The new recruit looked to his mother for help, but she was just gazing at him. When she finally spoke, she simply asked, "Do you really plan to make your own bed every morning?"

At a nursing home in Florida, a group of senior citizens were sitting around talking about their aches and pains. "My arms are so weak I can hardly lift this cup of coffee," said one. "I know what you mean. My cataracts are so bad I can't even see my coffee," replied another. "I can't turn my head because of the arthritis in my neck," said a third, to which several nodded weakly in agreement. "My blood pressure pills make me dizzy," another contributed. "I guess that's the price we pay for getting old," winced an old man as he slowly shook his head. Then there was a short moment of silence. "Well, it's not that bad," said one woman cheerfully. "Thank God we can all still drive."

1. Only in Canada...can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance. 2. Only in Canada...are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink. 3. Only in Canada...do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front. 4. Only in Canada...do people order double cheese burgers, large fries, and a diet coke. 5. Only in Canada...do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters. 6. Only in Canada...do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage. 7. Only in Canada...do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place. 8. Only in Canada...do we buy hot dogs in packages of twelve and buns in packages of eight. 9. Only in Canada...do we use the word 'politics' to describe the process so well: 'Poli' in Latin meaning 'many' and 'tics' meaning 'bloodsucking creatures'. 10. Only in Canada...do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.

I don't think I'll ever have a mother's intuition. My sister left me alone in a restaurant with my 10-month-old nephew. I said, "What do I do if he cries?" She said "Give him some vegetables." It turns out that jalapeno is not his favorite.

The following statements about the Bible were written by children and have not been retouched or corrected In the first book of the Bible, Guinesses, God got tired of creating the world, so he took the Sabbath off.Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree.Noah`s wife was called Joan of Ark because Noah built the ark, which the animals came to in pears.Lot`s wife was a pillar of salt by day, but a ball of fire by night.The Jews were a proud people and throughout history they had trouble with unsympathetic Genitals.Samson was a strong man who let himself be led astray by a Jezebel like Delilah.Samson slew the Philistines with the axe of the Apostles.Moses led the Hebrews to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread, which is bread without any ingredients.The Egyptians were all drowned in the dessert.Afterwards, Moses went up to Mount Cyanide to find the ten commendments.The first commandment was when Eve told Adam to eat the apple.The seventh commandment is "Thou shalt not admit adultery".Moses died before he ever reached Canada.Then Joshua led the Hebrews in the battle of Geritol.The greatest miracle in the Bible is when Joshua told his son to stand still and he obeyed him.David was a Hebrew king skilled at playing the liar. He fought with the Finkelsteins, a race of people who lived in Biblical times.Solomon, one of David`s sons, had 300 wives and 700 porcupines.When Mary heard that she was the mother of Jesus, she sang the Magna Carta.Then the three Wise Guys from the east arrived and found Jesus in the manager.Jesus was born because Mary had an Immaculate Contraption.St. John, the blacksmith, dumped water on his head.Jesus enunciated the Golden Rule, which says do one to others before they do one to you.He also explained that "Man does not live by sweat alone".It was a miricle when Jesus rose from the dead and managed to get the tombstone off the entrance.The people who followed Jesus were called the 12 decibles.The epistles were the wives of the apostles.One of the opossums was St. Matthew who was also a taximan.St. Paul cavorted to Christianity. He preached the holy acrimony, which is another name for marriage.A Christian should have only one spouse. This is called monotony.

The Perfect Employee? 1 Bob Smith, my assistant programmer, can always be found 2 hard at work at his desk. He works independently, without 3 wasting company time talking to colleagues. Bob never 4 thinks twice about assisting fellow employees, and always 5 finishes given assignments on time. Often he takes extended 6 measures to complete his work, sometimes skipping coffee 7 breaks. Bob is a dedicated individual who has absolutely no 8 vanity in spite of his high accomplishments and profound 9 knowledge in his field. I firmly believe that Bob can be 10 classed as an asset employee, the type which cannot be 11 dispensed with. Consequently, I recommend that Bob be 12 promoted to executive management, and a proposal will be 13 executed as soon as possible. Addendum: That idiot was standing over my shoulder while I wrote the report sent to you earlier today. Kindly re-read only the odd numbered lines.

How can you tell the difference between a monster and a banana? Try picking it up. If you can't, it's either a monster or a giant banana.

School lunch It was lunchtime at the Jewish nursery school and all the children were lined up by the teachers. Then, as usual, they were led into the canteen. Little Moshe quickly noticed that at one end of the dining table was a large pile of apples with the message, "Take ONLY ONE apple each, God is watching." At the other end he noticed was a large pile of kosher chocolate chip cookies. Moshe then whispered to his friend Sarah, "We can take all the cookies we want. God is watching the apples."

Two Irish guys are fishing. The first guy reels in his line and sees that he's snagged an old bottle. As he's taking it off the hook, a genie pops out and promises to grant him one wish. "Turn the lake into beer," he says. The genie goes "Poof!" and the lake turns into beer. He says to the other guy, "So what do you think?" The other guy says, "You jerk. Now we've got to piss in the boat."

Have you ever wondered where and how yodeling began? Many years ago a man was traveling through the mountains of Switzerland. Nightfall was rapidly approaching and he had nowhere to sleep. He went up to a farmhouse and asked the farmer if he could spend the night. The farmer told him that he could sleep in the barn. As the story goes, the farmer's daughter asked her father, "Who is that man going into the barn?" "That fellow traveling through," said the farmer,"needs a place to stay for the night, so, I told him he could sleep in the barn." The daughter said, "Perhaps he is hungry.." So she prepared him a plate of food for him and then took it out to the barn. About an hour later, the daughter returned, her clothing disheveled and straw in her hair. Straight up to bed she went. The farmer's wife was very observant. She then suggested that perhaps the man was thirsty. So she fetched a bottle of wine, took it out to the barn, and she too did not return for an hour. Her clothing was askew, her blouse buttoned incorrectly. She also headed straight to bed. The next morning at sunrise the man in the barn got up and continued on his journey, waving to the farmer as he left. When the daughter awoke and learned that the visitor was gone, she broke into tears. "How could he leave without even saying goodbye," she cried. "We made such passionate love last night!" "What?" shouted the father as he angrily ran out of the house looking for the man, who by now was halfway up the mountain. The farmer screamed up at him, "I'm going to get you! You had sex with my daughter!" The man looked back down from the mountainside, cupped his hand next to his mouth, and yelled out... "LAIDTHEOLADEETOO"

An elderly couple is sharing an intimate dinner in honor of their 75th wedding anniversary. The man says softly, "Dear, there is something I must ask you. It has always bothered me that our sixth child never quite looked like the rest of our children. Now, let me assure you these 75 years have been the most wonderful I could have hoped for, and your answer will not take all that away. But, please tell me: did he have a different father?" His wife lowers her eyes, pauses for a moment, and then confesses, "Yes. Yes, he did." The old man tightens, very shaken, the reality hitting him hard. "Who? Who was he? Who was the father?" Again, the woman lowers her head, trying to muster the courage to finally tell her husband the truth. She says, "You."

The Reverend John Fuzz was pastor of a small congregation in a little Pennsylvania town. One day he was walking down Main Street and he happened to notice a female member of his congregation sitting in the town bar, drinking beer. The reverend thought this was sinful and not something a member of his congregation should do, so he walked through the open door of the bar and sat down next to the woman. "Mrs. Fitzgerald," the reverend said sternly. "This is no place for a member of my congregation. Why don't you let me take you home?" "Shhhure," she said with a slur, obviously very drunk. When Mrs Fitzgerald stood up from the bar, she began to weave back and forth. The reverend realized that she had had too much to drink and he grabbed hold of her arms to steady her. When he did, they both lost their balance and tumbled to the floor. After rolling around for a few seconds, the reverend wound up lying on top of Mrs. Fitzgerald, her skirt hiked up to her waist. The bartender looked over the bar and said, "Here, here, buddy, we won't have any of that carrying on in this bar." The reverend looked up at the bartender and said, "But you don't understand, I'm Pastor Fuzz." The bartender nodded, "Well, heck, if you're that far along you might as well finish the job."

Jack was single. He lived in a small flat, which he shared with a pet parrot and a pit bull terrier named spike. When Jack's dishwashing machine broke down, he asked his neighbor Pet, the repairman to come and fix it. "The terrier won't harm you, said Jack before leaving, "But whatever you do, NEVER SPEAK TO THE PARROT" Soon after, the parrot started on Pet: "I heard your wife shout at you the other day, you are such a wimp" Pet ignored it and kept working. "You couldn't change your flat tire the other day" said the parrot, "so how are you going to fix a dishwashing machine?" Fed up, Pet replied, "Okay. How would I expect you, with the brain the size of a bean to talk any sense?" That`s it! Said the parrot, Spike, Get him!

Martha`s way #1: Stuff a miniature marshmallow in the bottom of a sugar cone to prevent ice cream drips.My way: Just suck the ice cream out of the bottom of the cone.Martha`s way #2: Use a meat baster to "squeeze" your pancake batter onto the hot griddle and you`ll get perfectly shaped pancakes every time.My way: Buy the precooked kind you nuke in the microwave for 30 seconds.Martha`s way #3: To keep potatoes from budding, place an apple in the bag with the potatoes.My way: Buy a mashed potato mix and keep it in the pantry for up to a year.Martha`s way #4: To prevent eggshells from cracking, add a pinch of salt to the water before hard-boiling.My way: Who cares if they crack, aren`t you going to take the shells off anyway?Martha`s way #5: To easily remove burnt-on food from your skillet, simply add a drop or two of dish soap and enough water to cover bottom of pan, and bring to a boil on stovetop.My way: Eat out every night and avoid cooking.Martha`s way #6: Spray your Tupperware with nonstick cooking spray before pouring in tomato based sauces and there won`t be any stains.`My way: Feed your garbage disposal and there won`t be any leftovers.Martha`s way #7: When a cake recipe calls for flouring the baking pan, use a bit of the dry cake mix instead and there won`t be any white mess on the outside of the cake.My way: Go to the bakery. They`ll even decorate it for you.Martha`s way #8: If you accidentally over salt a dish while it`s still cooking, drop in a peeled potato and it will absorb the excess salt for an instant "fix me up".My way: If you over salt a dish while you are cooking, that`s too bad. My motto: If it`s cooked, you will eat it no matter how bad it tastes.Martha`s way #9: Place a slice of apple in hardened brown sugar to soften it.My Way: Brown sugar is supposed to be "soft"?Martha`s way #10: When boiling corn on the cob, add a pinch of sugar to help bring out the corn`s natural sweetness.My Way: The only kind of corn I buy comes in a can.Martha`s way #11: If you have a problem opening jars: Try using latex dishwashing gloves. They give a non-slip grip that makes opening jars easy.My way: Go ask the muscular neighbor to do it.Martha`s way #12: Potatoes will take food stains off your fingers. Just slice and rub raw potato on the stains and rinse with water.My way: Instant mashed potatoes will now be next to the anti-bacterial soap in a handy dispenser next to my sink.Martha`s way #13: Now look what you can do with Alka Seltzer:* Clean a toilet. Drop in two Alka-Seltzer tablets, wait twenty minutes, brush and flush. The citric acid and effervescent action clean vitreous china.* Clean a vase. To remove a stain from the bottom of a glass vase or cruet, fill with water and drop in two Alka-Seltzer tablets.* Polish jewelry. Drop two Alka-Seltzer tablets into a glass of water and immerse the jewelry for two minutes.* Clean a thermos bottle. Fill the bottle with water, drop in four Alka-Seltzer tablets, and let soak for an hour .My way: Put your jewelry, vases, and thermos in the toilet. Add some Alka-Seltzer and you have solved a whole bunch of problems at once.

A disciple went to his master and said, "I have served you faithfully for ten years. Now I have a wish: give me something to eat which will never end." His master said, "Here, have some chewing gum."

A young woman brought her fiance home to meet her parents. After dinner, her mother told her father to find out about the young man. The father invited the fiance to his study for a talk. "So what are your plans?" the father asked the young man. "I am a biblical scholar," he replied. "A Biblical scholar. Hmmm," the father said. "Admirable, but what will you do to provide a nice house for my daughter to live in?" "I will study," the young man replied, "and God will provide for us." "And how will you buy her a beautiful engagement ring, such as she deserves?" asked the father. "I will concentrate on my studies," the young man replied, "God will provide for us." "And children?" asked the father. "How will you support children?" "Don't worry, sir, God will provide," replied the fiance. The conversation proceeded like this, and each time the father questioned, the young idealist insisted that God would provide. Later, the mother asked, "How did it go, Honey?" The father answered, "He has no job and no plans, and he thinks I'm God!"