The huge Air Canada Jumbo jet is just coming into Pearson Airport on its final approach. The pilot comes on over the intercom. "This is Capt. Johnson, we're on our final descent into Toronto. I want to thank you for flying with us today and enjoy your stay in Toronto". Well the Capt. forgets to switch off the intercom. The whole plane can now hear the conversation from the cockpit. The co-pilot says to the pilot "Well skipper, wotcha gonna do in Toronto?" Now all ears in the plane are listening in to this conversation. "Well", says the skipper, "First I'm gonna check into the hotel and go for a mega-huge dump. Then I'm gonna take that new stewardess out for supper, you know, the one with the huge tits. I'm gonna wine and dine her, take her back to my room and slip the old salami to her all night". Well, everyone in the plane's trying to get a look at the new stewardess. She's so embarrassed she runs from the back of the plane to try and get to the cockpit to get the intercom off. Half way down, she trips over an old ladies handbag - and down she goes. The old lady leans over and says, "No need to run dearie, he's got to go for a shit first!"

What does a snowman eat for dinner? Ice-burgers.

Andy Rooney On... Ads In Bills: Have you ever noticed that they put advertisements in with your bills now? like bills aren't distasteful enough, they have to stuff junk mail in there with them. I get back at them. I put garbage in with my check when I mail it in. Coffee grinds, banana peels...I write, "Could you throw this away for me? Thank You." On Fabric Softener: My wife uses fabric softener. I never knew what that stuff was for. Then I noticed women coming up to me Married . That's how they mark their territory. You can take off the ring, but its hard to get that April fresh scent out of your clothes. On Pregnancy: Its weird when pregnant women feel the baby kicking. They say, Oh my. He is kicking. Do you wanna feel it? I always feel awkward reaching over there. Come on! Its weird to ask someone to feel your stomach. I don't do that when I have gas. Oh my...give me your hand...It wont be long now... On Grandma: My grandmother has a bumper sticker on her car that says, "Sexy Senior Citizen." You don't want to think of your grandmother that way, do you? Out entering wet shawl contests. Makes you wonder where she got that dollar she gave you for your birthday. On Award Shows: Can you believe how many award shows they have now? They have awards for commercials. The Cleo Awards, a whole show full of commercials. I taped it and then I fast-forwarded through the whole thing. On Phone-In-Polls: You know those shows where people call in and vote on different issues? Did you ever notice there's always like 18% that say I don't know. It costs 90 cents to call up and vote... Why they're voting I don't know. Honey, I feel very strongly about this. Give me the phone. I DON'T KNOW! Sometimes you have to stand up for what you believe you're not sure about. On Answering Machine: Did you ever hear one of these corny, positive messages on someone's answering machine? "Hi, it's a great day and I'm out enjoying it right now. I hope you are too. The thought for the day is Share the love. Beep." Uh, yeah...this is the VD clinic calling... Speaking of being positive, your test is back. Stop sharing the love.

On a ski lift in Taos, NM: "No jumping from the lift. Survivors will be prosecuted." Official sign near door: Door Alarmed. Handprinted sign nearby: Window frightened. Road sign seen on the island of Cyprus : "Caution: Road Slippery from Grapejuice" MORE OF AN AD THAN A SIGN, but... A billboard seen next to the highway, travelling from Johannesburg International Airport into town. An Ad for BMW showing a photo of a BMW 328i convertible with the roof and all the windows down. The caption reads: "Our hardware runs better without WINDOWS!" Two signs found on top of one another in a country kitchen several years ago: restrooms <----- Please wait for hostess to seat you. Sign in front of church in Montpelier, VT: Bingo Friday night at 8:00pm Quickies Thursday at 7:30pm. Seen in a health food store: "Shoplifters will be beaten over the head with an organic carrot." "Children left unattended will be towed at parents expense." I went to a little hole-in-the-wall restaurant: "Women are not served here... You have to bring your own."

The Perverse Guide To Getting Hired Chapter 1 - The Resume Your resume is a crucial document that summarises the essence of your being to a potential employer. You must grab a personnel director's attention with your sheer, overpowering wonderfulness, or your vitae will wind up lining the bottom of her parakeet's cage. Write a boring resume and you might as well run down now and join the other unemployed grads behind the appliance store, fighting for the choicest refrigerator carton to live in. To grab an employer's jaded eye you must create the written equivalent of a banshee wail! Print your resume on hunter's orange paper, so it nearly leaps out of the stack. Experiment with striking fonts, and use as many as possible. Writing your name in 2 inch high 3-D Western style letters at the top says "Check ME out! I'm no shrinking violet!" Sprinkle a bit of your most sensual cologne on the sheet, and ladies, be sure to add a good lipstick smooch mark at the bottom. Don't forget your picture, too! Be sure and staple several of your best 8x10 glossies from Glamour Shots on top. Now that you've achieved that visceral "oomph", it's time to polish the contents to bring out or even invent your positive qualities. Remember, a skilled wordsmith can transform any qualification or attribute, no matter how trifling, into a saleable skill. Let's look at some examples of putting the best "spin" on a job seeker's skills: "I flipped burgers for three weeks at Lardee's." A mere burger flipper? Why sell yourself so short? Describe yourself as a "Grill Co-ordinator", or perhaps a "Culinary Technician". "I subbed in for my nephew's paper route one weekend." Ah! So you were previously employed in "Communication Services!" Describe yourself as a "Journalism Representative." "I spent the last five years sitting on a couch eating Cheetos and watching Charlie's Angels reruns." You can transform the pathetic into the energetic by referring to yourself as a "Consumer Broadcasting Specialist." Let them know how much time you've wisely invested in "Popular Drama Studies." "I worked in telemarketing." Die you scumbag. "I like to drink 3 or 4 bottles of Night Train wine and pass out in a puddle of my own urine." I see! An "Alternative Hygiene Researcher" who throws himself into his work! Always remember to use active, "can-do" language in your resume, and be sure to include as many of the following terms as possible: 1) Excellence 2) Goal-oriented 3) Forward-thinking 4) Like Working with People 5) Striving It may be useful to define these as keyboard macros immediately. Chapter 2 - The Interview So now you've got that big chance to shine in person. Once again, you've got to stand out from the crowd! First, consider your apparel carefully. Gold lame harem pants will leave a lasting impression, as will a nice fish or penis tie, available in classier novelty stores. Make these items staples of your professional wardrobe. Next, practice that handshake, and consider adding a little thumb twist manoeuvre or a good high- five. And remember, no one likes shaking dry, chapped hands, so make sure yours are damp when you leave the restroom. Now jump right in, and distinguish yourself with your first words. Here's some suggestions for opening lines: "The voices told me I'm perfect for this job." "I can make an impressive incendiary device from just your tie, that pen, and a quart of anti-freeze." "Maybe you can't tell, but I'm not wearing any underwear." "Let's make this fast, I'm late for my medication." "The foil wrapped around my head is to block out invisible rays." "I was once abducted by a UFO, and the aliens let me pilot their Starship." "I brought my invisible friend, is that okay?" "I have the gift of second sight, and if you step on Flight 109, it will be your last!" Now that you've made a big impression, make sure you'll have plenty of time to expound upon your finer qualities. Consider handcuffing yourself to the interviewer's desk, or perhaps smear super-glue on your hand and grab them while shouting "Wonder twin powers, activate!" Conclude the interview as notably as you began it. A gratuity is always welcome, so palm the interviewer a crisp new dollar in the closing handshake while saying "Guess Mr. Washington and I have this job wrapped up, huh? " And certainly don't forget the follow-up! Unless a restraining order has been obtained by the employer, call collect every hour thereafter to remind them of your sincerity.

Two fellows were sitting in a coffee shop...suddenly the Town's Fire Alarm went off ... one jumped up and headed for the door ... his friend shouted, "Hey, Tom, I didn't know you were a fireman!" Tom replied, "I'm not, but my girlfriend's husband is..."

Seventy-two-year-old Edgar recently picked a new primary care physician. After two visits and exhaustive lab tests, the doctor said Edgar was doing "fairly well" for his age. A little concerned about that comment, Edgar couldn't resist asking the doctor, "Do you think I'll live to be 80?" The doctor asked, "Well, do you smoke or drink beer?" "Oh no," Edgar replied, "I've never done either." Then the doctor asked, "Do you eat rib-eye steaks and bar-b-qued ribs?" Edgar said, "No, I've heard that all red meat is very unhealthful!" "Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf?" the doctor asked. "No, I don't," Edgar replied. Then the doctor asked, "Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or run around with women?" "No," Edgar said, "I don't do any of those things." The good doctor looked at Edgar and said, "Then why the heck do you want to live to be 80?"

Lexington: No one may eat ice cream on the sidewalk.

Why did the man lose his job in a fruit packing firm? He kept throwing the bent bananas away.

In a recent scientific research project, it was proved that Beer contains the female hormone oestrogen. That's why after a six pack you can't drive.

A young man goes into a drug store to buy condoms. The pharmacist tells him that the condoms come in packs of three, nine, or 12, and asks which ones the young man wants. "Well," he says, "Ive been seeing this girl for a while and she's really hot. I want the condoms because I think tonight's the night. We're having dinner with her parents and then we're going out. Once she's had me, she'll want me all the time, so you'd better give me the 12 pack!" The young man makes his purchase and leaves. Later that evening, he sits down to dinner with his girlfriend and her parents. He asks if he may give the blessing and they agree. He begins the prayer, but continues praying for several minutes. The girl leans over and says, "You never told me that you were such a religious person." He leans over to her and says, "You never told me that your father is a pharmacist."

A teacher just taught her class how to describe stuff, using colors and size. She then decides to play a guessing game with them. She asks, "what fruit is red both on the inside and the outside?" A very smart little boy by the name of Johnny, jumped up and answers, "it's a strawberry." The teacher replied, "no dear, but you're thinking, you're thinking." She then asks, "what is yellow on the inside and sometimes yellow and green on the outside?" The same little boy jumps up and shouts, "an orange." The teacher smiled patiently and said, "no Johnny, but you're thinking, you're thinking." She then offered them the chance to quiz her. Again, Johnny hollers out and asks, "what is long, brown, has a red head and in my pants?" Apalled by his question, she sent him to the corner. He then looked at her and said, "no miss, it's my pencil, but you're thinking, you're thinking!"

How do you make a dog float? Take two scoops of ice cream, a couple of squirts of soda and a small dog.

What's the difference between a biscuit and a monster? You can dip a biscuit in your tea, but a monster is too big to fit in the cup.

Chuck Norris' breakfast is roundhouse kicking people to their faces..

Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

Harry had a bit of a drinking problem. Every night, after dinner, he took off for the local watering hole, spent the entire evening there and arrived home, well inebriated, around midnight each night. He always had trouble getting his key into the keyhole and getting the door opened. His wife, waiting up for him, would go to the door and let him in. Then she would proceed to yell and scream at him for his constant nights out and his returned drunken state. But Harry continued his nightly routine. One day, the wife, distraught by it all, talked to a friend about her husband's behavior.The friend listened to her and then asked, "Why don't you treat him a little differently when he comes home? Instead of berating him, why don't you give him some loving words and welcome him home with a kiss? He then might change his ways." The wife thought it was worth trying. That night, Harry took off again after dinner. Around midnight, he arrived home in his usual condition. His w.

Chuck Norris opens beer bottles with the nearest person's anus.

Because I'm a guy, I must hold the television remote control in my hand while I watch TV. If the thing has been misplaced, I'll miss a whole show looking for it, though one time I was able to survive by holding a calculator. Because I'm a guy, when I lock my keys in the car I will fiddle with a wire clothes hanger and ignore your suggestions that we call a road service until long after hypothermia has set in. Oh, and when the car isn't running very well, I will pop the hood and stare at the engine as if I know what I'm looking at. If another guy shows up, one of us will say to the other, "I used to be able to fix these things, but now with all these computers and everything, I wouldn't know where to start." We will then drink beer. Because I'm a guy, when I catch a cold I need someone to bring me soup and take care of me while I lie in bed and moan. You never get as sick as I do, so for you this isn't an issue. Because I'm a guy, I can be relied upon to purchase basic groceries at the store, like milk or bread. I cannot be expected to find exotic items like "Cumin" or "Tofu." For all I know these are the same thing. And never, under any circumstances, expect me to pick up anything for which "feminine hygiene product" is a euphemism. Because I'm a guy, when one of our appliances stops working I will insist on taking it apart, despite evidence that this will just cost me twice as much once the repair person gets here and has to put it back together. Because I'm a guy, I don't think we're all that lost, and no, I don't think we should stop and ask someone. Why would you listen to a complete stranger - how the heck could HE know where we're going? Because I'm a guy, there is no need to ask me what I'm thinking about. The answer is always either sex or football, though I have to make up something else when you ask, so don't. Because I'm a guy, I do not want to visit your mother, or have your mother come visit us, or talk to her when she calls, or think about her any more than I have to. Whatever you got her for mother's day is OK, I don't need to see it. Did you remember to pick up something for my mom, too? Because I'm a guy, I am capable of announcing, "one more beer and I really have to go," and mean it every single time I say it, even when it gets to the point that the one bar closes and my buddies and I have to go hunt down another. I will find it increasingly hilarious to have my pals call you to tell you I'll be home soon, and no, I don't understand why you threw all my clothes into the front yard. What's the connection? Because I'm a guy, you don't have to ask me if I liked the movie. Chances are, if you're crying at the end of it, I didn't. Because I'm a guy, yes, I have to turn up the radio when Bruce Springsteen or The Doors comes on, and then, yes, I have to tell you every single time about how Bruce had his picture on the cover of Time and Newsweek the same day, or how Jim Morrison is buried in Paris and everyone visits his grave. Please do not behave as if you do not find this fascinating. Because I'm a guy, I think what you're wearing is fine. I thought what you were wearing five minutes ago was fine, too. Either pair of shoes is fine. With the belt or without it looks fine. Your hair is fine. You look fine. Can we just go now? Because I'm a guy and this is, after all, the 90's, I will share equally in the housework. You do the laundry, the cooking, the cleaning, and the dishes. I'll do the rest.

Waiter, this coffee tastes like dirt! Yes sir, thats because it was only ground this morning.