The funeral procession One morning, as Sarah is leaving Starbucks with her usual take-away coffee, she notices an unusual funeral procession coming along the road towards her. At the front is a large black hearse and 20 yards behind this is a second black hearse. A solitary woman is walking behind the second hearse with an Alsatian on a lead. Behind the woman are 50 other women walking single file. Sarah is very curious and goes over to the woman with the dog and says, "I’m sorry about your loss." "Thank you," says the woman, "you’re very kind." "I know it’s a bad time to ask," says Sarah, "but whose funeral is this?" "It’s my husband`s funeral," replies the woman. "So what happened to him?" asks Sarah. The woman replies, "My dog attacked and killed him." "And who is in the second hearse?" asks Sarah. The woman answers, "My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my husband when the dog turned on her." A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passes between the two women. "Can I borrow the dog?" asks Sarah. "Go to the back of the line," replies the woman.

And the winner is… Whenever Freda goes shopping, she carefully scrutinizes everything she buys and always battles to get the best deals. Today is the turn of the local delicatessen. As soon as she enters the shop, she looks around and puts a few items in her trolley. Then she goes over to the cash desk and says to the owner, "I don`t like the look of this whitefish of yours." "Lady," says the owner, "if you’re buying for looks, then don`t buy whitefish. Buy goldfish instead." "Clever doesn’t suit you," she replies sarcastically, "but I’ll take it." Then pointing to the chicken in her basket, she says, "And what about this here chicken, it has a broken leg." "Look lady," says the owner, "do you want to eat it or dance with it?" "Ha Ha, very funny you’re not," says Freda. "OK. But before you weigh the chicken, I want you to take out the bones." "Listen lady," says the owner, "Because I buy with bones, you`ll buy with bones." "But I never pay for chicken with bones," says Freda. "OK," says the owner, "no bones, then," as he starts removing the bones. "Thank you," says Freda smiling, "you’re a mensh. Now put the bones in a separate bag for soup. Oh…and never mind the flesh - I don`t like your chicken anyway."

Your mother's so fat, when she goes to a restaurant she doesn't get a menu, she gets an estimate.

Over the years, the Butterball Turkey Talk-Line staff have had their share of memorable calls -- inquiries that stand out from the crowd because they're heartwarming or amusing. We asked some of the veteran staff members to tell us their favorites; plus, we rounded up a bunch of our own personal favorites from the Talk-Line archives. Its hard to beat the call from a trucker who planned to cook his Thanksgiving turkey on the engine of his truck , but some of these come pretty close. Warning: do not attempt to adjust your screen -- these are real incidents, true stories -- from the front lines! * Home alone, a Kentucky woman was in the doghouse when she called the Butterball Turkey Talk-Line. While preparing the turkey, her Chihuahua jumped into the bird's body cavity and couldn't get out. She tried pulling the dog and shaking the bird, but nothing worked. She and the dog became more and more distraught. After calming the woman down, the Talk-Line home economist suggested carefully cutting the opening in the cavity of the turkey wider. It worked and Fido was freed! * Taking turkey preparation an extra step, a Virginian wondered, "How do you thaw a fresh turkey?" The Talk-Line staffer explained that fresh turkeys aren't frozen and don't need to be thawed. * Don't wait until the last minute! On Thanksgiving Day, a Georgian woman took the "Be prepared" motto to heart. She had just agreed to host Thanksgiving Dinner and called the Talk-Line a year ahead of time for turkey tips. * Thanksgiving Dinner on the run. A woman called 1-800-323-4848 to find out how long it would take to roast her turkey. To answer the question, the Talk-Line home economist asked how much the bird weighed. The woman responded, "I don't know, it's still running around outside." * Tofu turkey? No matter how you slice it, Thanksgiving just isn't Thanksgiving without turkey. A restaurant owner in California wanted to know how to roast a turkey for a vegetarian menu. * White meat, anyone? A West Coast woman took turkey preparation to extremes by scrubbing her bird with bleach. Afterward, she called the Talk-Line to find out how to clean off the bleach. To her dismay, she was advised to dispose of the turkey. * A young girl called on behalf of her mother who needed roasting advice. To provide approximate roasting times, the home economist asked what size the turkey was. Without asking her mother the little girl paused, then replied, "Medium."

The confessions Three friends were at the bar talking, and after many rounds of beer, one of them suggests that everyone admit something they have never admitted to anyone. Okay," says Peter, "I`ve never told anybody I`m a gay!" John confesses, "I`m having an affair with my boss`s wife." Moishe, begins, "I don`t know how to tell you..." "Don`t be shy," said Peter and John. Well," says Moishe, "I can`t keep secrets."

An elderly couple is beginning to notice that neither of them seem to be able to remember things as well as they used to. So, they go to see their doctor, who explains that there is nothing really wrong with, just typical memory loss associated with old age. He suggests that they each get notebooks and write notes to themselves to help remember things. The couple goes home and that evening while watching T.V. the man gets up and heads for the kitchen. His wife asks if he can bring her some ice cream when he returns. He says he will, and she says he should write it down. "I`m just going to the kitchen, I'll remember." "Well, I want that with nuts, too." "O.K. he says ice cream with nuts." She asks again if he's going to write it down. "No, I'm just going to the kitchen." "And a Cherry on the top?" He agrees and turns toward the kitchen again and she asks again about writing it down. Now the old man is angry, "Look, old.

Men have two emotions, hungry and horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich.

A blind man walks into a restaurant and sits down. The waiter, who is also the owner, walks up to the blind man and hands him a menu. "I'm sorry, sir, but I am blind and can't read the menu. Just bring me a dirty fork from a previous customer. I'll smell it and order from there." A little confused, the owner walks over to the dirty dish pile and picks up a greasy fork. He returns to the blind man's table and hands it to him. The blind man puts the fork to his nose and takes in a deep breath. "Ah, yes, that's what I'll have -- meatloaf and mashed potatoes." Unbelievable, the owner thinks as he walks towards the kitchen. The cook happens to be the owner's wife. He tells her what had just happened. The blind man eats his meal and leaves. Several days later, the blind man returns and the owner mistakenly brings him a menu again. "Sir, remember me? I'm the blind man." "I'm sorry, I didn't recognize you. I'll go get you a dirty fork." The owner retrieves a dirty fork and brings it to the blind man. After another deep breath, the blind man says, "That smells great. I'll take the macaroni and cheese with broccoli." Walking away in disbelief, the owner thinks the blind man is screwing around with him and tells his wife that the next time the blind man comes in he's going to test him. The blind man eats and leaves. He returns the following week, but this time the owner sees him coming and runs to the kitchen. He tells his wife, "Mary, rub this fork on your panties before I take it to the blind man." Mary complies and hands her husband the fork. As the blind man walks in and sits down, the owner is ready and waiting. "Good afternoon, sir, this time I remembered you and I already have the fork ready for you." The blind man puts the fork to his nose, takes a deep whiff, and says, "Hey I didn't know that Mary worked here..."

Q5: How do you ask a dinosaur to lunch? A: Tea Rex?

"The Chinese Girl" A man goes to a disco and starts chatting up a very attractive looking Chinese girl. She appears to be all over him and soon asks him back to her place "for a coffee". When they get to her flat, she tells him to help himself to a drink while she slips into something more comfortable... Just as he finishes getting the drink, the sexy Chinese seductress returns wearing only a see-through negligee. "I am your sex slave!" she says, "I will do absolutely ANYTHING you want!" Well the man is taken a little bit by surprise and can`t believe his luck, so he says, "I really fancy a 69." "F**k Off" replies the girl, "I`m not cooking at this time of night."

You be the biscuits and I’ll be the gravy, let us do breakfast sometime.

Why I Fired My Secretary I woke up early, feeling depressed because it was my birthday, and I thought, "I'm another year older," but decided to make the best of it. So I showered and shaved, knowing when I went down to breakfast my wife would greet me with a big kiss and say, "Happy birthday, dear." All smiles, I went in to breakfast, and there sat my wife, reading her newspaper, as usual. She didn't say one word. So I got myself a cup of coffee, made some toast and thought to myself, "Oh well, she forgot. The kids will be down in a few minutes, smiling and happy, and they will sing 'Happy Birthday' and have a nice gift for me." There I sat, enjoying my coffee, and I waited. Finally, the kids came running into the kitchen, yelling, "Give me a slice of toast! I'm late! Where is my coat? I'm going to miss the bus!" Feeling more depressed than ever, I left for the office. When I walked into the office, my secretary greeted me with a great big smile and a cheerful "Happy birthday, boss." She then asked if she could get me some coffee. Her remembering my birthday made me feel a whole lot better. Later in the morning, my secretary knocked on my office door and said, "Since it's your birthday, why don't we have lunch together?" Thinking it would make me feel better, I said, "That's a good idea." So we locked up the office, and since it was my birthday, I said, "Why don't we drive out of town and have lunch in the country instead of going to the usual place?" So we drove out of town and went to a little out-of-the-way inn and had a couple of martinis and a nice lunch. We started driving back to town, when my secretary said, "Why don't we go to my place, and I will fix you another martini." It sounded like a good idea, since we didn't have much to do in the office. So we went to her apartment, and she fixed us some martinis. After a while, she said, "If you will excuse me, I think I will slip into something more comfortable," and she left the room. In a few minutes, she opened her bedroom door and came out carrying a big birthday cake. Following her were my wife and all my kids. And there I sat with nothing on but my socks.

Seder song number 2 - Elijah Elijah! I just saw the prophet Elijah. And suddenly that name Will never sound the same to me. Elijah! He came to our seder Elijah! He had his cup of wine, But could not stay to dine This year-- Elijah! For your message all Jews are waiting: That the time`s come for peace and not hating-- Elijah-- Next year we`ll be waiting. Elijah!

What did the chocolate syrup say to the ice cream? "I'm sweet on you!"

Prevention policy Nathan goes to see his doctor. After a lengthy examination the doctor sighs, looks Nathan in the eye and says, "I`ve some bad news for you, Nathan. You have an incurable cancer. I suggest you quickly put your affairs in order." Nathan is initially shocked. But then, being a calm, solid character, he composes himself and quietly leaves the doctor`s office. His son Max is waiting for him. "Max," says Nathan, "we Jews celebrate when things are good and we sometimes celebrate when things are not so good. In my case, Max, things aren`t so good - I have cancer. So I suggest we go to my golf club for a few drinks." 4 or 5 glasses of whiskey later, the two are feeling a little less sad. Then, after a few laughs and some more glasses of whiskey, they are approached by two of Nathan`s club mates, curious as to what Nathan and Max are celebrating. Nathan tells them, "Guys, we’re drinking to my impending death. I’ve been diagnosed with AIDS." His club mates are shocked. They give Nathan their condolences, have a couple of beers and leave. Max then says, "Dad, you tell me you’re dying of cancer yet you tell your friends you’re dying of AIDS. I don’t understand." Nathan replies, "I don`t want any of them sleeping with your Mum after I’m gone."

How was the hamburger murdered? First it was 'rolled,' then smothered in onions.

Bernie and Abe are having a drink together in a City wine bar to celebrate Abe?s recent promotion. They had been drinking for some time when Bernie begins to insult Abe. He shouts,?I slept with your mother, Abe.? There was a hush as everyone listens. Bernie again shouts at Abe,?I slept with your mother, Abe.? Abe replies,?I know. Why don?t you go home now, Dad, you?re drunk.?

A tour bus driver drives with a bus full of seniors down a highway, when a little old lady taps him on his shoulder. She offers him a handful of almonds, which he gratefully munches up. After approx.15 minutes, she taps him on his shoulder again and she hands him another handful of almonds. She repeats this gesture about eight times. At the ninth time he asks the little old lady why they don't eat the almonds themselves, whereupon she replies that it is not possible because of their old teeth, they are not able to chew them. "Why do you buy them then?" he asks puzzled. Whereupon the old lady Answers, "We just love the chocolate around them."

Woman to husband at breakfast table: "It sure is easier to get Junior up for school since he got his nose ring!"

Chuck Norris Eats Pancakes For Breakfast Every Night.