I was walking down the street the other day when I saw my buddy Doug. I walked up to him and mentioned that I had the most bizarre dream the night before last. Doug listened intently as I told him that the dream consisted of one thing and one thing only. So I told him that all I had dreamt about was a huge glowing number "5." It made of gold and sparkled with diamonds. Doug's curiosity was peaked. I went on to say that the first thing that I did in the morning was to grab the daily racing digest and look up the fifth race. Doug raised an eyebrow. So I told him that the #5 horse in the fifth race was named "The Fifth Element." Doug started grinning. Then I told Doug point-by-point what I did that day. - I ate five bowls of cereal for breakfast and drank five cups of coffee. - I went for a five mile jog to clear my head. - I took a five minute shower. - I dressed in the fifth suit I found in my closet. - I sat in my car for five minutes before starting it up. - I drove to the racetrack and parked in the fifth stall in the fifth row. - I entered through the fifth admissions gate. - I bought five programs. - I went to the fifth betting window and bet $555 on the fifth horse in the fifth race. - I went and sat in the fifth row of the bleachers making sure there were five people sitting on either side of me. I settled in and waited for the race to start. "Well," said Doug. "Did the horse win?" I smiled at Doug and said, "Of course not, he came in fifth."

My penis made me locally famous. I didn't find out about it until I got to the University. Before then my experience with women was non-existent. I'd been at a boys' school, and anyway I was pretty spotty. I couldn't believe when, all of a sudden, at the Freshman Ball, I was snuggling. I was even more amazed when we were in her room. We were both wasted. I didn't have a clue how to behave, I was terrified, but she knew what to do and in no time we were naked, in bed. She was kissing my mouth. My neck. My chest, my stomach, my... -- She stopped. "Oh my goodness!" she said, incredulous, "Your cock tastes just like CHOCOLATE!" Melanie wasn't a shy girl. She must have told her friend Suzy. I realized this the next day when a very attractive girl, with hip clothes and trainers, approached me in the Union Bar and just started chatting. This had NEVER happened to me before. She asked me if I wanted to hear a new CD she'd bought, and then we were in her room. Halfway through the second track we were naked. She'd hardly even kissed me before her face disappeared under the duvet. "It does!", she exclaimed suddenly. "It bloody well DOES!" Two weeks into college I was still a virgin. I had, however, received twenty three blowjobs from twelve different girls and heard words such as 'incredible', 'amazing', `Bournville', 'Swiss' and 'Belgian' exclaimed by mops of hair beneath my bedclothes. I had also been requested to immerse myself in a glass of milk and move vigorously to see if any of the flavor rubbed off. It didn't. I went to the Doctor. She didn't believe me. Nor did she try it out, which I thought shockingly unscientific. But she did see the state I was in and gave me a salve. Okay, so I'll admit it. For the first year it was great. I could have loads of women, any time I wanted. I got cunning and made them sleep with me first. I got fussy. All the guys on campus were jealous. People who didn't know me looked wide eyed to see one or more stunning girls on the arm of a spotty, pale youth, with lank dark hair and glasses. "What's he got?", they seemed to ask themselves. When the second year came I got really tired of it. There was a whole new year of girls who wanted to try me out. I felt like an object. A specimen. And there was something missing from my life, a yearning. I tried to have conversations with girls, in the coffee bar say, but all the time their eyes would be flicking to my crotch. Their tongues would run over their lips, their eyes would glaze over. I would make a hasty excuse and leave. It was about this time I began to get really upset about it. Everyone had started calling me Hob Nob. When I say "everyone", it's not quite true: Some people called me Willy Wonka. Hey, it is NOT funny! I was a person! I was more than a sexual organ that just happened to be flavored like confectionery. Everyone stared at me. All the girls laughed when they saw me. I overheard them talking about me. About it! I think I had a bit of a breakdown, I couldn't take it. All through my third year I stayed in. I saw no one. I had given up on my little University world. Everyone knew everything. Because I didn't have anything to do I studied all the time. I did well and then I went to New York, Columbia, for a Masters. I took a deep breath of fresh air. Fantastic! It was great! Nobody knew me! If it hadn't been for the lousy beer it would have been perfect. I met Laurie a few months later and we started to go out. I'd seen her around in the cafeteria on campus, but it was only when I heard her give a paper on radical feminism that I really noticed her. She wrote about the politics of oral sex. She stood at the lectern in black jeans, white tee shirt, her hair tied back severely, her little fists clenching to emphasize a point. "Oral sex", she had concluded, "is degrading. The worship of the phallus only serves to enforce the enslavement of women. No woman should ever do it, and I certainly won't do it ever again. Ever. Thank you." She stepped down from the platform to rapturous applause from a room mainly filled by women. I was enraptured, entranced. I had to get to know her. Well, eventually we got it together. Having no chocolate penis to rely on, I had to be myself and for a long time she wasn't interested. But then it all happened. Nights discussing politics, poetry, walks in the park, old Cocteau movies. Love, smooth and slow, calm as an angel. About a year after we met, she was lying in my bed, naked, her black hair blooming like an impossible rose against my sheets, her flawless skin almost as white as they were. I was so happy. I started to kiss her, to cover her with kisses. I wanted to adore her, to make her feel better than anything; sighs escaped her like wind from a wood across a wheat field... "No!" she said. She took me by the scruff of the neck. "Not there!" I stopped. "Why not?", I asked. "I knew it", she said firmly. "I won't do it to you in return. I won't. Not..." "I know," I assured her. "I *want* to do it to you. But I don't want you to do it to me, ever." "You will", she said, "You will! I knew this would happen..." I didn't listen to her. I knew. There was no way I'd let her even if she wanted to. Never. I covered the insides of her thighs with my face and rested my hands on the tops of her legs. I pushed them apart slightly. She resisted a little but then she opened her legs wider and I -- I lifted my head up. "Guinness!" I cried, "Guinness!"

When I`m a little old lady, then I`ll live with my children and bring them great joy. To repay all I`ve had from each girl and boy I shall draw on the walls and scuff up the floor; run in and out without closing the door. I`ll hide frogs in the pantry, socks under my bed. And whenever they scold me, I`ll hang my head. I`ll run and I`ll romp, always fritter away ... the time to be spent doing chores every day. I`ll pester my children when they are on the phone. As long as they`re busy I won`t leave them alone. Hide candy in closets, rocks in a drawer ... and never pick up what I drop on the floor. Dash off to the movies and not wash a dish. I`ll plead for allowance whenever I wish. I`ll stuff up the plumbing and deluge the floor. As soon as they`ve mopped it, I`ll flood it some more. When they correct me, I`ll lie down and cry, kicking and screaming, not a tear in my eye. I`ll take all their pencils and flashlights, and then .. when they buy new ones, I`ll take them again. I`ll spill glasses of milk to complete every meal ... Eat my banana and just drop the peel. Put toys on the table, spill jam on the floor. I`ll break lots of dishes as though I were four. What fun I shall have, what joy it will be to Live with my children...just the way that they lived with me!

Concerned husband goes to see the family doctor and says, "I think my wife is deaf because she never hears me the first time I say something, in fact, I often have to repeat things over and over again." "Well," the doctor replies, "go home and tonight and stand about 15 feet from her and say something. If she doesn't reply, move about five feet closer and say it again. Keep doing this so we can get an idea about the severity of her deafness." Sure enough, the husband goes home and does exactly as instructed. He starts off about 15 feet from his wife in the kitchen and as she is chopping some vegetables, he says, "Honey, what's for dinner?" He gets no response. He moves about five feet closer and asks again. No reply. He moves five feet closer. Still no reply. He gets fed up and moves right behind her, about an inch away, and asks again, "Honey, what's for dinner?" She replies, "For the fourth time, vegetable stew!"

A man has spent many days crossing the desert without water. His camel dies of thirst. He's crawling through the sands, certain that he has breathed his last, when all of a sudden he sees an object sticking out of the sand several yards ahead of him. He crawls to the object, pulls it out of the sand, and discovers what looks to be an old brief case. He opens it and out pops a genie. But this is no ordinary genie. He is wearing an IRS ID badge and dull gray suit. There's a calculator in his pocket. He has a pencil tucked behind one ear. "Well, kid," says the genie. "You know how it works. You have three wishes." "I'm not falling for this." Says the man. "I'm not going to trust an IRS auditor." "What do you have to lose? You've got no transportation, and it looks like you're a goner anyway!" The man thinks about this for a minute, and decides that the genie is right. "O K, I wish I were in a lush oasis with plentiful food and drink." ***POOF*** The man finds himself in the most beautiful oasis he has ever seen. And he is surrounded with jugs of wine and platters of delicacies. "OK, kid, what's your second wish." "My second wish is that I were rich beyond my wildest dreams." ***POOF*** The man finds himself surrounded by treasure chests filled with rare gold coins and precious gems. "OK, kid, you have just one more wish. Better make it a good one!" After thinking for a few minutes, the man says "I wish that no matter where I go beautiful women will want and need me." ***POOF*** He is turned into a tampon. The moral of the story... If the government offers you anything, there's going to be a string attached.

Truly, the life style of a school teacher has changed radically in the last fifty or sixty years. For example, a 1915 teachers' magazine listed the following rules of conduct for teachers of that day: 1. You will not marry during the term of your contract. 2. You are not to keep company with men. 3. You must be home between the hours of 8 p.m. and 6 a.m. unless attending a school function. 4. You may not loiter downtown in ice cream stores. 5. You may not travel beyond the city limits unless you have the permission of the chairman of the board. 6. You may not ride in a carriage or automobile with any man unless he is your father or brother. 7. You may not smoke cigarettes. 8. You may not dress in bright colors. 9. You may under no circumstances dye your hair. 10. You must wear at least two petticoats. 11. Your dresses must not be any shorter than two inches above the ankle. 12. To keep the school room neat and clean, you must: sweep the floor at least once daily; scrub the floor at least once a week with hot, soapy water; clean the blackboards at least once a day; and start the fire at 7 a.m. so the room will be warm by 8 a.m.

Chuck Norris can get coffee out of a tea bag.

Two Arabs boarded a flight out of London. One took a window seat and the other sat next to him in the middle seat. Just before takeoff, an American sat down in the aisle seat. After takeoff, the American kicked his shoes off, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the Arab in the window seat said,"I need to get up and get a beer". "Don't get up," said the American, "I'm in the aisle seat. I'll get it for you". As soon as he left, one of the Arabs picked up the American's shoe and spat in it. When he returned with the beer, the other Arab said, "That looks good, I'd really like one, too". Again, the American obligingly went to fetch it. While he was gone the other Arab picked up his other shoe and spat in it too. When the American returned, they all sat back and enjoyed the flight. As the plane was landing, the American slipped his feet into his shoes and knew immediately what had happened. "Why does it have to be this way?" he asked. "How long must this go on? This fighting between our nations? This hatred? This animosity? This spitting in shoes... pissing in beers?"

The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray: "Take only ONE. God is watching." Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies. A child had written a note, "Take all you want. God is watching the apples."

My husband and I found a charming bed-and-breakfast nestled in the White Mountains of New Hampshire. Though enchanted, I nonetheless had some questions about the accommodations. "Does the room have its own bath?" I asked. Nodding, the proprietor answered, "If no one else shows up, it does."

Where would you take a ghost for lunch? Pizza Haunt!

Three mice are sitting in a bar in a pretty rough neighbourhood late at night trying to impress each other about how tough they are. The first mouse pounds a shot of scotch, slams the glass onto the bar, turns to the second mouse and says, "When I see a mousetrap, I lie on my back and set it off with my foot. When the bar comes down, I catch it in my teeth, bench press it twenty times to work up an appetite, and then make off with the cheese." The second mouse orders up two shots of sour mash, pounds them both, slams each glass onto the bar, turns to the first mouse and replies: "Yeah, well when I see rat poison, I collect as much as I can, take it home, grind it up into a powder, and add it to my coffee each morning so I can get a good buzz going for the rest of the day." The first mouse and the second mouse then turn to the third mouse. The third mouse lets out a long sigh and says to the first two, "I don't have time for this bull. I gotta go home and screw the cat."

Spouse #1: Honey, this coffee tastes like dirt. Spouse #2: That`s not surprising, dear, it was just ground this morning.

Q: Why does hamburger have lower energy than steak?A: Because it`s in the ground state.

How does a man show he's planning for the future? He buys two cases of beer instead of one.

Jewish Mothers • Mothers only offer advice twice, when you want it and when you don’t. • A mother’s love is a better cure than chicken soup, but chicken soup is cheaper. • Your mother is the only person who knows more about you than you know about yourself. • If you can’t remember whether or not you called your mother, you didn’t. • The motherly advice you ignore will always turn out to be the best advice she ever gave you. • If you forget, your mother will remind you of all your mistakes so you don’t repeat them. • Anything you do can be criticized by your mother - even doing nothing. • You can’t "out mother" your mother. Don’t even try. • Never lie to your mother. And if you do, never think you got away with it. • The harder you try to hide something from your mother, the more she resembles a webcam. • The older you are, the more you feel like a child around your mother. • Mother’s way is best. If you don’t believe it, ask her.

A young couple, married just a couple of weeks, returns from their honeymoon to face the beginning of their new lives. The next morning the husband wakes up, showers, dresses and makes his way to the kitchen where he sees his new wife crying. So the husband inquires, "What's wrong, Honey?" "Well, I came down here this morning to surprise you with a big breakfast, but I can't cook or clean." The husband smiles his biggest smile and says, "There, there sweetie! I don't care that you can't cook and clean. Come on up to the bedroom and I'll show you what I'd like for breakfast." So off they went to the bedroom. That afternoon, the husband comes home for lunch to find his new wife crying again in the kitchen. "What's wrong now, Sweetie?" "Well, the same thing as this morning. I came in here to make you something for lunch and I just can't cook." Again the husband smiles and says, "Why don't you come back up to the bedroom and I'll have my lunch there!" So off they went to the bedroom again. That evening the new husband comes home, walks in the house and sees his new bride naked sliding down the banister of the stairs. Up she runs, and WHOOSH down the banister. After the third trip the husband asks, "What are you doing, Honey?" "Warming up your supper!" she replies.

A man at a restaurant asks the waiter, "How do you prepare your chickens? The waiter replies, "Nothing special. We just tell`em they`re gonna die..

News We Just Couldn't Pass Up A study published in New Scientist magazine has confirmed what common sense would dictate -- when porcupines mate, they do it very carefully. Tom Kroon won't have to worry about finding parking space near his house in Grand Rapids, Mich. Kroon, 64, refused to be evicted from the only home he has ever known, so city officials will build a public parking lot around it. Virginia Beach, Va., bank tellers handed over the loot when a robber demanded cash. They also slipped in an explosive dye pack that burns at about 400 degrees. The crook stuffed the loot down the front of his pants and was out the door before he realized something was wrong. A Milwaukee man was robbed at gunpoint on a golf course and was glad all the thieves took was his cash. "I was really afraid they were going to steal my golf clubs," he said. He played the course again the next day. Compiled by Ivan Weiss, Seattle Times, July 19, 1997 An Australian prisoner who wrote a "happy anniversary card" for Port Arthur mass-murderer Martin Bryant was acquitted of using the postal service to send offensive material. A Brazilian woman faces up to 15 years in jail for kidnapping the mother of a self-described real-estate agent who allegedly swindled her in a deal. A motorist led officers on a freeway chase until his sport-utility vehicle apparently ran out of gas, but the pursuit didn't end there. The man jumped out of the vehicle and began pushing it. California Highway Patrol officers waited until he tired and then arrested him. Compiled by Ivan Weiss, Seattle Times, December 20, 1997 A Warren, R.I., man found what he thought was a novelty cigarette lighter in the shape of a miniature handgun. When he pulled the trigger to produce a flame, the "lighter" fired a .22-caliber bullet. No one was hurt. A Columbus, Ohio, woman who mowed her lawn topless was convicted of disorderly conduct and fined $40. The judge said it was because she had been drinking. Connecticut lottery devotees did a double take when the same winning numbers, 8-2-8, were drawn two days in a row. Northbridge, Mass., police caught a former doughnut-shop employee who robbed the place after he left a trail of coins leading to his apartment. Hudson the dog, who lives in London, saved the life of his arch-rival, Zoe the cat, by barking until their owner rescued Zoe from a spinning clothes dryer. Compiled by Ivan Weiss, The Seattle Times, January 31, 1998 A rubber cow-pie prop from "The Beverly Hillbillies" was auctioned off recently by Universal Studios as part of an on-line charity fund-raiser. Fishermen in Russia's Far East have been buying up Chinese-made Barbie dolls and using their golden hair as bait. A New York parolee turned the tables on his parole officer and had him arrested for soliciting a $10,000 bribe. A lawmaker seeking re-election to the Danish Parliament has said the country's 11 million pigs should be given toys to play with. An Australian cricket player, desperate for some plain food after two weeks in India, called home for an emergency shipment of canned baked beans and spaghetti. A Newport News, Va., man was sentenced to five months in jail on five counts of being a Peeping Tom after his lip prints matched ones left on a window. A Saegertown, Pa., man who said he was tired of looking at two telephone service boxes at the edge of his property ripped them up with a tractor, state police said. He could not be reached for comment. His phone is no longer in service. Compiled by Ivan Weiss, The Seattle Times, March 7, 1998 Angry at the quality of their dinner after a grueling day on duty, about 200 Sri Lankan policemen fired shots into the air and set fire to their food. Victoria, B.C., authorities have taken a newborn baby from its mother because of a health threat at home -- overexposure to detergent. Hong Kong's Buddhist clergy have warned the faithful that phony monks who have wives and smoke cigarettes are preying on the faithful at funerals. Creve Coeur, Ill., p.

One morning while making breakfast, a man walked up to his wife and pinched her on her bottom and said, "You know if you firmed this up we could get rid of your girdle." While this was on the edge of intolerable, she thought herself better and replied with silence. The next morning the man woke his wife with a pinch on the breast and said, "You know if you firmed these up we could get rid of your bra." This was beyond a silent response, so she rolled over and grabbed him by the penis. With a death grip in place she said, "You know if you firmed this up we could get rid of the postman, the gardener, the pool man and your brother."