Beer: It's not just for breakfast anymore.

You must be Chinese if: You don`t have matching bedding. You don`t have matching dishes. At least one person in your family owns or knows how to use a sewing machine. You don`t have matching hangers in your closet. You have or have had a fish tank in your living room. You`re a Costco member. You never really bought a calendar in your life; you always got the free ones with movies stars or nature scenes from grocery stores. You`ve been to 99 Ranch Market at least once in your life. You`re amused when Americans think Chinese fast food is good. You dilute your dishwasher soap with water when your running out so it`ll last a little longer. You don`t really own Tupperware, you store food in bowls or pots covered in plastic wrap. You feel awkward when someone asks you to leave your shoes on in their house. If you have a dog, you feed it left over rice with some food instead of real dog food. Someone in your family has a fixed up Honda/Acura. You have something covering your kitchen table to keep it clean. You kiss up to relatives when it comes close to new year. You collect and recycle for the extra money. You`ll spend for name brand clothes but keep condiments from fast food places. You have instant noodles in your house. You can`t go more that five days without rice. You`ve had at least one hair cut from your mom or dad. You don`t really own a mop, you just use a old t-shirt instead. You hate it when your parents boil Chinese herbs because it stinks. You have lup cheung in your fridge. You have owned the same vacuum cleaner longer than 5 years. You only drink soup from Chinese spoons not Western spoons. You work out so hard but still look like the average Asian. You eat spaghetti at home with chopsticks You have at least one relative who lives within an hour drive. Your mother has a short-haired, curly perm. Your dad is some sort of engineer. Your parents have tried to get you into places half-price saying you were 12 when you were really 15. You ask your parents help on one math problem and two hours later they`re still lecturing. You have a 40lb. bag of rice in your pantry. You shop 99 Ranch Market. You`ve had a bowl haircut at one point in your life. Your parents enjoy comparing you to their friends` kids. Your parents say, "Don`t forget your heritage." You drive mostly Japanese cars. You`ve learned to keep bargaining even if the prices are rock bottom. You`ve had to eat parts of animals they don`t even put in hot dogs. At least once, you`ve started a joke with "Confucius say. . . " You know what bok choy is. You`ve ever gotten little red envelopes around February. Piles of shoes tend to make it hard to open the front, back and closet doors. You hear + yah!) every time someone calls you.. You have NO eyelashes. Idiot people try to impress you with pathetic imitation Asian languages, like the ever-so-popular: ching chong woo bok chi, etc ... Your parents say leaving rice in your bowl is a sin. The Bio lectures on marine life was last night`s dinner. Your ancestors 1000 generations back invented the back scratcher. At least one family member wears black wire/plastic frame glasses. Your parents hover over your tired, caffeine-drugged body at 12 midnight to say, "In China, we studied even more." Your parents expect you`ll be best friends with anyone off the street in any given area as long as they are Asian. An Asian woman comes on campus and people ask: "Is that your mother? Well then, is it your sister?" Your relatives` houses smell like incense, mothballs or both. Your parents say, "Calculus? I took calculus in 8th grade!" . Everyone thinks you`re good at math. Your parents` vocabulary is filled with "Ai-yahs and Wah`s". You like $1.75 movies. You like $1.50 movies even more. Your aunts and uncles bring you back adorable clothing from Asia with fuzzy bunnies, vinyl ducks and English words that make no sense, in great colors like yellow, pink, magenta, orange and the ever popular lime green. Your parents insist you marry within your race. You never order chop suey, sweet and sour pork, or any other imitation oriental food. You either really, really want to go to UCI or really, really want to stay away from it. Your parents have never kissed you. Your parents have never kissed each other. You learned about the birds and the bees from someone other than your parents. "You want a stereo!" When I was your age, I didn`t even have shoes!" People see a bunch of scribbles on a chopstick and ask you to translate. You have to call just about all your parent`s friends "Auntie and Uncle." You have 12+ aunts and uncles. At expensive restaurants, you order a glass of water for your beverage a never order dessert. Your parents simply cut the green/black part off the bread and say "Eat it anyway. It`s still good." The vast majority of the people related to you wear glasses. Thick glasses. You are taller than your parents. Your parents have either made you play the piano, the violin or both. You get nothing if you do well in school, but crapped on if you don`t . When going to other peoples` houses, you always have to bring a gift. Your dad still pulls his socks up to his knees, you know, the ones with the blue and pink stripes at the top. Your family owns a tennis racquet, golf clubs, or both. The furniture in your house never matches the wallpaper, the carpet, the decorations or any of the rest of the furniture. You have rocks, sticks, leaves and strange-smelling, unknown substances in your pantry for use as medicine. You own two rice cooker You buy soy sauce by the gallon. Your family owns butcher knives bigger than your head. Your parents tell you about how long it took for them to get to school, how horrible the weather was in their native country, and how much they still appreciated going. Your parents buy you clothes and shoes many sizes too big so you can "grow into it" and wear it for years to come. Your parents ask your teachers to give you more homework. Your friends swear they saw you on public television playing violin at a recital. You`ll forward this to all your Asian friends. You keep fresh garlic and ginger in the kitchen at all times. You`ve seen every Bruce Lee movie ever made. You still have your old slide rule. You save grocery bags, tin foil, and tin containers You eat every last grain of rice in your bowl, but don`t eat the last piece of food on the table. Your parents still use a clothes line. You have stuff in your freezer from since the beginning of time. You reuse tea bags. Your parents tell you to boil herbs and stay inside when you`re sick. You have a drawer full of used pens, most of which don`t write anymore. You never order chop suey or egg foo young. You have a relative or friend who works as a waiter or cook. You suck on salty preserved seeds for a sore throat. You know what the term "FOB" and "ABC" means. Your parent`s lifelong ambition is to go to Las Vegas. Your folks never speak under 10 decibels at family gatherings. You were told you all look alike. You never made the school football or basketball team. Your grandmother smell like mothballs. You unwrap Christmas gifts very carefully to save and reuse wrappings and bows. You know how to pinch someone with your toes. You would drive around the block 10 times rather than pay for parking. You eat rice for breakfast. Your friends and everybody else assume you know Kung Fu. The main topic at family get-together`s is food. You have two middle initials instead of one. You have clothes in your closet that is coming back in style. You laugh at Chung King commercials. You pick your teeth at the dinner table, but you cover your mouth. You would prefer your fish entree staring at you on the dinner table. You know all the waiters at your favorite Chinese restaurant. You buy rice in 50 pound sacks. Your living room sofas have covers on them. Your parents or relatives have goldfish swimming in an aquarium. You have a piano in the living room. You received little red envelopes containing money on special occasions. You have piles of shoes and slippers blocking the entrances to your home. You have a vinyl tablecloth on your kitchen table. You have at least one family member who wears black wire or plastic framed glasses. You use the underside of a porcelain bowl to sharpen your knives. You either love or hate "mooncakes". You hated that black herb medicine that your parents forced you to drink when you were sick. You prefer your chicken and shrimp served with heads and feet still attached. You always drink tea after a meal.

Here's a lame one... What is Homer Simpson's favorite ice cream? Chocolate-chip cookie DOH!

A chicken sandwidch walked into the bar, ordered some food and beer. The bartender says: "Sorry, we don`t serve food here".

Where do you learn to make banana splits? At sundae school.

How did the dog make gold soup? He put in 24 carrots.

Why does a man only get half-hour lunch-breaks? So his boss doesn't have to retrain him.

Q: What do Penguins have for lunch?A: Icebergers.

Signs You Are Getting Old: You find yourself listening to talk radio. You daughter says she got pierced and you look at her ears. The pattern on your shorts and couch match. You fondly remember your powder blue leisure suit. You think Tragically Hip is when a middle-aged man gets a new sports car, hair piece and a 20 year old girlfriend. You criticize the kids of today for their satanic suicide-inducing music, forgetting that you rocked to Alice Cooper and Black Sabbath. You call the police on a noisy party next door instead of grabbing beer and joining it. You turn down free tickets to a rock concert because you have to work the next day. When grass is something that you cut, not cultivate. When jogging is something you do to your memory. Getting a little action means your prune juice is working. All the cars behind you flash their headlights. You remember the "Rolling Stones" as a rock group not a corporation. You bought your first car for the same price you paid for your son's new running shoes. You actually ASK for your father's advice. You don't know how to operate a fax machine. When someone mentions SURFING you picture waves and a surf board.

A family of tortoises went into a cafe for some ice cream. They sat down and were about to start when Father Tortoise said, "I think it's going to rain. Junior, will you pop home and fetch my umbrella?" So off went junior for Father's umbrella, but three days later he still hadn't returned. "I think, dear," said Mother Tortoise to Father Tortoise, "that we had better eat junior's ice cream before it melts." And a voice from the door said, "If you do that I won't go."

Two old friends are having coffee when the first woman says, "I hear that you've been telling people that I'm ugly!" "Oh NO! I've just been saying that your new hairdo makes you look less attractive." "I also heard that you've been calling me fat?!?" "Oh NO! I just said that the way you wear those stripes makes you look larger than you really are." "I've also heard that you're saying that my husband has a wart on his dick!" "Oh NO! I only said that it feels like he has a wart on his dick!"

Once Chuck Norris chewed up a gold bar and a chocolate bar, then he spit out Mr. T.

How did the dog's owner know his pet was angry about having soap flakes for breakfast? He foamed at the mouth.

What`s the difference between the stay puff marshmallow man and a stay-puff marshmallow? The marshmallow will fit in your vagina.

There were two cannibals who captured a man. They decided it would be fair if they started eating from opposite ends. After a few minutes, the one who started at the head asked the other one, "How's it going down there?" And the other one replies, "I'm having a ball!"

Cleavage: The best popcorn catcher.

A young man saw an elderly couple sitting down to lunch at McDonald's. He noticed that they had ordered one meal, and an extra drink cup. As he watched, the gentleman carefully divided the hamburger in half, then counted out the fries, one for him, one for her, until each had half of them. Then he poured half of the soft drink into the extra cup and set that in front of his wife. The old man then began to eat, and his wife sat watching, with her hands folded in her lap. The young man decided to ask if they would allow him to purchase another meal for them so that they didn't have to split theirs. The old gentleman said, "Oh no. We've been married 50 years, and everything has always been and will always be shared, 50/50." The young man then asked the wife if she was going to eat, and she replied, "It's his turn with the teeth."

Progress Hetty was just about to make herself a cup of coffee when her front doorbell rang. She opened the door and there stood a smartly dressed man. "Good morning, madam," he said, "I’m a Jehovah Witness and …" but before he could continue, Hetty said to him, "I’m just about to make myself some coffee. Why don’t you come in and join me?" Very surprised, he agreed. After coffee, Hetty said, "I’m now going to have to make some lunch for myself so I don’t really have much time at this moment to talk to you. But if you’d like to join me in a bite to eat, we can talk later." He was shocked at this kind offer. But again he agreed. When they had finished eating, Hetty said, "OK, I’m all ears. Why don’t you start at the beginning and tell me all about the Jehovah Witness movement?" He was totally surprised by this and replied, "I can’t tell you anything - I’ve never got this far before."

For all of you Coca Cola drinkers . . .1. In many states the highway patrol carries two gallons of Coke in the trunk to remove blood from the highway after a car accident.2. You can put a T-bone steak in a bowl of Coke and it will be gone in two days.3. To clean a toilet: Pour a can of Coke into the toilet bowl. Let the "real thing" sit for one hour, then flush clean.4. The citric acid in Coke removes stains from vitreous china.5. To remove rust spots from chrome car bumpers: Rub the bumper with a crumpled-up piece of Reynolds Wrap aluminum foil dipped in Coca-Cola.6. To clean corrosion from car battery terminals: Pour a can of Coca-Cola over the terminals to bubble away the corrosion.7. To loosen a rusted bolt: Apply a cloth soaked in Coca-Cola to the rusted bolt for several minutes.8. To bake a moist ham: Empty a can of Coca-Cola into the baking pan; wrap the ham in aluminum foil, and bake. Thirty minutes before the ham is finished, remove the foil, allowing the drippings to mix with the Coke for a sumptuous brown gravy.9. To remove grease from clothes: Empty a can of coke into a load of greasy clothes, add detergent, and run through a regular cycle. The Coca-Cola will help loosen grease stains. It will also clean road haze from your windshield.FYI:1. The active ingredient in Coke is phosphoric acid. It`s pH is 2.8. It will dissolve a nail in about 4 days.2. To carry Coca Cola syrup the commercial truck must use the Hazardous material place cards reserved for Highly Corrosive materials.3. The distributors of coke have been using it to clean the engines of their trucks for about 20 years! Drink up!

Hungry Snake Having arived at the edge of the river, the fisherman soon realized he had forgotten to bring any bait. Just then he happened to see a little snake passing by who had caught a worm. The fisherman snatched up the snake and robbed him of his worm. Feeling sorry for the little snake with no lunch, he snatched him up again and poured a little beer down his throat and went about his fishing. An hour or so later the fisherman felt a tug at his pantleg. Looking down, he saw the same snake with three more worms in his mouth...