What do they call a coffee break at the Lipton Tea Company?

Mother Banana: Why didn't you go to school today? Little Banana: Because I didn't peel well.

Q: How do you turn white chocolate into dark chocolate? A: Turn off the light.

The One ring from LOTR is an undigested cheerio that Chuck Norris had for breakfast.

A man comes to the doctor and says: "Doc, no matter what i do in bed i can't satisfy my wife". So the doctor sends him to the old train-station, where he is to find a very well-built guy that can help him. And so, the man goes there, finds the big guy and asks him for help. The guy says: "No problem, sir. You see this banana-skin? Invite me to your house while you are having sex, and i will wave it at you and your wife during the whole time. I promise you that she will reach satisfaction in no time". So, they head off to the man's house. When the woman opens the door, he asks her to go to bed, cause they are going to have some great sex. And so they begin, and the big man is waving the banana-skin. After 30 minutes, still the wife doesn't reach satisfaction. "Give it to me, i will wave and you will have the sex", says the man angrily. Ans so, he starts waving, and the big guy is having sex with the wife. After exactly two mintues, she reaches her peack. "You see, you Idiot", says the man to the big-guy with rage, "this is how you are supposed to wave a banana!".

There are three friends named Mad, Brain, and Fight. One day Fight went missing and his friends Mad and Brain started searching for him. Then Brain said, "Mad, let's file a missing person report with the police." When they were about to walk into the police station, Brain said, "Mad, you go and make the report. I will wait for you here." Mad said, "Okay." Mad walked in but no police officers paid attention to him. Then he saw a policeman drinking a cup of coffee. Mad went to the officer, smacked the table, and the cup of coffee flew in the air, landing in the officer's lap. Angry, the policeman asked, "Are you looking for a fight?" Mad replied, "Yes, I am." The policeman asked, "Are you mad?" Mad replied, "Yes, I am Mad." The policeman then asked, "Don't you have a brain?" Mad replied, "Brain is outside sir."

Why did the man drown in a bowl of cake mix? He got pulled under by a particularly strong current.

What did the Buddhist say to the hot dog vendor? Make me one with everything.

A man goes to a diner. On the menu it says, "Breakfast Served Anytime" so, when the waitress comes he orders French Toast during the Renaissance.

When the store manager returned from lunch, he noticed his clerk's hand was bandaged, but before he could ask about the bandage, the clerk said he had some very good news for him. "Guess what, sir?" the clerk said. "I finally sold that terrible, ugly suit we've had so long!" "Do you mean that repulsive pink-and-blue double-breasted thing?" the manager asked. "That's the one!" "That's great!" the manager cried, "I thought we'd never get rid of that monstrosity! That had to be the ugliest suit we've ever had! But tell me. Why is your hand bandaged?" "Oh," the clerk replied, "after I sold the guy that suit, his guide dog bit me."

A man gets married and shortly afterwards his wife dies. A friend tries to console him and asks, "What happened to your wife?" "She died of poison from eating mushrooms," said the husband. This man gets married a second time, and not long after the marriage, this second wife dies. The same friend tries to console the grieving husband and asks, "What happened to your second wife?" "She died of poison from eating mushrooms," was also the reply from the husband. This man takes a third wife and, not very long after the marriage, the third wife dies. The consoling friend asks, "What happened to your third wife? Was it mushroom poisoning?" The grieving husband responds, "No, she died of a broken neck." "A broken neck!" replies the friend. "Yes," says the husband, "she wouldn't eat her mushrooms."

Our local Eden Corn Festival is this weekend. My favorite part is the crowning of the Corn Queen, otherwise know as Queened Corn. All the girls are absolutely beautiful - not a hominy one in the bunch. The winner is usually a fairly husky girl - the thin as a stalk types don`t seem to win. And it helps to wear really flashy earrings. They present her with a lovely peach cobbler for a prize. One year some folks thought the contest was fixed, but they couldn`t come up with a kernal of evidence!

Q: Why does Ms. Mushroom go out with Mr. Mushroom? A: Because he is a fungi .

In all their months of marriage not once did he charter a jet to get her peanut butter sandwiches or fly a mime troupe in from France like Poppa did for Momma.

You find yourself listening to talk radio. You daughter says she got pierced and you look at her ears. The pattern on your shorts and couch match. You fondly remember your powder blue leisure suit. You think Tragically Hip is when a middle-aged man gets a new sports car, hair piece and a 20 year old girlfriend. You criticize the kids of today for their satanic suicide-inducing music, forgetting that you rocked to Alice Cooper and Black Sabbath. You call the police on a noisy party next door instead of grabbing beer and joining it. You turn down free tickets to a rock concert because you have to work the next day. When grass is something that you cut, not cultivate. When jogging is something you do to your memory. Getting a little action means your prune juice is working. All the cars behind you flash their headlights. You remember the "Rolling Stones" as a rock group not a corporation. You bought your first car for the same price you paid for your son's new running shoes. You actually ASK for your father's advice. You don't know how to operate a fax machine. When someone mentions SURFING you picture waves and a surf board.

Two rural church deacons who were having a sociable beer in the local tavern when they saw their minister drive by and take a good long look at their pickup trucks parked outside. One deacon ducked down and said, "I hope the reverend didn't see us or recognize my pickup." The other replied indifferently, "What difference does it make? God knows we're in here... and he's the only one who counts." The first deacon answered, "Yeah, but God won't tell my wife."

A man goes into a fish n chip shop with a salmon under his arm. He asks `Do you sell fish cakes here?` `No` was the reply. `Shame, it`s his birthday.

Retirement activities Arnold is doing some shopping at Brent Cross Shopping Centre when he meets Lionel. They haven’t seen each other for many years. "So what are you doing with yourself these days, Lionel?" asks Arnold. "Well," replies Lionel, "I used to work for Rothschilds Bank but I retired last year." "Lucky old you," says Arnold, "so what do you do with yourself all day?" "I get up late each morning," replies Lionel, "have my breakfast and then lie down on my veranda and relax. At midday, I go inside for some lunch. Then I go outside and lie on my veranda again. At the end of the day, I have dinner and drink only the finest of wines. Then I light up a good cigar. Later on, I go lie on my veranda again." "Wow," says Arnold, "that sounds fantastic to me. I envy you. Please God I should make enough money to retire soon." When Arnold gets home, he tells his wife Naomi all about his conversation with Lionel. After hearing Arnold’s story, Naomi asks, "Did he tell you his wife`s name?" "I`m not sure," replies Arnold, "but I think it`s Veranda."

Scientist revealed that beer contains small traces of female hormones. To prove their theory, they fed 100 men 12 pints of beer and observed that 100 percent of them gained weight, talked incessantly without making sense, and couldn`t drive. "No further testing is planned.

Yo momma is so greasy that I buttered my popcorn with her leg hairs.