Q: What's worse than finding a worm in the apple you're eating? A: Finding half a worm.

How do I know that my youth is all spent? Well, my get up and go has got up and went. But in spite of it all I am able to grin when I recall where my get up has been. Old age is golden-so I`ve heard it said- but sometimes I wonder when I get into bed, with my ears in a drawer and my teeth in a cup, my eyes on the table until I wake up. Ere sleep dims my eyes I say to myself, "Is there anything else I should lay on the shelf?" And I`m happy to say as I close my door, my friends are the same, perhaps even more. When I was young, my slippers were red, I could pick up my heels right over my head. When I grew older, my slippers were blue, but still I could dance the whole night through. But now I am old, my slippers are black, I walk to the store and puff my way back. The reason I know my youth is all spent, my get up and go has got up and went. But I really don`t mind when I think, with a grin, of all the grand places my get up has been. Since I have retired from life`s competition, I accommodate myself with complete repetition. I get up each morning, and dust off my wits, pick up my paper and read the "obits". If my name is missing, I know I`m not dead, so I eat a good breakfast and go back to bed.

A very elderly couple is having an elegant dinner to celebrate their 75th wedding anniversary. The old man leans forward and says softly to his wife "Dear, there is something that I must ask you. It has always bothered me that our tenth child never quite looked like the rest of our children. Now I want to assure you that these 75 years have been the most wonderful experience I could have ever hoped for, and your answer cannot take all that away. But,.. I must know, did he have a different father?" ...The wife drops her head, unable to look her husband in the eye, she paused for moment and then confessed. "Yes. Yes he did." ...The old man is very shaken, the reality of what his wife was admitting hit him harder than he had expected. With a tear in his eye he asks "Who?.. Who was he? Who was the father?" ...Again the old woman drops her head, saying nothing at first as she tried to muster the courage to tell the truth to her husband. Then, finally, she says "You".

Seder Pickup Lines Let`s make this night really different from all others nights. What will you do to me for two zuzim? What`s a girl like you doing at a seder like this? I like my matzo thin, like my women. Maybe when Elijah comes, we can make it a threesome. I hear that horseradish is an aphrodisiac. After four cups of wine, you look like Cindy Crawford. Darling, on this night we are supposed to recline, so let`s get to it. I bet I could make you sing Dayenu! Did that just say we were in bondage? I could never Pass you Over. We were strangers (with emphasis on "were") You`re a 10 in my hagadah. I`m going to have to search you for chometz. How`s about we go re-live the "Darkness" plague up in my room. I`m like one of the four sons; let me show you how wicked I can be.

Q: Why was the strawberry so sad? A: His parent`s were in a jam.

An Irishman moves into a tiny hamlet in County Kerry, walks into the pub and promptly orders three beers. The bartender raises his eyebrows, but serves the man three beers, which he drinks quietly at a table, alone. An hour later, the man has finished the three beers and orders three more. This happens yet again. The next evening the man again orders and drinks three beers at a time, several times. Soon the entire town is whispering about the Man Who Orders Three Beers. Finally, a week later, the bartender broaches the subject on behalf of the town. "I don`t mean to pry, but folks around here are wondering why you always order three beers?" `Tis odd, isn`t it?" the man replies, "You see, I have two brothers, and one went to America, and the other to Australia. We promised each other that we would always order an extra two beers whenever we drank as a way of keeping up the family bond." The bartender and the whole town was pleased with this answer, and soon the Man Who Orders Three Beers became a local celebrity and source of pride to the hamlet, even to the extent that out-of-towners would come to watch him drink. Then, one day, the man comes in and orders only two beers. The bartender pours them with a heavy heart. This continues for the rest of the evening - he orders only two beers. The word flies around town. Prayers are offered for the soul of one of the brothers. The next day, the bartender says to the man, "Folks around here, me first of all, want to offer condolences to you for the death of your brother. You know-the two beers and all..." The man ponders this for a moment, then replies, "You`ll be happy to hear that my two brothers are alive and well... It`s just that I, myself, have decided to give up drinking for Lent."

Salad HumorWaiter, waiter! There`s a maggot in my salad.Don`t worry, he won`t live long in that stuff.Waiter, waiter! There`s a spider in my salad.Yes sir, the chef`s using Webb lettuces today.Waiter, waiter! There`s a fly in my soup!""Don`t worry sir, the spider in your salad will eat it"Why did the tomato blush?Because it saw the salad dressing.How do you repair a broken tomato?Tomato Paste! Why did the boy close the refrigerator door?He didn`t want to see the salad dressing!A faucet, lettuce and a tomato were in a race...what happened?The faucet was running, the lettuce was ahead, and the tomato was trying to ketchup!What kind of lettuce did they serve on The Titanic?Iceberg!Q: What do you call a spider who makes salad?A: A salad spinner.Q: What is the most romantic fruit salad?A: A date with a peach.Waiter, what is bug doing in my salad?Trying to find it`s way out sir!Waiter, what is this creepy-crawly doing in my salad?Not him again, he`s in here every night!Waiter, waiter! There`s a caterpillar on my salad.Don`t worry sir, there is no extra charge.

A customer was bothering the waiter in a restaurant. First, he asked that the air conditioning be turned up because he was too hot, then he asked it be turned down cause he was too cold, and so on for about half an hour. Surprisingly, the waiter was very patient, he walked back and forth and never once got angry. So finally, a second customer asked him why he didn't throw out the pest. "Oh, I really don't care or mind," said the waiter with a smile. "We don't even have an air conditioner."

1. Sit in a straight, comfortable chair in a well lighted place with plenty of freshly sharpened pencils. 2. Read over the assignment carefully, to make certain you understand it. 3. Walk down to the vending machines and buy some coffee to help you concentrate. 4. Stop off at the third floor, on the way back and visit with your friend from class. If your friend hasn't started the paper yet either, you can both walk to McDonalds and buy a hamburger to help you concentrate. If your friend shows you his paper, typed, double-spaced,and bound in one of those irritating see-thru plastic folders,drop him. 5. When you get back to your room, sit in a straight, comfortable chair in a clean, well lighted place with plenty of freshly sharpened pencils. 6. Read over the assignment again to make absolutely certain you understand it. 7. You know, you haven't written to that kid you met at camp since fourth grade. You'd better write that letter now and get it out of the way so you can concentrate. 8. Go look at your teeth in the bathroom mirror. 9. Listen to one of your favorite CDs and that's it, I mean it, as soon as it's over you are going to start that paper. 10. Rearrange all of your CDs into alphabetical order. 11. Phone your friend on the third floor and ask if he's started writing yet. Exchange derogatory remarks about your teacher, the course, the university, and the world at large. 12. Sit in a straight, comfortable chair in a clean, well lighted place with plenty of freshly sharpened pencils. 13. Read over the assignment again; roll the words across your tongue; savor its special flavor. 14. Check the newspaper listings to make sure you aren't missing something truly worthwhile on TV. NOTE: When you have a paper due in less than 12 hours, anything on TV from Masterpiece Theater to Sgt. Preston of the Yukon is truly worthwhile, with these exceptions: a) Pro Bowler's Tour b) any movie starring Don Ameche. 15. Catch the last hour of Soul Brother of Kung Fu on channel 26. 16. Phone your friend on the third floor to see if he was watching. Discuss the finer points of the plot. 17. Go look at your tongue in the bathroom mirror. 18. Look through your roommate's book of pictures from home. Ask who everyone is. 19. Sit down and do some serious thinking about your plans for the future. 20. Open your door and check to see if there are any mysterious trench-coated strangers lurking in the hall. 21. Sit in a straight, comfortable chair in a clean, well lighted place with plenty of freshly sharpened pencils. 22. Read over the assignment one more time, just for the fun of it. 23. Scoot your chair across the room to the window and watch the sunrise. 24. Lie face down on the floor and moan.

Chuck Norris starts everyday with a protein shake made from Carnation Instant Breakfast, one dozen eggs, pure Colombian cocaine, and rattlesnake venom. He injects it directly into his neck with a syringe.

A middle-aged Jewish guy is out to dinner with his wife to celebrate her fortieth birthday. He says, "So what would you like, Julie? A Jaguar? A sable coat? A diamond necklace?" She says, "Bernie, I want a divorce." He says, "I wasn't planning on spending that much."

Someone gave Chuck Norris a chocolate cookie once, he roundhouse kicked it, destroying the Nestle Tollhouse factory.

While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly shut-ins, I used to take my four-year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds. She was unfailingly intrigued by the various appliances of old age, particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs. One day I found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered, "The tooth fairy will never believe this!"

Mrs. Caroline Squires of Cincinnati filed for a divorce from her husband in 1949 on grounds of desertion. She testified he'd stepped out "for a beer" on the Fourth of July, 1917, and had never come back.

A bear walks into a bar in Baraboo, Wisconsin and sits down. He bangs on the bar with his paw and demands a beer. The bartender approaches and says," We don't serve beer to bears in bars in Baraboo." The bear, becoming angry, demands again that he be served a beer. The bartender again tells him," We don't serve beer to bears in bars in Baraboo." The bear, very angry now, says, "If you don't serve me a beer, I'm going to eat that lady sitting at the end of the bar." The bartender once again says "Sorry, we don't serve beer to bears in bars in Baraboo." The bear goes to the end of the bar, and as promised, and eats the woman. He comes back to his seat and again demands a beer. The bartender says "Sorry, we don't serve beer to bears in bars in Baraboo that are on drugs." The bear says, " I'm not on drugs." The bartender says," Yes you are, that was abarbitchyouate."

Sid and Al were sitting in a Chinese restaurant. "Sid," asked Al, "are there any Jews in China?" "I don't know," Sid replied. "Why don't we ask the waiter?" When the waiter came by, Al asked him, "Are there any Chinese Jews?" "I don't know sir, let me ask," the waiter replied, and he went into the kitchen. He returned in a few minutes and said, "No, sir. No, Chinese Jews." "Are you sure?" Al asked. "I will check again, sir," the waiter replied and went back to the kitchen. While he was still gone, Sid said, "I cannot believe there are no Jews in China. Our people are scattered everywhere." When the waiter returned he said, "Sir, no Chinese Jews." "Are you really sure?" Al asked again. "I cannot believe there are no Chinese Jews." "Sir, I ask everyone," the waiter replied exasperated. "We have Orange Jews, Prune Jews, Tomato Jews and Grape Jews, but we have no Chinese Jews."

Nellie, shopping at her local supermarket, selects a quart of milk, a dozen eggs, a pound of bacon and a quart of orange juice. A drunk standing behind her, watches as she places the items in front of the cashier. He says to her..."you must be single." The woman, startled but intrigued by the derelict's intuition, looked at her four items on the belt. Seeing nothing particularly unusual about her items, she says..."well, you're correct, but how on earth did you know that?" The drunk staggers as he puts his beer in front of the same cashier and says..."cause you're ugly!"

Only 30% of us can flare our nostrils. 21% of us don't make our bed daily. 5% of us never do. Men do 29% of laundry each week. Only 7% of women trust their husbands to do it correctly. 40% of women have hurled footwear at a man. 67.5% of men wear tightie whities . 3 out of 4 of us store our dollar bills in rigid order with singles leading up to higher denominations. 13% of us admit to occasionally doing our offspring's homework. 91% of us lie regularly. 27% admit to cheating on a test or quiz. 29% admit they've intentionally stolen something from a store. 50% admit they regularly sneak food into movie theaters to avoid the high prices of snack foods. 90% believe in divine retribution. 10% believe in the 10 Commandments. 82% believe in an afterlife. 45% believe in ghosts. 13% have spent a night in jail. 29% of us are virgins when we marry. 58.4% have called into work sick when we weren't. 10% of us switch tags in the store to pay less for an item. Over 50% believe in spanking, but only a child over 2 years old. 35% give to charity at least once a month. How far would you go for $10 million? 25% would abandon their friends, family, and church. 7% would murder. 69% eat the cake before the frosting. When nobody else is around, 47% drink straight from the carton. 85% of us will eat Spam this year. 70% of us drink orange juice daily. Snickers is the most popular candy. 22% of us skip lunch daily. 9% of us skip breakfast daily. 66% of us eat cereal regularly. 22% of all restaurant meals include french fries. 14% of us eat the watermelon seeds. Only 13% brush our teeth from side to side. 45% use mouthwash every day. 22% leave the glob of toothpaste in the sink. The typical shower is 101 degrees F. Nearly 1/3 of U.S. women color their hair. 9% of women and 8% of men have had cosmetic surgery. 53% of women will not leave the house without makeup on. 58% of women paint their nails regularly. 62% of us pop our zits. 33% of women lie about their weight. 10% of us claim to have seen a ghost. 57% have had deja vu. 49% believe in ESP. 44% have broken a bone. Only 30% of us know our cholesterol level. 14% have attended a self-help meeting. 15% regularly go to a shrink. 78% would rather die quickly than live in a retirement home. 46.5% of men say they ALWAYS put the seat down after they've used the toilet, yet women claim to ALWAYS find it up. 30% of us refuse to sit on a public toilet seat. 54.2% of us always wash our hands after using the toilet. 23.5% admit they don't always flush. 55.2% will let someone else come in the bathroom while they're using the toilet. 39% of us peek in our host's bathroom cabinet. 17% have been caught by the host. 81.3% would tell an acquaintance to zip his pants. 29% of us ignore RSVP. 71.6% of us eavesdrop. 22% are functionally illiterate. The average bra size today is 36C whereas 10 years ago it was a 34B. 85% of women wear the wrong bra size. Less than 10% are trilingual. 37% claim to know how to use all the features on their VCR. 53% prefer ATM machines over tellers. 56% of women do the bills in a marriage. 2 out of 3 of us wouldn't give up our spouse even for a night for a million bucks. 20% of us have played in a band at one time in our life. 40% of us have had music lessons. 44% reuse tinfoil. 57% save pretty gift paper to reuse. 66% of women and 59% of men have used a mix to cook and taken credit for doing it from scratch. 53% read their horoscopes regularly. 16% of us have forgotten our own wedding anniversary . 59% of us say we're average-looking. 90% of us depend on alarm clocks to wake us. 53% of us would take advice from Ann Landers. 51% of adults dress up for a Halloween festivity. On average, we send 38 Christmas cards every year. 20% of women consider their parents to be their best friends. 2 out of 5 have married their fir.

Cake=kids food Solid Brick=Chuck Norris food.

You know you are addicted to coffee if ... You chew on other people`s fingernails.