The following quotes were allegedly taken from actual medical records as dictated by physicians: - By the time he was admitted, his rapid heart had stopped and he was feeling better. - On the second day, the knee was better and on the third day it had completely disappeared. - The patient has been depressed ever since she began seeing me in 1983. - Patient was released to outpatient department without dressing. - Discharge status: Alive but without permission. - The patient refused an autopsy. - The patient expired on the floor uneventfully. - The patient's medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40 pound weight gain in the past three days. - She slipped on the ice and apparently her legs went in separate directions in early December. - The patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch. - She is numb from the toes down. - The skin was moist and dry. - When she fainted, her eyes rolled around the room.

HOW TO IMPRESS AN ITALIAN MAN: Show up naked, Bring Beer.

Follow my leader Little Emma is watching her mother preparing their Shabbat dinner – this week it’s Salt Beef. Emma watches her mother slice off both ends of the joint and place it in a saucepan ready for cooking. So Emma asks, "Why did you cut both ends off, Mum?" Her mother pauses for a few seconds, then replies, "That’s a good question, Emma. It’s what my mother always did when she made Salt Beef and I just do the same. But I’ve no idea why. Let’s phone bubbeh and ask her." So they phone bubbeh and ask why she always sliced the ends off the Salt Beef before cooking. Bubbeh replies, "You know, I`m not sure why – that was the way I always saw my mother make Salt Beef." Because they are now very curious, they visit Emma’s great grandmother in the nursing home and say to her, "You know when we make Salt Beef, why do we always slice off the ends before cooking it?" "I don`t know why you do it," says the great grandmother, "but I never had a saucepan that was large enough!"

Why did the dog mistake the dog catcher for a grape? He was colour-blind.

One day, during a lesson on proper grammar, the teacher asked for a show of hands for who could use the word "beautiful" in the same sentence twice. First, she called on little Suzie, who responded with, "My father bought my mother a beautiful dress and she looked beautiful in it." "Very good, Suzie," replied the teacher. She then called on little Michael. "My mommy planned a beautiful banquet and it turned out beautifully," he said. "Excellent, Michael!" Then, the teacher called on little Johnny. "Last night, at the dinner table, my sister told my father that she was pregnant, and he said, 'Beautiful, fuckin' beautiful!'"

Mom: Fred, there were two chocolate cakes in the larder yesterday, and now there's only one. Why? Fred: I don't know. It must have been so dark I didn't see the other one.

Back in 1980's New York Chuck Norris used to walk around carrying two massive ghetto-blasters and still be able to drink a beer.

A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a genie comes out. The genie says, "I'll give each of you just one wish." "Me first! Me first!" says the administration clerk. "I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world." The genie snapped his fingers and poof, the woman disappeared. "Me next! Me next!" says the sales rep. "I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life." The genie once again snapped his fingers and poof, the man disappeared. "OK, you're up," the genie says to the manager. The manager says, "I want those two back in the office after lunch."

A man walked into the bar at a hotel that was hosting a convention of personal hygiene product salesmen. He sat down at a table with some of his fellow salesmen. Immediately one of the other salesmen says to him: "Hey Bill! We were just talking about you. Your territory sucks! Nobody was ever able to make a living in it before you. But now, you son-of-a-gun, you win the all-expense-paid trip to Vegas three years in a row, selling almost twice as much as anyone else in the whole Southwest region! How in the hell do you do it?" Bill replied, "Its easy! I take a big engraved silver bowl and fill it up with fresh dogcrap. Next I garnish it carefully with parsley sprigs, celery stalks, scallions, olives and thin-sliced red bell pepper rings. I take this to the airport and set it on a table on an elegantly embroidered white tablecloth. I serve samples on cocktail wafers to all who pass by. As soon as someone takes a bite they usually say 'Jesus Christ! This stuff tastes like CRAP!' I reply 'Yes sir! That's what it is! Would you care to buy a toothbrush?"

The waiter Benjamin and Morris are sitting in a wonderful Kosher restaurant in Hendon. They are talking among themselves in Yiddish. A Chinese waiter comes up and in fluent and impeccable Yiddish asks them if everything is okay, can he get them anything, and so forth. Benjamin and Morris are dumbfounded. "My God, where did he learn such perfect Yiddish?" they both think. After they pay the bill they ask the manager, an old friend of theirs, also fluent in Yiddish, "Where did your waiter learn such fabulous Yiddish?" The owner looks around and leans over to them so no one will hear and says, "Shhhh. He thinks we`re teaching him English."

Paron Me A flat-chested woman was delighted when her fairy-god mother said her chest would increase in size each time a man says, "Pardon" to her. She walked down the sidewalk, accidentally bumped into a man and he said, "Pardon me." Her chest instantly grew an inch and she was ecstatic. The next day, she bumped into a man in the grocery store,he begged her pardon and another inch was added to her chest. She was in seventh heaven! She walked into a Chinese restaurant,colided with a waiter who bowed and said, "A thousand pardons for my clumsy behavior." The next day, the headline in the local newspaper says, "Chinese Waiter Crushed to Death!"

Only in America...can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance. Only in America...are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink. Only in America...do people order double cheese burgers, a large fry, and a diet coke. Only in America...do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters. Only in America...do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and leave useless things and junk in boxes in the garage. Only in America...do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place. Only in America...do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight. Only in America...do we use the word "politics" to describe the process so well: "Poli" in latin meaning "many" and "tics" meaning "blood-sucking creatures."

Yo momma is so fat that the sign inside one restaurant says, “Maximum occupancy: 300, or Yo momma.”.

The Passover test [My thanks to Jeff G for the following] Sean is waiting for a bus when another man joins him at the bus stop. After 20 minutes of waiting, Sean takes out a sandwich from his lunch box and starts to eat. But noticing the other man watching, Sean asks, "Would you like one? My wife has made me plenty." "Thank you very much, but I must decline your kind offer," says the other man, "I’m Rabbi Levy." "Nice to meet you, Rabbi," says Sean, "but my sandwiches are alright for you to eat. They only contain cheese. There’s no meat in them." "It’s very kind of you," says Rabbi Levy, "but today we Jews are celebrating Passover. It would be a great sin to eat a sandwich because during the 8 days of Passover, we cannot eat bread. In fact it would be a sin comparable to the sin of adultery." "OK," says Sean, "but it’s difficult for me to understand the significance of what you’ve just said." Many weeks later, Sean and Rabbi Levy meet again. Sean says, "Do you remember, Rabbi, that when we last met, I offered you a sandwich which you refused because you said eating bread on Passover would be as great a sin as that of adultery?" Rabbi Levy replies, "Yes, I remember saying that." "Well, Rabbi," says Sean, "that day, I went over to my mistress’s apartment and told her what you said. We then tried out both the sins, but I must admit, we just couldn’t see the comparison."

Why do blondes have see-through lunch box tops? So they can tell if they are going to work or going home, while on the bus.

The visitor Moishe and Sadie, hoping to get rid of their Rabbi, decided to trap him by exposing his hypocrisy when his wife went to Israel to visit her family. The Rabbi was working at home, as he usually did on Wednesday mornings, preparing his Shabbat sermon, when the doorbell rang. When he opened the door, there was Sadie standing outside. She opened her coat, revealing that she was nude, except for a small frilly white apron. "Do you want to play games?" Sadie asked, "I`ll be Caron, the French maid." "Wonderful, wonderful," the Rabbi said, "come right in and take off your coat." He looked Sadie over and said, "OK, let`s play. You`re the maid and I`m the housewife. I`m going out to have lunch with a couple of my friends, and while I’m gone, you`re going to start in the kitchen. Be careful with the crockery and don`t mix up the silverware. OK?"

A beautiful blonde woman is having trouble growing tomatoes... seems she can't get them to turn red. She knows it is not the weather or the soil as the man next door has a garden full of big red tomatoes. She asks him about his secret..."twice a day" he says "I stand naked in front of the tomatoes, they blush and turn bright red." This sounds foolish, but what the heck, so she spends the next few days standing nude in her garden. A week goes by and she runs into her neighbor and he asks... "have your tomatoes turned red?" "Not really" she says..."but the strangest thing has happened... the cucumbers have swollen up and are standing on end."

Blessed are those who hunger and thirst, for they are sticking to their diet. Life is an endless struggle full of frustrations and challenges, but eventually you find a hair stylist you like. Perhaps you know why women over sixty don't have babies. They would put them down somewhere and forget where they left them. One of life's mysteries is how a two pound box of candy can make a woman gain five pounds. I finally got my head together and my body fell apart. The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing in the right place, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment. Time may be a great healer but it's also a lousy beautician. Brain cells come and go but fat cells live forever. Life not only begins at forty, it begins to show. Just when I was getting used to yesterday, along came today. If at first you don't succeed, see if the loser gets anything. You don't stop laughing because you grow old; you grow old because you stop laughing. I had to give up jogging for my health. My thighs kept rubbing together and setting my pantyhose on fire. Amazing! You just hang something in your closet for a while and it shrinks two sizes. It is bad to suppress laughter; it goes back down and spreads to your hips. Age is important only if you're cheese and wine. The only time a woman wishes that she were a year older is when she is expecting a baby. Freedom of the press means no-iron clothes. Inside some of us is a thin person struggling to get out, but she can usually be sedated with a few pieces of chocolate cake.

A newly appointed young preacher was contacted by the local funeral director to hold a graveside service at a small country cemetery. There was to be no funeral, just the committal, because the deceased had no family or friends left. The young pastor started early to the cemetery, but soon lost his way. After making several wrong turns, he finally arrived a half-hour late. The hearse was no where in sight, and the workman were relaxing under a nearby tree, eating their lunch. The pastor went to the open grave and found that the vault lid was already in place. He took out his book and read the service. As he returned to his car, he overheard one of the workman say, "Maybe we'd better tell him that's a septic tank."

How many cafeteria staff does it take to change a light bulb? "Sorry, we closed 18 seconds ago, and I've just cashed up."