Why do blondes have see-through lunch box tops? So they can tell if they are going to work or going home, while on the bus.

The visitor Moishe and Sadie, hoping to get rid of their Rabbi, decided to trap him by exposing his hypocrisy when his wife went to Israel to visit her family. The Rabbi was working at home, as he usually did on Wednesday mornings, preparing his Shabbat sermon, when the doorbell rang. When he opened the door, there was Sadie standing outside. She opened her coat, revealing that she was nude, except for a small frilly white apron. "Do you want to play games?" Sadie asked, "I`ll be Caron, the French maid." "Wonderful, wonderful," the Rabbi said, "come right in and take off your coat." He looked Sadie over and said, "OK, let`s play. You`re the maid and I`m the housewife. I`m going out to have lunch with a couple of my friends, and while I’m gone, you`re going to start in the kitchen. Be careful with the crockery and don`t mix up the silverware. OK?"

A beautiful blonde woman is having trouble growing tomatoes... seems she can't get them to turn red. She knows it is not the weather or the soil as the man next door has a garden full of big red tomatoes. She asks him about his secret..."twice a day" he says "I stand naked in front of the tomatoes, they blush and turn bright red." This sounds foolish, but what the heck, so she spends the next few days standing nude in her garden. A week goes by and she runs into her neighbor and he asks... "have your tomatoes turned red?" "Not really" she says..."but the strangest thing has happened... the cucumbers have swollen up and are standing on end."

Blessed are those who hunger and thirst, for they are sticking to their diet. Life is an endless struggle full of frustrations and challenges, but eventually you find a hair stylist you like. Perhaps you know why women over sixty don't have babies. They would put them down somewhere and forget where they left them. One of life's mysteries is how a two pound box of candy can make a woman gain five pounds. I finally got my head together and my body fell apart. The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing in the right place, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment. Time may be a great healer but it's also a lousy beautician. Brain cells come and go but fat cells live forever. Life not only begins at forty, it begins to show. Just when I was getting used to yesterday, along came today. If at first you don't succeed, see if the loser gets anything. You don't stop laughing because you grow old; you grow old because you stop laughing. I had to give up jogging for my health. My thighs kept rubbing together and setting my pantyhose on fire. Amazing! You just hang something in your closet for a while and it shrinks two sizes. It is bad to suppress laughter; it goes back down and spreads to your hips. Age is important only if you're cheese and wine. The only time a woman wishes that she were a year older is when she is expecting a baby. Freedom of the press means no-iron clothes. Inside some of us is a thin person struggling to get out, but she can usually be sedated with a few pieces of chocolate cake.

A newly appointed young preacher was contacted by the local funeral director to hold a graveside service at a small country cemetery. There was to be no funeral, just the committal, because the deceased had no family or friends left. The young pastor started early to the cemetery, but soon lost his way. After making several wrong turns, he finally arrived a half-hour late. The hearse was no where in sight, and the workman were relaxing under a nearby tree, eating their lunch. The pastor went to the open grave and found that the vault lid was already in place. He took out his book and read the service. As he returned to his car, he overheard one of the workman say, "Maybe we'd better tell him that's a septic tank."

How many cafeteria staff does it take to change a light bulb? "Sorry, we closed 18 seconds ago, and I've just cashed up."

Answer these questions, then view the results at the end to see if you are a Real Man. 1. Alien beings from a highly advanced society visit the earth. You are the first human they have encountered and as a token of inter-galactic friendship they present you with a small but incredibly sophisticated device that is capable of curing all diseases, provide an infinite supply of clean energy, wipe out hunger, and permanently eliminate oppression and violence. What would you do with it? A: Present it to the Prime Minister B. Present it to the Secretary General of the United Nations. C. Take it apart. 2. As you grow older what lost quality of youth do you miss most? A: innocence B. Idealism C. Fire crackers 3. In your opinion what is the ideal pet? A: A cat B. A dog C. A dog that eats cats 4. One week day your wife wakes up feeling ill and asks you to get your three children ready for school. Which would be your first question? A: Do they need to eat or anything? B. They're in school already? C. There are three of them? 5. What is the human race's single greatest achievement? A: Democracy B. Religion C. Remote control 6. You have been seeing a woman for several years. She is attractive and intelligent and you always enjoy being with her. One leisurely Sunday afternoon the two of you are taking it easy. You're watching a soccer game and she's reading the paper when suddenly, out of the blue she tells you that she thinks she really loves you, but can no longer bear the uncertainty of not knowing where our relationship is going. She says she's not asking whether you want to get married; only whether you believe that you have some kind of future together. What do you say? A: That you seriously believe the two of you have a future, but you don't want to rush it. B. That although you also have strong feelings for her , but you cannot honestly say that any time soon you'll be ready to make a lasting commitment, and you don't want to hurt her by holding out false hopes. C. That you cannot believe the Wallabies lost to South Africa two weeks ago. 7. Okay. So you have decided you really love a woman and you want to share with her all the all the joys and sorrows the world has to offer, come what may. How do you tell her? A: You take her to a nice restaurant and tell her after dinner. B. You take her for a walk on a moonlit beach. You say her name and when she turns to you with the sea breezes blowing her hair and stars in her eyes, you tell her. C. Tell her what? 8. When would you hug another male? A: If he's your Father and one of you has a fatal disease. B. If you're performing the Heimlich procedure. C. If you're a professional Football player and a teammate scores the goal to win the world cup, provided that you also pound him fraternally with your fist hard enough to cause fractures. Scoring: If you answered "C" to each and every question, then you are a Real Man.

What did the snake say when he was offered a piece of cheese for dinner? Thank you, I'll just have a slither.

Why did the banana go out with the prune? Because it couldn't get a date.

All’s fair in love and war Kitty and Freda are having lunch together at Brent Cross shopping centre. They know how big the portions are so they order only one dish of ‘fried fish pieces’ which they intend to share. They also ask for an extra plate. When the order arrives, the plate contains one big piece of fish and one little piece of fish. Kitty and Freda politely look at each other. Kitty says, "Please, you choose first." "No," replies Freda, "you can choose first." Kitty says, "OK, I`ll take first," and puts the big piece of fish on the empty plate. Freda is surprised. "Why did you take the big piece? That`s not very polite." "So which piece would you have taken, then?" asks Kitty. "I would have taken the small piece," replies Freda. "So what’s the problem, Freda," says Kitty, "that`s what you’ve got."

Iraqi vs. American Average Iraqi Has visited the convergence of the Tigris and Euphrates, cradle of the ancient civilization founded by his ancestors Average American Once got really sick on the Wild Mouse ride at Six Flags theme park Average Iraqi Willing to participate in Holy War for his nation Average American Willing to participate in People's Choice Awards Average Iraqi Lines up by the thousands to die for country Average American Will go to any extreme to avoid jury duty Average Iraqi Has endured many food shortages during wars with Iran and embargo by West Average American Shoves McDonalds cashier if their Happy Meal doesn't include McCookies Average Iraqi Believes if he dies in battle, he will go straight to Paradise Average American Believes if, in a dream, you don't wake up before hitting the ground, you die Average Iraqi Has friend or relative wounded in ruthless wars of conquest Average American Has beer guzzling uncle who shot self in foot on hunting trip Average Iraqi Thinks Saddam Hussein is a political genius Average American Thinks Saddam Hussein makes Dan Quayle seem like Einstein.

Why do waiters like Gorillas better than flies? Did you ever hear a customer complain 'Waiter, there's a Gorilla in my soup!'.

Four surgeons were taking a coffee break and were discussing their work. The first said, "I think accountants are the easiest to operate on. You open them up and everything inside is numbered." The second said, "I think librarians are the easiest to operate on. You open them up and everything inside is in alphabetical order." The third said, "I like to operate on electricians. You open them up and everything inside is color-coded." The fourth one said, "I like to operate on lawyers. They're heartless spineless, gutless, and their heads and their ass are interchangeable."

What does a Chinese restaurant serve for Easter? Coloured eggrolls!

Why didn't the teddy bear finish its dinner? It was stuffed.

A man kills a deer and takes it home to cook for dinner. Both he and his wife decide that they won't tell the kids what kind of meat it is, but will give them a clue and let them guess. The dad said, "Well it's what Mommy calls me sometimes." The little girl screamed to her brother, "Don't eat it. Its an asshole!

What a coincidence! Maurice and Isaac found themselves sitting next to each other in a New York bar. After a while, Maurice looks at Isaac and says, "I can`t help but think, from listening to you, that you`re from Israel." Isaac responds proudly, "I am!" Maurice says, "So am I! And where might you be from?" Isaac answers, "I`m from Jerusalem." Maurice responds, "So am I! And where did you live?" Isaac says, "A lovely little area two miles east of King David`s Hotel. Not too far from the old city" Maurice says, "Unbelievable! What school did you attend?" Isaac answers, "Well, I attended Yeshiva University." Maurice gets really excited, and says, "And so did I. Tell me, what year did you graduate?" Isaac answers, "I graduated in 1984." Maurice exclaims, "Amazing! This is Berschert. Hashem wanted us to meet! I can hardly believe our good luck at winding up in the same bar tonight. Can you believe it, I graduated from Yeshiva University in 1984 also." About this time, Moishe enters the bar, sits down, and orders a beer. The bartender walks over to him shaking his head & mutters, "It`s going to be a long night tonight, the Goldberg twins are drunk again."

Teacher: If you saw me standing by a witch, what fruit would it remind you of? Pupil: A pear.

A January 1994 Reuters News Service story on Manuel Oliveira`s ice cream shop in Merida, Venezuela, reported on his 567 flavors, including onion, chili, beer, eggplant, smoked trout, spaghetti parmesan, chicken with rice, and spinach. He said some flavors fail; he once abandoned avocado ice cream, and tossed out 99 pounds of it, because it wasn`t smooth enough.

Q: Where do tired linedancers go for Breakfast? A: Ihop.