What happens when Chuck Norris orders a beer and gets a beer? he roundhouses the waitress, Chuck Norris should not have to ask.

I don't need a reason to enjoy a little wine. I just need a glass.

There once was a blind man who decided to visit Texas. When he arrived on the plane, he felt the seats and said, "Wow, these seats are big!" The person next to him answered, "Everything is big in Texas." When he finally arrived in Texas, he decided to visit a bar. Upon arriving in the bar, he ordered a beer and got a mug placed between his hands. He exclaimed, "Wow these mugs are big!" The bartender replied, "Everything is big in Texas." After a couple of beers, the blind man asked the bartender where the bathroom was located. The bartender replied, "Second door to the right." The blind man headed for the bathroom, but accidentally tripped over and skipped the second door. Instead, he entered the third door, which lead to the swimming pool and fell into the pool by accident. Scared to death, the blind man started shouting, "Don't flush, don't flush!"

The Secret Service got a real scare the other day when someone threw a beer at Bill Clinton during his morning jog. Fortunately it was a draft, so he was able to dodge it.

Johnny's teacher told the class to say a sentence using the word beautiful twice. A girl sitting next to Johnny said, "My mother put on a beautiful dress and she looked beautiful in it." The teacher said "Very good." Johnny raised his hand and said, "Last night at the dinner table, my sister told my father she was pregnant and he said, 'Beautiful, fucking beautiful!'"

The inmate on death row was scheduled to be put to death by firing squad the follow morning. Throughout the day, the prison guards were being very nice to him. But when they asked him if he wanted something specific for his last meal, he didn't want anything special. When they asked if there was something special he wanted to do, he said nothing. It went on like this all day. Finally when he was put before the firing squad, the guard asked if he wanted a cigarette and a blindfold. "No," the inmate said, "just get it over with." "Well, is there anything that I can do for you before you go?" said the guard. "You didn't even want a special last meal!" The inmate thought. "Actually," he said, "Music is my life. One thing I would really like would be to sing my favorite song, one whole time through, with no interruptions." The guard nodded and told him to go ahead. The inmate started, "One billion bottles of beer on the wall..."

The following quotes were allegedly taken from actual medical records as dictated by physicians: - By the time he was admitted, his rapid heart had stopped and he was feeling better. - On the second day, the knee was better and on the third day it had completely disappeared. - The patient has been depressed ever since she began seeing me in 1983. - Patient was released to outpatient department without dressing. - Discharge status: Alive but without permission. - The patient refused an autopsy. - The patient expired on the floor uneventfully. - The patient's medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40 pound weight gain in the past three days. - She slipped on the ice and apparently her legs went in separate directions in early December. - The patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch. - She is numb from the toes down. - The skin was moist and dry. - When she fainted, her eyes rolled around the room.

HOW TO IMPRESS AN ITALIAN MAN: Show up naked, Bring Beer.

Follow my leader Little Emma is watching her mother preparing their Shabbat dinner – this week it’s Salt Beef. Emma watches her mother slice off both ends of the joint and place it in a saucepan ready for cooking. So Emma asks, "Why did you cut both ends off, Mum?" Her mother pauses for a few seconds, then replies, "That’s a good question, Emma. It’s what my mother always did when she made Salt Beef and I just do the same. But I’ve no idea why. Let’s phone bubbeh and ask her." So they phone bubbeh and ask why she always sliced the ends off the Salt Beef before cooking. Bubbeh replies, "You know, I`m not sure why – that was the way I always saw my mother make Salt Beef." Because they are now very curious, they visit Emma’s great grandmother in the nursing home and say to her, "You know when we make Salt Beef, why do we always slice off the ends before cooking it?" "I don`t know why you do it," says the great grandmother, "but I never had a saucepan that was large enough!"

Why did the dog mistake the dog catcher for a grape? He was colour-blind.

One day, during a lesson on proper grammar, the teacher asked for a show of hands for who could use the word "beautiful" in the same sentence twice. First, she called on little Suzie, who responded with, "My father bought my mother a beautiful dress and she looked beautiful in it." "Very good, Suzie," replied the teacher. She then called on little Michael. "My mommy planned a beautiful banquet and it turned out beautifully," he said. "Excellent, Michael!" Then, the teacher called on little Johnny. "Last night, at the dinner table, my sister told my father that she was pregnant, and he said, 'Beautiful, fuckin' beautiful!'"

Mom: Fred, there were two chocolate cakes in the larder yesterday, and now there's only one. Why? Fred: I don't know. It must have been so dark I didn't see the other one.

Back in 1980's New York Chuck Norris used to walk around carrying two massive ghetto-blasters and still be able to drink a beer.

A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a genie comes out. The genie says, "I'll give each of you just one wish." "Me first! Me first!" says the administration clerk. "I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world." The genie snapped his fingers and poof, the woman disappeared. "Me next! Me next!" says the sales rep. "I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life." The genie once again snapped his fingers and poof, the man disappeared. "OK, you're up," the genie says to the manager. The manager says, "I want those two back in the office after lunch."

A man walked into the bar at a hotel that was hosting a convention of personal hygiene product salesmen. He sat down at a table with some of his fellow salesmen. Immediately one of the other salesmen says to him: "Hey Bill! We were just talking about you. Your territory sucks! Nobody was ever able to make a living in it before you. But now, you son-of-a-gun, you win the all-expense-paid trip to Vegas three years in a row, selling almost twice as much as anyone else in the whole Southwest region! How in the hell do you do it?" Bill replied, "Its easy! I take a big engraved silver bowl and fill it up with fresh dogcrap. Next I garnish it carefully with parsley sprigs, celery stalks, scallions, olives and thin-sliced red bell pepper rings. I take this to the airport and set it on a table on an elegantly embroidered white tablecloth. I serve samples on cocktail wafers to all who pass by. As soon as someone takes a bite they usually say 'Jesus Christ! This stuff tastes like CRAP!' I reply 'Yes sir! That's what it is! Would you care to buy a toothbrush?"

The waiter Benjamin and Morris are sitting in a wonderful Kosher restaurant in Hendon. They are talking among themselves in Yiddish. A Chinese waiter comes up and in fluent and impeccable Yiddish asks them if everything is okay, can he get them anything, and so forth. Benjamin and Morris are dumbfounded. "My God, where did he learn such perfect Yiddish?" they both think. After they pay the bill they ask the manager, an old friend of theirs, also fluent in Yiddish, "Where did your waiter learn such fabulous Yiddish?" The owner looks around and leans over to them so no one will hear and says, "Shhhh. He thinks we`re teaching him English."

Paron Me A flat-chested woman was delighted when her fairy-god mother said her chest would increase in size each time a man says, "Pardon" to her. She walked down the sidewalk, accidentally bumped into a man and he said, "Pardon me." Her chest instantly grew an inch and she was ecstatic. The next day, she bumped into a man in the grocery store,he begged her pardon and another inch was added to her chest. She was in seventh heaven! She walked into a Chinese restaurant,colided with a waiter who bowed and said, "A thousand pardons for my clumsy behavior." The next day, the headline in the local newspaper says, "Chinese Waiter Crushed to Death!"

Only in America...can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance. Only in America...are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink. Only in America...do people order double cheese burgers, a large fry, and a diet coke. Only in America...do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters. Only in America...do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and leave useless things and junk in boxes in the garage. Only in America...do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place. Only in America...do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight. Only in America...do we use the word "politics" to describe the process so well: "Poli" in latin meaning "many" and "tics" meaning "blood-sucking creatures."

Yo momma is so fat that the sign inside one restaurant says, “Maximum occupancy: 300, or Yo momma.”.

The Passover test [My thanks to Jeff G for the following] Sean is waiting for a bus when another man joins him at the bus stop. After 20 minutes of waiting, Sean takes out a sandwich from his lunch box and starts to eat. But noticing the other man watching, Sean asks, "Would you like one? My wife has made me plenty." "Thank you very much, but I must decline your kind offer," says the other man, "I’m Rabbi Levy." "Nice to meet you, Rabbi," says Sean, "but my sandwiches are alright for you to eat. They only contain cheese. There’s no meat in them." "It’s very kind of you," says Rabbi Levy, "but today we Jews are celebrating Passover. It would be a great sin to eat a sandwich because during the 8 days of Passover, we cannot eat bread. In fact it would be a sin comparable to the sin of adultery." "OK," says Sean, "but it’s difficult for me to understand the significance of what you’ve just said." Many weeks later, Sean and Rabbi Levy meet again. Sean says, "Do you remember, Rabbi, that when we last met, I offered you a sandwich which you refused because you said eating bread on Passover would be as great a sin as that of adultery?" Rabbi Levy replies, "Yes, I remember saying that." "Well, Rabbi," says Sean, "that day, I went over to my mistress’s apartment and told her what you said. We then tried out both the sins, but I must admit, we just couldn’t see the comparison."