We keep getting all these, "rules from the woman's side", emails so we figured it was time for a "rules from the man's side" email. These are our rules! Learn them, memorize them and use them! Please note these are all numbered "1" for a reason! 1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us bitching about you leaving it down. 1. Sometimes we are not thinking about you. Live with it. 1. Saturday = Sports 1. Crying is blackmail. 1. Ask for what you want. Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it! 1. We don't remember dates. Mark them on a calendar and remind us frequently. 1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question. 1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for. 1. Check your oil! Please. 1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days. 1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us. We refuse to answer that question anymore. 1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one. 1. Let us look. It doesn't hurt anyone, to look. And for us, its genetic. 1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials. 1. Christopher Columbus did not need directions, and neither do we. 1. ALL men see in only 16 colours. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a colour. We have no idea what mauve is. 1. We are not mind readers and we never will be. 1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will believe you. 1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine. 1. You have enough clothes. 1. You have too many shoes. 1. It is neither in your best interest or ours to take any quiz together. No, it doesn't matter which quiz. 1. BEER is as exciting for us as handbags are for you. Thank you for reading this; Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight, but did you know we really don't mind that, it's like camping.

What is a goal keepers favourite snack? Beans on post!

From the deepest, darkest jungles of deepest, darkest Africa comes the cry of the Sandwich bird "Eat me, Eat me".

Girl: Did you like that cake, Mrs Jones? Mrs Jones: Yes, very much. Girl: That's funny. My mom said you didn't have any taste.

Waiter, what's this fly doing in my soup? It's fly soup sir!

Q: What did one strawberry say to another strawberry? A: If you weren't so fresh, we wouldn't be in this jam!

Chuck Norris had three kegs of beer at a bar one night and proceeded to his car which started to drive him home. He was pulled over by a Policeman for a random breath test, the policeman then pulled the Breathalyzer out... out of sheer terror the device self-destructed and the policeman was never seen again.

A few seconds of thought - 1 Esther, 85 years old, is walking around the lounge in Becky’s Nursing Home in Hendon. As she walks past each male resident, she flips up the hem of her nightgown and says, "Supersex!" As she reaches wheelchair-bound Cyril, she flips up her gown at him and says, "Supersex!" Cyril sits silently for a few seconds and then says, "I`ll take the soup, please."

Two daughters had been given parts in a Christmas pageant at their Church. At dinner that night, they got into an argument as to who had the most important role. Finally the 14 year old said to her 8 year old younger sister, "Well, you just ask Mom. She'll tell you it's much harder to be a virgin than it is to be an angel."

Two cannibals in the jungle are standing over a fire with a large boiling pot, stirring the soup with wooden spoons. One cannibal says to the other, "I hate my mother in law, I really don't like her at all, she really makes me sick". The other cannibal says "So just eat the noodles".

Jenny's husband, Charley, was a male chauvinist. Even though they both worked full-time, he never helped around the house. Housework was woman's work! But one evening Jenny arrived home from work to find the children bathed one load of clothes in the washer and another in the dryer, dinner on the stove, and the table set. She was astonished--something's up. It turns out that Charley had read an article that said wives who worked full-time and had to do their own housework were too tired to be romantic. The night went well and the next day she told her office friends all about it. "We had a great dinner. Charley even cleaned up. He helped the kids do their homework, folded all the laundry and put everything away. I really enjoyed the evening." "But what about afterward?" asked her friends. "Oh, that was perfect too. Charley was too tired!"

Is lunch the favorite subject of piglets? No, it's theatre. They love to ham It up and hog all the attention.

Three tomatoes were walking down the street, a mother, father, and son. The son was far behind so the father turned and smacked down and said KETCHUP!

Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend, Mr. Common Sense. Mr. Sense had been with us for many years. No one knows for sure how old he was since his birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape. He will be remembered as having cultivated such valuable lessons as knowing when to come in out of the rain, why the early bird gets the worm, and that life isn't always fair. Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies and reliable parenting strategies . His health began to rapidly deteriorate when well-intentioned but overbearing regulations were set in place. Reports of a six-year-old boy charged with sexual harassment for kissing a classmate, teens suspended from school for using mouthwash after lunch, and a teacher fired for reprimanding an unruly student only worsened his condition. Mr. Sense declined even further when schools were required to get parental consent to administer aspirin to a student, but could not inform the parents when a student became pregnant and wanted to have an abortion. Finally, Common Sense lost the will to live as the Ten Commandments became contraband, churches became businesses, and criminals received better treatment than their victims. Common Sense finally gave up the ghost after a woman failed to realize that a steaming cup of coffee was hot, then she spilled a bit in her lap and was awarded a huge financial settlement. Common Sense was preceded in death by his parents, Truth and Trust; his wife, Discretion; his daughter, Responsibility; and his son, Reason. He is survived by two stepbrothers: My Rights and Ima Whiner. Not many attended his funeral because so few realized he was gone.

Eating on his own Issy’s wife is unwell and so Issy is sitting in a restaurant on his own for a change. He spends a good deal of time looking at the menu and even when the waiter returns to take his order, Issy is still poring over the menu. The waiter clears his throat and asks, "Ahem, excuse me for asking, sir, but is there a problem with the menu?" "No there isn’t," Issy replies. "It’s just that my wife Betty usually tells me what I am allowed to eat, and she’s not here." "That`s no problem," says the waiter, "the soup of the day is chicken soup with lokshen and to make it real tasty we add giblets and chicken fat. But…. I’m sure your wife would want you to have the tomato juice." The waiter then continues. "Today’s special is potted flanken nosh-up. This is made with especially fatty meat to which we add potatoes and carrots and leave the whole caboodle in the oven for almost eight hours. We then serve it with home made challah bread for dipping into the gravy. But….. I’m sure your wife would want you to have the boiled chicken wings and rice." On hearing this, Issy puts down the menu and says, "Nag nag, nag. That`s all Betty ever does. I`m tired of her telling me what to do. I`ll have the chicken soup and flanken nosh-up."

Yes, it's that magical time of the year again when the Darwin Awards are bestowed, honoring the least evolved among us. Here then, are the glorious winners. Darwin Award Winners: 1. When his 38-caliber revolver failed to fire at his intended victim during a hold-up in Long Beach, California, would-be robber James Elliot did something that can only inspire wonder. He peered down the barrel and tried the trigger again. This time it worked... And now, the honorable mentions: 2. The chef at a hotel in Switzerland lost a finger in a meat cutting machine and, after a little hopping around, submitted a claim to his insurance company. The company expecting negligence, sent out one of its men to have a look for himself. He tried the machine and lost a finger. The chef's claim was approved. 3. A man who shoveled snow for an hour to clear a space for his car during a blizzard in Chicago returned with his Vehicle to find a woman had taken the space. Understandably, he shot her. 4. After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, a Zimbabwean bus driver found that the 20 mental patients he was supposed to be transporting from Harare to Bulawayo had escaped. Not wanting to admit his incompetence, the driver went to a nearby bus stop and offered everyone waiting there a free ride. He then delivered the passengers to the mental hospital, telling the staff that the patients were very excitable and prone to bizarre fantasies. The deception wasn't discovered for 3 days. 5. An American teenager was in the hospital recovering from serious head wounds received from an oncoming train. When asked how he received the injuries, the lad told police that he was simply trying to see how close he could get his head to a moving train before he was hit. 6. A man walked into a Louisiana Circle-K, put a $20 bill on the counter, and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which the clerk promptly provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and fled, leaving the $20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he got from the drawer...$15. 7. Seems an Arkansas guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that he'd just throw a cinder block through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run. So he lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his head at the window. The cinder block bounced back and hit the would-be thief on the head, knocking him unconscious. The liquor store window was made of Plexiglas. The whole event was caught on videotape. 8. As a female shopper exited a New York convenience store, a man grabbed her purse and ran. The clerk called 911 immediately, and the woman was able to give them a detailed description of the snatcher. Within minutes, the police apprehended the snatcher. They put him in the car and drove back to the store. The thief was then taken out of the car and told to stand there for a positive ID. To which he replied, "Yes, officer, that's her. That's the lady I stole the purse from." 9. The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into a Burger King in Ypsilanti, Michigan, at 5 a.m., flashed a gun,demanded cash. The clerk turned him down because he said he couldn't open the cash register without a food order. When the man ordered onion rings, the clerk said they weren't available for breakfast . The man, frustrated, walked away. A 5-STAR STUPIDITY AWARD WINNER! 10. When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a motor home parked on a Seattle street, he got much more than he bargained for. Police arrived at the scene to find a very sick man curled up next to a motor home near spilled sewage. A police spokesman said that the man admitted to trying to steal gasoline and plugged his siphon hose into the motor home's sewage tank by mistake. The owner of the vehicle declined to press charges, saying that it was the best laugh he'd ever had. In the interest of bettering human kind please share these with your friends an.

A drunken blonde goes into a bar. The bartender asks her what she would like, and she replies, "Gimme a beer." The bartender then asks, "Anheuser-Busch?" To which she replies, "Fine thanks, and how's your cock?"

It was once known as "The Bad Humor" ice cream, ice cream truck and ice cream man. Then,Chuck Norris resigned.

What do most men consider a gourmet restaurant? Any place without a drive-up window.

Chuck Norris loves wine, women and song. Just as long as the wine is beer, the women Hustler models with lesbian tendancies and the song the Walker: Texas Ranger theme played constantly.