Question: What is a honeymooner's sandwich? Answer: Lettuce alone.

A woman went down to the Welfare Office to get aid. The office worker asked her, "How many children do you have?" "Ten," she replied. "What are their names?" he asked. "LeRoy, LeRoy, LeRoy, LeRoy, LeRoy, LeRoy, LeRoy, LeRoy, LeRoy, and LeRoy," she answered. "They're all named LeRoy?" he asked "What if you want them to come in from playing outside?" "Oh, that's easy," she said. "I just call 'LeRoy,' and they all come running in." "And, if you want them to come to the table for dinner?" "I just say, 'LeRoy, come eat your dinner'," she answered. "But what if you just want ONE of them to do something?" he asked. "Oh, that's easy," she said. "I just use their last name!"

What is the only time a man thinks about a candlelight dinner? When the power goes off.

Argument n. -- A discussion that occurs when you're right, but he just hasn't realized it yet. Airhead n. -- What a woman intentionally becomes when pulled over by a policeman. Bar-be-que n. -- You bought the groceries, washed the lettuce, chopped the tomatoes, diced the onions, marinated the meat, and cleaned everything up, but he "made the dinner". Cantaloupe n. -- Gotta get married in a church. Childbirth n. -- You get to go through 36 hours of contractions; he gets to hold your hand and say "focus...breathe...push..." Clothes dryer n. -- An appliance designed to eat socks. Diet Soda n. -- A drink you buy at a convenience store to go with a half pound bag of peanut M&M's. Eternity n. -- The last two minutes of a football game. Exercise v. -- To walk up and down a mall, occasionally resting to make a purchase. Grocery list n. -- What you spend half an hour writing, then forget to take with you to the store. Hair Dresser n. -- Someone who is able to create a style you will never be able to duplicate again. See "Magician". Hardware Store n. -- Similar to a black hole in space: if he goes in, he isn't coming out anytime soon. Lipstick n. -- On your lips, coloring to enhance the beauty of your mouth. On his collar, coloring only a tramp would wear...! Park v./n. -- Before children, a verb meaning "to go somewhere and neck." After children, a noun meaning a place with a swing set and slide. Patience n. -- The most important ingredient for dating, marriage, and children. See also "tranquilizers". Valentine's Day n. -- A day when you have dreams of a candlelight dinner, diamonds, and romance, but consider yourself lucky to get a card. Waterproof Mascara n. -- Comes off if you cry, shower, or swim, but will not come off if you try to remove it. Author unknown.

There once was an accountant who lived her whole life without ever taking advantage of any of the people she worked for. In fact, she made sure that every job she did resulted in a win-win situation. One day while walking down the street she was tragically hit by a bus and she died. Her soul arrived up in heaven where she was met at the Pearly Gates by St. Peter himself. "Welcome to Heaven," said St. Peter. "Before you get settled in though it seems we have a problem. You see, strangely enough, we've never once had an accountant make it this far and we're not really sure what to do with you." "No problem, just let me in." said the accountant. "Well, I'd like to, but I have higher orders. What we're going to do is let you have a day in Hell and a day in Heaven and then you can choose whichever one you want to spend an eternity in." "Actually, I think I've made up my mind...I prefer to stay in Heaven" "Sorry, we have rules..." And with that St. Peter put the accountant in an elevator and it went down-down-down to hell. The doors opened and the accountant found herself stepping out onto the putting green of a beautiful golf course. In the distance was a country club and standing in front of her were all her friends - fellow accountants that she had worked with and they were all dressed in evening gowns and cheering for her. They ran up and kissed her on both cheeks and they talked about old times. They played an excellent round of golf and at night went to the country club where she enjoyed an excellent steak and lobster dinner. She met the Devil who was actually a really nice guy and she had a great time telling jokes and dancing. The accountant was having such a good time that before she knew it, it was time to leave. Everybody shook her hand and waved goodbye as she got on the elevator. The elevator went up-up-up and opened back up at the Pearly Gates and found St. Peter waiting for her. "Now it's time to spend a day in heaven." So the accountant spent the next 24 hours lounging around on clouds and playing the harp and singing. She had a great time and before she knew it her 24 hours were up and St. Peter came and got her. "So, you've spent a day in hell and you've spent a day in heaven. Now you must choose your eternity." The accountant paused for a second and then replied, "Well, I never thought I'd say this, I mean, Heaven has been really great and all, but I think I had a better time in Hell." So St. Peter escorted her to the elevator and again the accountant went down-down-down back to Hell. When the doors of the elevator opened she found herself standing in a desolate wasteland covered in garbage and filth. She saw her friends were dressed in rags and were picking up the garbage and putting it in sacks. The Devil came up to her and put his arm around her. "I don't understand," stammered the accountant, "Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and a country club and we ate lobster and we danced and had a great time. Now all there is is a wasteland of garbage and all my friends look miserable." The Devil looked at her and smiled. "That's because yesterday you were a recruit, but today you're staff." -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- An accountant applies for the position of Chief Financial Officer. There are a number of candidates and he is called in for an interview. They ask him a number of questions and one of the panel suddenly says "What is nine multiplied by four?" He thinks quickly and says "Thirty five." When the interview is over he goes outside, takes out his calculator and finds the correct answer is not thirty five. He thinks "Well, I blew that" and goes home very disappointed. Next day he is rung up and told he has got the job. "Wonderful," he says, "but what about nine multiplied by four? My answer wasn't right" "We know, but of all the candidates you came the closest."

In February 1994 in New Brighton, Minn., a 32-year-old man and his 24-year-old girlfriend were arrested after a food fight in a grocery store. After arguing loudly, the couple began throwing sweet potatoes at each other. Eventually, the man allegedly threw the woman into several vegetable racks, sending the contents spilling to the floor. As both continued to brawl on the floor, she allegedly stuffed lettuce into the man's mouth.

1. Being a parent is like being pecked to death by a duck. 2. Raising teenagers is a lot like nailing Jello to a tree 3. Money isn't everything but it sure keeps the kids in touch. 4. Your life's "Golden Age" is the period in your life when your kids are to old to require a babysitter and too young to take the car. 5. Shouting at your children to get cooperation is about the same as steering your car using the horn...same results. 6. To be in your children's memories tomorrow one must be in their life today. 7. The best advice regarding raising your children is to really enjoy them while they are still on your side. 8. A home's temperature is best maintained by warm hearts, not cold words or hot heads. 9. "The Joy of Motherhood": What a woman experiences after she puts the last tyke to bed. 10. Any child can tell you that the sole purpose of a middle name is so that he or she can tell when they are REALLY in trouble. 11. Your children may outgrow your lap...but NEVER your heart. 12. God gave you two ears and only one mouth, so that you may listen twice as much as you speak. 13. The only true child experts are those that do not yet have any of their own. 14. Cleaning house with the children at home is a lot like snowblowing during a blizzard. 15. There are only two things that your child is absolutely willing to share: Communicable Diseases and their mother's age. 16. Why is it that we can't get a child to read the Bible at home, but when in prison they will. 17. Remember this? "When you grow up and have children of your own, I hope that they are JUST LIKE YOU!" It worked. 18. How come your Dad never had money for the ice cream man but after a visit with Grandpa your kids "jingle"? 19. True genetics have nothing to do with hair and eye color. It's their occurrence of such things as "Who said life was FAIR", and Because I SAID so!" when you SWORE you'd never use those on your kids. 20. Practice what you preach even covers never letting them see you snag those Ding Dongs for breakfast.

23rd Psalm for Jewish Princesses The Lord is my shepherd, I shall not want. He leadeth me to Brent Cross He giveth me energy for shopping He restoreth my credit card He teacheth me to make restaurant reservations He leadeth me past Woolworths for mine own sake Yea, though I walk by Next, I shall not go in, for thou art with me. Thy fashionable clothes they comfort me Thou preparest diamond jewellery for me in the presence of mine enemies Thou anointest my face with Chanel cosmetics My cup overflows Surely designer clothes shall follow me to the end of my days And I will walk on Golders Green Road forever.

During the wedding rehearsal, the groom approached the pastor with an unusual offer. "Look, I'll give you $100 if you'll change the wedding vows. When you get to me and the part where I'm to promise to 'love, honor and obey' and 'forsaking all others, be faithful to her forever,' I'd appreciate it if you'd just leave that part out." He passed the minister a $100 bill and walked away satisfied. It is now the day of the wedding, and the bride and groom have moved to that part of the ceremony where the vows are exchanged. When it comes time for the groom's vows, the pastor looks the young man in the eye and says: "Will you promise to prostrate yourself before her, obey her every command and wish, serve her breakfast in bed every morning of your life and swear eternally before God and your lovely wife that you will not ever even look at another woman, as long as you both shall live?" The groom gulped and looked around, and said in a tiny voice, "Yes." The groom leaned toward the pastor and hissed, "I thought we had a deal." The pastor put the $100 bill into his hand and whispered back, "She made me a much better offer."

Don’t be impatient Arnold and Isaac were residents in a nursing home. Even though they were best of friends, they were still prone to argue with each other. One day, they are queuing up at the canteen to get their lunch. Because Arnold is taking his time, Isaac says to him, "Hey you! Hurry up already before I punch you in the teeth." Arnold turns round, looks at Isaac and says, "OK. Go ahead. Make my day! My teeth are upstairs in the glass by my bed."

If you want breakfast in bed, sleep in the kitchen.

Buy me a beer, will ya hon?

A man walks into a bar and has a couple of beers. Once he is donem the bartender tells him he owes $9.00. "But I paid, don't you remember?" says the customer. "Okay," says the bartender, "If you said you paid, you did." The man then goes outside and tells the first person he sees that the bartender can't keep track of whether his customers have paid. The second man then rushes in, orders a beer and later pulls the same stunt. The barkeep replies, "If you say you paid, I'll take your word for it." Soon the customer goes into the street, sees an old friend, and tells him how to get free drinks. The man hurries into the bar and begins to drink high-balls when, suddenly, the bartender leans over sand says, "You know, a funny thing happened in here tonight. Two men were drinking beer, neither paid and both claimed that they did. The next guy who tries that is going to get punched right in the nose." "Don't bother me with your troubles," the final patron responds. "Just give me my change and I'll be on my way."

A couple of kids tried using pickles for a Ping-Pong game. They had the volley of the Dills.

A man walks into a bar, orders the bartender for two beers. He continues this for several nights and the bartender got a bit curious. The bartender walks up to him and asks "Sir, why do you always ask for two drinks?" the man replies, "I used to come here with my best friend but now he's dead. And I'm drinking the second beer on his behalf." A few days later, the man orders only for 1 beer. Curious, the bartender asks him," why only 1 beer now sir?" man replies, "I have given up drinking!"

On the last day of kindergarten, the children brought presents for their teacher. The florist's son gave her a box. She shook it, held it up, and said, "I bet I know what it is. Is it flowers?" "That's right!" said the boy. Then the candy store owner's son gave her his package. She shook it, held it up, and said, "I bet I know what it is. Is it a box of candy?" "That's right!" said the boy. Next the liquor store owner's son handed her his box. She shook it, held it up, and noticed that it was leaking. She touched a drop with her finger and tasted it. "I bet I know what it is. Is it wine?" "No," said the boy. She touched another drop to her tongue. "Is it Champagne?" "No," said the boy. "I give up. What is it?" The boy grinned. "A puppy!"

It was George the Mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood. When he arrived at the first house on his route, he was greeted by the whole family who congratulated him and sent him on his way with a tidy gift envelope. At the second house, they presented him with a box of fine cigars. The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures. At the fourth house, he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful woman in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door, which she closed behind him, and took him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced. When he had enough, they went downstairs and she fixed him a giant breakfast: eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh-squeezed orange juice. When he was truly satisfied, she poured him a cup of steaming coffee. As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge. "All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, "But what's the dollar for?" "Well," she said, "Last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you. He said, 'Screw him. Give him a dollar.' The breakfast was my idea."

A German comes to London and stays with Maurice and his family.The first morning they all have breakfast together and have bagels. The German exclaims "Wow we don`t have bagels like this in Germany."To which Maurice stands up and yells "And who`s fault is that?"

One day a man went to a pet store and bought a hundred-legged worm. The sales person told him about this worm. It was not a normal worm. This worm could do anything as a maid. When they were home, the man asked the worm to turn on the T.V. So the worm turned it on. Then he asked him to prepare him some coffee. So the worm did it. The man told him to go buy the newspaper. So the worm went out of the house to buy the newspaper. An hour passed and still the worm didn't come. Another hour passed and the worm had still not come back. So finally the man stood up and opened the front door. "So, there you are," the man said looking at the worm, "have you bought the newspaper?" "Sorry, sir," answered the worm, "I haven't finished putting on my shoes."

On a group of beautiful deserted tropical islands in the middle of nowhere, the following people are suddenly stranded by, as you might expect, a shipwreck: 2 Italian men and 1 Italian woman, 2 French men and 1 French woman, 2 German men and 1 German woman, 2 Greek men and 1 Greek woman, 2 English men and 1 English woman, 2 Bulgarian men and 1 Bulgarian woman, 2 Japanese men and 1 Japanese woman, 2 Chinese men and 1 Chinese woman, 2 American men and 1 American woman, and 2 Irish men and 1 Irish woman One month later on these same absolutely stunningly beautiful desert islands in the middle of nowhere, the following things have occurred: One Italian man killed the other Italian man for the Italian woman. The two French men and the French woman are living happily together in a menage-a-trois. The two German men have a strict weekly schedule of alternating visits with the German woman. The two Greek men are sleeping with each other and the Greek woman is cleaning and cooking for them. The two English men are waiting for someone to introduce them to the English woman. The two Bulgarian men took one long look at the endless ocean, another long look at the Bulgarian woman, and started swimming. The two Japanese men have faxed Tokyo and are awaiting instructions. The two Chinese men have set up a pharmacy, a liquor store, a restaurant, and a laundry, and have got the woman pregnant in order to supply employees for the store. The two American men are contemplating the virtues of suicide because the American woman keeps endlessly complaining about her body,the true nature of feminism, how she can do everything they can do, the necessity of fulfillment, the equal division of household chores, how sand and palm trees make her look fat, how her last boyfriend respected her opinion and treated her nicer than they do, how her relationship with her mother is improving, and at least the taxes are low and it isn't raining. The two Irish men have divided the island into North and South and set up a distillery. They do not remember if sex is in the picture because it gets sort of foggy after the first few liters of coconut whiskey. But they're satisfied because at least the English aren't having any fun.