More Quickies Q: What does a Jewish Princess make for lunch? A: Reservations Benny is in a restaurant, calls over the waiter and asks, “Oy, do you have matzoh balls?” “No,” replies the waiter, “I always walk like this.

Whenever your children are out of control, you can take comfort from the thought that even God`s omnipotence did not extend to His own children.After creating heaven and earth, God created Adam and Eve. The first thing he said was, "Don`t.""Don`t what?" Adam replied."Don`t eat the forbidden fruit," God said."Forbidden fruit? We have forbidden fruit? Hey, Eve...we have forbidden fruit!""No way!""Yes, way!""Do NOT eat the fruit!" said God."Why?""Because I am your Father and I said so!" God replied, wondering why he stopped creation after making the elephants.A few minutes later, God saw his children having an apple break and he was ticked! "Didn`t I tell you not to eat the fruit?" God, as our first parent, asked."Uh huh," Adam replied."Then why did you?" said the Father."I don`t know," said Eve."She started it!" Adam said."Did not!""Did too!""DID NOT!"Having had it with the two of them, God`s punishment was that Adam and Eve should have children of their own.Thus, the pattern was set and it has never changed! But there is reassurance in this story. If you have persistently and lovinglytried to give children wisdom and they haven`t taken it, don`t be hard on yourself. If God had trouble raising children, what made you think it would be a piece of cake for you?

A young man is about to go on his first date and is nervous about what to talk about. He asks his father for advice. The father replies: "My son, there are three subjects that always work. These are food, family, and philosophy." The boy picks up his date and they go to a soda fountain. Ice cream sodas in front of them, they stare at each other for a long time, as the boy's nervousness builds. He remembers his father's advice, and chooses the first topic. He asks the girl: "Do you like potato pancakes?" She says "No," and the silence returns. After a few more uncomfortable minutes, the boy thinks of his father's suggestion and turns to the second item on the list. He asks, "Do you have a brother?" Again, the girl says "No" and there is silence once again. The boy then plays his last card. He thinks of his father's advice and asks the girl the following question: "If you had a brother, would he like potato pancakes?"

One night at the dinner table, the wife commented, "When we were first married, you took the small piece of steak and gave me the larger. Now you take the large one and leave me the smaller; You don't love me any more..." "Nonsense, darling," replied the husband, "you just cook better now."

A couple of tough questionsQuestion 1:If you knew a woman who was pregnant, who had 8 kids already, three who were deaf, two who were blind, one mentally retarded, and she had syphilis, would you recommend that she have an abortion?Read the next question before looking at the answer for this one.Question 2:It is time to elect a new world leader, and only your vote counts. Here are the facts about the three leading candidates.Candidate A -Associates with crooked politicians, and consults with astrologists. He`s had two mistresses. He also chain smokes and drinks 8 to 10 martinis a day.Candidate B -He was kicked out of office twice, sleeps until noon, used opium in college and drinks a quart of whiskey every evening.Candidate C -He is a decorated war hero. He`s a vegetarian, doesn`t smoke, drinks an occasional beer and never cheated on his wife.Which of these candidates would be your choice? Decide first, no peeking, then scroll down for the answer.Candidate A is Franklin D. Roosevelt.Candidate B is Winston Churchill.Candidate C is Adolph Hitler.And, by the way, the answer to the abortion question: If you said yes, you just killed Beethoven.Pretty interesting isn`t it? Makes a person think before judging someone.

There once was a fly swimming over a lake. There once was a fish that was watching this fly swimming over the lake because he knew that the fly would fly low enough to the lake and he would jump out and eat him. There once was a bear that was watching this fly because he knew that the fly would fly low enough to the lake that a fish would jump out and get him and the bear would run out and get the fish. There once was a hunter that was watching this fly because he knew that the fly would fly low enough to be eaten by the fish who would be eaten by the bear and when the bear ran out he could shoot it. There once was a mouse that was watching this fly because he knew that the fly would fly down low enough that the fish would jump out and the bear would run out and the hunter would shoot and the peanut butter and jelly sandwich in the hunters pocket would fall out and the mouse would run out and get it. There was this cat that was watching this fly because he knew that the fly would fly low enough that the fish would jump out and the bear would run out and the hunter would shoot and the sandwich would fall out and the mouse would run out and the cat was going to get the mouse. SO! ... The fly cruises too close to the lake. The fish jumps out and eats the fly. The bear runs out to get the fish. The hunter shoots the bear. The peanut butter and jelly sandwich falls out. The mouse runs toward the sandwich. But the mouse just sees the cat out of the corner of his eye and slams on the brakes real quick. The cat, not expecting this, flies over the mouse's head and into the lake. Moral of the story: Every time a fly goes down, there's a wet pussy somewhere.

Where do birds meet for coffee? In a nest-cafe!

Try and answer each question, the answers are found below. 1. A murderer is condemned to death. He has to choose between three rooms. The first is full of raging fires, the second is full of assassins with loaded guns, and the third is full of lions that haven't eaten in 3 years. Which room is safest for him? 2. A woman shoots her husband. Then she holds him under water for over 5 minutes. Finally, she hangs him. But 5 minutes later they both go out together and enjoy a wonderful dinner together. How can this be? 3. There are two plastic jugs filled with water. How could you put all of this water into a barrel, without using the jugs or any dividers, and still tell which water came from which jug? 4. What is black when you buy it, red when you use it, and gray when you throw it away? 5. Can you name three consecutive days without using the words Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, or Sunday? 6. This is an unusual paragraph. I'm curious how quickly you can find out what is so unusual about it. It looks so plain you would think nothing was wrong with it. In fact, nothing is wrong with it! It is unusual though. Study it, and think about it, but you still may not find anything odd. But if you work at it a bit, you might find out. ANSWERS: 1. The third. Lions that haven't eaten in three years are dead. 2. The woman was a photographer. She shot a picture of her husband, developed it, and hung it up to dry. 3. Freeze them first. Take them out of the jugs and put the ice in the barrel. You will be able to tell which water came from which jug. 4. The answer is Charcoal. 5. Sure you can: Yesterday, Today, and Tomorrow! 6. The letter "e", which is the most common letter in the English language, does not appear once in the long paragraph.

Sign in restaurant window: "Eat now - Pay waiter."

How do you make a hot dog stand? Steal its chair.

Mary was married to a male chauvinist. They both worked full time, but he never did anything around the house and certainly not any housework. That, he declared, was woman's work! But one evening Mary arrived home from work to find the children bathed, a load of wash in the washing machine and another in the dryer, dinner on the stove and a beautifully set table, complete with flowers. She was astonished, and she immediately wanted to know what was going on. It turned out that Charley, her husband, had read a magazine article that suggested working wives would be more romantically inclined if they weren't so tired from having to do all the housework, in addition to holding down a full-time job. The next day, she couldn't wait to tell her girlfriends at the office. "How did it work out?" they asked. Mary said. "Charley even cleaned up, helped the kids with their homework, folded the laundry and put everything away. I really enjoyed my evening." "But what about afterward?" her friends wanted to know. "It didn't work out," Mary said. "Charley was too tired."

If Chuck Norris ever opened a restaurant, the only thing on the menu would be knuckle sandwiches and eye of roundhouse steaks.

A woman and a man are involved in a car accident. It's a bad one.Both of their cars are totally demolished but amazingly neither of them are hurt. After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says, "So you're a man, that's interesting. I'm a woman. Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left but fortunately we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days." The man replied, "I agree with you completely. This must be a sign from God! " The woman continued, "And look at this, here's another miracle... My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune." Then she hands the bottle to the man. The man shakes his head in agreement,opens it and drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to the woman. The woman takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the man. The man asks, "Aren't you having any?" The woman replies, "No. I think I'll just wait for the police"

Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson went on a camping trip. After a good meal and a bottle of wine they lay down for the night, and went to sleep. Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend awake. "Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see." Watson replied, "I see millions and millions of stars." "What does that tell you?" Holmes questioned. Watson pondered for a minute. "Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?" Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke. "Watson, you idiot. Someone has stolen our tent."

Why does mama aardvark call her husband a cannibal? Because he ate his ant for dinner!

A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first time. Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. The pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex. At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all. That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!" The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down. 10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy. Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, "I had no idea you were this religious." The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was a pharmacist."

Coffee maker [My thanks to Hilary for the following] Maurice and Becky are arguing over who should brew the coffee each morning. Becky says, "As you get up first in the morning, Maurice, you should make it. Then we won`t have to wait too long for our coffee." "But you’re in charge of all the cooking," replies Maurice, "that’s your job, so you should make it. And if I have to wait for my coffee in the morning, well, I don`t mind." "But it says in the bible that the man should make the coffee," says Becky "OK, responds Maurice, "if you can show me where it says that, I’ll never question you again." Next day, Becky borrows a bible from her neighbour and shows Maurice that on the top of several pages it indeed says ‘Hebrews’.

As in many homes on New Year`s Day, my wife and I faced the annual conflict of which was more important - the football games on television, or the dinner itself. To keep peace, I ate dinner with the rest of the family, and even lingered for some pleasant after-dinner conversation before retiring to the family room to turn on the game.Several minutes later, my wife came downstairs and graciously even bought a cold drink for me. She smiled, kissed me on the cheek and asked what the score was. I told her it was the end of the third quarter and that the score was still nothing to nothing."See?" she said, continuing to smile, "You didn`t miss a thing."

What fish make the best sandwich? A peanut butter and jellyfish.

Question: What is a honeymooner's sandwich? Answer: Lettuce alone.