An elderly man who denies he is being forgetful was asked by his wife to get a cup of coffee at midnight. "Oh sure my dear, and what else?" "That's it honey, the last time you got me a coffee, you forgot to put sugar and cream," the old wife remarked. "That's not true, for as long as I can remember, I do not forget anything, boasts the grandpa. "OK sweetheart, in that case, please get me some cookies too," was the sweet reply of grandma. "As you wish my dear," says the hubby, then he adds, "by the way, how do I go to the kitchen?"

Chuck Norris doesn't drink coffee. He eats coffee beans and makes cafe latte in his stomach.

Expectant parents, travelling to new home in california, start to argue about new baby's name. Finally after arguing all day they decide to name the new baby after the first billboard sign they see after the birth. Travelling through the dessert the next day she gives birth. They both agree now for sure the first sign will be the little boy's name. Alas a sign in the horizon, it is a coca-cola sign. As agreed the baby is named coca-cola. Coca-cola grows up and after 6 years he is enrolled in school. Well coca-cola gets a teacher that can guess names really good, she starts off mary, jane, bill, bob, she now comes to coca-cola hmmm, i'll have to come back to you she says. After naming all the children she comes back to coca-cola, hmmm i'm going to need a hint from you, she says. Coca-cola proudly says teacher it is something you probably have every day. Teacher really really excited now yells out DICKY.

Did you hear about the two peanuts walking in the woods? One was "a-salted."

Three Pastors from the south were having lunch in a diner. One said, "Ya know, since summer started I've been having trouble with bats in my loft and attic at church. I've tried everything-noise, spray, cats-nothing seems to scare them away. Another said, "Yea, me too. I've got hundreds living in my belfry and in the attic. I've even had the place fumigated, and they won't go away." The third said, "I baptized all mine, and made them members of the church... Haven't seen one back since!"

10 best excuses when you get caught falling asleep on your desk: 10. "They told me at the blood bank this might happen." 9. "This is just a 15 minute power-nap like they raved about in that time management course you sent me to." 8. "Whew! Guess I left the top off the White-Out. You probably got here just in time!" 7. "I wasn't sleeping! I was meditating on the mission statement and envisioning a new paradigm." 6. "I was testing my keyboard for drool resistance." 5. "I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relieve work-related stress. Are you discriminatory toward people who practice Yoga?" 4. "Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a solution to our biggest problem." 3. "The coffee machine is broken..." 2. "Someone must've put decaf in the wrong pot..." And the #1 best thing to say if you get caught sleeping at your desk... 1. " ... in Jesus' name. Amen."

You Can Never Really Go Back There was this couple who had been married for 50 years. They were sitting at the breakfast table that morning when the old gentleman said to his wife, "Just think, honey, we've been married for 50 years." "Yeah," she replied, "Fifty years ago this very day, we were sitting here at this breakfast table together." "Hmmm," the old man said, "We were probably sitting here naked as jaybirds fifty years ago this morning." "Well," Granny snickered, "What do you say...should we?" Whereupon the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table. "You know, honey," the little old lady breathlessly replied, "My nipples are as hot for you now as they were fifty years ago." "I wouldn't be surprised," replied Gramps. "One's in your coffee and the other one's in you oatmeal!"

Things To Say To Telemarketers 1. If they want to loan you money, tell them you just filed for bankruptcy and you could sure use some money. 2. If they start out with, "How are you today?" say, "I'm so glad you asked, because no one these days seems to care, and I have all these problems. My arthritis is acting up, my eyelashes are sore, my dog just died . . . " 3. If they say they're John Doe from XYZ Company, ask them to spell their name. Then ask them to spell the company name. Then ask them where it is located, how long it has been in business, how many people work there, how they got into this line of work if they are married, how many kids they have, etc. Continue asking them personal questions or questions about their company for as long as necessary. 4. This works great if you are male. Telemarketer: "Hi, my name is Judy and I'm with XYZ Company. " You: Wait for a second and with a real husky voice ask, "What are you wearing?" 5. Cry out in surprise, "Judy? Is that you? Oh my God! Judy, how have you been?" Hopefully, this will give Judy a few brief moments of terror as she tries to figure out where she could know you from. 6. Say "No" over and over. Be sure to vary the sound of each one, and keep a rhythmic tempo, even as they are trying to speak. This is most fun if you can do it until they hang up. 7. If MCI calls trying to get you to sign up for the Family and Friends Plan, reply, in as sinister a voice as you can, "I don't have any friends, would you be my friend?" 8. If the company cleans rugs, respond: "Can you get out blood? Can you get out goat blood? How about human blood?" 9. After the Telemarketer gives his or her spiel, ask him or her to marry you. When they get all flustered, tell them that you can't just give your credit card number to a complete stranger. 10. Tell the Telemarketer that you work for the same company, and they can't sell to employees. 11. Answer the phone. As soon as you realize it is a Telemarketer, set the receiver down, scream, "Oh my God!" and then hang up. 12. Tell the Telemarketer you are busy at the moment and ask him/her if he/she will give you his/her home phone number so you can call him/her back. When the Telemarketer explains that telemarketers cannot give out their home numbers say, "I guess you don't want anyone bothering you at home, right?" The Telemarketer will agree and you say, "Me either!" Hang up. 13. Ask them to repeat everything they say, several times. 14. Tell them it is dinner time, but ask if they would please hold. Put them on your speaker phone while you continue to eat at your leisure. Smack your food loudly and continue with your dinner conversation. 15. Tell the Telemarketer you are on "home incarceration" and ask if they could bring you some beer. 16. Ask them to fax the information to you, and make up a number. 17. Tell the Telemarketer, "Okay, I'll listen to you. But I should probably tell you, I'm not wearing any clothes." 18. Insist that the caller is really your buddy Leon, playing a joke. "Come on, Leon, cut it out! Seriously, Leon, how's your momma?" 19. Tell them you are hard of hearing and that they need to speak up . . . louder . . . louder . . . 20. Tell them to talk very slowly, because you want to write every word down.

The Freudian Slip Ted and John are setting in the bar and John asked Ted if he bought the train tickets to go see the Steelers game this weekend. Ted says yea and kinda looked a little funny. John said is there anything wrong? Ted said naw, everythings OK. They take a few more sips of beer and Ted ask John if he had ever embarrassed himself by saying something he didnít mean to say. John said sure, it happens to everyone. Ted said thereís a name for that isnít there...you know, where you accidently use the wrong words when you are trying to say something. Yea, says John, itís called a Freudian slip. Yea, thats it said Ted, I couldnít think of the word. Why are you asking said John? Well, yesterday I went to the train station to get the train tickets for Pittsburg, and the girl selling tickets has this incredible set of jugs. I pulled out the money and laid it on the counter and asked her to give me two pickets to Titsburg and then had to embarrassingly say I mean two tickets to Pittsburg. God, it just embarressed the shit out of me. You ever done anything that stupid? ì Funny you would askî, said John. Just this morning my wife and I...gosh, I guess weíve been married going on 23 years now..., were having breakfast. I was reading the paper and drinking my coffie. I meant to say, ìdear, would you please pass me the sugarî,but instead I said, 'You fucking bitch, youíve ruined my life.'"

What do you call two rows of cabbages? A dual cabbageway!

At a dinner party, one of the guests, an obnoxiously loud young man, tried to make clever remarks about everyone and everything. When he was served a piece of meat, he picked it up with his fork, held it up and smirked: 'Is this pig?' Another guest, sitting opposite, asked quietly: 'Which end of the fork are you referring to?'.

The visitor David is visiting his parents for dinner one Friday night. Whilst she is getting the table ready, his mother asks him to get the olives from the fridge. He opens the fridge to look for the olives and notices that taped to the inside of the door is a risqué photo of a lovely, slender, perfectly built, but naked young woman. David asks, “Mum, what’s the photo for? She replies, “Oh, I put that there to remind me not to eat too much.” David then asks, “So, is it working?” “Yes and no.” she replies. “I’ve lost 15 pounds but your father has gained 20 pounds!

Customer: Why doesn't this restaurant have any specials? Waiter: Because nothing about this food is special.

By W. Bruce Cameron As usual, I'm the one who was blamed for the recent family crisis, even though, as readers of this column well know, I am a sensitive and humble husband who is right pretty much 100 percent of the time. I do admit that when it comes to the system that runs the laundry in our house, I have been a tad ... oblivious. By "system" I mean, of course, my wife, who takes care of washing clothes for the rest of us without complaint -- until recently, as you will soon see. My oldest daughter has never mastered the tricky mechanism required to open and shut her dresser drawers, with the result that her clean laundry winds up right where my wife has stacked it -- on the bed, where it tips onto the floor and mingles with the dirty clothes residing there. "I have nothing to wear!" she'll shriek every once in awhile, despite the fact that she is standing ankle deep in her entire wardrobe. When I get tired of this ransacked condition and advise her she can't go to a friend's party until her room is cleaned up, ignoring her claim that "these are the most important people in my life; I promised I'd be there," she'll take care of the problem by gathering up everything and trucking it down to the laundry room, even if my wife just washed it that very day. For my youngest daughter, the issue is the competency of the laundress. "I told you that blouse has to be washed separately," she'll scold. "You're supposed to soak it in rain water and then dry it with cotton balls!" Apparently everything she owns was hand-sewn by movie stars out of butterfly silk, and my wife is constantly "ruining" things by not treating them with gentle cycles and soft murmurs. My son never gripes about clothes: As far as he is concerned, the laundry area could be converted into a video game room. He generally wears the same outfit until it becomes toxic; the EPA has been to our house twice to see if his clothing should be awarded Superfund status. Often, peering at the condition of his attire, I realize he has more dirt on him than I have in my yard. Cleaning his apparel causes the washing machine to make a grinding, gritty noise, as if sand has gotten into the bearings. Against all this, my complaint seems a pretty mild irritant: I've begun noticing that whatever wash cycle she is employing, my wife is causing my pants to shrink around the waist. "You're shrinking them so bad I can barely button them," I grumble. "Look at this!" She regards me wearily. "Those are new pants. I haven't even washed them yet," she advises. "What's your point?" I demand. Sometimes she can't seem to stay focused. "Meaning, I couldn't have done anything to shrink them. They came like that." "Defective trousers?" I sputter. How much more am I supposed to endure? She pokes me lightly in the stomach. "No, they're the right size," she claims. "So you did shrink them!" I accuse. Now, even though all I am doing is serving in my prosecutorial capacity as the man of the family, she completely overreacts. "You know what? You're right. I must not know what I am doing. So from now on, everyone in the family has to wash their own clothes. I am through doing laundry!" At first I believe this is a bluff. Each of us have our family responsibilities, after all -- for her not to take care of the clothes would be like me no longer bothering to decide what we will watch on television. But when, after a few days, it becomes apparent that she has no intention of calling off her unauthorized labor action, I summon the children for an emergency session of arguing over who should take over laundry duties. We decide on a system based on blame and denial. This leads to a minor disaster in which everyone's clothing somehow becomes pink, and a demand from my children: How are you going to get Mom back in the laundry business? I don't know, but I suspect it will involve a lot of chocolate.

Why did the monster get a ticket at Thanksgiving dinner? He was exceeding the feed limit!

A Scotsman and an Englishman lived next door to each other. The Scotsman owned a hen and each morning he would look in his garden and pick up one of his hen`s eggs for breakfast. One day he looked into his garden and saw that the hen had laid an egg in the Englishman`s garden. He was about to go next door when he saw the Englishman pick up the egg. The Scotsman ran up to the Englishman and told him that the egg belonged to him because he owned the hen. The Englishman disagreed because the egg was laid on his property. They argued for a while until finally the Scotsman said, "In my family we normally solve disputes by the following actions: I kick you in the testicles and time how long it takes for you to get back up. Then you kick me in the testicles and time how long it takes for me to get up. Whoever gets up quicker wins the egg." The Englishman agreed to this and so the Scotsman put on the heaviest pair of boots he could find. He took a few steps back, then ran towards the Englishman and kicked him as hard as he could in the testicles. The Englishman fell to the floor clutching his groin, howling in agony for 30 minutes. The Scotsman smiled and said, "Ye can keep the damn egg!"

A.. Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out?" a.. Who was the first person to say "See that chicken there...I'm gonna eat the next thing that comes outta it's butt." a.. Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat? a.. Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer? a.. If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him? a.. Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane? a.. If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat? a.. Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is? a.. Why does your OB-GYN leave the room when you get undressed if they are going to look up there anyway? a.. Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs! a.. What do you call male ballerinas? a.. Can blind people see their dreams? Do they dream? a.. If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that Acme crap,why didn't he just buy dinner? a.. If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests? a.. If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from? a.. If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons? a.. Isn't Disney World just a people trap operated by a mouse? a.. Why do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune? a.. Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup? a.. Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere, but call it a hemorrhoid when it's in your ass? a.. Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him on a car ride, he can't wait to stick his head out the window into the wind? a.. Does pushing the elevator button more than once make it arrive faster?

Why did I get divorced? Well, last week was my birthday. My wife didn't wish me a happy birthday. My parents forgot and so did my kids. I went to work and even my colleagues didn't wish me a happy birthday. As I entered my office, my secretary said, "Happy birthday, boss!" I felt so special. She asked me out for lunch. After lunch, she invited me to her apartment. We went there and she said, "Do you mind if I go into the bedroom for a minute?" "Okay," I said. She came out 5 minutes later with a birthday cake, my wife, my parents, my kids, my friends, & my colleagues all yelling, "SURPRISE!" while I was waiting on the sofa... naked.

"Divide fourteen sugar cubes into three cups of coffee so that each cup has an odd number of sugar cubes in it." "That`s easy: one, one, and twelve." "But twelve isn`t odd!" "Twelve is an odd number of cubes to put in a cup of coffee..."

More Quickies Q: What does a Jewish Princess make for lunch? A: Reservations Benny is in a restaurant, calls over the waiter and asks, “Oy, do you have matzoh balls?” “No,” replies the waiter, “I always walk like this.