Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend, Mr. Common Sense. Mr. Sense had been with us for many years. No one knows for sure how old he was since his birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape. He will be remembered as having cultivated such valuable lessons as knowing when to come in out of the rain, why the early bird gets the worm, and that life isn't always fair. Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies and reliable parenting strategies . His health began to rapidly deteriorate when well-intentioned but overbearing regulations were set in place. Reports of a six-year-old boy charged with sexual harassment for kissing a classmate, teens suspended from school for using mouthwash after lunch, and a teacher fired for reprimanding an unruly student only worsened his condition. Mr. Sense declined even further when schools were required to get parental consent to administer aspirin to a student, but could not inform the parents when a student became pregnant and wanted to have an abortion. Finally, Common Sense lost the will to live as the Ten Commandments became contraband, churches became businesses, and criminals received better treatment than their victims. Common Sense finally gave up the ghost after a woman failed to realize that a steaming cup of coffee was hot, then she spilled a bit in her lap and was awarded a huge financial settlement. Common Sense was preceded in death by his parents, Truth and Trust; his wife, Discretion; his daughter, Responsibility; and his son, Reason. He is survived by two stepbrothers: My Rights and Ima Whiner. Not many attended his funeral because so few realized he was gone.

Eating on his own Issy’s wife is unwell and so Issy is sitting in a restaurant on his own for a change. He spends a good deal of time looking at the menu and even when the waiter returns to take his order, Issy is still poring over the menu. The waiter clears his throat and asks, "Ahem, excuse me for asking, sir, but is there a problem with the menu?" "No there isn’t," Issy replies. "It’s just that my wife Betty usually tells me what I am allowed to eat, and she’s not here." "That`s no problem," says the waiter, "the soup of the day is chicken soup with lokshen and to make it real tasty we add giblets and chicken fat. But…. I’m sure your wife would want you to have the tomato juice." The waiter then continues. "Today’s special is potted flanken nosh-up. This is made with especially fatty meat to which we add potatoes and carrots and leave the whole caboodle in the oven for almost eight hours. We then serve it with home made challah bread for dipping into the gravy. But….. I’m sure your wife would want you to have the boiled chicken wings and rice." On hearing this, Issy puts down the menu and says, "Nag nag, nag. That`s all Betty ever does. I`m tired of her telling me what to do. I`ll have the chicken soup and flanken nosh-up."

Yes, it's that magical time of the year again when the Darwin Awards are bestowed, honoring the least evolved among us. Here then, are the glorious winners. Darwin Award Winners: 1. When his 38-caliber revolver failed to fire at his intended victim during a hold-up in Long Beach, California, would-be robber James Elliot did something that can only inspire wonder. He peered down the barrel and tried the trigger again. This time it worked... And now, the honorable mentions: 2. The chef at a hotel in Switzerland lost a finger in a meat cutting machine and, after a little hopping around, submitted a claim to his insurance company. The company expecting negligence, sent out one of its men to have a look for himself. He tried the machine and lost a finger. The chef's claim was approved. 3. A man who shoveled snow for an hour to clear a space for his car during a blizzard in Chicago returned with his Vehicle to find a woman had taken the space. Understandably, he shot her. 4. After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, a Zimbabwean bus driver found that the 20 mental patients he was supposed to be transporting from Harare to Bulawayo had escaped. Not wanting to admit his incompetence, the driver went to a nearby bus stop and offered everyone waiting there a free ride. He then delivered the passengers to the mental hospital, telling the staff that the patients were very excitable and prone to bizarre fantasies. The deception wasn't discovered for 3 days. 5. An American teenager was in the hospital recovering from serious head wounds received from an oncoming train. When asked how he received the injuries, the lad told police that he was simply trying to see how close he could get his head to a moving train before he was hit. 6. A man walked into a Louisiana Circle-K, put a $20 bill on the counter, and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which the clerk promptly provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and fled, leaving the $20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he got from the drawer...$15. 7. Seems an Arkansas guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that he'd just throw a cinder block through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run. So he lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his head at the window. The cinder block bounced back and hit the would-be thief on the head, knocking him unconscious. The liquor store window was made of Plexiglas. The whole event was caught on videotape. 8. As a female shopper exited a New York convenience store, a man grabbed her purse and ran. The clerk called 911 immediately, and the woman was able to give them a detailed description of the snatcher. Within minutes, the police apprehended the snatcher. They put him in the car and drove back to the store. The thief was then taken out of the car and told to stand there for a positive ID. To which he replied, "Yes, officer, that's her. That's the lady I stole the purse from." 9. The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into a Burger King in Ypsilanti, Michigan, at 5 a.m., flashed a gun,demanded cash. The clerk turned him down because he said he couldn't open the cash register without a food order. When the man ordered onion rings, the clerk said they weren't available for breakfast . The man, frustrated, walked away. A 5-STAR STUPIDITY AWARD WINNER! 10. When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a motor home parked on a Seattle street, he got much more than he bargained for. Police arrived at the scene to find a very sick man curled up next to a motor home near spilled sewage. A police spokesman said that the man admitted to trying to steal gasoline and plugged his siphon hose into the motor home's sewage tank by mistake. The owner of the vehicle declined to press charges, saying that it was the best laugh he'd ever had. In the interest of bettering human kind please share these with your friends an.

A drunken blonde goes into a bar. The bartender asks her what she would like, and she replies, "Gimme a beer." The bartender then asks, "Anheuser-Busch?" To which she replies, "Fine thanks, and how's your cock?"

It was once known as "The Bad Humor" ice cream, ice cream truck and ice cream man. Then,Chuck Norris resigned.

What do most men consider a gourmet restaurant? Any place without a drive-up window.

Chuck Norris loves wine, women and song. Just as long as the wine is beer, the women Hustler models with lesbian tendancies and the song the Walker: Texas Ranger theme played constantly.

A young couple decided to wed. As the big day approached, they grew apprehensive. Each had a problem they had never before shared with anyone, not even each other. The groom- to-be, overcoming his fear, decided to ask his father for advice. "Father," he said, "I am deeply concerned about the success of my marriage." His father replied, "Don't you love this girl?" "Oh yes, very much," he said, "but you see, I have very smelly feet and I'm afraid that my fiancee will be put off by them." "No problem," said dad, "all you have to do is wash your feet as often as possible and always wear socks, even to bed." Well, to him this seemed a workable solution. The bride-to-be, overcoming her fear, decided to take her problem up with her mom. "Mom," she said, "When I wake up in the morning, my breath is truly awful." "Honey," her mother consoled, "everyone has bad breath in the morning." "No, you don't understand. My morning breath is so bad, I'm afraid that my fiancee will not want to sleep in the same room with me." Her mother said simply, "Try this. In the morning, get straight out of bed and head for the kitchen to make breakfast. While the family is busy eating, move on to the bathroom and brush your teeth. The key is, not to say a word until you've brushed your teeth." "I shouldn't say good morning or anything?" the daughter asked. "Not a word," her mother affirmed. "Well, it's certainly worth a try," she thought. The loving couple were finally married. Not forgetting the advice each had received, he with his perpetual socks and she with her morning silence, they managed quite well. That is, until about six months later. Shortly before dawn one morning, the husband wakes with a start to find that one of his socks had come off. Fearful of the consequences, he frantically searches the bed. This, of course, wakes his bride and without thinking, she asks, "What on earth are you doing?" "Oh, my," he replies, "you've swallowed my sock!"

Now that’s chutzpah [My thanks to Hilary A for the following] Ethel, a little old lady with a lovely smile, makes a living selling roses on the corner of Middlesex Street for £1 a rose. Maurice, on the other hand, works for a bank in Middlesex Street and is doing very well for himself. Maurice has always felt sorry for Ethel and whenever he leaves his office for lunch and passes Ethel, he always gives her £1. But Maurice never takes a rose from her and although this has been going on for 2 years, the two of them have never spoken to each other. One day, as Maurice passes Ethel and leaves his usual £1, Ethel speaks to him for the first time. "I appreciate your business, sir. You really are my best customer, but I must point out to you that the price of a rose has now gone up to £1.50."

English is a Crazy Language From: Charlie Indelicato Let's face it -- English is a crazy language. There is no egg in eggplant nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple. English muffins weren't invented in England or French fries in France. Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat. We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig. And why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham? If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of booth beeth? One goose, 2 geese. So one moose, 2 meese? One index, 2 indices? Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend, that you comb through annals of history but not a single annal? If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it? If teachers taught, why didn't preacher praught? If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat? If you wrote a letter, perhaps you bote your tongue? Sometimes I think all the English speakers should be committed to an asylum for the verbally insane. In what language do people recite at a play and play at a recital? Ship by truck and send cargo by ship? Have noses that run and feet that smell? Park on driveways and drive on parkways? How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and wise guy are opposites? How can overlook and oversee be opposites, while quite a lot and quite a few are alike? How can the weather be hot as hell one day and cold as hell another. Have you noticed that we talk about certain things only when they are absent? Have you ever seen a horseful carriage or a strapful gown? Met a sung hero or experienced requited love? Have you ever run into someone who was combobulated, gruntled, ruly or peccable? And where are all those people who ARE spring chickens or who would ACTUALLY hurt a fly? You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out and in which an alarm clock goes off by going on. English was invented by people, not computers, and it reflects the creativity of the human race . That is why, when the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible. And why, when I wind up my watch, I start it, but when I wind up this essay, I end it.

Mealtime It was mealtime during a flight on El Al. "Would you like dinner?" the flight attendant asked Moishe, seated in front. "What are my choices?" Moishe asked. "Yes or no," she replied.

Two confirmed bachelors sat talking. Their conversation drifted from politics to cooking."I got a cookbook once," said the first, "but I could never do anything with it.""Too much fancy cooking in it, eh?" asked the second."You said it. Every one of the recipes began the same way - Take a clean dish and..."

You answer the door before people knock. * Juan Valdez named his donkey after you. * You ski uphill. * You get a speeding ticket even when you're parked. * You speed walk in your sleep. * You have a bumper sticker that says: "Coffee drinkers are good in the sack." * You haven't blinked since the last lunar eclipse. * You just completed another sweater and you don't know how to knit. * You grind your coffee beans in your mouth. * You sleep with your eyes open. * You have to watch videos in fast forward. * The only time you're standing still is during an earthquake. * You can take a picture of yourself from ten feet away without using the timer. * You lick your coffeepot clean. * You spend every vacation visiting "Maxwell House." * You're the employee of the month at the local coffeehouse and you don't even work there. * You've worn out your third pair of tennis shoes this week. * Your eyes stay open when you sneeze. * You chew on other people's fingernails. * The nurse needs a scientific calculator to take your pulse. * Your T-shirt says, "Decaffeinated coffee is the devil's blend." * Your so jittery that people use your hands to blend their margaritas. * You can type sixty words per minute... with your feet. * You can jump-start your car without cables. * Cocaine is a downer. * You don't need a hammer to pound nails. * You don't sweat, you percolate. * You've worn out the handle on your favorite mug. * You go to AA meetings just for the free coffee. * You walk twenty miles on your treadmill before you realize it's not plugged in. * You forget to unwrap candy bars before eating them. * Charles Manson thinks you need to calm down. * You've built a miniature city out of little plastic stirrers. * People get dizzy just watching you. * You've worn the finish off your coffee table. * The Taster's Choice couple wants to adopt you. * Your taste buds are so numb you could drink your lava lamp. * You're so wired, you pick up AM radio. * People can test their batteries in your ears. * Your life's goal is to amount to a hill of beans. * Instant coffee takes too long. * You channel surf faster without a remote. * When someone says. "How are you?", you say, "Good to the last drop." * You want to be cremated just so you can spend the rest of eternity in a coffee can. * You want to come back as a coffee mug in your next life. * Your birthday is a national holiday in Brazil. * You'd be willing to spend time in a Turkish prison. * You go to sleep just so you can wake up and smell the coffee. * You're offended when people use the word "brew" to mean beer. * You name your cats "Cream" and "Sugar." * You get drunk just so you can sober up. * Your Thermos is on wheels. * Your lips are permanently stuck in the sipping position. * You have a picture of your coffee mug on your coffee mug. * You can outlast the Energizer bunny. * You short out motion detectors. * Your nervous twitch registers on the Richter scale. * You think being called a "drip" is a compliment. * You don't tan, you roast. * You don't get mad, you get steamed. * You help your dog chase its tail. * You soak your dentures in coffee overnight. * Your coffee mug is insured by Lloyds of London. * You introduce your spouse as your coffee mate. * Your first aid kit contains two pints of coffee with an I.V. hookup.

A person may not walk around on Sundays with an ice cream cone in his/her pocket.

Chuck Norris' favorite chocolate bar is a Crunch Bar because it's the noise of you bones cracking when he round house kicks you.

Father, mother and son decide to go to the zoo one day. So they set off and are seeing lots of animals. Eventually they end up opposite the elephant house. The boy looks at the elephant, sees its willy, points to it and says, "Mummy, what is that long thing?" His mother replies, "That, son, is the elephant's trunk." "No, at the other end." "That, son is the tail." "No, mummy, the thing under the elephant." A short embarrassed silence after which she replies, "That's nothing." The mother goes to buy some ice-cream and the boy, not being satisfied with her answer, asks his father the same question. "Daddy, what is that long thing?" "That's the trunk, son," replies the father. "No at the other end." "Oh, that is the tail." "No, no daddy, the thing below," asks the son in desperation. "That is the elephants penis. Why do you ask son?" "Well mummy said it was nothing," says the boy. Replies the father: "I tell you, I spoil that woman ..."

New DefinitionsAtom Bomb :An invention to end all inventions.Boss :Someone who is early when you are late and late when you are early.Cigarette :A pinch of tobacco rolled in paper with fire at one end & a fool on the other.Classic :A book which people praise, but do not read.Committee :Individuals who can do nothing individually and sit to decide that nothing can be done together.Compromise :The art of dividing a cake in such a way that everybody believes he got the biggest piece.Conference :The confusion of one man multiplied by the number present.Conference Room :A place where everybody talks, nobody listens and everybody disagrees later on.Criminal :A guy no different from the rest...except that he got caught.Dictionary :A place where success comes before work.Diplomat :A person who tells you to go to hell in such a way that you actually look forward to the trip.Divorce :Future tense of marriage.Doctor :A person who kills your ills by pills, and kills you with his bills.Etc. :A sign to make others believe that you know more than you actually do.Experience :The name men give to their mistakes.Father:A banker provided by nature.Lecture :An art of transferring information from the notes of the lecturer to the notes of the students without passing through "the minds of either"Miser :A person who lives poor so that he can die rich.Office :A place where you can relax after your strenuous home life.Opportunist :A person who starts taking bath if he accidentally falls into a river.Optimist :A person who while falling from Eiffel tower says in midway "See I am not injured yet."Philosopher :A fool who torments himself during life, to be spoken of when dead.Politician :One who shakes your hand before elections and your confidence after.Smile :A curve that can set a lot of things straight.Tears :The hydraulic force by which masculine will-power is defeated by feminine water power...Yawn :The only time some married men ever get to open their mouth.TRAFFIC LIGHT -- apparatus that automatically turns red when your carapproaches.DIVORCE -- postgraduate in School of Love.PIONEER -- early American who was lucky enough to find his way out of the woods.PEOPLE -- some make things happen, some watch things happen, and the majority has no idea what`s happened.SWIMMING POOL -- a mob of people with water in it.SELF-CONTROL -- the ability to eat only one peanut.SALESMAN -- man with ability to convince wife she`d look fat in mink.CANNIBAL -- person who likes to see other people stewed.EGOCENTRIC -- a person who believes he is everything you know you are.FOREIGN FILM -- any movie shown in a Texas theater that isn`t a western.OPTIMIST -- girl who regards a bulge as a curve.MAGAZINE -- bunch of printed pages that tell you what`s coming in the next issue.COLLEGE: The four-year period when parents are permitted access to thetelephone.EMERGENCY NUMBERS: Police station, fire department and places that deliver.OPERA: When a guy gets stabbed in the back and instead of bleeding he sings.BUFFET: A French word that means "Get up and get it yourself."BABY-SITTER: A teen-ager who must behave like an adult so that the adults who are out can behave like teen-agers.TATTOO: Permanent proof of temporary insanity.

Eight-year-old Daniel heard his grandmother tell his mother that a football was needed for the family dinner Sunday night. Daniel couldn't imagine why, but if he could help grandma prepare the meal, he would. But he didn't have a football, so he went over to Greg's house and traded 50 baseball cards for an old deflated football. He pumped it up, shined it and placed it on the kitchen table waiting for grandma to discover it. ''Daniel!'' his mother exclaimed, ''You know Grandma is cooking tonight. Please put your things where they belong!'' Daniel was holding back the tears, ''But it's for Grandma! She said she needed a football for dinner.'' Mother did her best to hold back the laughter, ''You know Grandma and her Irish accent. She meant a FRUIT BOWL!''.

A man asked his wife, "What would you most like for your birthday?" She said, "I'd love to be ten again." On the morning of her birthday, he got her up bright and early and they went to a theme park. He put her on every ride in the park - the Death Slide, The Screaming Loop, the Wall of Fear. She had a go on every ride there was. She staggered out of the theme park five hours later, her head reeling and her stomach turning. Then off to a movie theater, popcorn, cola and sweets. At last she staggered home with her husband and collapsed into bed. Her husband leaned over and asked, "Well, dear, what was it like being ten again?" One eye opened and she groaned, "Actually, honey, I meant dress size!"

An elderly man who denies he is being forgetful was asked by his wife to get a cup of coffee at midnight. "Oh sure my dear, and what else?" "That's it honey, the last time you got me a coffee, you forgot to put sugar and cream," the old wife remarked. "That's not true, for as long as I can remember, I do not forget anything, boasts the grandpa. "OK sweetheart, in that case, please get me some cookies too," was the sweet reply of grandma. "As you wish my dear," says the hubby, then he adds, "by the way, how do I go to the kitchen?"