Chuck Norris eats soup with a fork, KFC with chopsticks, and bananas with his feet.

The secret to a long marriage is that we take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes on Tuesdays. I go on Fridays.

Chuck Norris ate Hannibal Lecter`s liver. With some fava beans, and a nice keg of beer.

The little old couple walked slowly into McDonalds that cold winter evening. They looked out of place amid the young families and young couples eating there that night. Some of the customers looked admiringly at them. You could tell what the admirers were thinking. "Look, there is a couple who has been through a lot together, probably for 60 years or more!" The little old man walked right up to the cash register, placed his order with no hesitation and then paid for their meal. The couple took a table near the back wall and started taking food off of the tray. There was one hamburger, one order of french fries and one drink. The little old man unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half. He placed one half in front of his wife. Then he carefully counted out the french fries, divided them in two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife. He took a sip of the drink, his wife took a sip and then set the cup down between them. As the man began to eat his few bites of hamburger the crowd began to get restless. Again you could tell what they were thinking. "That poor old couple. All they can afford is one meal for the two of them." As the man began to eat his french fries, one young man stood and came over to the old couples table. He politely offered to buy another meal for the old couple to eat. The old man replied that they were just fine. Theywere used to sharing everything. Then the crowd noticed that the little old lady hadn't eaten a bite. She just sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the drink. Again the young man came over and begged them to let him buy them something to eat. This time the lady explained that no, they were used to sharing everything together. As the little old man finished eating and was wiping his face neatly with a napkin, the young man could stand it no longer. Again, he came over to their table and offered to buy some food. After being politely refused again he finally asked a question of the little old lady. "Ma'am, why aren't you eating. You said that you share everything. " What is it that you are waiting for?" She answered, "The Teeth"

What are some outstanding hamburger colleges? Brandeis, Cowlifornia State, Hoofstra, Pen State, Ranchelaer Polytechnic, Burgereley and Moosouri!

Waiter, waiter! There's a wasp in my dessert. So that's where they go to in the winter.

Chuck Norris brews coffee with his bare hands.

When a cop pulls over Chuck Norris for drinking and driving the cop is just making sure that he doesn't spill his beer.

Have you heard about the new restaurant on the moon? Reports say that the food is good but no atmosphere!

The boss joined a group of his workers at the coffee urn and told a series of jokes he'd heard recently. Everybody laughed loudly. Everybody, that is, except Mike. When he noticed that he was getting no reaction from Mike, the boss said, "What's the matter, Mike? No sense of humor?" "My sense of humor is fine," he said. "But I don't have to laugh. I'm quitting tomorrow."

How does a witch make scrambled eggs? She holds the pan and gets two friends to make the stove shake with fright.

The unhappy woman One day, whilst Hette Levine was out shopping in Brent Cross, she noticed an old lady sitting on a bench sobbing her eyes out. Hette stopped and asked her what was wrong. The old lady said, "I have a 22 year old husband at home. He makes love to me every morning and then gets up and makes me pancakes, sausage, fresh fruit and freshly ground coffee." Hette said, "Well, then why are you crying?" The old lady continued, "He makes me homemade soup for lunch and my favourite cake and then makes love to me for half the afternoon". Hette asked again, "Well, why are you crying?" The old lady continued, "For dinner he makes me a gourmet meal with wine and my favourite dessert and then makes love to me until 2 o’clock in the morning. Hette asked yet again, "Well, why in the world would you be crying?" The old lady replied, "I can`t remember where I live!"

John invited his mother over for dinner. During the meal, his mother couldn't help noticing how attractive and shapely the housekeeper was. Over the course of the evening, she started to wonder if there was more between John and the housekeeper than met the eye. Reading his mom's thoughts, John volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, my relationship with my housekeeper is purely professional." About a week later, the housekeeper came to John and said, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. You don't suppose she took it, do you?" John said, "Well, I doubt it, but I'll write her a letter just to be sure." So he sat down and wrote: "Dear Mother, I'm not saying you 'did' take a gravy ladle from my house, and I'm not saying you 'did not' take a gravy ladle. But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner." Several days later, John received a letter from his mother which said "Dear Son, I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with your housekeeper, and I'm not saying that you 'do not' sleep with your housekeeper. But the fact remains that if she were sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now. Love, Mom"

Top Ten Signs You`ve Eaten Too Much at Thanksgiving Dinner10. Hundreds of volunteers have started to stack sandbags around you.9. Doctor tells you your weight would be perfect for a man 17 feet tall.8. You are responsible for a slight but measurable shift in the earth`s axis.7. Right this minute you`re laughing up pie on the carpet.6. You decide to take a little nap and wake up in mid-July.5. World`s fattest man sends you a telegram, warning you to "back off!"4. CBS tells you to lose weight or else.3. Getting off your couch requires help from the fire department.2. Every escalator you step on immediately grinds to a halt.1. You`re sweatin` gravy.

As a guy takes his seat on an airplane, he is surprised to find a parrot strapped in next to him. After taking off, the flight attendant comes around to serve the passengers on the plane. The guy asks the flight attendant for a coffee and the parrot squawks: "And get ME a coke...NOW!"The flight attendant, flustered by the parrot`s attitude, brings back a coke for the parrot. However, she forgets the coffee for the guy.As the guy points this out, the parrot drains his glass and screams:"Get me another coke or I`ll really create a scene!"Quite upset, the attendant comes back shaking, with another coke, but still no coffee.Irritated at her forgetfulness, the man decides to try the parrot`s approach. "I`ve asked you twice for a coffee. Go and get it right now, or I`ll create a scene that will make HIS look like a Victorian tea party!"The next moment, both the guy and the parrot are grabbed and thrown out of the emergency exit by two burly security guards.Hurtling towards earth, the parrot turns to him and says: "You`re pretty cheeky for a guy who can`t fly!"

At a nursing home a group of seniors were sitting around talking about all their ailments. "My arms have gotten so weak I can hardly lift this cup of coffee," said one. "Yes, I know," said another. "My cataracts are so bad I can't even see my coffee." "I couldn't even mark an 'X' at election time, my hands are so crippled," volunteered a third. "What? Speak up! What? I can't hear you! said a fourth. "I can't turn my head because of the arthritis in my neck," said a fifth, to which several nodded weakly in agreement. "My blood pressure pills make me so dizzy I can hardly walk!" exclaimed another. "I forget where I am, and where I'm going," said an elderly gent. "I guess that's the price we pay for getting old," winced an old man as he slowly shook his head. The others nodded in agreement. "Well, count your blessings," said one woman cheerfully, "thankfully, we can all still drive."

Yo momma's so lonely that she buys hot dogs and nuts wishing she could have sex with them.

On reaching his plane seat a man is surprised to see a parrot strapped in next to him. He asks the stewardess for a coffee where upon the parrot squawks "And get me a whisky you cow!" The stewardess, flustered, brings back a whisky for the parrot and forgets the coffee. When this omission is pointed out to her the parrot drains its glass and bawls "And get me another whisky you idiot". Quite upset, the girl comes back shaking with another whisky but still no coffee. Unaccustomed to such slackness the man tries the parrot's approach "I've asked you twice for a coffee, go and get it now or I'll kick you". The next moment, both he and the parrot have been wrenched up and thrown out of the emergency exit by two burly stewards. Plunging downwards the parrot turns to him and says "For someone who can't fly, you complain too much!"

What do farmers give their wives on Valentine's Day? Hog and kisses! -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- What would you get it you crossed Odie with the God of love? A stupid cupid! -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Why did the pig give his girlfriend a box of candy? It was Valenswine's Day! -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Do skunks celebrate Valentine's Day? Sure, they're very scent-imental! -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- What did the French chef give his wife for Valentine's Day? A hug and a quiche! -------------------------------------- What did the chocolate syrup say to the ice cream? "I'm sweet on you!" -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- What did the paper clip say to the magnet? "I find you very attractive." -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- What would you call a woman who goes out with Jon? Desperate! -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- What did one pickle say to the other? "You mean a great dill to me." -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Knock, Knock! Who's there? Olive. Olive who? Olive you! -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- What did the elephant say to his girlfriend? "I love you a ton!" -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- What did the bat say to his girlfriend? "You're fun to hang around with." -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Did you hear about the nearsighted porcupine? He fell in love with a pincushion! -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- What did the pencil say to the paper? "I dot my i's on you!" -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Liz: "I can't be your valentine for medical reasons." Jon: "Really?" Liz: "Yeah, you make me sick!" -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Why did the cannibal break up with his girlfriend? She didn't suit his taste!

Indianola: The "Ice Cream Man" and his truck are banned.