If you want breakfast in bed, sleep in the kitchen.

Buy me a beer, will ya hon?

A man walks into a bar and has a couple of beers. Once he is donem the bartender tells him he owes $9.00. "But I paid, don't you remember?" says the customer. "Okay," says the bartender, "If you said you paid, you did." The man then goes outside and tells the first person he sees that the bartender can't keep track of whether his customers have paid. The second man then rushes in, orders a beer and later pulls the same stunt. The barkeep replies, "If you say you paid, I'll take your word for it." Soon the customer goes into the street, sees an old friend, and tells him how to get free drinks. The man hurries into the bar and begins to drink high-balls when, suddenly, the bartender leans over sand says, "You know, a funny thing happened in here tonight. Two men were drinking beer, neither paid and both claimed that they did. The next guy who tries that is going to get punched right in the nose." "Don't bother me with your troubles," the final patron responds. "Just give me my change and I'll be on my way."

A couple of kids tried using pickles for a Ping-Pong game. They had the volley of the Dills.

A man walks into a bar, orders the bartender for two beers. He continues this for several nights and the bartender got a bit curious. The bartender walks up to him and asks "Sir, why do you always ask for two drinks?" the man replies, "I used to come here with my best friend but now he's dead. And I'm drinking the second beer on his behalf." A few days later, the man orders only for 1 beer. Curious, the bartender asks him," why only 1 beer now sir?" man replies, "I have given up drinking!"

On the last day of kindergarten, the children brought presents for their teacher. The florist's son gave her a box. She shook it, held it up, and said, "I bet I know what it is. Is it flowers?" "That's right!" said the boy. Then the candy store owner's son gave her his package. She shook it, held it up, and said, "I bet I know what it is. Is it a box of candy?" "That's right!" said the boy. Next the liquor store owner's son handed her his box. She shook it, held it up, and noticed that it was leaking. She touched a drop with her finger and tasted it. "I bet I know what it is. Is it wine?" "No," said the boy. She touched another drop to her tongue. "Is it Champagne?" "No," said the boy. "I give up. What is it?" The boy grinned. "A puppy!"

It was George the Mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood. When he arrived at the first house on his route, he was greeted by the whole family who congratulated him and sent him on his way with a tidy gift envelope. At the second house, they presented him with a box of fine cigars. The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures. At the fourth house, he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful woman in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door, which she closed behind him, and took him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced. When he had enough, they went downstairs and she fixed him a giant breakfast: eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh-squeezed orange juice. When he was truly satisfied, she poured him a cup of steaming coffee. As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge. "All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, "But what's the dollar for?" "Well," she said, "Last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you. He said, 'Screw him. Give him a dollar.' The breakfast was my idea."

A German comes to London and stays with Maurice and his family.The first morning they all have breakfast together and have bagels. The German exclaims "Wow we don`t have bagels like this in Germany."To which Maurice stands up and yells "And who`s fault is that?"

One day a man went to a pet store and bought a hundred-legged worm. The sales person told him about this worm. It was not a normal worm. This worm could do anything as a maid. When they were home, the man asked the worm to turn on the T.V. So the worm turned it on. Then he asked him to prepare him some coffee. So the worm did it. The man told him to go buy the newspaper. So the worm went out of the house to buy the newspaper. An hour passed and still the worm didn't come. Another hour passed and the worm had still not come back. So finally the man stood up and opened the front door. "So, there you are," the man said looking at the worm, "have you bought the newspaper?" "Sorry, sir," answered the worm, "I haven't finished putting on my shoes."

On a group of beautiful deserted tropical islands in the middle of nowhere, the following people are suddenly stranded by, as you might expect, a shipwreck: 2 Italian men and 1 Italian woman, 2 French men and 1 French woman, 2 German men and 1 German woman, 2 Greek men and 1 Greek woman, 2 English men and 1 English woman, 2 Bulgarian men and 1 Bulgarian woman, 2 Japanese men and 1 Japanese woman, 2 Chinese men and 1 Chinese woman, 2 American men and 1 American woman, and 2 Irish men and 1 Irish woman One month later on these same absolutely stunningly beautiful desert islands in the middle of nowhere, the following things have occurred: One Italian man killed the other Italian man for the Italian woman. The two French men and the French woman are living happily together in a menage-a-trois. The two German men have a strict weekly schedule of alternating visits with the German woman. The two Greek men are sleeping with each other and the Greek woman is cleaning and cooking for them. The two English men are waiting for someone to introduce them to the English woman. The two Bulgarian men took one long look at the endless ocean, another long look at the Bulgarian woman, and started swimming. The two Japanese men have faxed Tokyo and are awaiting instructions. The two Chinese men have set up a pharmacy, a liquor store, a restaurant, and a laundry, and have got the woman pregnant in order to supply employees for the store. The two American men are contemplating the virtues of suicide because the American woman keeps endlessly complaining about her body,the true nature of feminism, how she can do everything they can do, the necessity of fulfillment, the equal division of household chores, how sand and palm trees make her look fat, how her last boyfriend respected her opinion and treated her nicer than they do, how her relationship with her mother is improving, and at least the taxes are low and it isn't raining. The two Irish men have divided the island into North and South and set up a distillery. They do not remember if sex is in the picture because it gets sort of foggy after the first few liters of coconut whiskey. But they're satisfied because at least the English aren't having any fun.

What happens when Chuck Norris orders a beer and gets a beer? he roundhouses the waitress, Chuck Norris should not have to ask.

I don't need a reason to enjoy a little wine. I just need a glass.

There once was a blind man who decided to visit Texas. When he arrived on the plane, he felt the seats and said, "Wow, these seats are big!" The person next to him answered, "Everything is big in Texas." When he finally arrived in Texas, he decided to visit a bar. Upon arriving in the bar, he ordered a beer and got a mug placed between his hands. He exclaimed, "Wow these mugs are big!" The bartender replied, "Everything is big in Texas." After a couple of beers, the blind man asked the bartender where the bathroom was located. The bartender replied, "Second door to the right." The blind man headed for the bathroom, but accidentally tripped over and skipped the second door. Instead, he entered the third door, which lead to the swimming pool and fell into the pool by accident. Scared to death, the blind man started shouting, "Don't flush, don't flush!"

The Secret Service got a real scare the other day when someone threw a beer at Bill Clinton during his morning jog. Fortunately it was a draft, so he was able to dodge it.

Johnny's teacher told the class to say a sentence using the word beautiful twice. A girl sitting next to Johnny said, "My mother put on a beautiful dress and she looked beautiful in it." The teacher said "Very good." Johnny raised his hand and said, "Last night at the dinner table, my sister told my father she was pregnant and he said, 'Beautiful, fucking beautiful!'"

The inmate on death row was scheduled to be put to death by firing squad the follow morning. Throughout the day, the prison guards were being very nice to him. But when they asked him if he wanted something specific for his last meal, he didn't want anything special. When they asked if there was something special he wanted to do, he said nothing. It went on like this all day. Finally when he was put before the firing squad, the guard asked if he wanted a cigarette and a blindfold. "No," the inmate said, "just get it over with." "Well, is there anything that I can do for you before you go?" said the guard. "You didn't even want a special last meal!" The inmate thought. "Actually," he said, "Music is my life. One thing I would really like would be to sing my favorite song, one whole time through, with no interruptions." The guard nodded and told him to go ahead. The inmate started, "One billion bottles of beer on the wall..."

The following quotes were allegedly taken from actual medical records as dictated by physicians: - By the time he was admitted, his rapid heart had stopped and he was feeling better. - On the second day, the knee was better and on the third day it had completely disappeared. - The patient has been depressed ever since she began seeing me in 1983. - Patient was released to outpatient department without dressing. - Discharge status: Alive but without permission. - The patient refused an autopsy. - The patient expired on the floor uneventfully. - The patient's medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40 pound weight gain in the past three days. - She slipped on the ice and apparently her legs went in separate directions in early December. - The patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch. - She is numb from the toes down. - The skin was moist and dry. - When she fainted, her eyes rolled around the room.

HOW TO IMPRESS AN ITALIAN MAN: Show up naked, Bring Beer.

Follow my leader Little Emma is watching her mother preparing their Shabbat dinner – this week it’s Salt Beef. Emma watches her mother slice off both ends of the joint and place it in a saucepan ready for cooking. So Emma asks, "Why did you cut both ends off, Mum?" Her mother pauses for a few seconds, then replies, "That’s a good question, Emma. It’s what my mother always did when she made Salt Beef and I just do the same. But I’ve no idea why. Let’s phone bubbeh and ask her." So they phone bubbeh and ask why she always sliced the ends off the Salt Beef before cooking. Bubbeh replies, "You know, I`m not sure why – that was the way I always saw my mother make Salt Beef." Because they are now very curious, they visit Emma’s great grandmother in the nursing home and say to her, "You know when we make Salt Beef, why do we always slice off the ends before cooking it?" "I don`t know why you do it," says the great grandmother, "but I never had a saucepan that was large enough!"

Why did the dog mistake the dog catcher for a grape? He was colour-blind.