Answer these questions, then view the results at the end to see if you are a Real Man. 1. Alien beings from a highly advanced society visit the earth. You are the first human they have encountered and as a token of inter-galactic friendship they present you with a small but incredibly sophisticated device that is capable of curing all diseases, provide an infinite supply of clean energy, wipe out hunger, and permanently eliminate oppression and violence. What would you do with it? A: Present it to the Prime Minister B. Present it to the Secretary General of the United Nations. C. Take it apart. 2. As you grow older what lost quality of youth do you miss most? A: innocence B. Idealism C. Fire crackers 3. In your opinion what is the ideal pet? A: A cat B. A dog C. A dog that eats cats 4. One week day your wife wakes up feeling ill and asks you to get your three children ready for school. Which would be your first question? A: Do they need to eat or anything? B. They're in school already? C. There are three of them? 5. What is the human race's single greatest achievement? A: Democracy B. Religion C. Remote control 6. You have been seeing a woman for several years. She is attractive and intelligent and you always enjoy being with her. One leisurely Sunday afternoon the two of you are taking it easy. You're watching a soccer game and she's reading the paper when suddenly, out of the blue she tells you that she thinks she really loves you, but can no longer bear the uncertainty of not knowing where our relationship is going. She says she's not asking whether you want to get married; only whether you believe that you have some kind of future together. What do you say? A: That you seriously believe the two of you have a future, but you don't want to rush it. B. That although you also have strong feelings for her , but you cannot honestly say that any time soon you'll be ready to make a lasting commitment, and you don't want to hurt her by holding out false hopes. C. That you cannot believe the Wallabies lost to South Africa two weeks ago. 7. Okay. So you have decided you really love a woman and you want to share with her all the all the joys and sorrows the world has to offer, come what may. How do you tell her? A: You take her to a nice restaurant and tell her after dinner. B. You take her for a walk on a moonlit beach. You say her name and when she turns to you with the sea breezes blowing her hair and stars in her eyes, you tell her. C. Tell her what? 8. When would you hug another male? A: If he's your Father and one of you has a fatal disease. B. If you're performing the Heimlich procedure. C. If you're a professional Football player and a teammate scores the goal to win the world cup, provided that you also pound him fraternally with your fist hard enough to cause fractures. Scoring: If you answered "C" to each and every question, then you are a Real Man.

What did the snake say when he was offered a piece of cheese for dinner? Thank you, I'll just have a slither.

Why did the banana go out with the prune? Because it couldn't get a date.

All’s fair in love and war Kitty and Freda are having lunch together at Brent Cross shopping centre. They know how big the portions are so they order only one dish of ‘fried fish pieces’ which they intend to share. They also ask for an extra plate. When the order arrives, the plate contains one big piece of fish and one little piece of fish. Kitty and Freda politely look at each other. Kitty says, "Please, you choose first." "No," replies Freda, "you can choose first." Kitty says, "OK, I`ll take first," and puts the big piece of fish on the empty plate. Freda is surprised. "Why did you take the big piece? That`s not very polite." "So which piece would you have taken, then?" asks Kitty. "I would have taken the small piece," replies Freda. "So what’s the problem, Freda," says Kitty, "that`s what you’ve got."

Iraqi vs. American Average Iraqi Has visited the convergence of the Tigris and Euphrates, cradle of the ancient civilization founded by his ancestors Average American Once got really sick on the Wild Mouse ride at Six Flags theme park Average Iraqi Willing to participate in Holy War for his nation Average American Willing to participate in People's Choice Awards Average Iraqi Lines up by the thousands to die for country Average American Will go to any extreme to avoid jury duty Average Iraqi Has endured many food shortages during wars with Iran and embargo by West Average American Shoves McDonalds cashier if their Happy Meal doesn't include McCookies Average Iraqi Believes if he dies in battle, he will go straight to Paradise Average American Believes if, in a dream, you don't wake up before hitting the ground, you die Average Iraqi Has friend or relative wounded in ruthless wars of conquest Average American Has beer guzzling uncle who shot self in foot on hunting trip Average Iraqi Thinks Saddam Hussein is a political genius Average American Thinks Saddam Hussein makes Dan Quayle seem like Einstein.

Why do waiters like Gorillas better than flies? Did you ever hear a customer complain 'Waiter, there's a Gorilla in my soup!'.

Four surgeons were taking a coffee break and were discussing their work. The first said, "I think accountants are the easiest to operate on. You open them up and everything inside is numbered." The second said, "I think librarians are the easiest to operate on. You open them up and everything inside is in alphabetical order." The third said, "I like to operate on electricians. You open them up and everything inside is color-coded." The fourth one said, "I like to operate on lawyers. They're heartless spineless, gutless, and their heads and their ass are interchangeable."

What does a Chinese restaurant serve for Easter? Coloured eggrolls!

Why didn't the teddy bear finish its dinner? It was stuffed.

A man kills a deer and takes it home to cook for dinner. Both he and his wife decide that they won't tell the kids what kind of meat it is, but will give them a clue and let them guess. The dad said, "Well it's what Mommy calls me sometimes." The little girl screamed to her brother, "Don't eat it. Its an asshole!

What a coincidence! Maurice and Isaac found themselves sitting next to each other in a New York bar. After a while, Maurice looks at Isaac and says, "I can`t help but think, from listening to you, that you`re from Israel." Isaac responds proudly, "I am!" Maurice says, "So am I! And where might you be from?" Isaac answers, "I`m from Jerusalem." Maurice responds, "So am I! And where did you live?" Isaac says, "A lovely little area two miles east of King David`s Hotel. Not too far from the old city" Maurice says, "Unbelievable! What school did you attend?" Isaac answers, "Well, I attended Yeshiva University." Maurice gets really excited, and says, "And so did I. Tell me, what year did you graduate?" Isaac answers, "I graduated in 1984." Maurice exclaims, "Amazing! This is Berschert. Hashem wanted us to meet! I can hardly believe our good luck at winding up in the same bar tonight. Can you believe it, I graduated from Yeshiva University in 1984 also." About this time, Moishe enters the bar, sits down, and orders a beer. The bartender walks over to him shaking his head & mutters, "It`s going to be a long night tonight, the Goldberg twins are drunk again."

Teacher: If you saw me standing by a witch, what fruit would it remind you of? Pupil: A pear.

A January 1994 Reuters News Service story on Manuel Oliveira`s ice cream shop in Merida, Venezuela, reported on his 567 flavors, including onion, chili, beer, eggplant, smoked trout, spaghetti parmesan, chicken with rice, and spinach. He said some flavors fail; he once abandoned avocado ice cream, and tossed out 99 pounds of it, because it wasn`t smooth enough.

Q: Where do tired linedancers go for Breakfast? A: Ihop.

One day Little Johnny asks his Mum, "How come when I come in to your room you and you're on top of Daddy, you say you're making a sandwich, but after a while I come in again, you're eating a sausage?!"

A preacher was completing a temperance sermon: with great expression he said, "If I had all the beer in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river." With even greater emphasis he said, "And if I had all the wine in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river." And then finally, he said, "And if I had all the whiskey in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river." He sat down. The song leader then stood very cautiously and announced with a smile, "For our closing song, let us sing Hymn # 365: "Shall We Gather at the River."

Good dinner dates Hannah is talking to her best friend Sharon. They are both still single. "After my recent experiences with some of my dates, Sharon, I firmly believe men are like a fine wine." "Why do you say that?" asks Sharon. "Well," replies Hannah, "they start out as grapes and it`s up to women like us to stomp the crap out of them until they turn into something acceptable to have dinner with."

The 70-year old groom and the 25-year old bride attracted raised eyebrow attention as they checked into the resort hotel. Next morning at eight sharp, the groom came into the dining room whistling a gay tune, sat down at a table and ordered ham and eggs. The smile on his face and the twinkle in his eye told everybody present that he was happy and confident. Fifteen minutes later the young bride slowly trudged into the dining room and seated herself across from her 70-year old. Her face was drawn and her voice weak as she ordered toast and coffee. The groom, now finished, excused himself and strolled into the lobby for his morning cigar. As the waitress approached with the bride's toast and coffee, she said, "Honey, I don't understand it. Here you are a young bride with an old husband, looking like you've encountered a buzz saw." "That guy," said the bride, "double crossed me. He told me he saved up for 60 years and I thought he was talking about money!"

What does a skeleton orders at a restaurant? Spare ribs.

I'll swallow it all . . . I love the taste. Are you sure you've had enough to drink? I'm bored. Let's shave my pussy! Oh come on, what do ya say we get a good porno movie, a case of beer, a few joints, and have my friend Tammy over for a threesome! God..if I don't get to blow you soon, I swear I'm gonna bust! I know it's a lot tighter back there but would you please try again? You're so sexy when you're hungover. I'd rather watch football and drink beer with you than go shopping. Let's subscribe to Hustler. Would you like to watch me go down on my girlfriend? Say, let's go down to the mall so you can check out women's asses. I'll be out painting the house. I love it when you play golf on Sunday's, I just wish you had time to play on Saturday too. Honey..our new neighbor's daughter is sunbathing again, come see! I've decided to stop wearing clothes around the house. No, No, I'll take the car to have the oil changed. Your mother did a great job raising you. Do me a favor, forget the stupid Valentine's day thing and buy yourself new clubs. I understand fully...our anniversary comes every year for Christ's sake. You go hunting with the guys, it's a wonderful stress reliever. Shouldn't you be down at the bar with your buddies? Christ, not the fucking mall again, come on let's go to that new strip joint! Listen, I make enough money for the both of us, why don't you retire and get that nagging handicap down to 7 or 8. You need your sleep ya big silly, now stop getting up for the night feedings. That was a great fart! Do another one! I signed up for yoga so that I can get my ankles behind my head for ya...