There was once a Scotsman and an Englishman who lived next door to each other. The Scotsman owned a hen and each morning would look in his garden and pick up one of his hen's eggs for breakfast. One day he looked outside and saw that the hen had laid an egg in the Englishman's garden. He was about to go next door when he saw the Englishman pick up the egg. The Scotsman ran up to the Englishman and told him that the egg belonged to him because he owned the hen. The Englishman disagreed because the egg was laid on his property. They argued for a while until finally the Scotsman said, "In my family we normally solve disputes by the following actions: I punch you in the nose and note how long it takes you to recover, then you punch me in the nose and note how long it takes for me to recover, whomever recovers quicker wins the egg." The Englishman agreed to this and so the Scotsman held the heaviest object he could find, took a few steps back, then ran toward the Englishman and punched him as hard as he could in the nose. The Englishman fell to the ground and was howling in agony and holding his nose for thirty minutes. Eventually the Englishman stood up and said, "Now it's my turn to punch you." The Scotsman said, "Keep the lousy egg."

The teacher of the Earth Science class was lecturing on map reading. He spent the class explaining about latitude, longitude, degrees, and minutes. Towards the end of class, the teacher asked his students, "Suppose I asked you to meet me for lunch at 23 degrees, 4 minutes north latitude and 45 degrees, 15 minutes east longitude..." A student's voice broke the confused silence, and volunteered, "I guess you'd be eating alone, sir."

A woman goes to her boyfriend's parents' house for dinner. This is her first time meeting the family and she is very nervous. They all sit down and begin eating a fine meal. The woman is beginning to feel a little discomfort, thanks to her nervousness and the broccoli casserole. The gas pains are almost making her eyes water. Left with no other choice, she decides to relieve herself a bit and lets out a dainty little fart. It wasn't loud, but everyone at the table heard the poot. Before she even had a chance to be embarrassed, her boyfriend's father looked over at the dog that had been snoozing at the women's feet, and said in a rather stern voice, "Ginger!" The woman thought, "This is great!" and a big smile came across her face. A couple minutes later, she was beginning to feel the pain again. This time, she didn't hesitate. She let a much louder and longer fart rip. The father again looked at the dog and yelled, "Dammit, Ginger!" Once again the woman smiled and thought, "Yes!" A few minutes later the woman had to let another one rip. This time she didn't even think about it. She let rip a fart that rivaled a train whistle blowing. Again, the father looked at the dog with disgust and yelled, "Dammit, Ginger, get away from her before she shits on you!"

Q: Why do mathematicians, after a dinner at a Chinese restaurant, always insist on taking the leftovers home?A: Because they know the Chinese remainder theorem!

A guy walks into a bar and asks for 1.4 root beers. The bartender says "I'll have to charge you extra, that's a root beer float". The guy says "In that case, better make it a double."

Jewish Dictionary extracts AFIKOMMENTS n. Adult arguing that occurs as children search for hidden Passover matzo. BAGELA n. A gay Jewish baker. BIALY ACHE n. The result of lunch at your mother`s and dinner at your mother-in-law`s. BLINTZKRIEG n. A late-night assault on the refrigerator in search of leftovers even though "I won`t be able to eat for a week!" Particularly common four to six hours after special-occasion gluttony. BUBBEGUM n. Sweets one`s mother gives to her grandchildren that she never gave to her own children. CHUTZPAPA n. A father who wakes his wife at 4 a.m. so she can change the baby`s nappy. DEJA NU n. Having the feeling you`ve seen the same exasperated look on your mother`s face but not knowing exactly when. DISKVELLIFIED vb. To drop out of law school, medical school, or business school, as seen through the eyes of parents, grandparents, and Uncle Sid. (In extreme cases, simply choosing to study art history when Irvine`s son, David, is studying biology, is sufficient grounds for diskvellification.) DISORIYENTA n. When Aunt Sadie gets lost in a department store and strikes up a conversation with everyone she passes. HEBORT vb. To forget all the Hebrew one ever learned immediately after one`s Bar Mitzvah. HEBRUTE n. Israeli after shave. HINDSTEIN n. A Semitic smart-ass. IMPASTA n. Someone who eats leavened foods during Passover while maintaining he/she is observant. JEWBILATION n. Pride in finding out that one`s favourite celebrity is Jewish. JEWDO n. A traditional form of self-defence based on talking one`s way out of a tight spot. KINDERSCHLEP vb. To be called on to car pool more children than one has fingers, in a car that was made in Japan. MAMATZAH BALLS n. Matzo balls that are as good as mother used to make. MATZILATION n. Smashing a piece of matzo to bits while trying to butter it. MEINSTEIN slang. "My son, the genius." MINYASTICS n. Going to incredible lengths to find a tenth person to complete a minyan. MISHPOCHAMARKS n. The assorted lipstick and makeup stains found on one`s face and collar after kissing all one`s aunts and cousins at a reception. RE-SHTETLEMENT n. Moving from Leyton to Edgware and finding all your old neighbours live in the same road as you. SANTASHMANTA n. The explanation Jewish children get for when they celebrate Hanukkah while the rest of humanity celebrates Christmas. SCHLERM n. The wrinkled end of a Blooms salami. SCHMUCKLUCK n. Finding out one`s wife became pregnant after one had a vasectomy. SHOFARSOGUT n. The relief you feel when after many attempts the shofar is finally blown at the end of Yom Kippur. TORAHFIED n. Inability to remember one`s lines when called to read from the Torah at one`s Bar or Bat Mitzvah. TRAYFFIC ACCIDENT n. An appetiser one finds out has pork in it after one has eaten it. YENTILITY n. A deceptively sweet manner used to extract information. Key phrases include "Trust me", "Your secret is safe with me," and "If you can`t tell me, who can you tell?" YIDENTIFY vb. To be able to determine ethnic origins of celebrities even though their names might be St. John, Curtis, Davis, or Taylor.

A guy walks into a bar and asks the bartender if he will give him a free beer if he shows him something amazing. The bartender agrees, so the guys pulls out a hamster, who begins dancing and singing "Tuff Enuff" by the Fabulous Thunderbirds. "That IS amazing!" says the bartender and gives the guy his free beer. "If I show you something else amazing, will you give me another beer?" The bartender agrees, so the guy pulls out a small piano and a hamster and a frog. Now the hamster plays the piano while the frog dances and sings "You Ain't Seen Nothing Yet" by Bachman-Turner Overdrive. The bartender, completely wowed, gives him another beer. A man in a suit, who's been watching the entire time, offers to buy the frog for a princely sum, which the man agrees to. "Are you nuts?" asks the bartender. "You could've made a fortune off that frog." "Can you keep a secret?" asks the man. "The hamster's a ventriloquist."

How does a man show that he is planning for the future? He buys two cases of beer.

Job search My first job was working in an orange juice factory, but I got canned ... couldn`t concentrate. Then I worked in the woods as a lumberjack, but I just couldn`t hack it … so they gave me the axe. After that I tried to be a tailor, but I just wasn`t suited for it … mainly because it was a so-so job. Next I tried working in a Quick Fit Centre, but that was exhausting. I wanted to be a barber, but I just couldn`t cut it. Then I tried to be a chef, figured it would add spice to my life, but I just didn`t have the thyme. Finally, I attempted to be a deli worker, but any way I sliced it, I couldn`t cut the mustard. My best job was being a musician, but eventually I found I wasn`t noteworthy. I studied a long time to become a doctor, but I didn`t have any patients. Next was a job in a shoe factory, I tried but I just didn`t fit in. I became a professional fisherman, but discovered that I couldn`t live on my net income. Thought about becoming a witch, so I tried that for a spell. I managed to get a job working for a swimming pool maintenance company, but the work was just too draining. I got a job at a zoo feeding giraffes, but I was fired because I wasn`t up to it. So then I got a job in a gymnasium, but they said I wasn`t fit for the job. Next, I found being an electrician interesting, but the work was shocking. After years of trying to find work, I finally got a job as an historian, until I realised there was no future in it. My last job was working at Starbucks Coffee, but I had to quit because it was always the same old grind. SO I RETIRED, AND I FOUND I AM A PERFECT FIT FOR THE JOB!

Mrs. Smith`s elderly husband doesn't feel well so she takes him to the dr. Mr. Smith leaves her in the waiting room for a while. Finally the Dr. comes and says, "Mrs. Smith I`m sorry to tell you that your husband is going to die." Mrs. Smith says, "Dr. is there anything I can do?" the Dr. told her "well there is a couple of things you could do: First you could cook him a wonderful dinner every night. Second you could give him a nice back rub every night. Third you could make love to him like you never have before every night." Mrs. Smith says ok. A little while later Mr. Smith comes out and asks Mrs. Smith "what did the Dr. say?" Mrs. Smith says, "I`m sorry honey but you are going to die."

"Filthy, Stinking Rich -- Well, Two Out of Three Ain't Bad" "Real Men Don't Waste Their Hormones Growing Hair" "Upon the Advice of My Attorney, My Shirt Bears No Message at This Time" "That's It! I'm Calling Grandma!" - "Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew Up" "Procrastinate Now" "Rehab Is for Quitters" "My Dog Can Lick Anyone" "I Have a Degree in Liberal Arts -- Do You Want Fries With That?" "Party -- My Crib - Two A: M." "If a woman's place is in the home WHY AM I ALWAYS IN THIS CAR!" "ALL MEN ARE IDIOTS, AND I MARRIED THEIR KING" "A hangover is the wrath of grapes" "STUPIDITY IS NOT A HANDICAP. Park elsewhere!" "They call it "PMS" because "Mad Cow Disease" was already taken" "He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless dead" "POLICE STATION TOILET STOLEN ...Cops have nothing to go on." "HECK IS WHERE PEOPLE GO WHO DON'T BELIEVE IN GOSH" "A PICTURE IS WORTH A THOUSAND WORDS--But it uses up a thousand times the memory." "Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana." "HAM AND EGGS - A day's work for a chicken; A lifetime commitment for a pig." "HARD WORK WILL PAY OFF LATER. LAZINESS PAYS OFF NOW!" "The trouble with life is there's no background music." "The original point and click interface was a Smith & Wesson." "Two rights do not make a wrong. They make an airplane." "MY WILD OATS HAVE TURNED TO SHREDDED WHEAT" "Computer programmers don't byte, they nybble a bit." "Quoting one is plagiarism. Quoting many is research."

Yo momma's like a birthday cake, everybody gets a piece.

Clair Danes' boyfriend, Aussie rocker Ben Lee, showed up at her doorstep for their first date clutching something special. A diamond? Teddy? Breath mints? Nah. The guy had a banana. The actress tells Jane mag: "I told him it was so phallic and bizarre. But he said, " 'No, no, no. I'm just thinking of your health.'"

Tom, Dick and Harry were traveling in the desert. Arriving at a small village they could find nowhere to sleep but a strange inn whose landlord, though willing to take them in for the night, would offer only a bed of fire, a bed of nails, and a bed of fleas. In the morning, they compared notes over breakfast. The bed of fire was awful, said Tom. "Very uncomfortable. I didn`t sleep a wink, and I`m scorched all over. "I had a bad night, too, said Dick. "That bed of nails was dreadful. I`m covered with holes. "I slept fine, declared Harry. "My bed of fleas was no trouble at all. I just killed one flea and all the rest went to the funeral!.

It is illegal to put tomatoes in clam chowder.

Waiter, there's a fly in my soup! Couldn't be, sir. The cook used them all in the raisin bread.

One day, a minister decided that he would visit some members of his congregation at their homes to encourage them and find out how they were doing. After having already visited several members, he arrived at the door of a poor, elderly widow. He rang. She answered, and let him in. He was ushered into the living room where he and the widow sat down and began a casual conversation. After a few minutes into his conversation, he noticed a candy dish, full of peanuts, on the coffee table. Under ordinary circumstances, he would not have asked the question, but it was almost noon, and he hadn't eaten anything since his early breakfast and he was beginning to feel quite hungry. So, he asked the widow, "do you mind if I have some of these nuts?" "Help yourself," she replied. So, he did. Well, they continued chatting, when the minister realized that he had finished all the peanuts in the dish. He felt quite embarrassed for having gotten so carried away in his conversation, that he didn't even think to leave some in the dish for her. So, shamefully, he said to her, "I'm really sorry. It seems that I've eaten all your peanuts - I didn't mean to finish them all. Please forgive me." The poor, elderly widow casually waved her hand at him and said, "Oh, that's quite all right. Since I don't have any teeth, all I can do is suck the chocolate off them anyway!"

Before performing a baptism, the priest approached the young father and said solemnly, "Baptism is a serious step. Are you prepared for it?" "I think so," the man replied. "My wife has made appetizers and we have a caterer coming to provide plenty of cookies and cakes for all of our guests." "I don't mean that," the priest responded. "I mean, are you prepared spiritually?" "Oh, sure," came the reply. "I've got a keg of beer and a case of whiskey."

A woman`s poem He didn`t like my salt beef And he didn`t like my cake. My kichel were too hard... Not like his mother used to make. I didn`t make the borsht right He left the cholent stew. I didn`t wash his gatkes… The way his mother used to do. I pondered for an answer I was looking for a clue. Then I turned around and gave him a potch... Like his mother used to do. (kichel: small round plain biscuit) (cholent: potted meat and vegetables simmered overnight).

A priest at a parochial school wanted to point out the proper behavior for church. He was trying to elicit from the youngsters, rules that their parents might give before taking them to a nice restaurant. "Don't play with your food," one second grader cited. "Don't be loud," said another, and so on... "And what rule do your parents give you before you go out to eat?" the priest inquired of one little boy. Without batting an eye, the child replied, "Order something cheap."