One day in class, the teacher brought a bag full of fruit and said, "Now class, I'm going to reach into the bag and describe a piece of fruit and you tell me which fruit I'm talking about. Alright, the first one is round, plump, and red. Little Johnny raised his hand high but the teacher ignored him and picked Deborah who promptly answered, "Apple." The teacher replied, "No Deborah, it's a beet, but I like your thinking. Now the second one is soft, fuzzy and colored red and brown." Johnny is hopping up and down in his seat trying to get the teacher to call on him but she calls on Billy. "Is it a peach?" Billy asks. "No, it's a potato, but I like your thinking," the teacher replies. "Okay the next one is long, yellow, and fairly hard." Johnny is about to explode as he waves his hand frantically but the teacher calls on Sally who say, "A banana." The teacher responds, "No, it's a squash, but I like your thinking." Johnny is irritated now so he speaks up loudly, "Hey, I've got one for you teacher. Let me put my hand in my pocket. Okay, I've got it. It's round, hard, and it's got a head on it." "Johnny!" she cries, "That's disgusting!" "Nope," answers Johnny, "It's a quarter, but I like your thinking!"

A guy is sitting at a bar, and a drunk dude walks up to him, calling his mom a whore. The first guy just ignores it and stays in his spot drinking his beer. An hour goes by and the drunk dude comes back saying, "Your mom is a whore!" The first guy looks around the bar, sees people staring and says, "Don't worry, everything is cool here," and shrugs it off. After a few more shots, the drunk dude walks up a third time and says, "Your mom... is such... a whore!" The guy finally gets mad, throws his fist on the table and says, "You know what, Dad? Go home!"

An Afghanistan diplomat visiting the US for the first time was being wined and dined by the State Department. The diplomat was not used to the salt in American foods and was constantly sending his manservant Abdul to fetch him a glass of water. Time and again, Abdul would scamper off and return with a glass of water, but then came the time when he returned empty handed. "Abdul, you son of an ugly camel, where is my water?" demanded the diplomat. "A thousand pardons, O Illustrious One," stammered the wretched Abdul, "A man is sitting on the well!"

If a crocodile makes shoes, what does a banana make? Slippers!

Oklahoma City: No one may walk backwards downtown while eating a hamburger.

If you have trouble getting your children's attention, just sit down and look comfortable. You can keep those other breeds of dogs. I got myself a laborer recliner. I called the suicide hot line yesterday and when I told him how much money I lost in the market, he told me to just go ahead. What's the difference between ignorance and apathy? I don't know and I don't care. Beauty is in the eyes of the beer holder. Wouldn't it be great if there was as an "edit undo" button in life? If you are incompetent, don't worry. Just think, in a few years you'll be in upper management! I thought that it was pretty cool when I married Miss Wright; that is until I found out that her first name was Always! No one is ever totally useless. They can always serve as a bad example. I'm 39 years old, and I see absolutely no advantage to growing up! I just checked a height/weight chart and f.

A man walks up to the bar with an ostrich behind him, and as he sits, the bartender comes over, and asks for his order. The man says, "I'll have a beer," and turns to the ostrich. "What about you?" "I'll have a beer too," says the ostrich. The bartender pours the beer and says "That will be $3.40 please," and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out exact change for payment. The next day, the man and ostrich come again, and the man says "I'll have a beer," and the ostrich says, "I'll have the same." Once again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change. This becomes a routine until, late one evening, the two enter again. "The usual?" asks the bartender. "Well, it's close to last call, so I'll have a large scotch" says the man. "Same for me," says the ostrich. "That will be $7.20," says the bartender. Once again the man pulls exact change out of his pocket and places it on the bar. The bartender can't hold back his curiosity any longer. "Excuse me sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change out of your pocket every time?" "Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I just put my hand in my pocket, and the right amount of money will always be there." "That's brilliant " says the bartender. "Most people would wish for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live " "That's right Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there," says the man. The bartender asks, "One other thing, sir, what's with the ostrich?" The man replies "My second wish was for a chick with long legs."

Note to everyone: Please do not give beans to Chuck Norris or do you want another atombomb on hiroshima?

A woman came up behind her husband while he was enjoying his morning coffee and slapped him on the back of the head. "I found a piece of paper in your pants pocket with the name 'Marylou' written on it," she said, furious. "You had better have an explanation." "Calm down, honey," the man replied. "Remember last week when I was at the dog track? That was the name of the dog I bet on."' The next morning, his wife snuck up on him and smacked him again. "What was that for?" he complained. "Your dog called last night."

One year at Christmas, mom went to my sister's house for the traditional feast. Knowing how gullible my sister is, mom decided to play a trick. She told my sister that she needed something from the store. When my sister left, mom took the turkey out of the oven, removed the stuffing, stuffed a Cornish hen, and inserted it into the turkey, then re-stuffed the turkey. She placed the bird back in the oven. When it was time for dinner, my sister pulled the turkey out of the oven and proceeded to remove the stuffing. When her serving spoon hit something, she reached in and pulled out the little bird. With a look of total shock on her face, mother exclaimed, "Patricia, you've cooked a pregnant bird!" At the reality of this horrifying news, my sister started to cry. It took the family two hours to convince her that turkeys lay eggs.

Chuck Norris pisses gold and craps chocolate.

You know you`re a nurse if... You`ve been telling stories in a restaurant and had someone at another table throw up.

Most parents pack lunch for their kids, Chuck Norris packs kids for his lunch.

Two men went into a pub, ordered two beers, took some sandwiches out of their packs and started to eat them. "You can`t eat your own sandwiches in here," complained the pub-owner. The two men stopped, looked at each other and then swapped their sandwiches.

Top 10 Things Heard Outside The New Mel Gibson Movie10. "Hey -- no shoving, Monsignor!"9. "I don`t know why they added subtitles -- everyone speaks Aramaic"8. "I`m hoping my medium Mountain Dew will miraculously be changed into an extra large Mountain Dew"7. "These `Lord of the Ring` films are getting odder and odder"6. "Was this really based on a book?"5. "Twelve dollars for a movie ticket? Now that`s a sin, am I right, people?"4. "The Pope loved it almost as much as "Barber Shop 2`"3. "Uh...I don`t feel like dinner right now."2. "That was awesome when Trump fired Pontius Pilate"1. "Don`t tell me the ending"

A humble little man in a restaurant shyly touched the arm of a man putting on an overcoat. "Excuse me, he said, "but do you happen to be Mr. Williams of Main? "No, I`m not! the man answered with annoyance. "Oh¦er¦well, stutter the little man, "you see, I am, and that`s his overcoat you`re putting on..

A newspaper is a daily marvel, even a miracle. There are 1,730 of them published daily in the United States with a combined circulation of nearly 62 million. Limitless possibilities exist for error, human and mechanical. Add the crushing pressure of deadlines, and it`s surprising there aren`t more mistakes.When goofs do occur, editors scurry to print corrections, even though we often prefer the misprint to the corrected version.Here just a few samples:1. IMPORTANT NOTICE: If you are one of hundreds of parachuting enthusiasts who bought our Easy Sky Diving book, please make the following correction: on page 8, line 7, the words "state zip code" should have read "pull rip cord."2. It was incorrectly reported last Friday that today is T-shirt Appreciation Day. In fact, it is actually Teacher Appreciation Day.3. There was a mistake in an item sent in two weeks ago which stated that Ed Burnham entertained a party at crap shooting. It should have been trap shooting.4.From a California bar association`s newsletter: Correction -- the following typo appeared in our last bulletin: "Lunch will be gin at 12:15 p.m." Please orrect to read "12 noon."5. We apologize to our readers who received, through an unfortunate computer error, the chest measurements of members of the Female Wrestlers Association instead of the figures on the sales of soybeans to foreign countries.6. In Frank Washburn`s March column, Rebecca Varney was erroneously identified as a bookmaker. She is a typesetter.7. There are two important corrections to the information in the update on our Deep Relaxation professional development program. First, the program will include meditation, not medication. Second, it is experiential, not experimental.8. Our article about Jewish burial customs contained an error: Mourners` clothing is rent -- that is, torn -- not rented.9. In the City Beat section of Friday`s paper, firefighter Dwight Brady was misidentified. His nickname in the department is "Dewey." Another firefighter is nicknamed "Weirdo." We apologize for our mistake.10. Just to keep the record straight, it was the famous Whistler`s Mother, not Hitler`s, that was exhibited. There is nothing to be gained in trying to explain how this error occurred.11. Our newspaper carried the notice last week that Mr. Oscar Hoffnagle is a defective on the police force. This was a typographical error. Mr. Hoffnagle is, of course, a detective on the police farce.12. Yesterday we mistakenly reported that a talk was given by a bottle-scared hero. We apologize for the error. We obviously meant that the talk was given by a battle-scarred hero.13. In a recent edition, we referred to the chairman of Chrysler Corporation as Lee Iacoocoo. His real name is Lee Iacacca. The Gazette regrets the error.14. Apology: I originally wrote, "Woodrow Wilson`s wife grazed sheep on front lawn of the White House." I`m sorry that typesetting inadvertently left out the word "sheep."15. In one edition of today`s Food Section, an inaccurate number of jalapeno peppers was given for Jeanette Crowley`s Southwestern chicken salad recipe. The recipe should call for two, not 21, jalapeno peppers.16. The marriage of Miss Freda vanAmburg and Willie Branton, which was announced in this paper a few weeks ago, was a mistake which we wish to correct.

Any fake phone number a girl gave you would automatically forward your call to her real number. Nodding and looking at your watch would be deemed an acceptable response To "I love you." Hallmark would make "Sorry, what was your name again?" cards. When your girlfriend really needed to talk to you during the game, she'd appear in a little box in the corner of the screen during a time-out. Breaking up would be a lot easier. A smack to the backside and a "Nice hustle, you'll get 'em next time" would pretty much do it. Birth control would come in ale or lager. Each year, your raise would be pegged to the fortunes of the NFL Team of your choice. The funniest guy in the office would get to be CEO. At the end of the workday, a whistle would blow and you'd jump out your window and slide down the tail of a brontosaurus and right into your car like Fred Flintstone. It'd be considered harmless fun to gather 30 friends, put on horned helmets, and go pillage a nearby town. Lifeguards could remove citizens from beaches for violating the "public ugliness" ordinance. Tanks would be far easier to rent. Garbage would take itself out. Instead of beer belly, you'd get "beer biceps." Instead of an expensive engagement ring, you could present your wife-to-be with a giant foam hand that said, "You're #1!" Valentine's Day would be moved to February 29th so it would only occur in leap years. On Groundhog Day, if you saw your shadow, you'd get the day off. Mother's Day, too. St. Patrick's Day, however, would remain exactly the same. But it would be celebrated every month. Cops would be broadcast live, and you could phone in advice to the pursuing Cops. Or to the crooks. Regis and Kathie Lee would be chained to a cement mixer and pushed off the Golden Gate Bridge for the most lucrative pay-per-view event in world history. The only show opposite Monday Night Football would be Monday Night Football from a Different Camera Angle. It would be perfectly legal to steal a sports car, as long as you returned it the following day with a full tank of gas. Every man would get four real Get Out of Jail Free cards per year. When a cop gave you a ticket, every smart-aleck answer you responded with would actually reduce your fine. As in: Cop: "You know how fast you were going?" You: "All I know is, I was spilling my beer all over the place." Cop: "Nice one. That's $10 off." The Statue of Liberty would get a bright red, 40-foot thong. People would never talk about how fresh they felt. Daisy Duke shorts would never again go out of style. Telephones would automatically cut off after 30 seconds of conversation.

"What is Pi?"A mathematician: "Pi is the ratio of the circumference of a circle to its diameter."A computer programmer: "Pi is 3.141592653589 in double precision."A physicist: "Pi is 3.14159 plus or minus 0.000005."An engineer: "Pi is about 22/7."A nutritionist: "Pie is a healthy and delicious dessert!"

List of the Funniest Bumper Stickers In America 1. Constipated People Don't Give A shit. 2. That is so five minutes ago! 3. If You Drink Don't Park, Accidents Cause People. 4. Who Lit The Fuse On Your Tampon? 5. If You Don't Believe In Oral Sex, Keep Your Mouth Shut. 6. Please Tell Your Pants Its Not Polite To Point. 7. If That Phone Was Up Your Butt, Maybe You Could Drive A Little Better. 8. My Kid Got Your Honor Roll Student Pregnant. 9. Thank You For Pot Smoking. 10. To All You Virgins: Thanks For Nothing. 11. If At First You Don't Succeed... Blame Someone Else And Seek Counseling. 12. Impotence: Nature's Way Of Saying "No Hard Feelings". 13. If You Can Read This, I've Lost My Trailer. 14. Horn Broken ... Watch For Finger. 15. It's Not How You Pick Your Nose, But Where You Put The Booger. 16. If You're Not A Hemorrhoid, Get Off My Ass. 17. You're Just Jealous Because The Voices Are Talking To Me 18. The Earth Is Full - Go Home 19. I Have The Body Of A God ... Buddha 20. This Would Be Really Funny If It Weren't Happening To Me 21. So Many Pedestrians - So Little Time 22. Cleverly Disguised As A Responsible Adult 23. If We Quit Voting Will They All Go Away? 24. The Face Is Familiar But I Can't Quite Remember My Name 25. Eat Right, Exercise, Die Anyway 26. Illiterate? Write For Help 27. Honk If Anything Falls Off 28. Cover Me I'm Changing Lanes 29. He Who Hesitates Is Not Only Lost But Miles From The Next Exit 30. I Refuse To Have A Battle Of Wits With An Unarmed Person 31. You! Out Of The Gene Pool! 32. I Do Whatever My Rice Krispies Tell Me To 33. Where Are We Going And Why Am I In This Handbasket? 34. If Sex Is A Pain In The Ass, Then You're Doing It Wrong... 38. Fight Crime: Shoot Back! 39. If You Can Read This, Please Flip Me Back Over... 40. Remember Folks: Stop Lights Timed For 35mph Are Also Timed For 70mph. 41. Guys: No Shirt, No Service - Gals: No Shirt, No Charge 42. If Walking Is So Good For You, Then Why Does My Mailman Look Like Jabba The Hut? 43. Necrophilia: That Uncontrollable Urge To Crack Open A Cold One. 44. Ax Me About Ebonics 45. Body By Nautilus; Brain By Mattel 46. Boldly Going Nowhere 47. Cat: The Other White Meat 48. Caution - Driver Legally Blonde 49. Don't Be Sexist - Bitches Hate That 50. Heart Attacks ... God's Revenge For Eating His Animal Friends. 51. Honk If You've Never Seen An Uzi Fired From A Car Window 52. How Many Roads Must A Man Travel Down Before He Admits He is lost? 53. If You Can't Dazzle Them With Brilliance, Riddle Them With Bullets. 54. Money Isn't Everything, But It Sure Keeps The Kids In Touch 55. Saw It ... Wanted It ... Had A Fit ... Got It! 56. My Hockey Mom Can Beat Up Your Soccer Mom. 57. GROW YOUR OWN DOPE --- PLANT A MAN. 58. All Men Are Animals, Some Just Make Better Pets. 59. Some people are only alive because it is illegal to shoot them 60. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke. 61. WANTED: Meaningful overnight relationship. 62. BEER: It's not just for breakfast anymore. 63. So you're a feminist...Isn't that precious. 64. I need someone really bad...Are you really bad? 65. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.