Upon arriving home, a husband was met at the door by his sobbing wife. Tearfully she explained, "It's the druggist. He insulted me terribly this morning on the phone." Immediately the husband drove downtown to confront the druggist and demand an apology. Before he could say more than a few words, the druggist told him, "Now, just a minute, please listen to my side of it... This morning the alarm failed to go off, so I was late getting up. I went without breakfast and hurried out to the car, just to realize that I locked the house with both house and car keys inside. I had to break a window to get my keys. Then, driving a little too fast, I got a speeding ticket. Later, about three blocks from the store, I had a flat tire. When I got to the store there was a bunch of people waiting for me to open up. I opened and started waiting on these people, and all the time the darn phone was ringing off the hook." He continued, "Then I had to break a roll of nickels against the cash register drawer to make change, and they spilled all over the floor. I got down on my hands and knees to pick up the nickels; the phone was still ringing. When I came up I cracked my head on the open cash drawer, which made me stagger back against a showcase with bunch of perfume bottles on it...all of them hit the floor and broke. Meanwhile, the phone is still ringing with no let up, and I finally got to answer it. It was your wife. She wanted to know how to use a rectal thermometer...and, honest mister, all I did was tell her!"

David Letterman presented an hour-by-hour account of a day in the life of Osama bin Laden:7:00 am: "He wakes up and asks his assistant, `Am I still alive?`"8:00 am: "Has a nutritious breakfast of sand and dirt."10:30 am: "He takes his camel in for a tune-up at Mazar-e-Sharif Amoco."11:30 am: "Has trouble opening a jar of peanut butter; declares jihad against Skippy."1:00 pm: "Tae-Bo."1:30 pm: "Records a video demanding America surrender or else he`ll make another video demanding America surrender."2:30 pm: "He`s a celebrity judge at a wet burqa contest."3:00 pm: "Picks Mullah Omar`s name in this year`s Secret Santa drawing."4:00 pm: "Turns on CNN to closely study the moves of his opponents. Gets bored, switches to Oprah."5:00 pm: "Gets scolded for not taking out the trash by wives 3, 8, and 16."9:00 pm: "Plots strategy for upcoming week: cower underground like a spooked rat."12:00 am: "Kiss family goodnight. Kiss ass goodbye"

A Jewish man took his Passover lunch to eat outside in the park. He sat down on a bench and began eating. Since Jews do not eat leavened bread during the eight day holiday, he was eating Matzoh, a flat crunchy unleavened bread that has dozens of perforations. A little while later a blind man came by and sat down next to him. Feeling neighbourly, the Jewish man passed a sheet of matzo to the blind man. The blind man handled the matzo for a few minutes, looked puzzled, and finally exclaimed, "Who wrote this crap?"

A little boy walks up to his father and says, "Dad, what does a pussy look like?" Father responds, "well son, before or after sex?" Son, "Well, before?" Father, "picture a tulip with all the petals son." Son, "well what about after?" Father, "Picture a bull dog eating mayonnaise!"

Two bananas are lying on a river bank when a turd comes floating by. The turd looks over and says, "Hey! Come on in! The water's fine!" One banana turns to the other banana and says, "Do you believe that shit?"

If Microsoft were Jewish: 1. Your PC would shut down automatically on Friday evenings. 2. Your "Start" button would be replaced with a "Let`s go. I`m not getting any younger." button. 3. RETRY would be replaced with "You vant I should try again?" 4. When disconnecting external devices from your PC, instructions would say "Remove from your PC`s tuchis the cable ". 5. Your CD player would be labelled "Nu, so play my music already.". 6. You would hear "Hava Nagila" during startup. 7. SCANDISK prompts you with, "You vant I should fix?" message. 8. When your PC is mult-tasking, you would occasionally hear an "Oy Gevult." 9. Manischewitz would advertise that its "monitor cleaning solution" gets rid of the "schmutz" on your screen. 10. After 20 minutes in an idle state, your PC would go "Schloffen." 11. All computer viruses would be cured with chicken soup. 12. After your computer dies, you would have to dispose of it within 24 hours. 13. Internet Explorer would have a spinning "Star of David" in the upper right corner. 14. A screen saver for channukah will be "Flying Draidles". 15. High capacity DVB`s (digital video bagels) would supercede CD-ROM`s.

What do cows read at the breakfast table? The moospaper!

What did the Buddhist say to the hot dog vendor? "Make me one with everything."

How can you tell the difference between a can of chicken soup and a can of tomato soup? Read the label.

Which dog tastes better when eaten? A hot dog.

The young playboy took a blind date to an amusement park. They went for a ride on the Ferris wheel. The ride completed, she seemed rather bored. "What would you like to do next?" he asked. "I wanna be weighed," she said. So the young man took her over to the weight guessed. "One-twelve," said the man at the scale, and he was absolutely right. Next they rode the roller coaster. After that, he bought her some popcorn and cotton candy, then he asked what else she would like to do. "I wanna be weighed," she said. I really latched onto a square one tonight, thought the young man, and using the excuse he had developed a headache, he took the girl home. The girl's mother was surprised to see her home so early, and asked, "What's wrong, dear, didn't you have a nice time tonight?" "Wousy," said the girl.

The test The Recording Angel needed two new Executive Assistants to help him in the admissions office in Heaven. G-d sent him 3 applicants and the Angel began interviewing them immediately. “I was senior partner in a law firm on earth,” said the first applicant “and I’m sure I could be very helpful to you.” “I’m sure you could,” said the Angel. “I’ve looked over your CV and you certainly have more than enough credentials for the job. But I do have a little test I ask all applicants to take. Would you spell G-d, please?” “A piece of cake,” said the applicant. “G - O - D.” “Fine,” said the Angel, extending his hand, “I’ll be in touch.” The fellow left and the second applicant came in. “I was Chief Executive of a very successful business on earth,” he said. “There were 16,000 people on my payroll. I think I’d make an excellent assistant.” “Your record is certainly impressive,” said the Angel. “And I think I’m going to hire you, but first there’s a little test. Spell G-d.” “G - O - D” said the second applicant. “Great!” said the Angel, shaking his hand. “You’ll be hearing from me.” The man left and the third applicant, a woman, approached the Angel’s desk. “Tell me about yourself,” said the Angel. “On earth,” she said, “I was secretary to one of the most powerful men in Europe. You know, because you know everything, that I did most of the work for which he got credit. I’m certain I could do whatever is required.” “Of course,” said the Angel, “but there’s one little test….” “Oh, please, not a test” said the woman. “I’ve had it rough all my life. Because I’m a woman I had to fight for every promotion I ever got. I had to take lower pay for doing the same job as the men in the office. I was constantly harassed by male chauvinist bosses. I thought it would be different up here. Now I get the feeling that because the job title is Executive Assistant and not Secretary, you don’t want to give me a chance at it.” No, no. Not at all!” said the Angel. “This is just a little test that I give all applicants, regardless of sex.” “All right,” sighed the woman. “Go ahead.” “Spell desuetude, parietals, and chiaroscuro,” said the Angel.

The employees at Taco Bell recently started wearing gloves when preparing the food. Ever wonder if their intentions are to protect their hands from the food they're serving?

A snail goes into a bar and orders a beer. The barman says 'Sorry we don't serve snails' and throws him out. A couple of weeks later the snail goes into the bar again and says... 'What did you do that for!'.

The carpenter I hired to help me restore an old farmhouse had just finished a rough first day on the job. A flat tire made him lose an hour of work, his electric saw quit and now his ancient pickup truck refused to start. While I drove him home, he sat in stony silence. On arriving, he invited me in to meet his family. As we walked toward the front door, he paused briefly at a small tree, touching the tips of the branches with both hands. When opening the door, he underwent an amazing transformation. His tanned face was wreathed in smiles and he hugged his two small children and gave his wife a kiss. Afterward he walked me to the car. We passed the tree and my curiosity got the better of me. I asked him about what I had seen him do earlier. "Oh, that's my trouble tree," he replied. "I know I can't help having troubles on the job, but one thing for sure, troubles don't belong in the house with my wife and the children. So I just hang them up on the tree every night when I come home. Then in the morning I pick them up again. "Funny thing is," he smiled, "when I come out in the morning to pick 'em up, there ain't nearly as many as I remember hanging up the night before." By Author Unknown, from A 4th Course of Chicken Soup for the Soul.

Frank was walking down the street one day, when he runs into his buddy Joe. Joe asks Frank how he's doing and Frank replies, "N-N-Not b-b-bad, b-b-but I've d-d-developed th-th-this s-s-stutter from a c-c-car accident I was r-r-recently involved in. N-N-Now my l-l-love life s-s-sucks, and I c-c-can't f-f-find a j-j-job." Joe tells him of this speech therapist he knows and recommends he go see the guy. Frank agrees and thanks him. A couple of weeks later, they run into each other again and Joe asks Frank how he made out. "Thank you for the referral. He cured me just by making me talk slower. Now I have a good job and I'm engaged to the boss' daughter." "That's excellent! Congratulations!" replied Joe, and off they went their separate ways. Another two weeks or so pass and once again Frank and Joe meet on the street. "Hey, Frank, how's it going?" asks Joe. "Terrible," says Frank. "I'm no longer engaged and I lost my job." "Why? What could have happened in two weeks Frank?" "Well, the other night I was having dinner at the boss' house and the cat was scratching behind his ear. I said 'Look, Honey! That's what you do to me,' but by the time I finished what I was saying the cat was licking his balls."

In ancient Rome, deli workers were told that they could eat anything they wanted during the lunch hour. Anything, that is except the smoked salmon. Thus, were created the world's first anti-lox breaks.

Two brooms were hanging in the closet and after a while they got to know each other so well, they decided to get married. One broom was, of course, the bride broom...and the other the groom broom. The bride broom looked very beautiful in her white dress. The groom broom was handsome and suave in his tuxedo. The wedding was lovely. Afterward, at the wedding dinner, the bride broom leaned over and said to the groom broom, I think I am going to have a little whisk broom! "IMPOSSIBLE!" said the groom broom, "because we haven't even swept together!"

A woman woke her husband in the middle of the night. "There's a burglar downstairs eating the cake that I made this morning." "Who shall I call," her husband asked, "police or ambulance?"

Knock Knock Who's there! Chrysalis! Chrysalis who? Chrysalis the cake for you!