1. So many men, so few who can afford me. 2. God made us sisters; Prozac made us friends. 3. If they don't have chocolate in heaven, I ain't going. 4. At my age, I've seen it all, done it all, heard it all...I just can't remember it all. 5. My Mother Is a travel agent for guilt trips. 6. Princess, having had sufficient experience with princes, seeks frog. 7. Coffee, chocolate, men . . . Some things are just better rich. 8. Don't treat me any differently than you would the Queen. 9. If you want breakfast in bed, sleep in the kitchen. 10. Dinner is ready when the smoke alarm goes off. 11. It's hard to be nostalgic when you can't remember anything. 12. My husband could have had any women he pleased--he just couldn't please any! 13. Guys have feelings too. But like...who cares? 14. Next mood swing: 6 minutes. 15. I used to be schizophrenic, but we're OK now. 16. Warning: I have an attitude and I know how to use it. 17. Of course I don't look busy...I did it right the first time. 18. Do NOT start with me. You will NOT win. 19. You have the right to remain silent, so please SHUT UP. 20. My husband is the head of the household, but I'm the neck . 21. I'm one of those bad things that happen to good people. 22. How can I miss you if you won't go away? 23. Sorry if I looked interested. I'm not. 24. If we are what we eat, I'm fast, cheap and easy. 25. I run things at my house!

Descartes walks in to a bar. The bartender ask if he'd like a beer. Descartes replies, "I think not." Then he disappears.

A Canadian was in France, out of his wallet he removed a stick of gum he had from the airport in Canada, and started to chew it. He walked into a French coffee shop and sat himself beside an English speaking French man. Frenchman: In Canada, what do you do with your used tires? Canadian: We send em to France to get turned into paper plates. French man: What do you do with your used plastic bags? Canadian: We send em to France to get turned into a gold ring. Hey, what do you do with your used comdoms? French man: we send em to Canada to get turned into bubble gum.

Little Johnny watched his Daddy's car pass by the school playground and go into the woods. Curious, Johnny followed the car and saw Daddy and Aunt Jane in a passionate embrace. Little Johnny found this so exciting that he could not contain himself, he ran home and started to tell his mother. "Mommy I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt. Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane . . . ." At this point Mommy cut him off and said, "Johnny this is such an interesting story suppose you save the rest of it for supper time.I want to see the look on Daddy's face when you tell it tonight". At the dinner table Mommy asked little Johnny to tell his story. Johnny started his story, "I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt. Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane and Daddy started doing the same thing that Mommy and Uncle Bill used to do when Daddy was in the Army". Moral: Sometimes you need to listen to the whole story before you interrupt.

If Restaurants Functioned Like ... Patron: Waiter! Waiter: Hi, my name is Bill, and I'll be your Support. Waiter. What seems to be the problem? Patron: There's a fly in my soup! Waiter: Try again, maybe the fly won't be there this time. Patron: No, it's still there. Waiter: Maybe it's the way you're using the soup. Try eating it with a fork instead. Patron: Even when I use the fork, the fly is still there. Waiter: Maybe the soup is incompatible with the bowl. What kind of bowl are you using? Patron: A SOUP bowl! Waiter: Hmmm, that should work. Maybe it's a configuration problem. How was the bowl set up? Patron: You brought it to me on a saucer. What has that to do with the fly in my soup?! Waiter: Can you remember everything you did before you noticed the fly in your soup? Patron: I sat down and ordered the Soup of the Day! Waiter: Ha.

Sometimes when shit happens, you want to be able to articulate the experience more than just you've, taken a shit. Here are some shit definitions to help you explain the situation better to your friends and family... Ghost Shit You know you've shit. There's shit on the toilet paper, but no shit in the bowl. Teflon Coated Shit Comes out so slick, clean and easy that you don't feel it. No traces of shit on the toilet paper, you have to look in the bowl to be sure you did it! Gooey Shit This has the consistency of hot tar. You wipe your arse 12 times and it still doesn't come clean. You end up putting toilet paper in your underwear so you don't stain it. This shit leaves permanent skid marks in the toilet. Second Thought Shit You're all done wiping your arse and you're about to stand up when you realize it...you've got some more. Pop a Vein in Your Forehead Shit This kind is the kind of shit that killed Elvis. It doesn't come until you're all sweaty, trembling and purple from straining so hard. Right Now Shit You better be within 10 seconds of a toilet. Usually it has its head out before you get your pants down. King Kong or Commode Choker Shit This shit is so big that you know it won't go down the toilet unless you break it into smaller chunks. A coat hanger works well. This kind of shit usually happens at someone else's house. Wet Cheeks Shit This shit hits the water sideways and makes a BIG splash that gets your arse wet. Wish Shit You sit there all cramped up and fart a few times, but no shit! Snake Shit This shit is fairly soft and about as big around as your thumb and at least three feet long. Cork Shit Even after the third flush, it's still floating in there. My god! How do I get rid of it? This shit usually happens at someone else's house. Mexican Food Shit You'll know it's alright to eat again when your arsehole stops burning. Beer Drunk Shit This happens the day after the night before. Normally your shit doesn't smell too bad, but this shit is BAD. Usually there's somebody standing outside to use the toilet. This kind of shit also usually happens at someone else's house. The Frightened Turtle The kind of shit that just pokes its head out then quickly goes back in The Bungee Shit The kind of shit that just hangs off your arse before it falls into the water. The Ring of Fire Shit The kind of shit where you eat really spicy food and your arsehole feels like the inside of a cigarette lighter. The Crippler The kind of shit where you have to sit on the toilet so long your legs go numb from the waist down. The Big Bobber The kind of shit that no matter how many times you flush it always floats back to the surface. The Shitty Shitty Bang Bang The kind of shit that hits you when you're trapped in your car in a traffic jam. The Incredible Hulk Shit The king of shit that sits in the toilet overnight and mysteriously expands to twice it's normal size. The Jack the Ripper Shit The kind of shit that yanks out the hair of your arse as it pushes its way out. The Party Pooper The giant shit you take at a party. And when you flush the toilet, you watch in horror as the water starts to rise. Dirty Bowl Shit The kind of shit that comes out in a million pieces a second, reminiscent of an avalanche - but with rocket propulsion, and splatters all over the toilet bowl. The Windy City Shit When you sit down, and fart for so long and hard that you no longer need to take a shit. Oh Shit! Shit You shit so much and wipe your arse so furiously you run out of toilet paper and you say OH SHIT! The Never Ending Shit It's the shit that keeps running out of your arse like pee, and just when you start wiping your arse your stomach gargles and splash, more shit runs out. This always happens after eating at Kentucky Fried Chicken. Ouch That Hurt Shit The type of shit that leaves you feeling like you just hopped onto a bicycle without a seat. Sensation usually lasts hours.

What’s ethics? [My thanks to Jean Reed for the following joke] Issy was the proud co-owner of the local dry cleaners. One day, during dinner, whilst he was finishing his chicken soup, his 9year old son Sam asked, "Dad, what’s ethics?" Issy thought for a while, put down his spoon, looked at Sam and replied, "Okay, let`s suppose someone comes into my shop and gives me his business suit to dry clean. Then suppose I find a £20 note in his trouser pocket?" Sam looked expectantly at his father. "So," Issy said, "to answer your question, Sam, do I tell my partner I found the money? That`s ethics".

Lena once had two chickens. One of them got terribly sick. So she killed the other one to make soup to get the first one well again.

If you're going to regret this in the morning, we can sleep until the afternoon. All those curves, and me with no brakes. Do you know the difference between a hamburger and a blow job? No!? Wanna do lunch? Are your legs tired? You've been running through my mind all day long. Can I borrow a quarter? I want to call my mom and tell I just met the girl of my dreams. Do you believe in love at first sight, or should I walk by again? A woman asks, "Excuse me, do you have the time?" Man answers, "Yes, do you have the energy?" Can I have directions to your heart? Can I have your phone number? I seem to have lost mine. Do you want to see something really swell? Your hair is perfectly pH balanced. Do you have a quarter? My mother told me to call home when I met the girl of my dreams. Do you have a mirror in your pocket? 'Cause I could see myself in your pants. I'll cook you dinner if you cook me breakfast. Do you sleep on your stomach? Can I? Do you want to go out for a pizza and a screw? What, you don't like pizza? At the office copy machine "Reproducing eh?" "Can I help?" Ask: "Do you know what winks and screws like a tiger?" Wink. Ever tried those weird prickly condoms? I made you come with one finger, imagine what I could do with my whole hand. If I gave you a sexy negligee, would there be anything in it for me? Excuse me, do you want to screw, or should I apologize? Are you free tonight, or will it cost me? I think I could fall madly in bed with you. Forget that. Playing doctor is for kids. Let's play gynecologist. Hey baby, can I tickle your belly from the inside? Here's a quarter...call your roommate and tell her you won't be coming home tonight. Hey baby, let's go back to my place and get something straight between us. I hope you know CPR, cuz you take my breath away! Hi, do you know why you should masturbate with these two fingers? Because they're mine. How about you sit on my lap and we'll see what pops up? So... How am I doing? I go down on the first date, how about you? I have had a really bad day and it always makes me feel better to see a pretty girl smile. Would you smile for me? I like every bone in your body, especially mine. I looked up beautiful in the thesaurus today, and your name was there. I may not be Fred Flintstone, but I bet I can make your Bed Rock. Can I buy you a drink, or do you just want the money? I miss my teddy bear. Would you sleep with me? Do you like short love affairs? I hate them. I've got all weekend. There are 265 bones in the human body. How would you like one more? I think we must make love on the front lawn like crazed weasels. I want to melt in your mouth, not in your hand. I wish you were a Pony Carousel outside Wal-Mart, so I could ride you all day long for a quarter. I'm a bird watcher and I'm looking for a Big Breasted Bed Thrasher, have you seen one? I'm a necrophiliac, how good are you at playing dead? I'm like American Express; you don't want to leave home without me. I'm new in town, could I have directions to your house? If I could rearrange the alphabet, I'd put U and I together. If I told you that you had a beautiful body, would you hold it against me? Excuse me, ma'am, is that dress felt? Would you like it to be? If you cut your arms off, you'd look just like Venus de Milo. If you were a car, I would wax you and ride you all over town. If you were a new hamburger at McDonald's, you would be McGorgeous. If your left leg was Thanksgiving and your right leg was Christmas, could I spend some time between the holidays? Inheriting eighty million bucks doesn't mean much when you have a weak heart. Is it hot in here or is it just you? Excuse me, miss, do you give head to strangers? No? Well, then, allow me to introduce myself. Is that a tic-tac in your pocket or are you just glad to see me? Is your daddy a thief? Then how did he steal the sparkle of the stars and put it in your eyes? Just call me milk; I'll do your body good. Let's go to my place and do the things I'll tell everyone we did anyway. Miss, if you've lost your virginity, can I have the box it came in? My love for you is like the Energizer bunny with its batteries in backwards: it keeps coming and coming. Hi, my name is . That's so you'll know what to scream. Nice dress, can I talk you out of it? Nice shoes. Want to screw? Oh, I'm sorry, I thought that was a Braille name tag. Pardon me, but what pickup line works best with you? Pull my finger. Roses are red, violets are blue, I like spaghetti, let's go screw. Screw me if I'm wrong, but don't you want to kiss me? Screw me if I'm wrong, but is your name Yolanda? That outfit would look great in a crumpled heap on my bedroom floor tomorrow morning. That shirt looks very becoming on you, but if I were on you, I'd be coming too. The fact that I'm missing my teeth just means that there's more room for your tongue. The first time is always the hardest. The word of the day is legs. Let's go back to my place and spread the word. Want to play carnival? That's where you sit on my face and I try to guess your weight. Was your dad a farmer? Cause you sure have great melons. Would you like Gin and platonic, or do you prefer Scotch and sofa? You don't want to dance? I guess a screw is out of the question. You know what would look good on you? Me. I'd really love to screw your brains out, but it appears someone beat me to it. Do you wash your panties with Windex? Because I can really see myself in them. You look like a girl that has heard every line in the book, so what's one more going to hurt? You might not be the best looking girl here, but beauty is only a light switch away. You must be from Pearl Harbor, cause baby you're the bomb. You must be Jamaican, because Jamaican me crazy. You must be jelly, cause jam don't shake like that. You've got the whitest teeth I've ever come across. Your body's name must be Visa, because it's everywhere I want to be. Your daddy must have been a baker, because you've got a nice set of buns. Your underwear must be made out of Windex, because I can see myself in them tonight.

What will a monster eat in a restaurant? The waiter.

Waiter, there is a bee in my alphabet soup! Yes sir, and I'm sure there is an A, C and all the other letters too!

Straight from L.A: Collards is green, my dog's name is Blue and I'm so lucky to have a sweet thang like you. Yore hair is like cornsilk a-flapping in the breeze. Softer than Blue's and without all them fleas. You move like the bass, which excite me in May. You ain't got no scales but I luv you anyway. Yo're as satisfy'n as okry jist a-fry'n in the pan. Yo're as fragrant as "snuff" right out of the can. You have some'a yore teeth, for which I am proud; I hold my head high when we're in a crowd. On special occasions, when you shave under yore arms, well, I'm in hawg heaven, and awed by yore charms. Still them fellers at work, they all want to know, what I did to deserve such a purdy, young doe. Like a good roll of duct tape yo're there fer yore man, to patch up life's troubles and fix what you can. Yo're as cute as a junebug a-buzzin' overhead. You ain't mean like those far ants I found in my bed. Cut from the best cloth like a plaid flannel shirt, you spark up my life more than a fresh load of dirt. When you hold me real tight like a padded gunrack, my life is complete; Ain't nuttin' I lack. Yore complexion, it's perfection, like the best vinyl sidin'. despite all the years, yore age, it keeps hidin'. Me 'n' you's like a Moon Pie with a RC cold drank, we go together like a skunk goes with stank. Some men, they buy chocolate for Valentine's Day; They git it at Wal-Mart, it's romantic that way. Some men git roses on that special day from the cooler at Kroger. "That's impressive," I say. Some men buy fine diamonds from a flea market booth. "Diamonds are forever," they explain, suave and couth. But for this man, honey, these won't do. Cause yor'e too special, you sweet thang you. I got you a gift, without taste nor odor, more useful than diamonds... IT'S A NEW TROLL'N MOTOR! Luv, from yor romeo.

Why did they let the turkey join the band? Because it had the drumsticks. What did the big watch hand say to the small hand? "Got a minute?" Where do you go to replace a missing chess piece? To the Pawn Shop What’s faster: heat or cold? Heat because you can catch a cold. How do you fix a broken tomato? With tomato paste! What did Paul Revere say when he finished his famous ride? "Whoa!". You can tune a piano, but how do you tuna fish? You play on its scales. Why was the expert in the pretzel factory fired? He tried to straighten things out. Why don’t you take the bus home today? I can’t. My mother will make me take it back. What is the most important part of a horse? The mane part. What is Everyone in the world doing at the same time? Growing old.

When people get behind the wheel of a car, their true personality comes out. In California, the Department of Motor Vehicles knows this. Anyone can get a drivers license in California, I mean ANYONE! But to get a license to drive in Los Angeles, California, one must get a special endorsement on their license. Would you qualify for that special endorsement? Take this test, total your score and see.1: Which part of your car wears out most often'a: the wiper bladesb: the beltsc: the horn2: Automatic door locks are good for...a: securityb: conveniencec: messing with the heads of people trying to get in3: I hate the rain because...a: it lowers visibility and makes for less safe conditionsb: I answered to question #1c: I just washed my car4: Please select the statement that best describes you.a: I have never written in the dust on someone`s carb: I have written "wash me" in the dust on someone`s carc: I have drawn genitalia in the dust on someone`s car5: The "bright" setting on your headlights is for...a: dark, poorly lit roadsb: flashing to get the car ahead to move out of the wayc: revenge!6: I have enough power in my car stereo system to...a: get it loud enough to drown out road noiseb: get it headbanging loud for my Metallica CDc: cause permanent hearing loss to anyone within ten feet7: How many times have you been pulled over for speeding in the last year'a: zero or one, because I`m generally a safe driverb: two or three, because I`ve had some unlucky breaksc: before or after they took my license away?8: What hand gesture do you use most while driving'a: "go ahead"b: "thank you"c: "@#!*&%^!"9: When a bicyclist is next to you, you should...a: be aware of themb: speed up and get past themc: open the door10: Your rear view mirror is for...a: watching for approaching carsb: watching for approaching police carsc: checking your hair11: If you are driving and you begin to feel very sleepy, you should...a: pull off to the side of the road and restb: stop at the next convenience mart and get a liter of coffee or Mountain Dewc: drive faster12: The Highway Patrol exists to...a: ensure the safety of all motoristsb: issue as many tickets as possiblec: keep donut shops in business13: You are supposed to signal a turn or lane change...a: 50 feet priorb: 25 feet priorc: right after you do it14: If I had a lot of money, I`d spend it on...a: a minivanb: a really cool sports car or 4-wheelerc: bail15: The best thing about a chauffered limousine is...a: I don`t have to driveb: I can stretch out, relax, and have a drinkc: leaning out the open sunroof and shouting at peopleScoring The Quiz:Give yourself one point for every A, two for every B, and three for every C. Total up the points and compare it to the list below.15-24 PointsYou`re a good driver. You watch the speed limit, remain calm, and observe not only the rules of the road, but also the etiquette. And since you drive so safely and so politely, in just about any city, you`ll live a long time. Long enough to drive slower and slower with each passing decade until you`re one of those old people in a big car, going ten miles under the speed limit in the fast lane and pissing all the rest of us off. Except in Los Angeles, of course, where the properterm for you is "road kill". You, do not qualify to drive in Los Angeles. Please leave the city immediately!25-35 PointsHey! Joe Average! In just about any city you`re considered a decent driver without being boring. You get where you`re going fast without too much danger. In fact, you`re the type of person we all like to ride with... Well, all of us except your mother, because "you`re going too fast! Watch out for that car in front of you!You`re going to kill us all!" In Los Angeles, the proper term for you is "survivor". Complete the application below, it will be reviewed and you will be notified by mail.36-45 PointsCongratulations, you qualify as a real L.A: driver. Complete the Application from below, then pick up your cell phone, grab some extra ammo, jump in your BMW and head for the freeways. Remember it is you against all those crazy drivers! You earn the title of "Victor"!

Amathophobia: The fear of dust. Anananany: The inability to stop spelling 'banana' once you've started. Anatidaephobia: The fear that wherever you are, a duck is watching! Androphobia: The fear of men. Angoraphobia: The fear of soft sweaters and rabbits. Anthropophobia: The fear of human beings. Archibutyrophobia: The fear of peanut butter sticking to the roof of your mouth. Eonaphobics: The fear of transvestites. Friendorphobia: The fear of being asked "Who goes there?" Friggaphobics: People who fear Fridays. Genuphobia: The fear of knees. Graphophobia: The fear of writing. Heortophobia: The fear of holidays. Iophobia: The fear of rust. Katagelophobia: The fear of ridicule. Lyssophobia: The fear of insanity. Peniaphobia: The fear of poverty. Phobaphobia: The fear of fear itself. Phobia: What you have left over after you drink two out of a 6-pack. Phronemophobia: The fear of thinking. Pognophobia: The fear of beards. Quadriphobia: The fear of 4-way stops and not knowing who goes next.

A man goes to a restaurant and orders a chicken dish. By the time the food is ready and he is about to eat, the waiter comes back and says, "Sir, I'm afraid there has been a mistake. You see, that police officer who is sitting at the next table is a regular customer of ours and he usually orders the same dish. The problem is, this is the last chicken in the house. I'm afraid I'll have to take this dish to him and arrange for another dish for you!" The guy gets really upset and refuses to give up his food. The waiter walks over to the other table and explains the situation to the officer. A few minutes later the officer walks over to the man's table and says, "Listen and listen good. That is MY chicken you are about to eat and I'll warn you, whatever you do to that chicken I'll do the same to you. You pull out one of its legs, I'll pull out one of yours. You break one of its wings, I'll break one of your arms!" The man calmly looks at the chicken, then sticks his middle finger in the bird's rectum, pulls it out and licks it. He then gets up, drops his pants, bends over and says, "Your turn!"

Chuck Norris doesn't prepare dinner; dinner knows when to be ready.

I’ve lost my appetite Two little old ladies, Gertrude and Zelda, were sitting on a park bench near Golders Green having a serious conversation. "Gertrude," said Zelda, "I don`t understand something. I simply have no appetite lately. No matter how much I try to eat, I have no appetite." Gertrude said, "Listen Zelda, my doctor, the lovely Doctor Myers, once told me that if I didn`t have an appetite I should take a little piece of herring before meals and I would soon get an appetite. So I tried it and it was true. So take my advice, Zelda and try a little piece of herring before lunch and you`ll see, you`ll develop an appetite." A few days later the two meet again in the park. "Nu, Zelda, how do you feel now? Did the herring give you an appetite?" Zelda sighed, "I took your advice. First I had a little piece of herring. Then I had a whole herring. I really wanted to give it a chance, so I ate six herrings. But Gertrude, your advice didn`t work for me. Would you believe, when lunch time came, I had absolutely no appetite!"

A new chef from India was fired a week after starting the job. He keep favoring curry.

Two little kids, aged six and eight, decide it's time to learn how to swear. So, the eight-year-old says to the six-year-old, "Okay, you say `ass' and I'll say `hell'". All excited about their plan, they troop downstairs, where their mother asks them what they'd like for breakfast. "Aw, hell," says the eight-year-old, "gimme some Cheerios." His mother backhands him off the stool, sending him bawling out of the room, and turns to the younger brother. "What'll you have?" "I dunno," quavers the six-year-old, "but you can bet your ass it ain't gonna be Cheerios."