A man enters a store and says: "15 litres of wine please." "Did you bring a container for this?" "You're speaking to it."

One friend to another "I think my wife is trying to tell me something, "She keeps wrapping my sandwiches in a road map!.

The local courtroom was packed as testimony began in the sentencing hearing of a woman convicted of murdering her husband of 20 years by poisoning his coffee. The defense attorney knew he had his work cut out for him trying to make his client appear more sympathetic to the Judge, especially since she had been so "matter-of-fact" about the whole thing all during the trial. "Mrs. Roth," he began, "was there any point that morning where you felt pity for your husband?" "Well... yeah... I guess..." she replied. "And when was that?" pressed the attorney. "Well...," she replied, "when he asked for his third cup."

Q: What kind of key opens a banana? A: A monkey.

Three pastors from different congregations were having lunch and sharing experiences and ideas to help each other out with their different fellowships. After several minutes of animated conversation, the first one remarks, "Hey, you know, we've got a serious problem at our church that I want to discuss with you guys." The other two pastors nod and he goes on, "Well, it's bats. We can't seem to get these bats out of our attic. The singing and organ playing wake them up, and they start flapping around. Then when I start to preach, we can still hear them moving around up there and it's really hard for anyone to pay any attention. The kids start to cry and, well, it's starting to really get in the way of a good church service." The second pastor says "Well that's interesting, because we've had the same problem, they won't stay out of our belfry. We've tried ringing the bells at all hours, spraying chemicals, we've even had a couple of exterminator companies out. Nothing's worked yet." He throws up his hands in exasperation and shakes his head. The third pastor smiles and nods his head knowingly. "Well, gentlemen. We had that problem a few years ago, and we found a quick solution." he says. The other two pastors look up with hope on their faces, and he goes on, "It was easy. We got up there, got to know 'em a little bit. Pretty soon we had them come on down, got 'em baptized and part of the congregation. Haven't seen 'em since."

Yo momma is so stupid she ate her food stamps.

A dietician was once addressing a large audience in Chicago. "The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Vegetables can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the germs in our drinking water. But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all of us eat it. Can anyone here tell me what lethal product I'm referring to? You, sir, in the first row, please give us your idea." The man lowered his head and said, "Wedding cake."

A waitress walks up to the table of three Japanese men at a New York City restaurant. When she gets to the table, the waitress notices that the 3 men are furiously masturbating! She asks, "What the hell are you perverts doing?", to which one of the men replied, "We all berry hungry"! She responds, "But why are you whacking off?" One of the three says, "Because menu say `first come, first served!"

The restaurant where I took my two sons for a meal was crowded with fans watching a sporting event on television. The harried waitress took our order, but more than half an hour passed with no sign of her return. I was trying to keep my kids from becoming restless when suddenly, shouts of victory came from the bar. "Hey," commented my 11-year-old, "it sounds as if someone just got his food."

Patron: How come this fly is swimming in my soup? Waiter: I gave you too much. It should be wading.

Less-Known Computer Languages Basic-Fortran-Cobol... These programming languages are well known and well loved throughout the computer industry. There are numerous other languages however that are less well known yet still have ardent devotees. In fact these little -known languages generally have the most fanatic admirers. For those who wish to know more about these obscure languages - and why they are obscure - I present the following catalog. SIMPLE ... SIMPLE is an acronym for Sheer Idiot's Mono Purpose Programming Lingusitic Environment. This language developed at the Hanover College for Technological Misfits was designed to make it impossible to write code with errors in it. The statements are therefore confined to BEGIN-END- and STOP. No matter how you arrange the statements you can't make a syntax error. Programs written in SIMPLE do nothing useful.Thus they achieve the results of programs written in other languages without the tedious frustrating process of testing and debugging. SLOBOL ... SLOBOL is best known for the speed or lack of it of its compiler. Although many compilers allow you to take a coffee break while they compile SLOBOL compilers allow you to take a trip to Bolivia to pick up the coffee. Forty-three programmers are known to have died of boredom sitting at their terminals while waiting for a SLOBOL program to compile. Weary SLOBOL programmers often turn to a related (but infinitely faster) language...COCAINE. VALGOL ... (With special thanks to Dan and Betsy "Moon Unit" Pfau) - From its modest beginnings in southern California's San Fernando Valley VALGOL is enjoying a dramatic surge of popularity across the industry. VALGOL commands include REALLY- LIKE - WELL and YAKNOW. Variables are assigned with the =LIKE and =TOTALLY operators.Other operators include the "CALIFORNIA BOOLEANS" FERSURE and NOWAY. Repetitions of code are handled in FOR-SURE loops. Here is a sample VALGOL program . 14 LIKE-YAKNOW START . %% IF . PI A =LIKE BITCHEN AND . 01 B =LIKE TUBULAR AND . 9 C =LIKE GRODY**MAX . 4K **2 . 18 THEN . 4I FOR I=LIKE 1 TO OH MAYBE 100 . 86 DO WAH + . 9 BARF =TOTALLY GROSS . -17 SURE . 1F LIKE BAG THIS PROGRAM .? REALLY . $$ LIKE TOTALLY VALGOL is characterized by its unfriendly error messages. For example when the user makes a syntax error the interpreter displays the message GAG ME WITH A SPOON! LAIDBACK ... Historically VALGOL is a derivative of LAIDBACK which was developed at the Marin County Center for T'ai Chi Mellowness and Computer Programming as an analternative to the more intense atmosphere in nearby silicon valley. The center was ideal for programmers who liked to soak in hot tubs while they worked. Unfortunately few programmers could survive there for long since the center outlawed pizza and RC Cola in favor of bean curd and Perrier. Many mourn the demise of LAIDBACK because its reputation as a gentle and nonthreatening language. For example LAIDBACK responded to syntax errors with the message SORRY MAN I CAN'T DEAL WITH THAT. SARTRE ... Named after the late existential philosopher.SARTRE is an extremely unstructured language. Statements in SARTRE have no purpose they are just there. Thus SARTRE programs are left to define their own functions. SARTRE programmers tend to be boring and depressed and are no fun at parties. FIFTH ... FIFTH is a precision mathematical language in which the data types refer to quantity. The data types range from CC-OUNCE -SHOT and JIGGER to FIFTH LITER-MAGNUM and BLOTTO. Commands refer to ingredients such as CHABLIS-CHARDONNAY- CABERNET-GIN-VERMOUTH-VODKA-SCOTCH and WHATEVERSAROUND. The many versions of the FIFTH language reflect the sophistication and financial status of its users. Commands in the ELITE dialect include VSOP and LAFITE while commands in the GUTTER dialect include HOOTCH and RIPPLE. The latter is a favorite of frustrated FORTH programmers who end up using the language. C-...This language was named for the grade received by its creater when he submitted it as a class project in a graduate programming class. C- is best described as a 'Low Level' programming language. In fact the language generally requires more C- statements than machine-code statements to execute a given task. In this respect it is very similar to COBOL. LITHP ... This otherwise unremarkable language is distinguished by the absence of an "s" in its character set. Programmers and users must substitute"TH". LITHP is said to be useful in prothething lithtth. DOGO ... Developed at the Massachussettes Institute of Obedience Training. DOGO heralds a new era of computer literate pets. DOGO commands include SIT STAY-HEEL and ROLL OVER. An innovative feature of DOGO is 'PUPPY GRAPHICS' in which a small cocker spaniel occasionally leaves a deposit as he travels across the screen.

Homosexuality is wrong because it is unnatural. Now, lets learn about a man born of virgin birth, that healed lepers and blind people with his hands, walked on water, turned water into wine, and how all the wrong in the world happened because a rib ate an apple because a talking snake told her to.

I work at a local fast food joint. It cracks me up when a fat ass customer orders a quadruple stacked cheeseburger, with extra sauce, a ton of extras, extra large fries with extra sauce, and then orders a small diet coke.

There are three friends who are sitting in a diner having lunch. On the table is a glass with some water. One of the friends who is an optimist says the glass is half full. The second friend who is a pessimist says the glass is half empty. The third friend who is a plumbing engineer says the glass is too small.

Q: Why do builders have clear lunch boxes? A: So they know whether they are going home or going to work!

Two foreign nuns have just arrived in the USA by boat and one says to the other, "I hear that the people of this country actually eat dogs." "Odd," her companion replies, "but if we shall live in America, we might as well do as the Americans do." Nodding emphatically, the Mother Superior points to a hot dog vendor and they both walk towards the cart. "Two dogs, please," she says. The vendor is only too pleased to oblige and he wraps both hot dogs in foil and hands them over the counter. Excited, the nuns hurry over to a bench and begin to unwrap their "dogs." The Mother Superior is first to open hers. She begins to blush and then, staring at it for a moment, leans over to the other nun and whispers cautiously, "What part did you get?"

A sandwich walks into a bar. The barman says?Sorry, we don?t serve food in here.?

A wife was in the kitchen making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband. Suddenly , her husband burst into the kitchen. ?Careful,? he said,?CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my gosh! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my gosh! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful. CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt! USE THE SALT! THE SALT!? The wife stared at him.?What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs? The husband calmly replied,?I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving.

What is the easiest way to make a banana split? Cut it in half.

There`s a Jewish man and a Chinese man both sitting in a restaurant. Out of nowhere, the Jewish man knocks the Chinese man off his seat. The Chinese man shouts, "What that for?" The Jewish man replies, "Pearl Habor." The Chinese man looks confused and says, "I`m Chinese NOT Japanese!" The Jewish man replies, "Chinese japanese all the same to me." About an hour passes when the Chinese man leaves his seat and knocks the Jewish man off his chair. The Jewish man asks, "Was that for hitting you?" "No," he says, "It`s for the Titanic disaster." The Jewish man says "Titanic?" The Chinese man replies, "Iceberg, Goldberg, all the same to me!"