What is the title of the new Vietnamamese cookbook? 100 way to wok your dog.

Walking down the street one day, a woman heard a voice yell, 'stop! If you take one more step, you will be killed. The woman stopped and seconds later a brick fell and landed in her path. A minute later or two, she was ready to cross the street when the same voice bellowed 'halt! Don`t cross the street now'. An out-of-control beer truck soon screeched around the corner and didn't even slowdown as it ran the red light. Shaken, the woman asked out loud, "who are you?" 'I am your guardian angel' replied the voice. 'And I imagine you have some questions for me" 'You bet I do', the woman said. 'Where were you on my wedding day?'.

Chuck Norris can bake a cake in the Freezer.

A tourist is in Spain, and goes to a fancy restaurant for dinner. As he looks around, he notices a diner being served a beautifully garnished dish with two gigantic meatballs in the middle. When the waiter asks him for his order, the man asks him about the meatball dish. The waiter explains that the meatballs are bull's testicles, and when the bull loses the bullfight, the bull is brought to the restaurant, and this beautiful dish is made. The diner tells the waiter that he wants the bulls testicles for dinner, but the waiter tells him that only one bull a day is brought to the restaurant, but he can have it tommorrow. The diner agrees. The next day the diner goes to the restaurant, and orders the testicle dish. When his food is brought out, he notices that the meatballs are extremely small. He mentions this to the waiter, and the waiter replies, ''Well sir you have to understand, sometimes the bull wins''.

You know you are addicted to coffee if ... You walk twenty miles on your treadmill before you realize it`s not plugged in.

The doctor and his wife were having a heated argument at breakfast. As he stormed out of the house, the man angrily yelled to his wife, "You aren't that good in bed either!" By midmorning, he decided he'd better make amends and phoned home. After many rings, his wife, clearly out of breath, answered the phone. "What took you so long to answer and why are you panting?" "I was in bed." "What in the world are you doing in bed at this hour?" "Getting a second opinion."

A Mother`s Resolutions1. When I forget to go to the grocery store, I will not boil the macaroni necklaces my children made for me in preschool.2. When I hear one of my children wake in the middle of the night, I will run upstairs to supervise before he relieves himself in the sink and then creeps into the bathtub to return to sleep.3. I will pack the kids` lunch boxes the night before so I don`t throw in a slab of frozen lasagna as they`re running for the bus. "It`ll defrost by lunch. If not, you can suck it like an ice pop."4. I will resist the urge to explain to strangers why my son is wearing winter boots, a bathing suit bottom, and an inside-out and backward pajama top. I will be grateful that he is able to dress himself.5. I will not tell my children that the Play-Doh dried up just because I don`t feel like cleaning up after they use it, even though I know it means I`ll spend the evening harvesting the colored stuff from the carpet fibers, chair cushions and the dog`s fur.6. I will always protect the rights of my children, especially their right to remain silent.7. I will learn to accept the outbursts and tantrums as a part of life. After all, I promised to love my husband for better or worse.8. When my husband and I go to a restaurant without the kids, I will not roll up his sleeves or move the knives from his reach. I will not accompany him to the bathroom and remind him to wash his hands with soap. If my husband wants dessert at the end of the meal, I will not tell him it depends on his behavior.9. When I`m tired of hearing "mommieeeeee!" a thousand times each day, I will resist changing my name to "Please pass the spinach" or "TV is boring, I`d rather read."10. I will develop an ability to have a conversation with an adult that doesn`t revolve around labor pains or children`s toilet habits. I will feel comfortable in the silence that ensues when neither of us can think of any other topic to discuss or remember we can always discuss the weather.11. I will be more flexible about children`s nutritional requirements by counting the ketchup and green crayon as vegetables.12. When my children beg for a pet, I will buy them each a hutch for the dust bunnies that have multiplied under their beds. I will let them name each dust bunny.13. I will count how often I repeat the phrase "You`d better listen because I will not repeat myself", until my children actually notice that I have spoken. I will not raise my voice until I have said it at least that many times.14. When my kids are older , I will explain why they never have any chocolate candy left after Mommy and Daddy "check" their Halloween bags.15. I will be a good, fair and loving parent to my children. I will provide them with enriching experiences and opportunities. I will give them a solid foundation on which to build a useful life. After all, they may eventually be responsible for choosing a nursing home for me to live out my final days.

Q: What do you call a woman who can balance 4 pints of beer on her head? A: Beatrix.

Little Johnny came home from school and heard the word "b*tch." He asks his mom what the word meant and she responds, "It means priest." The next day little Johnny comes home and hears the word "sh*t" and asks his dad what it means. His dad answers, "It means food on the table." At school, he hears the word "f*cking" and asks his mom what it means. She responds, "It means getting ready." The next day a priest came over for dinner and little Johnny opened the door and says, "Hey son of a b*tch. There's sh*t on the table and my parents are upstairs f*cking!"

A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office. After his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone. He said, "Your husband is suffering from a very severe stress disorder. If you don't do the following, your husband will surely die." "Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant at all times. For lunch make him a nutritious meal. For dinner prepare an especially nice meal for him. Don't burden him with chores. Don't discuss your problems with him, it will only make his stress worse. No nagging. And most importantly, make love with your husband several times a week. If you can do this for the next 10 months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health completely." On the way home, the husband asked his wife. "What did the doctor say?" "He said you're going to die," she replied.

A very very rich gentleman dies,leaving his fortune to his only living friends, a Doctor, a CEO, and a Lawyer. But being the eccentric he was, his will stipulated that each one must place their third of the money in his coffin before he is put in his final resting place. The funeral comes and goes. Over a year later the three friends are talking over lunch and the topic of the old man and his strange ways comes into the conversation. The Doctor finally says "I have to be honest, I didn't place ALL of the money into his coffin, I kept five million". Then the CEO states "Well, I have to admit that I too kept some of the cash. Ten million to be exact". The Lawyer glares at the two and says "I am ASHAMED of you two, I wrote a check for the FULL amount!"

This is a story about a couple who had been happily married for years. The only friction in their marriage was the husband's habit of farting loudly every morning when he awoke. The noise would wake his wife and the smell would make her eyes water and she would gasp for air. Every morning she would plead with him to stop letting them rip because it was making her sick. He told her he couldn't stop and that it was perfectly natural. She told him he should see a doctor, she was concerned that one day he would blow his guts out. The years went by and he continued to let them rip! Then one Thanksgiving morning as she was preparing the turkey dinner, and he was upstairs sound asleep, she looked at the bowl where she had put the turkey innards and neck, gizzard, liver and all the spare parts and a malicious thought came to her. She took the bowl and went upstairs where her husband was sound asleep and, gently pulling back the covers, she pulled back the elastic waistband of his underpants and emptied the bowl of turkey guts into his shorts. Sometime later she heard her husband waken with his usual trumpeting which was followed by a blood curdling scream and the sound of frantic footsteps as he ran into the bathroom. The wife could hardly control herself as she rolled onto the floor laughing with tears in her eyes! After years of torture, she reckoned she got him back pretty good. About twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his bloodstained underpants with a look of horror on his face. She bit her lip as she asked him what was the matter? He said, "Honey, you were right. All these years you have warned me and I didn't listen to you." "What do you mean?" asked his wife. "Well, you always told me that one day I would end up farting my guts out, and today it finally happened. But by the grace of God, some Vaseline, and these two fingers, I think I got most of them back in!"

"Who Needs Food?" It’s breakfast time. Sadie asks her husband Moishe, "Would you like some scrambled eggs, perhaps a piece of toast and grapefruit and coffee to follow?" Moishe replies, "No thanks, it`s this Viagra, it`s really taken the edge off my appetite." At lunchtime, Sadie asks Moishe if he would like something to eat. "How about a bowl of your favourite home made vegetable soup, followed by a cheese and tomato sandwich on rye?" she inquires. Moishe again declines. "It`s this Viagra, it`s really taken the edge off my appetite." Come dinnertime, Sadie asks Moishe if he wants anything to eat. She`ll go to the delicatessen and buy him some food. Would he like a nice juicy lamb chop with a tasty stir-fry followed by apple pie and cream? Again, Moishe says, "No thanks, it`s this Viagra, it`s really taken the edge off my appetite." "Well," Sadie says, "Would you mind getting off me and letting me up? I`m starving."

"A mathematician is a device for turning coffee into theorems" Addendum: American coffee is good for lemmas.

TO MY DARLING HUSBAND, I am sending you this letter via this email communications thing, so that you will be sure to read it. Please forgive the deception, but I thought you should know what has been going on at home since your computer entered our lives FIVE YEARS AGO. The children are doing well. Billy is ten now and is a bright, handsome boy. He has developed quite an interest in the arts. He drew a family portrait for a school project, all the figures were good, and the back of your head is very realistic. You should be very proud of him. Little Jennifer turned six in September. She looks a lot like you did at that age. She is an attractive child and quite smart. She still remembers that you spent the whole afternoon with us on her birthday. What a grand day for Jenny, despite the fact that it was stormy and the electricity was out. I am doing well. I went blonde about a year ago, and discovered that it really is more fun! George, I mean, Mr. Wilson the department head, has uh, taken an interest in my career and has become a good friend to us all. I discovered that the household chores are much easier since I realized that you didn't mind being vacuumed but that feather dusting made you sneeze. The house is in good shape. I had the living room painted last spring; I'm sure you noticed it. I made sure that the painters cut holes in the drop sheet so you wouldn't be disturbed. Well, my dear, I must be going. Uncle George, uh, Mr. Wilson, I mean, is taking us all on a ski trip and there is packing to do. I have hired a housekeeper to take care of things while we are away, she'll keep things in order, fill your coffee cup and bring your meals to your desk, just the way you like it. I hope you and the computer will have a lovely time while we are gone. Billy, Jenny and I will think of you often. Try to remember us while your disks are booting. Happy Valentines Day! Love, Kate.

What do witches eat at Halloween? Spook-etti, Halloweenies, Devil's food cake and Boo-berry pie.

Q: If Rodham gets health care, Bentsen gets treasury, and Aspin gets defense, what does Gore get? A: Coffee.

At breakfast one day, I eagerly waited for John to comment on my first attempt at homemade cinnamon rolls.After several minutes with no reaction, I asked, "If I baked these commercially, how much do you think I could get for one of them?"Without looking up from his newspaper John replied, "About 10 years."

Chuck Norris eats guys like you for breakfast. And puppies. And Coco Pops.

Every lunch hour Barry picked up a can of dog food at the deli, went across the street to a park bench, and ate the whole can with evident gusto. A doctor who happened to pass through the park regularly couldn't help noticing Barry's behavior and finally couldn't resist offering some advice. "I'm an internist," he explained, "and I think you should know that stuff isn't a very healthy diet for a human. In fact, eating it could kill you." "Thanks for the advice, Doc," said Barry, wolfing down another forkful, "but I've been eating it for years now and I feel fine." The doctor shrugged and walked off. A few months later he noticed Barry was missing from his bench, and after a while he asked another park regular what had happened. "He's dead." The doctor shook his head, "I told him that dog food would kill him." "It wasn't the dog food that did it," the fellow reported. "He was sitting on the curb licking his balls when a truck backed over him."