If Microsoft were Jewish: 1. Your PC would shut down automatically on Friday evenings. 2. Your "Start" button would be replaced with a "Let`s go. I`m not getting any younger." button. 3. RETRY would be replaced with "You vant I should try again?" 4. When disconnecting external devices from your PC, instructions would say "Remove from your PC`s tuchis the cable ". 5. Your CD player would be labelled "Nu, so play my music already.". 6. You would hear "Hava Nagila" during startup. 7. SCANDISK prompts you with, "You vant I should fix?" message. 8. When your PC is mult-tasking, you would occasionally hear an "Oy Gevult." 9. Manischewitz would advertise that its "monitor cleaning solution" gets rid of the "schmutz" on your screen. 10. After 20 minutes in an idle state, your PC would go "Schloffen." 11. All computer viruses would be cured with chicken soup. 12. After your computer dies, you would have to dispose of it within 24 hours. 13. Internet Explorer would have a spinning "Star of David" in the upper right corner. 14. A screen saver for channukah will be "Flying Draidles". 15. High capacity DVB`s (digital video bagels) would supercede CD-ROM`s.

What do cows read at the breakfast table? The moospaper!

What did the Buddhist say to the hot dog vendor? "Make me one with everything."

How can you tell the difference between a can of chicken soup and a can of tomato soup? Read the label.

Which dog tastes better when eaten? A hot dog.

The young playboy took a blind date to an amusement park. They went for a ride on the Ferris wheel. The ride completed, she seemed rather bored. "What would you like to do next?" he asked. "I wanna be weighed," she said. So the young man took her over to the weight guessed. "One-twelve," said the man at the scale, and he was absolutely right. Next they rode the roller coaster. After that, he bought her some popcorn and cotton candy, then he asked what else she would like to do. "I wanna be weighed," she said. I really latched onto a square one tonight, thought the young man, and using the excuse he had developed a headache, he took the girl home. The girl's mother was surprised to see her home so early, and asked, "What's wrong, dear, didn't you have a nice time tonight?" "Wousy," said the girl.

The test The Recording Angel needed two new Executive Assistants to help him in the admissions office in Heaven. G-d sent him 3 applicants and the Angel began interviewing them immediately. “I was senior partner in a law firm on earth,” said the first applicant “and I’m sure I could be very helpful to you.” “I’m sure you could,” said the Angel. “I’ve looked over your CV and you certainly have more than enough credentials for the job. But I do have a little test I ask all applicants to take. Would you spell G-d, please?” “A piece of cake,” said the applicant. “G - O - D.” “Fine,” said the Angel, extending his hand, “I’ll be in touch.” The fellow left and the second applicant came in. “I was Chief Executive of a very successful business on earth,” he said. “There were 16,000 people on my payroll. I think I’d make an excellent assistant.” “Your record is certainly impressive,” said the Angel. “And I think I’m going to hire you, but first there’s a little test. Spell G-d.” “G - O - D” said the second applicant. “Great!” said the Angel, shaking his hand. “You’ll be hearing from me.” The man left and the third applicant, a woman, approached the Angel’s desk. “Tell me about yourself,” said the Angel. “On earth,” she said, “I was secretary to one of the most powerful men in Europe. You know, because you know everything, that I did most of the work for which he got credit. I’m certain I could do whatever is required.” “Of course,” said the Angel, “but there’s one little test….” “Oh, please, not a test” said the woman. “I’ve had it rough all my life. Because I’m a woman I had to fight for every promotion I ever got. I had to take lower pay for doing the same job as the men in the office. I was constantly harassed by male chauvinist bosses. I thought it would be different up here. Now I get the feeling that because the job title is Executive Assistant and not Secretary, you don’t want to give me a chance at it.” No, no. Not at all!” said the Angel. “This is just a little test that I give all applicants, regardless of sex.” “All right,” sighed the woman. “Go ahead.” “Spell desuetude, parietals, and chiaroscuro,” said the Angel.

The employees at Taco Bell recently started wearing gloves when preparing the food. Ever wonder if their intentions are to protect their hands from the food they're serving?

A snail goes into a bar and orders a beer. The barman says 'Sorry we don't serve snails' and throws him out. A couple of weeks later the snail goes into the bar again and says... 'What did you do that for!'.

The carpenter I hired to help me restore an old farmhouse had just finished a rough first day on the job. A flat tire made him lose an hour of work, his electric saw quit and now his ancient pickup truck refused to start. While I drove him home, he sat in stony silence. On arriving, he invited me in to meet his family. As we walked toward the front door, he paused briefly at a small tree, touching the tips of the branches with both hands. When opening the door, he underwent an amazing transformation. His tanned face was wreathed in smiles and he hugged his two small children and gave his wife a kiss. Afterward he walked me to the car. We passed the tree and my curiosity got the better of me. I asked him about what I had seen him do earlier. "Oh, that's my trouble tree," he replied. "I know I can't help having troubles on the job, but one thing for sure, troubles don't belong in the house with my wife and the children. So I just hang them up on the tree every night when I come home. Then in the morning I pick them up again. "Funny thing is," he smiled, "when I come out in the morning to pick 'em up, there ain't nearly as many as I remember hanging up the night before." By Author Unknown, from A 4th Course of Chicken Soup for the Soul.

Frank was walking down the street one day, when he runs into his buddy Joe. Joe asks Frank how he's doing and Frank replies, "N-N-Not b-b-bad, b-b-but I've d-d-developed th-th-this s-s-stutter from a c-c-car accident I was r-r-recently involved in. N-N-Now my l-l-love life s-s-sucks, and I c-c-can't f-f-find a j-j-job." Joe tells him of this speech therapist he knows and recommends he go see the guy. Frank agrees and thanks him. A couple of weeks later, they run into each other again and Joe asks Frank how he made out. "Thank you for the referral. He cured me just by making me talk slower. Now I have a good job and I'm engaged to the boss' daughter." "That's excellent! Congratulations!" replied Joe, and off they went their separate ways. Another two weeks or so pass and once again Frank and Joe meet on the street. "Hey, Frank, how's it going?" asks Joe. "Terrible," says Frank. "I'm no longer engaged and I lost my job." "Why? What could have happened in two weeks Frank?" "Well, the other night I was having dinner at the boss' house and the cat was scratching behind his ear. I said 'Look, Honey! That's what you do to me,' but by the time I finished what I was saying the cat was licking his balls."

In ancient Rome, deli workers were told that they could eat anything they wanted during the lunch hour. Anything, that is except the smoked salmon. Thus, were created the world's first anti-lox breaks.

Two brooms were hanging in the closet and after a while they got to know each other so well, they decided to get married. One broom was, of course, the bride broom...and the other the groom broom. The bride broom looked very beautiful in her white dress. The groom broom was handsome and suave in his tuxedo. The wedding was lovely. Afterward, at the wedding dinner, the bride broom leaned over and said to the groom broom, I think I am going to have a little whisk broom! "IMPOSSIBLE!" said the groom broom, "because we haven't even swept together!"

A woman woke her husband in the middle of the night. "There's a burglar downstairs eating the cake that I made this morning." "Who shall I call," her husband asked, "police or ambulance?"

Knock Knock Who's there! Chrysalis! Chrysalis who? Chrysalis the cake for you!

A magazine recently ran a "Dilbert Quotes" contest. They were looking for people to submit quotes from their real-life Dilbert-type managers. Here are some of the submissions: 1. As of tomorrow, employees will only be able to access the building using individual security cards. Pictures will be taken next Wednesday and employees will receive their cards in two weeks. 2. What I need is a list of specific unknown problems we will encounter. 3. How long is this Beta guy going to keep testing our stuff? 4. E-mail is not to be used to pass on information or data. It should be used only for company business. 5. This project is so important, we can't let things that are more important interfere with it. 6. Doing it right is no excuse for not meeting the schedule. No one will believe you solved this problem in one day! We've been working on it for months. Now, go act busy for a few weeks and I'll let you know when it's time to tell them. 7. My boss spent the entire weekend retyping a 25-page proposal that only needed corrections. She claims the disk I gave her was damaged and she couldn't edit it. The disk I gave her was write-protected. 8. Quote from the boss: "Teamwork is a lot of people doing what 'I' say." 9. My sister passed away and her funeral was scheduled for Monday. When I told my boss, he said she died so that I would have to miss work on the busiest day of the year. He then asked if we could change her burial to Friday. He said, "That would be better for me." 10. We know that communication is a problem, but the company is not going to discuss it with the employees. 11. We recently received a memo from senior management saying, "This is to inform you that a memo will be issued today regarding the subject mentioned above." 12. One day my boss asked me to submit a status report to him concerning a project I was working on. I asked him if tomorrow would be soon enough. He said, "If I wanted it tomorrow, I would have waited until tomorrow to ask for it!" 13. As director of communications, I was asked to prepare a memo reviewing our company's training programs and materials. In the body of the memo one of the sentences mentioned the "pedagogical approach" used by one of the training manuals. The day after I routed the memo to the executive committee, I was called into the HR Director's office, and was told that the executive VP wanted me out of the building by lunch. When I asked why, I was told that she wouldn't stand for "perverts" working in her company. Finally he showed me her copy of the memo, with her demand that I be fired, with the word "pedagogical" circled in red. The H.R. Manager was fairly reasonable, and once he looked the word up in his dictionary and made a copy of the definition to send to my boss, he told me not to worry. He would take care of it. Two days later a memo to the entire staff came out, directing us that no words which could not be found in the local Sunday newspaper could be used in company memos. A month later, I resigned. In accordance with company policy, I created my resignation letter by pasting words together from the Sunday paper. 14. This gem is the closing paragraph of a nationally-circulated memo from a large communications company: "Lucent Technologies is endeavouringly determined to promote constant attention on current procedures of transacting business focusing emphasis on innovative ways to better, if not supersede, the expectations of quality!"

An old man and a young man worked in office next to each other. The young man had noticed that the older man always seemed to have a jar of peanuts on his desk. The young man loved peanuts. One day while the older man was away from his desk the young man couldn't resist and went to the old man's jar and ate over half the peanuts. When the old man returned the young man felt guilty and confessed to taking the peanuts. The old man responded "That's ok since I lost my teeth all I can do is lick the chocolate off the M&Ms."

When Chuck Norris orders to McDo, his hamburger matches the advert.

1- One day a Mullah was going to Bazaar to sell his goose. An intelligent and humorous priest saw him and decided to put him on the test. He approached the Mullah and asked: how much is the donkey? The mullah answered: father it is a goose not donkey. The priest replied: I did not ask you, I asked the goose. 2- The other day a Mullah went to the doctor. He said: doctor, my beard aches. The doctor asked him: what did you eat for lunch? He replied: I ate bread and ice. The doctor answered back: neither your pain resembles the pains of the people nor your food is like theirs. 3- One day Mullah was beating his donkey in a remote place. A man saw him and asked: why are you beating the poor animal. Sorry, said Mullah, is it a member of your family?

You've got your head so far up your ass you can chew your food twice.