Subject...Health Food With today's adults looking for a healthier lifestyle, food and stress are very important to them. We will look first at what food can be added to our diet that will help relieve stress. The food in question, is chocolate. This overlooked food is considered unhealthy, but let's take a look. Chocolate is made from sugar and cocoa beans with the bean known as a vegetable. Sugar is derived mainly from sugar cane, this would also be in the vegetable category, thus classifying all chocolate as a vegetable. Chocolate-covered raisins, cherries, orange slices and strawberries all count as fruit, and as you well know, you are encouraged to eat as much fruit as you want! To take this one step further, milk chocolate contains milk, which is dairy, therefore, chocolate, in any form, should be considered a health food. so remember...STRESSED spelled backward is... DESSERTS.

Knock Knock Who's there! Beef! Beef who? Beef fair now!

The snare Sarah and Benjy have been dating throughout their college years but at no time did Benjy talk once to Sarah about marriage. But now that they have graduated, Sarah’s mother, Kitty, has a quiet talk with her daughter. "Darling," says Kitty, "although Benjy is an absolutely smashing young man, I think you’ve been too patient with him. He’ll make a marvellous husband but he needs a bit of pushing. You must now use every opportunity to hint at marriage." The following weekend, Benjy takes Sarah to Minky’s Kosher Chinese Restaurant. As he reads the menu, he casually asks her, "Sarah darling, how do you want your rice? Boiled? Or fried?" Without hesitating, Sarah looks up at him, smiles sexily and replies, "Thrown."

Alabama: Yes, we have electricity ·Arizona: But It's a Dry Heat ·Arkansas: Litterasy Ain't Everthing ·California: As Seen on TV "Sin, Sex, Sun and Fun" ·Colorado: If You Don't Ski, Don't Bother ·Connecticut: Like Massachusetts, Only Dirtier and With Less Character ·Delaware: We Really Do Like the Chemicals in Our Water ·Florida: Ask Us About Our Grandkids ·Georgia: We Put the "Fun" in Fundamentalist Extremism ·Hawaii: Haka Tiki Mou Sha'ami Leeki Toru - Mahalo · ·Idaho: Potatoes and Neo Nazi's ... What More Could You Ask For? ·Illinois: Please Don't Pronounce the "S" ·Indiana: 2 Billion Years Tidal Wave Free ·Iowa: We Do Amazing Things With Corn ·Kansas: Where Science Don't Mean Nothing ·Kentucky: Five Million People; Fifteen Last Names ·Louisiana: We're Not All Drunk Cajun Wackos, But That's Our Tourism Campaign ·Maine: We're Really Cold, But We Have Cheap Lobster ·Maryland: Thinking Man's Delaware ·Massachusetts: Our Taxes Are Lower Than Sweden's ·Michigan: First Line of Defense From the Canadians ·Minnesota: 10,000 Lakes and 10,000,000,000,000,000,000 Mosquitoes ·Mississippi: Come Feel Better About Your Own State ·Missouri: Your Federal Flood Relief Tax Dollars at Work, Let Me Show You! ·Montana: Land of the Big Sky, the Unabomber, Right-Wing Crazies, Left-Wing Kooks and Very Little Else ·Nebraska: Ask About Our State Motto Contest - Where's the beef? ·Nevada: Hookers and Poker! ·New Hampshire: Go Away and Leave Us Alone ·New Jersey: You Want a ##$%##! Motto? I Got Yer ##$%##! Motto Right Here! ·New Mexico: Lizards Make Excellent Pets ·New York: You Have the Right to Remain Silent, You Have the Right to an Attorney... ·North Carolina: Tobacco is a Vegetable ·North Dakota: We Really are One of the 50 States! ·Ohio: At Least We're Not Michigan - We're Buckeyes! ·Oklahoma: Like the Play, only No Singing ·Oregon: Spotted Owl... It's What's For Dinner ·Pennsylvania: Cook With Coal ·Rhode Island: We're Not REALLY An Island, really! ·South Carolina: Remember the Civil War? We Didn't Actually Surrender ·South Dakota: Closer Than North Dakota ·Tennessee: The Educashun State ·Texas: Si' Hablo Ing'les ·Utah: Our Jesus Is Better Than Your Jesus ·Vermont: Yep ·Virginia: Who Says Government Stiffs and Slackjaw Yokels Don't Mix? ·Washington: Help! We're Overrun By Nerds, Liberals and other Slackers! ·Washington, D.C.: Wanna Be Mayor? ·West Virginia: One Big Happy Family-Really! ·Wisconsin: Come Cut The Cheese ·Wyoming: Where men are men and sheep are scared.

A LIGHTER LOOK AT MARRIAGE Getting married is very much like going to a continental restaurant with friends. You order what you want, then when you see what the other fellow has, you wish you had ordered that. At the cocktail party, one woman said to another, "Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?" The other replied, "Yes I am, I married the wrong man." Man is incomplete until he is married. Then he is really finished. Marriage is an institution in which a man loses his bachelor's degree and the woman gets her master's. A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?" And the father replied, "I don't know, son, I'm still paying for it." Young Son: Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her? Dad: That happens in most countries, son. Then there was a man who said, "I never knew what real happiness was until I got married; and then it was too late. When a newly married man looks happy, we know why. But when a ten-year married man looks happy - we wonder why. Married life is very frustrating. In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens. In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens. In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen. After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband, "You know, I was a fool when I married you." And the husband replied, "Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn't notice it." A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Wife wanted". Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine." When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing: either the car is new or the wife. How do most men define marriage? A very expensive way to get your laundry done free. The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once. When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her. - Sacha Guitry Eighty percent of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat in Europe. - Jackie Mason Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.

Where did you learn to make ice cream? Sunday school.

A trucker who has been out on the road for two months stops at a brothel outside Atlanta. He walks straight up to the Madam, drops down $500 and says, "I want your ugliest woman and a grilled cheese sandwich!" The Madam is astonished. "But sir, for that kind of money you could have one of my prettiest ladies and a three-course meal." The trucker replies, "Listen darlin’, I’m not horny – I’m just homesick."

A cannibal was walking through the jungle and came upon a restaurant operated by a fellow cannibal. Feeling somewhat hungry, he sat down and looked over the menu... Tourist: $5.00 Broiled Missionary: $10.00 Fried Explorer: $15.00 Baked Democrat or Grilled Republican: $100.00 The cannibal called the waiter over and asked,?Why such a price difference for the Politicians? The cook replied,?Have you ever tried to clean one? They're so full of crap, it takes all morning.?

A kindly old lady came across a little boy sitting on the pavement crying his eyes out. 'What's the matter?' she asked. 'It's my birthday!' he hollered. 'And I had a bicycle and a new tracksuit and this afternoon there's to be a party with crisps and jelly and a birthday cake and a disco afterwards. . .' and he had to stop talking because he was crying so hard. 'But that's lovely,' said the old lady. 'Why are you crying?' 'Because I'm lost!'.

When Albert Einstein was making the rounds of the speaker's circuit, he usually found himself eagerly longing to get back to his laboratory work. One night as they were driving to yet another dinner, Einstein mentioned to his chauffeur that he was tired of speechmaking. "I have an idea, boss," his chauffeur said. "I've heard you give this speech so many times, I'll bet I could give it for you." Einstein laughed loudly and said, "Why not? Let's do it!" When they arrived at the dinner, Einstein donned the chauffeur's cap and jacket and sat in the back of the room. The chauffeur gave a beautiful rendition of Einstein's speech and even answered a few questions expertly. Then a supremely pompous professor asked an extremely esoteric question about antimatter formation, digressing here and there to let everyone in the audience know that he was nobody's fool. Without missing a beat, the chauffeur fixed the professor with a steely stare and said, "Sir, the answer to that question is so simple that I will let my chauffeur, who is sitting in the back, answer it for me."

A boy come home from school with his exam results. "What did you get?" asked his father. "My marks are under water," said the boy. "What do you mean 'under water'?" "They are all below 'C' level." ---------- A teacher was asking her class: "What is the difference between 'unlawful' and 'illegal'?" Only one hand shot up. "Ok, answer, Joan," said the teacher. "'Unlawful' is when u do something the law doesn't allow and 'Illegal' is a sick eagle." ---------- Teacher: "Spell 'WATER'," Girl: "HIJKLMNO." Teacher: "That doesn't spell 'WATER'," Girl: "Yes, it does. ... It's all the letters from 'H to O'." ---------- "Just to establish some parameters," said the professor, "Mr. Nichols, what is the opposite of joy?" "Sadness," said the student. "And the opposite of depression, Ms. Biggs?" "Elation." "And you sir, how about the opposite of woe?" "I believe that would be giddy up." ---------- A linguistics professor was lecturing to his class one day. "In English," he said, "a double negative forms a positive. In some languages though, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However," he pointed out, "there is no language wherein a double positive can form a negative." A voice from the back of the room piped up "Yeah, right." There was this kindly professor who took on an errant graduate student. This student had difficulty making anything work. She was late, she broke things. She wasted reagents and never cleaned up after herself. However, she was always pleasant, and she treated the professor and his profession with utmost respect. This was uplifting and very pleasant for him. So, when the inevitable time came for him to drop her he felt very sad. Therefore, he went to a great deal of trouble to make it as easy on her as possible. He took her to a nice restaurant and hired a musician to play Mozart while they dined. Later, when his colleagues would ask him why he went to so much trouble for such a pain in the kazoo, he replied, "But this is divorce of a reverent scholar." I just spoke to my counterpart at a major seminary college , and he was in a tizzy. It seems that he is behind in his theological research and is rushing to publish a much needed paper, without which, there is a very good possibility that he will be reassigned as a priest to a congregation somewhere in the boondocks. He told me that this situation affected most of the Brothers at the college, at one time or another, just as it affects many professors at universities and colleges all over the world. That's right. Even at a religious college it's either publish or parish. A physics professor at a state university in Michigan was famous for his animated lectures. He was short and thin with wild white hair and an excited expression. In lecture he would through himself from the top of desks and throw frisbees to students in the back row to illustrate various principles. One day in class he was spinning on an office chair holding weights in each hand when he lost his balance and tumbled into the first row. He apologized to his class for going off on a tangent. A student got me with a good one in class. I don't bother to make seating charts, because I noticed that students tend to sit in the same place every day anyway. So I learn my students' names by reading each name out loud and looking in the direction that student normally sits, in order to force my brain to associate the name with the face. The name in brain lies mainly in a plane. It takes me a few weeks to learn a whole class full of students' names, because I'm week-minded. It takes longer if they're absent, because I'm absent-minded. One day I called out "Jesse Brown" and looked to my left, but I didn't find him there. Instead, Jesse was sitting to my right. "Over here," he said. "Moving around on me, eh?" I chided him. "Brownian motion," he explained.

Chuck Norris doesn’t eat nails for breakfast, he eats rail road spikes.

Chuck Norris once drank wine from a chalice. This chalice is now known as the holy grail.

Q: What is a topologist?A: A person who cannot tell a doughnut from a coffee mug.

Forget Something? Because their memories were getting so bad with old age, Sadie and Sam had to put things in writing to help them remember them. One night, Sam got up from watching the usual TV soap and said to Sadie, "I’m going to the kitchen for something to eat. Do you want anything while I`m there?" Sadie said, "Yes, Sam, some ice cream, please." Just as Sam set off she added, "And write it down." "Don’t worry, I can remember ice cream," said Sam. Then Sadie said, "I also want strawberries on my ice cream... Write it down." "No need, I can remember ice cream with strawberries," he replied. Sadie added, "But I also want whipped cream on top of the strawberries." Sam nodded, but left the room without writing anything down. When he returned, Sam was carrying a plate of cold roast beef with mustard. "Now see what you`ve done," she said, "You’ve forgotten the toast I asked for."

The cake is a lie, and there's a reason you can't have it; Chuck Norris is that cake.

A guy walks into a bar and orders a drink. After a few more he needs to go to the can. He doesn't want anyone to steal his drink so he puts a sign on it saying, "I spat in this beer, do not drink!". After a few minutes he returns and there is another sign next to his beer saying, "So did I!"

One day, a HR woman was hit by a bus and killed. Her soul arrived in heaven and she was met by St.Peter. "Welcome to Heaven. Before you get settled in, it seems we have a problem. We've never once had HR manager make it this far. What we're going to do is let you have a day in Hell and a day in Heaven, then you can choose your eternity" said St.Peter. St.Peter put her in an elevator, it went down-down-down. The doors opened, she stepped onto a beautiful golf course. In front of her were all her fellow HR professionals. They were all dressed in evening gowns. They ran up and kissed her. They played golf and she enjoyed steak and lobster dinner. She met the Devil who was a really nice guy, she had great time telling jokes and dancing. When it was time to leave, everyone shook her hand and waved good-bye. So she spent the next 24 hours lounging around on the clouds, playing the harp and singing. "Now you must choose your eternity" he said. She paused and then replied, "Well, Heaven has been great but I think I had a better time in Hell." So she went down-down-down. When the doors opened, she was standing in a desolate wasteland covered in garbage. Her friends were dressed in rags and were picking up garbage for the evening meal. The Devil came up to her and put his arm around her and laughed. "I don't understand," she stammered. "Yesterday I had great time here, there was a golf course and we ate lobster. Now all there is a wasteland and all my friends look miserable." The Devil looked at her and grinned, "that's because yesterday we were recruiting you, but today you're staff."

How many men does it take to make popcorn? Four, one to hold the pot, and three to act macho and shake the stove.

You know the Super Bowl, that's what Chuck Norris eats his breakfast out of.