You might be a Redneck Jedi if... You ever heard the phrase, "May the force be with y'all." Your Jedi robe is camouflage. You have ever used your light saber to open a bottle of Bud Light. At least one wing of your X-Wings is primer colored. You can easily describe the taste of an Ewok. You have ever had a land-speeder up on blocks in your yard. The worst part of spending time on Dagobah is the dadgum skeeters. Wookies are offended by your B.O. You have ever used the force to get yourself another beer so you didn't have to wait for a commercial. You have ever used the force in conjunction with fishing/bowling. Your father has ever said to you, "Shoot, son come on over to the dark side...it'll be a hoot." You have ever had your R-2 unit use its self-defense electro-shock thingy to get the barbecue grill to light. You have a confederate flag painted on the hood of your land-speeder. You ever fantasized about Princess Leah wearing Daisy Duke shorts. You have the doors of your X-wing welded shut and you have to get in through the window. Although you had to kill him, you kinda thought that Jabba the Hutt had a pretty good handle on how to treat his women. You have a cousin who bears a strong resemblance to Chewbacca. You suggested that they outfit the Millennium Falcon with redwood deck. You were the only person drinking Jack Daniels during the cantina scene. If you hear . . . "Luke, I am your father . . . and your uncle."

Ocean City: Raw hamburger may not be sold.

Chuck Norris will soon open his own fried chicken restaurant chain: RKC-- Roundhouse Kickin' Chicken.

A guy is walking past a high, solid wooden fence at the insane asylum and he hears all the residents inside chanting, "Thirteen! Thirteen! Thirteen!" He continues walking along the long fence, but, being a curious person, he can't help but wonder why they are chanting "Thirteen!" over and over. Could it be that they are chugging beer? Are they perhaps taking turns beating one of the inmates? Maybe they are counting the number of patients that have leapt off of the roof thus far. His curiosity peaks and he frantically searches for a hole in the fence so that he may see what is going on. Finally, he spots one a few feet ahead. The hole is low in the fence and he has to kneel down to peer inside. He moves into position and peeks into the hole. As he looks in, someone inside pokes him in the eye! Then everyone inside the asylum starts chanting, "Fourteen! Fourteen! Fourteen!"

Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

The reason Chuck Norris's shoes are brown is because the shit from peoples ass is caked onto his shoes from kicking their ass that hard.

A boy asks his father, "Dad, are bugs good to eat?" "That's disgusting. Don't talk about things like that over dinner," the dad replies. After dinner the father asks, "Now, son, what did you want to ask me?" "Oh, nothing," the boy says. "There was a bug in your soup, but now it’s gone."

Growing up Little Benny and little Sarah are at Edgware infants’ school. One day during lunch, Sarah says, “Benny, do you want to play mummies and daddies with me?” Benny replies, “OK. What do you want me to do?” “I want you to communicate your thoughts,” she says. “Communicate my thoughts?“ says Benny, “I have no idea what that means.” Sarah instantly smirks and with a knowing look says, “That’s fine then. You can be the daddy.

There was an old man whose family could no longer afford to take care of him. So the family decided that a nusring for the aged would be appropriate. Of course the old man rejected the idea, but no sooner he was convinced that it was the right thing to do. On his first day at the home, he spent most of his time laying in bed reflecting on life, feeling lonely. A while later, an orderly stopped by to seee how the old man's first day was going. "How you doing today?", she said to the old man, "First day I see". The Old man replied with a nod. In no time the two began talking up a storm. As the conversation began to drag on, the orderly was eyeing the room filled with fresh flowers, cards and balloons from friends and relatives. She noticed a bowl full of peanuts sitting on top of the table next to the bed, and help herself to a handful. As the two continued to converse with each other, the orderly kept eating more helpings of the peanuts. She look at her watch and noticed that nearly 2 hours had passed and said, "My goodness, the time has gone by quickly. I have to tend to other people here too." "That's okay.", said the old man, "I feel so much better being able to talk to someone." Looking into the bowl the orderly said, "I feel awful! I ate almost all of your peanuts!" The old man responded, "That's okay. Ever since I got these false teeth, all I could do was suck the chocolate off of them anyhow."

Wu`s Coffee Abraham Grossman, the rich young bachelor, is entertaining a gorgeous woman, Gloria, with dinner in his penthouse. As his Chinese servant pours the coffee, Gloria asks, "Wu, how do you make such delicious coffee?" "Me take plenty boiled water," explains Wu, "and stir in coffee, velly, velly slow." "Yes," says Gloria, "but it is so clear. How do you strain it so cleverly?" "Me take master’s silk socks..." begins Wu. "What!" shouts Grossman. "You take my best silk socks to strain the coffee?" "Oh, no, master," replies Wu. "Me never take master’s clean socks."

Q: How does Moses make coffee? A: He brews it!

What is small, furry and smells like bacon? A hamster.

During the first day of Hanukkah, two elderly Jewish men were sitting in a wonderful deli frequented almost exclusively by Jews in New York City. They were talking amongst themselves in Yiddish - the colorful language of Jews who came over from Eastern Europe A Chinese waiter, only one year in New York, came up and in fluent impeccable Yiddish asked them if everything was okay and if they were enjoying the holiday. The Jewish men were dumbfounded.?Where did he ever learn such perfect Yiddish? they both thought. After they paid the bill they asked the restaurant manager, an old friend of theirs,?Where did our waiter learn such fabulous Yiddish? The manager looked around and leaned in so no one else will hear and said...?Shhhh. He thinks we're teaching him English.?

A boy takes a girl out on a first date. He drives them to a remote and romantic spot outside the city, puts his arms around her and says: "what do you know, wer'e out of gas". The girl then opens a purse and puts out a bottle. "Cool, is this wine?" the boy asks. "No", she answers, "It's gasoline".

"I want you to drink a cup of hot water every morning," prescribed the doctor. "You gotta be kidding, doc," I`ve been doing that for years, but my wife calls it coffee".

A woman was leaving a 7-11 with her morning coffee when she noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery. A long black hearse was followed by a second black hearse just 50 feet behind. Behind the second hearse was a solitary woman walking a pit bull on a leash. Behind her 200 women walking single file. The woman's curiosity got the best of her. She respectfully approached the woman walking the dog and said, "I am so sorry for your loss and I know now is a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this. Whose funeral is it?" The woman replied, "Well, the first hearse is for my husband." "What happened to him?" The woman replied, "My dog attacked and killed him." The woman was even more inquisitive, "Well, who's in the second hearse?" "My-mother-in law. She tried to help my husband when the dog turned on her and killed her too." A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passed between the two women. "Could I borrow that dog?" "Get in line."

What did the little ghost eat for lunch? A booloney sandwich!

A soldier serving in Asia met this lovely Chinese girl in the park. They ended up having dinner and, that night in the hotel while having sex, the girl let out a very loud fart. The soldier jumped out of the bed to get away from the odor. The embarassed girl looked up at him and said, "Oh, so sorry but, front hole so HAPPY, back hole MUST CHEER."

Things That Are Difficult to Say When You're Drinking: Indubitably Innovative Preliminary Proliferation Cinnamon Things That Are VERY Difficult to Say When You're Drinking: Specificity Cogito ergo sum British Constitution Passive-aggressive disorder Loquacious Transubstantiate Things That Are Downright IMPOSSIBLE to Say When You're Drinking: Nope, no more beer for me Sorry, but you're not really my type Good evening, officer, isn't it lovely out tonight? Oh, I just couldn't--no one wants to hear me sing!

Young Jimmy was having a snack after school with his Gran. ' Would you like another cookie?' she asked. 'Yes, please,' replied Jimmy. 'What good manners you have,' said his Gran. ' I do like to hear young people say 'please' and 'thank you'.' 'I'll say them both if I can have a big piece of that cake,' replied Jimmy!