Morty was in his usual place in the morning sitting at the table, reading the paper after breakfast. He came across an article about a beautiful actress that was about to marry a football player who was known primarily for his lack of IQ and common knowledge. He turned to his wife with a look of question on his face. "I'll never understand why the biggest jerks get the most attractive wives." His wife replied, "Why thank you, dear!"

Notes From An Inexperienced Chili Taster Named FRANK: "Recently I was honored to be selected as an Outstanding Famous Celebrity in Texas, to be a judge at a chili cook-off because no one else wanted to do it. Also the original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking directions to the beer wagon when the call came. I was assured by the other two judges that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy, and besides they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted this as being one of those burdens you endure when you're an internet writer and therefore known and adored by all." Here are the scorecards from the event: Chili # 1: Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick. JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavor Very mild. FRANK: Holy smokes, what is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway with it. Took me two beers to put the flames out. Hope that's the worst one. These people are crazy. Chili # 2: Arthur's Afterburner Chili JUDGE ONE: Smoky with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang. JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously. FRANK: Keep this out of reach of children! I'm not sure what I am supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. Shoved my way to the front of the beer line. The barmaid looks like a professional wrestler after a bad night. She was so irritated over my gagging sounds that the snake tattoo under her eye started to twitch. She has arms like Popeye and a face like Winston Churchill. I will NOT pick a fight with her. Chili # 3: Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick. Needs more beans. JUDGE TWO: A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of red peppers. FRANK: This has got to be a joke. Call the EPA, I've located a!?##?!?%?~?! uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been sneezing Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now and got out of my way so I could make it to the beer wagon. Barmaid pounded me on the back; now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. She said her friends call her "Sally." Probably behind her back they call her "Forklift." Chili# 4: Bubba's Black Magic JUDGE ONE: Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing. JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili. FRANK: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Sally was standing behind me with fresh refills so I wouldn't have to dash over to see her. When she winked at me her snake sort of coiled and uncoiled ... it's kinda cute. Chili # 5: Linda's Legal Lip Remover JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground adding considerable kick. Very impressive. JUDGE TWO: Chili using shredded beef; could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement. FRANK: My ears are ringing and I can no longer focus my eyes. I belched and four people in front of me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed hurt when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue by pouring beer directly on it from a pitcher. Sort of irritates me that one of the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Chili # 6: Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spice and peppers. JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb. FRANK: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous flames. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except Sally. I asked if she wants to go dancing later. Chili # 7: Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers. JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef threw in canned chili peppers at the last moment. I should note that I am worried about Judge Number 3, h.

Not long after their wedding, Scott and Tracy awoke early one morning. The couple had been up for quite a while before they met up in the kitchen. Marriage was agreeing with Scott, and he greeted his new wife with glee and excitation that morning. "If you'll make the toast and pour the juice, sweetheart," said Tracy, the newlywed bride, "breakfast will be ready." "Great! What are we having for breakfast?" asked Scott. "Toast and juice," replied Tracy.

This guy goes into a restaurant for a Christmas breakfast while in his home town for the holidays. After looking over the menu he says, "I'll just have the eggs Benedict." His order comes a while later and it's served on a big, shiny hubcap. He asks the waiter, "What's with the hubcap?" The waiter sings, "Oh, there's no plate like chrome for the hollandaise!"

A tech support employee once received a call from a disgruntled lady who had purchase one of their PCs. "The cup holder on my computer broke! I just got some coffee and put it in the cup holder and then it broke, and the coffee spilled all over me! I want a replacement!" The employee was a little confused and didn't know what to say. He finally asked her to describe the cup holder to him...he'd never heard of his company selling in-computer cup holders. So the lady went on to describe the cup holder to him. "Well, it pops out of the little box when I push a button, and it has 40x written on it..."

Conversation in a restaurant – part 1 Maurice and Sadie are out eating in the ‘Bubbeh-Myseh’ restaurant. Whilst Maurice is eating his grilled steak and chips, the waiter comes over to him and asks, "Is everything OK, sir?" "Well," replies Maurice, "I asked for my steak to be rare, and it was well done." "Thank you sir," says the waiter, "we always aim to please."

Bits & pieces from the Jewish vaudeville comics • I`ve been in love with the same woman for 40 years. If my wife ever finds out, she`ll kill me! • What are the three words a woman never wants to hear when she’s making love? "Darling, I`m home." • Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won`t be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did. • We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops. • My wife and I went back to the hotel where we spent our wedding night. Only this time, I stayed in the bathroom and cried. • My wife and I went to a hotel where we got a waterbed. My wife called it the Dead Sea. • She was at the beauty shop for two hours. That was only for the estimate. • She got a mudpack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off. • I was just in London - there is an 8-hour time difference. I`m still confused. When I go to dinner, I feel sexy. When I go to bed, I feel hungry. • The doctor says, "You`ll live to be 60!" "I am 60!" "See, what did I tell you?" • A doctor has a stethoscope up to a man`s chest. The man asks, "Doc, how do I stand?" The doctor says, "That`s what puzzles me!" • "Doctor, I have a ringing in my ears." "Don`t answer!" • A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge says "You`ve been brought here for drinking." The drunk says "Okay, let`s get started." • A bum asked me, "Give me $10 till payday." I asked, "When`s payday?" He said, "I don`t know, you`re the one who’s working!" • There was a girl knocking on my hotel room door all night. Finally, I let her out. • I just got back from a pleasure trip. I took my mother-in-law to the airport. • I wish my brother would learn a trade so I would know what kind of work he`s out of.

A panda walks into a bar, sits down, and orders a sandwich. He eats, pulls out a gun, and shoots the waiter dead. As the panda stands up to go, the bartender shouts, "Hey! Where are you going? You just shot my waiter and you didn't pay for the food!" The panda yells back, "Hey man, I'm a panda. Look it up!" The bartender opens his dictionary to panda, "A tree climbing mammal of Asian origin, characterized by distinct black and white coloring. Eats, shoots, and leaves."

Chuck Norris once ate his whole birthday cake... Even before his friend could tell him that there's a stripper hiding in it.

A husband and wife were having dinner at a very fine restaurant when this absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the husband a big kiss, tells him she'll see him later, and walks away. His wife glares at him and says, "Who was that?!" "Oh," replies the husband, "that was my mistress." The wife says, "That's it; I want a divorce." "I understand," replies her husband, "but, remember, if you get a divorce, there will be no more shopping trips to Paris, no wintering in the Caribbean, no Lexus in the garage, and no more country club. But the decision is yours." Just then the wife notices a mutual friend entering the restaurant with a gorgeous woman. "Who's that woman with Jim?" she asks. "That's his mistress," replies her husband. "Ours is prettier," says the wife.

What is a vampire's favourite soup? Scream of mushroom!

Somebody said it takes about six weeks to get back to normal after you've had a baby... Somebody doesn't know that once you're a mother, "normal", is history. Somebody said you learn how to be a mother by instinct ... Somebody never took a three-year-old shopping. Somebody said being a mother is boring... Somebody never rode in a car driven by a teenager with a driver's permit. Somebody said if you're a "good" mother, your child will "turn out good"... Somebody thinks a child comes with directions and a guarantee. Somebody said "good" mothers never raise their voices ... Somebody never came out the back door just in time to see her child hit a golf ball through the neighbor's kitchen window. Somebody said you don't need an education to be a mother ... Somebody never helped a fourth grader with his math. Somebody said you can't love the fifth child as much as you love the first... Somebody doesn't have five children. Somebody said a mother can find all the answers to her child-rearing questions in the books... Somebody never had a child stuff beans up his nose or in his ears. Somebody said the hardest part of being a mother is labor and delivery ... Somebody never watched her "baby" get on the bus for the first day of kindergarten... or on a plane headed for military "boot camp" Somebody said a mother can do her job with her eyes closed & one hand tied behind her back... Somebody never organized seven giggling Brownies to sell cookies. Somebody said a mother can stop worrying after her child gets married ... Somebody doesn't know that marriage adds a new son or daughter-in-law to a mother's heartstrings. Somebody said a mother's job is done when her last child leaves home ... Somebody never had grandchildren. Somebody said your mother knows you love her, so you don't need to tell her... Somebody isn't a mother.

Collards is green, my dog's name is Blue and I'm so lucky to have a sweet thang like you. Yore hair is like corn silk a-flapping in the breeze. Softer than Blue's and without all them fleas. You move like the bass, which excite me in May. You ain't got no scales but I luv you anyway. Yo're as satisfy'n as okry jist a-fry'n in the pan. Yo're as fragrant as "snuff" right out of the can. You have some'a yore teeth, for which I am proud; I hold my head high when we're in a crowd. On special occasions, when you shave under yore arms, well, I'm in hawg heaven, and awed by yore charms. Still them fellers at work, they all want to know, what I did to deserve such a purdy, young doe. Like a good roll of duct tape yo're there fer yore man, to patch up life's troubles and fix what you can. Yo're as cute as a junebug a-buzzin' overhead. You ain't mean like those far ants I found in my bed. Cut from the best cloth like a plaid flannel shirt, you spark up my life more than a fresh load of dirt . When you hold me real tight like a padded gunrack, my life is complete; Ain't nuttin' I lack. Yore complexion, it's perfection, like the best vinyl sidin'. despite all the years, yore age, it keeps hidin'. Me 'n' you's like a Moon Pie with a RC cold drank, we go together like a skunk goes with stank. Some men, they buy chocolate for Valentine's Day; They git it at Wal-Mart, it's romantic that way. Some men git roses on that special day from the cooler at Kroger. "That's impressive," I say. Some men buy fine diamonds from a flea market booth. "Diamonds are forever," they explain, suave and couth. But for this man, honey, these won't do. Cause yo're too special, you sweet thang you. I got you a gift, without taste nor odor, more useful than diamonds... IT'S A NEW TROLL'N MOTOR! Luv, from yor romeo.

The wrong one [My thanks to Hilary for the following] Naomi’s husband dies and all of a sudden she’s on her own to bring up Leah, her 10year old daughter. After some time has passed, she starts looking for a partner, not an easy task, but then Mr Shapiro comes onto the scene. He’s much older than Naomi but is wealthy and presentable, so Naomi accepts his invite for a meal at Bens Kosher Kitchen. They have a good time and start seeing each other on a regular basis. She likes him very much and is glad things are getting serious between them – after all, Leah could do with a new father figure around the house. When it’s time to introduce Mr Shapiro to Leah, she decides to invite him over for a shabbes dinner. He accepts and at once Naomi begins to worry about the one thing that could ruin her chances of marriage - Mr Shapiro has a large wart on his nose. She is worried that Leah will not only stare at it but also laugh at it. No matter how hard she tries, she can’t get the scene out of her mind. Friday arrives and she’s in such despair that she decides to tell Leah what’s troubling her. As they are setting the table, she says, "Please Leah, I want you be on your very best behaviour tonight and.….oh yes, one other thing, darling, don’t say a thing about the wart on Mr Shapiro’s nose. I don’t want him upset." "OK, mum, I won’t mention it, I promise," says Leah. In the event, the meal is a great success. Conversation flows easily and Leah behaves impeccably, not a word out of place. Naomi breathes a massive sigh of relief when Leah asks to be excused just before dessert. As Leah closes the door behind her, Naomi turns towards Mr Shapiro and asks, "So Mr Shapiro, would you like cream or custard on your wart?

Arthur took his college roommate, Samuel, home for Christmas, and after dinner, spoke to his father, "Dad, I need to tell you something. Samuel and I want to get married and we'd like your blessing." Arthur's father practically exploded, his face turned red, and he was literally speechless for ten minutes. When he finally regained his composure, he replied, "Arthur, you CANNOT marry Samuel! For God's sake, Arthur,... he's Jewish!"

A woman awoke during the night to find that her husband was not in bed. She put on her robe and went downstairs. He was sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front of him. He appeared to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall. She saw him wipe a tear from his eye and take a sip of his coffee. "What's the matter dear? Why are you down here at this time of night?" she asked. "Do you remember twenty years ago when we were dating and you were only 16?" he asked. "Yes, I do," she replied. "Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car?" "Yes, I remember." "Do you remember when he shoved that shotgun in my face and said, 'Either you marry my daughter or spend twenty years in jail'?" "Yes, I do," she said. He wiped another tear from his cheek and said, " You know, I would have gotten out today. "

Inflation is creeping up, a young man said to his friend. "Yesterday I ordered a $25.00 steak in a restaurant and told them to put it on my American Express card “ and it fit..

63 Ways To Piss Off A Cop 1. When you get pulled over, say "What's wrong, ossifer, there's no blood in my alcohol?" 2. When he asks why you were speeding, tell him you wanted to race. 3. When he talks to you, pretend you are deaf. 4. If he asks if you knew how fast you were going, say no, my speedometer only goes to... 5. Ask if you can see his gun. 6. When he says you aren't allowed, tell him I just wanted to see if mine was bigger. 7. Touch him. 8. When he asks why you were speeding, tell him you had to buy a hat. 9. Ask him where he bought his cool hat. 10. Refer to him by his first name. 11. Pretend you are gay and ask him out. 12. When he says no, cry. 13. If he says yes, accuse him of sexual harassment. 14. If the cop is a woman, tell her how ugly she is, but in a nice way. 15. If he asks you to step out of the car, automatically throw yourself on the hood. 16. When he asks you to spread them, tell him you don't go that way. 17. When he puts the handcuffs on, say "Usually my dates buy me dinner first" 18. Ask to be fingerprinted with candy, cause you don't like ink on your fingers. 19. After you sign the ticket and give it to him, say "Oops! That's the wrong name." 20. Bribe him with donuts, and when he agrees, tell him sorry, I just ate the last one. 21. When he comes up to the car, say "License and registration, please" right when he says it. 22. When he goes to read you your rights, sing "La La La, I can't hear you!" 23. Trip and fall into him. 24. Accuse him of police brutality when he pushes you away. 25. Before you sign the ticket, pick your nose. You have to sign with his pen. 26. Chew on the pen, nervously. 27. Clean your ear with the pen. 28. If it's a click pen, take it apart and play with the spring. 29. Ask if he has a daughter. If he says yes, say I thought the name sounded familiar... 30. Ask him if he ever worked in a prison. If he says yes, ask him how the plumbing was. 31. Act like you are retarded. 32. When he's telling you what you did wrong, start repeating him, quietly. 33. Mumble to yourself. 34. When he tells you to stop, say what are you talkin about, DUDE? 35. Drive to Dunkin Donuts and say hmmm...only 5 of you here tonight... 36. Ask if they know how to make the donuts. 37. When he comes to the car, say I have a badge just like yours! 38. Ask if he watches Cops. 39. Ask if ever watched Cop Rock. 40. Giggle if he did. 41. Talk to your hand. 42. Ask if he knows somone named Rosy Palm and her Five Favorite Friends. 43. Accuse him of Sexual Harassment if he does. 44. When he frisks you, say You missed a spot, and grin. 45. When he asks to inspect your car, say there is no alcohol in my car, sir, the last cop got it. 46. Try to sell him your car. 47. Ask if you can buy his car. 48. If he takes you to the station, Ask to sit in front. 49. Play with the siren. 50. If you know him, say you had his wife for dinner. 51. If you don't know him, ask if you can have his wife for dinner. Oops...I meant OVER for dinner 52. Ask if he ever had pu-tang er. 53. If he asks what it is, point at him and giggle. 54. If there is someone else in the car, talk to each other in tongues. 55. When he acts confused, keep talking, look at him and laugh. 56. When you are in the back, touch his neck through the fencing. 57. Turn your head and whistle. 58. When he pulls out his night stick, say what you gonna do with that. 59. If you are female, say I don't do that on the first date. 60. If he sticks you in the back of the car, cower in the corner, suck your thumb, and whine. 61. Stare at his lights and say "Look at the pretty colors!" 62. Tell him you like men in uniform. 63. Ask if you can borrow his uniform for a Halloween party.

The young playboy took a blind date to an amusement park. They went for a ride on the Ferris wheel. The ride completed, she seemed rather bored. "What would you like to do next?" he asked. "I wanna be weighed," she said. So the young man took her over to the weight guesser. "One-twelve," said the man at the scale, and he was absolutely right. Next they rode the roller coaster. After that, he bought her some popcorn and cotton candy, then he asked what else she would like to do. "I wanna be weighed," she said. I really latched onto a square one tonight, thought the young man, and using the excuse he had developed a headache, he took the girl home. The girl's mother was surprised to see her home so early, and asked, "What's wrong, dear, didn't you have a nice time tonight?" "Wousy," said the girl.

A man goes to a strip club with an alligator. He says, "I bet you that I can put my dick into this alligator's mouth for 1 minute, and when I take it out, it will not be damaged. If I succeed, all of you will buy me drinks. If I fail, I will buy all of you drinks." The other men agree and he puts his dick into the alligator's mouth for 1 minute. After 1 minute, he hits the alligator on the head with a beer bottle, and he opens his mouth. To everyone's surprise, his dick is unharmed. "Now, before you buy me drinks, does anybody else want to try?" After a while, someone in the back finally raises their hand. It's a woman. "I guess I can try," she says, "but you have to promise not to hit me on the head with a beer bottle."