Marriage is like coffee. First it's really hot. Then it's just right. Then it helps you to get off your ass and do things.

Juan was driving down a country lane in his pickup when suddenly a chicken darted into the road in front of him. He slammed on his brakes, but realized that the chicken wasspeeding off down the road at about 30 miles an hour. Intrigued, he tried to follow the bird with his truck, but he couldn`t catch up to the accelerating chicken. Seeing itturn into a small farm, Juan followed it. To his astonishment, he realized that the chicken had three legs. Looking around the small farm, he noticed that ALL of thechickens had three legs.The farmer came out of his house, and Juan said, "Three-legged chickens? That`s astonishing!"The farmer replied, "Yep. I bred `em that way because I love drumsticks."Juan was curious. "How does a three-legged chicken taste?"The farmer smiled. "Dunno. Haven`t been able to catch one yet."

"Managing senior programmers is like herding cats." --Dave Platt "There is no snooze button on a cat who wants breakfast." --Unknown "Thousands of years ago, cats were worshipped as gods. Cats have never forgotten this." --Anonymous "Cats are smarter than dogs. You can't get eight cats to pull a sled through snow." --Jeff Valdez "In a cat's eye, all things belong to cats." --English proverb "As every cat owner knows, nobody owns a cat." --Ellen Perry Berkeley "One cat just leads to another." --Ernest Hemingway "Dogs come when they're called; cats take a message and get back to you later." --Mary Bly "Cats are rather delicate creatures and they are subject to a good many ailments, but I never heard of one who suffered from insomnia." --Joseph Wood Krutch "People who hate cats, will come back as mice in their next life." --Faith Resnick "There are many intelligent species in the universe. They are all owned by cats." --Anonymous "I have studied many philosophers and many cats. The wisdom of cats is infinitely superior." --Hippolyte Taine "There are two means of refuge from the miseries of life: music and cats." --Albert Schweitzer "The cat has too much spirit to have no heart." --Ernest Menaul "Dogs believe they are human. Cats believe they are God." "Time spent with cats is never wasted." --Colette "Cats seem to go on the principle that it never does any harm to ask for what you want." --Joseph Wood Krutch "Cats aren't clean, they're just covered with cat spit."

You`re like milk, I just wanna make you part of my complete breakfast.

A customer in a bakery was observed carefully examining all therich-looking pastries displayed on trays in the glass cases.When a clerk approached him and asked, "What would you like?"He answered, "I`d like that chocolate-covered, cream-filled doughnut,that jelly-filled doughnut and that cheese Danish."Then with a sigh he added, "But I`ll take an oat-bran muffin."

This Antartian was out to dinner with some friends and they were talking about states and capitals. The Antartian commented: "I can name every capital to every state and in any order you want!" So the friends wanted to put the Antartian to the test and decided to give it a try. Someone then said: "What is the capital to Wyoming?" The Antartian replied with: "Can't you ask me something harder... the capital of Wyoming is easy... its W!"

Steve, Bob and Jeff are working on a very high scaffolding. Suddenly, Steve falls off. He is killed instantaneously. After the ambulance leaves with Steve's body, Bob and Jeff realize they'll have to inform his wife. Bob says he's good at this sort of sensitive stuff, so he volunteers to do the job. After two hours he returns, carrying a six-pack of beer. "So did you tell her?" asks Jeff. "Yep", replies Bob. "Say, where did you get the six-pack?" Bob informs Jeff. "She gave it to me." "WHAT?" exclaims Jeff, "you just told her her husband died and she gave you a six-pack?" "Sure," Bob says. "WHY?" asks Jeff. "Well," Bob continues, "when she answered the door, I asked her, 'are you Steve's widow?' 'Widow?', she said, 'no, no, you're mistaken, I'm not a widow!' So I said: "I'll bet you a six-pack you ARE!'"

Once, while dining in a fancy New York restaurant, Chuck Norris discovered a fly in his soup. There were no survivors.

The Soup Nazi lets Chuck Norris have as much soup as he wants.

Crop circles aren't made by aliens -- it's just Chuck Norris playing with his cereal.

"Are you a magic mushroom? Because you are making me grow."

Jews in China Sid and Al were sitting in a Chinese restaurant. "Sid," asked Al, "Are there any Jews in China?" "I don`t know," Sid replied. "Why don`t we ask the waiter?" When the waiter came by, Al said, "Are there any Chinese Jews?" "I don`t know sir, let me ask," the waiter replied and he went into the kitchen. He quickly returned and said, "No, sir. No Chinese Jews." "Are you sure?" Al asked. "I will check again, sir." the waiter replied and went back to the kitchen. While he was still gone, Sid said, "I cannot believe there are no Jews in China. Our people are scattered everywhere." When the waiter returned he said, "Sir, no Chinese Jews." "Are you really sure?" Al asked again. "I cannot believe there are no Chinese Jews." "Sir, I ask everyone," the waiter replied exasperated. "We have orange jews, prune jews, tomato jews and grape jews, but no one ever hear of Chinese jews!"

What did the grape do when he got stepped on? He let out a little wine.

A man was getting ready for work one morning when his wife looked at him and said, "What is the matter with you? You look terrible." He replied that he felt great. The man went to work where his boss took one look at him and said, "What is the matter with you? You look terrible." The man replied that there was nothing wrong with him and that he felt great. The man went to lunch with a client and the client looked at him and said, "What is the matter with you? You look terrible." The man again replied that he felt great. The client suggested he go to the doctor right away because he looked so bad. The man went to the doctor, and when the doctor walked into the examining room and saw him the doctor said, "My god, you look terrible." The man explained that everyone was telling him that he looked terrible but that he felt great. The doctor said, "Are you sure you feel great?" The man reiterated that he definitely felt great! The doctor got out his medical book and looked up "looks terrible". After he found that he looked up the subsection "feels great". The doctor said, "I found it right here under 'looks terrible, feels great'. The man, at this point very nervous, inquired to the doctor, "Tell me, what is it?" The doctor replied, "According to my book... you're a vagina!"

One day Mikey was sitting in his apartment when his doorbell unexpectedly rang. He answered the door and found a salesman standing on his porch with a strange object. "What is that?" Mikey asked. "It's a thermos," the salesman replied. "What does it do?" asked Mikey. "This baby," the salesman said, "keeps hot things hot and cold things cold." After some deliberation Mikey bought one, deciding it would really help his lunch situation. The next day he arrived at the plant where he works. Sure enough, all the other employees were curious about his new object. "What is it?" they asked. "It's a thermos," Mikey replied. "What does it do?" they asked. "Well," Mikey says in a bragging manner, "It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold." "What do ya got in it?" To which Mikey says, "Three cups of coffee and a popsicle."

Two little boys were visiting their grandfather and he took them to a restaurant for lunch. They couldn't make up their minds about what they wanted to eat. Finally the grandfather grinned at the server and said, "Just bring them bread and water." One of the little boys looked up and quavered, "Can I have ketchup on it?"

A dinner speaker was in such a hurry to get to his engagement that when he arrived and sat down at the head table, he suddenly realized that he had forgotten his false teeth. Turning to the man next to him he said, "I forgot my teeth." The man said, "No problem." He reached into his pocket and pulled out a pair of false teeth. "Try these," he said. The speaker tried them. "Too loose," he said. The man then said, "I have another pair - try these." The speaker tried them and responded, "Too tight." The man was not taken back at all. He then said, "I have one more pair. Try them." The speaker said, "They fit perfectly."With that he ate his meal and gave his speech. After the dinner meeting was over, the speaker went over to thank the man who had helped him. "I want to thank you for coming to my aid. Where is your office? I've been looking for a good dentist." The man replied, "I'm not a dentist. I'm an undertaker."

A German tourist walks into a McDonald's in New York City and orders a beer. (In Germany and many parts of Europe, McDonald's actually does serve beer.) The local guy in the line behind him immediately gives him the jab: "They don't serve BEER here, you MORON!" The German fellow felt pretty stupid, but suddenly turns to the New Yorker with a surprised look, and begins to chuckle. "And what's so funny?!?" the New Yorker demands. "Oh, nothing really, I just realized that you came here for the food."

You might be a Redneck Jedi if... You ever heard the phrase, "May the force be with y'all." Your Jedi robe is camouflage. You have ever used your light saber to open a bottle of Bud Light. At least one wing of your X-Wings is primer colored. You can easily describe the taste of an Ewok. You have ever had a land-speeder up on blocks in your yard. The worst part of spending time on Dagobah is the dadgum skeeters. Wookies are offended by your B.O. You have ever used the force to get yourself another beer so you didn't have to wait for a commercial. You have ever used the force in conjunction with fishing/bowling. Your father has ever said to you, "Shoot, son come on over to the dark side...it'll be a hoot." You have ever had your R-2 unit use its self-defense electro-shock thingy to get the barbecue grill to light. You have a confederate flag painted on the hood of your land-speeder. You ever fantasized about Princess Leah wearing Daisy Duke shorts. You have the doors of your X-wing welded shut and you have to get in through the window. Although you had to kill him, you kinda thought that Jabba the Hutt had a pretty good handle on how to treat his women. You have a cousin who bears a strong resemblance to Chewbacca. You suggested that they outfit the Millennium Falcon with redwood deck. You were the only person drinking Jack Daniels during the cantina scene. If you hear . . . "Luke, I am your father . . . and your uncle."

Ocean City: Raw hamburger may not be sold.