A woman announces to her friend that she is getting married for the fourth time. "How wonderful! But I hope you don't mind me asking what happened to your first husband?" "He ate poisonous mushrooms and died." "Oh, how tragic! What about your second husband?" "He ate poisonous mushrooms, too, and died." "Oh, how terrible! I'm almost afraid to ask you about your third husband." "He died of a broken neck." "A broken neck?" "He wouldn't eat the mushrooms."

A small boy was lost, so he went up to a policeman and said, "I've lost my dad!" The cop said, "What's he like?" The little boy replied, "Beer and women!"

If life hands Chuck Norris lemons, he makes beer.

I was taking my weekly trip to the ice cream store. When I arrived cops surrounded the store & they had the store entrance sealed up. I asked a cop who was standing near by what happened, he replied "we were called by a member of the public who entered the store to find the owner lying face down on the floor and he was covered from head to toe in syrup, nut sprinkles and chocolate sprinkles." I asked what they thought happened and the cop replied, "He topped himself."

I went to see my doctor to see if he could help me give up smoking. What did he say? He suggested that every time I felt like a smoke I should reach for a bar of chocolate. Did that do any good? No - I can't get the chocolate to light.

Rush Limbaugh and his chauffeur were out driving in the country and accidentally hit and killed a pig that had wandered out on a country road. Limbaugh told the chauffeur to drive up to the farm and apologize to the farmer. They drove up to the farm, the chauffeur got out and knocked on the front door and was let in. He was in there for what seemed like hours. When the chauffeur came out, Limbaugh was confused about why his driver had been in there so long. "Well, first the farmer shook my hand, then he offered me a beer, then his wife brought me some cookies, and his daughter showered me with kisses." explained the driver. "What did you tell the farmer?" Limbaugh asked. The chauffeur replied, "I told him I was Rush Limbaugh's driver and I'd just killed the pig."

Whats the definition of a perfect woman? a) Three feet tall with a round hole for a mouth and a flat head so that you can put a pint of beer on it. b) The sports model has pullback ears and her teeth fold in. c) The economy model fucks all night and at midnight turn into a roastbeef sandwich and a sixpack.

Hello, police? Please send an officer over to 324 London Road right away! Sorry, this isn't the police station. It's the Delicatessen. Oh. Well, in that case, please send over a pastrami sandwich!

You know your mother is Jewish when She cries at your bris - because you’re not engaged already. She shouts “Mazeltov.” - every time she hears some crockery break. She does all her Pesach shopping for next Pesach as soon as Passover ends – because she can buy the essential items at sale prices. She calls you many times a day before 10am - because she wants to ask you how your day is going. She takes an extra suitcase with her on holiday – because where else can she put the hotel’s face cloths, soaps, shampoos, bath oils, shower hats and shoe shiners? She cries at your Barmitzvah - because you’re not engaged already. She goes to her doctor for every minor ailment – so she can show your photo to the young single doctors. She won’t let you leave home without a coat and some advice on dating – because ‘mother knows best’. She takes restaurant leftovers home with her - “I should throw away?” She cries on your 21st birthday - because you’re not engaged already. She’s serves you chopped liver every week - because just once, when you were young, you told her you loved chopped liver. She makes an extra shabbos table setting – because you just might have met your beshert on the way over. She gets mad with you if you buy jewellery at full price – because she knows someone who could have got it cheaper in Tel Aviv. She encourages you to do whatever you want with your life - as long as it includes grandchildren. She’s regularly heard muttering - “Is one grandchild too much to ask for?

Chuck Norris once finished a whole cake, before his friends told him there was a stripper in it.

Waiter, waiter, do you have frog's legs? Certainly, Sir! Well hop over here and get me a sandwich!

Two cannibals were having lunch. 'Your girlfriend makes a great soup,' said one to the other. 'Yes!' agreed the first. 'But, U'm going to miss her terribly.'.

Jane's father decided to take all the family out to a restaurant for a meal. As he'd spent quite a lot of money for the meal he said to the waiter, "Could I have a bag to take the leftovers home for the dog?" "Gosh!" exclaimed Jane, "Are we getting a dog?"

Have you ever seen a man-eating tiger? No, but in the restaurant next door I once saw a man eating chicken!

Camel Died A nun and a priest are riding a camel through the dessert. After a few days the camel falls over dead. After looking over the situation the priest figures neither one of them will survive the rest of the journey. The priest asks the nun "I have never seen a woman's breasts, and at this point it probably wouldn't matter much, so could I see yours?" The nun agrees and shows him her breasts. "May I touch them?" The nun allows him to. The priest comments sincerely how wonderful they are. The nun then asks "Father, I have never seen a man's penis before, could you show me yours? The priest drops his drawers. "May I touch it?" After she fondles his penis for a minute he sports a huge erection. The priest says, "you know if I place my penis in the proper place it can give life!" "Is that right" the nun replies? "Yes," says the priest. So the nun said: "Then why don't you stick it up that camels ass and lets get the hell out of here!"

A cannibal entered the meat market to buy something nice for dinner. The owner greeted him and told him to look around. The cannibal began to inspect the meat case and noticed the market specialized in brain. Upon further inspection he noticed a marked disparity between the costs of brain meats. A carpenter's brain sells for $1.50 per pound. A plumber's brain sells for $2.25 per pound. He noticed with alarm that a politician's brain sells for $375.00 a pound. With not a little curiosity he asked the owner why the huge difference in price between the similar meats. The owner responded with a deadpan look on his face, "Do you realize how many politicians it takes to get a pound of brains?"

This truck driver hauling a tractor-trailer load of computers stops for a beer. As he approaches the bar, he sees a big sign on the door saying: "Nerds Not Allowed -- Enter At Your Own Risk!" He goes in and sits down. The bartender comes over to him. "You smell kind of nerdy. What do you do for a living?" "I drive a truck, and the smell is just from the computers I'm hauling." "Okay, truck drivers are not nerds," he says and serves him a beer. As he is sipping his beer, a skinny guy walks in with tape around his glasses, a pocket protector with twelve kinds of pens and pencils, and a belt at least a foot too long. The bartender, without saying a word, pulls out a shotgun and blows the guy away. The truck driver is totally shocked. "Why did you do that?" "Not to worry, the nerds are overpopulating Silicon Valley and are in season now. You don't even need a license." The truck driver finishes his beer, gets back in his truck, and heads back onto the freeway. Suddenly, he veers to avoid an accident, and the load shifts. The back door breaks open and computers spill out all over the freeway. He jumps out and sees a crowd already forming, grabbing up the computers.They are all engineers, accountants, and programmers wearing the nerdiest clothes he has ever seen! He can't let them steal his whole load. So, remembering what happened in the bar, he pulls out his gun and starts blasting away, felling several of them instantly. A highway patrol officer comes zooming up and jumps out of the car screaming at him to stop. "What's wrong? I thought nerds were in season," says the truck driver. "Well, sure," says the patrolman. "But you can't bait 'em!"

A little Henry sits at the dinner table, reaches into his plate, picks up a chicken leg, and starts to eat. His mother says, "Henry did you wash your hands?" Henry replies, "No! I don`t want my chicken to taste like soap mom!

It's time for all bad spellers to untie. I yell because i care. Is it true that cannibals won't eat a clown because they're afraid they will Taste funny? Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder. Pets welcome: children must be on leash. He who laughs last, has the best lawyer. Actually i am a rocket scientist. I've been dieting for 31 days and all i lost was 31 days. Warning: i have an attitude and i know how to use it. Take me drunk i'm home again Don't do what i say do what i mean At the feast of ego, everyone leaves hungry. I'm looking for the upper taker not the undertaker. General custer wore arrow shirts. The word verb is actually a noun. It's not whether you win or lose, what counts is if i win or lose.

HOW YOU KNOW YOU'VE HAD TOO MUCH OF THE 1990' 1.) You tried to enter your password on the microwave. 2.) You now think of three espressos as "getting wasted." 3.) You haven't played solitaire with a real deck of cards in years. 4.) You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of 3. 5.) You e-mail your son in his room to tell him that dinner is ready, and he e-mails you back "What's for dinner?" 6.) Your daughter sells Girl Scout Cookies via her web site. 7.) You chat several times a day with a stranger from South Africa, but you haven't spoken to your next door neighbor yet this year. 8.) You didn't give your valentine a card this year, but you posted one for your e-mail buddies via a web page. 9.) Your daughter just bought a C.D. of all the records y.