Waiter, waiter, do you have frog's legs? Certainly, Sir! Well hop over here and get me a sandwich!

Two cannibals were having lunch. 'Your girlfriend makes a great soup,' said one to the other. 'Yes!' agreed the first. 'But, U'm going to miss her terribly.'.

Jane's father decided to take all the family out to a restaurant for a meal. As he'd spent quite a lot of money for the meal he said to the waiter, "Could I have a bag to take the leftovers home for the dog?" "Gosh!" exclaimed Jane, "Are we getting a dog?"

Have you ever seen a man-eating tiger? No, but in the restaurant next door I once saw a man eating chicken!

Camel Died A nun and a priest are riding a camel through the dessert. After a few days the camel falls over dead. After looking over the situation the priest figures neither one of them will survive the rest of the journey. The priest asks the nun "I have never seen a woman's breasts, and at this point it probably wouldn't matter much, so could I see yours?" The nun agrees and shows him her breasts. "May I touch them?" The nun allows him to. The priest comments sincerely how wonderful they are. The nun then asks "Father, I have never seen a man's penis before, could you show me yours? The priest drops his drawers. "May I touch it?" After she fondles his penis for a minute he sports a huge erection. The priest says, "you know if I place my penis in the proper place it can give life!" "Is that right" the nun replies? "Yes," says the priest. So the nun said: "Then why don't you stick it up that camels ass and lets get the hell out of here!"

A cannibal entered the meat market to buy something nice for dinner. The owner greeted him and told him to look around. The cannibal began to inspect the meat case and noticed the market specialized in brain. Upon further inspection he noticed a marked disparity between the costs of brain meats. A carpenter's brain sells for $1.50 per pound. A plumber's brain sells for $2.25 per pound. He noticed with alarm that a politician's brain sells for $375.00 a pound. With not a little curiosity he asked the owner why the huge difference in price between the similar meats. The owner responded with a deadpan look on his face, "Do you realize how many politicians it takes to get a pound of brains?"

This truck driver hauling a tractor-trailer load of computers stops for a beer. As he approaches the bar, he sees a big sign on the door saying: "Nerds Not Allowed -- Enter At Your Own Risk!" He goes in and sits down. The bartender comes over to him. "You smell kind of nerdy. What do you do for a living?" "I drive a truck, and the smell is just from the computers I'm hauling." "Okay, truck drivers are not nerds," he says and serves him a beer. As he is sipping his beer, a skinny guy walks in with tape around his glasses, a pocket protector with twelve kinds of pens and pencils, and a belt at least a foot too long. The bartender, without saying a word, pulls out a shotgun and blows the guy away. The truck driver is totally shocked. "Why did you do that?" "Not to worry, the nerds are overpopulating Silicon Valley and are in season now. You don't even need a license." The truck driver finishes his beer, gets back in his truck, and heads back onto the freeway. Suddenly, he veers to avoid an accident, and the load shifts. The back door breaks open and computers spill out all over the freeway. He jumps out and sees a crowd already forming, grabbing up the computers.They are all engineers, accountants, and programmers wearing the nerdiest clothes he has ever seen! He can't let them steal his whole load. So, remembering what happened in the bar, he pulls out his gun and starts blasting away, felling several of them instantly. A highway patrol officer comes zooming up and jumps out of the car screaming at him to stop. "What's wrong? I thought nerds were in season," says the truck driver. "Well, sure," says the patrolman. "But you can't bait 'em!"

A little Henry sits at the dinner table, reaches into his plate, picks up a chicken leg, and starts to eat. His mother says, "Henry did you wash your hands?" Henry replies, "No! I don`t want my chicken to taste like soap mom!

It's time for all bad spellers to untie. I yell because i care. Is it true that cannibals won't eat a clown because they're afraid they will Taste funny? Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder. Pets welcome: children must be on leash. He who laughs last, has the best lawyer. Actually i am a rocket scientist. I've been dieting for 31 days and all i lost was 31 days. Warning: i have an attitude and i know how to use it. Take me drunk i'm home again Don't do what i say do what i mean At the feast of ego, everyone leaves hungry. I'm looking for the upper taker not the undertaker. General custer wore arrow shirts. The word verb is actually a noun. It's not whether you win or lose, what counts is if i win or lose.

HOW YOU KNOW YOU'VE HAD TOO MUCH OF THE 1990' 1.) You tried to enter your password on the microwave. 2.) You now think of three espressos as "getting wasted." 3.) You haven't played solitaire with a real deck of cards in years. 4.) You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of 3. 5.) You e-mail your son in his room to tell him that dinner is ready, and he e-mails you back "What's for dinner?" 6.) Your daughter sells Girl Scout Cookies via her web site. 7.) You chat several times a day with a stranger from South Africa, but you haven't spoken to your next door neighbor yet this year. 8.) You didn't give your valentine a card this year, but you posted one for your e-mail buddies via a web page. 9.) Your daughter just bought a C.D. of all the records y.

When can you count on a hamburger in an emergency? When the chips are down!

An antarctican goes into a restaurant, buys a coffee and sits down to drink it. She looks on the side of her cup and finds a peel-off prize. She pulls off the tab and yells, "I WON! I WON! I WON a motor home! I WON a motor home!" The waitress runs over and says, "That's impossible. The biggest prize given away was a mini van!" The antarctican replies, "No. I WON A motor home, I WON a motor home!" By this time the manager makes his way over to the table and says, "You couldn't possibly have won a motor homes because we didn't have that as a prize!" Again the antarctican says, "No, no mistake, I WON a motor home, I WON a motor home!" She hands the prize ticket to the manager and he reads, "WIN A BAGEL."

When the crooked hamburger took it on the 'lamb', where did it go? Oh, 'ewe' know!

Ocean City: People may not slurp their soup.

Steve is shopping for a new motorcycle. He finally finds one for a great price. The motorcycle is missing a seal, though, so whenever it rains Steve has to smear Vaseline over the spot where the seal should be. Steve?s girlfriend is having him over for dinner to meet her parents one evening. He drives his new motorcycle to his girlfriend?s house. She is waiting outside for him when he arrives. "No matter what happens at dinner tonight, don't say a word. Our family had a fight a while ago about doing the dinner dishes. We haven't done any since... and the first person to speak at dinner has to do them." Steve sits down for dinner and soon notices that his girlfriend wasn?t exaggerating. It is just how she described it. Dishes are piled up to the ceiling in the kitchen and nobody is saying a word. Steve decides to have a little fun. He grabs his girlfriend, throws her onto the table and has sex with her in front of her parents. His girlfriend is a little flustered, her father is obviously livid, and her mother is horrified. Yet, when Steve and his girlfriend resume their placs at the dinner table, nobody says a word. A few minutes later, Steve grabs his girlfriend?s mom, throws her onto the table and does a repeat performance. Now his girlfriend is furious, her father is boiling, and her mother is a little more pleased. But still, there is complete silence at the table. Suddenly, there is a loud clap of thunder and it starts to rain. Steve remembers his motorcycle outside and so he jumps up and grabs his jar of Vaseline. With a look of terror in his eyes, the girlfriend?s father backs away from the table and exclaims, "Okay, enough already, I'll do the damn dishes!"

What did the pig say when it found a fly in its soup? "Yum Yum."

A black guy and a Mexican guy opened a restaurant. It's called Nacho Mama.

A Polak walks into a coffee shop with a Thermos. He asks the owner how many cups of coffee it will hold. The owner says 4. The Polak says, "OK put in one black and three with cream and sugar."

While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly shut-ins, I used to take my four-year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds. She was unfailingly intrigued by the various appliances of old age, particularly the canes, walkers, and wheelchairs.One day, I found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered, "The tooth fairy will never believe this!"

I'm Only Here For The Free Food.