The young clerk's responsibilities included bringing the judge a hot cup of coffee at the start of every day. Each morning the judge was enraged that the coffee cup arrived two-thirds full. The clerk explained that he had to rush to get the coffee delivered while it was still hot, which caused him to spill much of it along the way. None of the judge's yelling and insults produced a full cup of coffee, until he finally threatened to cut the clerk's pay by one-third if he continued to produce one-third less than the judge wanted. The next morning he was greeted with a cup of coffee that was full to the brim, and the next morning and the morning after that. The judge couldn't resist gloating over his success and smugly complimented the clerk on his new technique. "Oh, there's not much to.

Yeltsin, Clinton and Bill Gates were invited to have dinner with God. During dinner he told them: I need three important people to send my message out to all the people: "Tomorrow I will destroy the earth." Yeltsin immediately called together his cabinet and told them: "I have two really bad news items for you: 1) God really exists and 2) Tomorrow He will destroy the earth." Clinton called an emergency meeting of the Senate and Congress and told them: "I have good news and bad news: 1) The GOOD news is that God really does exist 2) The BAD news is, tomorrow He is going to destroy the earth." Bill Gates went back to Microsoft and very happily announced: "I have two fantastic announcements: 1) I am one of the three most important people on earth 2) The Year 2000 problem is solved."

First Cannibal: "Have you seen the dentist?" Second Cannibal: "Yes, he filled my teeth at dinner time."

A guy walks into a pub and sees a sign hanging over the bar which reads: Cheese Sandwich: $1.50 Chicken Sandwich: $2.50 Hand Job: $10.00 Checking his wallet for the necessary payment, he walks up to the bar and beckons to one of the three attractive blondes serving drinks to an eager-looking group of men. "Yes," she inquires with a knowing smile, "can I help you?" "I was wondering," whispers the man, "are you the one who gives the hand-jobs?" "Yes," she purrs, "indeed I am." The man replies "Well please wash your hands because I want a cheese sandwich!"

What is red and stands in the corner? a naughty strawberry.

This guy has been dating a girl for 4 months now. She calls him up one day and tells him: "Paul you have to meet my parents. We have been going out for like 4 months". He agrees... The day he agrees to meet her family,he is having some MAJOR gas! The whole drive to her parents house he is letting off some bombs, and he's thinking to himself: PLEASE let this gas go away. He gets to her parents house, she walks him into the living area. "Daddy,this is Paul".. they shake hands. "Mom,this is Paul". They hug. The mother and the girlfriend go get dinner ready. Paul and the father are sitting on the couch having conversation. He soooo cant pay any attention to really what the father is saying cause he has some MAJOR gas. He thinks to himself: I'm gonna let out just a tiny one. So he does, he didnt smell nothing and their dog is at his feet, so he figures the father will think it is the dog. The father didnt look at him any different. He thought OH COOL MAN, maybe i get rid of my stomach ache. So time passes and Paul has been letting out some silent "little friends". The whole time that he has been letting go of some gas he was petting the dog to get it to stay at his feet, so the father will think its the dog stinkin'. So he lets out this one which burns his ass. The father looked up with this weird look on his face and say "JAKE Boy, you better move before that kid shits on you".

A friend and I were standing in line at a fast-food restaurant, waiting to place our order. There was a big sign posted. "No bills larger than $20 will be accepted." The woman in front of us, pointing to the sign, remarked, "Believe me, if I HAD a bill larger than $20, I wouldn't be eating here."

"I was married 3 times" explained the man to a newly discovered drinking partner, "and I'll never marry again. My first 2 wives died of eating poison mushrooms and my 3rd wife died of a fractured skull." "That's a shame." said his friend , "How did it happen?" "She wouldn't eat the mushrooms!"

If two lawyers were drowning, and you could only save one of them, would you read the paper or go to lunch?

What would you get if you crossed a monster with a Thanksgiving dessert? Bumpkin pie!

The local Pastor was visiting the home of Sister Jones to comfort her after the recent loss of her husband. "Come in Pastor." Stated Sister Jones. "Have a seat on the sofa." Sitting on the sofa, the Pastor eyed a dish of peanuts setting on the coffee table. He took a few of the peanuts and began to eat them. After ten minutes he noticed that he had eaten nearly all the peanuts. "Why Sister Jones," said the Pastor, "It appears that I have eaten almost all your peanuts." "That's okay Pastor." replied Sister Jones. "Now that I have lost all my teeth I only get to suck the chocolate off!"

A city boy was on his first camping trip. He was eating his lunch under a tree when an old-timer came along. 'It smells like rain,' he said to the boy. The city boy replied, 'They said it was lemonade.'.

Where do pirates get chocolate? Carob bean.

Classification of mathematical problems as linear and nonlinear is like classification of the Universe as bananas and non-bananas.

Customer to friend: This is a wonderful restaurant. I ordered salad and I got the freshest salad in the world, I ordered coffee, and I got the freshest coffee in the world. Friend: I know - I ordered a small steak and got a calf.

My husband retired, and for the first time in over 40 years I had to think about preparing midday meals.Tired of it after several months, I said, "I married you for better or worse, but not for lunch.""Fair enough. From now on I`ll make my own," he replied.A few weeks later he had to go downtown on business and invited me to join him afterwards."We could have lunch at that Chinese place we both like," he suggested.I happily agreed. At the restaurant the next day we were seated, and the waiter came to take our order.My husband looked up, a twinkle in his eyes and said, "Separate checks, please..."

Did you hear about the time Eddy's sister tried to make a birthday cake? The candles melted in the oven.

Doctor. Doctor. "I've got a strawberry stuck up my bum." Doctor. "I've got some cream for that."

Yo momma is like a Chinese restaurant - All you can eat for only $9.95!

The following is the first fact/joke on this website. Chuck Norris once bet NASA he could survive reentry without a spacesuit. On July 19, 1999, a naked Chuck Norris reentered the earth's atmosphere, streaking over 14 states and reaching a temperature of 3,000 degrees. An embarrassed NASA publicly claimed it was a meteor, and still owes him a beer. I know because I posted it on here.