What is small, furry and smells like bacon? A hamster.

During the first day of Hanukkah, two elderly Jewish men were sitting in a wonderful deli frequented almost exclusively by Jews in New York City. They were talking amongst themselves in Yiddish - the colorful language of Jews who came over from Eastern Europe A Chinese waiter, only one year in New York, came up and in fluent impeccable Yiddish asked them if everything was okay and if they were enjoying the holiday. The Jewish men were dumbfounded.?Where did he ever learn such perfect Yiddish? they both thought. After they paid the bill they asked the restaurant manager, an old friend of theirs,?Where did our waiter learn such fabulous Yiddish? The manager looked around and leaned in so no one else will hear and said...?Shhhh. He thinks we're teaching him English.?

A boy takes a girl out on a first date. He drives them to a remote and romantic spot outside the city, puts his arms around her and says: "what do you know, wer'e out of gas". The girl then opens a purse and puts out a bottle. "Cool, is this wine?" the boy asks. "No", she answers, "It's gasoline".

"I want you to drink a cup of hot water every morning," prescribed the doctor. "You gotta be kidding, doc," I`ve been doing that for years, but my wife calls it coffee".

A woman was leaving a 7-11 with her morning coffee when she noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery. A long black hearse was followed by a second black hearse just 50 feet behind. Behind the second hearse was a solitary woman walking a pit bull on a leash. Behind her 200 women walking single file. The woman's curiosity got the best of her. She respectfully approached the woman walking the dog and said, "I am so sorry for your loss and I know now is a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this. Whose funeral is it?" The woman replied, "Well, the first hearse is for my husband." "What happened to him?" The woman replied, "My dog attacked and killed him." The woman was even more inquisitive, "Well, who's in the second hearse?" "My-mother-in law. She tried to help my husband when the dog turned on her and killed her too." A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passed between the two women. "Could I borrow that dog?" "Get in line."

What did the little ghost eat for lunch? A booloney sandwich!

A soldier serving in Asia met this lovely Chinese girl in the park. They ended up having dinner and, that night in the hotel while having sex, the girl let out a very loud fart. The soldier jumped out of the bed to get away from the odor. The embarassed girl looked up at him and said, "Oh, so sorry but, front hole so HAPPY, back hole MUST CHEER."

Things That Are Difficult to Say When You're Drinking: Indubitably Innovative Preliminary Proliferation Cinnamon Things That Are VERY Difficult to Say When You're Drinking: Specificity Cogito ergo sum British Constitution Passive-aggressive disorder Loquacious Transubstantiate Things That Are Downright IMPOSSIBLE to Say When You're Drinking: Nope, no more beer for me Sorry, but you're not really my type Good evening, officer, isn't it lovely out tonight? Oh, I just couldn't--no one wants to hear me sing!

Young Jimmy was having a snack after school with his Gran. ' Would you like another cookie?' she asked. 'Yes, please,' replied Jimmy. 'What good manners you have,' said his Gran. ' I do like to hear young people say 'please' and 'thank you'.' 'I'll say them both if I can have a big piece of that cake,' replied Jimmy!

A woman announces to her friend that she is getting married for the fourth time. "How wonderful! But I hope you don't mind me asking what happened to your first husband?" "He ate poisonous mushrooms and died." "Oh, how tragic! What about your second husband?" "He ate poisonous mushrooms, too, and died." "Oh, how terrible! I'm almost afraid to ask you about your third husband." "He died of a broken neck." "A broken neck?" "He wouldn't eat the mushrooms."

A small boy was lost, so he went up to a policeman and said, "I've lost my dad!" The cop said, "What's he like?" The little boy replied, "Beer and women!"

If life hands Chuck Norris lemons, he makes beer.

I was taking my weekly trip to the ice cream store. When I arrived cops surrounded the store & they had the store entrance sealed up. I asked a cop who was standing near by what happened, he replied "we were called by a member of the public who entered the store to find the owner lying face down on the floor and he was covered from head to toe in syrup, nut sprinkles and chocolate sprinkles." I asked what they thought happened and the cop replied, "He topped himself."

I went to see my doctor to see if he could help me give up smoking. What did he say? He suggested that every time I felt like a smoke I should reach for a bar of chocolate. Did that do any good? No - I can't get the chocolate to light.

Rush Limbaugh and his chauffeur were out driving in the country and accidentally hit and killed a pig that had wandered out on a country road. Limbaugh told the chauffeur to drive up to the farm and apologize to the farmer. They drove up to the farm, the chauffeur got out and knocked on the front door and was let in. He was in there for what seemed like hours. When the chauffeur came out, Limbaugh was confused about why his driver had been in there so long. "Well, first the farmer shook my hand, then he offered me a beer, then his wife brought me some cookies, and his daughter showered me with kisses." explained the driver. "What did you tell the farmer?" Limbaugh asked. The chauffeur replied, "I told him I was Rush Limbaugh's driver and I'd just killed the pig."

Whats the definition of a perfect woman? a) Three feet tall with a round hole for a mouth and a flat head so that you can put a pint of beer on it. b) The sports model has pullback ears and her teeth fold in. c) The economy model fucks all night and at midnight turn into a roastbeef sandwich and a sixpack.

Hello, police? Please send an officer over to 324 London Road right away! Sorry, this isn't the police station. It's the Delicatessen. Oh. Well, in that case, please send over a pastrami sandwich!

You know your mother is Jewish when She cries at your bris - because you’re not engaged already. She shouts “Mazeltov.” - every time she hears some crockery break. She does all her Pesach shopping for next Pesach as soon as Passover ends – because she can buy the essential items at sale prices. She calls you many times a day before 10am - because she wants to ask you how your day is going. She takes an extra suitcase with her on holiday – because where else can she put the hotel’s face cloths, soaps, shampoos, bath oils, shower hats and shoe shiners? She cries at your Barmitzvah - because you’re not engaged already. She goes to her doctor for every minor ailment – so she can show your photo to the young single doctors. She won’t let you leave home without a coat and some advice on dating – because ‘mother knows best’. She takes restaurant leftovers home with her - “I should throw away?” She cries on your 21st birthday - because you’re not engaged already. She’s serves you chopped liver every week - because just once, when you were young, you told her you loved chopped liver. She makes an extra shabbos table setting – because you just might have met your beshert on the way over. She gets mad with you if you buy jewellery at full price – because she knows someone who could have got it cheaper in Tel Aviv. She encourages you to do whatever you want with your life - as long as it includes grandchildren. She’s regularly heard muttering - “Is one grandchild too much to ask for?

Chuck Norris once finished a whole cake, before his friends told him there was a stripper in it.

Waiter, waiter, do you have frog's legs? Certainly, Sir! Well hop over here and get me a sandwich!