The following statements about the Bible were written by children and have not been retouched or corrected In the first book of the Bible, Guinesses, God got tired of creating the world, so he took the Sabbath off.Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree.Noah`s wife was called Joan of Ark because Noah built the ark, which the animals came to in pears.Lot`s wife was a pillar of salt by day, but a ball of fire by night.The Jews were a proud people and throughout history they had trouble with unsympathetic Genitals.Samson was a strong man who let himself be led astray by a Jezebel like Delilah.Samson slew the Philistines with the axe of the Apostles.Moses led the Hebrews to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread, which is bread without any ingredients.The Egyptians were all drowned in the dessert.Afterwards, Moses went up to Mount Cyanide to find the ten commendments.The first commandment was when Eve told Adam to eat the apple.The seventh commandment is "Thou shalt not admit adultery".Moses died before he ever reached Canada.Then Joshua led the Hebrews in the battle of Geritol.The greatest miracle in the Bible is when Joshua told his son to stand still and he obeyed him.David was a Hebrew king skilled at playing the liar. He fought with the Finkelsteins, a race of people who lived in Biblical times.Solomon, one of David`s sons, had 300 wives and 700 porcupines.When Mary heard that she was the mother of Jesus, she sang the Magna Carta.Then the three Wise Guys from the east arrived and found Jesus in the manager.Jesus was born because Mary had an Immaculate Contraption.St. John, the blacksmith, dumped water on his head.Jesus enunciated the Golden Rule, which says do one to others before they do one to you.He also explained that "Man does not live by sweat alone".It was a miricle when Jesus rose from the dead and managed to get the tombstone off the entrance.The people who followed Jesus were called the 12 decibles.The epistles were the wives of the apostles.One of the opossums was St. Matthew who was also a taximan.St. Paul cavorted to Christianity. He preached the holy acrimony, which is another name for marriage.A Christian should have only one spouse. This is called monotony.

The Perfect Employee? 1 Bob Smith, my assistant programmer, can always be found 2 hard at work at his desk. He works independently, without 3 wasting company time talking to colleagues. Bob never 4 thinks twice about assisting fellow employees, and always 5 finishes given assignments on time. Often he takes extended 6 measures to complete his work, sometimes skipping coffee 7 breaks. Bob is a dedicated individual who has absolutely no 8 vanity in spite of his high accomplishments and profound 9 knowledge in his field. I firmly believe that Bob can be 10 classed as an asset employee, the type which cannot be 11 dispensed with. Consequently, I recommend that Bob be 12 promoted to executive management, and a proposal will be 13 executed as soon as possible. Addendum: That idiot was standing over my shoulder while I wrote the report sent to you earlier today. Kindly re-read only the odd numbered lines.

How can you tell the difference between a monster and a banana? Try picking it up. If you can't, it's either a monster or a giant banana.

School lunch It was lunchtime at the Jewish nursery school and all the children were lined up by the teachers. Then, as usual, they were led into the canteen. Little Moshe quickly noticed that at one end of the dining table was a large pile of apples with the message, "Take ONLY ONE apple each, God is watching." At the other end he noticed was a large pile of kosher chocolate chip cookies. Moshe then whispered to his friend Sarah, "We can take all the cookies we want. God is watching the apples."

Two Irish guys are fishing. The first guy reels in his line and sees that he's snagged an old bottle. As he's taking it off the hook, a genie pops out and promises to grant him one wish. "Turn the lake into beer," he says. The genie goes "Poof!" and the lake turns into beer. He says to the other guy, "So what do you think?" The other guy says, "You jerk. Now we've got to piss in the boat."

Have you ever wondered where and how yodeling began? Many years ago a man was traveling through the mountains of Switzerland. Nightfall was rapidly approaching and he had nowhere to sleep. He went up to a farmhouse and asked the farmer if he could spend the night. The farmer told him that he could sleep in the barn. As the story goes, the farmer's daughter asked her father, "Who is that man going into the barn?" "That fellow traveling through," said the farmer,"needs a place to stay for the night, so, I told him he could sleep in the barn." The daughter said, "Perhaps he is hungry.." So she prepared him a plate of food for him and then took it out to the barn. About an hour later, the daughter returned, her clothing disheveled and straw in her hair. Straight up to bed she went. The farmer's wife was very observant. She then suggested that perhaps the man was thirsty. So she fetched a bottle of wine, took it out to the barn, and she too did not return for an hour. Her clothing was askew, her blouse buttoned incorrectly. She also headed straight to bed. The next morning at sunrise the man in the barn got up and continued on his journey, waving to the farmer as he left. When the daughter awoke and learned that the visitor was gone, she broke into tears. "How could he leave without even saying goodbye," she cried. "We made such passionate love last night!" "What?" shouted the father as he angrily ran out of the house looking for the man, who by now was halfway up the mountain. The farmer screamed up at him, "I'm going to get you! You had sex with my daughter!" The man looked back down from the mountainside, cupped his hand next to his mouth, and yelled out... "LAIDTHEOLADEETOO"

An elderly couple is sharing an intimate dinner in honor of their 75th wedding anniversary. The man says softly, "Dear, there is something I must ask you. It has always bothered me that our sixth child never quite looked like the rest of our children. Now, let me assure you these 75 years have been the most wonderful I could have hoped for, and your answer will not take all that away. But, please tell me: did he have a different father?" His wife lowers her eyes, pauses for a moment, and then confesses, "Yes. Yes, he did." The old man tightens, very shaken, the reality hitting him hard. "Who? Who was he? Who was the father?" Again, the woman lowers her head, trying to muster the courage to finally tell her husband the truth. She says, "You."

The Reverend John Fuzz was pastor of a small congregation in a little Pennsylvania town. One day he was walking down Main Street and he happened to notice a female member of his congregation sitting in the town bar, drinking beer. The reverend thought this was sinful and not something a member of his congregation should do, so he walked through the open door of the bar and sat down next to the woman. "Mrs. Fitzgerald," the reverend said sternly. "This is no place for a member of my congregation. Why don't you let me take you home?" "Shhhure," she said with a slur, obviously very drunk. When Mrs Fitzgerald stood up from the bar, she began to weave back and forth. The reverend realized that she had had too much to drink and he grabbed hold of her arms to steady her. When he did, they both lost their balance and tumbled to the floor. After rolling around for a few seconds, the reverend wound up lying on top of Mrs. Fitzgerald, her skirt hiked up to her waist. The bartender looked over the bar and said, "Here, here, buddy, we won't have any of that carrying on in this bar." The reverend looked up at the bartender and said, "But you don't understand, I'm Pastor Fuzz." The bartender nodded, "Well, heck, if you're that far along you might as well finish the job."

Jack was single. He lived in a small flat, which he shared with a pet parrot and a pit bull terrier named spike. When Jack's dishwashing machine broke down, he asked his neighbor Pet, the repairman to come and fix it. "The terrier won't harm you, said Jack before leaving, "But whatever you do, NEVER SPEAK TO THE PARROT" Soon after, the parrot started on Pet: "I heard your wife shout at you the other day, you are such a wimp" Pet ignored it and kept working. "You couldn't change your flat tire the other day" said the parrot, "so how are you going to fix a dishwashing machine?" Fed up, Pet replied, "Okay. How would I expect you, with the brain the size of a bean to talk any sense?" That`s it! Said the parrot, Spike, Get him!

Martha`s way #1: Stuff a miniature marshmallow in the bottom of a sugar cone to prevent ice cream drips.My way: Just suck the ice cream out of the bottom of the cone.Martha`s way #2: Use a meat baster to "squeeze" your pancake batter onto the hot griddle and you`ll get perfectly shaped pancakes every time.My way: Buy the precooked kind you nuke in the microwave for 30 seconds.Martha`s way #3: To keep potatoes from budding, place an apple in the bag with the potatoes.My way: Buy a mashed potato mix and keep it in the pantry for up to a year.Martha`s way #4: To prevent eggshells from cracking, add a pinch of salt to the water before hard-boiling.My way: Who cares if they crack, aren`t you going to take the shells off anyway?Martha`s way #5: To easily remove burnt-on food from your skillet, simply add a drop or two of dish soap and enough water to cover bottom of pan, and bring to a boil on stovetop.My way: Eat out every night and avoid cooking.Martha`s way #6: Spray your Tupperware with nonstick cooking spray before pouring in tomato based sauces and there won`t be any stains.`My way: Feed your garbage disposal and there won`t be any leftovers.Martha`s way #7: When a cake recipe calls for flouring the baking pan, use a bit of the dry cake mix instead and there won`t be any white mess on the outside of the cake.My way: Go to the bakery. They`ll even decorate it for you.Martha`s way #8: If you accidentally over salt a dish while it`s still cooking, drop in a peeled potato and it will absorb the excess salt for an instant "fix me up".My way: If you over salt a dish while you are cooking, that`s too bad. My motto: If it`s cooked, you will eat it no matter how bad it tastes.Martha`s way #9: Place a slice of apple in hardened brown sugar to soften it.My Way: Brown sugar is supposed to be "soft"?Martha`s way #10: When boiling corn on the cob, add a pinch of sugar to help bring out the corn`s natural sweetness.My Way: The only kind of corn I buy comes in a can.Martha`s way #11: If you have a problem opening jars: Try using latex dishwashing gloves. They give a non-slip grip that makes opening jars easy.My way: Go ask the muscular neighbor to do it.Martha`s way #12: Potatoes will take food stains off your fingers. Just slice and rub raw potato on the stains and rinse with water.My way: Instant mashed potatoes will now be next to the anti-bacterial soap in a handy dispenser next to my sink.Martha`s way #13: Now look what you can do with Alka Seltzer:* Clean a toilet. Drop in two Alka-Seltzer tablets, wait twenty minutes, brush and flush. The citric acid and effervescent action clean vitreous china.* Clean a vase. To remove a stain from the bottom of a glass vase or cruet, fill with water and drop in two Alka-Seltzer tablets.* Polish jewelry. Drop two Alka-Seltzer tablets into a glass of water and immerse the jewelry for two minutes.* Clean a thermos bottle. Fill the bottle with water, drop in four Alka-Seltzer tablets, and let soak for an hour .My way: Put your jewelry, vases, and thermos in the toilet. Add some Alka-Seltzer and you have solved a whole bunch of problems at once.

A disciple went to his master and said, "I have served you faithfully for ten years. Now I have a wish: give me something to eat which will never end." His master said, "Here, have some chewing gum."

A young woman brought her fiance home to meet her parents. After dinner, her mother told her father to find out about the young man. The father invited the fiance to his study for a talk. "So what are your plans?" the father asked the young man. "I am a biblical scholar," he replied. "A Biblical scholar. Hmmm," the father said. "Admirable, but what will you do to provide a nice house for my daughter to live in?" "I will study," the young man replied, "and God will provide for us." "And how will you buy her a beautiful engagement ring, such as she deserves?" asked the father. "I will concentrate on my studies," the young man replied, "God will provide for us." "And children?" asked the father. "How will you support children?" "Don't worry, sir, God will provide," replied the fiance. The conversation proceeded like this, and each time the father questioned, the young idealist insisted that God would provide. Later, the mother asked, "How did it go, Honey?" The father answered, "He has no job and no plans, and he thinks I'm God!"

An Arab diplomat visiting the US for the first time was being wined and dined by the State Department. The Grand Emir wasn't used to the salt in American food and was constantly sending his man- servant, Abdul, to fetch him a glass of water. Time and again, Abdul would scamper off and return with a glass of water. But finally he returned empty-handed. "Abdul, you son of an ugly camel, where is my water?" demanded the Grand Emir. 'A thousand pardons, O Illustrious One," stammered the wretched Abdul,"but a man is sitting on the well."

A biologist had been working on a remote research project in the Amazon jungle. Upon his return to the States, he came down with a terrible illness. After his health had deteriorated, his wife took him to a doctor who specialized in strange jungle diseases. The doctor gave him a complete examination and a series of tests. After receiving the results of the tests, the doctor called the wife into his office alone. He told the young biologist's wife, "Your husband is suffering from a very severe disease, combined with horrible stress. If you don't do the following, your husband will surely die." "Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant, and make sure he is in a good mood. For lunch make him a nutritious meal. For dinner prepare an especially nice meal for him. Don't burden him with chores, and generally do anything he asks. Don't discuss your problems with him, as it will only make his stress worse. And most importantly, make love with your husband several times a week and satisfy his every whim. " If you can do this for the next 10 months or so, I think your husband will regain his health completely. Otherwise...well... He'll probably die" On the way home, the husband asked his wife. "What did the doctor say?" she replied. "Honey...he says you're probably going to die."

Why don`t mexicans bbq? The beans fall through the little holes.

"It's So Hot In Texas That..." *The birds have to use pot holders to pull worms out of the ground. *The potatoes cook underground, and all you have to do to have lunch is to pull one out and add butter, salt and pepper. *Farmers are feeding their chickens crushed ice to keep them from laying hard boiled eggs. ================================= "It's So Dry In Texas That..." *The cows are giving evaporated milk. *The trees are whistling for the dogs. *A sad Texan once prayed, "I wish it would rain - not so much for me, cuz I've seen it - but for my 7-year-old." *A visitor to Texas once asked, "Does it ever rain out here?" A rancher quickly answered "Yes, it does. Do you remember that part in the Bible where it rained for 40 days and 40 nights?" The visitor replied, "Yes, I'm familiar with Noah's flood." "Well," the rancher puffed up, we got about two and a half inches of that." ====================================== "You Know You're In Texas When..." *You no longer associate bridges with water. *You can say 110 degrees without fainting. *You eat hot chilies to cool your mouth off. *You can make instant sun tea. *You learn that a seat belt makes a pretty good branding iron. *The temperature drops below 95, you feel a bit chilly. *You discover that in July, it takes only 2 fingers to drive your car. *You discover that you can get a sunburn through your car window. *You notice the best parking place is determined by shade instead of distance. *Hot water now comes out of both taps. *It's noon in July, kids are on summer vacation, and not one person is out on the streets. *You actually burn your hand opening the car door. *You break a sweat the instant you step outside at 7:30 a.m. before work. *No one would dream of putting vinyl upholstery in a car or not having air conditioning. *Your biggest bicycle wreck fear is, "What if I get knocked out and end up lying on the pavement and cook to death?" *You realize that asphalt has a liquid state.

The operation Two little kids are in a hospital, lying on stretchers next to each other, outside the operating room. The first kid leans over and asks, "What are you in here for?" The second kid says, "I`m in here to get my tonsils out and I`m a little nervous." The first kid says, "You`ve got nothing to worry about. I had that done when I was four. They put you to sleep, and when you wake up they give you lots of Jell-O and ice cream. It`s a breeze." The second kid then asks, "What are you here for?" The first kid says, "A circumcision." And the second kid says, "Whoa, I had that done when! I was born. Couldn`t walk for a year."

Is your food spicy Sir? No, smoke always comes out of my ears!

That it didn't matter how late I scheduled my first class I'd sleep right through it. - that I would change so much and barely realize it. - that you can love a lot of people in a lot of different ways. - that college kids throw airplanes, too. - that if you wear polyester everyone will ask you why you're so dressed up. - that every clock on campus shows a different time. - that if you were smart in high school - so what? - that I would go to a party the night before a final. - that chem labs require more time than all my other classes put together. - that you can know everything and fail a test. - that you can know nothing and ace a test. - that I could get used to almost anything I found out about my roomie. - that home is a great place to visit. - that most of my education would be obtained outside my classes. - that friendship is more than getting drunk together. - that I would be one of those people my parents warned me about. - that free food served at 10:00 is gone by 9:50. - that Sunday is a figment of the world's imagination. - that psychology is really biology, biology is really chemistry, chemistry is really physics, and physics is really math. - that I really wouldn't be with that high school friend for the rest of my life. - that dorms can be both your lifeline and personal hell at the same time. - that beer would play an intricate role in my future. - that Ramen and spaghetti would be my life. - how much I would miss my washer and dryer at home. - that I would no longer get allowance.

Zen philosophy to "enlighten" your day... Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me, either. Just leave me the hell alone. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a leaky tire. It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it. Don't be irreplaceable; if you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted. No one is listening until you make a mistake. Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else. Never test the depth of the water with both feet. It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others. It is far more impressive when others discover your good qualities without your help. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish and he will sit in a boat & drink beer all day. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it. Don't squat with your spurs on. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything. If you drink, don't park. Accidents cause people. Some days you are the bug, some days you are the windshield. Good judgement comes from bad experience and a lot of that comes from bad judgement. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket. Timing has an awful lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance. A closed mouth gathers no foot. Duct tape is like the force: it has a light side and a dark side, and it holds the universe together. There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your mouth is moving. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.