The operation Two little kids are in a hospital, lying on stretchers next to each other, outside the operating room. The first kid leans over and asks, "What are you in here for?" The second kid says, "I`m in here to get my tonsils out and I`m a little nervous." The first kid says, "You`ve got nothing to worry about. I had that done when I was four. They put you to sleep, and when you wake up they give you lots of Jell-O and ice cream. It`s a breeze." The second kid then asks, "What are you here for?" The first kid says, "A circumcision." And the second kid says, "Whoa, I had that done when! I was born. Couldn`t walk for a year."

Is your food spicy Sir? No, smoke always comes out of my ears!

That it didn't matter how late I scheduled my first class I'd sleep right through it. - that I would change so much and barely realize it. - that you can love a lot of people in a lot of different ways. - that college kids throw airplanes, too. - that if you wear polyester everyone will ask you why you're so dressed up. - that every clock on campus shows a different time. - that if you were smart in high school - so what? - that I would go to a party the night before a final. - that chem labs require more time than all my other classes put together. - that you can know everything and fail a test. - that you can know nothing and ace a test. - that I could get used to almost anything I found out about my roomie. - that home is a great place to visit. - that most of my education would be obtained outside my classes. - that friendship is more than getting drunk together. - that I would be one of those people my parents warned me about. - that free food served at 10:00 is gone by 9:50. - that Sunday is a figment of the world's imagination. - that psychology is really biology, biology is really chemistry, chemistry is really physics, and physics is really math. - that I really wouldn't be with that high school friend for the rest of my life. - that dorms can be both your lifeline and personal hell at the same time. - that beer would play an intricate role in my future. - that Ramen and spaghetti would be my life. - how much I would miss my washer and dryer at home. - that I would no longer get allowance.

Zen philosophy to "enlighten" your day... Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me, either. Just leave me the hell alone. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a leaky tire. It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it. Don't be irreplaceable; if you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted. No one is listening until you make a mistake. Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else. Never test the depth of the water with both feet. It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others. It is far more impressive when others discover your good qualities without your help. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish and he will sit in a boat & drink beer all day. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it. Don't squat with your spurs on. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything. If you drink, don't park. Accidents cause people. Some days you are the bug, some days you are the windshield. Good judgement comes from bad experience and a lot of that comes from bad judgement. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket. Timing has an awful lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance. A closed mouth gathers no foot. Duct tape is like the force: it has a light side and a dark side, and it holds the universe together. There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your mouth is moving. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

This hous wife got tired of being alone everyday since her husband was at work and her 3 daughters were in school, so she decided to get a pet to keep her company. She walks into the local pet store and tells him that she wants a talking parrot. The clerk tells her that they do have 1 talking parrot, but that she wouldn't like him. "Why not? " She asks. "Well, he has been around a bit and has picked up some colorful language, and you did say that you have a family," he replied. "Well, my girls are old enough and they've heard it all. Just let me see him." The clerk finally agrees to show the lady the parrot and she insists on purchasing it right away. When she got home she covered the cage with a towel and went to get dinner ready for the family. When she uncovered the cage, "Brawkk!" said the parrot, looking around. "New place. New Madam. Morning Madam." "Uh, morning parrot," she said and then went to make breakfast. A few minutes later her daughters game down stairs, dressed and ready for school. "Brawkk! New place. New Madam. New Girls. Morning Girls." "Morning Parrot," they replied and went to help their mother get breakfast ready. Soon the man of the house came down unshaven and in his bathrobe. "Brawkk! New place. New Madam. New Girls. Same old customers. Morning Phil!"

The young immigrant couple had just left the courthouse after being sworn in as American citizens. "It is wonderful," the husband exclaimed. "We are American citizens at last! Do you know what this means to us my dear wife?" "Yes, you male chauvinist pig," his wife replied. "Tonight, you cook dinner and I get on top!"

A Lutheran minister is driving down to New York to see the radio show and he's stopped in Connecticut for speeding. The state trooper smells alcohol on his breath and then he sees an empty wine bottle on the floor, and he says, "Sir, have you been drinking?" And the minister says, "Just water." The sheriff says, "Then why do I smell wine?" And the minister looks down at the bottle and says, "Good Lord, He's done it again!"

The car crash Rabbi Bloom and Father Michael get into a car accident and it`s a bad one. Both cars are crushed but amazingly neither of the clerics is hurt. After they crawl out of their cars, Rabbi Bloom sees the priest`s collar and says, "Just look at our cars - there`s nothing left, but we`re unhurt. You`re a priest and I`m a rabbi so it must be a sign from God. He must have meant that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace the rest of our days." Father Michael replies, "I agree with you completely. This truly must be a sign from God." Rabbi Bloom then says, "Look - here`s another miracle. Although my car is wrecked, this bottle of wine didn`t break. God must want us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune." He hands the bottle to the priest. Father Michael takes a few big swigs and passes the bottle back to Rabbi Bloom who puts the cork back in and hands it back to the priest. Father Michael asks, "Aren`t you having any wine?" "No. I think I`ll just wait for the police," says Rabbi Bloom.

VIRUS WARNING**** If you received an e-mail with a subject line of "Badtimes," delete it immediately without reading it! It is the most dangerous E-mail virus yet. It will re-write your hard drive. Not only that, but it will scramble any disks that are even close to your computer. It will recalibrate your refrigerator's settings so all your ice cream melts and your milk curdles. It will demagnitize the strips on all your credit cards, reprogram your ATM access codes, screw up the tracking on your VCR and use subspace field harmonics to scratch any CD's you try to play. It will give your ex-boy/girlfriend your new phone number. It will mix antifreeze into your fish tank. It will drink all your beer and leave your dirty socks on the coffee table when there's company coming over. It will hide your car keys when you are late for work and interfere with your car radio so that you hear only static while stuck in traffic. Badtimes will make you fall in love with a hardened pedophile. It will give you nightmares about circus midgets. It will replace your shampoo with Nair and your Nair with Rogaine, all while dating your current boy/girlfriend behind your back and billing their hotel rendezvous to your Visa card. Badtimes will give you Dutch Elm disease. It will leave the toilet seat up and leave the hairdryer plugged in dangerously close to a full bathtub. It will not only remove the forbidden tags from your mattress and pillows, it will refill your skim milk with whole. It is insidious and subtle. It is dangerous and terrifying to behold. It is also a rather interesting shade of mauve. These are just a few of the signs. BE AFRAID! BE VERY AFRAID!

One day, a blonde's neighbor goes over to her house, sees the blonde crying, and asks her what happened. The blonde said that her mother had passed away. The neighbor made her some coffee and calmed her down a little and then left. The next day the neighbor went back over to the house and found the blonde crying again. She asked her why she was crying this time. ''I just got off of the phone with my sister, her mother died too!''.

If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?

Travis and McGee met over a beer in the local pub. After a while the subject of sports came up. Travis asked McGee, "Do you play golf?" "Sure," said McGee, "I play well enough to know why they call it 'golf'." Puzzled, Travis asks, "Why do they call it 'golf'?" "Because," replied McGee, "that's the only 4-letter word left!"

At a party, a conjurer was producing egg after egg from a little boy's ear. "There!" he said proudly. "I bet your Mum can't produce eggs without hens, can she?" "Oh yes, she can," said the boy. "She keeps ducks."

A guy had told all of his friends about the great steak he`d eaten downtown the day before. A group of them decided to head down and see if it was really as large and delicious as he was making it out to be.The group was seated in the back of the restaurant. After looking over the menu, they ordered and waited, hungrily, for their large, delicious, gigantic steaks.To their collective disappointment, the waiter brought out some of the smallest steaks they`d ever seen."Now see here," the very embarrassed guy said to the waiter. "Yesterday, when I came down here you served me a big, juicy steak. Today, though, when I have my friends with me, you serve tiny steaks! What is the meaning of this?""Yes, sir," replied the waiter, "yesterday you were sitting by the window."

Five stupid jokes Stupid #1 Freda walks into a wine bar and asks the barman to give her a double entendre. So he gives her one. Stupid #2 Two Jewish aerials meet on a roof, fall in love and get married. The ceremony was rubbish but the reception was brilliant! Stupid #3 Q: How do you know when a Jewish dog is fully mature? A: He has a bark-mitzvah! Stupid #4 I came from a very poor family. One Chanukah, my dad gave me an empty box and told me it was an Action Man deserter kit. Stupid #5 Morris’s local manufacturing business was broken into last night and a large quantity of wigs was stolen. Police are currently combing the area for clues.

Chuck Norris twists off European beer caps.

A guy goes fishing every Saturday morning. He gets up early and eager, makes his lunch, hooks up his boat and off he goes, all day long. Well, one Saturday morning he gets up early, dresses quietly, gets his lunch made, puts on his long johns, grabs the dog and goes to the garage to hook up his boat to the truck and down the driveway he goes. As he is coming out of his garage rain is pouring down; it is like a torrential downpour. There is snow mixed in with the rain, and the wind is blowing 50 mph. Minutes later, he returns to the garage. He comes back into the house and turns the TV to the weather channel. He finds it's going to be bad weather all day long, so he puts his boat back in the garage, quietly undresses and slips back into bed. There he cuddles up to his wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispers,"The weather out there is terrible." To which she sleepily replies, "Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that shit?"

Father Christmas: Excuse me, but did I step on your toes on my way out to get an ice-cream? Lady: You certainly did! Father Christmas: Oh good! That means I'm back in the right row!

Yesterday, scientists in the United States revealed that beer contains small traces of female hormones. To prove their theory, they fed one hundred men twelve pints of beer and observed that 100% of them started talking nonsense and couldn't drive.

Q: How many Polish-Americans does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: 170. One to send the Never Fail Novena to the Cheektowaga Times for publication so St. Jude may grant the lightbulb request, one to say the Last Rites for the old lightbulb, ten volunteer firemen to break into the house and smash the old light bulb to bits, fifty to protest the abortion of the old lightbulb, ten to organize a lawn fete and spaghetti dinner at Our Most Holy Precious Blood of the Seventeen Martyred Saints R.C. Church to raise funds to buy a new light bulb , twenty from Chiavettas Catering to serve the food, twenty to run the Monte Carlo gambling tent, fifty to run everything else, one to go to Koplinskis Appliances to buy the light bulb, one to screw it in, five to say the Rosary as the bulb is being screwed in, and the Monsignor to bless it.