Chuck Norris can break every rule made by the Soup Nazzi, and he would still get soup, or beef jerky if he feels like it.

One Sunday morning George burst into the living room and said, "Dad! Mom! I have some great news for you! I am getting married to the most beautiful girl in town. She lives a block away and her name is Susan. After dinner, George's dad took him aside, "Son, I have to talk with you. Look at your mother, George. She and I have been married 30 years, she's a wonderful wife and mother, but, she has never offered much excitement in the bedroom, so I used to fool around with women a lot." "Susan is actually your half sister, and I'm afraid you can't marry her." George was brokenhearted. After eight months he eventually started dating girls again. A year later he came home and very proudly announced, "Diane said yes! We're getting married in June." Again his father insisted on another private conversation and broke the sad news. "Diane is your half sister too, George." "I'm awfully sorry about this." George was livid! He finally decided to go to his mother with the news his father had shared. "Dad has done so much harm. I guess I'm never going to get married," he complained. "Every time I fall in love, Dad tells me the girl is my half sister." "Hee hee," his mother chuckled, shaking her head, "Don't pay any attention to what he says. He's not really your father."

1. Golfers don't spit and scratch their privates on national television. 2. Golfers don't kick dirt on other people. 3. Golf is an honorable game played by an overwhelming majority of honorable people who don't need referees. 4. Golfers don't have big muscles and therefore are able to walk past a mirror without looking into it. 5. Golfers are compensated in direct proportion to how well they play. 6. The PGA Tour raises more money for charity in one year than the National Football League does in two. 7. Albert Belle doesn't play pro golf. 8. Pro golfers can answer a question without having to wait till they see the videotape. 9. When pro golfers hit a foul ball, they don't get another chance. They either are penalized or they have to go find it and hit it again. 10. Pro golfers throw things to fans, not at them. 11. People don't ruin their lives betting on the outcome of golf tournaments. 12. Baseball, basketball and football players play golf when they retire. Pro golfers don't play baseball, basketball and football when they retire. 13. You can play golf by yourself. 14. George Steinbrenner doesn't have a team on the PGA Tour. 15. No golfer has ever told a reporter or a group of reporters that he or she is the greatest ever to play the game. 16. Golf doesn't have training camp and overpriced exhibition games. 17. It is virtually impossible to "fix'' a pro golf tournament. 18. Golf fans don't throw things at the players. 19. When pro golfers make a mistake, there is nobody there to cover for them or back them up. 20. Michael Jordan wishes he were a pro golfer. 21. Kids are never murdered over a pair of golf shoes. 22. Golfers call their own plays. 23. You can see the best golfers in the world up close at the U.S. Open all day, every day, for $25 or $30. It'll cost you $275 for a ticket in the nosebleed section of the Super Bowl. 24. Pro golfers don't charge $20 or more for an autograph. 25. In pro golf, you can't fail 70 percent of the time and make $9 million per season. 26. Golf lessons don't include tips on how to break the rules and get away with it. 27. Golfers don't hold out for more money, or demand new contracts. 28. Golfers don't get a per diem and two seats on a chartered airplane when they travel from one tournament to the next. 29. Golfers don't do everything possible to disrupt the play of their opponents. 30. Golfers do their own laundry. 31. Golf doesn't have a 3-stroke shot. 32. Golfers don't lobby to get something they haven't earned with their clubs. 33. Golfers don't claim that it takes exceptional intelligence to play their game well. 34. Golf doesn't change its rules to attract more fans. 35. Pro golfers don't have bodyguards or entourages. 36. Pro golfers don't have closed practices. 37. Pro golfers keep their clothes on while they're being interviewed. 38. Greg Norman shakes your hand and says he is happy to meet you; Jose Canseco wears T-shirts that say "Leave me alone.'' 39. Pro golfers don't get in fights in bars. 40. Pro golfers never say "I just want some respect.'' 41. Children don't have to "take it like a man'' to play golf. 42. Pro golfers don't feel cheated because the game owes them something. 43. Pro golfers can't substitute for themselves when they're having a bad day. 44. Pro golfers don't taunt or punch each other. 45. Not only does nobody levy fines against pro golfers who choose not to practice, but nobody cares. 46. Pro golf doesn't have free agency. 47. Pro golfers don't try to renegotiate their earnings. 48. Fat people and skinny people can play golf. 49. Pro golfers can't abuse alcohol and drugs and be successful. 50. You can hear birds chirping at a pro golf tournament. You hear a steady stream of four-letter words and nasty name-calling in stadiums and arenas while you're hoping nobody spills beer on you.

God creates dinosaurs, God destroys dinosaurs, God creates man, man destroys God, Chuck Norris drinks beer and fucks strippers and shit.

I told my wife I was going to make a bike out of spaghetti. She couldn't believe it when I rode pasta.

When you take the bus... When the bus stops for a food break, instead of following the other passengers to a restaurant, sit outside in front of the big picture window on the ground with a struggling burlap sack. Open the sack and remove some small, live animal and eat it like a feral dog would, in the view of everyone else. Make lots of growling noises, snarl and snap at people who get too close.

What did the boy banana say to the girl banana? "You have a lot of appeal."

Two cannibals were having lunch. "Your wife makes a great soup," said one to the other. "Yes!" agreed the first. "But I'm going to miss her terribly."

As the family gathered for a big dinner together, the youngest son announced that he had just signed up at an army recruiter`soffice.There were audible gasps around the table, then some laughter, as his older brothers shared their disbelief that he could handlethis new situation. "Oh, come on, quit joking," snickered one. "You didn`t really do that, did you?""You would never get through basic training," scoffed another.The new recruit looked to his mother for help, but she was just gazing at him. When she finally spoke, she simply asked, "Do you really plan to make your own bed every morning?"

At a nursing home in Florida, a group of senior citizens were sitting around talking about their aches and pains. "My arms are so weak I can hardly lift this cup of coffee," said one. "I know what you mean. My cataracts are so bad I can't even see my coffee," replied another. "I can't turn my head because of the arthritis in my neck," said a third, to which several nodded weakly in agreement. "My blood pressure pills make me dizzy," another contributed. "I guess that's the price we pay for getting old," winced an old man as he slowly shook his head. Then there was a short moment of silence. "Well, it's not that bad," said one woman cheerfully. "Thank God we can all still drive."

1. Only in Canada...can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance. 2. Only in Canada...are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink. 3. Only in Canada...do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front. 4. Only in Canada...do people order double cheese burgers, large fries, and a diet coke. 5. Only in Canada...do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters. 6. Only in Canada...do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage. 7. Only in Canada...do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place. 8. Only in Canada...do we buy hot dogs in packages of twelve and buns in packages of eight. 9. Only in Canada...do we use the word 'politics' to describe the process so well: 'Poli' in Latin meaning 'many' and 'tics' meaning 'bloodsucking creatures'. 10. Only in Canada...do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.

I don't think I'll ever have a mother's intuition. My sister left me alone in a restaurant with my 10-month-old nephew. I said, "What do I do if he cries?" She said "Give him some vegetables." It turns out that jalapeno is not his favorite.

The following statements about the Bible were written by children and have not been retouched or corrected In the first book of the Bible, Guinesses, God got tired of creating the world, so he took the Sabbath off.Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree.Noah`s wife was called Joan of Ark because Noah built the ark, which the animals came to in pears.Lot`s wife was a pillar of salt by day, but a ball of fire by night.The Jews were a proud people and throughout history they had trouble with unsympathetic Genitals.Samson was a strong man who let himself be led astray by a Jezebel like Delilah.Samson slew the Philistines with the axe of the Apostles.Moses led the Hebrews to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread, which is bread without any ingredients.The Egyptians were all drowned in the dessert.Afterwards, Moses went up to Mount Cyanide to find the ten commendments.The first commandment was when Eve told Adam to eat the apple.The seventh commandment is "Thou shalt not admit adultery".Moses died before he ever reached Canada.Then Joshua led the Hebrews in the battle of Geritol.The greatest miracle in the Bible is when Joshua told his son to stand still and he obeyed him.David was a Hebrew king skilled at playing the liar. He fought with the Finkelsteins, a race of people who lived in Biblical times.Solomon, one of David`s sons, had 300 wives and 700 porcupines.When Mary heard that she was the mother of Jesus, she sang the Magna Carta.Then the three Wise Guys from the east arrived and found Jesus in the manager.Jesus was born because Mary had an Immaculate Contraption.St. John, the blacksmith, dumped water on his head.Jesus enunciated the Golden Rule, which says do one to others before they do one to you.He also explained that "Man does not live by sweat alone".It was a miricle when Jesus rose from the dead and managed to get the tombstone off the entrance.The people who followed Jesus were called the 12 decibles.The epistles were the wives of the apostles.One of the opossums was St. Matthew who was also a taximan.St. Paul cavorted to Christianity. He preached the holy acrimony, which is another name for marriage.A Christian should have only one spouse. This is called monotony.

The Perfect Employee? 1 Bob Smith, my assistant programmer, can always be found 2 hard at work at his desk. He works independently, without 3 wasting company time talking to colleagues. Bob never 4 thinks twice about assisting fellow employees, and always 5 finishes given assignments on time. Often he takes extended 6 measures to complete his work, sometimes skipping coffee 7 breaks. Bob is a dedicated individual who has absolutely no 8 vanity in spite of his high accomplishments and profound 9 knowledge in his field. I firmly believe that Bob can be 10 classed as an asset employee, the type which cannot be 11 dispensed with. Consequently, I recommend that Bob be 12 promoted to executive management, and a proposal will be 13 executed as soon as possible. Addendum: That idiot was standing over my shoulder while I wrote the report sent to you earlier today. Kindly re-read only the odd numbered lines.

How can you tell the difference between a monster and a banana? Try picking it up. If you can't, it's either a monster or a giant banana.

School lunch It was lunchtime at the Jewish nursery school and all the children were lined up by the teachers. Then, as usual, they were led into the canteen. Little Moshe quickly noticed that at one end of the dining table was a large pile of apples with the message, "Take ONLY ONE apple each, God is watching." At the other end he noticed was a large pile of kosher chocolate chip cookies. Moshe then whispered to his friend Sarah, "We can take all the cookies we want. God is watching the apples."

Two Irish guys are fishing. The first guy reels in his line and sees that he's snagged an old bottle. As he's taking it off the hook, a genie pops out and promises to grant him one wish. "Turn the lake into beer," he says. The genie goes "Poof!" and the lake turns into beer. He says to the other guy, "So what do you think?" The other guy says, "You jerk. Now we've got to piss in the boat."

Have you ever wondered where and how yodeling began? Many years ago a man was traveling through the mountains of Switzerland. Nightfall was rapidly approaching and he had nowhere to sleep. He went up to a farmhouse and asked the farmer if he could spend the night. The farmer told him that he could sleep in the barn. As the story goes, the farmer's daughter asked her father, "Who is that man going into the barn?" "That fellow traveling through," said the farmer,"needs a place to stay for the night, so, I told him he could sleep in the barn." The daughter said, "Perhaps he is hungry.." So she prepared him a plate of food for him and then took it out to the barn. About an hour later, the daughter returned, her clothing disheveled and straw in her hair. Straight up to bed she went. The farmer's wife was very observant. She then suggested that perhaps the man was thirsty. So she fetched a bottle of wine, took it out to the barn, and she too did not return for an hour. Her clothing was askew, her blouse buttoned incorrectly. She also headed straight to bed. The next morning at sunrise the man in the barn got up and continued on his journey, waving to the farmer as he left. When the daughter awoke and learned that the visitor was gone, she broke into tears. "How could he leave without even saying goodbye," she cried. "We made such passionate love last night!" "What?" shouted the father as he angrily ran out of the house looking for the man, who by now was halfway up the mountain. The farmer screamed up at him, "I'm going to get you! You had sex with my daughter!" The man looked back down from the mountainside, cupped his hand next to his mouth, and yelled out... "LAIDTHEOLADEETOO"

An elderly couple is sharing an intimate dinner in honor of their 75th wedding anniversary. The man says softly, "Dear, there is something I must ask you. It has always bothered me that our sixth child never quite looked like the rest of our children. Now, let me assure you these 75 years have been the most wonderful I could have hoped for, and your answer will not take all that away. But, please tell me: did he have a different father?" His wife lowers her eyes, pauses for a moment, and then confesses, "Yes. Yes, he did." The old man tightens, very shaken, the reality hitting him hard. "Who? Who was he? Who was the father?" Again, the woman lowers her head, trying to muster the courage to finally tell her husband the truth. She says, "You."

The Reverend John Fuzz was pastor of a small congregation in a little Pennsylvania town. One day he was walking down Main Street and he happened to notice a female member of his congregation sitting in the town bar, drinking beer. The reverend thought this was sinful and not something a member of his congregation should do, so he walked through the open door of the bar and sat down next to the woman. "Mrs. Fitzgerald," the reverend said sternly. "This is no place for a member of my congregation. Why don't you let me take you home?" "Shhhure," she said with a slur, obviously very drunk. When Mrs Fitzgerald stood up from the bar, she began to weave back and forth. The reverend realized that she had had too much to drink and he grabbed hold of her arms to steady her. When he did, they both lost their balance and tumbled to the floor. After rolling around for a few seconds, the reverend wound up lying on top of Mrs. Fitzgerald, her skirt hiked up to her waist. The bartender looked over the bar and said, "Here, here, buddy, we won't have any of that carrying on in this bar." The reverend looked up at the bartender and said, "But you don't understand, I'm Pastor Fuzz." The bartender nodded, "Well, heck, if you're that far along you might as well finish the job."